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everyman0 · 1 year

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home sweet home

at least it used to be. the house is in bad shape since the last time i was here. her lawn is overgrown, her white paint is tarnished with dirt and grime, and the mailbox has fallen over.

she looks neglected. is that how she feels too?

she had no reaction when i showed up. when i entered the yard, nothing. i was trying to be cautious, but i stooped at the entrance of the porch and reached down to gently rest my hand upon one of the stairs. still, no sound.

having cleared my head before coming here, i could easily sense that i had to play this carefully. the house may be quiet but i knew she was watching me closely. its like a pressing weight.

"im sorry i left," i said, speaking sincerely to the plank of wood under my palm, "you were right. there was nothing out there for me."

the door ahead of me creaks open with hesitation. i smile as i look up at dark sliver revealing the house's interior.

"right! yeah, you want me to come back inside, but-"

the door goes silent, unmoving. i also go silent, regretting the 'but' word immensely. my nerves make me chuckle. "uh, heh, dont worry. i just want us to have an understanding about whats happening next, is that okay?"

the house shut her front door, soundless. then the shutters on the top floor windows flew open and slammed shut hard on their panes. two for yes, one for no. the shutters answered: BANG.

"no?" i questioned, standing up to watch the windows, "fine, you dont have to agree before hearing what i have to say first - i get it. allow me to explain then?"

BANG BANG.

"thanks."

i took a deep breath. here we go...

"i know how badly you want to keep me here, okay? if i walk through your door right now theres a high chance that door wont be there when i look back. you'll get rid of it, change your entire structure just to keep me in, isnt that right?"

BANG BANG.

"right. but i take issue with this, because habit is still out there somewhere and he will come back. you know that, dont you?"

...BANG BANG.

"when he comes back, he will try to kill me. if im dead he's free to torment you again. i dont blame you for wanting to lock me up where he cant get me, but in return i cant do anything about habit either."

the house is silent, listening...thinking. i made my way up onto the porch, stopping just short of the front door. determination in my eyes, i spoke to the glass panes - to the house and my own reflection. "i am going to kill habit. and when i do...ill come back to you. i promise. will you help me?"

and the door opened immediately, the shutters swiveled shut without another sound.

im home.

#evrymn0 #phase4

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everyman0 · 1 year

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touching base

here i am...standing in front of the house again.

i havent been here in months. i didnt exactly intend on coming back but it turns out theres some things i may have missed. information i didnt know i needed until very recently.

however, im not ready to go back in there just yet.

first id like to back track a little to what happened after i got that safe open, and how this has led me to returning to the house. ive summarized my conclusions in the previous entry...this is the full scoop. buckle in.

so, i went dark for a while after finding the safe. i wandered from abandoned house to abandoned house, mulling over my situation all the while. i kept an eye out for anything suspicious or interesting, but there was nothing. no ghost jeff, no cat, even the empty apparitions populating the stores in town seemed to be getting bored somehow. and neither evan nor habit showed up, of course.

i didnt stop posting because i was sad and giving up; instead, more so than anything else...i was becoming very, very angry.

at first i didnt fully understand why i was so mad, just that i no longer felt like crying over everything i'd already cried about. that well was drying up fast. i knew i had plenty of reasons to be angry, but each of them on their own couldnt truly encapsulate the raging flame of fury that was growing within me.

the thing is, i decided to leave the house to be better than the vinny i saw in the mirror, to find the answers for myself instead of waiting around for habit to finalize my fate for me. i wanted to take my control back because another version of me never did.

instead, i spent so long just...staring at that gun. i wondered what it could be used for, besides killing myself anyways. i read the papers about the house about a hundred times over and still, none of it was particularly relevant to me. it wouldnt have been relevant to anyone else either, which is why i decided not to share it - riveting, right? and the fireworks? i simply left them with the safe. what else was i supposed to do with those?

all of that was pretty useless shit on its own, shit a more depressed and inattentive me from a few months ago simply accepted. the real spit in the face came from the symbol on the bullets.

