everybodygetawesome

[everybodygetawesome]

Top 10 Memorable Motorcycle Moments in Movies!

Do you know what’s awesome?  Movie Motorcycles.   So...motorcycles.  Why are motorcycles loved by the people who ride them?  Sure enough, I get why people who don’t ride them see the activity as an entirely unnecessary risk.  Motorcycles are dangerous and I can’t place my finger exactly on what the addiction of riding a motorcycle is.  Sometimes it’s uncomfortable and sometimes it’s downright painful.  I assume that everybody out on the road doesn’t see me, is drunk, on their phones, and might kill me at any given moment.  

But motorcycles maintain an inexorable pull on people who ride them.  Tractor beam.  Sucked me right in.  (Movie?  Anybody?) Motorcycles in movies, though, that’s much easier to understand...characters who ride motorcycles just look cooler.  By the way, I’m not out to look cool...cool-looking people have no helmets, bare sleeves, and a cigar.  Since I’m terrified of head injury, roadrash and lung cancer, I have on full leather gear and a full face helmet, and no cigar, and probably look like I’m trying *too* hard, when really I just want all of my skin to stay attached to my body.  

So, to be clear, the motorcycles and their riders listed below are absolutely NOT the way motorcycling should be done.  Only 2 of the Top 10 riders and two(ish) of the Best of the Rest listed wore a helmet and ATGATT (all the gear, all the time) throughout the movie.  So if you were thinking of learning to ride, DON’T EVER DO THIS STUFF.  I promise to go back to my responsible riding just as soon as I get done writing this.  

As per previous rules, no internet was allowed in coming up with the list, but I did need the internet to help with some of the details.  Now, you might be wondering how I came up with the list in the first place and, admittedly, this was incredibly subjective.  I tried to come up with movies wherein if somebody mentioned a movie, one of the first thing I thought of was a specific motorcycle.  The higher on the list, the more the motorcycle was associated with the movie. I will concede here, that there’s a very fine line between something that’s cool and something that’s stupid and cheesy.  But if you fall on the wrong side of that line, it might be memorable, but it absolutely doesn’t make the list. ”Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man” is what inspired this paragraph and, by the way, if you want to watch something unintentionally hilarious, I highly recommend this movie.  “Biker Boyz” too.  I have no real barometer as how something falls on one side of this line vs the other but you know it when you see it.

I will take a rather unusual stance here and concede that my list may not be as good as it could be.  Normally, I consider my opinion on pop culture to be beyond contestation (bonus points if somebody can get that obscure pop-culture reference), but I feel like I’m missing some big ones here. Well, whatever.  Let’s go grab some wind...

The Best of the Rest

Bond’s Chase - “Skyfall”

Wait, what?  Bond doesn’t make an appearance in the Top 10?  No, he actually doesn’t.  You’d think that since James can do everything and since Q cooks up sweet gadgets, there’d be a good/memorable motorcycle scene somewhere.   Not so much.  Most of the time it’s the villain henchmen riding and the few scenes that do involve James are somewhat forgettable.  There is the scene in Die Another Day I think, where James and the Chinese Special agent are handcuffed together and basically coital as they ride through the streets of Shanghai and shoot bad guys and the whole thing is too silly to take seriously.

So we’re left with “Skyfall” which I actually contend is one of the two best 007 movies ever.  The motorcycle scene is cool but it’s just sort of forgettable and wasn’t even close to the most famous ride in the movie...that title goes to the silver Aston Martin kept in storage.  Hell, James is more memorable riding into the casino on that boat.  In my humble opinion.  So a best of the rest appearance, yes.  But a Top 10 appearance?  My apologies, Mr. Bond.

The Batpod - “The Dark Knight” and “The Dark Knight Rises”

Yeah, yeah...it’s not a “real” motorcycle.  It’s a custom chopper.  Shut up and don’t judge my nerding out over comic book movies.   Like you don’t want one.  Batman, was, I supposed, wearing pretty protective riding gear though I don’t think it was dedicated riding gear.

Topper Harley’s Dream Lover - “Hot Shots”

If only this scene could have involved more foolishness.  The movie it’s self is a national treasure, but the motorcycle just didn’t figure into it as much as we all wished it could have.  It’s not the first motorcycle in a movie you think of, but it does make you giggle when you get there.   Iowa State Rugby has just disowned me for this omission.  It’s almost as unfortunate as taking a bazooka round at Little Bighorn.

Maybe we should start to get serious here...

Kiddo’s Stalking - “Kill Bill Vol. 1″

A great regret of my life may be not putting this in the Top 10.  I just didn’t quite associate the movie enough with the motorcycle and there’s another Tarentino movie that’s going to show up in the top 10.  While Beatrix Kiddo is in her motorcycling leather for much of the movie, the motorcycle it’s self, tragically, just isn’t a major fixture.

She does look cool though.  I feel like if there was some memorable line or something from the scene, if she would have fired off a witty retort to a squid (a squid is a squirrley kid who’s not wearing any protective gear and rides like a jackass), that would have made the scene a little more memorable.  To me anyways.  But tearing away to Tomoyasu Hotei’s “Battle Without Honor or Humanity” was an awfully good start.   I’m so on the fence here.  But another Tarantino Motorcycle Made the Top 10.  Speaking of that...

Top 10 Memorable Motorcycle Moments in Movies!

10.  Grace - “Pulp Fiction”

The Bike: Harley-Davidson Fat Bob Chopper

I will readily admit that I don’t think of motorcycles when I think about the movie “Pulp Fiction”.  This was such a small part of the movie, I could easily entertain objections that it’s on my list.  

The thing is though, for the last 20 years (can it really be 20 years?) whenever I see a chopper on the road, I always mutter under my breath, “It’s not a motorcycle, baby, it’s a chopper”. Did you know it isn’t a motorcycle, it’s a chopper?  I didn’t.  It occurred to me that I’d like to know things like that.  I’d like to casually but firmly correct somebody about something such as this which are obvious now but when I was 14, I had no idea.  Bruce Willis telling me it wasn’t a motorcycle placed an inkling in my head I should know these things.

It’s a Tarentino movie, so don’t watch it at work...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ue996GQMC8 

9.  Riggs Lays it Down - “Lethal Weapon - 3″

The Bike: 1984 Kawasaki KZ1000 Police

Riggs, of course, needs to wreck half of Los Angeles to catch somebody and finally gets on two wheels to do so in the third installment of the franchise.  In coming up with this one, Riggs’ very memorable shot coming through the smoke with the windscreen having been torn off by a semi (of course) is arguably the most memorable shot of the whole movie which is why it makes #9.  

I was told in my motorcycle safety course that there are very few times when it is acceptable or advisable to lay it down.  If you laid it down, essentially, you consciously decided to crash.  One of the very few times it IS acceptable to lay it down is when you are about to drive off the cliff.  Since sliding off a cliff is certain death, taking your chances trying to find something to grab on to as you slide towards your doom is the better option.  Otherwise, I am told, if you are headed towards a car, you will hit the car that pulled out in front of you at a higher rate of speed if you slide vs ride as the coefficient of friction is higher between the ground and your tires than it is between the ground and the rest of your motorcycle.  Also you stand a greater chance of being run over by the wheels if you are at ground level.   Heading towards a cliff, though, changes the situation slightly.  There is no car to run you over and even you hit the cliff at 5mph, you’ll die when you go over.  You’re better off trying to grab something as you slide towards the cliff and slow your speed.  

Also, If Jack Travis is also firing a fully automatic machine gun at you, you present a harder target to hit if you lay it down, so we can see, here, that Martin made an excellent choice, given several potential hazards...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQ49ym9clB0

8.  Rooney Mara helps revive Cafe Racers - “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo”

The Bike:  Honda CL350

One of two entries on our list who rides with All the Gear, All the Time.  See, I really don’t know why people don’t want to wear proper motorcycling gear because Rooney Mara looks like a badass when she does it.  She even tries to get Daniel Craig in on ATGATT at the end of the movie but it doesn’t go well.  

Anywho.  Certainly the revival of the Cafe Racer style motorcycle wouldn’t be attributed to the movie, but it didn’t hurt.  (Cafe Racers are light, nimble motorcycles with dropped handlebars leading to a bent over riding stance...I guess these are what the cool, hipster kids are into now).  While there was no single moment involving the motorcycle, Rooney Mara’s dark, brooding character wouldn’t have been the same had she pulled up in a SmartCar.  Mara’s ride seems to be as aloof as she was throughout the movie.  A little tortured, too, as I can’t think of too many things less comfortable than taking a motorcycle with drop handlebars and an odd stance up through remote Sweden in the middle of winter.   But does she care?  Don’t be an idiot.  Of course she doesn’t care.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l23hFSfp0b4

7.  Tom Cruise’s Need for Speed - “Top Gun”

The Bike:  Kawasaki GPZ 900

Okay, so lets get this out of the way...it is rather silly to try and race a jet on a motorcycle as Tom Cruise appears to be doing.  Especially when he was fairly easily chased down by Kelly McGillis in her not-hotrod later in the movie, but if you’re going to sit there and tell me you didn’t secretly want to zoom away on a crotch rocket into the sunset to the sounds of Kenny Loggins’ “Highway to the Danger Zone”, I would easily call you a liar.

Go on then, take a trip down memory lane... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTj-jJDkYkM

6.  Trinity and the Keymaster - “The Matrix Reloaded”

The Bike:  Ducati 996

So, as motorcycle chases go, you can’t really top this one.  When Trinity goes against traffic, you kind of almost cover your eyes.  The problem is, and the reason it’s only number 6 is because I made the mistake of watching the “making of” this scene and...it just takes away from the whole thing.  So don’t.  Just watch Trinity get her swerve on.  

It is fun that they flipped the script and put the dude on the back.  Of all the scenes in movies that made me want a sport bike, this was the one that topped my list.  At the end of the day, sport bikes just aren’t my thing, but it does make you want to stop whatever you’re doing and go buy a Ducati.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eF9AC2Ce2ow

5.  Steve McQueen’s Getaway - “The Great Escape”

The Bike:  Trumph T6

I was so happy at the start of the scene when Steve McQueen was dressed appropriately.  Okay, granted, it was a stolen SS uniform and that’s what the Germans were looking for, but at least he had a helmet on.  Steve’s attempt at being inconspicuous by ditching his gear was somewhat foiled when he jumped his stolen Triumph over a barbed wire fence which looks rather suspicious.  

Steve McQueen was well known for loving motorcycles, he had over a hundred in his personal collection and was a very capable rider himself.  Bet he wished he was wearing full leather at the end of that scene...

It’s certainly not as hair raising as Trinity’s ride above, but it’s arguably more iconic and, apparently, McQueen himself lobbied pretty hard to do the jump at the end but was under contract not to. And he is the King of Cool.  So there you go...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zwW7iWinrk

4.  Marlon Brando’s Wild Ride - “The Wild One”

The Bike:  1950 Triumph Blackbird

The very first recognizable motorcycle movie had Marlon Brando, long before he was making people offers they couldn’t refuse, he was riding into town, hitting on otherwise innocent waitresses, and getting into good old-fashioned (emphasis on old-fashioned) fisticuffs in the street (the old-timey insults are kind of tremendous) and generally being a brooding jerk.   There’s motorcycle racing and fights around motorcycles and it’s obviously pretty dated.  But it was the first movie in which motorcycles were the central feature, and that commands respect.  My only complaint...arguably the best line in the movie was said in the wrong place.  While standing in a bar he was asked “Hey Johnny, what are you rebelling against?”   Instead of leaning against jukebox, the director should have had him answer while scowling over handlebars: “What do you got?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGn_od9owp8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iyq4HZZ4H50

3.  The Terminator 2 Dueling Scoots - “Terminator 2 - Judgement Day”

The Bikes - Harley-Davidson Fatboy FLSTF/Honda XR80 Dirtbike/Kawasaki KZ1000 Police Model

I rewatched “Terminator 2″ and that movie straight up, holds up.  The special effects don’t suck, even today and in 1990, they were rediculous.  While I will concede that motorcycles aren’t the first thing that people think of when they think of that movie, when you rewatch it, you remember how tremendous that scene was.  

What Mr. Brannon’s 6th Grade class was most fascinated with was Arnold’s one-handed re-cocking of his shotgun while on the back of that iconic ride and who didn’t pretend to do so while mounted on his trusted Huffy.  What kid didn’t pretend to outrun a T-1000 on his same trusted Huffy through Brookside Park in Ames, Iowa?   You didn’t?  I weep for your misspent youth.

It’s too bad they ran over the dirtbike.  It took a hit from a semi and stayed up. The thing is, though, when I was thinking about motorcycles in movies and coming up with this list, the first thing I remembered was the T-1000 on the back of the Kawasaki riding up a flight of stairs and then right the hell out of a window.  And I remember that horrifying scene where the T-1000 gets his motorcycle which is really only the line, “Say...that’s a nice bike.”   And you are left with only your imagination to devise what happened to the luckless motorcycle cop who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  In an incredible twist of irony, one of only two riders on this list wearing a helmet was a Terminator.  And fine work by the Kawasaki Police bikes, with two appearances on the Top 10.

Go ahead - waste some time at work:

http://www.getyarn.io/yarn-clip/c724bc3f-a0ce-4cf7-b060-d39a2b7beb49

Here’s Arnold getting his ride...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYOoWCv_PYE

And this is one hell of a scene:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgphD_ZO_jI

2.  Prince’s Iconic Ride - “Purple Rain”

The Bike: Honda Hondamatic CM400a

Wait, what?  A Honda?  This wasn’t some badass custom Harley Road Glide in a royal shade of purple?  Not at all...have a look at the stock version:

See, you have to remember that Prince was only 5′4 or whatever.  You can’t have His Royalty struggling to hold up a 900lb touring monster.  Not if you want that iconic photograph above.  So you switch out the stock seat for a king queen seat, put a big faring on the front to make it look bigger than it is and give it a paint job nobody would ever forget.  

And nobody did.  If you say the words “Purple Rain” to anybody born after 1985 or so (and even people born after that), the first thing they’re likely to say back is Prince.  And the first visual image they have is that motorcycle on the album cover.  If we are talking about motorcycles in movies that nobody forgets, we’d be absolutely remiss if we didn’t put this one in the top 3.

The motorcycle scene, I’m afraid, has been pulled from YouTube due to copyright stuff...honestly, the scene quite didn’t hold up over time.  Maybe it’s just better to keep the regal ride the way you had it in your mind...

1.  The Captain America Chopper - “Easy Rider”

The Bike:  A custom chopper - no model

Yeah, don’t overlook the obvious here.  There is one king of movie motorcycles and it’s the Easy Rider Captain America Chop.  

This motorcycle almost became the most expensive ride in history - at one point nearly selling for $1.7 million.  The buyer backed out when questions about authenticity arose and the story of the “Easyrider” chops is a rather notorious one.  

The interwebs tell me that there were four original motorcycles used for the movie and that 3 of the original four were stolen before the movie even hit the silver screen.  One of the actors, Dan Haggarty (Grizzly Adams DID have a beard) ended up rebuilding the fourth, or at least he SAID he did.  He authenticated two and then changed his mind.  Peter Fonda (seen above) also authenticated one bike but then said later that Haggarty had duped him and changed his mind.  Eventually, the buyer who had offered almost 2 million dollars for it changed HIS mind and backed out over questions regarding the authenticity.

The story of the motorcycle building is also pretty interesting and the good folks at NPR dug up some more history if you’re interested:

http://www.npr.org/2014/10/11/354875096/behind-the-motorcycles-in-easy-rider-a-long-obscured-story This is *The* movie motorcycle.  So go ahead and appreciate it.  And don’t worry, the opening scene still holds up.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1cDECkN2xg

[everybodygetawesome]

Top 10 Awesome...Awesome

Do you know what’s awesome?  1,000 days of Awesome.

So, I know what I think is awesome but I was awfully curious about what you all thought was awesome.  As it happens, Facebook lets you do this objectively...sort of.  I kept track of the number of “likes” you all put on each post.  If this seems a little Orewellian, well, that should sort of serve to remind us all that whatever we post on line is written in ink and isn’t erasable.   But while it’s a little disconcerting to know that what I wrote online three years ago is easily accessable, it’s also interesting to see the trends of what you all, to a certain extent, agreed with.  I get it - Facebook likes aren’t the end-all be-all barometer of what’s agreed with and what isn’t, but it’s mildly interesting anyways.   One trend that was easily noticed was that you’re all really nice.  Family moments were far and away the most liked of any of the posts.  Because it was kind of skewed that way, I actually decided to do several different Top 10 Lists because it sort of broke down into different categories and wouldn’t be particularly interesting if it was just moments from Jon’s life vs observations. So, one category is The Self Centered Top 10. 8 of the overall top 10 fell into this category and, while I’m very flattered, I kind of wanted to see what else you liked.   I thought you’d like to know what your favorite restaurants were, so there’s a Top 10 Eateries just because.  The last category is the Top 10 that didn’t involve something I was doing or was involved with.  In other words, the observations and this was the thing I was particularly interested in. 

Wanna start out with a Best of the Rest that were ignored?  I didn’t quite get to 10, but there were 9 that nobody seemed to like... The Goose-eggs! (no likes at all)

- College Football Rivalries - I was irritated that the Notre Dame/Michigan rivalry was ending when I wrote this one. - The Right Mascot in the Right Town - Charlotte turned their mascot back into the Hornets.  I was excited. - The Halo Franchise -  Love those games.  Not everybody else’s favorite I guess... - Car Jacks - Who doesn’t love a car jack?  You love it when you need one... - Boys who are long in the tooth - I think Jack, Arnold, and Gary Player were teeing of the Masters. I was jealous.  - Drew Magary on Deadspin - I was reading his “Why your team sucks column” and was trying like hell not to laugh in a meeting.  - Gustin - It’s my favorite place to buy pants and they’re made in America.    - Homage - It’s my favorite place to buy T-shirts and they’re made in America. - Ninjas - How in THE HELL did nobody like this one?!?

Alright...lets do this thing! The Self-Centered Top 10 So, what I found out here is that you’re all nice.  Far and away, the most liked posts were moments of me and my family and moments that we had over the past 3 years.  Of the overall Top 10, 8 of them involved either me or my family.  Another thing that was a trend is that you guys like pictures.  It is flattering, but lets get those out of the way and get to the more interesting lists below...

#10.  A supportive Nursing Staff (Overall #13) Now, this was actually a video - this was during the height of the Ice Bucket Challenge days and our nursing staff were kind enough to pour icy water on us.  That was helpful.

#9. ‘Merica (Overall #12) - It was July 4th and who doesn’t want to take a picture to celebrate it?

#8.  The Guy who Snowblows the Neighborhood (Overall #10)

While you might all have agreed with this, it was incredibly self-promoting...as it happens I was That Guy that day.   #7.  Finding out you passed a Big Exam (Overall #7)

My medical friends will not be at all surprised about this one - it was in response to passing of medical boards.

#6.  Doing something for 9 decades (Overall #6) 

This was a nice photo.  My grandpa was playing a rather complicated peice of music (Bach) on his violin.  As it says, he’s been doing it for 9 decades.

#5.  Dress Up Day at Work (Overall #5)

I dressed up as Tony Stark for Halloween.  Had to be done.  

#4.  Completing a Long Journey (Overall #4)

I remember writing this post on the way to our residency banquet dinner.  Kelley was driving and it was sunny and wonderful outside.  I was hours away from completed a journey that started with a science-less, rugby-playing, more-than-slightly-ill-focused-20-something at Iowa State and ended with a licenced physician.   Weird.

#3.  Me (Overall #3)

Well, I can’t disagree with you.  It is an absolutely tremendous photo.

#2.  Being a Dad or Mom (Overall #2)

There are a bunch of different ways to announce a baby is on the way...this was ours:

#1.  This Kid (Overall #1)

Everybody likes birth announcements...of all the posts, this one (and the above one) got the most likes going away.

The Food Top 10

One thing that you guys all seemed to like was food and restaurants.  Here’s the 10 that you all liked the best:

#10. The Rusty Duck (Overall #193)  This post was accompanied by a picture of a hamburger you can get there.  It was tremendous...what I should have done was taken a picture of this bit of bacon, mushroom, and cheese that fell off of my hamburger.  It represented about 150 calories and about 1% of the total mass of the hamburger.

#9. The Flying Mango (Overall #156)  This restaurant knocks out some good New Orleans style BBQ.  You should go.

   #8. South Union Bread Company (Overall #150)  I was kind of surprised to see South Union rank past #s 10-8, but I guess there’s something to be said for a basic component of any meal - Bread.  

#7. Jethro’s (Overall #147)  Jethro’s earned, I imagine, it’s #6 spot for being Des Moines’ undisputed king of BBQ excess.  It’s maybe not the best BBQ in the city, but it’s pretty good, and you get a hell of a lot of it.

#6. The Royal Mile (Overall #122) Did it get the #6 spot because of the beer or because of the fish and chips?  I dunno but you all liked it...

#5. 801 Steak and Chop House (Overall #100).  Des Moines’ premier restaurant managed to bump ZombieBurger off the list.  I found this disappointing but must report the facts as they occurred.   And the fact is, that was the best steak I’ve ever had.  #4. Panera Bread (Overall #91)  I think the reason Panera ranked so highly here was because the post also included a little blurb about how Panera gave away a literal truck-load of bread and baked goods to the homeless shelter.  Kelley and I picked it up the day before Thanksgiving and that’s what inspired the post.

#3. Casey’s Pizza (Overall #49)  I’ve been meaning to do a Top 10 Pizza List but haven’t gotten around to it.  I have to think that Casey’s would be a lock for minimum top 3 in that list as well.

#2.Hy-Vee Chinese (Overall #30)  Welp.  We like what we like.  Don’t apologize, baby.  The Sesame Chicken is fantastic.

#1. Hickory Park (Overall #28) It wasn’t by a wide margin, but Hickory Park edged out Hy-Vee Chinese as the overall most liked restaurant by all of you.   Take a bow, Hickory Park.  You inspired more Facebook Agreement than any other restaurant among my friends.

The Observation Top 10 This was really the thing I was particularly interested in and there were some odd trends...and some not so odd ones.  Lets have a look, shall we? #10.  Being Nice (Overall #26) There wasn’t really a reason for this one.  I think I just wanted to point out that being nice was better than being mean.  Be collectively proud of yourselves.  It was well recieved.  

#9.  Treating People Equally (Overall #24) This post was in response to the supreme court decision regarding gay marriage in June of 2015.  People seem to agree that treating each other equally is a good thing. #8.  Moms and Step-Moms and Grandmoms but Especially New Moms (Overall #23).  This one could have shown up in the self-centered top 10 as this was the first mother’s day for Kelley.  Lots of people seemed to agree that moms were awesome.   #7.  No more political ads (Overall #21) I found this to be the most interesting observation of all of them.  I say it was interesting because “No more political ads” got quite literally more than 10x the likes of the post on the previous day.   The previous day’s post was “Democracy”. #6.  The Families of Veterans (Overall #18) This was on veteran’s day.  We all agreed that the families of veterans put up with quite a bit. #5.  A Time Capsule Like Experience (Overall #16) This was a reference to an old newspaper article that I found from the late 1960′s in which a doctor wrote a column detailing why it was every mother’s responsibility to vaccinate their children. #4.  When the Kid Sleeps through the Night (Overall #15) Well, this pretty much speaks for it’s self.  

#3.  Helping Someone Get Help (Overall #11) Certainly the most somber of all the top posts, this was written the day we all found out Robin Williams committed suicide.  

#2.  The Option to Have an Epidural (Overall #9) Aside from many people liking this one, it also inspired more comments than any other Get Awesome post written.  I honestly thought it was going to hack some people off and almost didn’t post it.  Kelley was watching a prenatal education video and irritatedly said “My birth-plan is a healthy baby.  If it takes an epidural, then that’s what it takes.” #1.  Growing Up (Overall #8) This was one of my favorite posts of any of them.  My friend Jeff Lillie whom I graduated from high school with and have had more than one frosty beverage with, got elected mayor of our hometown.  My friends Adam Griswold and Brock Fredericksen, whom I have have also shared a frosty beverage were elected to city council.   There was some concern about all of us at one point.  Turns out we did okay after all.  

So there you go. 

I don’t know how much longer this will last - I didn’t think it would last this long. The first post was Trapper Keepers on a May afternoon and at the time, we had no children, I was still in residency and Kelley had a different job.  Just under three years doesn’t seem like that long ago, but going over the excel spread sheet makes it seem a lot longer.   Maybe it’ll go another thousand...if it does, I’ll let you know...

[everybodygetawesome]

Top 10 Awesome Old Dudes

Do you know what’s awesome?  Being old and awesome.  Because I am male, I have a few people that I’d like to be and I think most of my male friends would also like to be.  That shining example of awesomeness we look to and strive to be as a man.  The guy who, if you become, represents all the goals, hopes, and dreams set forth and pushed for by your Y chromosome.   People seem to reject the idea of getting old.  Allow me to demonstrate that some of us don’t get older, we get awesomer. Best of the Rest - 

Drunk Color Commentators/Play by Play Guys - Harry Caray would be the Gold Standard here but certainly Harry Doyle from “Major League” would be a close second, and the Pittsburgh Steelers’ Mouthpeice Myron Cope would also very much fall into this category.  (I don’t know if Myron Cope was always drunk.  He should have been.)   Oh to be a drunk Color Commentator.   You could argue that it’s the best job in the world.  I actually will set forth an argument that there’s somebody roughtly in the same genre who’s career has taken an odd left turn has it even better below.

The Old Badass in the Gym -  I outlined this guy in a Get Awesome post last year.  You know who he is.  He’s 66 years old and he out-benches you by about 150 lbs.  If you baled hay with him, you’d die.  He wears sleeveless shirts and makes it look GOOD.  Everybody stays the HELL OUT OF HIS WAY.   Him - “Are you finished with this bench?” You (having just started your set)- “Yessir.  Yes I am.”

