exvangelical

[exvangelical]

realizing the reason dating freaks me out so much is bc i was raised both in purity culture and in a church environment where EVERYTHING you did was put under a microscope and judged for being “godly enough” and. we can see how those intersect right

[exvangelical]

christians loooooove gore and shock imagery bc if they can freak you out enough you won’t question their logic of a god allowing or even ordaining those atrocities

[exvangelical]

okay so i’m not doing particularly well right now and i need to vent

so i have spent the past month or so just constantly on edge because i’ve been trying to date and i fucking haaaaate it. i’ve got a second date lined up with a dude who’s pretty cute and nice but i’m dreading it bc if it goes well it will eventually get to the point where he wants to commit and that’s fucking TERRIFYING

idk if it’s the “date to marry” evangelical mentality i was raised with, or just a fear of commitment in general (it’s why i don’t have tattoos despite wanting them, or why i had mental breakdowns over choosing a college), but the idea that i might end up marrying this man makes me want to VOMIT. like i barely know him, i don’t want to have sex with him or marry him or even commit to him being my boyfriend.

i’m also terrified i may be aspec and that’s a nightmare in it’s own right because (if terrified reddit searches are to be believed) men won’t put up with a woman who’s not interested in penetrative sex or not super into being intimate. like i don’t want your gross weird penis in me, i can’t even use tampons i have such severe vaginismus

i’d love to date women but god cursed me with a homophobic family so ofc i have to date men. and i know i don’t “have” to date at all but all my friends are in ltrs and if i don’t shackle myself to somebody i’m gonna be fucking homeless by 30 (i refuse to move back to my hometown or back in with my parents.)

basically i’m anxious 24/7 now because i don’t want to date but i’m having to do the bridgerton ass rigamarole of finding someone for cost of living reasons. also according to reddit (again) i’m a horrible person for having an avoidant attachment style and should lock myself in a room and never form relationships ever again for the benefit of society so that also makes me feel sooooo good about myself

[exvangelical]

idk man i don’t think not wanting to worship a god who allows and even ORDAINS genocide or demands blood sacrifice as atonement for sins when he could do literally ANYTHING ELSE is pitching a tantrum because “daddy god didnt buy you a pony.” also i had my first real faith crisis at 13 bc i was actively suicidal and my christian family just blamed it on me not loving jesus enough so where does that fall on the real theologian to spoiled brat scale. not that it matters bc u sound like a real fucking asshole but

[exvangelical]

trying to work up the courage to tell my mother "your god is a tyrant who demands worship and obedience despite constantly putting us through the ringer with no explanation" but also she still pays for my insurance so. cant do that

[exvangelical]

i cannot find an uberspecific reddit thread about what im dealing with so uh hi im nearing my mid-20s and don't want to date but also am very aware i will probably need to find somebody within the next couple years or otherwise i will lose my entire support system (and not be able to afford to live indoors) bc all my friends are in long-term, committed relationships (one of them is getting married later this year) and they have proven time and time again they'll prioritize OTHER FRIENDS over me, much less their significant others.

i would just try and find friends who are also perpetually single, but lbr, society hates single people (especially single women) and the social benefits just aren't there for the platonic friend group who want to buy a house together and basically form a commune. plus, again, i'm nobody's favorite person, so i don't even think i could form that kind of friend group.

on top of that, like i said, i don't really want to date to begin with? most men who like me back i feel next to no attraction to, and i'm so introverted that i'm really not interested in trying to force myself to like someone just so i don't wind up homeless when my roommates inevitably move on and build lives with their partners.

also, in my experience. men (bc my parents are raging homophobes and i dont feel like dealing with it) are so fucking clingy. leave me ALONE i dont want to text you or call you every fucking waking hour of the day. i need at least 3 business days to disappear before you get concerned. (if i did miraculously find somebody, we would definitely be a "separate bedrooms" couple, or at least i would have my own space where he's not allowed to enter without explicit permission.)

tldr i dont want to date but im basically fucked within the next 5 or so years otherwise, and i don't think i can build this idyllic, elusive "community" that everybody seems to prattle on about like "oh but platonic relationships are just as important!!!" which is NOT FUCKING REALITY FOR THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE. "build your community, find your community" I TRIED. THEY ALL GOT BOYFRIENDS AND LEFT ME BEHIND.

[exvangelical]

“biblically christian” aka homophobic transphobic conservative christian even though the only qualifier for christian to believe jesus is god’s son who died for your sins. like thats the only qualification in the bible.

[exvangelical]

talking to your own mother shouldn’t make you pins and needles anxious

[exvangelical]

also just some housekeeping i hate transphobes either stop being transphobic or die in a fire. thanks, mgmt

[exvangelical]

i miss the mcr blog that was just mcrredacted but sfw how else am i supposed to explain that every time i have a religious trauma fit i have to imagine gerard talking me down from it

[exvangelical]

watching online church services to appease my mom and holy shit the methodists are so much more normal than baptists

[exvangelical]

conservative christians are like "THE ANTICHRIST WILL DESTROY ANYTHING THAT DOESNT ALIGN WITH HIS TEACHINGS" then do everything in their power to destroy anything that doesnt align with their teachings

[exvangelical]

i love it when i text my mom i never know if its going to be a pleasant convo or if im going to have my religious trauma triggered so badly that im 13 years old dealing with severe depression for the first time and my mom is asking if i “still believe on jesus” again

[exvangelical]

rb this and tell me why tumblr would deem you bad lgbt rep

[exvangelical]

never got the whole "christ who strengthens me" thing. god mostly seems to send bullshit your way because he's a petty bitch who demands worship when he does fuckall to even prove he exists, much less help anybody out. in fact most conversation about him, both in church and out of church, was always about him trying and testing everyone in my life's faith. seems like a needy weirdo who sabotages the people he claims to love just to feel powerful and to put them in a bad place so they'll lean on him. even though he's causing the problem in the first place.

[exvangelical]

i’ll be totally honest, sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me and i’ll think about reconverting just for fire insurance, even though i think the xtian god is a tyrant. then i remember that even THAT conversion would be false to the average xtian and how evil the whole concept of an alleged “all loving” god that allows a hell to exist and be “chosen” (it’s not a choice; it’s extortion bc the only way out is to beg for safety from the deity that allows the punishment to exist in the first place) is in the first place.

[exvangelical]

so i do online tutoring for some extra income and occasionally i'll get personal essays or papers from devout christians and sometimes they're infuriating (like the lady who sent in a paper just asserting women can't be leaders because "god said so." in the most professional way possible i said that was not an argument and she needed to cite more than personal experience and personal beliefs for an essay) but the one i just read from this poor 17 year old who thought she was evil and sinful for struggling with an eating disorder at 13.... heartbreaking. the concept of sin being normal human struggles kills me and it's awful that she felt that way.