habit wanted me to see it, but why? it doesnt mean anything to me, to my knowledge. it probably should though, and theres some reason why i cant pick up on its power. its just another cruel reminder of how little i actually know about anything, despite this "true sight" i have.

why was no progress being made? because these tid-bits of information habit left behind arent puzzles, they are just crumbs to keep me distracted while hes perfecting his own plans. and all this time ive been thinking i was the one who was going to get ahead in the game.

i am furious, because i let him distract me again.

i let him waste my time, again.

i let him have months and months to plan my demise while ive been stuck on one stupid clue, again.

i let him scare me.

hurt me.

kill me.

even lose to me in another life. and in his own defeat, habit still won in a way. he gave up and i let him off scot free, just like that. im humiliated by it.

...

my plan begins at the house. habit's shit is probably still inside - i mean his actual belongings, not whatever he's been feeding me. im going to go through his stuff as well as check out the library. theres gotta be something more to find there.

i am ending this the way i want to.

#evrymn0 #phase4

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everyman0 · 2 years

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huh. weird symbol on the bullet casings. incredible that it’s taken this long for me to notice...guess thats why habit gave me a hint.

when i look at this symbol i dont recognize it. i think im supposed to though.

another thing to solve, to care about. a blind spot.

what if i don’t want to? what if i stop playing the game, do something else?

i have an idea: i’m done following habits leads, pretending like i’m fighting the power.

in this down time i’ve realized that all this messing around with safes and guns and stars really isn’t getting me places. im starting to see them more as distractions.

habit isn’t here to tell me what to do so why am i still chasing him? that part can come later.

i need to be prepared, by my own means. and i think i know where to start.

#evrymn0 #phase4

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everyman0 · 2 years

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#evrymn0 #phase4

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everyman0 · 2 years

Note

but.. was it actually the way out?

far from it. [V]

#phase4

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everyman0 · 3 years

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safe

i got the safe open. inside was a box of fireworks, some papers about the house, and a gun...with a note on it

the note reads:

"THE WAY OUT (or is it?)"

its...clearly not very informative. ugh.

the gun has two bullets in the clip, which i find strange too. like hell id need the second one if i tried to kill myself...id make sure i wouldnt miss the first time. but anyways...

the box of fireworks has "SAFE 01" written on the inside flap, so theres at least one other safe to find. hopefully i can transcribe those papers while i do so.

man...im so tired of this.

#evrymn0 #phase4

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everyman0 · 3 years

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since leaving the house behind, ive been exploring more and more of the town and the rest of the surrounding area within the walls of this place. yesterday, i found this safe buried in the ground about halfway between the town and the eastern wall.

ive no idea whats in this safe, nor how to open it. but there was a clue left for me on the underside of the safe...

so its another fucking puzzle. nice.

#evrymn0 #phase4

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everyman0 · 3 years

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inside out

im taking matters into my own hands. maybe its stupid...but sitting around wont make habit anymore inclined to act than if i venture outside more permanently.

lets see if i can get him to come closer. i have a few ideas on what to do next but i think it might be better to wait to say much else.

im sorry old house. i hope you understand.

#evrymn0 #phase4

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everyman0 · 3 years

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decisions made upfront

new timeline. new me. but no habit to be seen. its no relief though, if anything im in an even greater danger now than if habit were standing here right in front of me armed with his blades.

knowledge truly is power for creatures like habit. even the most trivial specks of information can become his deadliest weapon against you. hes meticulous, he plans ahead with an inhuman attention to every single detail.

i havent heard from habit in a while, but i know he is watching. i know he will come after me.

habit would loathe to lose a second time, after all.

so what comes next? i cant sit on my ass any more. not again.

the answer may seem obvious - if the mirror showed me how habit lost in another life, whats stopping me from using that knowledge to my advantage here and now, in THIS life?

i’d be one step ahead, for real this time. i can still make it out of here. i have the helpful insight of another vinny. this should be great news...except that i may not actually know anything habit hasnt already figured out and adjusted his fucking equations for. no getting ahead of the game that way.

im looking down the barrel of a gun i cant see is in front of me until its too late. even with the aide of patricks mirror, it hardly matters. habit has a mirror too - the prototype he obtained from his russian associates. i could very well fail and die...

or i could win in this timeline too.

no matter the outcome...im not going down without a fight. its decided, upfront.