Your Grandpa - He’s the only guy your dad tries to impress.  He taught you how to fish or weld or make paper airplanes or whatever.  He might have been a farmer or a music composer but he did it for, like, 9 decades and you don’t know anybody who did it better.  

Let’s do this thing!

Top 10 Awesome Old Dudes - 

#10.  George Burns - 

He played God and the Devil in the same movie.  He was 101 when he died and went out still smoking a cigar everyday.  

#9.  The Most Interesting Man in the World

I want to tell people how I ran with the bulls and hang-glided and played jai’alai.  I want to be able to parallel park a train.  I want to slam a revolving door.   I want a deluge of internet memes based on me being cool.   I admit it.  When I am fast forwarding through commercials on DVR and I see the Most Interesting Man in the World, I stop, rewind, and see what the Most Interesting Man in the World is up to this time around.   It is a rare talent to make me do that.

#8.  Arnold Palmer - 

See, Jack actually works.  He’s designing courses and has responsibilities.  Arnold has a drink named after him and the only responsibility he has is that he has to TEE OFF THE MASTERS EVERY YEAR.  Would you rather be President of the United States and throw out the first pitch of the season for 4 or (if you’re lucky) 8 years? Or would you rather be Arnold Palmer and show up to Augusta whenever you want, tee off the Masters until you can’t do it anymore? Even then you could wiseassedly walk up to the tee-box with a putter and literally nobody would argue with what you were about to do.

I know which one I’d want to be.  

#7  Vito Corleone - 

Because even at whatever age he’s at, he makes offers that people don’t refuse.  He gets shot.  Doesn’t matter.  Do you think he’s dying on the hood of a car surrounded by Fredo who can’t even get his frigging gun out of his pocket and some oranges on the ground?  

Son, you don’t know Vito.  That’s not how Vito goes out.  

#6.  Uncle Jesse - 

Well, he’s the coolest bootlegging moonshiner you ever knew and he had the best get away drivers there ever were south of the Mason-Dixon line. He had an arch enemy (Boss Hogg) with which to do battle and keep a show that really had no plot going for 7 seasons.   Hell yes I ranked him ahead of Vito Corleone!  They’re both in charge of crime syndicates but Jesse’s Crime Syndicate never killed anybody. Also, because when they remake movies, they usually just butcher it.  But Willie Nelson played Uncle Jesse and that didn’t suck.  

Actually, speaking of that...

#5.  Willie Nelson

See, now I can prove that Willie Nelson totally belongs at #5 here very easily without even arguing for an appreciation of the finer points of bad behavior.  Check this out - this is Willie Nelson in his youth:

Who looks more awesome to you?  Old Willie Nelson or Young Willie Nelson.  

Hence, #5.  With a bullet.

#4.  Ellis “Red” Redding from “Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption”

Now, some of you might be wondering why the longer title...most of you probably already know this but just in case...it’s because the movie, which is excellent of course, was based on a short story by Stephen King (didn’t you wonder why it took place in Maine?).

There’s a con like him in every prison.  He’s the guy who can get it for you.  Bottle a brandy to celebrate your kid’s high school graduation, a bag of reefer if that’s your thing.  Damn near anything within reason.  Yes, he’s a regular Sears and Robuck.   He can even find you work tarring the roof of the old plate factory because May is one damn fine month to be working outside.  Pair him with Andy Dufrene and you’ve got the potential for quite an enterprise...

#3.  Campbell from “Braveheart”

Shot with an arrow.  Gets drunk.  Knocks out the guy trying to hold him down while they cauterize the wound.  Loses a hand.  Gets a mace, and is still a badass at Falkirk.  

If you’re looking to be a tough old bastard, that’s who you’re shooting for right there.  

#2.  Papi from The Dan Lebatard Show - 

I am arguing here that Papi has risen above all the other drunk color commentators to a new level of awesomeness.  I don’t know if he’s half in the bag when they tape Highly Questionable, but in my mind Papi has been drinking rum all day while wearing a guayabera shirt and straw fedora, and is the single most lovable human on the planet.  

He came from Cuba as a refugee and earned a few engineering degrees in his second language and made a better life for his kids.  Now he gets to sit and say funny stuff about sports which is easy for him because Papi is HILARIOUS.  He doesn’t have say anything that’s factually accurate - he gets to say whatever he wants and it’s going to be funnier by virtue of his accent but also because he’s HILARIOUS.  

That is pretty much the best job in the world right there.  Wanna see him do his thing?  

(Juanito is his bookie and he calls him via banana-phone.  Because.  That’s why.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fr_XtlFGP5E

By the way.  He raps too.  Because.  That’s why.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSbzBZ0ZCg8

#1.  Burgess Meredith in “Grumpy Old Men”

So, truth be told, Walter Mathau, Jack Lemmon, AND Burgess Meredith were all awesome.  The thing is, after he got done training Rocky (which, honestly, probably would have landed him #1 on this list just for that effort), Bergess Meredith transcended all Old Guy Awesomeness with this effort.  His character is the single most awesome old dude in history.  I defy you to find an awesomer old dude. If you wake up one day and realize you’re Burgess Meredith in “Grumpy Old Men” then you win. 

I will prove this to you with the following dialogue:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mK5Gf2CS6u8

[everybodygetawesome]

Top 10 Dastardly Awesome Backstabbings!

Do you know what’s awesome?  An eye-raising, jaw-dropping, I-can’t-believe-he-did-that backstabbing that adds to the plot of movies, books, or TV Shows.   Don’t get me wrong, real back stabbings are lame and you shouldn’t do it.  Because then you would suck at life.  But if you’re watching it for entertainment value, well, then if you’re like me you need to rank them.  

For my back-stabbing list today, I decided to rank 10 of the best from those three entertainment genres and quite honestly a lot of this is going to go pretty old school.  

By the way, it sort of goes without saying but a list of Dastardly Awesome Backstabbings is going to have 

***MAJOR SPOILER ALERTS***

attached to it.  I’ll do my very best to warn you that one is coming but really there’s only one that you maybe didn’t know about yet.  The other ones, well, you probably should know about by now.  

Do you want to start with a

Best of the Rest

Well, I do...

Lando Calrissian and Han Solo Have Issues to Work Out - 

The Deal that Kept Getting Worse All the Time almost saw Lando get choked out by Chewbacca who remains, to date, the greatest Best Friend in Cinematic History.  But was Lando really stabbing Han in the back to save his own skin?  Seems like he had a plan to rescue him all along.  

Besides, there’s a better backstabbing to be found in that trilogy...

Peter Pettegrew Sells Out James and Lily Potter

A rat.  Just like his Animagus form.  A certain betrayal, no doubt, but one that had already happened which made the timing of storytelling a bit off.  And just missing the Top 10.  If we watched it happen in the book rather than being told it had happened it probably would have made the Top 10.

Tony Soprano Sets Up Feech LaManna

Tony Soprano generally looked people right in the eye when he killed them.  There may have been a bit of subterfuge to get people where he needed them and he may have had to disguise a pistol in a Red Snapper but that’s not back stabbing.  

His dispatchment of Feech LaManna seemed...very treacherous.  Even for Tony.

Wanna do this thing?  I do!

Top Ten Dastardly Awesome Backstabbings!

#10.  Bud Fox Hangs Gordon Gekko Out To Dry - “Wallstreet”

Who wouldn’t trust those guys?  

Oh, the back stabbing wasn’t the part where Buddy Fox rats him out to the Feds.  It was when Buddy Fox engineered a particularly back-stabby scheme to get even with Gekko after the two of them agreed to turn Blue Star Airlines into a major player.  Well, there is no honor among thieves and after Gordon Gekko decided to ruin Blue Star Airlines, it turned out Bud Fox had learned a few tricks from the Corporate Raider.  And he also learned that Sir Larry wouldn’t mind helping out a bit in taking down his nemesis.

Blue Horseshoe does not love losing millions.  All it cost Bud was a few years in prison and an unseemly walk out of his office.  Gekko never should have suggested “The Art of War”.

#9.  Joe Pesci Shouldn’t Trust People - “Casino” and “Goodfellas”

If you haven’t seen these movies, well, you should have by now so I’m not going to apologize for a spoiler in movies made 25 years ago.  

Joe Pesci needs to stop going to meetings.  I mean, for God’s sake Nicky, you’ve been pissing off everybody in Organized Crime and you agree to meet IN A REMOTE CORN FIELD?  At least Tommy thought he was being Made. I admit, I didn’t see either coming.  But then again, I’m not a freakin’ gangster, who should be trained in the art of realizing when somebody’s about to kill me.

#8.  Mornay and Lochlan Try to Get Over on William Wallace - “Braveheart”

Long before Mel Gibson got all weird (that was too bad) he was making the Last Great Non-CGIed Epic movie.  There were no computer generated troops - Mel went out and borrowed the Irish National Army (really) to make his movie and his masterpiece is, despite his later fall from grace, one of my Top 5 Favorites of All-Time.

Anyways, The Scottish Nobles Mornay and Lochlan doubled their land and titles and all it took was nonchalantly shuffling off the battlefield at Falkirk leaving Wallace to fight by himself.  

This sort of thing doesn’t go without an answer of course...with a mace...

Why William Wallace kept trusting people was beyond me.  But he did.  Which he probably needed to because Mel needed to yell “Freedom” dramatically at the end of the movie.

#7.  Fredo Breaks Michael’s Heart - “The Godfather Part II”

Fredo.  Fredo, Fredo, Fredo. I KNOW IT WAS YOU FREDO! Arguably drama’s most famous fraternal backstabbing sees Fredo give up his brother (who happens to run one of the Five Families) (stupid move if you ask me) for compensation.  In a rather unusual misjudgement of character, Michael tells Tom Hagen that Fredo “has a good heart but he’s weak and he’s stupid.”  

Well, he doesn’t have a good heart Mike!  He has a treacherous, deceiving heart and he can’t handle his alcohol, otherwise he wouldn’t have let it slip he had met Uncle June in Havana earlier.  

I’ll grant you that Fredo may not have known what was going to happen and in terms of straight up deception, it’s maybe not the strongest backstabbing but in terms of famous movie scenes that will live forever, it’s hard to keep this one off.  You never go against the Family. Fredo, you broke my heart.  At least Fredo got in a Hail Mary before, well...you know...

#6. Saruman Turns on Gandalf, the Ents, and Middle Earth - “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers”

You know what?  A wizard SHOULD know better.  Saruman adopted that incredibly noble position “if you can’t beat them, join them and in the process cross orcs with men so they can withstand the sunlight”.  I have no problem with Agribusiness but this new devilry certainly wasn’t making a strong case for GMOs.

He might have gotten away with if he hadn’t torn down Fangorne Forest and pissed off the Ents.  He also made the classic bad guy error placing his chief rival in an easily escapable prison rather than just killing him.  He should have know that Gandalf could get a moth engineer his escape.  A wizard should know better.

And finally, he should know that people respond better to positive reinforcement.  Dude needed a course in upper management skills.  If you keep berating your employees (Grima Wormtongue), eventually they get fed up and, ironically enough... Stab you right in the back.

#5.  Harry Dunne Goes Skiing, Makes a Snowman, and Has His Leg Touched - “Dumb and Dumber”

Lots of back stabbing in this movie.  Maybe you didn’t realize it but Harry and Lloyd’s relationship is filled with all manner of betrayal.  It all started with Freida Felcher and Harry might have forgiven, but he never forgot.  Lloyd thought he was “in like a dirty shirt” but instead Harry was laying down the charm, hot and heavy.  Getting himself a DATE.  Getting ready to make a SNOWMAN.

Lloyd had his heart set on Mary Swenson...Swanson?  Whatever.  It starts with an “S”.  Like a tractorbeam.  Sucked him right in.  Like so many beguiling women before her, she led Harry and Lloyd down a tale as old as time, two best friends torn apart over one woman and ends in the saddest thing you could think of, two best friends (brothers, practically!), one heartbroken on a Moped and the other heavily invested in a toilet that won’t flush.

It even drove one of them to violence (”She touched my leg.” “Fine, kill him!”)

#4.  The Red Wedding - “Game of Thrones”

***Seriously, major spoiler alert here, if you haven’t seen Game of Thrones which is more plausible at this point than not having seen “Goodfellas”, skip this***

Walter Fray you SON OF A BITCH.  

Somebody actually spoiled this for me and I knew what was coming as it pertained to one character but I didn’t know they’d be wiping out what was seemingly half the cast.  

I never looked at Hogwarts’ Filch the same way again.

#3.  Cassius and Brutus Murder Caesar - “The Tragedy of Julius Caesar” by William Shakespeare

Lets get back to our dramatic roots!  To be the best, you have to beat the best and very few people do dramatic backstabbings better than Bill Shakespeare.  For a list like this, we would be incredibly remiss if we didn’t give the regicide OGs their due because, well, they stabbed Caesar in the back.  It’s better when backstabbing isn’t just metaphorical, it’s literal. Well, Caesar fell, his will to live being sapped by Brutus’ and Cassius’ dastardly plan and started a long history of killing a king in the name and service of drama.  

#2.  Emperor Palpatine Doesn’t See It Coming - “Star Wars Episode VI: The Return of the Jedi”

How did he not see it coming?  We all knew what Vader was up to when he was looking back and forth between Luke and the Emperor and none of us are Sith Lords with the power of the Force to read minds and choke out enemies.  All Palpatine had to do was stop shooting lightning out of his hands for, like, three seconds to ask Vader if he was having second thoughts about electrocuting the kid.

Well, he should have.  He didn’t.  Classic bad guy error.  Failing to pay attention to your underlings having moral qualms about their evil deeds causes the Bad Guy to lose all the time and, in this case, caused the Emperor to get thrown down an elevator shaft and explode.  

Good backstabbing, Vader.  Glad you came around.  Well done.  

#1.  Paris Totally Backdoors Menelaus - “The Story of the Trojan War” As Told by Ancient Greek Bards and Poets All the Way to Hollywood

I argue that this is the most famous backstabbing in dramatic history, mostly because of it’s staying power.  The story of Drama’s very first dick-move sees Paris, who was supposed to be sowing peace and prosperity between the Greeks and Trojans totally pull a Rick Springfield and steal/lure/capture/whatever-depending-on-who’s-telling-the-story Menelaus’ wife Helen back to Troy with him.  Menelaus, furious, went to his brother Agamemnon and the two called on all the Greek Captains to go to war. 

And so now Helen is known to have a face that launched a thousand ships.  The Trojan War started, Homer wrote a few epics and now, til the end of our days as people, Helen of Troy will be forever synonymous with beauty.  A Trojan Horse will forever be known as a trick to sneak something or someone into a secure space (and would be number 1 on a list of All-Time best uses of subterfuge, by the way).  An Achilles heel will forever be the one weakness of an otherwise unconquerable foe.  An Odyessey will always be an epic voyage.  These things have managed to maintain their place in our western culture and will.  Forever.  Our planets are named after the Gods and Goddesses in these stories...Narcissus, Atlas, Titans, Labyrinths, Hercules...they are all words we see that come from these stories.  Some of the very first stories we have as a people are still some of the best and get retold every few years. 

And our most famous of these first stories?  Well that one is the story of the Trojan War.  And it all started when Paris stabbed Menelaus right in the back.  

[everybodygetawesome]

Top 10 Sports Person Commercials

Do you know what’s awesome?  Commercials you actually like watching.  I was straight up thrilled to see one of my very favorite commercials of all time show up on TV the other day after being packed away for around 25 years.  I thought it would be a good idea to dust off the old marketing degree from UNI (fortunately less than 25 years old), and run through 10 of my favorite commercials that included Sports Stars.   Now, I should point out, these are sports stars selling products, not selling sports.  So all the commercials for SportsCenter and sporting events like the current ads where Shaq is sad about his bracket, while very funny, aren’t allowed on this list.  The rules are, the sports star has to be hawking a product that you yourself could easily go purchase.  And, as always, no internet help in forming this list but was needed to find the clips. There were many that didn’t make it - Mike Ditka’s hawking of Levitra tragically missed Top 10, even with the imagery of him throwing a football through a tire.  What clever mind could unlock the hidden meaning behind that symbolism, I wonder...

With so many good ones out there, we should probably start with a 

Best of the Rest!

Charles Barkley isn’t Uncivilized - Right Guard

Look how skinny he is.  Charles looks some how tragically uncomfortable and simultaniously completely at ease as he woodenly states “Well, off to the Foxes”.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZaRUpXO-0Q

Shaq Utters Those Famous Words - Reebok

This was one of the first commercials I can remember that brought back old players and referenced them as it pertained to the younger player.  I’m sure there were ads that came out earlier than this one, but this one was the one I remember first.  

So don’t.  Don’t fake the funk on a nasty dunk.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01-vPBqLplg

It Must Be the Shoes - Nike

I probably should have ranked this higher because of all the things in my childhood I wanted but didn’t get, these shoes are Top 3 (along with Megatron and a moped, if anybody is wondering)  (I did end up getting the shoes this Christmas, so suck it Matt Corones)

But the ad while catchy, didn’t quite have the humor or the iconic status to crack my Top 10.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhHONpmlxPc

UnderArmour “We must protect This House!” - So, you must understand something.  I think this commercial is very stupid.  Fully stupid.  Here’s why it’s on the list: #1. “We must protect this house!” has become somewhat catchy, so the commercial worked but much more importantly #2. My friends Ike, York, Owen, and Fratter have made fun of this commercial mercilessly for about a decade and the idea that a bunch of dudes would start clapping in syncronicity while lifting to protect This House makes me giggle. Presumbably the only people you have to protect This House from are people trying to sneak in without a gym membership which really wouldn’t necessitate coordinated step routine but rather just semi-competent front office staff.

Maybe I’m over thinking this.  Well, whatever.  It’s awesome.  Awesomely bad, granted.  

By the way, if you’re wondering, yes the dude in the commercial was a Football Player and his name is Eric Ogbogu and he was a 6th round pick of the Cincinnati Bengals, so this counts though, granted, he’s not exactly a “star”.  Whatever.  Watch the commercial.  It’ll make you laugh.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnECY26PSHk

Let’s do this thing!

Jon’s Top 10 Commercials With Sports Stars of All-Time!

#10. “I’m Going to Disneyland!” - The Walt Disney Coorporation

So, this is mildly interesting.  The Walt Disney Corporation actually went to both Phil Simms and John Elway prior to Super Bowl XXI and offered them $75,000 to say “I’m going to Disney World”.  At the time, it wasn’t a commerical, per se, but it is a paid endorsement that cost money and ended up on Television in a scripted manner.  

Given that Phil Simms (who, by the way, I think still holds the record for passing efficiency in a Super Bowl after going 22-25) started the ad and it’s been a long standing tradition and the phrase “I’m going to Disney World” has sort of entered the lexicon as something you say after you’ve won something, I think it’s worth a #9 spot.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8P-gDZmFnTQ

#9.  Broadway Joe Sells Sex - Beautymist Pantyhose

Hey, at the time, this was kind of groundbreaking.  Joe Namath was the coolest dude on the planet at the time, and he was rocking pantyhose.  He once said “I like my women blonde and my Johnny Walker Red”.  Did he get that endorsement deal?  

Nope!  Pantyhose!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BCWvH2ISyI

#8.  Peyton Manning Flips the Script - Mastercard

Yeah, Peyton has sold everything from credit cards, to Pizza, to Buicks, to DirecTV.  It’s impressive, actually, that he managed to maintain being a decent quarterback in the league for almost a 5th of a century, in between insurance Ads.  

So he sold out.  So what.  Dude is stacking paper.  And this one was funny:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqd9giW18WI

#7.  Bird and Jordan Play for a Big Mac - McDonald’s

Bird’s career was winding down but Jordan was at the absolute Apex of his.  The biggest and most marketable star of that era (or any era, for that matter) was at the height of his powers, everybody wanted his shoes, and “off-the-whatever, through-the-whatever, off-the-backboard, nothing but net” entered the lexicon of playgrounds and gym classes all over the country.  They even relaunched this one.   Oh, if McDonalds would only go back to this glorious era of advertising.  I’m not sure why they think I will want to buy chicken selects if I see attractive 20-something hipsters having an incalculable amount of fun eating breaded chicken while listening to 60′s Motown.   Jordan and Bird’s Trick shots seem far more believable.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1shK-j_u6LI

#6.  Tiger Woods’ Juggling Golf Ball

Okay, so the way I heard it was that this wasn’t even planned.  He was supposed to be shooting another commercial and was just screwing around in between takes and the commercial people threw the whole script out and did this instead.   That’s pretty freaking sweet, actually.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6oTMosZ76b8

#5.  Jackie Moon - Bud Light

I know what you’re thinking.  Jackie Moon isn’t a real sports star.  Well, this is okay because Bud Light isn’t real beer.  

Doesn’t mean it wasn’t funny as hell the first time I saw it.  Because I find this ad to be the funniest of all of them, it gets the #5 spot.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ecqiZn2DDFQ

#4.  The All Blacks and The Haka - Adidas

You might find this cheesy.  I don’t.  It makes me want to buy an All-Blacks jersey and Adidas stuff.  It makes me want to be from New Zealand.  If you are one of the un-informed, the Haka is a war dance that was done before Maori warriors went to battle.  Now the New Zealand All-Blacks do it before their rugby matches.  (they wear all black - hence the name)

I did end up getting my All-Blacks Jersey - it was given to me by my then-girlfriend, now-wife and has been worn for every major examination I took, both getting into and passing through med school and board certification.  

(no, I don’t do the Haka before I take the exam)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUiGF4TGI9w  

#3.  Jose +10 - Adidas

Which sports star is in it?  Kind of all of them.

If you weren’t watching the World Cup in ‘06, you missed this one which would be too bad.  The neat thing about this one is that you don’t even need to speak the language to figure out what’s going on.  It played on the idea that soccer (sorry, football) is a universal game and so are certain things that come with being a kid.  

And then, they managed to build in footage of old players and really made it look seamless which, even in ‘06 wasn’t exactly easy to do. 

This really was a hell of an ad.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5DJfDSSzS50

#2. I Do, In Fact, Want to Be Like Mike - Gatorade

It’s not a Nike commercial.  I think alot of people jump to that conclusion which demonstrates the powerful connection that people have with Jordan and the Nike Brand...but this one wasn’t a Nike Ad.

By the way, I wonder if anybody else remembers this...Michael Jordan’s favorite flavor of Gatorade was citrus cooler which is the fourth flavor they came out with after Orange, Lemon-Lime, and...uhhh...Red.  Fruit Punch? Whatever that one is.  

Anyways, they discontinued Citrus Cooler, which was also, actually, my favorite flavor.  I’m rather sad about this.  Someday if I ever meet Mike, I’m going to tell him that we have something in common...

I still find myself humming this - it is, to date, the catchiest jingle for a Sports ad.  Ever.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1aM8Am2ISh8

#1.  Bo Knows - Nike

This ad was a perfect combination of product, celebrity, timing, and a little luck.  When I say “this ad”, I mean specifically one time this ad came on television.  

To understand why this ad was so great, you have to understand the context.  The first time everybody saw this ad, which is to say the first time it ran, was during the All-Star Game.  Quite obviously this was before the time of YouTube and DVR and people watched stuff all at the same time.  Remember, too, that it was even before Cable was overly accessible to everybody and so alot of people were just watching ABC, CBS, NBC, and Fox if you got a good signal.

So anyways, back to the All-Star Game.  Bo Jackson hit a titanic, Babe Ruth-ian, Roy Hobbes-ian lead-off home run.  Bo was arguably the coolest person in the country at the time and this just confirmed it. Ronald Reagan was in the press box and was helping call the game and the freakin’ PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES had just gotten done telling you that Bo Jackson was a ridiculous two sport athlete, Bo crushes one towards South America... 

And then they cut to this commercial.

The commentary on “You Don’t Know Bo” was right.  You could try, for a 100 years, with unlimited resources, using The Stud of all athletic endorsers that day, to make a better commercial that resonated with an audience more in one moment.  

You could try, over and over, to make a better commercial.  But you wouldn’t.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjpSH8qJ7c4

[everybodygetawesome]

Top 10 Coin-Op Video Games

Do you know what’s awesome? Video Arcades. Remember those? 1 quarter, three lives, and a dream that you too could etch your initials in the High Score. (or, a three letter bit of anatomy…whatever, you got High Score, you do what you do…)

With the exquisite video games now available at home, the depth and scope of the online worlds, the literal days that it takes to clear a video game these days, well, the era of the coin-op video arcade is over. And, realistically, unless you can drink beer at a Dave and Busters, it’s not coming back. 

Since it’s a Throwback Thursday, lets you and I take a trip back to the glory days of the classic coin-op video games and run through 10 of my favorites. Maybe we can even run across a few of your favorites as well…maybe we’ll jog a few happy memories. Maybe you can even know a cool bachelor friend who felt it necessary to drop a few thousand dollars on a sick man-cave with one of these old friends. Grab a six pack and pay homage if you do. But before you head over… let’s run through a Best of the Rest and a Top 10. 

I should point out that this was a very, very subjective list to make.  This isn’t just because, well, all of my lists are incredibly subjective (subject to my infallibly correct opinion on all things pop-culture), but because I decided to try and make this list based on those games that made themselves famous by being coin-ops.  I played Street Fighter II on a coin op, but primarily remember it on Super Nintendo.  Therefore, Street Fighter II doesn’t make my list. Hopefully, you think it’s worthy…

The Best of the Rest -

Joust - 

Great Plains Pizza in Ames, Iowa had this machine.  Therefore, I think fondly of it.  That is all.

Dig Dug - 

I'm not entirely sure why we needed to inflate the enemies, but what the hell.

