experimental-intellection

[experimental-intellection]

new beginnings are scary but they're necessary new beginnings are scary but they're necessary new beginnings are scary but they're necessary new beginnings are scary but they're necessary

[experimental-intellection]

Something I wish I could share with a someone I still can't shake..

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I am not going to go gentle into the good night.

I'm gonna be a massive bitch about it.

[experimental-intellection]

I have the blessing of having a healthy relationship with my daughter.

I have the blessing of being in a safe and communicative relationship with a wonderful partner.

I have the blessing of having an approachable and thoughtful therapist.

I have the blessing of being prescribed medications that help with my anxiety.

and I finally have the blessing of having my own place that is quiet and mine (however small 😅).

...and yes, there is still a separation/divorce that is in its third year, and my abusive someday-soon-to-be ex, while beating the odds regarding her cancer diagnosis, hasn't changed her ways and still makes coparenting difficult, and I haven't done right by many of the people who have cared for me over the last few years, and my finances are still in a state of recovery, and I still struggle with a life lived full of religious trauma and manipulation...

...but I know I'm not the only one who has experienced complex trauma and narcissistic abuse, and I have a kind of hope that I can heal and change and be a more grounded and consistent place of safety for myself and the people who care for me... that I can be in a place where I can reach out and make amends with people I've fell out of touch with...

[experimental-intellection]

Over a year ago I built up a corner of the basement, of the house I co-own, to help support the person who I had been trying to divorce but who'd gotten really sick...

Moving in helped me get closer to my daughter but in parallel my mental health took a hit...

In the wake of the soon-to-be-former spouses health improving, we are coming up on the final stretch of the renewed divorce proceedings, and in the process I'm moving into my own place all by my lonesome...

I'm happy but its also weird to see things so emptied out and to be starting something new...

(Also, I've been living in maybe 200 square feet, underground, for months so this gif is the closest I could get to conveying a feeling while being completely comparatively inaccurate 😅)

[experimental-intellection]

Genuinely thanking Mighty Coconut for their Walkabout Mini Golf VR game.

My brother lives in Colorado and the last few weeks my daughter and I, on separate Quest 2's, have been playing with him from Rhode Island... last night the three of us took a break mid game and chilled on a whale as it swam around the beautifully designed Atlantis map... We've gotten to geek out together on the Wallace & Gromit, Meow Wolf and Lair DLC's (creepy ass penquins 😅). We've all laughed over the involuntary excited shouts and mumbled expletives when balls get lazered at just the wrong moment (the ball physics are perfect)... This game comes very close to fulfilling the promise of VR and is very bonding.

Only feedback if anyone is listening is broadening out interactive elements, the occasional beach ball is great and we need more of that. Also a feature to give high fives would be fun too.

Also, my brother loves the Sir Didymus avatar.

[experimental-intellection]

The holocaust of the European Jews of the 1940's should be taught within the fabric of past, contemporary and present ethnic cleansings and atrocities. By teaching what happened during WWII as a unique instance there is the risk of Never Again applying to a people, or group of peoples, when it should be applied to all peoples. We should be teaching our young people how to identify the criteria for persecutions of any group and the mechanics of how those persecutions can be scaled up to tragedies against whole peoples.

Can't wait for the uniqueness of the holocaust to be a topic of importance in a political campaign in america in 2024. That's how it should be. That's normal

[experimental-intellection]

After almost five years I am finally feeling like I can breathe.

The Timeline:

September 2019 - Started opening up conversations with the spouse about concerns I was having about our relationship of 15 years...

March 2020 - The Year of Covid begins, conversations continue without progress but at least there is relative peace as our family hunkers down together...

April 2021 - I admit to the spouse to a month-long affair and we begin our separation... I move in with a friend nearby for the next two years.

June 2022 - After multiple failed conversations to work out how to mutually move forward in a way that is best for our child (namely being asked to take my name off the deed to our house and walking away from everything while also providing financial support) the spouse files for divorce but her communication with her lawyer goes from occasional to not at all by the end of the year.

January 2023 - Spouse admitted to hospital, diagnosed with late stage Big C and comes close to to being unalive three separate times before the month is out... Is allowed to go home at end of month.

