evolutionoflai - Tumblr blog

[evolutionoflai]

the process of my realizing i was in love with you

huh...where do i start...i sat here thinking for a while...about you i mean...and i just thought way back to my first thought when i first saw you...which is a little weird because i don’t usually remember details of things but when it comes to you i can remember so much...you take up more than half of my brain hehehe...but anyways,i think...from the moment i first saw you, i was a little terrified.

when i moved here i wanted to leave the lai from (my old home) behind because i didn’t want to be that person anymore...after (someone i loved)..after everything...i just wanted to forget...forget it all...i hated that person. i came here not wanting to look for anyone...i wanted to know if there were people like me and if maybe i could make friends with them but i didn’t want anything. i hated everything and the idea of being with someone terrified me...but i swear to god...when i first saw you something just...happened inside me...like a small light switched on or something...i felt it and i was so scared. when i first talked to you, you welcomed me with open arms. your hair was like this violet pink color and it was WAY shorter...you smiled at me and that was the first thing i noticed...your smile...and i couldn’t help but smile back. when i noticed i smiled back, i said to myself in my head "what the hell are you doing..."

but i loved smiling back...its weird of me to say but the small cracks from the bottom of my heart faded a little when you smiled at me.

i told myself "don’t get comfortable....you don’t even really know..."but i wanted to know...i wanted to know...it was like i was abandoning my fear of closing everything off and just letting myself be at least a little happy...but i barely knew you and you barely knew me so i kept my distance...

and then there was that day when you heard me say that i thought i was fat and you said i wasn’t... my throat immediately went dry and i couldn’t stop starring at you...i’m sorry but i couldn’t...when you weren’t mine i couldn’t top starring...and when i noticed i was starring. i was like, 

"FUCK IM STARRING I NEED TO STOP. FUCK FUCK FUCK..."...after that i just wanted to know you a little more...

you started talking and sitting next to me more...

you just became more and more of my favorite person to be around... i loved it so much...i couldn’t get enough...i loved laughing because you made me laugh...

i loved feeling happy because you made me happy...i loved feeling..because you made me feel things..not even really in that way, yet.

you made me feel what i was afraid of feeling...

i only looked forward to school because i knew i was going to get to see you at some point of the day...

on your sad, dark days i was always worried...i always worried that you weren’t okay... when i would see you cry it would hurt me because you weren’t smiling...

especially when i wanted to help you in a way that i couldn’t because it wasn’t my place...you already had someone and i couldn’t do that... so i stayed away but i also stayed...i saw no one else helping or caring like anyone always should. i’m a little glad no one else did because i just wanted to be there for you...i wanted to be the one to take care of you so i swore to myself that i would stay but i wouldn’t do anything more than what a friend would do...even though i knew deep down i wanted it...

i didn’t....i held it inside and didn’t let it surface...

when i heard that y’all weren’t anything anymore, i fell apart.

even though i had a slight chance of getting you, you were heart broken and i could feel it...i knew that look...of just complete and utter dead...because it happened to me...i saw it and it broke me that you were feeling it too...i wanted to heal you then and there from the very beginning. 

even if i had to take my own heart out of my own chest, i just wanted to make you whole and okay again...

..i remember i was in Red River New Mexico, and (someone else) and i were together...i was very happy...but i don’t think it was what i wanted...it was like i was happy with that person and i had feelings but i had greater feelings for you that i needed to get over. i felt deep down that you and i were never going to be. she was so lovely and beautiful...but she wasn’t for me...she deserved better. i was good but i wasn’t for her...i was saving myself for something else...

and (someone else i thought i was in love with) was there but i was just in love with a ghost. it covered the fact that i was in love with you the whole time and i did not see it at all...

i saw you in the mountains when i was there...thats why its my favorite place on earth...because i saw you everywhere when i was there..i didn’t want to leave but i also wanted to because you weren’t there...

so i came back to possibly bring you with me....someday~ when i did finally see you again, it felt really sad and i knew why...but i just wanted to hold your hand and be there if you needed me...

i knew i loved you...and i had a feeling that you loved me too...but i didn’t wanna mess with it because you were hurt and it wasn’t what you needed....and then after a little while i started to feel worst and you noticed...

i was almost always sad...and you loved drawing on me because it made me smile...not only because you were drawing on me but when you would, you would always hold my hand...the way you would take it and hold it,  then you gave me this look like "...i wanna hold this at least...i know i cant hold you fully but i wanna hold this...its so soft..."(i know thats a little detailed but i’m in love with you so i cant help it hehe) it always made me so happy...my parents always yelled at me for it but i didn’t care...i loved it...i just did...i wouldn’t let anyone else do it...i just liked it when you did...

and then there was that one bad day and you were worried about me...

i didn’t know what was wrong with me, i just wasn’t okay...and i just wanted you.

then we had that weekend together....and everything that happened, happened....i couldn’t believe it...from the very beginning i knew you were gonna be something...but i wasn’t expecting it...i went from not wanting to get so close, to laying right next to you falling asleep in your arms...with my face facing yours....buried in your chest...while you were holding me.

i went to sleep that night thinking

"finally...finally...finally..."

i was so terrified of being heart broken but finally....you were finally mine....you finally saw me. you wanted me.

i have everything i’ve ever wanted...

everything i have ever wanted ever...you were and still are everything i have ever wanted or needed....i know i said this would be a "lil something" but you knowing me by now, its probably a novel....but at least i was writing about my favorite person to talk about....i also hope this was enough of a gift or meant something....i know its only been somewhat a while, but i want you forever...forever and ever and ever...i dream about it all the time...i dream about it so much that id rather keep it in my mind rather than write it because my mind can not be expressed in words....but i truly mean this from the bottom of my heart....you are my greatest dream....i am still slightly afraid because i only made it 3 months with the last one...but i know you're not her....i know i want you forever and you want me forever...thats what i love about you....i’m so thankful for our little infinity....i know when we both die, the star that appeared in the sky the night we first kissed will be bigger and brighter and more beautiful....its us forever....yea ?~

i love you always...i really truly do...you are my favorite person.

you are my person.