#evrymn0 #phase4

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everyman0 · 3 years

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long time no see

hello. its vinny speaking.

been a long, long time hasnt it? at least...for you all, it has been quite some time indeed. for me, its only been a week since my last writing here. allow me to explain...

i looked in patrick’s mirror and saw the future - not a future belonging to this version of me, but another. i dont know how i know this, but i know it to be true nonetheless.

this other version, this other vinny, hadnt a mirror to confide in as it had been mysteriously stolen. this vinny needed only to sulk away inside the house, miserably accepting whatever came next as escaping was not going to be in the cards. it seemed habit would have his way after all and there was nothing to be done about it...

except, in the end, habit admitted to failure. he had become too strung out as the timeline began to come apart at the seams, fraying every which way. he had become self aware of his own short comings, and knew he wouldnt stand a chance against the monstrous vinny that he had helped to create in the first place. this other version of vinny...this other me? he’s the lucky one. he’s the one who got away.

myself, on the other hand...if fate will have it, then certainly i am the less fortunate twin.

the mirror is little help in advising my next move now. evan is still missing, lost somewhere out there beyond the confines of the house. i havent seen the cat again or any ghosts either. i havent heard from anyone this entire week, in fact. all ive managed to ascertain is the existence of another timeline that i am not a part of.

i am at a loss here. i really, truly am.

#evrymn0 #phase4

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everyman0 · 5 years

Video

youtube

As sure as Cherries were made for eating, And fish were made To swim in the sea, You were made To be loved a lot By nobody else but me By nobody else but me By nobody else but me

#evrymn0 #phase???

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everyman0 · 5 years

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meow

i saw a cat sitting outside in the middle of the road, just from where i had stood looking out the window.

first a ghost of my dead friend...

now a cat.

i haven’t seen a single animal here in all my time roaming around this empty fucking place. ill be damned to leave this cat up to mere chance.

there’s something i’m not seeing here, somehow. despite the fact that im supposed to see more...i feel like im now seeing less and less.

it’s like having blind spots i guess. i saw jeff, and i saw the other ghosts...but i couldnt read anything off of them aside from vague ideas - far too vague to even describe. they just Were, in a sense. but that doesn’t make sense to me at all.

and the cat...

well, even though i only caught a momentary glimpse at it before backing up from the window in a panic, i am still able to recall very specific details about its appearance. it was a large black cat with long fur and long whiskers. on its tail were signs of aging, gray hairs showing more towards the tip. its eyes were orange.

but why is that all i could see? asterion doesn’t even have a body and yet i know more about that thing than i do about some damn apparitions or a fucking cat.

needless to say, i was thoroughly upset about all this. still am. im just numb enough at the moment to find the strength to keep you guys updated. so anyways...the discord and i had a long and annoying discussion about all of this, and eventually patrick came online to chat.

the guy thinks i stand a chance in the end. i’d like to believe that...but its a matter of time.

patrick reminded me once again about using his mirror. it can show future events, after all. whatever habit is planning, i have to be one step ahead of him just like he had been with me before. as much as i dread looking into that thing, scared to death over what may become of me...

i dont have a choice anymore unless i want to go out like a pathetic loser. at least more of a loser than i already am. if i am forced to go through this endless suffering...i should at least make it count. im sure habit is laughing at me for thinking anything i do will account for something greater. he could be right. doesnt matter to me anymore though.

i have to look in patrick’s mirror.

#evrymn0 #phase???

