existentialomelette

[existentialomelette]

To Purchase Femininity Itself - Part 3 - Market Logic Over Social Conditions

Lastly, if it was not enough that both we and the goals themselves are against us, but capitalism is here to exploit our vulnerability. For neoliberalism to turn the multifaceted and diverse range of gender expression into a set of criteria to conform to allows our struggle to be easily commodified into something that could be targeted for profit, something to be branded, and to be advertised towards. It is as if femininity itself has been transformed from that sense of womanhood to now a particular image that can only be achieved through makeup, clothes, hormones, or other commodities and procedures.

No longer is it enough to feel like a woman or to love yourself as you are; now it requires time, monetary investment, and pain that is otherwise unneeded. I understand that we must still strive to be happy with ourselves and apply the effort, but it should not be as a blind slave to the system, unconscious of the oppression we willingly subject ourselves to. So, what must I do? I often think of these situations, especially after my lessons on neoliberalism and my dive into philosophy, yet I still have no answer. I am at a point in my life where I am recovering from the trauma of the “Me” I was forced to be, but now that I am here fighting for my “I,” it has dawned on me that I never escaped my confinement but had only remolded the prison cell. So, for now, to combat this neoliberalist situation, I must struggle as a satisfied pig who aspires to transcend rather than a dissatisfied woman, only until I have found my answer. Writing this essay has made me realize how difficult it is to navigate the contradictory situation of personal liberation and conformity to neoliberal ideals. However, I do believe that in writing this and acknowledging the complexity of it all is the first step in achieving a more fulfilling life. 

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To Purchase Femininity Itself - Part 2 - Personal Responsibility and Individualism

I agree with Bourdieu that capital provides individuals with an unequal advantage in terms of achieving such femininity. However, it is not enough to look at the advantages others are born with, but also at the entirety of the system itself, how is it that one is personally responsible to not only keep up with the already demanding standards of female femininity, but also with the biological, social, and cultural handicap of being born a man (trying to transform themselves or transition entirely). It is as if I were predisposed to fail, to seek happiness in a world that seems to be against me wherever I look. I cannot go back to my family expecting to be accepted, nor can I confidently chase after the community I idolize while simultaneously being disgusted with my appearance.

So I tell myself that I, as an individual, must strive to achieve these expectations to become happy, accepted, and beautiful. Still, I often forget that this is merely an internalized agreement with the oppressive system—a false consciousness, one could say. We praise this style of expression as an outlet for becoming our authentic selves, but fail to realize that in doing so, we are perpetuating this toxicity, harming not only ourselves but also those who came before us and those who hope to become their own beautiful selves in the future.

In trying to be individuals, we ended up forgetting ourselves. On one hand, there is this drive to become a better version of myself for myself, which requires conformity as the only way I know how is through a standard I can strive for, but on the other hand, how can we in the LGBTQIA+ community fight for our right to be ourselves, to break from the shackles of an oppressive society whilst also creating our own shackles. I believe a statement in Butler’s (1991) essay, “Imitation and Gender Insubordination,” relates to this irony, saddeningly well, where she says, “Is it not a sign of despair over public politics when identity becomes its own policy?” Exactly that, we praise the idea of accepting our own identity, only to end up, in some sense, back where we started, conforming to strict ideals.

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To Purchase Femininity Itself - Part 1 - Introduction

There are creators known for their gender non-conforming fashion style, body archetype, and behavior, who primarily post on TikTok regarding the subject of crossdressing. This is a form of gender expression commonly seen in the LGBTQIA+ community, defined in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary (2025) as “the wearing of clothes typically associated with the opposite sex.” Although seen as cute, pretty, and even a work of art, when it comes to the seemingly righteous goal of self-expression, it harbors its own toxic and unrealistic ideals that can lead to unhealthy consequences for those who participate in it. It is a style of expression that heavily relies on the concept of femininity, which I believe is heavily influenced by neoliberalism, and one that is exacerbated by the unique situation femboys (cisgendered men who express themselves with traditionally feminine behaviours) and transwomen experience with their male bodies. Having experienced the highs and lows of presenting as a femboy and currently the gender dysphoria of being trans, it is this unapologetic and oppressive system of beauty, fueled by the pressure of achieving feminine ideals, control of one’s own body, and the societal pressure of conforming (in an ironically non-conforming standard) that leads to self-acceptance being an arduous and painful journey to traverse for those who just want to be happy in their own skin. 

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How Should One Live? - Part 7 - Reflection and Final Notes

Honestly, I'm pretty happy and proud of this essay, this was probably the first essay or continuous piece of writing I've done on philosophy since the time I started to really get into this around 4 years ago. I've got a few more essays I'd like to post, but I think this is a good start for the blog.

