exposinganorexia

[exposinganorexia]

It's officially 6 years since I started my anorexia recovery

I honestly don't believe how much time has passed since I started this whole recovery process. I was about to turn 15 when I got hospitalized and it's just wild to think that next month I will be 21.

I was reading my old posts, especially the one I wrote one year into recovery. I was rather shocked reading it because I in a way forgot how hard it was 6 years ago.

That being said I no longer have any anorexic behaviors. I consider myself fully recovered. My life is completely back to normal. I love my body, it's been through so much, it kept fighting for me no matter what I put it through.

I have been in regular therapy for 6 years now. I started it because of anorexia but later on I got diagnosed with anxiety, depression and a few other things. The fight wasn't easy. Just in January this year I was feeling tired because I was still so depressed after years of hard work. But I still kept on going. And for about 5 months now I have been feeling better than ever. I am happy in a way I didn't know one could be. If you told me 6 years ago that I would be leading a happy life today I wouldn't believe you.

I finished high school, I am a student and I have a job. I have a loving family. I am finally freely expressing myself no matter what people around me say. Those are all the things I thought I would never accomplish.

I wish I could hug 15 year old me. She tried so hard to fit in, to be loved and accepted. But that wasn't even me. I was not living as me but rather a version of me I taught people would accept and love. I was unhappy.I no longer pretend. My life is mine and mine to enjoy. I don't want to spend it pretending, I don't want to look back at it when I am old and gray wishing I did the things I actually wanted to do. Someone once told me that you need to love yourself first before anyone else can truly love you. I believe that's true. I wish younger me could know that all she had to do to be loved was to just be herself.

This whole ed thing started because I felt like I was loosing control of my life. Control over that perfect image I was so desperately trying to maintain.

This time of year is always bittersweet. It was a very hard time in my life but it was also the start of when my life started getting better.

I originally didn't intend on writing this post but when I logged into this account I saw a notification from about a month ago on a recovery post I made years ago. So I decided to write this in case someone who is struggling happens to find it. If this post helps one person it was worth writing.

With all that being said, happy (what I like to call) 6th anti-anaversary to me. May there be many more in the future.

[exposinganorexia]

Therapy App ➤ Stay Motivated ➤ Visit: PsychologyDaily.com

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I'm an open book for those who are interested enough to read me

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At least I am stronger.

[exposinganorexia]

Daily Reminder

You have every right to eat!

You are worthy of food!

Your body is beautiful and you don't need to change it!

Don't be afraid to ask for help!

Getting therapy doesn't make you week!!

Treat yourself to something you like to eat every once in while, you deserve it!!!

[exposinganorexia]

You are more than a number on the scale.

[exposinganorexia]

Dear Ana,

You are a bitch. You started your bulshit when I was only 13. I am 16 now and I am still recovering. You took away my teen years, I barely stepped into high school. I remember chest pains, fainting, feeling pain over my whole body, freezing. I remember how you made me run even though I could barely feel my legs, not able to catch a breath. You didn’t leave me alone. Constantly buzzing in my head. Bullying me. You brain washed me. Loosing weight was just the start, my body slowly getting smaller. I was slowly fading away. You wanted me to fade away. You wanted me dead. The only positive thing is that you made me stronger. I am the boss of my body and I do not take orders from you. So you better shut up. I am not having any of your crap anymore. Get lost. My life is so much better without you. You suck.

Sincerely,

The girl you tried to kill.

[exposinganorexia]

Reblog if you have stretch marks because of your ed

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via weheartit

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She looks so beautiful 🥰

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• reblog if you’re pro recovery

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How I looked to my parents during refeeding

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This is so important!

[exposinganorexia]

I am so proud of myself

This month I will reach 1 year since I started my recovery. I am still not recovered but I am not giving up. I remember how long the first week in the hospital was. I couldn’t imagine 1 month like this. The month went by and I started feeling better, but I was still unsure, I didn’t know for how long I can keep up with this recovery even though I felt so much better, about 3 months I tough. 3 month’s passed, one quarter of a year, not bad I tough. I need to keep going, I said to myself, I feel better than ever, I won’t stop now. 6 month’s passed, I could only imagine making it that far only a few months ago, life was lovely, I gained weight and strength. 9 months, my mom was proud of me, I lost a few anorexic behaviors like counting others calories, I remembered how I started and gow this was impossible for me ro even think about. One year, I don’t believe it, it doesn’t feel like a year, 4 months maybe but not a year. I blew my mind. I almost relapsed a few weeks ago though. I looked at the picture of myself at my lovest weight and I was disgusted. I forgot about relapsing that second, then I started reading through my Ana journal. I could not believe that I was thinking that. I was insane. I was not going to do that again. I am not doing this and you can’t make me Ana, for the life of me, I hate you from the bottom of my soul, you are NOT in control, I AM and I am saying NO, I made it this far and you won’t ruin it now the way you ruined my life one year ago, my life is so much better without you in it. I screamed in my head, and looked in the mirror. I saw myself not someone I couldn’t recognize. I remember not recognizing myself in the mirror a year ago, not you how I looked, but who I was at the time. So her I am and I am saying it loud and proud : I MADE IT THROUGH ONE YEAR. I remember how proud of myself I was when the number on the scale dropped, but that kind of proud is nothing near the way I am proud of myself now. I feel like I defeated a villain. And I am not stopping, I will live my life to the fullest. Recovery is worth it. It’s hard at first but hard work pays off.

[exposinganorexia]

You have permission to eat. Even if you:

haven’t exercised

eaten too much yesterday

eaten too much today

don’t know the exact nutritional value of the meal

have gained weight

aren’t feeling hungry ‘enough’

feel like you don’t deserve it 

[exposinganorexia]

Life never felt better

Hi! A lot of people probably won’t see this post but for those of you who are reading this, thank you.

In November 2018., only a month before my 15th birthday, I was hospitalized for anorexia. I was severely underweight with bmi of 13/14. I was in recovery since then. I had my ups and downs. It was a forced recovery. Eventually it stopped being forced. After about a month in I started seeing the difference. Not just in how I looked (since I gained weight). I felt happier than ever before, I was full of energy, I was able to think about things other than food. I finally realized that people around cared about me. My friends and family were there for me through this tough proces, and only a month ago I thought that they hated me. I stopped feeling sick and dizzy and I also stopped having chest pains. I felt like I discovered a whole new world. I was surprised that I was missing out on so much fun because of Ana. I am still not fully recovered. I am 8 months in and when I first started my recovery I never thought that I would make it this far. I am so proud of myself. I remember being proud about loosing weight and how it made me happy, but that doesn’t even come close to how proud I am of my recovery. I won’t give up and you shouldn’t too. I am at the minimal healthy weight now. I am enjoying my life. I still have some anorexic behaviors (like body checking, counting others calories, thinking about how fat or skinny strangers on the streets are and comparing myself to others...) but I am working on in. I still hear Anas voice in my head. Just like my voice was still there before my recovery, it wasn’t loud enough. Ana used to be louder than me but now we switched. I still hear her but I chose not to listen to the insane things she is saying. I know it isn’t right and I know how miserable I used to be and I am not going back now that I am finally happy.

I hope that anyone reading this decides to try to recover. You will hate it at first and probably regret trying to recover, but don’t give up. Your hard work will pay off. You can do this. You are so much more than your mental illness.