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[exclusively-for-you]

February 11, 2016. There was something about smoking that got Yoongi off. He didn't want to admit it but he preferred smoking, drinking and doing drugs better than anything else right now. He doesn't turn to sex for release. He no longer turns to music to relax. Ever since she had slipped into a coma, he lost his own purpose to live but he kept going. Kept going until he knows there was absolutely no chance for her to wake up. He was ready to die more than anyone else. He was ready to follow her as soon as her body and mind gives up. But for now, this was what all he could do. He was going crazy, hearing her voice everywhere—telling him to stop all this and go back to being the Yoongi she once knew but he never listened. She was just a voice after all. He cut off all contact he had with the outside world, kept to himself, ignoring every single person who tried to help him cope with losing her but he never listened. What do they know? He thought as he held a stick between two of his fingers, lighting his match as he inhaled the nicotine. It was ironic how he was smoking in a hospital. The rooftop was practically his home now, not really wanting to leave her alone for a day.

Yoongi, stop that. He ignored the voice. He knew that as soon as he listened, he had lost. Because as soon as he listens, it means he acknowledges the voice, it means that he was going crazy. He had been rejecting all the help offered by the facilitators in the hospital, telling them that nothing was ever going to help him forget the fact that he watched his girlfriend almost die in front of him because it took them too long to arrive. He blamed himself for everything, everyone knew that. He had dropped out of school, stopped attending underground rapping competitions, cut off all payments for song writing academies, withdrew his scholarship he planned with his girlfriend. It was like he had disappeared at the same time, he was still there.

"Damn it, Yoongi. What did you do to yourself? Stop doing this" The boy turned around to see his friends, well former friends. When he pushed everyone away from him, they were the ones he made sure to push away the farthest because he knew that they would try to fix him. Even if he doesn't want to be fixed. They wanted to see how their friend was doing, going through all the pain by himself. Now that they did, they regret ever giving him some time before seeing him. He was a mess, more of a mess than the things surrounding him—bottles of soju, cans of beer, packets of cigarette, boxes of match, syringes previously filled with drugs, small bags of cocaine. He was far from stable. They couldn't believe how much he had changed in a span of weeks.

"Yoongi—" Yoongi, please. Reaching for the glass bottles surrounding him, he started throwing them in different directions. He was starting to throw a fit making the others step away from his line of reach as to make sure they don't get hit during their friend's psychotic episode. They were resisting the urge to grab him together, bring him to the psychotic ward to get him treated. Or rehab. Grieving over a loss was normal, but this, what he's doing wasn't.

"Go away, Yunjin!" They all looked at each other, worried and confused as to why their friend was telling someone who was in a comatose for one month to go away. They watched him throw cans of beer as there were no bottles left to throw. They weren't enjoying the show; they just knew they couldn't stop him no matter what they say.

"Yoongi, are you...hearing things?" Seokjin spoke up, approaching his friend to place a hand on his shoulder. He was scared that he'd get injured or be a victim of circumstance but he was more afraid of what would happen to his friend if he just let him do whatever it is he wanted because he lost his first love. Besides, he knew quite well that his touch—no matter what the circumstances may be—would always calm Yoongi down. Even just for a little while. He was right. Yoongi's tensed muscles soon relaxed, his shoulders loosening up making it a sign for his friends to approach him, kicking away the broken glass and the mess he had made before sitting on the floor surrounding him.

That was when he let it all out. The tears, the restrained voice, everything. They didn't say anything. They knew that their presence was the only thing that mattered right as they simply hand their hands on Yoongi's back, allowing him to just cry all his frustrations out. She meant everything to him. She fixed him, made him who he was, supported him through all the stress he was feeling as an underground rapper. She was the only thing that kept him going until now. They all knew that he was going to ask her to marry him that day, right after they finish college. One more year. He thought. One more year until we could have been able to spend the rest of our lives together. Yoongi hugged his knees, cried until there was no tears left to cry with, wailed until his mouth had gone dry and his throat started croaking from the bawling. They felt sorry for him, wishing that there was some way they could make him feel better but in reality, they knew the only thing that could make him better was her waking up.

All his hard work had gone to the drain, after years of making her fall for him, after years of pursuing her, after years of bickering with her like children, all down the drain as this happened. He could never forget the moment he first laid eyes on her in the crowd. He wasn't able to catch her attention in fact, the one who did was Jungkook, their youngest. But that never stopped him, never stopped him from trying to catch her attention in the most childish way possible; picking on her. He remembered all those restless days of trying to pursue her over and over again, those restless days to make one perfect song for her, those restless days where he just couldn't sleep thinking about how it would be like if they were together. All those memories hurt him even more, made him cry even more despite the fact that there were no more tears left to shed. He just can't accept this, can't accept the fact that his girlfriend is literally on her death bed and there was nothing in his power that he could do.

