exaltinamorata

[exaltinamorata]

⋆ part four - crippled by love ⋆

◇─◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇

I would set the whole world on fire,

just to see if our love rises out of the ashes

like a phoenix; like only ours could.

⋆ CRIPPLED BY LOVE, PART FOUR ⋆

“Don’t want to go home. I don’t want to be alone; I’ve got some damn bad intentions. I’ve got some secrets that I forgot to mention, I haven’t learned my lesson. I want him again, I want him again… Trying to fill the spaces that you’ve left in me. Anything that stops me from thinking about you. Trying to escape, I’m my only enemy. I really don’t want to feel anything. You left me stranded, broken and abandoned. I live for your high… Black out all the memories, trying to escape. I don’t really want to feel anything. I just want to hide the pain…

▐ February 24th, 2020 • 1:30 AM

Pain. That was the only word that came to Alora’s mind. Obviously there were other emotions she was feeling but the pain, it called to her like a siren song. She didn’t understand his logic. She didn’t understand anything at this point. She thought that love was supposed to lift someone up but this feeling, this feeling was agonizing. She couldn’t take this. She didn’t want this. She didn’t want any of these emotions. She just wanted to go back. She just wanted h i m back. Why couldn’t she have that? Why couldn’t she be the girl that got the guy? Why did she have to be the girl that was alone?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

That’s all she could think of. She didn’t know what was wrong with her. She didn’t understand any of this. All she wanted was to wake up from this horrible nightmare, all she wanted was Brandon. She needed him like the water she drinks, the air she breathes. She needed him and without him she was nothing. It was pathetic. The way she carried herself without him but that’s how she saw it. How could she go on without him? It was rather simple, she couldn't. She needed him. They could be damaged together because the loneliness was driving her off the walls. This sadness was crippling.

“I’m not scared. I just can’t do this anymore; this goes against everything I’ve ever known. I tried. I really tried to love you, Alora. I honestly did but I don’t and the longer this goes on, the harder it will be for me to let you go. But I have to let you go. I just don’t love you. And I n e v e r will.”

Brandon’s words circulated through Alora’s mind, wrapping into something logical. Brandon was right. He couldn’t love her, no matter how hard Alora pushed him into something that he clearly wasn’t ready for. She had forced him into a relationship when all along they were having a good time. It was all fun and games. But Alora, naïve little Alora that had daddy issues and an absent mother, needed attention. Needed love because Alex was never around—Dustin had moved so far away because of her. This was all her fault. She was unlovable. Who would love such a pathetic naïve little girl? No one. That was the answer. Alora Olivia Gray had finally realized something. She was the problem.

She was worthless. Poor little rich girl that couldn’t get the one thing she wanted. Love was never on the menu for her.

Sadness consumed her features as trembling digits swiftly slid a sharp razor along her wrist, cutting the soft flesh. Crimson liquid begins to flow along with the intense tingles of pain rushing through her body due to the fresh wound. Pain. Her familiar friend, it washed over her with every thought of him. Of the life she now lives, this sadness that swallowed her whole. It wasn’t fair. She missed the girl she used to be. She missed the light that she held in her heart. The hope of a happier life but that was all a lie. Love was utter bullshit. This wasn’t a fairy tale, this was real life and in real life you only get used until the other person realizes that you were n e v e r the one they wanted. That you never even mattered to them. This was the realization that Alora had come to know. That maybe—just maybe everyone would be better off without her. Who would want a worthless girl around them anyway? No one. Brandon made that pretty clear. She heard him loud and clear.

Her blank gaze focused upon the bleeding wrist prior to adding another cut and couple more without a second thought or even a doubt. Physical pain meant nothing to her anymore because the pain—the emptiness that she felt within her was enough to numb anyone to the physical pain. The physical pain meant nothing because she felt nothing.

Placing the razor onto the now bloody sink, her chestnut hues surveying her features as a sarcastic laughter emitted from the depths of her throat, her head oscillating slightly as her orbs narrowed into slits. She languidly lifted her right arm, as her knuckles smashed into the mirror, which caused pieces of glass to cascade downward. The sound of laughter bouncing from the walls as the crimson liquid oozed outward. A glint of her eyes in the reflection of the blade. She knows it’s over and she no longer cares. She welcomes the pain. It’s all she knows now. All she wants to know.

