everyoneneedsalisteningear

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

Dear friend,

It is said that anger is an unprocessed version of sadness. It is essentially a protective mechanism, for people to continue to live lives despite the grief or shame weighing them down.

My anger with my parents, especially my mother, essentially stems from how they weren't there when I was young - when I actually needed them, and now they want back in, without acknowledging that they ever did anything wrong, as if nothing happened, and as if I am obligated to welcome them with open arms just because they are my parents. They mentioned the above with their words before, and they show it with their actions. I find this unfair and off putting, and I don't see why I have to be the one who changes, when they are in the wrong.

People tell me that I cannot expect them to change, or to admit their mistakes (because that would constitute them changing). So the best thing I can do is to accept them as they are, let go and move on.

But it does suck. Because the root root cause of everything, is that I feel I deserve(d) the love of my parents. Mostly as a child when I needed them. The way they are loving me now is not what I need anymore. In fact, I feel even worse the way they are loving me because they do not respect my boundaries, my autonomy, and my independence, all things I've built for myself because they weren't there. My anger pushes them away because I don't want them near, but that doesn't mean I don't care for them.

It's not easy to live under the same roof as people you have a complicated relationship with, when you know, that the solution to this, is distance. And also self-love and reparenting.

I know I deserve the love of a parent. I pity myself as a child for not really having it the way I needed. It makes me sad everytime I think about my childhood that did not respect my autonomy and I ended up doing things that were good for me but not what I wanted, and not having support when standing up for things and people. I want to make sure that from now on out, there is something within me that supports and believes in me, something intrinsic. I need it and I deserve this in order to move forward. Depriving the world from the value I can bring to the world is doing myself a disservice.

My love has supported me alot over the years, in being there when I was down and loving me throughout. He's abit rough around the edges and does not always know how to provide support in certain cases, but he always has good intentions and makes sacrifices to push for my happiness and well-being. His presence makes my life better in so many ways.

I still don't truly believe in myself and my abilities, unfortunately. I find it much more natural and comfortable to lay back into the whole "I can't do it" concept and just lay there, hope for the best. I'm having trouble finding the drive, as things don't look very bright in terms of my energy levels, abilities and skills.

However, I must applaud myself for taking actions for certain things that matter to me - This year has been a journey of self-expression and self-care. Whether it's refreshing my closet multiple times, getting my nails done, new shoes, new clothes, hair, house, and the like, it's all me (spending money to) set the foundation to build the life I want to live, and how I want to portray myself to the world. I still have some time to go, such as cleaning out my room, donating that pile of clothes in the corner, and losing weight, but I've taken action on the 2 last aspects of myself recently - my hair and face, and this is, I think, something worth applauding about. As well as research on nails, as 35 bucks a month is WAY more affordable than anything prior.

I've been wanting to do all these cosmetic things for so long, but my previous job was too tiring/time-consuming and it wasn't practical to do all this anyway. Now that I have the opportunity to, I'm so glad.

Another thing that happened in the last year or 2, is that I am really starting to get my finances in check. Next year by June, I should have sorted out my insurance as well.

I do admit, that I have spent alot more money due to the cosmetic aspects of my growth this year, but I would like to think that I am also more purposeful of my spending.

These are the above that I have improved upon, which i do feel somewhat more confident about. So we've tackled the outside, let's move back into the inside.

Believing in my abilities in doing whatever is still a challenge I face, and this would be something I will add to my new years resolution.

1) Cultivate a "can-do" mentality for majority of tasks.

2) Lose at least 5kg by Dec 2025.

3) Exercise 3 times a week consistently.

Thank you for being here.

With love,

S

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

Dear friend

I'm afraid of typing this on the train in a sense but I kind of need to in order to get into the mood of therapy since I am going to be late.

I wanted to discuss the issue of mum for quite some time, but I've always not had the idk if it's courage or time or what, to really dive deep into it.

I think that message from pa hit hard, because I hate to have to humanise them. I just feel its so unfair, that we have had to put up with toxicity in the house for decades and I get told i can't treat her the way she used to treat me (because she is my mother and she loves me etc). And the way she is compensating for it now is disgusting.

She keeps telling me she loves me and she wonders if I know that, and yes in a way I know she cares, but

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

Dear friend,

I haven't written in a long long awhile. Probably years.

I am in a better place now. Mentally and physically.

I have embarked on a different career path and hence life path for myself, since no matter what we say and aim, we spend so much time in our careers that it does matter quite abit in our overall life direction.

I went to a concert recently, and it dawned on me how I did not keep up with this singers updates properly for the past 4 years or so. And I realised that whilst I was in my previous job, time just passed like it was nothing, and I barely remember anything from 2020 to 2023. I can't differentiate between the years, and it takes so much effort to identify or recall any notable memories. I was in a state of survival and it was so tiring, to say the least. The people really helped me through like no other. And they have been so kind.

But I have chosen a different path now, one that I will aim, with all of my might, not for it to take over my life, and for me to make core memories with people I care for, throughout, that I will remember.