July 2023 - After months of offering to help without a concrete response I make the decision to move into the basement to help the spouse and support our daughter.

March 2024 - After months where it appears that treatments are keeping the spouse in relative health I file for divorce so that we can both hopefully life our lives separately with a structured understanding.

June 2024 - In our first official divorce proceeding (met in April and spouse did not have a lawyer) the spouses lawyer repeats exaggerations and fictions given to them by their client without having proof in hand to gain advantage in court, judge asks lawyers to coordinate before next hearing...

The other day - An actual bonafide turning point during our second hearing where her lawyer was professional and worked with mine after all the right paperwork had been turned in by both.

Today - Feeling like I exist in a reality where somebody finally sat the spouse down after the last three years and let them know that some communication was needed and mutually assured destruction wasn't helpful to our daughter. I actually slept the last two nights and didn't have any stress/anxiety induced dreams.

Looking to move out by September with understood and communicated guidelines and contingencies in place. The next few years are not going to be easy but I feel like they will be more manageable than they would have been otherwise.

[experimental-intellection]

Been doing some dedicated reading on Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and types of treatment and it's weirdly got me thinking in parallel how the idea of having a ships counselor on the bridge of a federation flagship on a regular basis was a totally inspired and woefully underutilized idea from a writing standpoint...

There was a real opportunity to explore more fully how 'enlightened' people in a mature and stable society address challenges and experiences that can question one's sense of self-confidence and sanity. This is kinda a fault of Trek overall (with the exception of Discovery, which I think is a main reason that one throws people off, at least once a day I hear Booker in my head from season 3 "What if we, for a moment, accessed our higher selves?" and how that first S03 episode was all about feeling our feelings 😅)

This wasn't an issue of Deanna Troy as a character just a fault of less-than-stellar writing.

[experimental-intellection]

16 year old daughter grinding through achievements in Horizon Forbidden West and idly humming to herself the melody of a 23 year old song that she came across somewhere...

My 45 year old 6'3 dadbod ass confidently adding in the lyrics as I'm watching her play...

😅🤣😂 da fuck.

[experimental-intellection]

[experimental-intellection]

I've decided to only share things that historically predate the Trump/Harambe timeline we've found ourselves stuck in...

[experimental-intellection]

Its funny how I'm looking at how long things have been going on for lately... is that a middle aged man thing?

For instance... the former president launched his 2016 campaign on June 15th of 2015... So he's been on his bullshit for almost nine years... Like... fuck me... almost nine years since that mother-fucker has been sucking up all the oxygen in the room and collecting idiots...

If you are a high school student in 2050 that's gonna be a whole three or four weeks of your junior year american history class right there... Lord...

[experimental-intellection]

I can't believe this is a 27 year old banger.

That being said it's never stopped giving me a shiver every. fucking. time.

Also, how the hell does an 18 year old (at the time) cut to the heart expertly how the differences between two people can lead to toxicity.

[experimental-intellection]

Holy Shit Fam.

DONALD TRUMP IS A FELON.

[experimental-intellection]

Next week is the start of round two of divorce proceedings with the hopefully soon soon-to-be-ex...

...eighteen years of the religiously backed narcissistic push and pull, preying on my insecurity and co-dependent flaws, never giving me true space to breathe...

...and then when I thought there was a path out, the first time we did this dance of dissolving the Mr and the Mrs... the Mrs got diagnosed with stage four of the Big C...

...and everyone said that maybe that would soften her, maybe that would help her grow some understanding and make it easier to co-parent our teen...

...but it didn't, it just gave her another thing to hang her entitlement on...

...and throughout all the years I've kept my hands at my side, as unclenched as possible, hoping that diplomacy and civility and reason would break through the denialism, the malice and the obfuscation...

...and throughout it all I've been trying to navigate the complex trauma borne of years of emotional manipulation and bullying all for the 'greater good'...

...I will stay the course but I am so tired... So very tired...

You wanna make me sick You wanna lick my wounds Don't you, baby? You want the badge of honor when you save my hide But you're the one in the way of the day of doom, baby If you need my shame to reclaim your pride