fai-of-the-wind-blog

[fai-of-the-wind-blog]

Do you ever have that one person you wish either would have stuck around or that the friendship just didn’t die? You wish that they were still in your life? More and more I find myself wishing that Adam Taylor was still a part of my life. 

    I don’t know why he chose to walk out of my life, when he had been such a big part of it for so many years. So many memories come flooding back when I think of him. I’m torn between having someone to talk to who got me and gave me different perspectives how I viewed things, and the other thing you ask? His hugs. They were a huge part of our friendship, they were never awkward even if we hugged for more than a minute. I thought I had found a kindred spirit in him.

[fai-of-the-wind-blog]

here we are

It’s been a really long time since I’ve posted anything. I just have wanted to keep my head up and not really think about how much I miss Nick, or how badly it sucks not having him home. For so many reasons. For one he makes me a hell of a lot better person, he calms me down makes my anger dissipate which is a lot because my temper lately has been so bad. I just want to love on him and kiss him, I want to snuggle in bed with my man, I want to be able to wake up to morning kisses and it be a real tangible kiss, not something we do over wowapp cause it’s the closest thing we have. I’ve been trying to think about it like my reward for him going to Korea is getting married 12/08/2017, that’s a fantastic reward. I love him so much, and miss him so much. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him.    The other night I had a really bad dream, like it sounds great at first, but it’s really not.  It’s long.   I was at a mall talking to this blonde, blue eyes, lean, 34C breasts (looked that way anyway) she was funny. The mall was on lock down and we were sitting there talking about life. “So are you single?” I asked looking at her pink lips. Thinking god it’s been awhile since I’ve done anything..just to taste her.    “Sort of, it’s a little complicated” She looked down at her hand then back up at me. “What about you?”   “My heart is taken, but I am single.” I said leaning in a little bit closer to her.  She sighed then “Men make everything so complicated, they should be more like women just straight forward.” She said looking down at her hand again to what I could tell was nothing, then looked over at my hand which the only thing I had on was my wedding ring. Before she could say anything else I leaned in and kissed her. We sat there as the world around us went on, we sat there kissing each other, her hand resting on my thigh, my hand caressing her face as we kissed. Pulling away we just looked into each others eyes, as we sat there it had been announced the lock down was being lifted.  If only there had been more time, I might have convinced her to go home with me. Instead we got up from our little corner, and I walked to her to her car, it was raining outside.    “This is me.” She said as unlocked her car, pushing her up against the car I kissed her again, not caring who saw me. At first she tried to push me away, but as my tongue slid into her mouth she became more relaxed against me. When I was beginning to think I might have a chance, she pushed me away and said she had to go. I watched as she got into her car and left.  ———————————————————————————————————    I get a call from Eric telling him to meet me at some lake house dressed nice, when I get there I spot him and wave him over .   “Hey” He said hugging me.  “Hey” I said a little more than tired, it had been a long drive back to my place last night, my bed cold, the house empty.    “So I wondering if you wanted to go to a wedding with me today? It will be tons of fun! I promise.” He looked at me almost pleadingly.    “Today? Seriously, toooday?” I asked looking at him, as he tried to sucker me into this.   “I’m sure you need something fun, beside I’m here only good things can happen.” He smiled as I reluctantly agreed.  We walked right into the house, and saw a group of people. Immediately taking me over they began to introduce themselves.  “Im Karen.” A woman in red said.  “I’m Josh.” The older man next to her said “I’m Raven” a middle eastern woman said, her long dark hair flowing.     “Nice to meet you, I’m” was all I managed to say “This is Carolyn, my girlfriend.” Eric said looking at me.     I was so livid I wanted to punch him right then and there, for the sake of not murdering him “It’s nice to meet you…will you excuse us?” I said practically ripping his arm off.  When we were out of listening distance “WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!” I said beginning to punch him.     “It just..it just slipped out, oh come on just play along with it. “ He said.     “No, this is going to end badly” I said.      “You can’t just not now, I’m sure everyone knows by now. “ he said.   