With love,

S

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

Dear Friend

It's been awhile. I've been having a terrible last few days in a sense that I've been crying myself to sleep, having no time for myself, and stressing about anything and everything. I know l I need is a break and some time off for myself, but I am unable to obtain it without compromising my work. I'm actually surprised I haven't broken down yet or had an attack. My chest hurts so much so often, and my mood has been low. The feeling of being undeserving of love is stronger than before, and 8 have no self-compassion left. I haven't seen my psychologist for about a month plus already and perhaps it's also the issue? What bums me out is that, I can still do my job. It's just that I'm suppressing my true self and thoughts and emotions, and I'm going through the motions like a robot in work mode. I can only sit here and talk to you today because technically I start work at 9am instead of 8.30 this week, and I won't feel guilty doing so.

I was then also stressed this morning that if I took time off, would people then trust me less?

Currently I want to cry but I can't cry. I'm so sick of this suppressed feeling, I want to let it all out. It's like I'm choking on some emotions that I won't let myself express, and it's making me feel worse.

On one hand yes I'm more functional but really... At what cost? And I can't even just randomly take an AL coz I don't have any, and neither can I take an MC because well. I haven't had a serious attack. I just feel like if I continue this week, likely I will. And this week is too eventful for me to have an attack. I want to make sure my bby gets the best birthday he deserves.

It's so sad that the only time I have to myself currently is this early half an hour in a hospital toilet. I don't know what to think anymore. I held it in and didn't tell him I was already crying last night when he said goodnight. It was my issues and I know he will scold me for not telling him, but it's not his issue to bear. I just want to sleep.

I've had fleeting thoughts of suicide recently. Walking in front of a vehicle, overdosing on meds. But just random visualisations then it will stop straight away, because I know it would devastate the people who love me and whom I love. So these get stopped relatively quickly.

Not sure what to do now although loud and urgent sounds are triggering. I want to sit in the floor but I can't decide where.

Update 9am

Finally I started crying - I miss the truly good times, I haven't had an actual happy day in so long. I started singing Feel My Rhythm by Red Velvet, then Island in The Sun by Simple Plan. Those simple and happy days...Where did they go? Will they come back?

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

Dear friend

It's 15 Oct. I've worked a 6 day week today.

I cried myself to sleep for the first time in a few weeks. I don't feel well. My head keeps repeating "I want to die". In many ways I brought this situation on myself - with my presentation and other work commitments being procrastinated, but if I'm not wrong, I was also occupied with other things during that period as well.

I feel sick and tired to the bone. I am now more sure that I can't do this job. In yes, I can survive, but they say the cause of burnout is a lack of enforcing your boundaries and knowing your limitations. Last night I had a recurring thought - what if this job itself already pushes my boundaries? What if it alone already exceeds what I can handle?

This period of time I have done nothing but work, and yet I still have more work to do. I have done nothing but work, eat, sleep, and I wake up the next day to more work. Every few weeks I tend to relapse into this state where my energy management/Boundaries don't hold up as well, but I'm tired of it. I really want to quit.

Since I started looking for jobs, I feel that my soul is no longer in my work, it's as if I have left already- and I feel so much freedom. However I don't really want to be soulless at work, but it's the only way I can survive. Isn't it sad? We're supposed to care for patients with our heart, but in order to do so, we need to keep our heart out of the matters. I've spoke to my bb before about this and yes this is likely true and inevitable, but it sucks. Also I'm very drained even though my soul is no longer at work! So what does this say??

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

You get good at what you practice.

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

I needed a hero in my life. Which could be why I envisioned to be who I am striving towards. But what if I just want a comfortable, average life? What if being the best and being the reliable, responsible, go-to person isn’t what I want anymore?

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

Dear Friend, 

i am currently on leave for 2 days by accident due to medical appointment rescheduling. I am so happy to be well rested, but also so wrecked and chest-hurting by the end of the day once distractions are gone. I won’t see it as a bad thing though.

There are a few things which i would like to address and put out here, just because i think keeping it to myself in a clusterfuck of mess in my head is not useful at all, and counselling is too expensive to let her listen to my rambles and it should ideally be more on the “active” side where she can use her experience and knowledge and guidance to help me. 

Firstly its the guilt and all that i’ve felt over the weekend and today because i have not done any work at all. I really had a strong urge to cry last night, but in the end i realised its not actually worth crying about. My trigger last night was out of self-pity and guilt, that i am a useless human being as i didn’t manage to get any work done over the weekend nor do anything “productive” like work or chores or errands and all. But i do think that there are many other things that i have achieved, such as meeting with a close friend, spending alot of time with family, resting, dabbling in hobbies like skincare, shopping, musuem hopping, dressing up, makeup, games, delicious food and videos etc. Then i realised that i spent the weekend the way it was meant to be spent - for rest and recuperation. 

Sorry my mother is talking in an excessively loud voice and i’m getting riled up just by the sound of it. She pointed a very aggressive finger at me just a few hours ago ordering me to clean up a table we have in the room and i just thought it was so rude, so i just ignored her. No one should ever point a finger in your face. 

Okay i have put on earphones and listening to soothing music. 

