everydayanewme-blog1 - Tumblr blog

[everydayanewme-blog1]

Memories best you live the moments

And yesterday i had a fight with my all time roommate. I love her, I really do. But I couldn't help snap at her for her irritating behaviour. Whatever. I was feeling so down because of that. I mean I cannot even tell how much. And then I closed my eyes and I thought of thinking about some good memories that would bring me to life. It was a misery to realise I didn't have any good memories, i could just smile myself at for. Whenever I remembered, I remembered I was adjusting myself to others. For others sake, so that others like me. But there was no real me being involved anywhere. The carefree me. The things I would really want, there was just not glimpse there. I decided from that point of time. It's just gonna be the real me from now on, the transparent me.

[everydayanewme-blog1]

A day full of euphoria

The talks with diksha are so enlightening. It's like talking to someone so truly about anything without any fear of faltering or being judged by anyone. Last day with my guy friends was not that exciting as I talked around to people. I was feeling judged, watched at, laughed at. Is that my sole purpose of being friends with people. To be a talk of amusement, to be laughed at, I wonder. Maybe not. People now are too friendly with me that they forget that I need to be respected cared for too with all of the fun. But whom am I asking of things. People who are not perfect themselves, who are dealing with their own issues. Am asking them to come to my rescue. And one guy whim I loved so dearly. Who knew I loved him so dearly. But relationship to him just meant some kind of a math puzzle which he gave up on when it got tougher. Life gave me a kot of bumps. Showing me the true colors of people. How weak everyone is. How they want to be around people who are strong and give up on people, man give up on their own good friends, without even trying a little to understand the other. Maybe they are too busy figuring out their own issue to be helping someone else on the edge of a suicide. You are your own hero. Your own saviour. It's rightly said. Everyone wanna rise high, everyone's there for themselves ni matter how much the opposite the show to you. Nobody knows you better than you. And that's the reason it's only you who can fight for yourself. I have been going through a lot of ups and downs lately. Trying to know myself more, trying to find myself. Trying to be someone am not. Trying to be someone whom everyone likes. Being sas for not being the fair girl. For not having the clear skin. Trying everyday to fit in to the perfect girls standard. But whom am I doing this for. If it's sadness about myself that makes me do this, I wonder. What good is all this if I cannot be happy with me in the present. What happiness is this gonna bring in the future, when I cannot even deal with the present. Yeah how will you cherish anything else when you cannot even cherish the awesome you right now. I was sitting there solving a problem today. And I was feeling so helpless not being able to focus. Yes. I was involved in a lot of things. Thinking who all are around, am I not being a geek. An I don't the right thing now. Is this correct. And I felt helpless doing anything. I wanted to run away to my place, my home. Then I thought to myself only I can help myself not anyone, they won't understand at all. And then saying this to myself over and over again. I got up. Talked to my colleague, took his help and solved a problem. Then we decided, well I decided that I will teach him something and he to me, everyday. After having broken up with my live, week it's been 3 months and 10 days, and I still am trying to get over him. Yeah, after breaking up with him, it's like I have a lost sign and i am trying to find that in every other person whom I see. And I try to compete that part which has gone missing since. I have been ignoring the fact all the people I deal with are individuals with their characteristic personality. Not any potential soulmates for me. Yeah. I think it's a phase that would pass. Given one real bad habit that I seem to ahve developed. Masturbation. I have to deal with this. Ohh. I will. For sure. One more thing I decided today. That breathed a sigh of relief and fresh air into me. Tomorrow is the last day, for my wait. I have been waiting for his call. For his one call to me that it was all wrong and that be would do anything there is to get back together. Because it's not someone usual, but it's us. Maybe I don't mean that much to him, to even consider giving us a second chance. Whatever. I tried hard, really hard. But things don't always work. Or rather we don't wanna make it work. Nothing comes easy. But we were worth it any day. Maybe he didn't get that right. Maybe us didn't mean anything to him. So yes. If he cannot even wish me happy Valentine's, what good is he in my life to long for, who wouldn't even remember me when it's the day you pour out your heart to someone. And things getting harsher at work. And am liking it. My manager left the place today, and I got this from him. "Nobody's perfect, and that's how it is". And am now getting back to the lambdas that I have been studying....😍😍😍

[everydayanewme-blog1]

When will I get over him

Everyday is a fight. Every single day. Trying to come to terms with reality, trying to come to terms with situation, with the world which is how you wanna see it eventually. Great. One day I find myself, the other I lose me. Great good god. Help me out here. Am looking for a small stumble which takes me to a new journey, my journey that's meant to be.