I just glared at him and walked away finding myself next to a group of guys drinking beers. Taking a drink off of the bar I just stood there chugging it, not even caring who’s or what the fuck it was.    “Woah there tiger. Look at her go!” A younger guy hooted out. Slamming the bottle back down, I looked at the group around me.    Smiling and wiping my face I say “I’m Carolyn, and I need another fucking drink.” One of the guys handed me a hard cider, and a screwdriver. I took both, downing the screwdriver.  “Jesus woman.” An older man said. “I like your style.” To which he downed his beer, and got another.    I stood around talking with them for about half an hour, before I started getting the dirty looks from the women. I mean I know I wasn’t acting classy, but the looks I were getting were down right hostile.  “Will you excuse me?” I said taking my drink with me. Only feeling a little buzzed at that point.  Then I saw her, the girl from yesterday. “Oh my god.” I said to myself. She’s the fucking bride! No wonder she kept looking at her finger, it was missing her engagement ring! Shit, shit shit. Nope, not a big deal. Don’t look at her, don’t do it. I told myself. Then she saw me, she visibly blushed, looking like she was about to walk over, and then some short girl wearing a silver dress got to me first.     “You  have got so much fucking nerve saying you’re dating my cousin when you’re fucking married. You’re such a whore.” She said shoving my facebook profile in my face. My profile picture was of Nick and I on our wedding day kissing, my cover photo was of him holding our beautiful newborn baby, me looking at him holding her.    “What?” is what I managed to say.     “Are you stupid too?” She asked. Instead of answering I set down my drink and walked up to the back porch where there was a mic.    “Well, I just would like to say a couple of things.” I saw Eric in the crowd coming up to the stage, and shook my head. “First off I want to say thank you for allowing me to be a part of this special moment, and for all the men who have been treating me nicely and talking to me. For the women in the family you’re a bunch of judgmental bitches. You don’t know me and instead of coming to talk to me like an adult to see what’s going on you fucking glared at me and accused me of things w/o really giving me time to explain myself. So here it is. Yes, that IS my husband in my picture, however that is MY DEAD husband, and that beautiful baby girl, that’s my dead child. Eric has known me for about three years, Nick and my child died about two years prior to that. I will always be married to my husband, I will never stop loving him, and I will never love another soul in my whole fucking life. I only said I’d come to this so Eric wouldn’t pester me about it, for fucks sake I didn’t know he’d call me his girlfriend..you can better fucking believe we aren’t friends anymore. You know what today is? Today is the anniversary of their deaths..so thank you for trying so hard to make it the most horrible day possible. Oh, and best fucking wishes to the newly weds. Enjoy the family Amanda.” With that I put the mic back in it’s place and pushed by the people who were trying to talk to me. Eric tried to stop me from walking out and for that he got slapped.  At this point I walked to the beach and sat down drink in my hand.  —————————————————————————————————     My phone started to ring, I look over and it’s about 3am.    “Erng..hello?” I answered bleary eyed.     “Hello this is Macy at Banner Del Webb is this Mrs. Aberts?” She asked.    “Yes, what’s going on, why are you calling me?” I asked instantly getting out of bed realizing Nick hasn’t come back to bed yet. The last thing he did was take little Adeline out for a drive to get her to quiet down.      “Your husband was involved in an accident and we need you to get to the hospital right away.” I didn’t even hear the rest as I dropped the phone and went into omg mode. I started crying, getting dressed, grabbed the phone which the line was now dead and drove to the hospital. I arrived at the desk. “I need to see my husband, and my daughter Adeline. I need to know what’s going on.” I almost screeched.     “Ma’am you need to calm down. Your husband was struck by a semi truck-the driver had fallen asleep. He’s in ICU, he’s conscious, but the doctors don’t think he will make it. “ She said looking at me as she walked me to his room. Seeing him there in his bed, I started to cry, reaching out to grab his hand. I looked at her then.    “What about Adeline..what about our baby?” I asked looking at Nick, who then began to cry. “No” I sobbed tears running down my cheeks.     “I’m so sorry baby. I’m so sorry.” He wiped away a tear that had rolled down my face.     “It’s not your fault, you’re going to be ok. I have you, it will be ok.” He smiled at me then, and then just like that he was gone.  I sat there crying into him, “I promise, I promise I’ll never love anyone else, and I swear that I will get justice for tearing my family apart.” I laid against him crying until they told me I had to leave. The next few weeks were a blur, as we had the funeral for them both. I cried and got angry often, my family not really knowing how to help, just letting it happen.  