I was sharing with my close friend during our meet-up, that everything in my life culminates on me passing my probation at work, because without my job, my 4 years in university would be wasted, and i would have to pay back 50k worth of scholarship bond, find a new job, and start anew in another place (provided i even get hired, because the reason of losing my job would be due to incompetence). And without a salary - i can’t pay insurance, i can’t pay allowance to my parents, i can’t buy clothes or skincare or any of the lifestyle i even have now or in the future. Literally i won’t be able to have a life or a future if i don’t pass probation. I thought of putting down a list of feedback that have been given to me over the last few months as to the main things i need to work on to pass probation - just to give me a sense of direction and that i am doing something wrt this life-or-death moment, instead of simply relying on experience and that “it will be okay” like i used to with day-to-day work. 

because i’ve been dreading work so much and i actually find acting professional very tiring and draining, i’ve been considering many things - whether this job is something i can do for decades or if i’m even cut out for working (which i know, is a weird ass thing to think about but i really feel that way)

my journey with probation has been a rocky one. Seniors have tried understanding, tried shadowing, tried feedbacking+++, stressing me out+++, or just leaving me to it. i tried to stress myself out, i tried to overwork myself saying that as long as i work hard, things will work out (it didn’t, it got worse as i made more careless mistakes), i tried to listen and emulate everybody i saw, i contemplated suicide, i tried meditation, i tried sleeping pills, i took MCs from breakdowns, i tried talking with family and friends (some helpful some not), i tried different mindsets - “its just work” vs “i nEED to do this” vs “let me just survive” vs “i need to do my best for patients!!” vs “i am already doing my best” and all. Recently i think i have to create a better work-life personality barrier as if not, i will die and burnout. 

its just - on one hand, passing my probation to be in this profession for decades to come is the most important thing, but at the same time, i don’t really want it to be the rest of my life. i cannot imagine myself struggling like this day-to-day everyday, forever. Because once i get good at one area, i get moved up to the next level. So i am just forever struggling. i don’t know if i can take this. i used to think i wanted a career that constantly challenges me intellectually and requires a personality that i would respect, and surround myself with people who are mostly kind-hearted and want to do morally correct things. But just to even THINK about going back to work on Wednesday and having to put on the “professional front” and having this hectic lifestyle where people keep expecting you to get everything done in a short amount of time, look unfazed and shit whilst dealing with such high stakes, i just don’t know if i want this to be my life anymore. On paper, in terms of ideals, it did seem like the best idea, but i don’t know now. 

Previously, before my previous counselling session, I did find something that binded me to this profession abit better - setting a long-term goal within the profession. For me, i thought of moving to a different type of work environment though still in the same profession - one that is less stressful and contains more of the type of work i am interested in achieving with patients (at least what i can tell from my ~1 year in this profession). I also thought of doing graduate studies abroad - to specialise, and also to gain some abroad experience. Ideally and if i see things from above, this profession still has alot to offer to my soul. But the day-to-day ground work is so energy-sapping and just..... so draining, that i don’t know if i can tolerate this. I do wonder if its just a matter of resilience, but i just see how long i have tolerated my poor mental health of undiagnosed and untreated anxiety and depression to the point of multiple suicide thoughts for YEARS, and i don’t think my resilience is that bad. At least - i think i managed to see the purpose in life or that it was just too troublesome or effortful to die lol over the few years. But resilience in a high-stress, high-speed environment where you have to make quick decisions of high-stakes.... tbh this is the very reason why i didn’t choose a few other professions. I wanted a more easy going job but also meaningful and within this sector. But in order to get there - to move on to a different work environment... i need to survive this bond.....is it even worth it? I want to think back to when i was in school - how much drive i had to help people achieve their goals and the creativity and personal bond it took to achieve that. I frequently wondered what happened in my current work environment that caused such poor results sometimes - but seeing the conditions for myself, i understand why - many things are out of our control and we can only do what we can. There is a skill i want to perfect and master here as that will be useful down the road (”DP”). I will draw out a mindmap tomorrow. 

Things to do to pass probation:

- Collate feedback

- DP flowchart

- SF6

okay i’m done with the above. 

i feel that i’ve been so harped up about passing fucking probation that i have no life. its just very annoying because my parents are still telling me to be productive - day and night. And what they define as productive is work (they know i need to pass probation and shit coz my stressed out self vents sometimes) and chores. Then they tell me today (where i have literally rested the whole damn day) that they have never seen me smile so much and be so happy. Well wanna guess why? ? It’s annoying when you realise they have been telling you this shit since you were a kid, no wonder i always feel so fucking guilty whenever i take breaks or decide to put my own happiness before “productivity”. 

It’s dumb though, because no matter how much i worry and THINK that “I HAVE TO PASS PROBATION” and all that, there’s no point if i’m not actually doing anything about it. And i think i stressed myself out (also my seniors and my parents stressed me out) so much that i’m so scared that i will breakdown or even entertain the idea that i might fail, that i don’t even dare to do anything about it. So i’m just glad i finally made that list above. 

It would also be good if i firstly, stopped using words like “need” and “should” (i just edited the start of this sentence haha), but also that i solidify my long-term goal abit better. Do i intend to be an educator as well? 

Thing is, the progression in my profession is so hierachical and systematic, that its pretty standard for all new joinees. But i don’t really want to go down this route. I wish i didn’t join my current workplace now. This is not what i intended to do - i wanted to work in other types of environment since the start when i considered doing this for a living. But now i need to go through this system for 4 years and not get fired or burnt out to the point of committing suicide, or i will be in debt and rely on my parents again (and also, making everyone start to worry about me again and treat me like a child again.) sounds sucky as fuck. 