“I should have seen that you would only mess me up. I should have seen that you would eventually give me up… Everyone knows I’m right about one thing. You and I don’t work out. You bring out the mean in me, I bring out your insecurities. Before I ever met you, I never knew that my heart could love so hard. Before I ever met, I never knew I could be broken in so many ways.”

Rustic hues fixated on the crimson liquid, stray tears glided down her cheek as she inhaled a deep breath. Brandon James, I want to thank you, you opened my eyes. Love is fake so this is my thank you letter.

Nimble digits swiftly glided along her exposed flesh, her eyelids flutter shut as her legs begin to wobble underneath her—within a matter of seconds her frame collapses onto the marble tile. The blood oozing onto the ivory surface.

This was her curtain call…

[exaltinamorata]

⋆ part three - crippled by love ⋆

◇─◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇─

you speak of love like it’s a threat. you hold it to my throat and

I flinch against it.

⋆ CRIPPLED BY LOVE, PART THREE ⋆

“It’s like you’re screaming and no one can hear…You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. And when it’s over and it’s gone, you almost wish you could have all the bad stuff back, so you can have the good…”

▐ February 18th, 2020 • 5:00 PM

“I can’t do this.” Brandon said in the softest tone that he could muster. Alora’s bare feet languidly taking a step backward, her cranium oscillating with every step she took, her lithe fingers combed through her chocolate locks. Alora couldn’t believe what she was hearing. What happened? How could he? Didn’t he understand how much she needed him, he was her air. She couldn’t go on without him.

“N━N━No…No…What are you saying? You don’t mean this, Brandon, you can’t mean this. After everything we’ve been through. Stop being (so) scared. I love you and I know you love me.” The words uttered from her lips in a hush tone; her voice trembling with each letter that passes her nude lips, lithe digits clinching onto her alabaster duvet that encompassed her feline figure.

“I’m not scared. I just can’t do this anymore; this goes against everything I've ever known.. I tried. I really tried to love you, Alora. I honestly did but I don’t and the longer this goes on, the harder it will be for me to let you go. But I have to let you go. I just don’t love you. And I n e v e r will.” Brandon said in an emotionless tone, he stands to his full statuesque length, his boot clad feet kissing the wooden surface as he pivoted on the balls of his combat boots; halting momentarily as he turned his head towards her, his chestnut orbs landed on her confused mien. “I’m sorry.”

“Brandon” His name rolled off the tip of her tongue, moist droplets glided down her cheeks. “Brandon don’t walk away. Don’t you dare walk away from me. Stop doing this, stop hurting me. Just let me in. God, I love you. Can’t you see that? I love you so much. Just don’t go. Stay. Stay with me. Stay, I’m begging you…Please.”

His cranium shakes slightly, inhaling a deep breath as his frame turns away from her slowly. “You love me, that is the problem. I don’t want the problem anymore so I am solving it. Goodbye, Alora, I’ll be seeing you. ❞

“Brandon. Brandon. Brandon. Come back here…Brandon.” Alora’s voice cracking as his name rolls off her tongue, his boot clad feet echoing in her head as he languidly fades away, taking a couple of steps backward as her exposed back hits against the raven wall, sliding down as her arse hits the cold wooden surface. Wiping away the salty droplets that managed to escape before covering her with her palms.

▐ February 19th, 2020 • 11:00 AM

The splash of sunlight was distinct in her nearly closed lids. The rapid beating of her heart meant that she was still alive. That what happened with him last night didn’t cause the life to fade from her body but the funny thing is; she wished it had. She wished that she was dead. How could she go on knowing that he was gone? After all this time he realized that yesterday, yesterday, she wasn’t good enough anymore. When did he make up his mind? Was it over morning breakfast? Was it when he was pounding into her wet walls? Was it over their morning runs? Was it during their moonlight walks? When. She wanted to know when. She wanted to know when he stopped loving her because even though he said he didn’t. She knew better. She knew he loved her. She could feel it in the way that he kissed her, the way his brown opals pierced into hers, the way he held her at night. The way he smiled.