[everydayanewme-blog1]

Fallen in and out of love, what is that really

So this is the story of a girl who was really desperate to find soemone, someone who would make her feel special. Because she had no regards to do it herself. Someone who made her feel important, because she didn't think she was. Someone who would care for her, because she didn't care for herself. Someone who would understand her, but she didn't understood herself either. So what was it really that the girl wanted. She was wanting her prince charming, so desperately, that she would have even fallen for any frog in that desperation. And that's what followed. That girl had feelings for a guy, since a whole long year. He made her feel herself, that's what she thought. She was most open about herself with him, or more hiding to impress him, I wonder. She wanted to impress him, the natural tendency when you fall for someone. But the thing was that the only person who made her sway was someone else's property. Yes he was in a relationship. So there she was sulking everytime she had a good time with that guy, pondering over and over again how they can never be together. Or was that the case. Now the girl got needy. She had no one. She had no one to love. She had a lot of friends. Believe me a lot of. But the connection that you share with someone, that was all missing. That deeper connection that you share with someone, when you are an open book to them, when you know this person won't judge. Well she wanted a lot from the other person. She wanted someone desperately. She knew what all she wanted, but you just don't find a person who loves you like anything. That love, it develops over time when you have spent enough time with someone. This thing she did not know. She just wanted someone to love. Wow. Right away. Failing to see such things rarely exist. So. There she was. Struggling, feeling sad, disconnected from reality. In search of that special one. And look what happened. In all the chaos. A guy appeared posing as the prince charming, swaying the girl away with his praises and romance. It was first of an obsession that the girl had seen for herself. That make her tick. She believed in living in the moment, not letting the opportunity pass. And there she was experimenting with the new breeze in her life. The was real fast inexpressing his feelings, ohh yeah there was not much time. Just 2 months left of the girl's college. And everything happened really quickly. They were already hugging, two days after they met. Kissing three days after they met. As if they didn't have time. The girl was confused here. Nothing like that had happened to her. Was it right. Was it right to open physically to someone so early. She was so taken away by the guy, his feelings for her, his passion for his career. She found it all right. She thought to herself. She had found the one, and he will be the one. She was all happy, she had someone caring for her, listening to her nags, who was all over her. She was all taking about this to her friends. About how happy she felt. How nice it was. And there was a turn of events when she told this to the guy she was crazy for a year. Something was beginning to take shape. The guy has fallen out of his relationship. She was lonely. The girl was the friend, a ral friend of his. The girl just wanted to make sure, they were never gonna get together. And that she would go for the new guy who was all over her so much. So she took a chance. She asked her friend out. And she expected a bid NO, but she still asked. And things turned. She had put a thought in her best friend's mind who had just gotten over a relationship to get into another. What a bitch. The girl was blind to everyone but her. She didn't even understand that love's not a gamble but a feeling developed over time. You cannot just go ask someone that they love you. What does matter is whether you love that person, are you willing to trade yourself, give your whole to them. That's what really matters. The maturity matters. But here some kind of a game begun. Now there were two guys battling for the girl. And the girl had to choose. They opened her heart out for her. Because she made them do so, showing it to be an emergency situation. The girl playing a gamble, failing to see others are not cards to be played with but people with emotions. Some kind of a game and begun. Then crap happened. At a time she was going out with both of them. One day deciding to be with soemone and the other day to be with soemone else. Well you can call the situation pathetic. And finally she made the guy, her best friend to call her out and propose her. And that too in a better of days. Well played the girl. She got what she wanted, while using the guy who had fell for her as a catalyst. And there her relationship began. But does things that start this way ever last. NO my friends. Her guy, let's call her best friend that, was all into her in the beginning of their relationship. He even took her to his home place to make her meet his parents. But she was so taken aback by things. She didn't know what to do. She was self conscious all the time. She couldn't be the same carefree person as before. She felt as if she was on display for other people. So she was quiet, less speaking, into herself. Just thinking and not believing that the person she always wanted to be with us actually with him. Not opening up to him, thinking about others, maybe because she started it all on a wrong note, that making was not reliable enough to make her trust the building of their relationship. She was not trusting, always doubtful and for no reason wanted it run away from things. She had become restless. And who likes being restless. No one. And there it began. Things started talking apart. She was jealous. She was distracted. She was all into this relationship in a negative way. She didn't open up right. She was always the impressive self for the person, now she was vulnerable to the person. She was more into this thing and the other person was not. Maybe this killed her. She was tensed when things didn't go right. Aaah. Now she wanted to run away from things. This wasn't love. This was haste. And this was a big bloody mistake. Because this would haunt her forever when they separate. It's nice to be loved, great to love someone. But just make sure you don't start your relationship that makes you judge yourself or the relationship forever. Because you won't be able to live with that. You won't feel the love that way. You won't try to understand the other person that way. And love amd understanding my friend is the only thing that matters. That girl has fallen out of the relationship. She learnt a lot of things the hard way. How it's not fair to be playing with your and other's feelings. These are the purest part of your life and they have to be delay with that way. Cheers to the girl. Who finally has come to understand that, it's time you stop looking for your prince charming and be your own prince charming till the time your prince charming arrives.