Mortal Kombat/Street Fighter II -

Hold on, hold on.  Why isn't this one in the Top 10?  Because I, personally, associate it too much with Super Nintendo.  The first time I ever saw these, respectively, was at the Clarke County Fair on a Coin-Op machine and the old Kwik Shop caty-corner to the Ames Public Library.  I have to be honest, I thought these two were pretty great but played them way more on home consoles.

Rampage -  I'm not remotely sure why punching buildings and getting them to fall over is fun when you're 9 years old.  But it is.  Hence inclusion on my list. Hey, let's do this thing! Top 10 Coin Op Video Games!

#10.  Chinese Hero

If you don’t remember this one, I don’t blame you.  The only reason I put it on here was because it’s the first Coin-Op I can really remember playing.  It was sitting by the hotel pool at the Gateway Hotel in Ames, Iowa.  It used to be, before the invention of disposable key cards, that making extra keys that people would invariable lose for the pool wasn’t cost effective for hotels and so the Gateway pool was open to anybody off the street.  So it was open to me!  I walked over from the old house I used to live in on Woodview Drive and in between playing in the pool and wondering why people liked the sauna, I bugged my mom for quarters for Chinese Hero.   And so it’s on my list.  Even though the people who likely remember it are far and few between.

#9.  Elevator Action

This is one of the first coin-op games I can remember – it showed up at the old Do-Biz Cookie company lobby in Ames, Iowa.  There was an old Centipede game there as well and it baffled me why anybody would want to play Centipede instead of Elevator Action because, lets call it like it is, Centipede sucked.  That stupid ball to aim…what was THAT?

Elevator Action was incredibly simple but was awfully addicting.  I dare you to look it up on the Interwebs these days.  Because you can.  And your productivity will suffer…

#8. Bad Dudes. 

How old is this game?  Son, you’re rescuing “President Ronnie”.  So that kind of dates it.  You got to take on some pretty awesome bosses (I think Karnov was in there, some guy who said a magic word and turned into 8 different guys, couple of Freddy Kreuger looking guys…)

I have to admit, this was, and remains, the only coin-op game I ever cleared.  That’s probably why it makes my list but I don’t really care.  If I had unlimited funds, was making my ultimate home bar and floor space wasn’t an issue…yeah, I’d pick this up.

#7.  Old School TMNT

Quick, who were you?  Did your circle of friends argue over who got to be Donatello because it was fun to throw somebody with your Bo Staff?  Or Rapheal, because he was fast?  Realistically, the Turtle with the Two swords (yes, of course I know who that was was, don't be rediculous) would do the most damage, but geez, he was sort of straight laced, wasn't he?  Michaelangelo was the purportedly cool one.   But there wasn't too much more reassuring than watching B-Bop and Rocksteady glowing that odd pink color when they started to run out of life.  Victory would soon be yours. I can still hear the machine make the odd noise followed by "Shell Shocked!" when you ran out of life.  Too bad.  Another quarter please!

#6.  Superbike

See, this is the experience you can’t get from a console!  Yeah, it takes up half a room, but you’re only going to be able to do this one at an arcade. And the bonus here was that you could a race a friend with an Orange Julius awarded to the winner.  

That’s a decent wager right there.

#5. Big Buck Hunter/Silver Strike Bowling/Golden Tee

Definitely worthy of a #5 spot. These guys are the only ones you can still consistently find in bars today and have somehow managed to escape the carnage of the home console revolution and still find themselves in bars all over, becoming a staple challenge for drunk guys everywhere.  That infernal ball on the Centipede game finally becomes useful as it can be enthusiastically spun and, unlike real bowling or golf, your accuracy doesn’t seem to suffer after a pitcher of beer.  No matter how much noise you make, the deer stay put.

These guys have managed to firmly insert themselves into bar entertainment and for that, they are certainly awarded a Top 5 spot.

And who doesn’t want to play a game like that?

#4. The Pacman Franchise 

Oh.  A little con-tra-verse-y?  Did I rank Pacman, arguably the most iconic of all the coin-op franchises, a little low at #4? 

Well, I could certainly entertain the argument that this should be in the top three.  It just wasn’t my favorite but I certainly can’t leave it off.  It’s a hell of a franchise, but I played it more on my laptop when medical school studies had pushed me over the edge…

#3. NBA Jam

Why does this rank above Pac Man?  Because it’s better.  Also because if I say “He’s on FIRE…” you should probably answer with “Boomshakala!” 

I am also told that this game is the highest earning coin-op game in history which I contributed to at the Kwik Shop that is on the corner of Lincoln Way and Sheldon (yes, my Iowa State friends, there used to be a Kwik Shop right across the street from that Taco Bell, and it used to have an NBA Jam game there). 

Actually, there used to be Zap Video Arcade on the second story of the building next to it.  Anyways, NBA Jam garners a top 3 spot and you should probably fear Malone/Stockton or Hardaway/Mullins.

#2. Operation Wolf

Don’t remember this one? Well, you should. Now I understand that Area 51 and House of the Dead were better first person shooters. There was that odd Aerosmith-based shooter called Revolution X wherein you used a machine gun that shot CDs and Steven Tyler kept screaming at you the whole time.

 Operation Wolf had an Uzi as a light gun that acted like the Nintendo Zapper but was way cooler. The Uzi actually simulated recoil and between that and your earth shattering grenade cache, there wasn’t anything that would stop you from rescuing all the hostages.

Well, maybe wouldn’t stop you. I never got past the jungle stage.  I blame this on a most aggregious misappropriation of defense budget funds by my parents, and Operation Wolf was entirely funded by my allowance which was woefully inadequate.

Quite frankly, somebody needed to vote for an allowance surge.

#1. Pole Position

It is unarguably the greatest coin-op video game of all time.  You got to drive a car.  At age 6.  And you were better at driving a car than all the grownups.  IT WAS THE PINNACLE OF YOUR CHILDHOOD.  Only two gears to worry about, (L and H...what could that stand for, I wonder) and all you had to do was step on the gas and steer.  And then go crush some Happy Joe's Pizza.

That makes for an awesome night.

[everybodygetawesome]

Top 10 Cereals

Do you know what's awesome?  Cereal.  Yes.  Cereal.  That staple of the AM has been fueling my days for as long as I can remember and BY GOD it's time to give it the place it deserves in the pantheon of hallowed Top 10s.  

Cereal is, like, the easiest meal to make.  All you have to do is get the ratio of milk to cereal correct.  With a little practice, it's not hard.  I know because I've been doing it since I was five.  Cereal works for breakfast (obvi), lunch, and dinner.  Dinner?  Of course dinner!  Haven't you ever wanted "brinner"?  Well son, if you've got cereal, you've got brinner right at your finger tips.  

I was pondering this Top 10 list about a year ago and brought it up to my friend Ike who accused me of putting too much explanation into such a topic.  Ike's contention was that if you have to explain WHY cereal belongs in the Top 10, then it DOESN'T.  

Well Ike, excessively arguing a point on the Internet is WHAT I DO.  And I know my cereal.  I've got, by my count, 34 years of cereal knowledge ready to drop.  I would consider myself a "cereal sommelier" of sorts.  So lets run through the creme de la creme, shall we?  

Because there's so much in the way of awesomeness here, I should start with...

The Best of the Rest

Strawberry Honey Comb - Haven't had it yet?  Well, it just hit the shelves.  It's a little early to tell if it'll crack the Top 10 someday, but it's pretty darn good.  You should check it out.

ProGrain - Does anybody else remember this?  It was this sort of honey flavored grain type cereal and I thought that I could be a pro Football player if I ate it.  Guess the marketing people did as they were told.  It came and went when I was in 3rd Grade.  I've never seen it again.

Cap'n Crunch Crunch Berries - I got the nickname Crunch Berry after Brady McDonald knocked me three ways from Sunday during football practice my sophomore year in high school.  He was a senior, so...guess I needed more ProGrain or something. But the name stuck.  I'd never had a peer-given nickname before and while it was firmly and wholly supplanted by the rugby team's nickname of Highbeams several years later (in reference to an apparent wide-eyed stare I make when I get excited).  And so I retain an affinity for the cereal because of it.  

Golden Grahams - Certainly a worthy choice in the Top 10...you could always convince parental types to go for it, it holds up well it milk, it's still good as a grown up.  Really not to shabby.  It just lacks a certain je ne sais quoi to crack my Top 10.

Wheaties - Okay, I admit it.  The cereal isn't, well, good.  Wheaties makes the Best of the Rest by presenting us with an Iconic-to-Popular-Culture box.  Walter Payton was on a Wheaties Box.  I slogged through untold bowls of Wheaties because of that.  

So they make the list.  So there.  Ike knows I'm right, deep down in his cold, dark heart.

Let's do this thing!  I did my best to find pictures of the old-school boxes because, you know...old school.  

Top 10 Cereals of All Time

#10. Nintendo Cereal

"Nin-Ten-Do, it's a cereal...NOW!  Nin-Ten-Do, it's a cereal...WOW!"

If this wasn't a great way to start out a Saturday Morning I don't know what was.  Nintendo Cereal employed a particularly brilliant double cereal concept where you could eat Zelda cereal from one side and Mario cereal from the other.  

4th grade mind = blown.

#9.  Cookie Crisp

You're eating cookies for breakfast, for God's sake.  If you didn't pour milk over them, you'd just be eating sugary puffs that were spotted to look like cookies, but didn't you feel daring and bold to eat cookies for breakfast?  Of course you did!  It was the most un-breakfasty thing you could possibly imagine and yet somehow you were doing it.  

Sweet...

#8.  Cracklin' Oat Bran

This is a grownup cereal.  A cereal for grownups.  For grownup days.  Because sometimes, when you're doing rounds at a hospital, staring at a day when you know Cookie Crisp isn't going remotely approach the staying power you need to get through the morning (and possibly the afternoon), you'd best bring The Lumber.  

Cracklin' Oat Bran is The Lumber.  It doesn't suck and, by the way there's a reason for this; have you ever actually looked at the calorie content?  You'd be better off with Nintendo's offering.  But it tastes like delicious oatmeal cookies.  And it'll get you through the day sans hunger pangs at 11:45am.

#7.  Rice Krispie Treats Cereal

This was the way I started many a morning at the University of Northern Iowa.  Once I moved off campus and got to choose my own cereal (not that the resident halls didn't have quite the selection of Malt-o-Meal), I opted for Rice Krispie Treats. 

'Cause, you know, health and stuff.

I dunno why they stopped making this.  It's way better than the gluten free tissue Krispies they put out normally that wilt in milk faster than a linen suit in an Iowan July.

(that's totally an expression, by the way)

Well, they should make it again. They brought back French Toast Crunch, why can't they bring back this one?

#6.  Frosted Flakes

Well, you know, sometimes simplicity can't really over looked.  The Eldest Member of the Top 10 can't be ignored because, well, it's a go-to cereal you know you'll never be disappointed in.  From Elementary School to Dormatory Dining Centers to Free Hotel Continental Breakfasts, Frosted Flakes stand the test of time.  You can always count on them to be delicious.

Sorry.  Great.  They're actually great.  

#5.  The Monster Cereals

Yeah, I couldn't pick one.  So the hell what?  I would have said Frankenberry was my favorite as a kid, but now, maybe BooBerry though I learned in my marketing classes (following some Rice Krispie Treats Cereal) that apparently consumers have a fear of blue foods.  Who knew?

There were some weird Mummy and Werewolf cereals...whatever.  Everybody knows that the Big 3 are Count Chocula, Frankenberry, and BooBerry.  When they show up at the ends of grocery aisles around Halloween...that makes me happy.  There are other Marshmallow Based cereals out there, Lucky Charms being the obvious one you think of but it's a verifiable fact that the cereal part of Lucky Charms Cereal is crap.  

By the way, Count Chocula isn't the best chocolate based cereal out there...that honor goes to...

#4.  CocoPebbles. 

There's one major factor that goes into which chocolate cereal reigns supreme above all others.  That is how the milk tastes in the bowl afterwards.  This is undesputedly won by CocoPebbles.  

Winner winner, chocolate Brinner.  

#3.  Raisin Nut Bran

This is how I start my mornings out now.  Almost everyday.  

Apparently I'm supposed to be healthy now.  Have to watch my FIBER intake.  Have to get more WHOLE GRAINS.  

The very first time I had an inkling I might be growing up was when I was grocery shopping for myself up in Cedar Falls, Iowa which, in itself, would indicate that one was growing up.  I had been eating a steady diet of Rice Krispie Treats Cereal for the better part of the semester and suddenly had no desire to eat anything sugary.  I saw Raisin Nut Bran sitting next to the #1 cereal on this list and chose the former, not because I was worried about Fiber or Whole Grains then.

It actually looked better.  Total grownup move.  Boo.  

Well, whatever.  It is good.  

#2.  Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

"Can I have Lucky Charms?"  "No." "What about Nintendo?"  "No." "What about Count Chocula?"  "Don't be rediculous.  Of course not." "Mooooooom...."  "You know the rules."

"What about Cinnamon Toast Crunch?  It's toast!  It's a Breakfast food!"

"Fine, whatever."

Success!  Never mind that, from a sugar content perspective, Cinnamon Toast Crunch essentially had the same amount as Calvin's Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs.  The innocuous title of "Cinnamon Toast" got it past Mom's eye test and into the shopping cart.  Even if you didn't ask, slipped it in the cart and mom found it at the checkout aisle, it was highly unlikely she'd make you take Cinnamon Toast Crunch back.

And it is delicious.  Comfort food?  Check.  Sugar high?  Check.  Technically a kid's cereal, resulting in a toy at the bottom?  Check.  Super awesome residual milk flavor? Check.

Part of this complete breakfast?  No DOUBT.  

#1.  Reese's Puffs

The cereal I scorned for #3 up there...just once.  No longer.  I'm a grown up now and I can eat whatever cereal I want AND IF I WANT AN UNHEALTHY SUGARY CEREAL BY GOD I WILL BUY IT RIGHT NOW! That's right!  I will defy my mother's edicts of no sugary cereal!  DO YOU SEE KIX ON THIS LIST?  HELL NO!  Don't trifle me with cereals based on cookies!  I've moved on!  My inner child's irresponsibility can't be quelled by mere cookies anymore!  Don't hand me Waffle Crisp or Cap'n Crunch's Donuts and think I'm going to feel liberated...THOSE ARE STILL BREAKFAST PRODUCTS.

Breakfast Blasphamy to ply me with purported delicacy such as Kellogg's Crave, "Frosted" MiniWheats, Rocky Mountain Chocolate Company.  Pffft.  Whatever.  Weak efforts at best.  

What do I want for my number 1 cereal of all time?  I want a cereal BASED ON A CANDY BAR.  And so I shall have one.  Whenever I damn well please.  

Because I'm a grownup now.  

[everybodygetawesome]

Top 10 Awesome TV Anti-Heroes

Do you know what's awesome?  A great anti-hero in television.  You know what an anti-hero is...a protagonist who does all sorts of stuff they probably shouldn't do but need to get the job done.  

We are actually in a golden age of Television Anti-Heroes at the moment.  The days of Ward and June Cleaver are loooong gone.  Now our favorite TV characters run criminal empires, defy the law with impunity, and generally make all sorts of mischief.  I suppose it's a little bit of a depressing comment on society that some of our most popular pop-culture Icons are Good Bad Guys but they just keep entertaining the hell out of you and me.  Wanna run through 10 of the greats?  I do!

Hey...major SPOILER ALERT.  I did my very best not to ruin anything for anybody, but I will tell you that #2 has a few pretty big spoilers in it.  Just don't read the write up if you don't want to know the plot of the show.  You've been warned.  

Honestly, the rest of the write-ups really should be vague enough to where it's a teaser, not a spoiler.  I hope.  Nobody hates spoilers more than me so, honestly, I tried pretty hard not to ruin anything.  Lets do a...

Best of the Rest

Raymond Reddington - The Black List

I heard he's pretty darn good.  I don't watch the show.  Sorry Red.  I assume because it's on NBC, it's going to be a bit too tame.  Maybe that makes me ignorant.  But I heard you do a hell of a job.

Vic Mackey - The Shield

Another one I heard was awfully good, but never watched the show.  Vic, I heard you did a hell of a job as well.  But this was before DVR was invented so...

JR Ewing - Dallas

I just wanted to reference Dallas here.  Old School!  JR missed the cut because he swung a little too much villain and not enough hero.  But arguably the greatest cliffhanger in television history is probably worth mentioning.

Jessica Lange - American Horror Story

See, you can't really pick one.  Whether or not she was Elsa Mars, Fiona Goode, or Sister Jude, she was only there for one season.  Can't get on a list like that...

Let's do this thing!

Top 10 Television Anti-Heroes!

#10.  Don Draper - "Mad Men"

So, yeah.  You want to be Don Draper.  I want to be Don Draper.  Who doesn't want to wear suits all the time and have full time access to an open bar and have 4 martini lunches.  Who doesn't want to look THAT COOL while ordering an Old Fashioned.  

The problem is, he's a jerk.  He's constantly having extra marital affairs and generally being morally depraved. He's not exactly forthright about who he really is, but the thing is at this point, who the hell cares because Don can whip up an ad campaign better than anybody...so why won't he just be honest with everybody?  

But you love Don.  You genuinely want Don to do better.  You root for Don.  Don probably would have risen higher on this list if he were...badder.  He's an anti-hero by definition, but a weak anti-hero at best.  Hence, just making the cut at #10.

#9.  Philip and Elizabeth Jennings - "The Americans"

So they're Soviet Spies.  What could be worse than that?  They're constantly killing people, so that's not very nice.  

But you're on their side.  Of course you are...they're the protagonists of the whole show!  And it was very clever of the writers to portray them as a couple wasn't it?...instead of one person having an internal struggle about the things they have to do, they argue as a couple about it.  And it's not like Phil and Elizabeth don't have some moral qualms about the things they are being forced to do.  And it's not like Phil wasn't excited when he bought his Camaro.  A white one.  Like the one I used to own.  The Crap-maro.  Major mistake on Phil's part.  I could have told him that.

I digress.  They haven't been around long enough to rise above #9.  Only two seasons...they are fun to watch.

By the way, the opening credits to "The Americans" are phenomenal...

#8. Dr. Christian Troy - "Nip/Tuck"

Of course he's an anti-hero!  He cheats, he lies, he steals, he performs cosmetic surgery on people to get them into bed!  But aren't you a little SAD for Christian when it doesn't work out?  He's not really a bad guy, is he?  He had troubles with his childhood and made something of himself.

But then you consider all his shenanigans.  What he made himself into is an egomanical surgeon who treats women as disposable objects who doesn't just get into bed with half of Miami, he gets into bed with a drug lord, a couple of very questionable medical partners, and then the other half of Miami.  

But aren't you a little SAD for him when it doesn't work out?

#7.  Jaxson Teller - "Sons of Anarchy"

What a tortured young man he is.  Trying to move his club in the right direction.  And if you have to shoot a few people along the way, really, where's the harm in that?  It's all about the club.  

Jax is no bull-in-a-china shop...when he needs to get something done, he doesn't do it stupidly.  It's a shame, really, he has such a conscious because imagine the havoc he could cause if he didn't.  

Well...maybe...

Now you might be thinking this is pretty low.  You might be wondering why I've snubbed Jax a little bit.  3 reasons:

1.  He doesn't see stuff coming that a criminal mastermind should see coming. When somebody tells you to make sure every member of your entire organization needs to be all in one place at one time, that should raise some red flags.

2.  He is WAY too trusting for a criminal mastermind.  C'mon Jax.  Get it together.

3.  My wife finds him a little too good looking.  

Because of this, Jax is displaced a few spots.

#6.  Gregory House - "House"

If you're wondering, no, most of the time people don't come into the office with some random, rare, eponomously named metabolic disorder that takes a medical genius to diagnose.

Most of the time it's just constipation.

But getting back to whether or not Dr. House is an anti-hero...of course he is.  He's mean!  He's a genuine bastard to everybody he meets and he's an addict, by the way, which doesn't make him a bad person, it just makes him do bad things occationally.   Don't you think, though, that he's kind of justified though, talking the way?  I mean, just a bit?  People are so stupid sometimes, don't you just think they need to be talked to?  Just a bit?   I mean, you're smart, right?  You know exactly everything about the scenario in question and this person JUST. ISN'T. GETTING IT.  Aren't you just a bit justified in employing a healthy dose of sarcasm and condescention in dealing with this person who is just KILLING YOU RIGHT NOW?  

Of course you are.  Just like Dr. House.

#5.  Piper Kerman - "Orange is the New Black"

It wasn't her fault, was it?  I mean, the drug running was 10 freaking years ago and it wasn't even her idea, right?  Stupid Alex brought all this terribleness down on Piper and she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time... A little high then?  

Of course not!  She was still running drugs and it's not as if she's entirely innocent once she GETS to jail (as some meth addicts will tell you). She's not entirely as nice as she should be to her fiance. Plus she's not really copping to the truth when asked, so...

But she does swing a little too close to the loveable side.  Piper would otherwise not have risen this high were it not for one other major factor...her story, unlike all the others on the list, isn't made up.

#4.  Dexter Morgan - "Dexter" 

Aha.  The serial killer you always wanted to know.  The serial killer with a conscious.  The serial killer who makes the world a better place, right?  

Dexter Morgan is the law man you always wanted isn't he?  He doesn't cost money and he doesn't make mistakes.  His ability to deal with a bad guy quickly and effectively is second to none.  Wouldn't it be great if he was your friend?  Wouldn't it be great if you could unleash your pal Dexter on somebody who really DESERVED his table?  

I mean, yeah, due process and everything blah blah blah whatever.  You make an omelet, you have to murder a few criminals.  Dexter Morgan also, by the way, had to clash with the better villains than anybody else on this list...the Ice Truck Killer, the Doomsday Killer and Ohhh Trinity...how good were you?  

All were good.  All were bested by the Bay Harbor Butcher.

#3.  Francis Underwood - "House of Cards"

I was thinking, quite seriously, that the gap between #s 1 and 2, and #'s 3-10 was so drastically wide that this list was almost not even worth writing.   This is not so. Frank Underwood is KILLING IT as an antihero.  Oh my goodness do I love Frank as a hero/villain.  I love it when he talks to me in his monologues because I know he's talking just to me.  He's speaking to me because he's going to tell me what nefariously awesome plans he's up to next.  Interestingly, Kevin Spacey noted that Ferris Bueller wasn't the first person to employ this technique of letting me into his wicked little world, it was William Shakespeare in "King Lear" actually.  

And in Deep Dark Places I Don't Like to Talk About At Parties, I WANT Frank to get away with it.  I NEED Frank to get away with it.  (movie reference?  Anybody?) Frank's Antihero talents don't lie in his own deeds, they lie in the deeds he gets people to do for him.  Is there a better Puppetmaster out there?  Probably not.  But it's not as if Frank can't sort out problems himself...when it's time to get his hands dirty, Frank has no problem with that.  

Because he knows exactly where to find the best soap.

Also ribs.  Frank knows where to get ribs.    

#2.  Tony Soprano - "The Sopranos"

When I give you number two, you should pretty much figure out who #1 is.  We'll talk about why Tony lost his top spot to the man who knocks a bit lower.

Our friend Tony ruled the late 90's and early 2000's with an Iron Fist.  He cheated, lied, manipulated, strong armed, intimidated, beat up, killed, and was a general bastard from an "issue of an outstanding loan" in the first episode to a plate of onion rings in the last.  

And you were with him and pulling for him every step of the way.  

You didn't want Adriana to rat.  You shook your head sadly.  But she had it coming, didn't she?  She was going to RAT, you told yourself, and that's why she had to make that trip to the hospital/woods.  Sometimes, you told yourself, you need to take a business associate to check out a new Sea-Ray because he was dealing H and that can't blow back on you, can it?  Hey, it might have been reckless to send your kid out drinking with potential new college friends while you worked out a few bygones, but the ends justify the means, right?

You found yourself adhering to Omerta because you didn't want Tony to get caught.  It's okay.  You can't let these things weigh you down.  That's why you have a good therapist from another part of The Boot, right?

#1.  Walter White - "Breaking Bad"

I didn't think ANYBODY was gonna knock off the man who runs North Jersey but as it turns out, Walt isn't interested in the #1-of-a-Top-10-list business.  He's in the Empire Business.  He's in the Kiss-the-Cook business.  He's in the Baby Blue Business.  Dude's got 99 problems and one rares it's ugly head, he Calls Saul.  Like a BOSS.  

Walter White is the greatest anti-hero in the history of TV because he inserted himself into the role.  He wasn't born into the Life like Tony, Dexter, or Jax, he wasn't coerced into it like Piper, and he is helping nobody (unlike Drs House and Troy).  He didn't luck into a false identity like Don, he INVENTED one and put on a black hat to go with it.  

He figured out what he does best and turned, Hyrule Dark-World style (video game reference, anybody?) into a twisted and corrupt version of himself. If what made you great also made you terrible, would you take advantage of it to take care of your family irrespective of the cost?  

Would you?   Say his name.  Pay respect to the #1 Television Anti-Hero of All Time.  

[everybodygetawesome]

Top 10 Receptions!

Do you know what’s awesome?  A catch everybody remembers.  An iconic bit of athleticism that lives through the annals of sports lore as the single most amazing thing you saw in the history of your life.  Something you saw that you can tell people about that gets more amazing as the years pass.

Of course this list was inspired by the absolutely sick TD grab Odell Beckham made on MNF a few days ago which was from a strict WOW factor, easily one of the best ever.  

But, in my humble opinion, there's some other things that go into a catch that makes it iconic.  Strict skill will be valued but so will the gravity of the moment, as well as how "memorable" it was.  This in an incredibly subjective set of criteria and I'm sure everybody will disagree, but that's kind of fun, so let's go through 10 of them and see if I can offend some people...