I still believe in a lot of the stuff I wrote months later, but now that I look back, I unintentionally wrote about a lot of similar concepts with many other philosophers I'm currently reading on. Still frustrated that school's being such a bitch, I don't really have the time to read that much or write. This essay was for my Ethics class so it had to be a bit restrictive and informative rather than purely emotional but I'll definitely revisit a bunch of these topics later on. The next one I plan on posting is my sociology paper on how neoliberalism and capitalism are detrimental to femboys and transgender women.

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How Should One Live? - Part 6 - Conclusion

I am now ready to answer you, to answer Socrates, to answer myself……I believe the answer to “How Should One Live” is that…..I do not really know. Knowing and accepting all these ideas, I understand that I should not limit myself to any singular school of thought but choose to exist in a way that provides me the most happiness by achieving the best version of myself through discipline, knowledge, and love, even if this must be acquired through acceptance of certain social norms and the breaking of others that seek to oppress me in any negative way, that being mediocrity or pain, so be it. Also, by accepting the idea that nothing matters, I am freed to enjoy this existence however I see fit. So, you ask me, as I asked myself countless times, I answer over and over again with notions of believing this, doubting that, loving this, hating that, following this, opposing that, or finding meaning in everything, and finding no meaning in anything at all. It isn’t a question I can truly answer, but it is one I can only actively live to try and resolve. Maybe the endless search for the answer to such a question is what life truly is; Socrates just found a way to give it a name.

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How Should One Live? - Part 5.1 - Existential Schools of Thought (Existentialism, Absurdism, Nihilism)

Currently, I firmly believe that life is devoid of meaning, that we were stolen from non-existence, forced into reality, only to slowly wither to death. I do not see this as something to lament over but as something beautiful; I understand that everything I do, everything I am, and everything I believe in will disappear ever so quickly once I am gone, but I do not care. Why must I trouble myself when I know these ideas will vanish as if they were truly important, real, or meaningful to begin with? Why must I fear death if there is no afterlife, nor is there my conscious self to experience it? Just as Epicurus said, “Why should I fear death? If I am, then death is not. If Death is, then I am not. Why should I fear that which can only exist when I do not?” 

So, if I must accept the inevitable reality that all that I am will be nothing but ashes and forgotten memories, then why persist? It is this complex yet calming notion that because I came from nothing and nothing I will go to, I may live my life absent of any worry; there is no eternal damnation to fear nor benevolent entity to appease; I simply exist for myself. If I conclude that I am for myself, then I also question why I choose to even exist, would suicide not be the better option? I will feel no guilt, no shame, no fear, for I cannot feel anything at all. To this, I tell myself that because I know I will cease to exist at some point, why must I rush? I exist now, and only now; I have the whole of eternity to be nothing, but I was “granted” consciousness, so I choose to live it to my fullest; however, that may be, it matters not, only that I live well.

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How Should One Live? - Part 5.0 - Existential Schools of Thought (Existentialism, Absurdism, Nihilism) 

From the beginning of the conscious part of this journey till what looks to be the end of the only journey that matters, what I speak of to you, reader, is the one philosophical endeavor that has made everything I have discussed up to this point absolutely pointless (in one way or another). To live one’s life, one must first understand existence and everything that surrounds it, believe in a concept, and then formulate an opinion; once this simple sequence of intellectual events occurs, the question of “how one should live” can be answered. 

However, what is there to be done when one arrives at the realization that nothing matters? “There is no intrinsic meaning to life,” the basis of Nihilism (The Editors of Encyclopedia Britannica, 2018). At first, I did not bother to formulate a futile answer; I simply told myself that there was nothing that I could do. I would live in a way that staves off death or misery, not due to belief in how we must actually live, but because it is the most convenient; no goal, no ambition, only primal desire to live and reproduce, a slave to anything willing to be my master. I hated this concept, especially one I depressingly embraced at such a young age, so I tried again. I considered aspects of religion and fatalism only to realize that it was hard determinism looked at through rose-tinted glasses, in a way, fed to the masses to keep them obedient. Then, I stumbled upon existentialism and absurdism, two of the three existential schools of thought that believe life is meaningless. The first states that we must create our own meaning, while the second thinks that we must accept this absence of meaning and purpose and live well regardless of this fact  (Sinha et al., 2022). Like what Albert Camus (1942) described in his book “Camus: The Myth of Sisyphus,” one must imagine Sisyphus happy, as life is merely a daily struggle of lifting the stone of repeating monotony. 