"Yoongi..."

"She's gone. I keep hearing her, hyung. Telling me to give up" He buried his face in his hands, ignoring the feeling of dried up tears in his hands and cheeks. His eyes was swollen from all the silent crying he has been doing the past few days. He was killing himself slowly, with the smoking, the drinking, the doing drugs and he knew it. He was too scared to jump off or kill himself in any other way. He knew this was the most painful way to go but he somehow just couldn't help it.

"She's not gone. She's fighting. She'll wake up soon, Yoongi. We promise" They knew he was giving up, he was starting to lose hope that she'll even wake up anymore. It's been more than a month since the incident happened, the culprit caught a few hours after. They still couldn't forget how they all managed to convince Jungkook's parents to post Yoongi's bail for beating the guy to death. They were kind enough to help out. Their families were close. They all knew how much she meant to Yoongi, even his parents who never really approved of Yoongi's passion for music. His parents loved her, saw how much she managed to change Yoongi for the better. Got rid of all of his habits before he met her and now, all her efforts went down the drain. All the things he stopped for her, he did again. It was how he coped before she appeared in his life.

"How soon? You can't even answer that. Nobody can" Their conversation ended there as they all simply stayed by his side, stopping him from reaching out to grab anything else that would make his addiction stronger. He knew they meant well, Yoongi did. Which is probably why he didn't put up an argument when they did so.

"Yoongi, let's get you cleaned up" Seokjin said standing up, motioning the rest of the guys to do the same as they all extended their hand out to their friend. They knew he pushed them away. They knew he wanted to cut them off but they never really cared. They knew him enough to know that he only did that because he doesn't want to live anymore. Which is why he needed them the most. It was all up to them to make him feel better, even just for a little bit. It was up to them to cheer him up. To make him realize that all the things he's been doing so far to cope with the idea of her soon leaving was stupid.

"N—"

"Think about it. If she wakes up and you look like this, would she be happy?" He sighed, gave them permission to help him up. They were right. It didn't make much of a difference but they were right. He remembered the first time he talked her. He wasn't as worse as he was now but he still reeked of nicotine and alcohol combined plus his eyes were blood-shot red indicating that he had been using. He remembered the look of disappointment on her face. The look of disgust. The look of disapproval. He remembered it all too well. Thinking back, he realized that it wasn't the kind of look he wanted to be greeted with as soon as she woke up.

"You reek" Taehyung spoke up, twitching his nose as he pulled Yoongi up only to receive a light kick on the shin by Yoongi. He was in pain, Taehyung was but yet he still managed to flash his friend his famous box smile. That very smile Yoongi insults to a day to day basis for being too unusual. Taehyung received a middle finger from the older boy, not an insult but a finger. It's a start. Taehyung thought as they all helped clean up their friend's mess, throwing them in the nearest waste bin before heading down to the ground floor together.

Yoongi ignored all the stares and so did they. Whispers erupted, asking how they managed to get Yoongi out of the rooftop and out of the hospital after almost a month. Plus, he smiled. Not the kind where he smiled from ear to ear like how he smiles around her but it was still a smile, though small. His pride was too high to admit it but he missed this. He missed smiling and playing around with his friends. Missed insulting and picking on Jimin with Jungkook as his partner. Missed receiving side hugs from Taehyung out of the blue. Missed Hoseok's random comment and slapstick. Missed Namjoon and Seokjin's stupidity. All of it. And they knew it. They knew how much he missed everything. They knew how much he longed to be himself again which is why they were determined to do this. Determined to help him stand on his feet once more, with or without her. He knew they knew what he felt. It was why there were even friends in the first place. But what he didn't know was they went to check up on the doctor regarding her situation.

She wasn't doing quite well, wasn't recovering as how he had hoped she would. There wasn't much of a strong chance of her waking up well like how she did a month ago but they never wanted to tell Yoongi that. Not yet anyway. It was why they were more than determined to get him back on his feet. Because when she leaves, he can still be able live his life as how she wanted him to, not waste it away with drugs, alcohol and nicotine. Not killing himself slowly because of the loss of his first love. Just like how he had lived so far before they met years ago. She never wanted that for him and they knew that. They all did. They knew how much she meant to him, how much of a help she has been. To Yoongi, to them and to his family.

His parents never really approved of the idea of him going into the music industry, much less underground. They always imagined him to be on top, handling one of their business like his older brother. But no, he never wanted that. His passion for music was too strong for him to want to stop for some lame business which was why his parents never really approved of him. Yoongi had it hard, constantly compared to his older brother who used to be his role model. He was lost. The brother he once knew and loved was no more. Even his brother looked down on him, considered him as a disgrace. He had no one else to turn to. Those three things—drugs, smoking, alcohol—were the only things he could rely on. Song-writing wasn't enough to deal with the stress given to him by his family.