Today, the Best of the Rest includes non-football catches because, hey, there's other sports out there too...

Willie Mays' Over the Shoulder Catch

While it's been somewhat duplicated, everybody's seen this one and it takes you back to when baseball was King and nobody would have considered doing a Top 10 Football catches list.

Kirby Puckett Wins Game 6 For the Twins

Ole Kirby was winning that night...he saved the the game with this gem then won the game with a dinger in extras that sent it to game 7.  Don't worry, Kirby, wherever you are now.  I didn't forget.

Bo Runs up a Wall

It was just so...effortless.  Dude was free-running before it was even a thing.  The catch itself was pretty hard, but then he decided to run up a wall like a giant, powder-blue ninja.  

Hell, I'm no good at baseball.  Add more if you like because I'm sure there are waaaaaay more to add.  Let's do this thing, NFL style.

Top 10 Receptions of All-Time (according to Jon)

#10.  The Original Hail Mary

This one makes the list pretty much because it inspired the concept of the Hail Mary.  Let's be clear here...I hate the Vikings.  But because I am nothing if I am not objective, let's be clearER.  Drew Pearson pushed off and honestly probably should have been called for offensive pass interference.  

Hey, look, I get it...it's not the most spectacular of plays.  But after that one, even down by 5 with 0:03 left on your own 45 yard line...after Staubach to Pearson...you still have hope.

And that's worth the #10 Spot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7uS0ezb2o4

#9.  The Ghost to the Post

I will admit that this admission may have been swayed by the fact that "Ghost to the Post" is one of the greater nicknames for a play that has ever existed.  Yeah, well, whatever.  Casper looks very Willie Mays-esque here and if Willie's in the Best of the Rest, I probably ought to put the pigskin counterpart on the list.  

http://www.raiders.com/news/article-1/Ghost-to-the-Post/1782a871-a908-4416-a4eb-09299ddb2ef1 

#8.  Tom Brady Can't Choose

Yeah, so I copped out and put two in one spot.  I couldn't decide but neither could the guy who threw them, so I'm absolved.  Gronkowski (which is arguably the best Tight-End Name of all time...it would only be better if his parents had the foresight to name him Bull) and Moss take the 9 spot for these two gems.

Gronk had to pirouette around and Moss was outdueling the best corner in the game in the last 15 years.  Since Brady was rather befuddled as to which was better, I am justifiably befuddled myself...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rF91wi_jnb4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLq3SWnhgUE

#7.  Lynn Swann's Iconic Moment

I love NFL Films.  NFL Films was the first institution to blend artistry to the camera work, story-telling to the narrative, and - in doing so - captured the attention of a baseball-obsessed nation.  Football's meteoric rise in popularity is directly linked to Ed and Steve Sabol's efforts, both of whom have unfortunately passed away...Father and Son's vision of how the NFL could be shown to America was groundbreaking.

NFL Films got one of their most iconic highlights in Superbowl X and Lynn Swann (Baryshinokov in Cleats as John "The Voice of God" Facenda told us), when Lynn Swann hauled in this Terry Bradshaw Bomb.  While the reception it's self was impressive, it probably wasn't as impressive athletically as Odell Beckham, improbable as the Hail Mary, or Earth Shatteringly important for the game as others, this is true.  But the image and the highlight has lived forever.  

http://www.nfl.com/videos/nfl-videos/0ap2000000146990/Lynn-Swann-s-leap

#6.  Antonio Freeman Did What?

Oh, he ended up catching that ball up there.  How I don't know, but he did.  

This ended up winning the game for the Packers (who I hate almost as much as the Vikings.  

But I am nothing if I am not objective!  Go ahead, Packers.  Take your #6 Spot.  

http://www.packers.com/media-center/videos/Freemans-Monday-night-miracle/f7174567-13ed-4d71-a06f-fbc24b03be53

#5.  Odell Beckham Breaks the Internet

Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Crosbie, what the hell?!?

The most redonkulous, sickest, most athletic catch you've ever seen and you've got it at #5?!?  

Okay, it was the most redonkulous, sickest catch I think I ever saw.  I'll grant you that.  From a strict skill stand point, I can't think of one finer.  

But it was a regular season game that Giants ended up losing.  And that's why it's #5.  

It did make you gasp though...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Hn7ur1f30g

#4.  The Immaculate Reception

Crosbie, Crosbie, Crosbie.  

Where in THE HELL...do you get off...putting the Immaculate Reception *arguably the most famous play in the history of the NFL* at NUMBER 4?!?  

Seriously.  How is that EVEN POSSIBLE?

Lemme ask you this:  Do you have an image of Franco Harris actually catching the ball?  

No, you do not.  

Lemme ask you another question:  Do you have proof that Frenchy Fuqua (number 33 up there) didn't contact the ball which, under the rules, would have made the play illegal?

No, you do not.

Is it possible that the Immaculate Reception was actually an Immaculate Deception as all Oakland Raiders claim it is?

Yes.  It is possible.  

But the finest name and most famous play deserves a pretty high spot on a list like this.  And so it gets one.  And I manage to offend both the Steeler nation who claim this should be #1, and the Raider Nation, who claim this shouldn't exist.

Oh well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMuUBZ_DAeM

#3.  The Catch

Well, I mean, it's a list of Top 10 Catches so THE Catch is going to be on it.  Dwight Clark and Joe Montana ended the reign of success that the Cowboys had in the 70's and plunged them into a rather deep pool of despair in the 80's.  

And the 49ers?  Well...you may know them as the team of the 80's, a dynasty of West Coast supremacy that resulted in four Superbowls and some would argue, the finest NFL teams that ever existed.  This catch sent them to their first Superbowl and the rest, as they say, is history.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAjvGFO3Ruc

#2.  Santonio Holmes

People are all talking about people's hands.  Check out Holmes' feet.  The lightest of double taps managed to alight in the end zone and by God if it didn't win a Superbowl.  Pittsburgh/Arizona was, incidentally, my number one most entertaining Superbowl of All-Time - that game was awesome.  

I was pulling for Arizona that day but have to admit that it was a really spectacular play and very much deserving of a #2 spot.

http://www.nfl.com/news/story/09000d5d82af1120/article/santonio-holmes-says-his-super-bowl-xliii-catch-best

#1.  David Tyree's Helmet Catch

Why is this better than Odell Beckham's catch?  

Several (obvious) reasons.

#1.  LOOK at Rodney Harrison.  He is practically mugging Tyree, who somehow kept the ball locked on his helmet and didn't let it move when he hit the ground.  Skill wise, this took some.

#2.  This kept the Giants in the game which happened to be the Superbowl.  In which they won.  Knocking off the then-undefeated Patriots.

Now, for the record, I don't think this was nearly the upset that everybody thought that it was at the time.  The Pats had been nearly knocked off earlier in the season by a Ravens team that played a very similar style to the Giants that year so I was sort of irritated that everybody kept calling this the most amazing upset of all time in the NFL (it wasn't, that would be Superbowl III, don't argue, I'm right).

Through 3 quarters, that game wasn't all that great but the 4th quarter was something for the ages.  Manning and Tyree won't ever be forgotten for this one - Manning looked like he was dead-to-rights early in the play and how Tyree managed to come down with it, who knows.

But he did.  And the Giants won a championship.  

And that's how you get to be #1 on my list.  

[everybodygetawesome]

Top 10 Pieces of Farm Equipment

Do you know what's awesome?  Farm equipment.  Do you know what else is awesome?  Eating.  Do you know who makes that possible?  Farmers.  Do you know what helps them out?  Farm equipment.

Full disclosure.  I really don't know too much about any of this stuff.  I am going strictly on my own operation of said equipment and childhood experience based on dangerously climbing around farm equipment at my Grandma and Grandpa's place in a corner of Iowa somewhere in between Paullina and Primghar.

I will be accused by people who use this equipment on a regular basis of the inclusion of either too much Red or too much Green.  In the interest of more disclosure, in Case vs John Deere debates which seem to resemble Coke vs Pepsi arguments, I usually opt for Dr Pepper; my favorite color was the yellow on my Grandpa's Minneapolis-Molines.  Also because Minny is a good name for a tractor.  

Hopefully any farmers who read this won't find any blatant omissions or issues.  Hopefully anybody else who reads it just likes it.

No "Best of the Rest" today, this one had to get to the internet in time for the World Food Prize symposium so, in honor of the World Food Prize, lets talk about some stuff that helps make food:

Jon's Top 10 Pieces of Farm Equipment!

10.  The Manure Spreader

The mechanics, operation, and general principles here shouldn't be overly hard to grasp.

Oh, is this a sign of somebody beneath you?  Somebody who uses a manure spreader being some backwards toothless hayseed?  Well guess what...the same people who use these also figured out that New York Hipsters will pay 5 dollars for an organic turnip because it's labeled "organic".

I hope that this point, many of my friends are smiling rather smugly.  

Farmers with manure spreaders don't just weave straw into gold, they weave poo into gold which, business-wise, pretty much beats the hell out of anything Wall Street is peddling.

Pay attention because this is the most important thing anybody has told you all day - when you spread manure, wear a hat.  

9.  The Welder

My grandpa used to sell these.  Alot of these.  And he knew how to weld anything.  He tried to teach me one summer and I successfully welded two pieces of scrap iron together and then went to bed terrified that I would wake up blind because I had accidentally looked at the arc for roughly one quarter of a second and he told me that I would go blind if I welded without a mask.

Grandpa could fix anything on his farm with this piece of equipment. Farmers all over the place can fix anything with this piece of equipment. 

By the way, I did not wake up blind.

8.  The Skid Loader

  What can you do with a skid loader?  What CAN'T you do with a skid loader?  You can lift bales and move earth, you can lift logs and pull stumps.  You can load skids.  You can skid loads.

My dad's solution to pretty much anything is the use of a skid loader.  He finally taught me how to operate one just this year. I have learned that there are very few things in this world a skid loader cannot improve upon. 

It is fun...

7.  The Lely Astronaut

Wait...huh?

What the hell is that and why is it called an Astronaut?

I'll be honest, I never would have known about this if it wasn't for my wife, who did social media marketing for Lely (by the way, Farmers use social media alot).  I told my Grandpa about this machine and he couldn't even hardly believe such a thing existed.

This is a robotic cow-milking machine.

So, do you know any dairy farmers?  Do you know the amount of effort those people put in?  It used to be (and still is for a lot of them) that dairy farmers had to milk twice daily (5am and 5pm), 7 days a week, 365, with no breaks and no vacations.  

Think about that.  Appreciate it if you enjoy cheese.  Do you enjoy cheese?  It looks like it...

Lely is a Dutch company that invented a machine that the cow walks into, and lasers look up at the udder and, while the cow is distracted with cow treats or whatever, the milker mechanism goes up, milks the cow, and the cow goes on her way.  All automated.  

This is letting Dairy Farmers have a life.  They get to go on vacations and to their kids' baseball games and get some frigging sleep when they're sick.  So that's pretty awesome.  Awesome enough to make #7 on my list.

6.  The Cat

I honestly am not sure why Grandpa had one of these but Grandpa had two or three of everything else, so he might as well have had one of these too(it wasn't the one pictured up there, but it was close).  He actually even had a very cool mini-Cat.  He had property with a gravel pit on it, so that might have been why.

This makes my #6 spot for two reasons.  

#1.  Because you can play on it and pretend you are driving a tank.

#2.  Because of an incident that happened involving my father and my grandfather.  

We have all had that incredibly aggravating moment that makes us question the entire foundation of our competence wherein we have been trying to start a piece of equipment (chainsaw, weed eater, whatever) for the past 15 minutes with no success, until our father shows up and with one pull, starts it and shoots us a very irritated glance indicating we have have altered his entire plan for the day.

Dad borrowed Grandpa's Cat for something and hauled it down to his place.  I watched Dad try and start it for 1/2 a day before he finally gave up and called Grandpa.  Grandpa drove down from a corner of Iowa, somewhere between Paullina and Primghar, to assess the problem.  Dad gave an explanation, glaring at the uncooperative Cat the whole time.  

Grandpa climbed up, gave it one crank, and the Cat started.

I have never been so happy in my life.  

5.  The Farm Truck

Well, obviously.  

Hey, when did you first drive?  Was it on a gravel road?  In a farm truck?  On somebody's lap because you were in 3rd grade?  

No?  

Well son, you did it WRONG.  

The only proper way to learn to drive is in a farm truck, on a gravel road, (by the way, it's a road, not a street), with little to no worry that you will damage anything worth more than $50.  If you don't know anything about farm trucks, actually this blog post is really quite an accurate synopsis: http://ahnnaonaboutanything.wordpress.com/2013/05/19/you-might-drive-a-farm-vehicle-if/

4.  The Square Hay Baler

I submit to you that there is no greater shoulder workout than square baling hay in a hot barn in the middle of an Iowan July.  Incidentally, God help you if somebody rakes some poison ivy into the hay on the edge of the field.   For those uneducated, what you do is hook the baler behind a tractor and then hook the hayrack behind the baler.  You stand on the rack, wait for the bales to come out, stack them high and tight and hurry back for the next one to pop out.  Because that's the way we did it when I was a boy.

If you bale for your neighbor, this is generally a rather pleasant experience, almost leisurely with the sweet smell of hay filling your nose and the sun shining on your face.

If you are conscripted to bale by your father, this experience is entirely different.  It is a nearly impossible feat of stacking, pulling, balancing, and cursing carried out at a break-neck pace around the hayfield because "that's the way we did it when I was a boy" that would make any crossfitter throw up inside of 5 minutes.  

This may or may not culminate in you, standing on a 1 foot by 1 foot square piece of hayrack, trying desperately to throw bales on your once perfectly stacked rack, neatness and tidyness now long discarded, glancing up at your father who is driving the tractor and who is laughing his ass off. And someday, I'll do the same thing to any kids I might have.  Because that's the way we did it when I was a boy.

3.  The Harvester Combine.

This most majestic of all the farm equipment allows our nation's farmers to get grain in a bin faster than you could ever have imagined 150 years ago.  Seriously, the Combine is one of the most labor saving inventions in the history of humanity.  

In fact, this machine does many of the things found in expressions that you may have used and didn't realize.

"You reap what you sow".

The Combine is a Reaper, that is, something that cuts and gathers crops.  Maybe you thought a reaper was either A. Vampires from the second Blade movie, B. A skeleton with a scythe or C. Something you shouldn't fear.  Well, now you know, if you didn't.

"Separate the wheat from the chaff"

Once cut, the grain has to threshed and winnowed, that is to separate the grain from the husks and straws.  This is also something a combine does.   The expression, of course means to separate something useful from something not.  We used to use the wind, now we have combines.

Nowadays, these machines have air-conditioned cabs, use GPS technology, made expressions obsolete, and can run you over $500,000.  So, your fancy Bugati seems fairly pedestrian now, doesn't it?  

2.  The Tractor

This image was the closest one that I could find on the internet that matched the picture I have in my head of Grandpa's which was my favorite.

The most versatile piece of farm equipment out there also is the one that people most closely associate with farmers...you see somebody on a tractor, you likely assume they are a farmer.

Tractors are small:

or Tractors are big:

Tractors are old:

or Tractors are new:

You can take them anywhere:

And you can do just about anything:

The only way you're getting this out...is with another tractor...

Shoot, you can even turn a tractor's main job (pulling something) into a spectacle:

To many farmers, tractors aren't just a piece of equipment, they are piece of their lives.  My dad's family (both the brothers and the sisters) all can remember, with vivid accuracy and detail these most integral parts of their childhood.

I would go up for one week during the summer to Grandma and Grandpa's place and ride soybeans.  Grandpa paid me $80 one year, and I thought it was pretty much all the money in the entire world.  I can remember the faded pink of the Allis-Chalmers (pink is what the Allis-Chalmers orange fades to when it's seen decades in the Iowa sun), the very friendly smell of diesel fuel and axle grease, and the way the stack cap popped up and down as we headed down a gravel road, in a corner of Iowa somewhere between Paullina and Primghar.  

It might sound simple and plain, but tractors mean something very special to a lot of people who help feed you.  

And they are a hell of a lot of fun to drive...

1.  The John Deere Plow

In 1837, John Deere managed to change agriculture forever.  He was a blacksmith and used a broken steel saw blade to invent a new type of plow that worked better than the cast iron plows at the time.  It cut through the prairie sod better and the dirt didn't stick to the plow it's self.  It made farming easier and we grew more food.  

We carved up the prairie and grew more food than humanity has ever seen.

Has farming always been perfect?  No...

Is a bunch of our precious top soil currently resting at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico?  Uhhh...

Do we need to feed the world?  

Yeah.  Kinda.  I think we do, and watching my Grandpa for the years he was alive leads me to believe that it's quite hard.  And if you can do it better, by all means, give it a crack...I bet you a case of beer you'll need some of the stuff you read about above.

[everybodygetawesome]

Top 10 Comfort Foods

Do you know what's awesome?  Food that makes you feel comfortable.  Food that makes you happy when you eat it.  Food that makes the common cold go away.  As we enter cold and flu season, your very most helpful Dr. Crosbie is running through 10 foods that should cure all that ails you...it's kind of a short one today, but what the hell.  

10.  Cinnamon Toast.

Get your self some bread.  The better, well, the better.  Toast that up, slap some butter on it and garnish (read, layer) with cinnamon and sugar.  It's easy to do and it makes you happy.  Hit it up with some hot chocolate just like in the picture up there.  Doesn't get much better than that, but we'll try with 9 others...

9.  Macaroni and Cheese

It is entirely up to you as to whether or not you feel the need to use the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese out of the box, or if you are going to get the classier Velveeta Shells and Cheese.  

Or, if you live in Des Moines, do you need some Jethro's Mac and Cheese?  A good choice, sir.  Maybe you even know somebody who will come make you the truly homemade mac and cheese with that crunchy stuff on the top.

Either way, soft pasta surrounded by cheesy goodness makes you happy when you eat it.

8.  Nutella, Straight Out of the Jar

Bro.  I'm not judging.  If you're sick, do what makes you happy.  This will make you happy.  Almost guarenteed it will make you happy.  Unless you have a hazelnut allergy.  In which case it might put you in the ER.  

Well, let's ignore that and focus on the joy of eating Nutella straight out of the jar.

I already feel better.

7.  Waffles

Does having waffles for dinner make you feel better?  Of course it does.  Don't argue.  I'm talking about old-school waffles...the waffles that came off your mom's waffle iron - the sort of rectangle-with-rounded-corner waffles.  Not the round, flippy waffle you can get at every single Hampton Inn in America.  

You could make yourself a waffle sandwich if you were so inclined.  Might even break out some of that Nutella up at #8.  If your stomach's up to it, feel free to break out some whipped cream and fruit on top of your waffle.

The Waffle.  Brinner isn't brinner without a waffle.  If you don't know what brinner is, you need more comfort in your life.

6.  Tater Tot Casserole

Mmmmm.  Not sure why Tater Tots fall into the heading of comfort food but french fries do not, but you can't argue with science.  Tater Tots on top of ground beef, cheese soup, mushroom soup, and shredded cheese?  Well that right there just screams for a cold, wintery night.

5.  Chicken Noodle Soup

Whoa...Crosbie.  Are you underrating Chicken Noodle Soup rather massively?  Yeah, I might be, but Chicken Noodle Soup got it's own book line so I think we're good.

Hey, did you know that the electrolyte composition of Chicken Noodle Soup is just about right to replenish fluids after diarrhea?  I'm not making this up.  It's a fact.

4.  Shepherd's Pie

Now you might be saying to yourself, Crosbie, didn't you already cover this with the Tater Tot Casserole?  

I could see why you'd think that.  On the surface, it appears to be a delicious foot mashup, covered in potatoes and then baked.  The difference is that Shepherd's pie has gravy and vegetables in it and is marginally more healthy.  It also tastes entirely different and, if you're clever like me, you can incorporate Guinness into your recipe.  

And this is very comforting.  Hey, speaking of booze...

3.  The Hot Toddy

To date, this is the only sure fire way I know to cure a cold.  

Bourbon, a little water, some honey, some lemon.  Warm it up, drink it up, and feel better fast.  

2.  Warm Bread Fresh Out of the Oven With Butter

Did you know that people still bake their own bread?  Using yeast and everything.  When was the last time you pulled bread out of the oven (which, by the way, will make your house smell DELICIOUS) and sliced it right then and there and put a pat of butter on it that melted all over your bread?

When was the last time you did that?  Have you ever done that?  Well if you haven't, you're missing out in a major, major way.  It doesn't matter where you live...it makes whereever that is feel like home.  

1.  Tomato Soup and Cheese Sandwiches

I deem this to be the number 1 all time comfort food.  It narrowly edged out Warm Bread Fresh Out of the Oven With Butter because of the ease factor in which you can make Tomato Soup and Cheese Sandwiches.  I will grant you that bread takes some work.  When you're sick, it's not quite so great.  

Also, you can take your warm bread and MAKE cheese sandwiches out of it if you were so inclined.

Tomato Soup and Cheese Sandwiches...it works for little kids if you use the Kraft slices and Campbell's, it works for big kids if you use emmentalier and gouda, and a nice tomato bisque.  You can dip your cheese sandwich INTO your tomato soup.  And wrapped up in a blanket on a cold saturday afternoon...it straight up doesn't get better than this.

Fact.

[everybodygetawesome]

Top 10 Movie Montages!

Do you know what’s awesome?  A great montage in a movie.  And because I love movies and because I don’t think I’ve ever seen a list like this before…we’re gonna do this thing.

So what is a montage exactly?  Let us “go to the glasses”, as Tony Kornheiser would say, and look up a definition.  Here’s what Merriam-Webster has to say:

“Montage män-ˈtäzh, mōⁿ(n)-\ 1. the production of a rapid succession of images in a motion picture to illustrate an association of ideas.”

Therefore, by definition, the montage has to accurately portray the idea of something and, to make this list, the montage has to do it awesomely.  One thing that didn’t make it into Merriam-Webster’s definition was that it’s usually set to music and this represents a key element of awesomeness in the montage.  Already good music that was used appropriately was particularly valued in the making of this list but inappropriate use of a good song would get a montage banned quickly.  Sometimes the music takes a background, sometimes not.

Note that a montage is not a scene but that the lines can blur somewhat.  There may be some debate below over whether or not some are montages or scenes.  Technically, I suppose that that a montage should only include one song but I have included one in the Top 10 that may violate both of these rules…but more on that later.  Most should be fairly obvious. 

It should also be mentioned that movies about sports lend themselves to montages and, to be honest, a more encompassing list would probably be division of Sports vs non-sports, but I don’t feel like it, so there you go. 

Jon’s Top 10 Movie Montages

#10.  Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunn’s Shopping Spree – “Dumb and Dumber” – Music: “Pretty Woman” by Roy Orbison

Indeed, there are several seminal gross-out moments in "Dumb and Dumber".  There is the snot on Lloyd's face after a cross-country trip on a moped.  There is the epic dump Harry takes as a result of Lloyd's nefarious plot to undermine his friend.  There is, of course, the tongue stuck to the ski-lift.

Lest we not forget the montage.  We would be remiss if we did not mention Lloyd's toenails, nose hair, and Lloyd's prank on the barber giving him a shave.  Cinderella had to get ready for his ball and this made way for the introduction of Lloyd's orange tuxedo and a general spending spree that involved a delicious mix of opulance and ignorance. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlI9YEdoA3E

#9.  The Art Institute of Chicago – “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” – Music:  “Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want” covered by the Dream Factory

Obviously this is movie falls into the pop-culture Hall of Fame and of course this is the scene that starts with Ferris, Cameron, and Sloane going to the Art Institute of Chicago and ends with Cameron staring down a little girl in the painting.  This may not immediately stick in your head as a montage, but it uses all these images to convey several ideas, simple ones like how field trips felt when you were a kid, and more complex ones to the characters like Cameron’s sense of isolation and Sloane and Ferris’ romance.

One thing that sticks in my head is the first part when all the kids are walking through the museum holding hands, and I always liked that because it reminds me that that’s what you had to do in elementary school and I would have been about that age at the time the movie came out.

Aside from the scene being particularly good, it’s followed very closely by the Parade Scene which could have been classified as a montage in it’s own right, as it used many different images (the parade crowd, Ferris’ dad, the synchronized dancers coming over the steps, etc) to convey the image of fun.  I have to think that’s universally recognized as the most famous scene in the movie but, based on somewhat of a technicality, I chose the Art Institute Montage for the Top 10 List.

Either way, it’s a great movie and you should go watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubpRcZNJAnE

Oh, what the hell.  Here's the parade scene immediately following.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RaIjYvIayj0

#8.  Opening Credits - "The Boondock Saints" - Music:  "The Blood of Cuchulainn"

The opening credits of a very interesting movie about social justice starts out innocently enough, showing Boston at her very finest, showing the two brothers' loyalty, and even throws in a decent joke ("Perhaps it should have been 'rule of wrist'?").

The music is particularly nice and kind of makes you want to be Irish, in Boston, on Saint Patrick's Day, more than just about anything in the whole wide world.  

I thought the movie in general was pretty good and that the opening scene was a really great way to start it out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UuJViUafKQo

#7.  Aw geez.  Pick one from "Goodfellas" because I can't.

Maybe it's the steady-cam shot of the Copacabana with Ray Liotta and Lorraine Bracco walking through the restaurant, showing us the perks of being a mobster and demonstrating how to sweep a lady off her feet, even though everything you do is wildly illegal.  You do what you want.  You're a union delagate.

Maybe it's the steady-cam shot of all your mobster friends...Frankie Carbone, Pete the Killer, or Jimmy Two-Times who got that name because he says everything twice like "I'm gonna go get the papers, get the papers."

Maybe it's your meal in prison...don't put too much onions in the sauce.  Three small onions?  That's all?  Well, you need veal, beef, and pork.  Also scotch.

