facialfros-blog

[facialfros-blog]

“Trailer Park Boy”

Not everyone is cut out to become a Netflix celebrity by filming themselves living in a Trailer Park. It takes someone with large cojones, well-shaped triangular sideburns and an indestructible liver. The man seen in this picture has two of those things- can you guess which two?

PC: John Rohde // IG: @rohn_johde_jr

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“Dread Lock”

Coming to you live from Nappyville, WI. This twisted feline is ideal when you’re ready to chop it all off and save it as a souvenir to remind you to never do it again. Ladies hate it. Guys pretend to respect it. And your grandma tries to pull it off every time she sees you. If you’re able to do it, do it. But I don’t recommend going out in public. Grow it. Twist it. Snap it. Cut it. Bop it. 

PC: Zachary Koch  //  IG: @kochiez

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“Scandin Slammer Stache ”

The only Stache that comes with a custom glass to match. Originally credited by an old wise Minocqua Man, Grandpa Scandin (as seen here). Not only does he grow a strong stache, but he makes a stiff drink. Mixing a little Sweet Vermouth with a Brandy Old Fashion, you have yourself a “Scandin Slammer”. A great tasting drink, but still gets you slammed. Legend has it; if you drink enough of them, you’ll wake up the next morning with a sexy stache like this at any age.

PC: Franklin Scandin  //  IG: Grandfather of @fraaankerrip 

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“Quacker”

Most durable beard out there when you’re crawlin’ through the swamp or sittin’ in the Bay waiting for waterfowl to fly overhead. It gives ducks a safe and welcoming feeling when they see this nest-looking bush from above. They flock on down and cuddle in or sometimes just like to drop a dookie to mark their territory for later. Both are excellent ways to wake up from the occasional siesta in the blind. 

PC: Zachary Koch  //  IG: @kochiez

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“Australian Afro”

Some Afros live down-unda. They tend to do things ass backwards down there, like balding from the chin before the scalp. Nothing a little Rogaine couldn’t fix, but why do that when dad bods are in. Go wife yourself up a man with a dad chin, they’re known to support a family and pay taxes. Limited supply left.

PC: Greg Pippett  //  IG: @geepippett

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“Coach Daffy”

Even college professors wanna go to Disneyland. If you’re the type of professor who idolizes Daffy Duck, then why the hell not. Although, don’t go too crazy with the hair dye. Unless you just spent all of your money on this super cool hat and an all-day pass for the carousel ride, then dye that beard with how many patches your Pixar-loving self desires! 

PC: Mark Glantz  //  IG: @fashioncoyote

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“Fresh Gerber”

With all due respect, some people out there simply can’t grow facial hair. Take that baby-faced jaw and embrace it. You’ll look 20 when you’re 40 and you’ll never get food stuck on your face unnoticed for 3 days. 

PC: Zachary Kotlarek  //  IG: @probablyatrout

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“Greek Freak”

May not be shooting 3s or dunking from the free throw line, but this Greek Freak knows how to keep a crispy fader. If you can grow a beard this thick, I strongly recommend going down to a local barber in Chicago and have him fade your Fro up this nice. A dominant, professional alpha-male are the only individuals who can grow this piece of art. Respect to the Freaks.

PC: Charlie Koclanes  //  IG: @kokes52

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“Creepy Carnie”

A Carnival worker favorite. Take a little off the top, off the bottom, off the middle, but please leave the rest. You’re left with a couple of sharp arrowhead hooks on the upper lip. As far as the lower lip goes, make sure you keep the tickler there for the ladies😉 Great way to show you’re Anti-Hitler, hate kids, and sick of getting dunked in the dunk tank by 40-year-old men wearing wife beaters. 

PC: Zachary Koch  //  IG: @kochiez

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“Playboy Poker Face”

No need for any further explanation on this one. 

PC: Dan Bilzerian  //  IG: @danbilzerian

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“Baba Lou”

Never show your fake ID to a man with this kind of beard. Especially the FIBs, it’s going to be confiscated and tucked into the abyss of this straggly, thick mammoth-coated scruff. The tightly groomed mustache curls are the cherry toppings to this hair pie. Making the first impression comfortable, but the following occurrences very awkward and low key. 

PC: Dennis Wilkowski  //  IG: @denniswilko

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“Puberty Patch” 

When the Beard Enhancing Oil, Almond Milk Rub, Miracle Grow Fertilizer, Chia Pet Seeds and any other superstitious myth fails to thicken your Fro and you’re too discouraged to shave, but you refuse to let anyone know you’re depressed- Put a big grin on your face and hold back the tears while you wear your Puberty Patch with an artificial abundance of pride. This lightly fluffed area tends to be a hot nibbler for kittens and other small jungle cats. 

PC: Solomon Brown  //  IG: @solomon_brown

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“Gandalf Malone”

You have to be one hell of a Wizard with way too much sauce to be able to pull this look off. This man does it perfectly. The thick sideburn strapped neckbeard with the nappy cheeks that don’t quite connect to the goatee is a clear indicator that you started ballin’ when you were young and need that money like the (Fellowship of the) ring you never won. If you ever see this Fro in public, make sure you say congratulations. 

PC: Keith Andereck  //  IG: @keithager

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“VERSACE VEEZ”

When you’re a hardcore hustler coming up in the rap game, living in Texas with a name like “Horst”, you’re bound get the craziest, most Versace-fresh lineup you can possibly get. Some nice clean Vs on the side of your face will keep the haters hating and your swag elevating. (WARNING: NOT INTENDED FOR COUNTRY ARTISTS)

PC: Horst Simco  AKA  RiFF RAFF  //  IG: @jodyhighroller

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“Chop Duster”

This is a big shout out to all my Southern n Northern Dakotan Farmers out there, truckin’ away on their John Deeres and watching thousands of miles of land sprout by the wheat grain. Keep them tractors-a-pullin’ and them chops-a-growin’. 

PC: Evan Mass  //  IG: @timeforweezers

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“Big Dipper”

Nothin’ better than separating the stache from the chin hair, sittin’ on a 5 gallon pale/shitter in the middle of the lake, sippin’ brews, catchin’ pikes and spittin’ fat dips. If you enjoy all of the above- then you are probably already equipped with the Big Dipper on your face. 

PC: Franklin Scandin  //  IG: @fraaankerrip

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“Gringo Hogan”

With a mix of the WWE superstar, Hulk Hogan, and an inebriated college student down on South Padre Island for a week attempting to sneak across the Mexican border- you get the Gringo Hogan. Brings out the Badass Patriotic Biker in anyone who rocks this ‘do.

PC: John Rohde // IG: @rohn_johde_jr