He started living underground where he met Hoseok. The very first friend he made since he was a kid. They were polar opposites but there was this certain ray of light he emitted that made him feel calm and warm inside. He never wanted to be his friend in the first place but Hoseok insisted, annoyed him every single day until he got used to his company. Soon enough, he found himself opening up to him, telling him the story of his entire life as Hoseok did with his. They got along quite well. Hoseok introduced him to Jimin and Jungkook who were underground dancers during that time. Introduced him to Namjoon who he became close to, writing songs together. Introduced him to Seokjin and Taehyung who often sponsored the equipments for all those underground competitions. They all became so close, so inseparable everyone started thinking they were long-lost brothers, meant to be together through their entire lives.

"Yoongi?" He snapped out of his thoughts, looked up to be welcomed by the sight of his house. It's been a month since he last came home. He was too messed up, didn't want to hear anything from his parents. Didn't want to be blamed for her accident which was never even his fault in the first place. At least, that's what everyone was telling him. He was doubtful. He was feeling bad enough with what happened to her a month ago and he certainly didn't want to hear anything from his parents indicating that it was his fault. But of course, his friends didn't care how he feels. Grabbing Yoongi's wrist, they entered the Min household only to be greeted by Yoongi's parents and brother who were equally shocked with what had become of their maknae.

"Yoo—"

"Not now. Please" Yoongi walked pass them, heading straight for his room only to be pulled back by his mother, hugging him tightly. He was genuinely shocked. And confused, asking himself what his mom accidentally ate to become like this. It was unusual for his mom to be this touchy or to be this affectionate towards someone else other than his older brother.

"It must have been hard for you. Seeing her like that every day for a month. Don't worry. They're the best hospital in Korea. We made sure the best team would take of her. She'll be fine" Yoongi knew he should have been pissed by now, only caring for him because they liked the idea of her being an additional member of the family. But somehow, he didn't care right now. Any help was good help. As long as it helped her wake up sooner, he was fine with it. Besides, he didn't want to admit it but he liked this feeling. Given attention by his family not because he did something awful but because they wanted him to feel better. They didn't like the idea of him pursuing music but they didn't like the idea of him trying to kill himself because she's dying more. They all wanted the best for him and they realized that the best for him was to support him, no matter how stupid and how unrealistic his dreams may be.

February 16, 2016. Five days. It has been five days since Yoongi last visited the hospital. Throughout those days, he was too busy doing whatever his friends had been urging him to do, bringing him back to his feet. Bringing him back underground, re-enrolling himself to school, re-applying for the scholarship he had been planning with her, re-attaching all the ties he had everywhere. He was getting busy, got his mind off the idea of her no longer waking up and he was thankful for that. He didn't want to admit it but he knew he needed it. Thinking back, he realized. Perhaps this was why he didn't want to see his friends. Because he knew they'd bring him back to his feet. Because he knew it'd make him realize that what he was doing to cope up was irrational because at that time, he didn't want to be rational.

"Hey man, Yoongi! Long time no see. How've you been?" Jackson, one of his fellow underground rapper, approached the group with a smile. He was genuinely worried about Yoongi's well-being. Visited him and his girlfriend thrice a week in the hospital the past month, checking up on both of them. Which is why seeing him back on his feet made him feel relieved.

"I—" And just like that, Yoongi's phone rang, receiving a call from an unknown number. Normally, he doesn't answer calls from unknown numbers, rejecting it directly but he was hopeful—thinking it would be the hospital, telling him that she had woken up so he answered it.

"H-Hello?" His voice was shaky and he couldn't help it. What if he was right? What if she'd never wake up? What if she chose to just give up her life? What if she chose to let go? His friends were looking at him, equally hopeful and worried for what's to come of their friend. They knew that the only thing that was keeping Yoongi together was the thought that she'd wake up one day and everything would back to normal.

"Yoongi..." His breath hitched. She was awake. She was finally awake. His tears started streaming down his face as his closed shut. His friends didn't know whether to take that as a good sign or not. He wasn't speaking, just sobbing through the phone, clutching on to it as if it was his dear life. It was good to hear her voice again. That very soft and soothing voice that helps him write. Helps him sleep at night. Helps get rid of the stress he's been feeling. All worries seem to have floated away as he heard her call his name.

"Yoon—"

"Yunjin" They heaved a sigh of relief. She was alright, awake. Everything would be back to normal, they had hoped. Yoongi would go back to being the most famous underground rapper in Seoul and his friends would be all there, by his side, making fun of him and his girlfriend. That was what they had hoped for, wished for to happen. Go back to the good old times when everything were simply unicorn and rainbows.