His smile, she knew it like the back of her hand. She knew that man. She knew her man. She knew his demons and still accepted him with open arms, she didn’t care about his past because all she cared about was the way he made her feel. The way he still made her feel. He was her everything; why did he throw her away like a rag doll?

Her right palm rested against her chest, a tear languidly glided down her right cheek hitting the crimson duvet. The tears that cascaded down her cheeks felt like acid against her face. It burned. It hurt. This pain was all consuming. He had caused this pain that swallowed her whole as she laid there still unable to move. Unable to speak. Unable to do anything. He was gone. She needed him. She needed him more than she needed air to breath, more than she needed water and food. More than she needs anything. He was her lifeline. “Brandon…Please come back to me, I need you. I need you so much. Please.”

“𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦? 𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘧𝘪𝘣𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺. 𝘐 𝘨𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘐 𝘨𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯’𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩. 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶? 𝘞𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶? 𝘐𝘵’𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘸𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘢 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦. 𝘋𝘪𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘦? 𝘞𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘢𝘵𝘤𝘩 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘴 𝘐 𝘣𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘥? 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴. 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘥𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴. 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦… 𝘐 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺; 𝘐 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦 𝘣𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺…”

[exaltinamorata]

⋆ part two - crippled by love ⋆

◇─◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────

Never confuse your fate with extremely bad luck.

⋆ CRIPPLED BY LOVE, PART TWO ⋆

“And I remember when I met him, it was so clear that he was the only one for me. We both knew it, right away. And as the years went on, things got more difficult; we were faced with more challenges. I begged him to stay. Try to remember what we had at the beginning. He was charismatic, magnetic, electric and everybody knew it. When he walked in every woman’s head turned, everyone stood up to talk to him. He was like this hybrid, this mix of a man who couldn’t contain himself. I always got the sense that he became torn between being a good person and missing out on all of the opportunities that life could offer a man as magnificent as him. And in that way I understood him and I loved him… I loved him, I loved him, I loved him. And I still love him. I love him…”

▐ October 20th, 2019 • 7:30 PM

“I can’t believe that you actually snuck out. Let’s hope your father doesn’t find out that you aren’t in your room tonight because I can only imagine what he would do if he found out that his precious angel isn’t in her room.” Hallie’s verdant spheres rolled clockwise before her head shook slightly, hooking her right arm with Alora’s left as a smile curved against her cherry stained lips. “Don’t worry, Alora. Tonight will be fun. Just try to have a good time and you might be surprised what happens. Who knows you might meet your prince charming tonight. Chin up, hon.” The words that Hallie uttered from her lips caused a coy grin to trace Alora’s lips as her right leg stepped over the threshold of the club entrance which was quickly followed by her left.

“I’m going to go talk to the DJ, go get us some drinks. And by drinks I mean alcohol.” Before Alora could utter the next word, Hallie had already disappeared into the crowd, chocolate colored pools navigating between each person that encompassed her lonesome figure, coral lips cleaving to accompany a disgruntled sigh. Alora continued to replay the words that her best friend spoke to her but it didn’t make any of this easy on her. This just wasn’t sitting right with her, none of it was. What had gotten into her? Was she so desperate for love that she would do this? What if her father did find out? What would happen then? He would lose it. Not only did he not know where his youngest child was, he had already told her that she couldn’t go out tonight. But she did anyway. This was a mistake. This was the type of think that Alex did, he was the one that felt the need to always disobey their father━Alora was different. She obeyed her father. She loved her father and even though she didn’t agree with his methods, she still loved him. This was stupid. She was stupid. It wasn’t too late to stop now and head home but could she really leave Hallie? She knew that her best friend could handle herself but Alora wouldn’t feel right leaving her so that meant only one thing; she would stay. If her father found out, then she would deal with the consequences later. She had no choice at this point.

Inhaling a death breath, the raven colored dress hiked upward with each step she took towards the bar; her arse rested against the wooden bar stool, right leg crossed over her left as her index finger lifted upward.

