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Altered States | Ken Russell | 1980

Blair Brown, William Hurt

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I was plagued by a vision

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Ralph Fiennes Red Dragon

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excerpts from the “saw v” feature in fangoria magazine issue #277 (oct 2008)

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18,348 stitches later...game over!

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Guys I just remembered the gayest damn thing

Listen to your supposed love interest? Why do that when you can intently daydream about Slade instead.

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that one guy who collects,,or something? not sure!

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Red Dragon (2002)

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Ralph Fiennes The Cormorant

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When there’s trouble, you know who to call  From their tower, they can see it all

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found this old saw lineart decided to color. early morning supply run!

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Of all the men to cheat, you picked John Kramer?

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Cycles of Inaction & Avoidance (Brainrot)

After an exhausting and disorienting week, after a series of months and years spent mainly is disassociation, I woke up today feeling a little more clear-headed.

I fell asleep last night without washing my face or brushing my teeth after a really abysmal run of Demon's Souls- which felt nice, since at this point playing a videogame seems like a greater act of "self-care" than scrolling or watching videos. I had overeaten all week out of stress and boredom, exercising felt more like a chore and unnatural, I felt drained and like I was in a fog after being more social and scheduled than I've ever been in my life. Yeah, of course I know behavior doesn't exist in a vacuum, there are underlying reasons for how we try to soothe ourselves, and frankly it may be because usually I hate my life. Even if I don't typically use those words. Even as I recognize that there's a great deal that I'm thankful for: having consistent friends, having a nice home, regular hobbies/activities (that even though I like, don't make me feel particularly alive), living in a nice neighborhood, etc. Sometimes the list just doesn't sink in. There are the things that you know you're avoiding and try not to think about, because you don't have the energy to deal with them, so it's just "useless" pain on top of the already existent heap.

So, when I woke up today so early, after disappointing myself by "failing" to practice any agency this week, it felt nice to restart again. To go on my balcony and type my morning pages while it was still cool and quiet and drink my coffee.

I kept writing about how I want to spend more time in silence, to think about things that interest me, about the now and the future (not dwelling on or picking apart the past). Things I've wanted to do, that I was always intimidated by or afraid to- like posting online. Something so small. That I usually negate because I can't see the through-line of how these small things will completely change my life, make me immediately ecstatically happy, or free me from my stable and stressful day job.

All I can think to do is think less, be bored more, and keep writing.