Maybe it's the Layla scene where the cracks in the lifestyle start to show through.  You know, getting whacked and stuff.

Maybe it's Henry's busy day, dropping off guns, cutting cocaine, making his baked ziti, and dodging police.  

Pick one, because I can't.  Here's a few:

Date night:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCYwcObxl78 

Character intros:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wf4EQWag2Aw  

Dinner in prison:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQhBfRDd6GM 

Layla scene:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Z6MJIjCJ20 

Ugg.  Can't find Henry's Busy Day.  And I still can't decide.

#6.  One Yard Short – “Friday Night Lights” – Music:  “Sonho Dorado” by Daniel Lanois

 Have you ever lost the last high school football game you'll ever play?  Well, this is a remarkably accurate depiction of how it feels.  

I thought "Friday Night Lights" was a very underrated movie.  It was really good acting and I didn't even that Tim McGraw was actually playing the part he did.  

The music is an outstanding choice and "Sonho Dorado" is on my all time, top 10 favorite songs list.  Friday Night Lights also had a more classically presented montage - the Thinning of the Heard set to ZZ Top's "Just Got Paid".  This almost made my list, but One Yard Short managed to capture the flat out dispair that you feel when a high school game is lost.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHJVJ_MEyQI

#5.  The Vegas Montage – “Rain Man” – Music: “Las Vegas/End Credits” by Hans Zimmer

If this montage doesn’t make you want to go to Las Vegas and gamble, probably nothing will.  It makes you want to go buy an awesome suit, drop $500 a hand on blackjack, and card count like a BOSS.  You want to hawk your Rolex (if you had one).  You want to be one of the few people in the world who can count into a six deck chute.  You KNOW that if only you could get to get to Vegas, the High Roller suite is in your imminent and unavoidable future.

Aside from the music being unassailably cool (Hans Zimmer has cranked out more good instrumental music for movies than anybody, except for maybe John Williams), the montage it’s self takes a break from the serious themes of the movie for Sin City.  It’s really a great montage because not only does it make Vegas seem glamorous and a guarantee for your hopes and dreams, there’s also a few images in there that show you the cracks in the dream – bored people sitting in slot machines, feeding money in with no return at all.

But no matter.  Charlie and Raymond come down the escalator dressed like a pair of smooth, card-counting pimps and their ultimate destination is Nick at the Blackjack Table who enjoys brilliant and menacing lighting by the director.  And the Babbitt Boys clean out the chip tray and do what we all wish we could do when we go to Las Vegas – win all the money you want, get comped for everything, beat the pit bosses and casino manager and the eye in the sky, and ultimately take the House after Tom Cruise says that famous line:

“Rain Man…let’s play some cards.”

(unfortunately in this clip, you can't hear him say that, because it's in Italian...I can't find it in English.  Well, the clip is the best I could do...) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3FhhZYuc1M

#4.  The Indians Start Winning – “Major League” – Music:  “Pennant Fever” by Unknown

“Major League” is unarguably one of the Top 5 Best Sports Movies of All Time.  If you disagree with that, you’re wrong.  Of course, this is the montage that starts out with Lou Brown telling the Indians, “Everytime we win, we peel a section.”

You always wanted your high school baseball team to have a winning streak like the one depicted here.  If you were on my high school baseball team, you quoted “Major League” incessantly and would watch the scene right before they take the field against the Yankees before you played a big game.  There are lots of montages that depict baseball teams starting to win – “The Natural” and “Bull Durham” immediately spring to mind, as well as a pretty good one in “A League of Their Own”.

“Major League”, though, is the standard.  Aside from “Pennant Fever” being really good background music and the effective use of freezing an image and using that image in a newspaper photo, they also effectively showed the audience that Cleveland was falling in love with the team by showing the group around the dedicated fans (“Not too high, too hard,” “Who gives a shit?  It’s gone!”) growing and growing with just a few camera shots.  It wasn’t just cool, it actually added – really effectively – to the plot of the movie.

The thing that puts really sets this montage apart is the cut in the middle of it where the Indians do an American Express advertisement.  I love watching the actors in that scene acting uncomfortable while they do something (get in front of the camera) that their characters (baseball players) are often times uncomfortable doing. 

“The American Express Card.  Don’t steal home without it.”

Really great montage, REALLY great movie.  It’s nice of movieclips.com to have this, but not so nice that they cut it off before the montage is done.  Oh well.  I tried.

http://movieclips.com/isS5-major-league-movie-were-contenders-now/

#3.  Peter Does Nothing – “Office Space” – Music:  “Damn It Feels Good to be a Gangster” by Geto Boys

“Well Peter, what would you do if you had a million dollars, man?”

“I would do…nothing.  I would sit on my ass and do nothing.”

“Well hell, you don’t need a million dollars to do nothing, man.  My cousin’s broke, don’t do shit.”

This movie montage perfectly illustrated exactly what and how you want to do when you don’t want to work.  This came out when I was a sophomore at UNI and I can still remember how “Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta” enjoyed a huge boost in popularity.  I recall it becoming an anthem among white Iowan marketing majors who had just finished their spring finals and felt the need to kick back with a case of Busch Light and sit outside their fraternity house, enjoying the spring weather and relishing in the fact that the only concern in the world was the temperature of said Busch Light.

Peter Gibbons became our role model, our shining light of apathy and our beacon of blissful indifference.  I couldn't find a clip of this one, hopefully because people are fittingly too lazy to post it.

#2.  Rocky’s Training – The Rocky Franchise – Music:  “Gonna Fly Now (Theme from “Rocky”) by Bill Conti

Taken as a whole, and taking my #1’s efforts aside (which is coming), Sports Movie Montages are the best montages there are.  Make no mistake, this is the standard for which all sports montages have been set. 

If these movie clips don’t make you want to go work out, nothing will.  This makes you want to run through Philadelphia, crossover jump-rope, hit a speedbag, and run up stairs with your arms raised.  Admit it – you’ve had the Rocky Theme going through your head when you ran up some similarly designed stairs at some point in your life.

The Franchise gets the number two spot because the whole thing is iconic.  From the music that everybody knows (which is likely playing in your head right now) to the image of Rocky at the top of the stairs that inspired an actual statue to be placed in Philadelphia.  And they actually managed to equal it in “Rocky III” when Rocky trains with Apollo Creed (that’s when you want to jump-rope like Rocky).  Rocky IV makes you want to go find a bunch of crap in a barn and train with that, while your ‘roided out, communist opponent makes use of the best technology in the mid-80’s.  (incidentally, in order to give credit, Vincent DiCola did the music for that one).

I will grant you that the kids following Rocky in Rocky II was pretty lame and that “Hearts on Fire” in “Rocky IV” really should have been dropped for the Rocky Theme.

I admit it, I copped out here and put the whole franchise down, which is sort of lame but it’s hard to pick out the best one.  There’s “Eye of the Tiger” in there too and, with the exception of “Rocky V”, which was the bastard child of the franchise, each one of them was pretty good.  So there you go.  The Rocky Franchise gets to claim the second spot.  Here’s the original, and the last, from “Rocky Balboa” as well as the one in Russia, just for the hell of it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DP3MFBzMH2o

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-8hOKNbtxg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAvhcLkUIi0

  #1.  Adrian Cronauer’s Dedication to Pvt. O’Malley and the Rest of the Boys on the Road to Nha Trang – “Good Morning Vietnam” – Music:  “What a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstrong

Note - I actually wrote this before the deah of Robin Williams and just now got around to posting it.

I am sorry to end my list with something so sad.  This montage puts a lump in my throat whenever I see it because the world, and people, aren’t supposed to be like this.  

(Now, even more so because of the death of Robin Williams)

If you never saw it, “Good Morning Vietnam” starred Robin Williams as Adrian Cronauer who was an irreverent and sarcastic Army Radio D.J. in the Vietnam war.  There really was a real-life Adrian Cronauer who said that the movie was “about 45% accurate” and that if he did half the stuff in the movie he would have been court marshaled and locked up in Fort Levenworth. 

Anyways, the montage.  It uses Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World” as an ironic counterpoint to the Vietnam War.  It is artistic and moving and tragic and, ultimately, kind of tough to watch.  It’s tough for me to watch anyways.  I almost didn’t give it the top spot because it makes me too sad.  Fortunately, in the interest of cheering you up, I’d like to point out that the movie also has a bunch of really funny montages involving some classic 60’s Rock and Roll, mixed with images of Vietnam, mixed with some of the funniest work Robin Williams has done on screen (the military intelligence one is probably my favorite…”it’s hard to find a Vietnamese person named ‘Charlie’”).

To be honest, I almost didn’t put it on the list altogether because, although the montage itself is awesomely done, the subject matter is decidedly not.  Whether or not it’s the best is debatable, but I think that it is the most powerful montage that you can find in cinema.  Obviously, being the age that I am and having never served in the military, my opinion on the feelings the montage encapsulates is not comprehensive.  I suspect, however, that this two and half minutes in the movie did a masterful job of portraying what must have been a horribly conflicted time and a horribly conflicted war.

At any rate, I think that it’s extra-ordinarily well done.  But, instead of being funny or inspiring me to go work out or just making the audience smile…this one just makes you sad. 

But after thinking on this one for a while, I have to think that this is the best movie montage that’s ever been done.

And that’s why I gave it my top spot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhUrKbKbs5Y

[everybodygetawesome]

Top 10 Pop Culture Years!

Do you know what's awesome?  Pop culture.  I like stupid pop culture as much as the next person.  More, probably, because I think movie quotes should really be in everybody's daily speech.

So, were there certain years that stood out as particularly awesome in the context of earth shattering pop culture?  There were, and I think we should count them down.  If you're wondering, no Best of the Rest today because, well, this one's going to take a while.  While weight is placed on quantity, mucho weight is placed on quality.  If there was a moment that changed the way music, movies, sports, or the way we thought about the world in general happened, well...that's getting alot of weight put on it.

You'll find alot of firsts on this list and you might be wondering why, given my unreasonable obsession with television and movies why the first movies and TV years didn't make the list.  It's because I couldn't find the same type of earth shattering moments in movies and TV that I could in music.  Also, because, well...the early days of radio, TV, and movies were really more dominated by World Wars and actual reality as opposed to popular culture.  

Hopefully the list will clarify it's self as you read...

Let's do this thing!

Top 10 Pop Culture Years!

#10.  1984 - 

Goodness Crosbie.  Did you kind of give '84 a pretty low spot on the list ...considering 1984 inspired the list?  Especially considering all the great stuff that '84 had, particularly regarding movies?  Let's go through them:

The Karate Kid Ghostbusters Gremlins Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom The Natural Police Academy Star Trek III Beverly Hills Cop Terminator THAT'S a pop-culture resume right there.  Or so it would seem.  But why couldn't 1984 sweep the leg from the other years?  (see what I did there)

Look, I frigging love movies, so a getting a higher spot is going to take some work if you're gonna argue movies.

The crown jewel of that year was Ghostbusters, no DOUBT.  Certainly Terminator is a big gun (see what I did there) but I would argue the second one was better than the first.  The Karate Kid is a seminal pop culture work, the Crane Kick of martial arts movies (see what I did there).  The Natural has the single greatest scene in a sports movie ever.  Beverly Hills Cop caught Eddie Murphy at the height of his comedy powers.  Don't feed DON'T FEED a Gremlin after midnight.

But Temple of Doom was, up until the tragedy that was Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the weakest Indiana Jones movie by FAR.  Star Trek III was a sequel and the Police Academy movies, quite frankly, got progressively more annoying.  

So it is a good year for movies.  But was there anything else that made '84 list worthy?  Because, I have to tell you, it didn't START anything or change the Cinema Landscape.

What about Music?   Well, the the drummer from Def Leppard lost his arm that year and we all lost Marvin Gaye when his father shot him.  Not so awesome.  Prince released Purple Rain - people may argue alot as to whether or not that was awesome.  

Van Halen released "1984" and Bon Jovi released their self titled debut album.  But there was some thing in music that shifted how music would be listened to for the next 20 years or so...in Terra Haute, Indiana, a manufacturing plant that produced something called "compact discs" was built.  Bruce Springstein's "Born in the USA" was the first CD considered to be made in the USA, and music turned digital.  

I actually remember the first year CDs sold LPs (I think it was 1989 but didn't bother to look it up, and I remember my first CD player.  I remember the first CD I bought - it was The Spin Doctors' "Pocket Full of Kryptonite" and I couldn't tell my mom about it because the song "Little Miss" had the word "bitch" in it.  

What was the first CD you ever bought?

Well, CDs would eventually be supplanted by other technology, but digital music was here to stay.  But this wasn't the only pop-culture landmark...in fact there was something that changed on TV that year.  TV enjoyed a high-water mark year.  Wanna know what debuted that year?

Airwolf Murder She Wrote Night Court Charles in Charge Who's the Boss Highway to Heaven Punky Brewster Voltron Miami Vice The Transformers

and... The Cosby Show The Cosby Show cemented NBC's Stranglehold on Thursday night television and turned Thursday Nights into a particularly coveted TV ratings target.  I don't know if changed the way we watched television, but it subtlely changed the days on which we think we should watch it.

Oh and Tranformers effectively changed my life, for the awesome, forever.  

Now.  Do you have a problem with that Mr. Lawrence?

(See what I did there)

#9.  1992 - 

Huh.  1992?  Really?  You really think that '92 outranks '84 there Crosbie?  Well, let's take a look...

1992 did see the formation of the Dream Team, in the Barcelona Olympics, which - to date - remains the finest collection of atheletes on one team, in competition, in history.  Dan and Dave was a particularly clever ad campaign by Reebok for the same olympics, until Dan didn't make the said olympic team.

Windows 3.1 was also released in 1992, which was first iteration of the operating system most of us are, in some part, familiar with.  It wasn't necessarily pop-culture-ish, but Microsoft's world domination took a major step in 1992, becoming the most popular OS in the world that year.

1992, musically, was very interesting.  Nevermind by Nirvana hit #1 (it was released in '91), and officially marked the end of the Glam Rock Era and the start of the Grunge era, though nobody bothered to tell Guns n' Roses, as the "November Rain" came out the same year, at 8 minutes and 57 seconds and a video cost to the tune of 1.5 million dollars, a record at that time.

Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston got married and Ice-T had a track on his "Body Count" Album called "Cop Killa" that ruffled a few feathers.  Speaking of ruffling feathers, Sinead O'Conner ripped up a picture of the Pope on SNL and Madonna also released "Erotica" which was highly controversial.

The most interesting thing, though, musically was probably work by an Indian man named A.R. Rahman.   A.R. Rahman released his first soundtrack in a movie called "Roja" which would sculpt the way contemporary Indian Music was viewed and made.  Since there's literally a billion people in India, that matters.  You may remember another soundtrack Rahman did - "Slumdog Millionare".

Boy, movies were pretty good: A League of Their Own Batman Returns Wayne's World Lethal Weapon 3 Alien 3 Sister Act Unforgiven White Men Can't Jump The Lawn Mower Man Malcolm X Resevoir Dogs My Cousin Vinny A Few Good Men Scent of a Woman Last of the Mohicans

I mean...that's really a hell of a list right there.

Oh.  Also Captain Ron. 

From a pop-culture standpoint, though, 1992 saw the first hints of a seismic shift in the way television was presented.  1992 was the year that The Real World debuted on MTV, marking the first televsion show about reality or, put another way, the first reality TV show.  21 years and umpteen "Flavor of Love" spinoffs later, we suddenly wish we could hop in a Delorean, crank that B up to 88 and prevent that from happening...

The thing was, The Real World really wasn't that bad of a show initially.  Those of us old enough may remember Puck vs Pedro in the San Francisco season and Pedro was one of the first gay men, openly with HIV/AIDS who's story was put out to such a wide, impressionable mass.  If reality television had stayed on such a socially responsible path, it might have been really good. 

But, you know, Honey Boo-Boo is more entertaining to some, I suppose...if you are wondering where the television phenomenon known as "reality TV" really got it's first foothold, it was the year 1992.  

#8.  1966 - 

People who were alive then are already cursing my list, claiming this is too low.  Well, lets start with the not so good, And the not so bad, and the not so ugly.  

"The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" premiered and that famous whistle followed by the harmonica became the Standard for Which All Western Soundtracks Will Ever Be Measured.  Really, though, there wasn't a whole lot in the way of movies; the highest grossing movie that year only grossed $34 million, which really wasn't very much.  Probably the most significant thing that happened in movies was that Walt Disney died of complications following a lung cancer surgery.

Music, though, really had a hell of a year.  

Simon and Garfunkle's "Sounds of Silence" hit #1 early in the year, Bob Dylan released "Blonde on Blonde", and the Original Supergroups, Buffalo Springfield and Cream released their self titled album and "Fresh Cream" the same year.  Simon and Garfunkel released "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme".  The Troggs came out with "Wild Thing" and Nancy Sinatra released "Boots" which I contend is the nation's first Girl-Power song.

Wilson Pickett killed it with "The Exciting Wilson Pickett" that included "Land of a 1000 Dances", "634-5789, Soulsville, USA", and "In the Midnight Hour" which established him as a 60's Soul Man. The Beach Boys released their iconic "Pet Sounds" album and that west coast feel made anybody feel like they were driving with a top down, even if it was the middle of January and you live in Iowa.

Honestly, you really can't list them all...get this:  Waylon Jennings, Johnny Cash, The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Kinks, The Who, Jefferson Airplane, Cher, Neil Diamond, Barbara Streisand, James Brown, The Mamas and the Papas, Joan Baez, Frank Sinatra, Stevie Wonder, Elvis Presley, Tony Bennett and Ray Charles ALL released albums that year.  

Can you imagine something like that happening today?  

However...since you may have noticed a pattern forming here, I have one event that ruled them all saved for the end of the segment.  It happened on TV and it spawned movies, merchandising, spin-offs, sub-cultures, even languages.  And a legion of Uber-nerd fans that still exist today...known as Trekkies.

Sigh.  Yes, Star Trek.  Now, I have to admit, I'm not actually a Star Trek fan.  Honestly, I just don't get it.  It's not nearly as interesting to me as another "Star" franchise which (Spoiler Alert!) might just show up later on this list.

But it would incredibly remiss of me not to acknowlege the impact of Star Trek on popular culture, even if it wasn't my favorite thing.  The thing is, upon further review, Star Trek was well ahead of it's time socially.

The guy who came up with the idea, Gene Roddenberry, actually wrote a whole bunch of stuff into the show that got by the network censors that was entirely intentional, making statements about human rights, equality, feminism, diversity, anti-war, and class-warfare.  Apparently the Vulcans were a people with a particularly violent past who had learned to control their emotions - this was a direct comment on the Vietnam war.

Roddenberry actually got alot of opposition when he wrote in such a racially diverse crew, but got it by the networks anyways.  Star Trek actually holds the distinction for the first on-air interracial kiss.  It seems sort of laughable now, but consider that in the 50's, you weren't even supposed to say a female character was "pregnant".  Instead, she was "expecting".

Star Trek as a show and as a message was ahead of it's time.  And it was important.  And, to a certain extent, it influenced all of us.

#7.  1994 - 

If you were to sum up 1994’s pop culture contributions into one, I guess, category, it would be a crossing over of pop-culture with sports.  But let’s get to that after knocking out some of the other stuff first.

In the world of movies, the Lion King came out and was the highest grossing movie of the year.  However, many people might remember 1994 as the year “Forrest Gump” and “Pulp Fiction” came out, two of the most quoted and most remembered movies of all-time.  But do you know who was WINNING in 1994?  Jim Carrey – get this, “Ace Ventura”, “The Mask”, and “Dumb and Dumber” all came out in 1994.  Since the majority of my time in high school Spanish class was spent quoting “Ace Ventura”, I think very fondly of this. 

Music had an interesting year.  Alice in Chains came out with “Jar of Flies” which was a pretty kick-ass record, but probably the biggest thing to happen that year, that people realized at the time, was Kurt Cobain killing himself.  I say “at the time” because two things happened in music that year that people might not remember – one a band named “Korn” came out and pioneered (in somewhat of a musical misstep) the Nu-Metal sound that tragically gave us Fred Durst. 

Probably the most significant thing that happened in music that year, only about 10,000 people took advantage of.  Aerosmith released a song called “Head First”.  Don’t remember it?  Don’t worry, the song wasn’t that big of a deal.  The thing is, they released it on the internet and 10,000 people downloaded it for free.  This marked the first time a major band had ever done such a thing.  Turns out that idea sort of caught on…

But what about that thing up at the top…the “crossing over of sports and pop culture thing”.  What was I talking about there?

1994 saw a few incidents we’ll probably never see the likes of again, all in one year.  

For one, Lisa “Lefteye” Lopez from TLC burned down Atlanta Falcons receiver Andre Rison’s house. 

Meh.  Pretty standard stuff.  I’m sure you’re yawning.  But something more tragic happened...this was the year that the World Cup was awarded to the United States and in a very ugly turn of events, the Colombian midfielder Andres Escobar was murdered upon his return home after accidentally scoring an own-goal.  The Colombian soccer team that year was a particularly beautiful and tragic story captured in the ESPN 30 for 30, "The Two Escobars" which captured all that is wonderful placed right next to everything that could be wrong about sports.  You should watch it.

The other two major events captivated the nation. 

1994 was the year Nancy Kerrigan got clubbed on the knee.  And EVERYBODY watched that.

To date, the Ladies Technical Program in Lillehammer, Norway, was TV's highest rated event in olympic history.  We all remember why – Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan had themselves a little rivalry, Harding had a melt-down, and my GOD had you ever seen anything so crazy in your LIFE?  It was this bizarre crossing over of sports and media frenzy and just…bizarre crap.  EVERYBODY was talking about this and EVERYBODY watched it. 

You’d only have to wait about 5 months before it happened again.  O.J. Simpson made a white Bronco somewhat famous in the same year. 

I don’t ever remember a sports story crossing over into popular culture like either one of those before or since.  I certainly don’t remember a year that contained two stores that captured the attention of America like these two did.   

In my humble opinion, these two news stories, which happened to involve sports stars, changed the way the news was presented.  Instead of the who, what, when, where, and why of journalism past, the American public demonstrated that we love constant, 24 hour news sensationalization of what was, admittedly, an interesting two stories.  But I believe these two stories turned our news it's self into popular culture.  

And not necessarily for the better.

#6.  1999 –

Oh Jon.  You’re just picking years you can remember, aren’t you?  That’s what you’re saying right now, shaking your head.

The edge of the millennium had some real chops when it came to pop culture.  Let’s have ourselves a look, shall we?

While the changes in music may not have been filled with quality, there were some shifts in popular music’s direction.  Some might argue that the Grunge era officially ended with the re-introduction of bubble-gum pop.  Christina Aguilara and Brittany Spears both released “Genie in a Bottle” and “Baby One More Time”, respectively, and the Backstreet Boys released “Millenium”.  A young lady named Jennifer Lopez released her debut album, “On the 6”.  Mariah Carey released “Heartbreaker” and sold a bunch of records.

Somewhat tragically, Limp Bizkit released “Significant Other”.  New douchiness levels were reached by Fred Durst.  The “Thong Song” came out.  I wanted it to stop.

It wasn’t all bad…unable to stand it, Eminem releases “The Real Slim Shady”.  Even Nu-Metal wasn’t all bad - Korn were much less douchey and released “Issues”.  Blink-182 also had a very respectable effort with “Enema of the State” and The Red Hot Chili Peppers released “Californication”. Dr. Dre released “2001” and introduced a harpsichord into rap music.  Interesting…

Do you remember the most earth shattering thing that happened in music that year?  Do you? 

Napster was introduced.  And all of a sudden, you had a much more vested interest in the term “bandwidth”.  Do you remember how earthshattering Napster was?  I mean, do you remember?   You could have whatever music you wanted, right then, for free. 

Don't get it twisted...you were stealing it.  Lars was right.  You convinced yourself that it was somehow okay.

Now, I would argue that Napster changed the way that music was made, because the emphasis was placed on one song and this change in music marked the sharp decline of the album.  Sean Parker, incidentally, went on to be Facebook's first president, and his success with Napster maybe (maaaaaybe) did more to influence social media than people realize.  

Hey, speaking of Social Media, wanna know something else that happened in 1999?  The website "Friends Reunited" became the first social networking site to achieve a great deal of prominence.  In subsequent years, Friendster, MySpace, and, of course, Facebook turned this nebulous entity known as "social media" into the latest and greatest marketing target.  And now I have a place to share my blog about Top 10 lists...

There were some other things that were not so awesome.  On an otherwise normal day in Colorado in April, Columbine happened.  Marilyn Manson got blamed, video games got blamed, guns got blamed and we started a national debate that still rages today. 

Wanna talk movies?  Oh there were some good ones. 

We’ll actually ignore the highest grossing one of that year…we’ll get to that franchise a bit lower down on this list.

Fight Club, The Sixth Sense, American Pie, The Green Mile, and the oddly terrifying Blair Witch Project all came out.  The best of the crop that year, though, in my opinion was The Matrix.  Ignoring Keanu Reeves, and the third movie in that franchise, the special effects were jaw-dropping, and arguably the best pickup line of all time came to existence:

“Are we in the Matrix?  Because you are The One.”

Even with all this quality we’ve talked about, I think 1999’s biggest impact was on television.  Wait?  Television? 

Consider that “Who Wants to be a Millionare” came out and we all started referencing Life-Lines and Phoning Friends.

Consider that “Family Guy” debuted.  And consider that, in my opinion the best dramatic television show that ever was debuted the same year...