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everyman0 · 5 years

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A PALE BLUE GHOST

over on the discord, i announced my decision to make another trip to the Edge to try my luck at finding any kind of clue that could help me make sense of it. patrick gave me a whole lot of lip about not using his fucking mirror and other bullshit, but ill save that for another post. this is a lot more fresh and painful for me.

going back outside was a mistake.

i journeyed the five hours it took to get to the impenetrable black wall of the Edge. my plan was to walk down its length, survey anything unusual, you know. obviously i wouldnt have been able to observe all of it in one day as ive mentioned the area it covers is rather large, but i felt some effort was better than none at all, and i wasnt exactly comfortable with the idea of spending the night this far away from the house. simple enough right? there was nothing out of place on the way out here, so i hardly expected what i saw just as i approached the wall.

it was jeff. sort of.

when i first saw him, he appeared almost like a reflection of me in the blackness. as i stepped closer to the wall, so did he step forward as well - until eventually seeming to step out of the wall entirely. we stood face to face, a mere foot apart, and i noticed then that his entire being was tinted with a pale blue.

i was terrified. i wanted to run away, but i couldnt make myself do it. so i asked timidly, "what are you doing here?"

jeff seems to come alive then.

"what? you told me to grab some stuff for the video today."

fucking bastard. i was still scared, but somehow i just knew he was mocking me. i frown, reaffirming my stance. i had to ask myself if jeff would even do such a thing to me...and then i figured yeah, probably - ghost or not.

"dont you dare pull that bullshit on me," i said, "those days are long gone." and they were.

jeff laughs. "don't you miss it? simpler times." he splays his hands out like an offering. "cant be all that bad to pretend, for a little while."

i squint my eyes at him - both of them. these days i dont bother wearing an eyepatch, since the point was for evans comfort to begin with. now it doesnt matter that i have a gaping fucking hole in my head for all to see.

i ball my fists at my sides. "i dont have time to pretend, and i dont have time for this conversation - so lets get to the point. why are you here?"

"to see my old friend again! and to tell you there's always more than meets the eye." jeff then taps a finger underneath his left eye, and a phantom pain throbs in my own empty socket. i try to ignore it.

"yeah, no shit," i say, and cross my arms. i was losing my patience. "if you're just going to spout vague nonsense at me like every other motherfucker does on a constant basis, i'm sorry to say but i will have to pass. i have more important things to do."

"like stand in front of this wall and bitch? is that what you're doing here?" jeff grins, and tilts his head at me. i just scoff, and deciding i had enough, i begin trying to do what i came to the wall for in the first place and begin walking parallel to it. jeff follows after me.

"im only bitching because here you are to distract me," i say, side-eyeing him, "so if you don't mind, kindly fuck off."

"i do mind, actually. why do you even want to leave? its paradise in here. no need to eat or drink, perfect climate, no irritating neighbors or awkward staredowns at the grocery store- you'd love it!"

i stop in my tracks. i hate that the sound of his voice is enough to get me to actually consider his words. but i do, and then i say:

"you know, for a while there, i did enjoy it. to an extent, anyways. you can only enjoy so much when you are all too aware of every little fucking thing. and maybe i could have handled the ghost thing, right? like you said, no neighbors or weird interactions. but then i saw this wall, and now i feel like a trapped animal - and im not okay with that."

"so if you couldnt see the wall, it'd be fine?"

i shake my head, "i came out here the first time to see if i could leave, and i wouldve kept walking if there was nothing to stop me. maybe i would have returned, after a while, had i done so. maybe not." i shrug, somewhat frustrated at the thought. "a wall is a wall, whether i can see it or not. seeing isnt the problem, the existence of the thing is."

"well yeah, but you can't just leave." jeff says it like its obvious. in hindsight, maybe it was. i could already imagine a few reasons as to why, but i wanted to pry out what jeff seems to think the answer is.

so i ask, "and why is that?"

jeff answers: "because there's...people, out there? like, innocent fuckin people, dude." well duh.

i roll my eyes, "im aware. but what does that have to do with me, exactly? habit is already somewhere else doing god knows what."

jeff looks on blankly. "we don't need two of you out there."

ouch. and unfortunately, on some level i believe it to be true. and the implication that i would intentionally hurt or even kill anyone like habit would...im sadly all too aware of the likelihood, really. it doesnt hurt because i feel bad, it hurts because i dont. however, i wasnt about to let this guy know that.

i say, "it's not like id be very social anyways. at this point, i dont think i could even stomach it."

jeff takes on a darker sort of air about him. "evidently so, based on how you treated evan. do you have your head screwed on straight, dude? because like, holy shit was that hard to watch."

i tense up, and i can feel a spark of anger rising from within me. guess it didnt matter what i tried to hide, jeff knew what weak points to hit.