I’ll just take this as “good learning opportunity” and i will leave once my bond is up. Because all these knowledge and skills are still useful for future. The knowledge definitely is able to carryover, and in terms of skills - multitasking, DP like i mentioned above, keeping calm in high-stakes decisions, PR, planning (time, resources) and teamwork, i think these are all carryover material. 

I just need to keep reminding myself of my time during student days (2,3,4) and volunteering days. That’s what got me into the profession, and that will allow me to see further than tomorrow to survive for..

And other personal counselling thingos: Having my own opinions and thoughts, and standing up for them. Is a thing i want to cultivate. Reducing self-doubt and all. Perhaps I can try the whole accepting the cause and all, maybe that will help with mitigating the damages like my counsellor mentioned last session. Anyway that is her strong point. Might as well get value for money. Perhaps even things like what i comment on YT, or here on tumblr, things i like/dislike - these are all aspects of my own opinions and beliefs already. Perhaps this is worth diving into. 

Thanks for sorting things out with me! We will be lifelong friends. 

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

Dear Friend

I want to die. I'd rather die than do my shitty rushed presentation tomorrow and risk humiliation in front of all my seniors and colleagues. I'd rather die than sleep late and have to see patients anyway for a full day schedule. Kill me. Kill me now.

I have 10 tabs of Xanax. Is that enough?

How the hell am I going to do this? I can't keep doing this everytime I have to give a presentation. This isn't sustainable. I don't want to do this anymore. Is this really what I'm meant to do? If I survive one more day, what does it mean? Why does it matter? It's just trials and tribulations again and again and then what?

I don't want to do this anymore. This work is too stressful and too tiring, and it's obviously not suited for me... I just want to quit. But I can't obviously due to my scholarship but what's the point of surviving day-to-day? I can't remember the last time I was actually very happy after a full day of seeing patients. Yes I felt like I achieved things and betterred people's lives but at what cost? My own mental and physical health!

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

Dear friend, 

I wish i updated you more often. I can’t even put a date to this except its 2 days before a big presentation - so you know. 

I am going through a difficult time now. I just confessed to my best friend - the girl I have had the crush on for nearly 4 years now (other than during the period where I was dating my ex - where I had thoroughly convinced myself to give up and that she will never see me that way etc) and I was friendzoned again. 

The thing is, I feel like I lost her. I’m so scared that we will never be the same again but she has promised me she will continue to hang out with me and ask me out for movies, and I have promised her and myself that I will stick by her side no matter what. Whichever guy dates her in the future will have to go through me - if he ever hurts her, he is dead meat. Anywho, we have tried to continue some kind of contact since 3 days ago where that happened, just to make sure that we are still good as friends. I really really care for her and I am not going to lose her. I am just very confused now essentially. 

Because she was always my fantasy. My long-term fantasy, and I always allowed myself to indulge in them because the whole time I kept thinking that she would never see me that way and that she is straight. But then over the past few months, as I started to hang out with her more and talk to her more and the feelings intensified and we got closer than ever, I realised that I really do love her. And I do want to be with her. I could imagine a future with her, and she is really the best person in terms of temperament to compliment me. She always made me feel safe and heard, and we finally reached a point where she was comfortable sharing alot about herself with me, which she never did at the start. 

I feel as if I got alot of hints over the years that she may not be straight and she may have feelings of more than friends with me, except it took me really long to actually accept myself as a bi and then finally have the courage and balls to go after her. But she made it clear that day...kind of. Either way, I can’t pin my hopes on that she herself is not clear of her own sexuality. She very clearly friendzoned me that day again and I can’t afford to pin any hopes anymore. I will have to try and move on, even if she was the best and most compatible person I have kind of almost ever met and befriended. The only thing is I guess we don’t have alot of deep conceptual discussions, neither do we have like super similar sense of humour ish. Also hobbies I guess in terms of sports. Trying to hit her off a pedestal now. 

I just really don’t know where to go with this. She has been such a big part of my life and I am such a romantic, I don’t know how to get over her. It’s not as if I can cut her out of my life like I did with my ex, I have to keep her close without risking feelings of attraction coming back - how am I supposed to do that, unless she gets attached to a guy or something? How can I care for her without caring too much? I really don’t know. The line is so blurry. I mean in a way I’m used to it because the whole 4 years I’ve known her and had a crush on her, I kept having to keep my attraction to myself and keep my hands to myself essentially. I only really let go abit in the past few months and truth be told, she didn’t really seem to mind. But whatever, she’s just a touchy girl I guess and we are very close friends. But yeah. At first when I went home after telling her and having the talk, it didn’t seem like much changed, because its the same in the sense that I still had to hold myself back, and it didn’t change that I still care for her and we still had something special in terms of chemistry and clicking and having fun together whatnot. Nothing changed except now she knew that I had a crush on her and that I am bi. And she seemed very okay with that and even gave me a sidehug, telling me she will be my soulmate until I find The One for me, and that we would continue to hang out together. 