The man who fell asleep was charged with vehicular manslaughter, his boss, and two other people had charges against them and were found guilty. The man who had fallen asleep had taken on extra runs and it was ok’d by those other three people when it shouldn’t have. I filed a lawsuit against the company and won millions. However, for a long time my life was empty, I would go visit my family in Ohio (his parents), and see my step kids, go visit Nick at least once every other month.  ——————————————————————————————————– I woke up remembering something that never happened and yet it felt so real. Like that Nick and I had gotten married had this beautiful baby girl, light brown hair green big eyes. It feels like a real loss, it’s even been a couple of days and I just writing this out makes me sad and start to cry. Even though I know it wasn’t real. I told Nick this and he sent me kissy faces telling me he wishes he could be here to snuggle and hug me, to reassure me that he’s fine and that didn’t happen. Made me feel a lot better, he could cheer me up from 3000+ miles away. I love him so much. I really can’t wait to be Mrs.Nick Aberts.          Speaking of which wedding planning is difficult since we don’t really know for sure when he will be home.  He’s supposed to be back in November, since it’s a year long, however it’s the military so that doesn’t always mean it’s a year tour. I’ve been looking at venues by myself, getting his opinions here and there, photography, food, music all by myself. I am trying not to get stressed out. Every little girl has her dream wedding for me, I always wanted to get married in a forest, moss growing on trees, a little bit of fog going on, barefoot. I know, crazy. So I’ll settle for a outside wedding around trees and nature, I love trees. If I could have useless magical power it would be to get trees to grow from nothing. *sighs* that would be SO cool.  It’s funny cause Nick has always wanted an outside wedding as well, it’s like we really are the same person, just a male version and a female version. It feels like I’ve known him all of my life, and yet there is still so much more to learn and I yearn to learn everything about him. I can express how truly grateful and blessed that I am to have him in my life. I have no idea where I would be without him, probably miserable, lonely, and possibly a whore.  I wouldn’t have a matching cow tattoo (which makes me sad cause it cheers me up when I see it), I wouldn’t have plans to get a cherry blossom tree tattooed across my right side up my shoulder and act as he is a branch into his shoulder and arm. That’s how in love we are with each other. I can’t wait till we have our first child together, I’m hoping for a girl. Evelyn Grace Aberts…will be so beautiful, and I would be so thankful to have her. I want to have that special bond with Nick that parents get. I want to know the joys of motherhood, and see the man I love and my husband be a dad to our child. I want that. Sometime’s Nick makes me feel like a little high school girl, we are that obnoxiously sweet couple. We moo at each other, we tell each other we love you mega moo bunches, we make my parents want to vomit. It’s great. Especially that last part.    I  miss him, I try to think of it as a vacation I’m not allowed to go on, that it wasn’t a goodbye at the airport in Seattle that it was a see you later. However, that was so embarrassing. I sat there most of the night crying here and there even though he was there RIGHT there with me. I knew I wouldn’t see him and I’d try not cry as I held him close to me. I could feel people watching me as I sobbed in public as they called my boarding, I remember wanting to hug him so tightly that I couldn’t breathe, yet I still found enough air to cry uncontrollably as I walked alone to my plane. I don’t ever want to do that again. It was like waiting for duct tape to be torn off, but instead of pulling it off fast, they were tugging on it slowly. Ever so slowly. It was heart breaking. He will never leave me behind again after this tour. I don’t care if I have to pay out of pocket to fly wherever he does. It will not happen again.        I started a new job, I now work at Fry’s as a Starbucks barista, I have training this week after arrowhead, and then next week 8a-4p if Michael gives it to me off. We shall see cause I asked for it off kind of last minute, so I have no idea if I will actually be allowed to have the time off. I’m excited because hellooo I get to learn the menu and maybe the secret menu?! And it means more money for wedding/bills. So exciting, though I have to get used to working more than 24 hours a week again. Last week was brutal, Thursday and Friday I worked 11 hours and was totally wiped out. Done. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. So that will be kind of fun.   I’m all talked out for now. 01/02/2017