"i was just trying to protect him."

"uh huh," he nods, "sorry vinny, but you're not the guardian in this one."

"clearly," i grumble, "but i was fucking trying, okay?" i was trying. jeff thought otherwise.

"yeah, trying to get everyone killed. thanks for that one, by the way. you've been self absorbed, irresponsible, reckless and horrible to everyone around you that isn't the entity playing games with our lives, and you can't keep pretending it's not true! do some soul searching. meditate. i don't care. but you're not leaving any time soon, so you'd better get used to it." jeff jabs me in the chest with a pointed finger.

it didnt take but a moment to process jeffs words, and ultimately, i agree with him. im a terrible fucking person. i just am. but i wasnt going to give jeff the satisfaction of me fessing up to it - because i felt like all of this was beginning to become unproductive bullshit and i wanted to do what i came all the way out here to do dammit.

i go to smack jeffs hand away from me, but i come to find that i simply pass through him like he was air. i felt the jab, though, even if superficially. this confirms my suspicion about the ghost thing, but jeff was different from the ghosts in the town; like being able to talk and acknowledge my existence.

i take a step back, "we'll see about that. who the fuck made this wall, hm? you of all things must know right? since you are apparently a plethora of knowledge of good and evil now. can you do that much for me jeff?"

jeff considers my words before he turns away from me to face the terrible wall, his hands on his hips, and his head craning back to presumably observe the wall's endless climb into the sky above.

"habit designed this gaudy architecture as part of his grand scheme. you probably could have figured that much, eh? but what you wouldnt know is that its been here since the very beginning, before you even arrived at the house." he looks back at me, "come on vin. you should know by now that habit is well prepared...even if this timeline is bonkers. you shouldnt need me to tell you that."

i grumble in annoyance, but consider his words carefully. sure, maybe i didnt need him to tell me habit was a suspect in all this, and maybe i could have figured that out just by doing what i had originally planned with scouting the perimeter of the wall. but...here jeff was, telling me things outright. it was a convenient time saver really, even if he was going about it in a bitchy way. i needed to take advantage of this.

"so, if habit made this cage to keep me in, why shouldnt i try to break out? why shouldnt i try to fight his subjugation?"

"one, because habit has eons of experience over you and you'll likely fuck something up really badly," jeff says, and turns towards me again. "two, you're part of this place now. removing you would shatter a really delicate balance. the house is a place of fluctuation, because there's not enough power to sustain herself. and you're radiating power, dude. would you really just abandon her like that, after all she's done to keep you safe and alive?"

ouch again...ugh. i dont usually feel guilty over a lot of things, but jeffs second point seemed to get to me.

i relent. i cower my head to stare at the ground. "i wouldnt have left her forever."

jeff gives me a disappointed sigh. "go back home, man. she's really worried about you."

i bite my lip and give the slightest of nods. i still want to do what i can to escape, and i hadnt forgotten about why i came to the wall in the first place...but jeff's words had me thinking about my desires for the house. in truth, the house and i have formed a strange sort of...i dunno, friendship? its the closest human word i can think for it. i would talk to her, she would listen. id even clean up her rooms, even though ive observed that she can do it by herself.

i think she may be the only thing in this world that can understand me now.

so i feel like in some weird way, the house cares about me. she has done quite a few favors for me, after all; favors that kept me safer. jeff was right again, and i couldnt shake the wrongness of abandoning the house enough to continue talking my way out of this bind.

it was time to go then. but first, i look back up at jeff.