It’s just now, a few days later, that I am starting to feel a sense of loss. Because I don’t know how this means in terms of how I should act with her. I can’t just go back to how I used to because although she made it seem like nothing was going to change much between us, something has changed. I mean her being okay with still hanging out with me whilst I have a crush on her is one thing I guess, but because I need to start embarking on the legit journey of getting over her now like FOR REAL I can’t even indulge in ANY kind of fantasy based off on uncertainty and side hints anymore, that I don’t know how much I can be normal around her. I don’t even know if I can handle being around her in the next few weeks, and this uncertainty I have of myself and my standards of how I should act around her now to prevent attraction and prevent my hopes from returning and really starting to let go is preventing me from being normal with her and hence leading to a sense of loss. 

I do wonder if I should have not done it, but I’m glad I did. She deserves to know that someone loves her, that’s one thing, because she is an amazing girl. But another thing is, I finally get some kind of closure, and at the same time, this solidifies to me again how much a treasure she is even just as a friend. It’s no less what I expected from her actually - she will always be this kind and this amazing. Of course my anxiety and depression spoke otherwise, and my own confusion of my own sexuality, which of course prolonged this conversation all the way until now. I think this conversation took place at a good time tho. I don’t think we would have handled it as well if it took place earlier, when we weren’t as close as we are now. She is truly a friend I can depend on, and I hope she knows she can definitely depend on me. I am her forever protector. The only difference now is that I know my boundaries better and I won’t push things. Attraction will take time to cease but I don’t think distancing myself will be the most useful now if i want to assure her that I am still in her life. I think I will let nature do its job with regards to that. For my own actions wise I just know that its not worth pursuing anymore and I will just keep to myself wrt those feelings ba haha! Less stress and less reading into things on my end I guess, much less uncertainty and much less confusion too. On that note, I wonder if it would be good to go out with my friends coming thursday. See how I feel by then?

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

Thought Distortions

Dear friend, 

I thought i hit rock bottom 2 years ago before one of my exams where i felt like the smallest being in the world, even less worthy than a fly. It did feel like rock bottom, my chest was hurting like no other, and i was slouching and could literally cry at any second if i let myself go. 

Last night though, i hit a different kind of rock bottom. My chest wasn’t hurting, but suddenly “accidents” that would knock me out for god knows how long began to seem EXTREMELY tempting. 

Crossing the road at night, seeing the car headlights enlarging before my eyes, the temptation to just run out and let all this go away was stronger than ever before. 

Looking at my migraine medications, which happen to be an anti-depressant at higher doses as well, and thinking how i could just down the entire bottle and never wake up again. 

or the painkiller that has a component of muscle relaxant that always puts me into a state of drowsiness which i have plenty of...and if i were to just. end this all. and actually fall into a sleep of a thousand years, which i have always kind of fantasised about, but i’ve never actually thought about it in such great detail and such great tempt, that i literally had to use so much self-control to prevent myself from running out into the road, and having to hide my own medications out of sight impulsively to prevent the temptation from building up again. 

i am just so sick of this. 

i’ve been up and down and up and down the past 4-5 years and i’m so tired having to fight myself all the time. 

the tipping point was when my supervisor at work gravely and half-sarcastically said i had to be “more up on my admin game” because i kept leaving things to the last minute, and having all the work build up despite her repeated reminders. 

thing is, it isn’t that i forgot, or that i refused to do it. 

In fact, i tried SO HARD to do it, but i was always so tired and drained at the end of the day, then i will have to work overtime because i’m so tired, then i try to do some work until late at night in a state of numbness and then wake up un-well rested and drain myself through the day again and it repeats and repeats. nothing gets done and my energy is just drained. 

it just hit me so hard that day, her remark, because i was actually trying so hard, but it just didn’t work out, and i’m just too tired to try anymore. 

needless to say this feeling is way too familiar and it just hit me how i will never get out of this rut unless i can somehow fix my mind, in which over the past 4 years, 2 mental health people i’ve reached out to have dismissed my concerns as simply “low self-confidence” and “symptoms of depression but not depressive enough to be depression”, and i don’t want to have to get rejected again and not taken seriously again. 

depression is not a fucking trend. i use to like memes about it because i relate to it, but i realised many people “relate” to these memes but not in the way i do. when i laugh, it is a bitter laugh, with tears in my eyes and pain in my heart. its not actually funny. 

either way i don’t want to self-diagnose, lest i get rejected again, but i have been on this “mindfulness” app and i read a book about CBT for depression that could help, and they have mentioned the same things - Thought distortions. 

At first i was quite amazed, then it helped for awhile, but then i got fed up at it because I KNEW that my thoughts were illogical and stupid and didn’t make sense, but yet i still believed it. I still couldn’t refute it. i couldn’t see beyond my distorted thoughts. 

My main thought distortions are: Filtering the positive, black and white thinking, “should” thinking, overgeneralising, emotional reasoning and personalisation. i do have some mind-reading and illusion of external distortions too but they are not as strong and usually i am able to more or less refute it abit. 

I tried writing out things that could refute my ways of thinking, how they would say “to find evidence against those thinking” but oh my goodness it was so hard. 

Especially filtering the positive. 