[fai-of-the-wind-blog]

what roads to take next?

In about a year, I will have a chance to go back to school, however I’m not really sure what it would be for. I’ve always had an interest in guns, so I was thinking maybe getting something in business or gun smithing, or  I have thought about going for an MLT, buut that’s a LOT of hard work. I also, briefly thought about becoming a doctor and immediately shuddered, so that’s out.  I know if I don’t love the subject or am not interested I will have a horrible time going to classes or doing the home work. Eesh.  I have always loved writing, but you can’t really make a living out of that. Plus, I seem to get really distracted lately, a lot. I end up not wanting to write, the best places to write or places that have no distractions, no internet, no tv, no nothing. So parks, or coffee shops, but then I have to write it in a notebook since I don’t have a laptop which would be so much easier that way I am not writing it twice and over analyzing things. There are SO many ideas in this head of mine, and it’s confusing or trying to figure out what to try and really focus and write down. I was writing this one story, but someone told me it sounded like this movie…and that pretty much killed it for me. No one wants to be told they sound unoriginal ya know? What a dream killer. I thought it was going to be a great miniseries. Plots, scenes already planned out in my head.  I only have a year to figure out what I want to do, that may seem like a long time, but it’s really not. I thought March-November would be a long time, eight months. It’s almost here. In fact one week left of September, four in October and it’s November. Nick is going to Ohio for a week in October, so that means I have only four weeks to spend time with him before he leaves. Granted I am taking off two weeks, the 27th of October through the 7th of November.  So time will feel like it’s ebbing miserably by, and yet time will fly by in the blink of an eye. I am going to miss him so much. I already anticipate myself crying a lot and being all mopey. He bought the tickets last night for our flight to Seattle November 4th, spending the weekend together then both of us flying out the 6th. However, I will be flying back to Phoenix, and he will be heading to Korea. Sitting here, it makes me terribly sad. It’s getting closer and closer and I’m not sure I am entirely coping well. Or I might just be crying a lot because I am older and now these things have more effects on me then they used to. Anyway, I have derailed from my original post, as things go. :)  I’ve been thinking about applying to a whole bunch of different types of jobs, like a bakery, a gun store, maybe ask if I could watch what a medical coder does at work? Or see if I could shadow someone in the photography world? Or  I could make a shop on etsy and if I really enjoy making bath bombs I could sell those, and maybe branch out into soaps and that kind of thing. Natural products that are good for the hair and skin. I’ve become really interested in that sort of thing, I just know there is nothing that teaches that sort of thing. Homeopathic or something like that?  09/23/16

[fai-of-the-wind-blog]

This will be messy

Been kind of absent lately...such is the nature of the beast I suppose. I am currently sitting on a coffee table in Nick’s living room. I guess it’s mine too. It’s not all black and white I suppose, things are sometimes blurry.    My emotions are a crazy raging fire right now, they are chaotic, simple, and complex all at the same time. Damn hormones and stress. I wish I could see myself how others see me, at least it would help to sort some feelings or thoughts out.  I am the happiest I have ever been in my love life, which normally over fills into all areas of my life, but sometimes…sometimes you just need to vent because love can’t cover it all. I never really thought it would, at least not love between two people. Love and a relationship between God and child, yes, but I’m talking about Nick right now. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love him, and that will never change. He makes me so unbelievably happy, I’m not really sure what I have done to deserve or have someone like him in my life. I guess he must be a part of God’s grace to me...however, you are my parents you wouldn’t believe that at all, at least maybe not at the moment.  That’s another reason I am stressed is because I am lying to my parents, what about…it doesn’t matter and I don’t want to come clean right now…maybe not ever. Not to you, not to me...only God knows. He will be the one that judges me.       I’m getting off track again, I work a part time job and I am struggling being an adult, not that my actions are immature or childish, but I am struggling paying my own rent, food, and bills. That kind of thing strips someone of their pride, well…at least it did for me. Except I still struggle with it, humble pie tastes completely terrible and I have found even though I am in the middle of being humbled I still have pride. Pride, man ‘s biggest downfall.  Everyone is prideful in something, usually it’s good to take pride in something, but not everything. A low point for me was trying to get aid from the government, turns out I work too many hours for the state of Arizona to actually help a single woman with no kids. A whole $16 a month, which is a huge slap in the face. I work my ass off at work, also work hard at trying to get another job. It’s still not enough. I still need help from my parents, they have to pay my rent because if they wouldn’t I would have a negative income, that kind of thing just destroys a person. I can’t take my parents money forever, it hurts me to do that. To be a grown woman and to constantly need help from my parents because I just can’t, I just can’t do it by myself.    Nick helps me so much more than I could ever repay him, if anything ever happened between us...I would be forever indebted. If it weren’t for him, there would’ve been nights I would have gone hungry, days probably, and my heart, my heart would still be searching. It’s a horrible feeling right now for me to not just want to be with him, but for me to need to be with him. I can’t make it out there by myself, and he’s happy to provide for me, because well he loves me. Anyone else would question my motives, if I really love him, or if I am just using him. I, swear that I love him with all that I am, with all that I have, and all that is and will ever be. My home is where he is.  I never thought that in my life would mean actually leaving Arizona, cause it’s home…yet, home is where he is. He is my family as surely as my own blood.     Which brings to the next topic, he leaves for Korea soon, well November, which feels soon. Hell it’s three months away, he will be gone for a year. And after that he’s home for a month and then he’s gone to Japan for three years. Where do I fit in? The “plan” is to get married and we go to Japan together, but because of complications, he can’t even meet my family right now…and that hurts me...if all goes well, he can meet my parents before he leaves, when he’s home on mid tour leave, he will ask my dad permission and then get married in December 2017. Right now, my heart is heavy because I have this horrible gut feeling that I will get left behind when he goes to Japan. I don’t want to be left behind...I want to experience new things together. I want to do it as his wife. It’s eating at me, because time is growing short for all of things to be set in motion, if he doesn’t mean my parents before he leaves then maybe he will meet him on mid leave tour, and still on for December 2017..if not then I will be left behind and be alone.     My biggest fear in life is being alone, I am not intended to be alone in life, and even though I know he wants to marry me. I will feel like I was left behind I’m positive it will hurt my feelings, considering it hurts mine right now just thinking about it. My heart is exhausted in some ways, and yet it still has a long journey ahead of it.   Anyway, it’s almost 1am right now, and I have to be up at 8am, I should take a shower and go to bed.    Always, Forever & ever