(try to imagine I'm doing this next paragraph in my best Jersey Mob accent)

Consider that, in my humble ____ing opinion, there was this...uhhh...show.  With our friend.  You know, the Big Guy. You need something done, you need something taken care of.  The Big Guy is in Waste Management.  You don't think he's in Waste Management?  You don't think he's in ____ing WASTE MANAGEMENT? Listen you little mudda____er, if you don't think that the ____ing Sopranos isn't in da ____ing pop culture Hall of ____ing Fame I'll crack your ____ing head with this tire iron.  THERE'S THE SISTINE CHAPEL, THE MONA ____ING LISA AND THE SOPRANOS.  THAT'S THE LIST. 

Hoh!  With the drama!  You love "The Sopranos"?  Oh Madonne...I knew you were were were just breaking my balls...

While HBO started a trend of making consistantly amazing television in 1999, in my opinion, the most earth shattering event happened on basic cable show that nobody really  paid much attention to.  In 1999, Jon Stewart took over the Daily Show.

For the last 15 years, Jon Stewart has been making me laugh, and cry, about what happens in our world.  He also began (rightly) skewering everybody else who reported on the news, idiot politicians, and general stupidity.  Ed Helms and Steve Carell found their way to “The Office”, John Oliver started “Last Week Tonight”, Rob Riggle went to “Fox NFL Sunday”, and Rob Cordrey, Wyatt Cenak, Olivia Munn, and other Daily Show Correspondants found their way all over pop culture.

And, of course, Stephen Colbert got his own show and will make it all the way to “The Late Show” starting in 2015.  And he has his own Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream flavor.  And his own Colbert Nation.  And an interstellar treadmill named after him.  And a bridge in Hungary.  And he taught us all about SuperPACs. 

And Colbert has said on multiple occations he owes it all to Jon Stewart.  Jon Stewart, who changed the way I’ll watch TV forever, in 1999.  

#5.  1969 - 

Hope I don't offend people that this one isn't higher.  

Yes, I know there was Woodstock.  Yes, I know the moonlanding, which was - at the time - the largest TV audience for any live event ever.  I know, I know, Joe Namath and the New York Jets upset the Baltimore Colts in Superbowl III, changing the way AFL was looked at, and changing the course of the NFL.  I know the Miracle Mets won the World Series the same year, also beating a Baltimore team, paving the way for decades of frustration and disappointment for the Mets' and Jets' collective fan bases which oddly seem to cross over.

I know, Led Zepplin released their first albums. Yes, I'm aware this is when Elvis recorded "Suspicious Minds".  I know!  The Beatles released "Abbey Road" and that iconic album cover in 1969.

I'm aware that Mario Puzo published "The Godfather" this year.  I'm also aware that a different type of family debuted - The Brady Bunch.

Something else interesting happened in 1969 - some people at UCLA and Stanford sent a message across something called the ARPANET.  The ARPANET involved the sharing of data over a data network through interlinked computers.  You'll know it today as the Internet.

Now, you might be saying to yourself, Crosbie, wouldn't the beginning of the Internet garner the #1 spot on your pop-culture list?  I can certainly entertain this idea - here's the thing.  The Beginning of the Information Age really didn't affect popular culture all that much.  The ARPANET was decomissioned in 1990 and although it was the progentor to the World Wide Web, it wasn't the World Wide Web.  Popular Culture wasn't influenced by the Internet, until the Internet became available to everybody on a daily basis...well...we'll get to that a few spots down...

By the way, in 1969, nobody cared about the ARPANET other than a few people at Stanford and UCLA.

Really, though, my impression of what 1969 must have been like came from reading Dave Barry.  If you don't know him, Dave Barry is my favorite writer of all time and was alive during all this.  His words describing the tenor and feel of the country at the time made you feel like, if you weren't alive, you missed something that the country would never see again, culturally. Shit, maybe it should have been higher...

#4.  1985 - 

Look.  It’s my list and we’re not going to talk about 1985 without talking about the ’85 Bears.  We could (and have, some of us) debate as to whether or not they were the most dominant defense of all time.  We could (and have, some of us) debate whether or not Walter Payton remains the best running back of all-time.  We could (and have, some of us) debate whether or not Ditka and a thick Chi-caaaag-oh accent remains the best way to BE when you talk about football.

One thing we will not debate is whether or not the Superbowl Shuffle was a seminal moment in American History. 

It was.  End of discussion.

What else happened in 1985…lets see, lets see…

Wrestlemania debuted.  I could stop writing exactly at this point since the ’85 Bears and Wrestlemania are the only things a year would need on it’s resume to make the Top 5.  But I’ll keep going.

Speaking of Chicago, something else happened in 1985...Nike released a shoe called "The Air Jordan".  Turns out this "Air Jordan" caught on.  

Straight up, the greatest comic strip of all time debuted this year…Calvin and Hobbes.  “Back the Future” came out and was the highest grossing movie that year, paving the way for Delorean references, when you wish you could change something you did.  DNA was first used in a criminal case, paving the way for upwards of 8 different versions of CSI.  The Titanic was found, paving the way for a movie that did fairly well.   New Coke debuted, paving the way for the cancellation of New Coke.  Pete Rose broke the Major League Baseball All-Time Hits record paving the way for his entrance into the Baseball Hall of Fame.  He's in there, right?

Wanna know the biggest of the biggest things that happened that year?

In October, Nintendo Entertainment System hit the US. 

Oh, I know, Atari and Commedore 64 came out first, but not like Nintendo.  Nintendo was far more wildly successful than the previous two and Nintendo, not the very noble Pole Position, defined your childhood.  You can still hum the theme to Mario Bros.  Easily.  You’ve put that friggin’ dog on Duck Hunt to work more times than you can remember.  You still know the code.  (“say it with me…up up down down left right…

This is the year that video game consoles blew up.  Everybody knew it at the time, everybody wanted one at the time, everybody still wants one now.

A few years later, Nintendo also busted out the first “Super” system and showed the world that people will go out and buy a better system when you can make one.  They did it again with the N64.  Nintendo has fallen on hard times recently, and the systems have gotten pretty amazing.  The Master Chief, Ken and Ryu, The Umbrella Corporation, Madden, and Lara Croft may be the current torch bearers, but Mario, Link, Simon Belmont, Megaman, and Bo Jackson guided you through your formative years.  

You put Nintendo together with the Air Jordan together with the Superbowl Shuffle together with Calvin and Hobbes together with friggin' Wrestlemania, well that’s why 1985 gets the #4 spot.  At least it does on my list.

#3.  1964 - 

Oh, this is a close one.  I could easily see the argument that 1964 should be #1.  

For one thing, somewhat unhappily, the Vietnam war would begin to escalate.  A Navy Destroyer was sunk in the Gulf of Tonkin and this really started to elevate tensions.  The congress and senate voted on the Gulf of Tonkin resolution which gave President Lyndon Johnson power to "deal" with North Vietnam.

Normally, I wouldn't really want to include something like a war in awesome pop culture references, but since the Vietnam war was sadly such a catalyst for music, movies, and (to a certain extent) a social movement, it's escalation is important and this gave rise to the anti-war movements and the cultural change that came with it.

I hate war.  You know what I like?  Awesomeness.  In 1964, Ford debuted the Ford Mustang and introduced an affordable muscle car and it could be argued that such a car paved the way for the glorious muscle car era of the late 60's and early 70's.  Win for America.

America also won the most gold medals in the '64 Summer Games in Tokyo, but we were bested by the Ruskies in the '64 Winter Games in Innsbruk.  There was a particularly interesting crossover in sports occured - Cassius Clay changed his name to Muhammad Ali and the nation paused to wonder, and argue about, what that meant to them.  

And the Civil Rights movement started to take hold.  And got ugly.  The Freedom Summer of 1964 was an attempt to register black voters in the southern states and the KKK murdered three civil rights workers, James Chaney, Andrew Goodman, and Michael Schwerner.  Ultimately, though, the KKK can suck it, because The Civil Rights Act of 1964 was signed into law.  It should be noted, for historical context that the most fervent opposition came from, interestingly, Democrats.  Southern Democrats, but democrats none the less.  Richard Russell, a democratic senator from Georgia said the following, which wasn't that long ago but today seems unthinkable:

"We will resist to the bitter end any measure or any movement which would have a tendency to bring about social equality and intermingling and amalgamation in our (Southern) states." 

While the Civil Rights movement in 1964 and the similarly important Equal Pay for Women act the year before in 1963 were highly influencial regarding the direction of the country, it's not exactly pop-culture, though I suppose both of these had tremendous ramifications on what pop-culture would become.  But we should probably get back to pop-culture in the year it's self.

Wanna know who was killing it in 1964?  James Bond.  "From Russia With Love" was still in theaters (release date was 1963) AND "Goldfinger" came out in '64, with the former giving us new uses for periscopes and flareguns, and the latter giving us the best Bond villian (Auric Goldfinger) and arguably the best Bond girl (Pussy Galore) (hey, don't get mad at me...I didn't name the character...)

Clint Eastwood and the Spaghetti Western genre debuted in 1964, with "A Fist Full of Dollars", though it debuted in Italy - it wouldn't get to the States until 1967.  Still though, it was '64 that the movie first came out.

Somewhat contrastingly, "My Fair Lady" and "Mary Poppins" came out in '64.  Elvis' Iconic "Viva Las Vegas" was also released in '64, starring him and Ann-Margaret.  

If we are going to talk about music, though, in 1964, we are going to talk about somebody else...

On a February night in 1964, a band from Liverpool known as the Beatles played on the Ed Sullivan show, and started the British Invasion which included the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, The Who, and the Kinks.  An estimated 35% of the United States watched the Beatles on Ed Sullivan that night, and for an entire generation, this marked a seminal moment in popular culture that has been oft claimed, but never duplicated.  

Every so often some crap boy band comes along that people claim will be as popular as the Beatles.  I remember when New Kids on the Block were "as popular as the Beatles".  A few years later, the Backstreet Boys and N'Sync were supposed to be this generations version of The Beatles and the Dave Clark Five.  

Well, they weren't.  Nobody will be the Beatles.  Ever.   

Since the Beatles were, arguably, the most influencial band of the last 20th century, they and their British invasion counterparts garner the #3 spot.  I got this list together and then decided I needed to run it by a few people older than me to make sure I hadn't missed anything overly earthshattering. Almost everybody immediately brought up the following question:

"You got the night the Beatles played on Ed Sullivan on there, right?"

#2.  1954 - 

There's going to be alot of debate as to the ranking of 1954 this highly.  Some would almost certainly say that 1969 and 1964 should have ranked higher.  

Firstly, there was the first mass polio vaccination in the US.  That one isn't really a pop culture phenomenon, but it's near and dear to my heart and it's my list so there you go. 

There was some odd conflict happening over in some place nobody had heard of called Vietnam.  Military aid started to increase to the country.  Eisenhower warned this may not be a good idea.

Do you know who was born this year?  From a pop-culture standpoint, it's fairly amazing:  Oprah Winfrey, Howard Stern, Matt Groening, Jerry Seinfeld, and Ron Howard.  It also saw the births of Ray Liotta and John Travolta.  Also, and this cannot be overstated, my favorite football player of all time, Walter Payton.

Oh, yeah, and the woman who played Daisy Duke, Katherine Bach.

The Boyscouts apparently desegregated that year.  That's pretty awesome.  Sports Illustrated debuted this year, which is also pretty awesome.  If you're into celebrity weddings, Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio got married that year, and were even more awesome because they didn't apply some dumbass nickname to the relationship.  (I dunno..."Mary-Mag", "JoeRoe"?  Thank God that happened in 1954 and nobody did this crap).

The reason I ranked 1954 as #2 was that something fairly amazing happened in the world of music that set the stage for all the years you've already read about (in my humble opinion).  Firstly, RCA introduced the first transistor radio that could be easily and affordably purchased.  And secondly, on a hot July night in Memphis, a young man from Tupelo, Mississippi named Elvis Presley recorded a song called "That's All Right". 

This song was played 3 days later on Dewey Phillips' Radio Show and it was so popular, he played it over and over again for the last 2 hours of his show.  Elvis released "That's All Right" on record and  soon after, Bill Haley and the Comets released "Rock Around the Clock".  And then, this something called "rock and roll" which had been simmering down south like gumbo was served up to the entire nation.

You can still see Sun Studio to this day and stand right where Elvis did when he walked in and said "I don't sound like nobody".  You can see and touch the baffling that heard the birth of rock and roll as we know it. You can stand on the same floor tiles and look at the same walls and even see some of the same instruments because they haven't changed a thing.  The small, unassuming building where Elvis crossed different genres (and different racial influences) into his music still stands, and still records music to this day. 

As could be imagined by people my age and remembered by people a bit older, this wasn't exactly a revolution that well received by everybody.  People said that Elvis "The Pelvis" was too hypersexual and that his hip gyrations were immoral and would mark the erosion of all things societal and holy.  

Well, whatever.  Music and popular culture changed forever when Rock and Roll was born.  And while it might not have gone in a "moral" direction, it did go in an AWESOME direction.

#1.  1977 - 

I deem 1977 to be the most amazing of all pop culture years.  It's a bold strategy Cotton, let's see if it pays off...

I will grant you that the music itself wasn't the strongest this year.  The number one song that year was For one thing, drunken idiots everywhere got an anthem that inspired a Sirius XM station 30 years later, "Margaritaville".  

A few good bands formed - INXS, The Police, Dire Straights, and Def Leppard all got together that year.  But the most earth shattering event regarding music that happened in 1977 was in Memphis, on an otherwise normal August day - Elvis Presley died.

As far as TV goes, the most important that happened was the Roots Miniseries.  It's impact still persists today, but no really great shows debuted in 1977.  Music was...meh.  The Roots was pretty impactful.  So what about movies?  Oh, it was a year for movies...

Saturday Night Fever came out and suddently everybody needed a white leisure suit and the BeeGees ruled the world.  Close Encounters of Third Kind also came out.  The first Hobbit cartoon came out, There was a James Bond movie (The Spy Who Loved Me) and the classic hockey movie, Slap Shot.

All good...but there was something about 1977.  I think, and I'm just spit balling here, the Force was strong with this year.

That's right baby, Star Wars came out in 1977 and I reckon it was the most mindblowing thing anybody had ever seen.  People still go nuts for Star Wars and go absolutely ballistic when the original movies are desecrated.  (I do, anyways...by the way, 1999's highest grossing movie that I didn't want to talk about at #5 was "The Phantom Menace", which I'm still pissed about).  Star Wars inspired more amazement and magic at the movies than had been seen before and really, nothing like it sense.  It just seemed like movies changed that year, forever.

But what was the most significant thing in pop-culture that year?  Could something have happened that was even more important than Star Wars?  Something that managed to affect all aspects of pop-culture, from the internet, to movies, to music, to television.  It's tough for me to admit this, but there was.

A few guys named Steve knew they had something special with this thing called a "computer".  On January 3rd, a company called "Apple" was incorporated and it would change the way we looked at phones, music, movies, pictures...Apple's impact is kind of amazing when you think about it's scope.  Apple managed to bring the computer to the homes of millions, unlike it had been done before.  Schools would fill computer labs with Apple IIGSs and with such access to computers, I would argue that Apple's formation and subsequent success, along with it's introduction of an entire generation into the information age ultimately did more to influence Pop Culture as we currently know it today. 

I credit Apple here because my first computer experience was with an Apple IIGS both at home and in school.  And while Windows and Bill Gates have an accounting spreadsheet Top 10 list locked up, there's a certain je ne sais quoi about Apple products...iPods made holding an entire music library in your hand possible.  iPads invented a whole new category of computer.  Look, Apple invented the iPod.  Microsoft invented the Zune.  This is a list about pop culture.  With all due respect, Mr. Gates, this just isn't your thing.

And the iPhone...oh the iPhone.  Take pictures, watch a movie, surf the internet...if the iPhone wasn't the world's first smartphone, it is undesputedly the most popular.  How many times have you crowded around an iPhone, watching some stupid YouTube video and laughing riotously.  You can show your friend that hilarious SNL clip on monday on your phone.  You check scores, buy music, check the latest news, tell everybody what your doing, all on your phones.  You access all aspects of popular culture, right on something that fits in your pocket.

I know Samsung has made a fine effort - some may argue that the Galaxy is a better phone.  But it's still always going to be labeled an iPhone killer and that moniker relegates it to second place.

Now, I understand that the information age can't just be put down to Jobs and Wosniack in 1977.  I get it...the story is more complex and amazing than that.  But something special happened in 1977, and we may not see a company impact popular culture in such a way, ever again. 

And if you'd have shown somebody then an iPhone from now, well, they might have believed you.  After all, when you've seen a galaxy far, far away in the same year, I suppose just about anything seems possible.

[everybodygetawesome]

Top 10 Sports Villains!

Do you know what's awesome?  A good sports villain.  See, not every game is going to have Your Team in it.  But you have to pick a side.  I mean...you HAVE to pick a side.  Because if you don't, the game isn't as interesting.  

Today, I thought I'd make up a list of the most villainous teams in sports history that you love to hate.  You might be thinking to yourself, Crosbie, you're supposed to be positive here and a Top 10 List can't be influenced by such negative things!

Au contraire, mon frere.  

See, focusing all your negative energy on a sports team I find to be incredibly healthy because it's an outlet for your negativity that, well, has to go somewhere.  It's not like those negative emotions are just going to go away.  Well, they would if you were the Dalai Lama or, like, a monk or something and had complete control over your inner chakras.

Well, I don't.  I need to hate something.  Here are 10 of the Best, most easily hateable teams...dude, it's okay.  You can hate these guys and nothing bad is going to happen in the world.  

Wanna start with the Worst of the Rest?  Ya, me too.  The Worst of the Rest today is just going to be particularly villainous individuals.  Now, if you're wondering, I do have some positive standards here.  People like Marge Schott and Donald Stirling don't make my list because NOBODY likes those people.  See, in sports, a good villain has to be liked by SOMEBODY.  Incidentally, this is why Ty Cobb and A-rod also don't make my list.  After all, this is supposed to be fun, and people like that just aren't fun.  So eff them.

The Worst of the Rest!

Bill Belichek -

As will become painfully obvious through most of this list, I actually happen to like most of the villains here.  I like the way Belichek coaches.  Spygate really didn't bother me because, well, I thought it was creative. As Al Davis and his Raiders might attest, if you're not cheating, you're not trying.

Speaking of that...

Al Davis - 

Oh Al.  What crazy thing will you do in the draft this year?  Again, I've actually been rather partial to the Raiders and Al's quirky antics because it makes everything way more interesting.  But everybody seems to hate him, so...why not.  Admit it Raider Fans, you'd be disappointed if you didn't get mentioned on a list of villains...

Bobby Knight - 

Yeah, I love him too.  He's funny.  So he threw a chair and joked about whipping one of his players.

(okay, that last one might be a little out of line)

They loved him in Indiana and he could coach the hell out of some basketball.

Muhammad Ali - 

Oh, he was a villain alright.  Speaking out against the Vietnam War and yapping and yapping...

The dude was as good as it gets and was swagger before swagger was swagger.  He should get a royalty check when somebody says the word swagger.  

If you're talking about Ali, you kind of have to talk about...

Howard Cosell - 

A villanious TV broadcaster?  Hell yeah!  I wish I had heard Cosell call games.  It seems that people just hated the guy and I have a suspicion I would have loved him.  But he polarized the people who listened to him, just like a good sports villain should.

Tiger Woods - 

Really?  Tiger?  

Yes.  I'm deeming Tiger a villain.  I don't want him to win any more and I know a bunch of other people who are sick of him as well.  And a bunch of people who really WANT him to win.

Do you want Jack's major record to fall to Tiger?  Of course you don't.  Not now.  Root against him, like me.

Barry Bonds - 

So why is Barry on here and A-Rod not?  

Because Barry was LOVED in San Francisco.  A-Rod ended up being hated by not just Yankee Fans, but the Yankees themselves.  Nobody liked A-Rod.

Barry, on the other hand, had heaps of fans.  There were people wearing "Pitch to Barry" shirts who didn't even like the Giants.  People watched, praying wildly that he'd either connect, or titanically whiff.  Great villain.  Point of fact, one I actually disliked.

Wanna do this thing?  I do...

Top 10 Sports Villains Who are Awesome to Hate!

#10.  The New England Patriots - During the Belichek Era

I actually like the Patriots just fine because everybody else hates them for one reason or another.   As I already said, the Spygate thing really didn't bother me that much, but the Colts fans up in that picture did such a clever job that I had to include that photo.  It sort of seems like hating the Pats is the trendy thing to do these days.  But, as with Belichek up there, I think the way they play and the success they have, year in and year out is fascinating and, frankly, I think it's fun to watch. 

But, people hate them anyways.  The Patriot Way and Patriot Success is just another depressing chapter for Jets fan, and I have to admit that watching the Jets fans watch the Jets lose is a hell of a lot of fun.  

(It'll be fun to watch them watch the Jets win, too...)

Given the level of vitriole that people apply to the Pats, you might be wondering why they're not higher.  Well, they haven't been hateable for tooooo long, though that's starting to change

#9.  The Duke Blue Devils - During the Krzyzewski Era

I have to be honest, I'm not sure why people hate Duke, but they seem to.  They win all the time, so that might be it, or it might be that Duke has had a nasty habit of ruining everybody's bracket year after year, either winning when they're not supposed to, or losing to double-digit seeds.

It could be the Cameron Crazies (who I like) or it could be Dick Vitale (can't help it, I like him too).  It could be that Christian Laettner still irritates people, but it's not just Kentucky fans who hate Duke.  It could be J.J. Reddick knocking down lights-out threes, but It's not just North Carolina fans who don't want Duke to win, it seems like everybody doesn't.

I root for Duke now, because people seem to dislike them, but I didn't always.  I thought that Jalen Rose and the Fab Five were the coolest people in America and they didn't like Duke.  So I didn't like Duke.  

So there you go.

#8.  The Miami Heat - present

I know LeBron, it's so hard.  It is SO HARD to be as good as you.  When Jordan had a fever of 104 and looked like death warmed over, he got carried off the court too.  Wait, no, I misremembered that.  He actually torched the Jazz for like 50 points that game and ended up winning the series.  I know what you're thinking.  If the Patriots are #10 as a result of being hateable for only a decade, what business do the Heat have being on here?

Well, 3 reasons:

1.  The Decision. You are taking your messiah like talents to South Beach?  Shut up LeBron.  Way to cut the heart out of your home state.  Jerk.  Go Spurs.

2.  The amount of people IN IOWA who all of a sudden claimed the Heat were "their team".  No they weren't.  Shut up.  I didn't see the sharp rise in Patriots fans like I did in Heat fans.

3.  And because I say so and it's my list.

Oh yeah, and this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAy0ASuYr9Y 

#7.  The Detroit Pistons c. 1989

The Bad Boys Era of basketball.

Again, actually, I liked Detroit.  I thought Bill Laimbeer was funny and I was oddly obsessed with his Super Nintendo Game, Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball.  

Truth be told, I didn't really know about the racial controversy started by Dennis Rodman when he said that if Larry Bird was black, he'd be just another good basketball player.  Isaiah Thomas (who has become extremely hateable in his own right as an executive) had the chance to reel Rodman in (see what I did there?) but didn't.

And they became more hateable.  But Detroit still LOVED them.

But those basketball games were fun to watch.  The 30 for 30 series on ESPN did yet another outstanding job telling a story about this - here's a little taste:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKLJuOlQ8e8

#6.  The Miami Hurricanes c. 1986

I actually like the Hurricanes too.  Oh, they were bad.  Terrible for the game of football I suppose.  Bunch of thugs.  Bunch of unruly thugs that didn't play the game it was supposed to be played and disrespected everybody.

Hell, I thought they were fun to watch.  "The U" was a great 30 for 30 on ESPN and demonstrated the rise of a college powerhouse.  I thought Randall Hill's pretend shooting in the Cotton Bowl after Miami destroyed the Texas Longhorns was funny:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zeL5yyjqWQ&feature=kp 

People hate swagger.  I get it.  I think those Hurricanes would be pretty disappointed if they didn't make this list...

Wanna know why they were ranked this high?  It's probably because you don't remember...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6CELCtl0kk 

#5.  Manchester United - dates open to suggestion

So, I'm taking a guess on this one.  

As passionate as people are about soccer (sorry, football), there has to be one team that everybody hates.  As near as I can figure it, it's Manchester United.  They've been so good, for so long, that people just have to hate them.  I think Man U is the most valuable franchise in sports and this makes them quite easily despised.  The fans appear to be incredibly arrogant.  

Very hateable.

Now, I'd absolutely love it if somebody - anybody - who is a diehard soccer (SORRY!  Football...), came along and told me I was wrong.  Please come and correct me.  I don't know enough about it...

#4.  The Dallas Cowboys, 1978-present and likely beyond

Oh, you hate Tony Romo.  Yes you do.  You hate him because he's married to good looking blonde women and he gets paid a lot of money.  But you hate him MORE than Tom Brady because you know, down in your cold, black, jealous heart that Tom could flick you on the back of your head with his three Superbowl rings and shut you up.

If you are wondering, you started hating them in 1978 when they were given that moniker.  They used to be known as "Next Year's Champion" because they weren't very good.  

But.  

You are American.  NFL Films said the Cowboys were "America's Team".  You never claimed the Cowboys, did you?  Hell no.  You hate that Dallas is in the NFC East, despite being located nowhere near the other NFC East teams.  You hate that Dallas fans get the benefit of East Coast Bias, despite not being on the east coast, and you have to deal with the arrogance of the entire state of Texas REGARDING A TEAM THAT'S ONLY WON 2 PLAYOFF GAMES IN ALMOST 20 YEARS AND WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THEM EVERY DAMN WEEK.

Oh, do you hate Dallas.  And you know what?  You're right.  Keep being awesomely right.  

#3.  The New York Yankees, from their inception to eternity

I know, I know, it's a little obvious.  The thing is, the Yankees claim the second to top spot on my list because of longevity.  The Yankees have been the consistantly hated evil empire for most of the 20th century.  They were hated in 1930, 1960, 1990, and 2010.  It's impressive, really.