I believe i’ve trained myself this way for a long time now, to not celebrate my small achievements, or any achievements even. because i taught myself never to be complacent on anything i achieve, because i’m afraid i will start slacking off from there and never achieve anything again. So i always play down my achievements, i always brush any praise aside (also my family showers so much on me that i’m pretty much numb by now), and i focus on what i did wrong and what i could have done better. 

that was my thing that got me through my major exams back then. and i was very focused and felt very in control of my life, i was isolated from the world (i isolated myself) and i just studied and studied. i told myself i was always at the bottom, so the only way is up. if i don’t study, it will be worse. but if i do, at least i’m further away from being at the bottom. 

however at work, when you’re working with others, the concept of “i am always at the bottom” is not useful! you have to show your competency in some manner. so that didn’t work well at all and i broke down on many occasions. thinking i was at the bottom didn’t help me perform better, neither did it motivate me to improve anymore. it just hit me down whenever i tried to stand back up. 

and i always thought i wanted to go back to that time in my life where things were so much more in control, but now i realise that there was probably where all my thought distortions generated.

i wouldn’t say i’m better now. i’m still toying with the idea of the medication overdose and sleeping for a thousand years. i’m still not really ready to refute my thought distortions now, because i’ve tried before and they are firstly very difficult because i literally cannot see out of the black hole i’ve dug for myself, and also it may or may not work. 

so yeah, i’m in a tough spot now. at least my chest isn’t hurting significantly, but i feel very very numb. and tbh, feeling numb is the most dangerous, because you don’t think of long-term consequences. 

I want so bad to tell someone, but i’m afraid they will tell me i’m just overreacting and self-diagnosing -- like many teens out there now because depression memes are now a trend. its like how sexuality has become such a big part of many people’s identities nowadays to the point where their room is just pride flags and whatnot that’s just plain stupid. i’m bi but i don’t like parade it everywhere as part of my identity. it makes me feel like i don’t really want to be associated with this community :/ but well. you know what they say. the loudest people are probably the very ones that are most out of touch with the actual community. i’m sure there are many out there who are just lovely and we just happen to only see those who are flamboyant about their sexualities, as if they have no other personality at all. 

sorry i had to insert a small rant about that. but yeah. thought distortions. 

i always end off my posts with that “i’ll work on it” because of my way of thinking that i’m always inadequate and i have to work on something AT ALL TIMES because if i don’t then i’m just going to be a failure and continue to stay that way for the rest of time, but i think this time round, i’ll just end it off with.... bye. 

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

Dear friend, wanted to share with you something I've deliberated upon.

as a person who was an avid kpop fan 2010-2013 (fan of SHINee) , then a casual follower up til start of 2020 where I am now a fan of MAMAMOO, it got me interested how BTS managed to achieve the kind of international success they did.

after some research (and yes I do like a couple of their songs but I'm not a hardcore fan), I concluded that it's really all a team effort.

yes the members (abilities, personalities, being involved in their music etc) do play a huge part, but I'm more amazed at the whole marketing aspect. simply because there's also many other talented, funny and genuine kpop artists out there who have never achieved their kind of unparalled success.

There are many many people behind the scenes, thinking of concepts, ways to promote, directors of MVs, song arrangement, social media platforms... there's bound to be alot of strategic planning going on. I would say that BTS's company also plays a huge part in their success. from what I read online from their fans, it's very clear that however promotions are being done, everything about BTS (at least what makes them likeable) is being churned out very regularly and delivered very easily with great accessibility to the the public. because the fans feel like they connect with the members individually on a personal level, they feel like they're being appreciated, they feel like the members are somewhat saints? they truly feel it. and we know from the power of the Internet that with social media, videos, interviews and all that, that kind of connection is very very possible when the correct content is delivered. as someone who has been and currently am a fan of kpop groups, I can say I've felt it before. as if you knew the person like a friend. but I know now it's an illusion. all the content makes you feel that way, but in the end you don't know them irl, and all they can be to you, is a source of good music, solace, warmth and positive vibes/funny content.

the way I was obsessed about SHINee when I was 14ish is different from the way I like MAMAMOO now. yes I do watch fan-created compilations of my favourite moments and squeal and whatnot, but back then, I was obsessed with their personalities and who they were as a person, in addition to their talent itself. there's this personal link that when I look back on it, is quite laughable? we only know them briefly from what we see on screen. back then I used to scour through all the videos I could ever find of them, watching ALL the content I could find, branding myself as a shawol with badges and stickers and doodles.

whereas now I'm trying to move away from that. I do really appreciate mamamoo, their talents and music, and some things they do (fan service type stuff) are very exciting and they are complete crackheads at times which is extremely amusing. but what impresses me most is their performances and their music, and I believe that should be the core of everything.