“Can I have a shot of vodka? I think I’m going to need it.”

Voka, really? She had never tasted alcohol in her life, even when her parents held their extravagant parties or galas, she didn’t get a drop of alcohol. Her father made sure of that. He didn’t want to see her innocence being tainted. Soft melodic laughter resonated from her throat at the mere thought of how angry her father would be if he saw her now. His innocent rose. His little angel was slowly coming down to earth, she was no longer being sheltered by what the world had to offer and in that moment, Alora finally realized that this was something that her father couldn’t control. There was nothing that he could do about this. He couldn’t stop her. He couldn’t scold her for enjoying herself (even though she wasn’t.) Her father couldn’t do anything about this and that warmed Alora’s heart. For tonight she was free. She was free to make her own decision; she was free to make her own mistakes. She was finally free even if it was only for one night. Alora knew that she wouldn’t do anything crazy because that wasn’t who she was but she knew that she didn’t want to be stuck anymore. She didn’t want to have to listen to Jalaina, Hallie and Jade talk about their love lives. Their experiences with the world. She wanted to live it. She wanted to live; for once. Even if it was for one night. She was going to do it. She was going to get out of her comfort zone, she had to.

Dark braids loosely fall around her petite shoulders as her fingers combed through them, whiskey tainted opals were affixed on the shot glass before her, index digit gliding against the rim of the glass. If she was going to get out of her comfort zone, then she needed to figure out a way to do that because sitting her alone at the party, staring at the vodka wasn’t going to change anything. She was still her. Nothing had changed.

“You keep glaring at it, when you’re supposed to drink it. You know, take it to the head.”

[exaltinamorata]

⋆ part one - crippled by love ⋆

◇─◇──◇────◇────◇────◇

Some say I'll be better without you but they don't know you like I do; or at least the sides I thought I knew.

⋆ CRIPPLED BY LOVE, PART ONE ⋆

“I was thinking that I know him. I know his heart, and I know what he wouldn’t do to hurt me. But I didn’t realize that feeling so confident, feeling so great about myself and then it would be completely shattered. By one thing. By something so stupid. But then you make me feel crazy, you make me feel like it’s my fault. I am in pain…”

Auburn orbs stayed fixated on the beginning of her journal entry, slender digits gripping onto the black ballpoint pen, inhaling a deep breath prior to her head nodding once.

‘Dear diary,

I never thought that I would feel this way, I never thought that I would find someone that would make me feel everything at once, I never thought that I would be smiling from ear to ear. That I would find something that made me genuinely happy. Something that my father had no control over—I was in love. I was falling faster than I ever expected, maybe it was because of the way he looked at me—maybe it was because he was damaged and allowed me to see his broken pieces—maybe it was because when he smiled. God, when he smiled. He looked so much like an angel. An angel that was all mine. Who would’ve thought? No me. I never thought that someone would ever feel that way about me. Why? That was simple, because I was the girl that looked twelve when she was really twenty-one. It was a sad life that I lived but it was the truth. The truth that I had been living with for years—especially when guys saw Hallie, they just forgot all about me. I didn’t blame them. My best friend was beyond gorgeous. And I was always fine with being in the background but when it came to him. He only saw me. He didn’t see her. He saw me. That was something that I couldn’t wrap my brain around but I loved it, I loved every moment of our time together. I just loved being in his orbit. I loved him…’

Whiskey tainted pools surveying each word that the olive journal held on its alabaster page, sinking pearly whites into the plush of my bottom lip in order not to burst out into a fit of laughter, her head shakes slightly prior to placing her journal to the side. Alora couldn’t remember how she felt in the past, she couldn’t remember who she was before the hurricane named Brandon walked into her life. Everything from now and October 20th 2019 was a haze. Their past was hazy and Alora was fine with that; the less she knew about him the better. Why would she want to relive the past? She didn’t but spending her nights reading her journal entries from 2019 wasn’t helping anyone. It was only making matters worse. She was becoming the master to her own destruction and at this rate, she would end up losing everything. Even if Brandon came back, he wouldn’t recognize the girl she had become. She had lost herself so long ago and she didn’t care who knew.