[everydayanewme-blog1]

Don't forget the essence

In the rush, in the confusion, in the awry moments, in the fights, in the self obsession, in looking forward for the future...don't forget the essence...the richness...my presence...it's all beautiful, so much to hold and so much to explore...so much to live...so much love to give....so much awesomeness to witness. Gear up girl. The world's your stage, make your part the favorite one to play. 😘😘😘

[everydayanewme-blog1]

Stop and stare

And there's a saying. Move on. Coz there are great surprises in place waiting for you as you walk, run and move. Keep on doing things. There's no stopping you for anything. The only thing that can stop you is you. And that's not gonna happen my love. Things get complicated when you try you figure the minutest detail, reasons in things. Why don't you just go with the flow, and let the music play. Ohh yeah. New things, new happenings, new colors, added to your life. Bam. Pickup your brush and color the world your color. Give it the meaning. Give it your name. Your picture.

[everydayanewme-blog1]

He hits me where it hurts

So this guy. He had been my best friend. Well I don't know, things have gotten awkward. I cannot call him my friend now. I don't think I will be able to share things the way I used to, with the excitement at an altitude. He used to give me goosebumps everytime I was around him. Something told about him that this is it. This is what I will need. This is right. Us. It's us together. And that we are meant to be. It was this belief that kills me, makes me wonder of the teeny tiny possibility for us to happen. For us to click. And I don't know what it is about him. Why do I expect this kuch from him. Why was I angry for no reason during the placements. Aaah. I want a lot from him. To be his dream person. To be the girl he would want to be with. To be soemone he wants, will cherish. Maybe that's all I aim for. That may give me happiness if that came true. And for that moment, I strive, I struggle, I think over scenarios that should be happening, that should happen. And that just shatters me from inside. And that makes me someone I am not. And that deforms me altogether. Ohh Verma. What is it about you. Why do I want you to like me, love me. Aaah. I don't get it at all. It's like. I want something staged for me. I am hampering things. The real things, in quest, in search of an unrelated imagination of mine. Without even realizing it. Why don't I accept the fact, that distance. Nothing can ignore this distance. That reality should be cherished. To be lived. That things that are supposed to happen will happen. And they are gonna be so beautiful that I would be surprised by the immense happenings.

[everydayanewme-blog1]

Get that thinking to turn off

And man I have this bloody running mind. I have this task at hand, and I am all planned out to apply my skills and do this task as soon as that would take. But stop, that's not how things flow for me. I have a mind to feed. My mind, I imagine how it is able to process all the things that shouldn't be at my place at all. It's out for a run, banging on closed doors, unleashing new line of uncertainty, things to add to your thinking list, making your doing list take a topsy turn. Going through this pain of my running mind, I have decided to give it a rest. To be involved in the scarcity that requires the full attention, the full exertion. And there you go my running mind, let's take a walk down the road, and let's just keep walking forever....