If you don't particularly care about who's in the world series, you can safely root against the Yankees, because they'll probably be in contention.  

Oh, you love it when the Yankees lose.  You love it because they spent SO. MUCH. MONEY.  They have the highest payroll in sports and they can't win.  Makes you feel good, doesn't it?  

You love watching players like C.C. Sabathia, Johnny Damon, Randy Johnson, Jason Giambi, and Wade Boggs fail after leaving their first teams for the promise of untold riches and World Series Jewelry.  Yes you do.  You love rooting against that.

#2.  The Notre Dame Fighting Irish, from their inception to eternity

God, I hate Notre Dame.  No, I'm actually typing to God here, not you.  

I know there are Notre Dame fans who are reading this who are genuinely surprised that their team is villainous.  It is actually the fans who perpetuate this, and their insistance that Notre Dame is relevant.  Oh, I'll grant you, that 2012 (the National Championship year) was a decent team and that "Rudy" was a good movie.

And then the Irish got pummeled by Alabama and ruined a National Championship game and Rudy turned out to be a hobbit.  So there.

Notre Dame is ruining traditional rivalries in the name of TV money and some screwy deal with the ACC.  Now, I understand that's the name of the game in college football, but it's particularly offensive in Notre Dame's case because the program has such a deeply rooted tradition.  

I hate Notre Dame because they still haven't realized that only when all the tradition is gone, you realize you can't buy it back.  And they usually get beat now, so it works out really well for me.

This incredibly clever parody on the Real Men of Genius ad campaign really sort of sums it all up:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0Y7yjxJVlc

#1.  Team USA

Oh.  Uhhh...

Oh.

I’m probably going to take a fair amount of heat for this #1 selection.  But I am trying my very best to look at sports completely objectively.

Do you really think that when the only Olympian Uzbekistan sends in something like skeet shooting and he or she is going up against the American, that the rest of the world is going for the American?  How many people, around the world, have been cheering against Team USA’s basketball team since 1992’s dream team? 

Oh they’re going to hate us when we get good at soccer (sorry, dammit, FOOTBALL) and contend seriously for a World Cup.

You know why? 

Because we win a lot.  And we’re awesome.  And arrogant.  But really, more friggin’ awesome than arrogant.  And if Barkley tries to rub off a little awesomeness from his elbow on an Angola basketball player, well, that Angola basketball player ought to be thanking his lucky stars...

I was searching for the perfect sports villain to take the #1 spot and it occurred to me that the perfect sports villain was right under my nose.  And since Team USA is showing no signs of not contending for a top medal count in every Olympics from here on out, well, suck it world.  We’ll be the Number 1 Sports Villain.  It’s just another sports title we win – hey-yo!

The more and more I think about it Team USA being the #1 Villain, the more and more I like it.  USA, all the way, baby.

[everybodygetawesome]

Top 10 Rarities in Sports That Would Make My Life More Complete If I Saw!

Do you know what's awesome?  Seeing something that you've always wanted to see in sports.  Something like a record falling or a milestone that hasn't come along in quite some time.  Full disclosure - this list wasn't my idea...my friend Jon "Fratter" Froiland came up with this idea and I thought it sounded like fun, so here we go.  

As to what exactly I'm talking about, these are things that happen with such rarity if at all, that when/if it does happen, it's really note worthy.  What this isn't is a list that ends in #1, the Chicago Bears winning a Superbowl.  This isn't necessarily about specific teams, but can be influenced by specific teams.  I tried to avoid rooting for specific people or specific teams.  Still not clear?  Well, lets just dive right in and see if the list doesn't clarify it's self...

Top 10 Rarities in Sports That Would Make My Life More Complete if I Saw...

#10.  A Superbowl Go To Overtime

So this one has never happened.  The picture up there is from the 1958 NFL Championship Game which is, if I'm not mistaking, (and please correct me if I am), the only time an NFL championship - Superbowl or otherwise - has gone to overtime.  Johnny Unitas ran the 2 minute drill like a badass and Alan Ameche plowed over a hole (apparently the size of a truck based on that photo) to win the game for the Colts over the Giants in what was called "The Greatest Game Ever Played".  Unitas called all his own plays, no stupid green dot on the back of that guy's helmet, no stupid wrist band...

It rocketed the NFL's popularity up closer towards baseball's and the NFL has been on a stratospheric rise ever since.  

If a Superbowl goes to overtime, it means it was likely an excellent game.  Now, if I was a Seattle fan, I would have loved last years.  Given that I have neither allegiance to Seattle or Denver, a 44-8 drubbing was a snoozefest.  

We've actually been treated to some decent superbowls in recent years, last year not withstanding.  I hope that trend continues and I'd love to see one go to OT.

Do it already!

#9.  An Unassisted Triple Play, Live

See, the problem here is that I hardly ever watch baseball, which means that the unassisted triple play has to happen during a world series game, which is awfully unlikely.  Of course you can see the highlights on Sportscenter later, but that doesn't count.  

Ideally, you'd see one live in person, but I'd settle for on TV.  Honestly, though, this one's on me and probably won't happen because unless the Cubs pull it off in the playoffs (let's all let that one sink in for a second), I probably won't see it.  The solution here is to watch more baseball and drink beer...

So, Jon, do it already!

#8.  A Goalie Fight, Live

The unicorn of hockey fights - a goalie fight.  I've never seen one live.  I've seen those awesome highlights of Osgood vs Roy, and it just makes me want to see a really good Goalie throwdown even more.  Like, now I REALLY want to see it.  

This seems like probably the most attainable of my list given that Hockey Players seem to like to fight.  Again, this one doesn't count unless you see it live on TV as opposed to highlights on YouTube.  In the arena would be fairly epic.

So, hockey goalies in a game I'm watching...do it already!

#7.  An Albatross, Live

An Albatross is also known as a double eagle and it's when a golfer shoots 3 under par for one hole.  You can do this by either scoring a 2 on a par 5 or a hole in one on a par 4 (which is way less likely).

This has happened as recently as 2012 at the Masters (final round, even), which I somehow missed and when I looked up when the most recent albatross was, I was actually really surprised that I missed it.  

So now I really want to see one because I had a chance and didn't see it.  Oh, and Happy Gilmore's ace doesn't count, I'm afraid.  

Somebody who's better at golf than me...do it again already!

#6.  A World Series Game 7 Walk Off Homerun

It's only happened once, when Bill Mazeroski did it in 1960.  I saw Joe Carter hit is walk-off in Game 6, but that was game 6.  A bases loaded, 2 out, bottom of the 9th, game 7 World Series would just be a hell of a lot of fun to watch, regardless of whether or not there was a walk off dinger or not.

I realize this is sort of akin to saying "I want to see a Hail Mary to win a Super Bowl", but walk off bombs are a little different.  I don't even like baseball that much, but I decided that seeing that would make my life a little more complete.

So do it already.  When I'm actually watching.

#5.  Cleveland to Win Something

Okay, I lied.  I am rooting for somebody on this list.

The last time a Cleveland team won a championship in a major US sport was 49 years ago and there cannot be a more snake-bitten sports city in North America.  San Diego and Ottawa's droughts are longer (50 and 85 years, respectively), but they also have 2 teams in San Diego, and 1 team in Ottawa, vs the Indians, Browns, and Cavaliers in Cleveland.  

The Indians have been miserable, the Browns have been inept, and the Cavaliers keep getting their hearts cut out by the best player in the league, whether that be Michael Jordan or LeBron James.

I have always been a Cubs fan and while the Cubs' futility has lasted over 100 years, Chicago gets championships in other ways.  But Cleveland, poor Cleveland...I just feel sorry for them.  If it wasn't for bad luck, Cleveland wouldn't have any luck at all and that's just not right.  C'mon, Divine Higher Powers in sports.  Throw that city a little love.  Do it already.

#4.  A 16 Seed Knock Off a 1 Seed

It's only happened once, in 1998, in the Women's March Madness tournament when Harvard beat Stanford but there's a HUGE asterick next to that one...Stanford had lost it's two best players to ACL injuries days before the tournament started and was no where even remotely close to full strength.  It was still a 16 knocking off a 1, but that one is tough.  I wanna see a full strength, no excuses, upset for the ages, hence the picture up there.

This one is coming in the men's tournament.  There's an increase in the popularity of the mid-major teams, the parity of college basketball, and by God, it's coming.  We've seen a rash of 15's knocking off 2's and 15 seed Florida Gulf Coast even managed to make the sweet 16 a few years ago...it's only a matter of time before David finds just the right stone to take down Goliath.

So do it already!

#3.  A Triple Crown Winner

This is the one that actually inspired the list.  Jon Froiland had mentioned that he was excited about the possibility of California Chrome winning the Triple Crown and suggested that a list comprising this sort of thing be made.

And I DO want to see a Triple Crown Winner.  I'm glad it wasn't Big Brown - not that I don't like the horse, but his trainer, Rick Duttrow was shooting him full of anabolic steroid and has been banned in 10 states.  Going into the Belmont Stakes, the talk was all about Big Brown's hoof and how it had a repaired crack in it, and that shoe was missing.  But Duttrow had decided he was going to show the world he could win without injecting steroid into an animal.

Well, he didn't.  

I'm not sure if Affirmed (the last Triple Crown Winner) was juicing (or being juiced, I suppose) in 1978.  Maybe it's wishful thinking, but I hope not.  I wasn't alive to see it, but in my mind, I see Affirmed and his rival Alydar dueling down the back stretch at Belmont, and Alydar falling short for a 3rd and final time in the Triple Crown challenge.  Truth be told, I always kind of wished Alydar would have caught him.  

I wonder if Alydar recognized his nemesis in the stables and wanted to beat him.  I wonder if Alydar felt contempt for Affirmed the way Joe Frazier felt about Ali, North Carolina feels about Duke, or The Yankees feel about the Red Sox.  Or maybe horses don't feel that way about each other and we just apply our own emotional constructs to animals.  I want to see a Triple Crown winner, and I want to see it done the right way.  Affirmed and Alydar gave us races for the ages and are (and should be) forever linked in memory.  We need that again.

We might get a great story this year.  California Chrome comes from entirely unheralded lineage, from an entirely unheralded breeder, and from an entirely unheralded trainer.  In the horse racing world of blood lines, this will likely never happen again, so pull for him

 C'mon California Chrome.  Do it already.  And do it right. 

#2.  A New Home Run Champion

I didn't watch Barry Bonds break Hank Aaron's record.  Truth be told, I just wasn't all that interested but, history is important.  The night Bonds hit the homerun, I was studying - not at all ironically - pharmacology during my second year of med school in somewhat of a protest of Bond's breaking Aaron's record.

Personally, I think the ball should have an asterick drawn on it, and so should the record.  I don't really care if EVERYBODY was doing it, Hank Aaron wasn't, and he hit 744.  That means somebody else can too, sans the juice.  

So do it already.  Do it fair.

#1.  A Perfect NFL Season, Start to Finish

This would be an example of a team influencing this list.  

I can't TELL you how much I want somebody to knock the '72 Dolphins from their stupid pedestal.  Everytime the '72 Dolphins get their annual congratulatory "We're still the only undefeated team in history" segment on ESPN, I feel my blood pressure rising.

Let us be clear - the '72 Dolphins played a 14 game schedule and also played opponents thoughout the year with one of the lowest collective winning percentages of any Superbowl winner.  It is also often forgotten that the '71 Dolphins, which was largely comprised of the same players remain the only Superbowl team to not score a touchdown in the Superbowl.  I am also incredibily irritated by the '72 Dolphins insisting that they would still hang with today's NFL, which they would not.

The image up there is Garo Yapremian trying to throw a pass in the 1973 Superbowl, which was an unmitigated disaster and resulted in 7 points for Washington, who still ended up losing.  I put that image on here because I'm generally irritated by this whole scenario.  

I know, I know...I'm supposed to be positive here and the #1 spot shouldn't be influenced this way.  But....

Can somebody PLEASE go undefeated so I don't have to watch these guys get interviewed?

I wanna see it anyways, just because.  Because it's a neat thing to see and, given the 16 game season, the parity in the NFL, and the historical significance, it'd be pretty cool.

SO DO IT ALREADY!

[everybodygetawesome]

Ten Awesome Medical Stories

Do you know what’s awesome?  A good story.  So I thought I’d tell 10 of them to you today involving medicine.  This might sound a little dry - hopefully it isn’t and you find this as cool as I did when I heard these stories.

Full disclosure, these stories were told to me by various attendings through out medical school and residency, or I found them in medical journals.  I fact-checked what I could but some of them were somewhat un-fact-checkable so…take them for what they’re worth. 

Also, a quick disclaimer:  None of what you are about to read will *in any way* substitute for seeing a medical provider if you have a problem or are looking to prevent, treat, or cure a condition.  These are stories and explinations and should not be considered a substitute for medical care.  Do NOT assume that anything read below or a variation of anything below should be tried or taken without speaking with a licenced medical professional first.  This blog, like all my others, is for fun and interest.  Cool?   Cool. 

Now…since that’s out of the way, I hope you like the stories.  Let’s do this thing!

Ten Awesome Medical Stories (in no particular order)

#10.  The Story of the World's Oldest Antibiotic

Silver vies for what might be the oldest antibiotic in recorded human history and is still used today for that purpose.

The ancient Greeks, even Hippocrates (you know, the Oath guy), himself, wrote about the anti-pyogenic properties of silver.  They didn’t know what bacteria were, but did observe that when a wound became purulent (containing pus) that this was bad.  I’m not sure (and can’t find) the reason why they started putting silver in pus-filled wounds, but it seemed to work, some of the time.  This is why Hippocrates wrote about it.

As recorded human history progressed, Silver was used as a container.  It wasn’t just pretty - it was functional.  People observed that water contained in silver pitchers would not become “scummy” as quickly as water not in silver pitchers.  I have read that the Catholic Church commissioned church chalices to be made of silver for this reason, though even with the Internet at my disposal, I couldn’t definitively find if they did this for anti-bacterial reasons or asthetic ones.

Have you ever wondered by silverwear is called “silverware”?  Although these days silverware is rarely made out of silver (plastic silverware…sigh), in earlier centuries the wealthy families would use silver eating utensils and it has been theorized that this was because silver was perceived to be an anti-sickness (anti-bacterial) material.  Again, though, it’s hard to tell whether or not this was for anti-bacterial or aesthetic reasons.

Silver preparations were used for ear infections in the 19th and early 20th century - and today, silver is still used.  Have you ever been prescribed silvadene cream for a burn?  Know why it’s called “silvadene?”  The US Army also uses silver infused dressings for combat wounds and site a 33% faster healing rate.  An old attending physician of mine swore by them - and had to treat combat wounds himself.

I wish I could report that silver was, well, an antibiotic silver bullet (sorry).  Recent systematic reviews have suggested that silver dressings and topical preparations don’t improve wound healing.  But there is tentative evidence that silver urinary catheters and endotrachael tubes may prevent nosocomial (hospital acquired) infections. 

I always found it very interesting that some of the oldest medical treatment in human history finds itself into to the most modern of ICUs. 

#9.  The Story of the Gin and Tonic

Did you think this was a medical thing?  Well, it is and it's a fairly short one.

As it was told to me, gin and Tonic was started in India when British soldiers were given quinine water to combat malaria.  Well, nobody wanted to drink it because the quinine was too bitter.  Since they were also given a ration of gin, the rather enterprising Limeys decided to mix the gin and tonic together to improve the taste of the tonic water.

Seems people still like it.  Especially at Thumbs in Ames, on Thursday nights.  The next time somebody asks you why you're drinking a gin and tonic at 2 in the afternoon, you can tell them you're fighting off malaria, just like the British Soldiers.

#8.  The Story of Rabbits, Cigarettes, and Sinuses

So, there's two things you need to know about the Story of Your Sinuses before you hear the story...

1.  Cilia continue to work after the organism they exist in dies.

2.  The guy who figured this out was a chain-smoker.

The scientist who figured all this out was a chain-smoking Nazi, actually, and because of his political affiliations, his work wasn't distributed as widely as it could have been.

Essentially what happened was the scientist was working on rabbits and examinining their sinus cavities (you don't want to know how he got a good look at the sinus cavities of rabbits).

So, cilia are these little cells that have tiny little hairs on them that beat in a certain direction.  These cilia line the inside of your lungs sweeping up, up, up, so that all the mucus which has trapped various pathogens and bacteria all gets swept up, up, up, until it gets past your trachea and into your esophagus, where you swallow it and the bacteria is killed by stomach acid.

So, the same thing happens in in your sinuses.  Here's how it was discovered: The Chain Smoking Scientist (We'll call him Dr. CSS) was doing his experiments on rabbits and, while doing it, accidentally let some of his cigarette ash fall into the sinus cavity of the rabbit he was working on.  Thinking that the rabbit was of no use to him, Dr. CSS set it aside, and got to working on the next rabbit.  Something about the second rabbit made him go back to the first rabbit where he made an interesting discovery...the cigarette ash was no longer in the sinus cavity.  Upon further investigation, Dr. CSS discovered the cigarette ash had been moved down into the rabbit's esophagus.   This prompted him to do a microscopic examination of the sinus cavities, which discovered the cilia lining the sinuses, which prompted the discovery that the cilia beat in a uniform and direction pattern in both rabbits and humans, which is how your sinuses clear themselves. The irony of the whole story is that the very thing that discovered the cilia (cigarette ash) is actually something that inhibits their action.  Cilia are paralyzed by cigarette smoke so they can't beat in their rhythmic pattern, clearing the sinuses (and the lungs).  This is why smokers have more sinus infections and lung infections.  This is also why children of smokers have similar problems, as well as more ear infections (second hand smoke does the same thing).  If you or anybody you know ever quit smoking, you might know that they coughed like hell for the first week after they quit.  This is because the cilia woke up, looked around, and realized they had a great bit of house keeping to do.

So don't smoke.  It is highly unlikely you will make a similar discovery based on cigarette ash.

#7.  The Story of Clover and Cows

My grandfather didn't want to take a medicine that had been prescribed to him.  He said it was rat poison.  He was right, of course, but there's a little more to the story to his medicine than it being rat poison.  

"Grandpa," I asked, "I heard you're not supposed to let your cows graze in clover fields, isn't that right?"

A somewhat incredulous look passed over my grandfather's face.  

"Of course that's right.  Everybody knows that."

Of course they do.  Except me, until I took pharmacology.  The thing is, Grandpa knew more about his medicine than he realized.  Grandpa was an 85 year old farmer at the time of this conversation and knew a hell of a lot about farming.  

Because people are a naturally curious and inquisitive species, other farmers like Grandpa had made similar observations about clover and cows and had started to wonder why they die after grazing in clover fields for a long time.  The good people at the Wisconsin Agricultural Research Foundation put some real effort into this questions in the first part of the last century because, well, Wisconsin has a fair amount of cows.  Eventually, they derived a compound that, when purified, inhibits the clotting of blood in animals.  Now we know that it essentially screws up Vitamin K's action on your clotting factors.  

A rather clever person surmised that this could be used as rat poison and this was the rat poison that Grandpa was referring to.  You can still find this rat poison - and mole poison - at Earl May to this day.  

Let us break from the story for a second and talk about blood flow through your heart, so you can appreciate the rest of the story.  It'll be quick, I promise...

If you're a blood cell, here's how your trip would go.  You would come up from your person's leg after dropping off your oxygen in a muscle so your person could walk.  You would come up a vein called the vena cava which would drop you off into your person's heart's right atrium.  This is the first of four chambers in the heart.  The right atrium would coordinatedly contract and send you down into the right ventricle.  The right ventricle would contract with more force and send you up into the lungs, where you (remember, you're a blood cell) would find more oxygen.  

From there, you would go down the pulmonary vein to the left side of the heart, specifically the left atrium.  The left atrium would coordinately contract and you would drop down into the left ventricle.  The left ventricle is the monster and would pump you out into the body where you find somewhere else to drop your oxygen.  The right and left ventricles are responsible for pumping the blood to the lungs and the heart, respectively, so they're kind of a big deal.  Eventually, you, the blood cell, would find your way back to the vena cava and do it all over again.

Here's the thing - when the atria don't contract with coordination, that's called atrial fibrillation or a-fib.  When that happens, the blood can sort of sit in the atria.  Think of when stuff sort of collects in a river when a river comes around a bend and the water gets out of the main flow of the river.

Well, in the right atrium, that's not a super huge deal because the lungs act as a net and the clot breaks down.  But in the left atrium, it is.  That monster of a left ventricle pumps the clot out into the body and it can plunk right down into the brain.  That's called an ischemic stroke.

So people with a-fib would just sit there, wondering if a clot would get thrown to their brain.  If you have a-fib and it's untreated, your chances of a stroke are 1/10 in 12 months.

So, back to our story.  An even more clever person built on the idea and questioned whether or not this clover compound they named warfarin could stop clotting that you didn't want.  Essentially, if people had a-fib, could you stop the clotting within the left atrium that got sent to the brain and caused a stroke?

Well, it turns out you can.  A person who is properly anti-coagulated (placed on the right dose of warfarin), has a stroke risk of 1/40 in one year.  That's much better than 1 in 10...

So that's the story of how clover, cows, and farmers prevented more strokes than we may ever know.  The good farmers at the Wisconsin Agricultural Research Foundation got a chance to name the compound they derived and that's where warfarin came from.  And I got a chance to tell my grandpa a story, instead of the other way around.

#6.  The Story of Putting Your Mouth Where Your Money Is

Several years ago, a pair of Australian Scientists named Barry Marshall and Robin Warren had been studying gastric ulcers in patients and noticed the presence of  bacteria they called H.Pylori.  They hypothesized that the bacteria was the culprit in actually causing the ulcers, and did (and I can’t keep stressing this enough) real scientific testing to prove it.

They had the data, and they had the evidence to suggest they were right.  Unfortunately, they were pretty much laughed out of the building by all the other scientists who couldn’t, umm, stomach (sorry, couldn’t help it) the idea of bacteria living in the high acid environment, causing ulcers.  Everybody said Marshall and Warren were FOS (full of ____) .  But they knew they were right.  So what do you think they did?

They got a bunch of h.pylori and drank it down with a nice Foster’s chaser.

(In the interest of accuracy, I should mention that I totally made up the part about the Foster’s)

(But they did ingest the bacteria)

They then, of course, got some great stomach and GI ulcers and people paid attention to their research.  More studies were done and it turned out they were right.  Ulcers were being caused by h.pylori.  The research extended beyond just ulcers…they found out h.pylori was causing gastric and intestinal cancers, GI bleeds and upsets, and what’s more, could be treated with the right combination of antibiotics. 

Oh, and don’t feel bad for the Aussies, they got four million dollars and a Nobel Prize for their efforts.

#5.  The Story of Bones and a Headache

In the 1800's a man named Andrew Taylor Still (AT Still) lost three of his kids to spinal meningitis.  He had seen them suffer under the only treatments at the time which were unfortunately quite ineffective and may very well have been worse than the cure.  He himself had been subject to some of the "medical" treatments of the day that came with no scientific basis or evidence at all and didn't care for them (the "blue mass" suppositories which were mercury suppositories for constipation was pretty high on his list of things he didn't like).

AT Still also recalled something else - he used to get headaches as a kid and figured out that if he stretched a rope between two trees at ground level, and then laid down his head down on the rope right underneath where the back of his head met his neck (facing up, of course), he could fall asleep and when he woke up, the headache was gone.

We can guess today that AT Still got tension headaches and that the rope acted as something called a "suboccipital tension release".  AT Still had worked with surgeons and had taken courses in medicine and decided that bones and their placement had a lot to do with disease in the body.  He spent the next 30 years researching the idea and the branch of medicine known as Osteopathy was born.

At the time, given that the scientific method wasn't being used readily in medicine, un-invasive things like osteopathy were much safer.  I have read some old medical texts based on anectodal evidence and some of the "treatments" are criminal.  Still's approach was safer and he spend the last part of his life trying to promote the approach he invented. 

In the early part of the 20th century, a pair of allopathic physicians (MDs) who were brothers approached AT Still about incorporating his ideas into the medicine that was already being practiced - the Little John  brothers thought there was real value to what Still was trying to promote. 

At some point, there was a falling out between the Littlejohn brothers and AT Still, which was probably a shame because, personally, I think the Littlejohn Brothers had it right – that osteopathic techniques, used in conjunction with allopathic medicine, is an effective way to treat patients. Unfortunately, a big rift formed between the DO (Doctors of Osteopathic Medicine) and the MDs (Doctors of Allopathic Medicine).  Some of the older DOs still hold a real grudge, and some of the older MDs still look down on us humble DOs.

Fortunately, the newest generation of physicians doesn’t really give a damn.  Now, the MDs have been very accepting of the ideas…even Ivy League schools.  Harvard Medical school did a controlled study (real science!  Jesse Pinkman…YEAH, SCIENCE!) that found that osteopathic techniques aren’t just safe, but in a broad range of cases, more effective than medicine for various pain syndomes.  Today, MDs and DOs hold the same medical privileges throughout the country and the line between the two has become really blurred.  Frankly, nobody really seems to care anymore.  Maybe it’s different on the coasts, but here in the Midwest, we are more concerned about a doctor’s ability to treat a patient, than concerned with the letters after their name.  I work alongside my MD collegues who never question my abilities or skills, and I never question their commitment to humanism because, at the end of the day, we’re a little too busy trying to make a difference to care about letters.

Some of my DO collegues are surgeons and some are specialists.  Some don’t use their OMM on a regular basis, but I do.  I bust out the osteopathic techniques in my office, including the very first one – the suboccipital tension release that AT Still founded a new branch of medicine with.