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How Should One Live? - Part 4 - Religion, Atheism, and Tradition

“God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him.” (Nietzsche, 1882) A quote that, at first, felt violent and sacrilegious to the highest degree, for what are we mere mortals to declare such a thing,  but it soon dawned on me that we may not have tangibly murdered such a being. Still, we have rid ourselves of its value and existence in our minds (Hendricks, 2022). This resonated in an understanding that I did not realize sooner to be of the utmost sense. In the same manner as the growing popularity of atheism during the Age of Enlightenment in Europe (Kors, 2013) and in our society, reason, logic, and science slowly bled the notion of religion in my mind until it was nothing but a rotting corpse that, try as it must, willed upon itself to crawl back into my blasphemous thinking. I, too, shared the concern Nietzsche had about the disappearance of traditional religious values, not in society at large but in myself. Could I live without the teachings fed to me? Could I thrive in a world without them? Would I turn to murder, theft, rape, manipulation, genocide? 

As I pondered these horrid possibilities, I eventually argued and fought for my free will against myself. I asked: Why should I define the entirety of my existence on the values taught to me? The decisions I make and the thoughts I manifest were not done for me, yes? If so, then why must I suffer the paradox of freedomless autonomy? So I fought, I won, and I lost, embracing science and reason, unshackling myself, and furthering my march (on one front among many others) towards a more enlightened and educated self, one step into my own journey of Maslow’s self-actualization (Vinney, 2018). Although the desire for freedom and, ultimately, atheism required a discourse of the mind, it was also significantly influenced by the feeling of overbearing control from a conservative family. In a way, not only did I bleed God in my mind, but those who forced it upon me only assured that it would be butchered into insignificance. They wanted me to be the ideal son of their fantasies, to disregard education, to raise a family early, to inherit their legacy, to marry a woman, to be dull, obedient, dependent, and stupid. But I was not; I could not, and I would not; I sought more in my life; I was filled to the brim with ambition, knowledge, and passion, all things they believed to be eccentric and unnecessary. I had had enough. I did not want to be a mere puppet, to walk a straight line. I was forced into this world by their irresponsible decision to bear children they could barely love, and now, instead of giving me what I wanted, what I needed, they tell me how to live my life. But no, I will break free; I will not swallow their prescribed happiness; I will not just survive; I will thrive. 

Note: I just realized after rereading this portion of the essay, I have A LOT of resentment and religious trauma lol. Also, its kind of edgy and I'm kinda embarrassed, but I shouldn't really care cause its what I genuinely felt while writing this essay and that's whats important.

[existentialomelette]

How Should One Live? - Part 3 - Aristotelian Ethics and Kantian Ethics

Two ethical theories have clashed in my mind since I learned of them, as they are the highest representation of a simple conflict I have suffered in my life. One asks me to achieve ”Eudaimonia via Areté” by becoming the best version of myself (Kraut, 2022), while the other states that I must ignore my egoistic ideals and self-centered desires for improvement, as this indulgence would undermine universal morality (Johnson & Cureton, 2004). Similar to the rules placed upon me by my conservative family, I struggle to see the value of self-improvement if I am to subject my being to the reality of nonconformity; I ask myself if this is a choice worth pursuing if it means the abandonment of comfort, acceptance, and respect? I liken myself to the possibility of becoming my very version of Nietzsche’s Übermensch (Maden, 2022), to escape the “office in the city” and “explore over the concrete lights,” evolving into an ideal of myself that does not satisfy my “creators” but revel in the delight of myself studying the natural sciences and the deeper discussions of reason and philosophy. As a young teen who has been recently navigating the challenges of medically diagnosed mental illness and the complexities of a “gifted” IQ, I see in me a deviant no matter the choice I take; I see in me an outcast no matter how much I beg, but most importantly, I see in me a boy woman who has been gifted the opportunity to not only improve oneself but to do so for the betterment of others and the whole of my community as much as one can. 

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Master List

Blog Introductions - existentialomelette

How Should One Live? - Part 1 - Intro How Should One Live? - Part 2 - Utilitarianism and Hedonism How Should One Live? - Part 3 - Aristotelian Ethics and Kantian Ethics How Should One Live? - Part 4 - Religion, Atheism, and Tradition How Should One Live? - Part 5.0 - Existential Schools of Thought (Existentialism, Absurdism, Nihilism) How Should One Live? - Part 5.1 - Existential Schools of Thought (Existentialism, Absurdism, Nihilism) How Should One Live? - Part 6 - Conclusion How Should One Live? - Part 7 - Reflection and Final Notes

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How Should One Live? - Part 2 - Utilitarianism and Hedonism

