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We looked inside some of the posts by everythingismaintainedbylight and here's what we found interesting.
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A few things that have resonated deeply with me recently
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Gratitude makes me feel like the embodiment of hot cocoa. A big warm joy that fills my body, saying I am loved I am here I am so deeply cared for! I love to drink it in in savoring sips.
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Listen to The Smiths. Listen to Mitski. Drink citrus juice on the porch at 3am. Swipe swipe swipe the dating apps. Feel that big aching under my ribs and wonder if it'll ever be satiated. Avoid looking in the mirror. Avoid the outside, the daylight. Think about creating art but never make it. Think about dating but never go out. Tear up all the skin along my fingernails. Daydream about all that could be.
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I wanted to give you all my life. Wasn't that enough?
I remember the feeling when your car would pull into the driveway, watching the sun set over the hill. laying in my bed for hours on end. I could never get enough. Now, it feels like all the walls of a set fell down around me, an unknowing actor waking from a play. All those beautiful things have gone away. Memory is golden hour, rose tinted, achingly escaping from my clawing hands.
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For a long while I have been Not Great! And that is obviously it's own dilemma. I tell myself "I'm depressed but it's because of my circumstances, if I can get out of it then I will be okay." But. Recently. I woke from a dream and had a realization. The dream itself was unimportant. What remained was this: I am numb. I do not feel anything as I once did. Not joy, happiness, sadness, despair. I am stuck under the ice, unable to break through to the surface. In my dreams I felt deep loss, aching, that soul consuming panic. And upon waking i found i couldn't fathom the experience. That was always the tell-tale when things were getting bad again, that distance between emotion and feeling. So what is this now, that I've been living with this numbness for so long without even realizing?
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It's June and it finally feels like it, all the summer heat hitting at once. I spent the morning at a strawberry festival with my childhood best friend. When I got home, I put in the AC, and turned on all the fans. I keep the lights off until it's dark outside, I love the ambient lighting that fills my apartment. I've spent the rest of the day half undressed, sprawled out, the cats accompanying me. Days like today are what I imagined of life, even when nothing else is. This is where I want to be.
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Do you remember the days I'd call for no discernable reason? Maybe just to hear your voice, for you to hear mine. When did that stop? I wonder what the last call was, what bullshit we exchanged, without ever knowing it'd be the last time.
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I miss the overtired excited blur of an anticipated concert. I miss the over bright, overcast mornings spent in a tourist town. I miss the long neon sleepless nights one after another. I miss knowing who I was and what I want. I miss my home. I miss my lavender walls and old bed. I miss being so in love with life. I miss growing green things underneath my own two hands. I miss making plans. I miss the momentary confidence of being young and drunk and surrounded by friends. I miss the feeling of coming home to sleep in the center of my empty bed, and not knowing what it felt like to feel the missing body next to me. Will it come back, all of this? This curious passion for life? Can it?
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I miss the overtired excited blur of an anticipated concert. I miss the over bright, overcast mornings spent in a tourist town. I miss the long neon sleepless nights one after another. I miss knowing who I was and what I want. I miss my home. I miss my lavender walls and old bed. I miss being so in love with life. I miss growing green things underneath my own two hands. I miss making plans. I miss the momentary confidence of being young and drunk and surrounded by friends. I miss the feeling of coming home to sleep in the center of my empty bed, and not knowing what it felt like to feel the missing body next to me. Will it come back, all of this? This curious passion for life? Can it?
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You have shown me an ounce of kindness and now we are intertwined forever.
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I only ever wanted to be with you. I constantly think about one of the first days we spent back together. It was cold but the sun seemed brighter. We went to McDonald's for breakfast and your hand held mine the whole drive and it felt supreme, pristine. We went inside and I asked you about some drink. I got pancakes. We ate in the sunny restaurant and everything felt so good, so vivid, like this was the first day of my life and I was suddenly seeing in color. It's nothing to write about, I know, it's so mundane and simple and milquetoast. But I remember the sun, the brightness of the morning, the warmth of your hand, the color of your eyes, the hope that filled every molecule that buzzed with excitement that this was us and we were together and we were forever. Will you take me to McDonald's? Will you hold my hand? I still look for that glint in your eyes that told me you loved me before your words even could. I miss that. I miss your voice saying it too.
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It's 5am and I'm settling in for bed, after doing some household tasks and taking the piling trash out to the curb, finally showering the dreadfully hot day away. My head is killing me and I know the migraines coming. I wish I was sitting on a beach front somewhere seaside, over indulging in salt water Taffy sticking my teeth together and making my hands sticky. I wish you loved me still. I wish I made better choices, stood up for myself in the past when chances were at my feet for taking. But instead I'm here. I know I have more time, the future, all the world out in front of me but. Right in this moment I'm too tired to even think of all the work that needs to be done to get going. For now, I am here, I am still here. That is enough.
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I wish I could've kept the flowers you brought me alive. It's been years and I still feel guilt at my over watering, my drowning, I always give too much. I wish I could have cultivated the care needed to keep you in love with me.
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Being honest with myself: I miss you. We don't have a future together. You're not the person I fell in love with and planned a life with. But there is love remaining. Your presence brings me comfort still. I can acknowledge the future I wanted isn't viable, but still, I want you around. I want to fall asleep next to you. I want you to wash my hair. I want you to tell me the things no one else knows, I want to be the first to know. I know things won't be the way they were, I'm not asking for that, not wishing for it. I'm wondering what shape we can make now.
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