I think that's something Western music has over kpop, is because they don't have variety and reality shows for mini celebrities or the idol culture, that whoever makes music, literally just makes music. and whatever else they do is just a side thing that comes up as gossip sometimes. whereas in kpop groups there's this whole need to share yourself and build your brand and whatnot which is just slightly... manufactured.

anyway I missed my point.

so why is BTS so successful? team effort. the members themselves have the abilities and personalities and music to make it out there, and the company truly believes and invests in them in a very successful manner, being creative and churning out promotional content like no other, and targeting American audiences from the start, with twitter as well. also I think another thing is that BTS's producer or CEO etc is actually a songwriter and produces many of their songs. this kind of consistent and harmonious relationship is what makes good songs that the artists feel and are able to deliver as well. it's the same for mamamoo, whom their CEO is their main producer and songwriter, and frequently works very closely with the members to create songs and concepts.

but I think BTS's team really took it to the next level. thing is though, I guess, is also finding the main appeal of whichever audience. I can understand BTS's appeal to international audiences and mamamoo's appeal more to Asian audiences (esp at the start, but with HIP it feels more international-appealy), but I can't exactly pinpoint it. it's just their vibe I guess. a more laid back, individualistic, creative and hipster vibe? *somehow BTS found a road of their own, and their company were extremely successful in showing their unique road. * I believe it has alot to do with very accurate marketing analysis and strategy (looking at what's different in the market, what appeals, how to utilise social media efficiently etc etc), as well as the members having alot of say in what they do (think about it, teenagers will know best what appeals to teenagers🤷‍♀️), in addition to their abilities that are obviously of standard.

don't even get me started on groups that have great popularity WITHOUT abilities, that kinda pisses me off. in that case, their songwriters/choreographers should be getting so much more credit than they themselves 😤

but yeah. that's just my take on it.

coz as a fan, let's say I don't have MMMTV, which is behind the scenes footage of mamamoo during various promotional activities, or Vlive broadcasts, then I will feel significantly less attached to them. having inside jokes and all these getting to know personally is part and parcel of the whole kpop idol package, as yucky as it is, that we judge music not only by the music and performances, but also by visuals, concepts, personalities, humour level and range + timing of promotional videos released on various Internet platforms.

isn't that a feat and a half.

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

Dear friend, 

I haven’t written in a long time. I’m feeling lonely now, and i’ve just read old primary school journals and i realised, i’ve been feeling lonely since childhood. my best friends were books, and my first real best friends came in sec sch, which was messy and hard to understand. 

i’m going through a hard day today. there’s so many things to figure out. i feel like i could fall apart and break down any second, my chest was hurting and i laid in bed almost the whole day. at least i managed to get some working out done which i’m proud of myself for. i’m debating on philosophical things like what’s right and wrong, what’s good and bad, and i can’t find an answer. i wonder why i cannot get along with my family and i wonder if it is something i should let go of (that’s what i really want to do, move out), or i should do something about it like tell them how i want to be treated or fight back. 

i know my parents care for me, but they do it in such intrusive ways. the whole house runs on my mother’s mood, which switches like lightning. one moment she’s hugging and praising me, and a few seconds later she finds something she doesn’t like about the house, and starts berating us for being lazy and useless and saying she doesn’t understand how we are able to live like this. my dad is slightly better because he gives me space and respects my privacy, so i am more willing to go to him whenever i have problems, and he is more patient and open to jokes. however, i don’t like whenever he pressurises me to tell him what’s wrong or something, because i always need time to process things on my own first. and looking at my primary school journals, i have been processing things on my own for a very long time. my mom is temperamental and she pressurises me to talk to her and show affection to her, and then the next second she’s shouting again. sometimes i joke with her and she turns it into another nagging session. and during the times where i did actually want to tell her something, she usually responds in a way that was insulting, disregarding or useless. then she asks me why i don’t tell her anything, or whether i even love her at all. i don’t know how to answer that. i have given up going to her for advice. my sister seems to be making peace by being the one that acts cute and tolerates her bullshit. 

i know that her as my mother, i should be a filial and obedient daughter and idk listen to her because “its for my own good” and she does care, its not like she doesn’t care. in fact, she’s nagging and scolding because she cares. but i just wish she did it in a more productive and less dictative manner, because whenever she lets her anger gets the better of her, it just comes off badly to me. even her frustration at herself makes me frustrated. why is there a need to project your frustration outwards? if we are all expected to swallow our frustration when it comes to you, then why can’t you control your own anger? it doesn’t seem fair to me. but alot of times, it is difficult to act solely based on what you think is fair or unfair, especially when these people are hierachically higher than you --- your parents, bosses, etc. people who can make your life more miserable and hard than it already is. 

i always hesitate telling people about my life and my hardships, because i know many have it harder than me, and i know i am blessed and all etcetc, my family is financially well, i have a stable career ahead, etcetc. i’m just always unhappy at home unless i am alone. and with the recent coronavirus situation, i’m with my family at home 24/7, which is extremely tiring. i’m living my life by their timetable and their rules. lunch is cooked at noon today and i woke up in a bad mood, because i was woken up DUE to lunch. it frustrated me that i can’t even wake up at a time i want to wake up, because lunch is cooked and i have to eat it, whether or not i wanted to eat that and at that time. then i got scolded for talking back because i flared up at my sister who nagged at me that my food was getting cold --- i never wanted the food anyway! 

i really want to move out. i wish i could. but its too bad that in my country and my racial norms, children don’t move out until they get married and buy their own house. i don’t even know if houses are for rent for teenagers or even if its cheap enough for fresh grads to rent in my country. 