"what about you?" i ask, my mood seriously taking a nose dive off a cliff. sad and desperate and pathetic and lonely. "you came all this way from wherever, however you did it, to tell me all this...are you going to leave me now too, just like evan?" fuck. "i wouldn't blame you if you did...but i have to admit, it was nice seeing you again."

and truthfully, it was - despite the treatment i received. its fine. i deserved it.

jeff leans in, and i can feel the pity in his eyes as he puts a hand on my shoulder.

"that choice isn't mine to make."

and then he shoves me away from the wall with a force that sends me tumbling across the ground a good few feet. i think it fucked up my shoulder. its fine. deserved that too.

and then i went home.

#evrymn0 #phase???#everymanhybrid

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everyman0 · 5 years

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WALLS TO BREAK US

so i know i dropped all communication for the past several months...and evans fucking journal might have you believe i sat on my ass the entire time but that isnt the case. I didnt intend on sharing this information, frankly. but my time is running out now, evans already gone. this account of events will be all i have left.

i cant leave this place. i dont even know where the fuck i am supposed to be to begin with.

there is a house. a neighborhood. stores. a town. but nothing has a name.

there are people, but despite the gift of sight i was given, i see nothing of them. like empty thoughts given a shell to walk around in.

i thought at first, a couple months ago when i was first allowed to walk outside again, that they were real and that i was simply too overwhelmed with shock to really notice what was wrong here. but now i see it. i see it because there is nothing to see. these people aren't people at all, more like ghosts.

at least im not entirely alone. there's still the house and asterion.

ive walked to the store many times, even got assaulted in the parking lot. Was that guy a ghost too? I dont know. but i havent only gone to the store - ive walked around the entire town. know what i finally realized, several days after i had made that exploratory journey?

there are no cars here. none being sold, none being driven, absolutely fucking nothing. no bikes either. no skates, no skateboards, no heelies wheelies or fucking feelies. not a single mode of transportation of any kind.

theres a bus stop though! thank fuck for that! oh wait, it's fucking useless. i have not once seen a bus in this god forsaken place.

imagine the anguish i felt upon realizing that despite being able to steal groceries just fine, i cant even hope to steal a car to drive as far away as i can from this hellhole. but it doesnt stop there.

of course it doesnt.

so alright, no cars. but i still had my legs, right? (and still do, somehow.)

so i figured if i cant drive away, i could at least saunter the fuck out of this place and maybe determine some sense of location on planet fucking earth. i set out. i walked in one direction from the house to the town and onward. and onward. and onward. for five fucking hours.

i found nothing.

but it wasnt your average nothingness like that of a long rural road, as it had originally appeared to me. no...instead, i eventually encountered what i call the Edge. here, the road stutters into an impossible blackness. here, if you turn your head, you can see how the blackness runs parallel to the world around you, bordering everything for miles. real truman show type shit.

the real kicker is when i discovered that only i can see it.

like any good scientist, i did some experimenting. kicked some cans, threw some rocks, all hurtling in the direction of the black wall. to my surprise, the items phased through it. swallowed might be a better word. i couldnt see or hear if the objects landed on the other side, if there was even a side to land on beyond the boundaries of ink. so then i decided i needed an extra set of eyes, and brought evan along a few days later.

this is the first and last time i let him outside in my care, and for good reason.

we arrived at the Edge, and evan was immediately annoyed at me as i had stopped walking just a few feet before the black wall. i asked him to explain what the problem was. he was like, "dude, you told me there was some shit i had to see and we have been walking forever. where the fuck is it? is this it? because it looks like a whole lot of fucking nothing."

i then asked, "what does this nothing look like to you?"

evan was growing more confused and angry, but i didnt want him to know what i did until i knew what he did first. i didnt want to contaminate his perception by revealing my own. i needed to be thorough and absolutely sure of our experience.

he threw his arms in the air in frustration, "a road, vin. it looks like a road, the same fuckin' cracked asphalt we've been following for miles. forwards and backwards, road."

evan took a step forward, into the blackness. i saw the tip of his foot disappear, sliced by the unfathomable wall. evan didnt seem to notice anything different, standing there with his arms crossed. so then i knew at least one thing for certain: only i could see the wall.