Utilitarianism and Hedonism

A noble philosophy that aims to take the action that produces the greatest amount of "good" for the greatest number of people, but does not necessarily see value in the action itself insofar as it produces the majority's agreed-upon idea of what is good. It is a consequentialist philosophy (Driver, 2009). Jeremy Bentham and John Stuart Mill, notable utilitarians and hedonists, believed that maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain should be the prime reasoning for any action; both argued for the same goal of utilitarianism, but how they approached such an objective was handled differently. The former believed that, theoretically speaking, a sort of hedonic/felicific calculus was possible, that the amount of happiness or pain an action produces could be quantitatively measured, in a sense, and used to determine a happiness score that could influence our ideas of certain decisions (West & Duignan, 2024). On the other hand, the latter wanted a less indifferent approach and a more qualitative one wherein we choose actions that provide a better quality of pleasure, which fosters a society that may achieve happiness for a more significant number of people (Brink, 2007). 

I agree with utilitarianism's foundational belief that the end goal in life is to achieve happiness, as I see that in my decisions and those around me. I live fulfilling my dreams, executing my plans, and reducing all current and possible pain. However, solely aiming for a life that reduces pain as much as possible, as described by hedonists, I believe, could bring about the stagnation of society or the “self.” As argued by Nozick's Experiencing Machine, although hedonists agree that all pleasure is good, given the choice of infinite pleasurable experience, humans still would not choose such a faith as it would be devoid of the journey towards such outcomes, the essence of humanity, and a more profound understanding of reality (Hindriks & Douven, 2018).  In some sense, a similar interpretation of this criticism is that society may only improve if it is allowed to make and learn from its mistakes. Progress, to which happiness is born, requires failure to be achieved. Arguably, one could even say that happiness itself does not have intrinsic worth but only possesses such because of the presence of displeasure that provides it with value. Two examples of such dystopian possibilities are the Hedonists from C.M. Kösemen’s book titled “All Tomorrows” and Calhoun's Rodent Utopia experiment, in which both I see as the lack of pain in life strips humans of the need to improve, then the necessity of purpose, and eventually pleasure leading to the retardation seen in the first example and the societal collapse in the second. 

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How Should One Live? - Part 1 - Intro

Hi, this is my first-ever non-intro post. It's about an essay I wrote last semester on my personal take on how I would answer Socrates' question of "how one ought to live." I think I'm gonna split this into different posts so it's easier to read compared to me dropping a 5-page Google Docs file out of nowhere.

How Should One Live? To kill, to save, to steal, to give, to need, to want, to reject, to hate, to love, or simply…….to live? It is such a simple question; many of us are sure we know the answer to, but is such confidence unfounded? It is a paradoxical question of both (seemingly) ubiquitous truth and subjective reasoning. We understand that universally, we should not kill nor should we steal; we know that we have the free will to live our lives however we see fit, yet these simple ideas plagued my mind to such an extent that I questioned the very purpose of my existence, my will to live, and even the “simpler” decision of death. Socrates formulated this question to ask what virtue is, how it is achieved, its effects on emotion and decision, and whether or not it ultimately leads to happiness (Oppong, 2023); now, I attempt to silence him in my mind.  Through my years of reflection and study, I have dived into the endless rabbit hole of Philosophy and Religion. Gaining a humble understanding and opinion of many schools of thought and fields of knowledge, such as Utilitarianism, Aristotelian Ethics, Kantian Ethics, Religion, Atheism, Existentialism, Absurdism, and Nihilism. Through these, I asked myself over and over again the same damning questions, so I will enumerate the tiring and barely fulfilling journey I have gone through up to this point as I study myself in terms of what the “self” is, why it is so, how I must continue, why I have yet to kill it, and my answer to it.

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Some Context before Some Yapping

Hi! I'm Ashlyn, 18F, neurodivergent femqueen, and I just found out that Tumblr is a good place for me to rant about my love for Philosophy and the Sciences.

Specifically, I'm into Existentialism, Absurdism, the Hellenistic Philosophies, Gender theory, Duty Ethics, Utilitarianism, and really any other Philosophical school of thought I didn't mention here.

Apart from that, I am also a Biology student, obsessed with microbiology, evolution, and zoology, and I like to dip my toes in a little bit of sociology, psychology, astronomy, economics, and mythology.

A friend advised me to use this to cope with my mind and relieve my intellectual overexcitability, so here we are. As the top text suggests, this will be about my random rants and occasional essays when I'm not drowning in university work or existential crisis episodes.

I love reading, writing, painting, and debating, so I'm always open to chatting about anything.

“God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him” (Nietzsche, 1882).

It is precisely this that we must accept, faith (in anything) was and will always be merely a means to a comfortable, ignorant, blissful end.

MASTER LIST