"Promise me...you'll let me go"

"Yunjin, what're y—"

"Promise me, Yoongi. That you'll live on and not waste your life away"

"Yunjin—"

"Goodbye, Yoongi. I love you" There was silence. Their smiles disappeared as soon as Yoongi frowned. His fists clenching. It was never a good sign. They knew it wasn't. Something must have happened. Something not good. Something they know they couldn't stop. Something that had just ruined Yoongi's entire life.

"Hello?"

"Yunjin?"

"Yoongi-ssi, I'm sorry...She's dead"

February 25, 2016. There were days when he wants to get on with his life and move on and there were just days when he just wants to give everything up. Today was one of those days. The dreams weren't helping either. He still clung on to her, hoping that she'd be back by his side and that everything will be back to normal as soon as he wakes up but it never did. He looks for ways. Ways that he could distract himself, get his mind off of her but somehow, no matter what he does, his thoughts, everything always floats back to her after a while.

He knows he can't keep going on doing random things to distract himself. It never works. Because every time he stops, the thoughts come back. Everything reminds him of her and it hurts him so much more. It hits him so much more. It makes him want to give up so much more to the extent that his addiction wouldn't be much of a help anymore. To the extent that being with his friends doesn't really cheer him up anymore. To the extent that he feels no purpose in his life, wanting to just seclude himself in a room and die slowly with tears constantly flowing down his cheeks.

Perhaps this was how it's all supposed to be. She dies, leaving him alone in the harsh world, contemplating whether he should follow her or not. It wasn't much of a competition. There wasn't much for him here anymore. Now that she was long out of the picture.

"Yoongi! Don't!" He was standing by the edge of their school's rooftop, facing down on the floor which was 10 floors away. Tears were slowly streaming down his cheeks as he remembered the best day of his life. Every word they uttered. Every gesture they both did. Everything. Down to the last little detail.

"This was where I confessed to her. Asked her to be my girlfriend" He had his eyes closed, feeling the breeze of the wind and ignoring what seemed to be shouts from the students down the first floor. Yoongi was loved, respected and looked up to. Everyone tried to convince him to not jump, convince him this wasn't worth it but right now, it all sounds like static to him. A barrier between him and his dead girlfriend. An interference, telling him to keep dealing with the fact that the only person he'll ever fall in love with over and over again is dead and he's alive and well.

"Yoongi, Yunjin wouldn't want this"

"WHAT DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS?!" He turned around, facing his friends as his tears were now violently falling, drop by drop, non-stop. He couldn't stop crying. All the memories they had. All the laughs they shared. All the tears they shed. It was all coming back to him in one big ball, hitting him across the face, telling him to just hold on to those memories and follow her. Telling him to never leave a chance of him falling for some other girl he knows would never replace her, would never make him feel the same way as how he felt when they were together.

"Because she told you, didn't she?" He looked up, locking his gaze with Hoseok who had nothing but worry written all over his face. Yoongi was his best friend and there was no way he was losing him like this. He could see Yoongi's sadness, his desperation to just be with her once again. His eyes were pleading him to just let him be, let him go and follow her where he knows would make him happier but Hoseok refused. He wasn't selfish. He had his own promise to keep for her and that was to help Yoongi get back on his feet no matter what. Help him find someone else, someone much better than her. Someone who wouldn't leave so easily.

"I can't do this, Hoseok. I can't live without her"

"Let us help you" They extended their hands, just like how they did at the hospital's rooftop only this time, Yoongi had no plans on accepting any of their hands. They couldn't move forward. They knew him too well. They knew that if they did, he'd jump. If they didn't, he'd also jump. They were stuck. They couldn't save him and they knew that. But they didn't want to witness him kill himself either.

"Yoongi, you could go back to being an addict for all we care. Just please, not this"

"You think being on drugs help? I don't want to die slowly. Who knows how long that'll take me" He took a step backward. The edge of his soles no longer feeling any ground. This was it. This was the time he gets to see her again. The time he gets to touch her again. The time he gets to feel her fingers wrapped around his own again.

Yoongi, please.

One last tear fell down his cheek. One last smile he had flashed to his friends. One last 'I'm sorry' emitted from his mouth as he closed his eyes and leaned back with a smile. His mind blank yet filled with thoughts and memories of her; of them together these past few years. He could feel her love again, feel alive again even though he was so close to greeting death, greeting her on the other side of life. A life with her, forever.

"Yoongi" His eyes shot open as he examined his surroundings. Everything was white, no other color. Just white. So pure and innocent. White. He turned his head and there she was. The girl he had loved all his life. The only girl he promised to love forever. The only person he promised to follow to death. The only girl worth dying for.

"You came..."

"I promised you, didn't I? That we'd be together forever" A smile appeared on his lips, something that hadn't crept its way up since she was on her death bed. A smile he hadn't flashed until his last moment. A smile he last flashed to his now grieving friends.

And now, we will be. A smile...that would never leave his face ever again.