however, until seeing evan's foot just barely phasing through the wall, it hadnt occurred to me if i could pass through it too...or at least touch it. before, when i had been throwing cans and such, i didnt dare get too close to the black edge. i had no idea what would happen, and wasnt particularly interested in finding out at the time. all i could gather was that, just like the rest of the town and even the house herself, it was designed to keep things inside.

as it turns out, evan was not one of those things intended to stay. i stood there pondering silently, and watched as evan began an impatient pacing along the length of the wall. an imperfect, wobbly hobble across the street and back; i saw arms and legs flash in and out of the blackness as evan walked, still taking no notice. evan couldnt see the difference like i could, and he wasnt the prisoner these walls were meant to encase. so who was?

well obviously it's me. at least, i'm somehow a part of the equation i think. and then i figured now was no better a time as any for me to make my approach and reach out - touch the wall, see what happens, inwardly hope it just kills me on the spot, and so on.

but right as i had decided this, i hear evan angrily spitting an expletive and turn, marching off beyond the pitch black walls. guess he was tired of waiting on me, and you know ev - always runs in head first. i word this story now as if this is something i remember fondly about evan, but let me be clear: in that moment of time, standing in the middle of some fucking road behind a maliciously black prison wall, a wall of which evan was now beyond and impossible for me to see any longer? leaving me, alone?

i fucking hate how much of a hardheaded ass evan is sometimes.

i was so caught off guard by evan's sudden disappearance beyond the veil of the Edge that what that meant didn't register until several seconds later when i found myself clamoring towards the wall. i yelled for evan, then screamed for him. my hands meet the black surface with a loud plang as if the wall was made of glass, but the way the wall felt against my skin is indescribable. i wailed my fists against the presumed surface, the noise of the impacts reverberating loudly. this lasted a few minutes.

evan eventually came back...and he seemed just as he were before, except maybe even more annoyed as he began to once again pester me on why i was just standing there wasting time. he got his first round of bitching out before he noticed that i had tears running down my face, looking disheveled.

he changed his tune and asked me what was wrong, what the fuck happened. his confusion was telling - he hadnt heard me screaming for him to come back. i wiped my eyes, faked a chuckle, and told him it was nothing to worry about and that maybe it was best to go home for now and try some other time when im more 'in the present.'

i decided that i wasnt going to tell evan about the Edge, at least not right then. i needed time to gather myself back together, since the resulting panic attack had taken a lot out of me for one day. But even after i had taken that time...

i didnt want evan to know about the wall. fuck, i know its selfish, but i didnt want evan to know that he had the ability to leave this wretched fuckhole but i didnt, that i was trapped and he wasnt. its not because i wanted to spare evan the heartbreak of knowing his friend was doomed...but because i didnt want evan to get the idea that he could abandon me without consequence.

i didnt want evan to use this knowledge as an escape plan to get away from me.

not wanting evan to leave me wasnt the only reason i didnt tell him though. there was still so much i was uncertain about; hell, i still wasnt sure if just being outside the house put evan at risk. i took a chance in taking him to the wall and he lasted well enough during that time...but given what was discovered, even if evan could sit out on the lawn every day and not a thing touch him...the very existence of the wall was a dangerous game of chance.

this is why i did not want evan to go back outside again after this incident. i couldnt trust that he would truly be safe...and i couldnt trust that he wouldn't just run away on me. i completely fucked myself in both ways, though. he's out there getting hurt or dying or already dead because i pushed him far enough to truly fucking hate me.

even now, ive no idea what happened to evan after he ran out of the house. Maybe he never made it past the wall again.

maybe this post is the first time he’s hearing about it.*

*IT IS, YOU SMART BOY. I COULDN’T JUST KILL HIM BEFORE YOU EXPOSED YOURSELF AS A HIDEOUS EXCUSE OF A FRIEND. THE PAIN WILL ADD FLAVOR! MAYBE I’LL GIVE YOU A TASTE.

#evrymn0 #phase???

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