08/12/16

[fai-of-the-wind-blog]

Nick

The first time I met him, it was under the pretense that I was going to fuck his roommate. His roommate’s name is Josh, who I met through tinder. I don’t always use tinder for hookups, but by this time Josh and I had been flirting with the idea of hooking up since Feb and it just never worked out till March 8th. The first time I saw him he was sitting on the couch in jeans, a t-shirt, and wearing these crazy cool socks. I stood there in the entry way and thought “Wow..he’s attractive. Must. not. look. Hmm now I really don’t want to have sex with Josh.” Because prior to that moment when I saw Josh there was no spark, no chemistry, and all I was interested in was drinking his fireball and dr. pepper.     I didn’t want to stop looking at him, light blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes somewhat obscured by dim lighting and his glasses. I had to as I followed Josh up the stairs to his room. I told him that we should go back down stairs, so we could be social and eventually come back upstairs. Also, because I wanted to watch him play video games, cause it’s actually something I enjoy..and I wanted to just be near him and talk to him. I wish I could see what he was thinking that night when he saw me.    The night progressed, mixed with my dr. pepper was about 2-4 shots of fireball per glass, I was already on my 3rd when I asked the both of them if either would mind if I changed into my shorts cause I was getting warm. Each time I had gone to fill up my drink I’d look at him as I passed and watched from the corner of my eye as I went up the stairs and that time was no different.  I changed quickly into my shorts, super happy that I had actually decided to shower and look nice before I came over. Coming downstairs I wasn’t even looking at Josh, who I was supposed to be there with, I was looking at him and trying not to look at him at the same time. I thought I felt his eyes on my every time I got up to either get more drink or go to the bathroom, but I couldn’t say for sure. Every time Josh would go upstairs I’d strike up some sort of conversation, and at one point telling him he had pretty eyes, which he said thanks..it was a little awkward and then it was over with. All the while Josh had been texting me to come upstairs, and I was snap chatting my friend Brandon telling him how hot and attractive the roommate was, since that’s what he was at the time. Brandon was asking me if I was going to go for it and if I had said anything, to which I replied I told the roommate he had pretty eyes, and was pretty proud of myself. Brandon said that wasn’t really anything since I say that to patients all the time without there being an attraction. Which is true. So I said fuck it to him, and to myself. Out loud I said “I think you’re really hot.” He said thank you, and between one breath and another I got up from the place I had been sitting on the couch walked over and kissed him. I remember pulling away not really sure what I had just done looking into his eyes for just a second more, before kissing him again.      I don’t really know how to explain it partly cause I was kind of drunk and therefore don’t remember it, and partly because it’s just one of those things you can’t explain. I heard Josh coming down the stairs, quickly pulled away and sat back on the couch. This part is a little blurry because I remember taking his phone texting myself…yeah I know kind of like in high school or something, and us talking to each other that way when Josh finally managed to come downstairs. I had never been in that situation before. Coming home with one guy, then wanting to sleep with his roommate instead and the roommate actually wanting to too. There should be a guide book somewhere for situations like that. I told him I wanted to kiss him again, and he texted me saying he could go upstairs for something and I could go up too. So he did, and I followed shortly, once up the stairs I saw him standing in his doorway. Trying to be sneaky, I, of course stepped on part of the floor that creeks when you step on it, and even before I had really finished stepping we were kissing. I pulled away in surprise because he had a tongue ring. Totally threw me off since we had discussed him being in the air force, and I know you aren’t supposed to have any piercings. He kind of laughed, he had an amazing smile. We kissed for a little bit, I told him that I needed an excuse for being up there so I went and changed my shirt, and “went to the bathroom”.     We both were sitting back downstairs, and we were just talking through text when I asked him what we should do since I had never been in that situation, apparently neither did he. I asked him to go get my bag from Josh’s room upstairs, I watched him leave and just blurted out that I wanted to sleep with his roommate. Josh took it pretty good, probably cause he was really really drunk at that point and just said ok. Then headed upstairs to his room, I then followed him to his room after making the suggestion that we go up to his bedroom to lay down and talk.   The fine details are really fuzzy, I remember that was the first time he went down on me, and oh did it feel amazing. That’s about the only thing I will say about the sex that first night. We eventually fell asleep after talking some more about silly things that I can’t even remember..could have been music, or the porn we like..I just remember it was the first time I actually slept and was able to sleep with someone the first time sleeping with them. When I woke up I just kind of watched him lay there very peacefully, eventually he woke up after his alarm went off, because even though I was drunk I managed to text my supervisor at 12 something the night before telling him I wouldn’t be in because I was going to have a MASSIVE hangover, so my work day was off the menu. He and I just laid there talking, and when it was time to go, I really didn’t want to leave, but he had to go to work, and I didn’t want it to get awkward. Like the drive of shame home. He said that’d he’d really like to see me again, or that he wanted to keep talking and I honestly just thought he was blowing smoke up my ass. Turns out he wasn’t. We officially started dating March 25th when I had the guts to just ask him, since I had been spending so much time with him anyway. Nights were spent at each other’s places, and I had canceled at least one date because I really wanted to see where it could go. I really liked him.      As crazy as it sounds, I can honestly say that now I really love him, and hand to God want to spend the rest of my life with him. 