A soft sigh elicited from her throat, rustic hues stayed fixated on the white line that reflected in her orbs as she dipped her head downward; inhaling the alabaster substance as her nostrils flared up before whipping the remaining powder away.

“You know this isn’t you. What would your family think if they found out this is the person you have become? You really need to go back home, I’m sure many people miss you. What about Hallie? She needs you.”

A soft melodic laugh resonated from her throat, tilting her head back slightly to look at Daniel with a wry smile.

“Daniel, did I ever tell you the story of how I got here? No. It’s your lucky day, I am about to tell you the story of a girl that thought love was the answer to all her problems, a story about a girl that hopped for paradise but stepped into a war zone instead. Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? This is Crippled By Love; starting Alora Olivia Gray and it is one that is a page turner. Buckle your seatbelt, Daniel, things are about to take a turn for the worst. . .”

[exaltinamorata]

⋆ prologue ⋆

◇─◇──◇────◇────◇────◇────◇─

I set all my bridges on fire, to light your way to me. I would risk it all, just for another moment with you. Just like we used to be.

⋆ PROLOGUE ⋆

Love. Love is the greatest gift God ever gave man. Love is not wanting to go anywhere without him. Love is not caring what other people think about the two of you. Love is when you feel depressed and sickly when you’re not with him. You feel like your life has no meaning or purpose without him. And that if he wasn’t holding your hand you would float away to heaven from where he came. Love is caring for him physically and emotionally. Love is pure happiness. Love is the feeling you get when all you get when all you have to do is think of him and it brings a smile to your face and a yearning to your heart. Love is not being able to think about anything but him. Love is wishing your time with him never ends, that your lips would be locked together forever, that he’d be in your arms till the end of time, that you could cuddle with him for all of eternity. Love is being helplessly and deeply in love with him and knowing your love and feelings for him will never change or end.

That is what Alora Gray assumed love felt like, even though she had never experienced it herself—she had seen how her brother, Alex and his girlfriend, Jaliana were with one another. Their love was all consuming and that is what she wanted but every time she thought she was close, it never lasted. Love was like sand for Alora—always slipping through her grasp. Love wasn’t in the cards for her and to make matters worse; she had to deal with her strict father. If he had it his way she would never find her soulmate and would marry the man of his choosing but that wasn’t what Alora wanted—not at all. Didn’t she deserve to find her own happiness? She was twenty-two after all. Most girls her age were already engaged and she was here standing still—stuck. As all her friends moved on with their life. She was daddy’s little princess but she wanted more. The journalistic part of her life was going great but love—love was a different ball game.

A muted sigh elicited from coral petals, placing the pencil onto the wooden surface, chocolate orbs skimmed along the words which caused an amiable smile to curve on her lips.

“It’s 2019, I’m going to open my heart—forget about what my father wants. This is my year to have everything my heart desires…“

[exaltinamorata]

❈ Crippled By Love ◦ An Alora Gray Story ❈

━━ Fair warning:

This will be a short solos series with only five chapters Dark Themes will be discussed. ━━

Watch how Love Crippled me. . .

[exaltinamorata]

she found herself crippled by love

The definition of hopeless romantic is someone who loves the idea of being in love and tends to think of love as having fairy-tale qualities. That was the perfect example of Alora Gray, she was a hopeless romantic and even after failing at love, she still found herself wanting to fall in love, but it was hard when her father was strict. He never wanted her to find love, unless he was the one to make it happen. He was controlling and he saw love as a business transaction, if it didn’t result in funds in his bank account then he didn’t want it and that’s why he wanted his daughter to marry Victor Johnson, he had plans for the two families and no matter how much Alora begged—her father didn’t care. He wanted her to be with Victor. Alora wasn’t happy and she promised herself that she would find her own happiness and prove to her father true love did exist and she did find someone, Brandon Sullivan, was her way out of the loveless marriage that she was currently but is Alora prepared for what comes with falling in love? Will she be able to get her happy ending, or will her life always be in the hands of her father? Love is all that Alora wanted, and she would do anything to truly find it, even if it crippled her.