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[fading-peony]

It's sad when I literally can't trust myself to safeword out of a scene because of my mental health.

Now it just means that the avenue of release through controlled pain is closed until I don't feel like I'll use it to hurt myself.

I haven't been able to scene for a while and it makes me die a little inside when I remember why.

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[fading-peony]

i need something beautiful and romantic to happen to me NOW

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How do you process grief?

by running from it until it finds me in the middle of a sunny street on a beautiful day

[fading-peony]

My entire type of person, both in real life and fiction, is just someone who is a feral, unhinged, but competent, goblin of a person and I don't know what that says about me.

Bonus points if they can make me feel like cherished and like prey within 5 seconds of each other. Regardless of gender, that shit makes me swoon every time.

Being horny over fictional and non attainable people is a wild experience.

[fading-peony]

emotionally retreating from everyone to focus on getting worse

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peonies

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yeah yeah we’ve all destroyed and betrayed ourselves for nothing around here you’re not special

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Hard to get out of bed sometimes

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would you still like me even if i experienced emotions

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fuuuuck i just realized that the future idealized version of myself cant exist without current me being the catalyst for change and doing hard things. has anybody heard about this

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my dream garden <3

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[fading-peony]

I'm going to a BDSM play event with my partners tonight, who I haven't had energy for in over two weeks. I feel like shit, a bad partner, a bad person, and I should just be alone to not inflict myself on other people.

I'm hoping that this event will give me enough release that I let go of some of the self hatred, since my meds don't seem to be working all that well. I miss the amount of release I used to get from scenes, but that was far before I knew how to interact with the BDSM community safely. Play dangerously, and you could either reap greater rewards or more trauma.

Usually it ended up being more trauma, but the moments where it wasn't were glorious. I miss being a high protocol submissive where I didn't have to think, just listen and follow. The ability to turn my brain off was, and still is, precious to me. But now, with a decade of experience in the lifestyle and half of it being unhealthy, the ability to trust anyone to provide that to me is almost impossible.

I want to kneel for someone who can take care of me and provide the escape that I need without feeling like I need to manage the relationship. I want to have those expectations of being better, for myself and for my Dom. At this point tho, I can't use my preferred D/s titles because of the traumatic associations behind it. Yet another roadblock.

Regardless, I'm going to go attend the event tonight and make myself participate. Probably not impact, because I don't think I have the mental fortitude to handle that. The person who I usually go to for impact scenes has a thing about making it an experience where if you break, you have to verbally recognize that you're a strong and beautiful person. That you're coming to him for release and you're worth the time and effort to let those negative burdens go. I don't think I could recognize that tonight without having an anxiety attack.

I'll probably end up going with rope because I need that comfort of something pressing from all sides and proverbially holding me down. That I can handle, and lightly float so I don't feel so heavy mentally. I'd like to be on my knees at some point and be under someone's control, but that's very unlikely.

I really fucking hate that I don't have a Dom that I can trust.

[fading-peony]

you can go back to the past but nobody’s there