however, could it be that these problems are easily blamed onto others and i could do something to help it? maybe i should work on my self-confidence and communication skills, assert my needs in a diplomatic way and somehow bring peace and harmony into the famliy? i have no idea. it always feels like i’m being ungrateful whenever i blame things on my mom, but she really seems to be the issue. even my sister, who is my main confidante, isn’t helping because ever since she started working, she has somehow gotten closer to my mom and i don’t understand why and how. 

i know i am a very “righteous” person in that i cannot stand injustice and unfairness, and i get angry whenever people are not treated the way they should or people don’t behave kindly. its more about kindness i think. but also i wonder if whilst they are unkind, perhaps i could be kind? i think that led to my career choice too, but that is another matter altogether. 

i’m just never sure what is wrong and right anymore, or who is good and bad. everyone would like to think that they’re good and what they do is right, but not everyone is. and what if i’m one of them? 

i just want to do the right thing, and be a good person. but not at the expense of going against my values, what i believe in, and how i think i should be treated, and the life i want to live. it may seem rebellious or immature, but i really want to live a life of my own, and i don’t want to be held back by something so fickle as someone’s mood -- that is usually linked to how she feels about herself. i really couldn’t care less. its unfair that the whole famliy has to cater to her just because she gets frustrated with herself and things around her. 

but then again, kindness? ? ? giving people a chance to explain themselves and being open to the idea that all these may come from a good place, unless consistent actions proves us wrong? 

i find it difficult to wrap my head around the concept of “bad people”, but perhaps there may just be people that you will never be able to get along with? which is another concept that i try not to believe, because in my line of work, i have to get along with ALL types of people. however, i hope i can keep things professional and not let things like personality get in the way. i think my previous supervisor wasn’t exactly professional, because she gave feedback on my personality as opposed to my competence, which is not something she has the right to judge. But then again, in my line of work, you need to have a good character -- which i have, but she refused to see and/or misunderstood, simply because idk, i was self-conscious and awkward whilst being self-righteous, so it came off as disrespectful and uncaring. i’m not sure how else i could have fixed it, since my other supervisors never had that issue with me. but i suppose it is just a lesson learnt that well, not everyone will see the best in you and self-confidence is very important. 

i will be good at my job. i have to. 

that aside, the issues with my family stays. together with the longstanding issue that although okay yes i care for them, but i cannot, for the life of me, show any outright affection towards my parents. i don’t wish death and illness on them and i hope they are happy (for our sakes too) so in that sense i care, but i can’t go out of my way to show that i care, other than doing things like chores and helping them out with technology stuff. you’d be sure i won’t be acting cute, i won’t be hugging, bringing up polite small talk etc. i just cringe SO MUCH when i even think of doing it that i physically can’t do it. and i don’t know why. 

and another longstanding issue i have yet to tackle: opening up to friends. 

i do have a few friends and all, but i can never bring myself to open up to them the way i open up here or in my diary. i always feel that it won’t be helpful, and i will just burden them with my issues. i know of a friend who used to be someone i confided in, and i think she’s just sick of it now i feel, because also i barely talk to her now although we meet in a group. also, i know a friend who constantly talks to EVERYONE about her issues, and i find that so burdensome-- mainly because she doesn’t take any of our advice and continuously broods about the same issues for years. and i don’t want to be that kind of person in someone elses’ life. i have friends who say they are “all ears” towards my issues, but from experience what they have to say after i’m done talking, is not value-adding and not helpful to my predicament. so i’d rather not. i wonder if its because i haven’t met the correct people, or should i still take the risk and open up? i’ve never been able to solve this. 

but its really hard to deal with these things when i don’t know the answers, and i don’t know how to make things better. 

a few weeks ago i read a book, The Courage to be Disliked, and i was so empowered by it because its centred around the concept that your relationship with yourself and others, and achieving happiness, is truly all in YOUR HANDS, once you embrace this certain mindset. 

that mindset was something novel and idealistic, something that i agreed on some levels but couldn’t understand on other levels as well. but i did think it was good advice, in a way, and it was liberating to think that your fate is in your hands. 

but with these issues above, i feel like my autonomy and ability is taken away from my hands again. because i have no answers. i have no action plan to solve these deeply ingrained issues, that i have been pushing aside for so long because i had other pressing issues and deadlines to cover. 

i just wonder if these issues are hindering me from peace and contentment, which is all i want in life. also freedom. i really love that feeling of freedom, but i haven’t felt that in a long time -- not just because we’re all stuck at home, but even psychological freedom. these few days i feel stuck. 

also i just got out of a relationship, the one i mentioned in previous posts. i broke up with him 2 months ago. he’s still in the denial stage of the 5 stages of grief, whereas i’m moving away from the depressed stage already. 

he is another issue altogether, but i’m just glad i don’t have to deal with him anymore. he wasn’t value-adding, and i was blind. i just want to find myself again, and stick with it. 

i want to be my best friend, give me advice. maybe this is something i need time to figure out? 

i’m so tired and drained now. i’m going to lie down. 

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

go on a date only with someone you have a crush on and respect.

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

if you had stayed, how much of it would be because of guilt?

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

Man, what’s it like being in a normal, healthy relationship?

Shit sounds wild.

[everyoneneedsalisteningear]

Man, what’s it like being in a normal, healthy relationship?

Shit sounds wild.