everyday-wallflower
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Your everyday wallflower
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EMPOWERMENT TECHNOLOGY
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You were never created to feel depressed, unwanted, alone or ashamed. You were created to love and to be loved, and to feel that you are worthy and are valuable.
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I’m such an idiot and I don’t know how to make things right. I honestly I’m such an idiot for not being able to be your safe space. I should’ve known better than to take your kindness as well as your silence as a sign that you’re doing okay.
I should’ve been able to see through you but I guess I was selfish the entire time and that about myself. My wants. My needs. I honestly can’t apologize enough and I know that there really isn’t much in the world that can change or make up for the things that I did, how I made you feel.
I just want you to know, if you ever find this and read it, that I’m done. I’m done with being selfish and not seeing you and everything you are and mean to me. Time away has taught me so much and I’d really like to show you what I’ve learned in terms of loving another. Loving you.
I thought I knew what it was to love. Turns out I wasn’t even a centimeter close to that.
- A, 199716
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Late night thoughts
Honestly, all that I am is a disappointment. To family, friends, the people who matter most, but more importantly I’m a disappointment to myself.
And what’s worse is the more that I don’t do well, the more I’m being held back, not being able to show my self worth; that’s more of a reason for people to not care about me.
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Death, is scary. But living, is scarier. Knowing that you’ll have to go each and every day of your life constantly being let down, harassed, abused. Is that something that you can really go through? Wouldn’t death be a simpler option.
It seems that way for me.
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The reason why I don’t seek help is because there are apparently a lot more people out there who need it. I’m just a small speck in that galaxy of those who go through things worse than me. Their anxiety; their depression; their suicidal thoughts; all of them are in a worse off place than I am.
I know all these things. But why do I still want people to see my pain? Why do I want to be more than just a speck in that galaxy. Why do I want people to care about me like they would everyone else out there ...
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Sometimes, or rather a lot of the times, I feel like the term “support structure” is only given to those who are privileged. Privileged enough to have people who care about them, privileged enough to have people who would want to be there for you.
And this doesn’t help those who just lack genuine ‘friends’ or people who care about them. These are the people who constantly yell out “HELP” but never get any in return because no one is there to listen to them. No one.
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New Year
It's 5 days in. My depression's been getting worse. I just feel so alone. No matter how much I care for other people, they won't care for me. They only use me to their convenience.
My bad habits have been coming back. The thoughts, the cuts. All of it. The only thing holding me back is the small piece of sanity that I have left in me.
To be honest, I don't think I'll be able to make it through the year. And if I don't, well, I don't know who to put the blame on.
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Dear friend,
I am that person that everyone can take advantage of and not care about what I feel. But I would still do things for you.
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The treatment that I receive is so obviously different. I wasn't raised in a privileged household, my family holds on to conservative values and I grew up with those values, I didn't have liberal friends who were "woke" either. Because of those things, I'm not able to go about being "wild" or "woke" like everybody else is.
I'm not smart and an extremely slow learner, I'm not good at socializing and I've always been that kid on the playground who always plays alone. I don't go out to your fancy places to dine or whatever bcs I just don't have the money. I apologize for all that.
But being exclusive to me and making me feel exclusive isn't going to help me get any closer to you guys. I try, I really do. But the more I try, the more I feel like my efforts aren't appreciated. I just want to quit but I can't because I like what I'm doing and I've already spent too much time and effort doing it.
Being alone is what I am and am experiencing. And having added on depression isn't helping me at all..
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Privilege is such a subjective thing. You don’t have to be rich to be privilege. Being aware or “woke” is more than enough of a privilege in comparison to everyone else. Knowing about progressive policies and not being constrained by conservative values is a privilege that most people don’t have.
So don’t just blame someone for not being able to understand something that you feel strongly about. Get that past your liberal brain.
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The more festivities/gatherings that I experience, the more detached I feel from people. Especially when I start to get smirky remarks here and there
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I try my best, I give it my all, I did everything. But it's still not enough. It's never enough. People still get ahead of me easier and faster than it takes me to even make an inch of improvement. The world isn't fair.
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You guys can stop with the whole "My depression is so bad" shit. You do not know what it feels like to go through moments of intense loneliness, nothingness. You just don't understand. And because you *actually* have friends, you use that "depression" of yours just to get sympathy. Just so that people will "relate". It's an insult to those who are actually going through hard times, even more so when you know that there isn't anyone who gives a damn about you.
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