#4.  The Not-Awesome Story of a Pandemic

Human history has been marked by periods of disease, none more prominent than the Black Plague in Europe which killed nearly ¼ to ½ of the population there. Make no mistake, we are currently witnessing a pandemic at this very moment.

HIV/AIDS will be remembered in history as our plague.  Because it is.  But humanity’s latest bout with disease has run a different course than plagues in the past.  It is a story we should know and while it is decidedly not awesome, it is important. 

This story, like all the others on this list has been criminally simplified by myself, in the interest of time and attention span.  The full story of HIV/AIDS is one that would take reams of paper and gigabytes of data to tell.  So forgive the brevity, please.

The earliest recorded case of HIV/AIDS was in 1959 in Africa.  A man died of an unusual infection and the scientists and doctors at the time had the wherewithal to save the man’s blood plasma, thinking that they may want to save it to test it for something they didn’t know existed.  I still think this is amazing.

HIV is a variant of SIV (Simian Immunodeficiency Virus).  The eating of monkeys is quite a common practice in certain parts of Africa and the current theory is that a person may have cut him or herself on a knife while skinning the monkey. 

(No, it wasn’t a sex-with-monkeys thing.  Get your mind out of the gutter.)

HIV is a retrovirus which means that it stores it’s genetic code in the form of RNA rather than DNA.  Why this is important will be discussed in just a bit.  This type of virus was a footnote in many immunology text books through about 1978, before something very strange started showing up in Emergency Rooms on the Coasts in America, as it has been told to me by some of the older immunologists and various physicians I have bugged for stories…

They called it the “4-H Club” and it was a group of people that kept showing up with very weird bacterial infections and cancers.  Kaposi’s sarcoma was the one that really had people baffled…Kaposi’s sarcoma manifests as purple spots on the skin and had only previously been seen in people with inherited immune deficiency syndromes.  The “4-H” Club consisted of Homosexuals, Heroin Addicts, Hemophiliacs, and H­aitian Sex Workers.  These people kept showing up in the ERs with strange infections and Kaposi’s sarcomas. 

And so HIV/AIDS was discovered.  At first, nobody knew what was happening.  People suspected the disease was blood borne and they were right – an old attending I had was a 3rd year medical student in the late 70s and remembers a surgical resident getting cut by a scalpel in surgery.  My attending said the resident became paralyzed with fear, and broke scrub right in the OR (a huge no-no) and furiously started scrubbing his hands in the sink, looking like he’d just stepped over his own grave.  Because nobody knew.

But people found out. 

Never before in human history has a global pandemic been so quickly identified, have there been tests made so quickly available, and treatments invented.  AZT was the fastest drug invented in human history in response to a new disease.  Now, about 30 years later, there’s real treatment for HIV and it’s a disease that can be managed chronically, rather than a death sentence.

If you’re wondering why a vaccine for HIV has been so difficult it’s because it’s a retrovirus.  Normally, a virus stores it’s genome in DNA, which is turned into RNA to make proteins.  Think of RNA as a copy of the master plans (DNA) and that copy being taken out into the cellular machinery to make proteins.  Well, with HIV, the master plans are in copy format, rather than the more stable master plan format (DNA).  So the virus tries to use a copy of the plans, to make the master plans, to then make another copy of the master plans which is used to make proteins in the cellular machinery.

Did you get all that?  If you didn’t , that’s okay because it is complicated.  The point is – the RNA to DNA to RNA process is really error prone and it changes the make up the proteins.  In the case of a vaccine, the protein coat of the virus determines what the immune system looks for and targets.  In HIVs case, the protein coat is always changing, so it’s kind of like your immune system always having to look for bad guys wearing a different uniform.

Here’s the point:  people figured all this out.  How fricking awesome is that?

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not trying to excessively pat science on the back here, nor am I remotely suggesting that HIV/AIDS is “fixed”.  I’m not.  HIV/AIDS is ravaging Africa at the moment.  It’s estimated that ¼ people in some parts of Africa have the disease and it will likely kill them all.  The resources are trying to be sent there, but currently, it’s a losing battle. 

Incidentally, George W. Bush has somewhat quietly done quite a bit for this cause, and should be commended.

For the first time, though, we actually have the scientific knowledge to affect a disease so new to a population.  As we now know, curing the disease and helping people extends well beyond just the science. 

I find myself wondering what would have happened, though, if HIV/AIDS had struck humanity in the 18th or 19th Centuries.  Would it have spread across the world like a wild fire?  How many would it have killed?  How many will it kill now…now that we know how to prevent it, will politics and claimed morality get in the way of prevention as it has in Africa?  Would the same thing have happened in the 1800’s?  Could the disease have spread like it has now, without air-travel?

 I don’t know.  I do know that people managed to recognize, test for, treat, and learn to prevent a brand new disease over the course of about 30 years.

And that has never been done before in human history.  Which makes it a fascinating story.

#3.  The Story of Dr. Galvani's Frog

In 1790, a man named Luigi Galvani made a dead frog come back to life.  At least that's how it looked.

Galvani connected the bottom half of a frog to a zinc and copper circuit and completed the circuit with a metal (magic) wand...and made the dead frog's legs dance as if it was alive.  As you can imagine, in 1790, this was considered to be supernatural and shocking feat, but what Galvani likely didn't realize was that this demonstration would be the basis for diagostic tool most often used by cardiologists to this day.

Fifty years later, several other scientists named Kollicker and Mueller who had studied Galvani's work built upon it and noticed that if you isolated a motor nerve in yet another poor frog and put it over the frogs beating heart (don't ask me how they pulled that off - but they did) the leg would kick with each beat of the heart.  In other words, they realized that there was an electrical signal beating through the heart which was transfering through the nerve.  This was a big deal because it let scientists know that there was electricity flowing through the heart.

Roughly 25 years later, two more scientists named Ludwig and Waller figured out a way to monitor the electrical impulses from the heart from the patient's skin.  

Finally, just a shade over 100 years after Galvani made the frog legs dance, a man named Willem Einthoven put it all together and created the first ElectroKardoGram (EKG).  The EKG uses leads attached to a patient's chest (like Ludwig and Waller figured out to do) to measure the electrical impulse going through the heart (that Galvani, Kollicker, and Mueller figured out was there).  Einthoven was the first one to figure out how to effectively and practically measure and record the electrical impulse. 

The EKG is the most used tool in all of cardiology.  It can diagnose heart attacks un-invasively, it predict if someone is at risk for surgery, and it is major jumping off point for all of the diagnostic tests we have.  It is one of the most important tools in medicine.

And it all started with a frog.

#2.  Another Chapter in an Ongoing Story

Antibiotics are arguably the most successful chemotherapy in the history of medicine.  

(yes, it's chemotherapy - you're using a chemical for therapeutic benefits)

The complete story of antibiotics is a long one - certainly too long to cover here and, if we recall our history, Alexander Fleming and Paul Ehrlich who found the "magic bullets".  The reality is that antibiotics existed prior, up to 2000 years prior.  You already know the Story of Silver up there at #10...it wasn't the only antibiotic in existance.

There is evidence of tetracycline in the bones of ancient Sudanese tribes dating back before the birth of Christ.  Tetracycline is unique among the antibiotics as it deposits in bones and can therefore be tested in this manner.  There are stories of antibiotic properties of the "red soils of Jordan" as well.

The first disease to be targeted by an antibotic was syphillis.  Ehrlich made the observation that certain bacteria can take up certain stains and hypothesized that certain bacteria would also take up certain antibacterial compounds.

As it happens, syphillis can also infect rabbits (those poor rabbits) and so this was the animal test as well as the bacteria of choice.  Ehrlich and and a man named Sahachiro Hata tested compound after compound before they finally arrived at the 6th drug of the 600th series.  This was dubbed formula 606, marketed as a drug called salvosaran, and became world's first commercially produced, widely available, relatively side-effect free antibiotic.

Ehrlich's systematic approach changed the way pharmaceuticals were developed.  This led to the development of antibiotics we know as sulfa drugs by the Bayer company, by the way.  This is the way you're supposed to do science...systematic, with tests, evidence, controlled trials and real research.

Interestingly, Ehrlich was of German/Jewish decent and signed a controversial document defending Germany's militaristic approach in the beginning hours of the first World War.  

Even more interesting than Ehrlich's politics were his obstacles.  Because he was working with syphillis, the tenor of politics at the time was that this work would lower the sexual inhibitions of the population and create an immoral culture.  There were also anti-semetic tones to his criticism and the financial success he enjoyed from his discovery.  He was accused of pushing his trials forward, and even had to testify in a criminal court about the fact that some people had died during trials.

These criticisms, both personal and professional pushed a man who's work helped save more lives than we'll likely ever know, into a depression that he never recovered from.  He died in 1915, of a heart attack at age 61.

The British Scientist Alexander Fleming had bugged people for over 12 years to pay attention the idea of bread mold as an antibiotic and had doggedly pursued the idea of purifiying a certain type of mold known as penicillium.  In 1940, a discovery by an English team of microbial scientists at Oxford allowed Fleming to solve his purification problems and by 1945, penicillin became a mainstream drug.

One can only wonder what would have happened if the problem had been solved 5 years earlier and penicillin had been available in 1940, instead of 1945.  It's impossible to know if the tumultuous political climate of Europe in the late 1930's had any effect in hindering these discoveries.  What if Ehrlich had been able to work with Fleming, perhaps solving the purification problem earlier.  What if penicillin had been widely available in WWII?  How many lives could have been saved then?

We can't know, of course.  We can only learn from the pitfalls of that story - I find a huge amount of parallels in that story with the current push against Guardasil vaccine on moral grounds - it is the latest chapter the same story that seems to hold back science.  What would have happened to antibiotics at the time if people had listened to the naysayers who said that the option to treat an STI will result in the total moral break down of society.

Think if we had lost the work that Ehrlich did to those arguments.  I find it chilling.

#1.  The Story of How Cows Changed the World

In the 17th and 18th centuries it was a very real possibility that you would die a particularly horrible and painful death at the hands of smallpox.  Smallpox killed roughly 400,000 Europeans annually and was feared nearly as much as Bubonic Plague. 

Edward Jenner is credited with the invention of the vaccine, though this isn’t the first time disease was used to fight disease.  Before Jenner, physicians in China and India practiced something called inoculation or variolation.  It involved (get this) the crushing up of small pox scabs and snorting them.  Cool, right?  Well, maybe not so much, but it worked…kind of.

Inoculation seemed to kill about 2-3% of the people who did it, vs the 30% that got the real disease.  If there was epidemic sweeping a community, it was probably a good idea, but it wasn’t perfect.  That said, it probably saved more lives than it took.

(consider, though, that if you get a fever after a flu shot that it used to be a hell of a lot worse)

In 1796, Dr. Edward Jenner made two observations that would change the course of medicine and, ultimately, the course of human history:  People can’t get Smallpox twice and Milk maids don’t get Smallpox at all.  Whether or not he observed this himself or somebody pointed it out to him is unknown (Jenner ultimately figured out what to do, so I guess he gets to take some liberties).  Milk maids were known to get Cowpox quite often (hence the name) and Cowpox was known to be quite mild.   

Jenner speculated that Cowpox was a less virulant version of Smallpox and that the body “remembered” what to look for.  As it happens, he was actually closer on the latter thought than the former; Cowpox is a cousin of the Smallpox virus but not the Smallpox virus per se.  This is splitting hairs somewhat - Jenner was close enough.

The observation that was perhaps more important was that people don’t get Smallpox twice.  Jenner put the two together and decided to try something (as the story goes):  He got a young boy, (maybe) permission from the young boy’s mother, and a milk maid with a nice case of Cowpox.  He got himself a needle, and dug around one of the Coxpox pustules and took said needle in the young boys arm. 

The young boy (who’s name, unjustly, I have never been able to find in the annals of history) got a great case of Cowpox and recovered nicely.  So then, Jenner led him right down to a Smallpox ward and had him start changing dressings or bedpans or presumably whatever tasks were given to children at that time. 

And the little boy lived to tell the tale, unscarred and unmarred, unravaged by Smallpox.

While this seems unthinkable now, that little boy in the story may have been the first vaccinated person in the world.  It worked, vaccination spread, and in 1979, Smallpox was the first disease eradicated from the face of the earth.  In 2011, with somewhat less fanfare, the disease rinderpest was declared eradicated, the second time humans have been able to pull it off.  Rinderpest only occurs livestock, so you probably didn’t hear about it. 

Make no mistake - Vaccines have saved us from the horrors of Smallpox (g’head, do a Google image search), have kept us out of iron lungs, chased measles to the brink of extinction, have protected the eyes and ears of the unborn (rubella in utero is devastating), and have saved more children’s lives than we will likely every be able to quantify. 

Of course the debate rages over vaccines.  You may have noticed my bashing of mercury up in story #5...you might saying to yourself, Crosbie, there's mercury in vaccines.  There isn't.  It's been taken out.  And yet the numbers of autistic kids rise.  The numbers of autistic kids are rising in un-vaccinated kids.  And now, diseases that were once thought to be gone are killing kids.

Let's make this very clear:  This has been studied EXTENSIVELY through REAL SCIENCE.  Vaccines DO NOT cause autism.

But you don’t have to listen to me about vaccines.

Ask those who remember what a case of polio did to a community who shared a neighborhood swimming pool.  Ask a person in the middle of a shingles outbreak how he feels about the chickenpox party 40 years ago.  If you know any, ask an old anesthesiologist or ER doctor  about intubating a kiddo with epiglottitis caused by H.Influenzae, when anything that caused the child to cry would cause that child’s throat to close tighter than a bank and suffocate right there in the ER.  It used to happen - it’s no joke.  Ask somebody who’s kid is in the ICU with whooping cough.  Ask a young man who’s had an orchiectomy (removal of a testicle) as a result of mumps (did you think it was just a swollen neck?).

Please, please, please don’t ask the internet or seek the counsel of MTV reality stars who are also hawking e-cigarettes.  Ask your Doctor friends or your Nurse friends - the older the better.  Ask a medical friend over coffee or a beer, rather than trolls on a website.  Or ask me.  I don’t mind.   (I especially don't mind if you bring beer)

And the word vaccine?  It comes from the word vaccus…it’s the latin word for cow.  And they changed the world.

And now, as a famous radio personality once said, you know the rest of the story. 

[everybodygetawesome]

Top 10 Team Names!

Do you know what's awesome?  When a franchise picks a team name and gets it right.  I absolutely despise bad, trendy team names.  If you are wondering what I deem a "bad" team name, well, it's totally up to me.  So there.  Let me list off what entails a "good" team name:

1.  The team name should end in an "s".  This isn't entirely a deal breaker, but this obnoxious trend of team names that don't end in "s" is something that probably need to stop.

2.  It should be unique.  Well, it needs to be unique to make my list, anyways.  The Bears are a great name.  It's also not remotely unique.  Names like Tigers and Bears are good, safe bets.  They aren't unique enough, though, to make my list.

3.  It should be regionally appropriate.  This is probably the biggest thing that I look for.  This is why a team like The Utah Jazz just drives me crazy.  There's plenty of awesome stuff in Utah to name a team after when it moves from New Orleans...Keeping Jazz?  Really?

So, I thought, what the hell, I'm making a list.  Today, I'm keeping the list limited to the 4 major US sports and leaving off the college ranks.

Wanna start with The Best of the Rest?  Well, I do...

The Dallas Cowboys - 

As much as it pains me to herald the Cowboys, this was the perfect name for the franchise.  It was Texan enough without actually calling the team "The Texans" and easily embraced by the city.  It misses the top 10 because it's not particularly unique.  Even though I said that college teams would be left off, the amount of collegiate Cowboys that exist hold this one back.  Still though, it is the perfect name for a football team in Dallas.

The San Francisco 49ers

If you don't know, and you should, the 49ers are a nod to the 1849 Gold Rush in California and the people came out prospecting for gold who were nicknamed 49ers.  

It's a great name, for a great franchise, with great uniforms too, by the way, which fantastically include old gold paired nicely with red.  It just missed the list because another "number" team with more significant history managed to userp it...

The New York Islanders

Pretty good effort here, given that they were located in Long Island (get it?).  I watched the ESPN 30 for 30 about the guy who almost pulled off buying the Islanders by essentially lying his ass off.  The stugots on this guy...

Anyways, the Islanders aren't playing in Long Island any more.  They're playing in Brooklyn.  So off my top 10 they go...

The Colorado Rockies

It fits all my criteria.  I dunno.  It's just a little too obvious to make my list.  I could definitely entertain an argument they should be on there. Keep reading...

The Mets, Jets, Nets, and...Devils

Sort of reminds me of Pac-Man ghosts but it is a little cutesy.  According to a friend of mine from New Jersey, this seems to be the grouping of fan bases where other New Yorkers like the Rangers, Giants, Yankees and Knicks. 

But, other than the Metropolitans, there's no real regional appropriateness here...

Top 10 Best Named Franchises of All-Time (according to Jon)

#10.  The Minnesota Vikings

I fricking hate the Vikings.  I hate Metrodome, I hate the fact that when the Vikings are good suddenly EVERYBODY'S a Vikings fan...I hate that stupid horn sound that plays whenever the Vikings get a first down, make a tackle, don't spike themselves, etc.

I hate that the Vikings are on this list.  But they are because it completely fufills all the requirements listed above.  When Minnesota got a franchise in the 60's, the big population in Minnesota of scandanavian decent loved the franchise name and it totally worked.  This was a great application of a franchise name that worked around not only history of the region but the current make up of the people who would be fans.

That can't be ignored.  Even though I hate them.

It should be mentioned, by the way, that one could make the argument that the Boston Celtics should be on the list for the exact same reason - appealing to Boston's large Irish population.  I looked around for evidence that the team was so named for that reason and couldn't find any.  But the Celtics were pretty well named...

#9.  The Detroit Pistons

It's the Motor City.  The Detroit Motors is a bit obvious (and stupid).  The Detroit Mechanics makes no sense at all.  The Detroit Auto Workers is a union.  Hmmm...The Detroit Union?

Probably not.  I wouldn't want Fox News to have an aneurysm.

So, there's the Lions and Tigers already in Detroit, along with the Redwings which was actually based on a bicycling club (bet you didn't know that).  Detroit needed something to pay homage to the auto industry that helped build the city.

Pistons is perfect.  

(By the way, I actually had this list compiled before today and just this morning saw the 30 for 30 "Bad Boys" which was outstanding, as the 30 for 30's always are.)

#8.  The Columbus Blue Jackets

The Blue Jackets are a great name for a franchise.  I should probably mention that they get propped up a bit, given the frame of reference of other expansion hockey teams/names chosen when the franchise moved: Avalanche (trendy and stupid), Hurricanes (hockey should not be played in a place where these are found on a regular basis), Coyotes (or in Phoenix), Lightning and Panthers (or in Florida), The Wild (huh?), Predators and Thrashers (what the hell are those?)

The Blue Jackets are a reference to Ohio's Civil War history.  Apparently Lincoln asked that Ohio raise a bunch of infantry divisions, and Ohio responded by doubling the request.  Apparently these people were nicknamed "Blue Jackets".

See, that's the way you do it and it's even better since the name was given so recently.  How much better is that than a friggin' Thrasher?

(by the way, this would be an excellent spot for the Colorado Rockies.  I think I was just so happy that the Blue Jackets managed to get it right, compared to the other franchises that have been coming out in the NHL)

#7.  The Baltimore Orioles

You know what?  It's a really obvious name and of all the birds that are team names (Cardinals, Blue Jays, Hawks, Eagles, Falcons), the Orioles are the most regionally appropriate (the bird is called a Baltimore Oriole for God's sake) and the team did the best job of nailing the uniforms to go along with the bird.  

Since Washington D.C. area teams seem to have a problem with mascot names (Bullets and Redskins), the Orioles seem to be the only one that manages to not piss off anybody.

#6.  The Minnesota North Stars

So, it's not quite as clever or unobvious as the Vikings.  But, when you think of Minnesota, you think that it's north.  Of, like, everything.  It's not nearly as subtley awesome as the Hornets, as historically important as the 76ers, or as beer-related as the Brewers.  The North Stars were just a great name for a franchise that never, ever should have left and I'm still offended and it's been over 20 years since that THEFT.  Screw you Norm Green.  I haven't forgotten.

It's not even as if it couldn't have been salvaged.  Call Dallas the Silver Stars (as a US marshall reference) and give the North Stars back to Minnesota.  It's not as if that precident hasn't already been set (Red Sox and White Sox).

Why don't people ask me about this stuff?   Well, they should.

#5.  The Milwaukee Brewers

Notice how they casually dropped the fact that beer comes from Milwaukee (Algonquin for "The Good Land", and the only city to elect three socialist mayors) and managed to invoke a somewhat drunken reference into the team name?

That is a wholly solid effort.  Never mind that the franchise name lends it's self to the nickname "The Brew Crew", it's a franchise name that stems from beer.  That alone gets you on the list.  You make Top 5 when Brewers references an industry in the city.  

#4.  The Charlotte Hornets

Did you think that the Hornets were just a cool mascot because Hornets sound cool, are wholly un-offensive to anybody, and you don't want to mess with them? Well, you'd be right.  What you would be missing is the historical relevance.   The British General Cornwallis called Charlotte "a hornet's nest of rebellion" during the American Revolution, leading to the City being nicknamed "The Hornet's Nest". This is why the Hornets are one of the best named franchises in all of sports.  Mixing city tradition with something that everybody in America can get behind, which just so happens to be an animal you don't want to piss off equals a phenomenal name for a franchise.  

Special Shoutout to the New Orleans Pelicans who gave up the name "Hornets" to switch to "Pelicans" which is also more regionally appropriate to make this happen.  

Good.  Job.  Everybody.

#3.  Canadian Hockey

The Canadians know how to name their hockey teams.  Lets run through them...

The Montreal Canadiens - okay, this is a little obvious.  The thing is, they use the French spelling which a nice little subtlety that celebrates the French-Canadian pride in Montreal.

The Toronto Maple Leafs - Canadian Pride comes out with the maple leaf on the flag.  I always thought it was a little curious that their colors were blue and white, but still, a great, not-obvious nickname none-the-less.

The Winnipeg Jets - There's a big Canadian Air Force presence in the city of Winnipeg.  The Jets is an excellent name.  They had thrown around the idea of the Polar Bears when the franchise came back which isn't horrible (have you ever BEEN to Winnipeg in January?) but the Jets belong in Winnipeg.

The Edmonton Oilers - You know they have oil in Edmonton?  There's a bunch of oil in the sand up there - now that oil has risen in price, it's cost effective to get the oil out of the sand.  Just an FYI.  People in Wisconsin are finding out about this... By the way, they were named based on a former franchise called "The Oil Kings" which is also pretty fricking rad.

The Vancouver Canucks - A "Canuck" is roughly equivalent to a "Yankee" per my Canadian relatives.  So that makes it perfectly fine for a Canadian Hockey Team.

The Ottawa Senators - Sooo...this one doesn't exactly fit.  The Senators as they exist today are so named by accident.  Apparently there were two Ottawa franchises and one was named the Senators.  The other, (the one that did the winning) was accidentally referred to as the Senators in a newspaper article and the name stuck.  The Franchise left in the 30's and came back in 1992, thanks to a campaign raised by one of the city's real-estate developers.  The city insisted on sticking with the name that had been with a team who won 11 stanley cups from 1917-1934.  And there's nothing wrong with that.

The Calgary Flames - yeah...this one sucks.  They were the Atlanta Flames (apparently a Civil War reference?) and Atlanta couldn't hold the franchise.  Should have changed that.  Personally, I'd vote for the Calgary Chinooks.  A Chinook is a wind phenomenon that comes down the Rocky Mountains and can warm up the world in a hurry.  It means "snow eater" and in southern Alberta (where Calgary is), in 1 hour (yes, one (1) hour), the temperature rose from -2 F to 72 F.  You read that correctly.  Not only that, but the winds are strong, sometimes gusting up to 100mph.

Plus it sound cool.  Why don't people ask me about this stuff?

Anyways, Canada Hockey Teams, collectively get the #3 spot, because they're really good at picking names.  

#2.  The Philadelphia 76ers

Have you ever been to Philadelphia?  Just in walking around the city for one evening (when everything was closed), I think I saw more significant American history than in any other 4 hours in my life.  

In 1776, in Philadelphia, the Declaration of Independence was written, adopted, and signed.  While Philadelphia as a city doesn't have the market cornered on "1776", it has a huge part of it.  When you walk through Philadelphia, you have to ignore that the fan base is the most insufferable in all of sports, and appreciate that the city probably has more American History per square foot than any other city in the nation.  When you stand outside of Independence Hall, as I did with my friend Brett Reich, it might occur to you who else has stood in front of that building in the very spot you were standing, and it might be a little incredible.

So, you name the team the 76ers, call them the Sixers for short, and get yourself one hell of a great team name.  

Why isn't it the top spot?  Oh, it was very close.  The tie breaker is below...

#1.  The Pittsburgh Steelers

There is no more loved, a more regionally appropriate, unique, and cool sounding franchise name than the Steelers.  Aside from residing in the Steel City (see what they did there), the materal of steel just lends it's self to football.  Since the Steelers have played tough, defensive minded football whenever they've been good, the name works even more.

What gets it the top spot, the tie breaker, if you will, is the inclusion of the franchise name in what is arguably the best collective nickname in sports, "The Steel Curtain" which was the nickname given to the Steeler defense in the 70's.  

You can't name a franchise better than this.  You could try, and if you were the Philadelphia 76ers, you could come close, but ultimately you would fail.

Well, I'd try - people should ask me about stuff.  Specifically, they should ask me about the next football franchise that gets awarded.  Because the name of that franchise should be the Rottweilers.  It's not regionally appropriate, but nobody else is the Rottweilers, they could wear black jerseys with brown trim, call them the Rotts for short, you could have a badass live mascot.  See how right I am?

Fact.