[fai-of-the-wind-blog]

Honor health interview by phone March 9th@ 1500, in person interview March 11th at 0800. Next week I’ll be working 10 hour days except friday(cause i will have off) and Wednesday(since I will only be able to work 9 hrs). Unless I want to work for an hour friday then go to my interview. If I get the job it’s M-F 0400-0800 which means I will have to ask my current job if I can start at 0830-0900. If I take the job honorhealth has better insurance and maybe eventually I can become FT and get better hours. I don’t really want to wake up at 0300 on a permanent basis. i’ve been there done that..hated life, plus it will be with civilians not vets. So something to consider, however I can really use the extra money to pay off my debt. I wanted a part time job..so maybe this will even it out.

[fai-of-the-wind-blog]

As of now

I have to remind myself that I actually have somewhere I can go and vent. I haven’t for so long that I just keep everything in and that’s so bad for me. I know it’s bad. I can feel it in my bones..      My world is crazy right now. Emotional stress I feel like going into the corner and just crying and crying and screaming at the top of my lungs.   The thing that’s really on my mind is that for the past seven months I was actively waiting for someone. I was waiting for Matt. I told him I was, and then last August I was so fed up I told him I wasn’t going to wait for him anymore because at that point he had hurt my feelings so badly since the whole things started that it was just enough. It was the pushing over point and then when he would come we’d feel things out. He was hardly talking to me anymore, and he felt like I was trying to make him choose whether he should talk to me (someone literally thousand miles away) or the people he was living with. There has to be a balance and there wasn’t. He’d blow off our skype dates and just never tell me why and act like nothing happened, and I sat there crying in my bed one night I told him I just couldn’t do it anymore. He responded so quickly that the wound that was raw had a temporary band-aid on it, and at the time I didn’t see it that way. He apologized and we talked for two hours. It was ok again, but not technically waiting for him. Before he had gotten back to me I went and had sex, and it was amazing..I hadn’t had sex in awhile and it was great. Totally regretted it down the road.     Fast forward to now, I’ve known since  January that we would not end up dating once he got here. Too much had happened, and the hurt was too much. Regardless of all that I knew that I would be picking him up from the airport and that would be ok. That was and had been the plan always. That no matter what I’d be the one to pick him up, I’ve been playing it for months. Surprise him his favorite cookies(I’m really good at baking) balloons, a sign and he’s kind of a romantic and loves valentines day ( i don’t, but he does) so I was going to have a friend come over and light candles about ten minutes before we got to my apartment, and spent our first night together. That’s how I always imagined it, and as I realized it wouldn’t work out it would be our first and last night together. I had at least that..I texted him earlier asking him what all we had to do after I picked up from the airport and he tells me that his crew chief is picking him up.  I got so mad…tears literally running down my face in a matter of seconds. I felt like such an after thought AGAIN, when you thought you couldn’t really like a person after everything..that hurt me so much. He made it sound like he knew for weeks and was just now telling me. And I find myself sitting here crying, really crying because of that. He told me it wasn’t like that, but it’s too late the damage is already done.  He didn’t he found out Wednesday, and just made it sound that way.     All in all it makes me really realize that I might end up spending my life alone. I know I expect so much of people especially the people who say they care about me or vice versa..and it doesn’t matter that I know that information. I still stay the same.  I have rules in place, to protect myself, even in my friendships. Three strikes and I completely take that person out of my life, like I never knew them. Pictures are destroyed or deleted, numbers erased, conversations wiped clean. Gone. Completely from my life. I can name my true friends on one hand. One hand. When I go out, dancing or whatever. I go out by myself. I am so jealous and envious of people who have found their little family away from family. I had that once, and it was amazing. Now, I don’t have that. I have myself. Two friends here in Phoenix, one in Alaska that is one of the most beautiful souls I have ever known…and that’s it. Those are my true friends. I’ll probably be losing one of them since he’s getting married in April. I am so happy for him, even if I hated his future wife for a few months, taking away one of the few people who knew me..the real me, all of me. They are so great together though. 

[fai-of-the-wind-blog]

Life outside of sex

This week has not started off that great...I was almost forced to go to the hospital yesterday. Long story short, so I ran out of preworkout supplement and then got busy doing something else and forgot that I had already put scoops in…then added more. It didn’t taste any different. However within 20 minutes I started feeling all jittery, hot, and itchy…then I started feeling nauseous. I went and worked out which made me feel better at first cause, then I felt like passing out. Even seeing black spots, so I drove to the nearest fire department and no one was there so I just laid on their lawn for almost an hour. And felt fine...so I went to the grocery store and almost passed out…someone called 911. Ended up almost being forced to go to the hospital. I told them that if they called the doctor and HE said I had to go, I would go compliantly. Since my vitals were a little high, and I was very shaky( I couldn’t even make my hands be still). The doctor said it was my choice since my symptoms were in a gray area and I was coherent enough to answer their questions. So…the lead said that he would allow one of them to drive me home in my car if I promised that if after I ate and slept if i still didn’t feel good that I’d call them and let them take me to the hospital. I agreed and had a nice pleasant talk with the guy who drove me home. Once I told him I was in the medical field he started laughing and said he understood why I was being so difficult about going to the hospital.    I’m really thankful they allowed me to just go home...however I still feel like I am going to puke. My stomach is so tender right now that I’m afraid to actually eat anything.   Also, I am no on my SECOND period for this month. At first, I thought I was just spotting and thinking “oh god…now I have to tell Carter I’m pregnant” but no it’s a second period. I really hate having two periods a month...I don’t know what I hate more NO periods for several months, or two a month for a couple of months. Either way, probably means another cyst on an ovary, fun times. This week just sucks, and I wish I could have a do over. From Sunday night, till today.   Makes me wish I had someone who would come over cuddle with me and just play with my hair telling me this week would get better and life is good. However, I don’t. I wish I did, but it’s just not in my cards right now. In fact I think my deck of cards has been stacked against me...least that’s how I feel right now. 

[fai-of-the-wind-blog]

Where I can be me

  It’s so nice to be able to just talk about anything I want. I just have so much to say, and since xanga I haven’t had anywhere to say it. This will be nice, like holding my breath and finally being able to exhale after holding it for so long.