failuretouphold

[failuretouphold]

My name is Evette. I smoke a lotta ganja and probably cry more than the average person.

[failuretouphold]

Heartbreak wasn’t the day we broke up.

The day we broke up provided a release I had been looking for since the beginning.

It was a release I forgot I needed when we filled days with adventures that consisted of games with pine cones in the snow away from the world or on a drunken London adventure to see everywhere we could before I left you or in walking around NY with a robot bottle full of wine.

But most days I craved for the release from you and every day my friends begged me to get it.

Heartbreak wasn’t the day we broke up.

Heartbreak has been everyday since.

Heartbreak comes in waves of, how did we get here and if you loved me you wouldn’t have done this.

It comes in learning the definitions of domestic violence that have applied to me and I ignored and suddenly I find I am running away in hopes I’ll forget it all.

Heartbreak hits me hard on those mornings I check my phone to make sure nothing new has happened and on my walks to the mountain in the France snow where for a moment I forget about it all and think about how much you’d enjoy this scenery.

Heartbreak is every time I have to think about where my life is and how it got here and the piece you played. Heartbreak hits me hardest when I’m surrounded by people but I feel the most alone because the weight of us? That’s too much for anyone else to help hold.

Heartbreak is knowing I don’t miss you, and I haven’t missed you for a while but I am missing the moments in the snow full of laughter because everything feels so heavy right now.

I want a squish.

I want my human anxiety blanket even though I had never had anxiety until you.

I want to not hate the touch of another human.

I want to not be scared of every person who now walks into my life.

I want to believe the assault wasn’t my fault like you said.

I want to not be scared every time I go outside or have to validate every decision in my life.

I want to stop crying randomly in public and remember how to smile.

I want to have chosen the release instead of the high I felt with you because maybe I’d be a little less broken right now.

But, heartbreak is something I chose for myself every time I stayed.

I can only blame myself

[failuretouphold]

WONDERING

Do you ever sit there and wonder how many people you’ve damaged.

How many people were used, borrowed, but never returned to original state.

I wonder how many people I’ve hurt, beat up, and left.

I think about this and it’s sad because the intent was not to hurt...

And I live in a perfect world, where I am protected and I am right and everything aligns with this location, this state of being.

It aligns all for me.

I’m safe and unconditionally loved.

Do you ever wonder an alternate time?,

Or place,

Or space.

How different this so-called life would be.

And I’m hopeless, broken, and fragmented in the most beautiful of ways.

I wonder a lot about a lot... but sometimes, I catch myself wondering about you the most. I look at the stars and I hope they are aligning with your reality.