faithandsurrender

[faithandsurrender]

April 5, 2020

It’s been a while.

The world is currently experiencing a pandemic, the coronavirus, also known as COVID19.

Schools nation wide (worldwide, I’m sure) are out of session. China and Italy were hit the worst but the U.S. has surpassed the death/sickness rate of both of those countries.

I’m still working because my job is considered ‘essential,’ and I wear gloves and a mask for my protection as well as the safety of others. Mom and dad are still working too. Other than that, the world is pretty much on lockdown.

There’s a lot I can write, I just don’t have the time or the energy right now. I’m behind on my studies and assignments, and I’m currently battling an awful sinus infection with serious congestion and shortness of breath. 

I miss normalcy, but this is a ‘new normal’ for now. I miss the gym. I miss going out. I miss seeing my friends. I miss going to church.

That’s it for now. I just deleted all my social media (the plan is for a week, but a longer hiatus would be lovely and needed for my mental health).

One day at a time.

Lord, heal our earth. Please.

[faithandsurrender]

September 5, 2019

I doubt myself a lot. I’m two weeks into grad school and it’s proven to be a lot more difficult than I originally anticipated.

The enemy is telling me that I’m not smart enough. The enemy is telling me that I don’t know how to study effectively. The enemy is telling me that I won’t learn to manage my time well. The enemy is telling me that I’m far from my goal. The enemy is telling me that I’m not pursuing the right path. The enemy is telling me that I can’t do it. The enemy is telling me to quit.

But God.

I know He has planted me here. Intentionally. Purposefully. For His divine plan and perfect will to be done.

There’s nothing He will put before me that I cannot handle. If that were the case, He would not put it before me!

I want to have more faith in myself and more trust in the Lord. I want to obediently, without hesitancy, follow where He leads and know that I’m in His hands.

[faithandsurrender]

#fasseptember2019 #faithandsurrenderpicture

[faithandsurrender]

September 2, 2019

I’m sitting in a coffee shop doing homework, upset that my crush (for over a year now) has not liked my post from yesterday (on either Instagram or Facebook). 

I’ve been in this mindset that he is the perfect guy for me. A man of God, works for a ministry, loves to be in creation, doesn’t seem into himself at all, or too into social media. Also has a killer smile.

My longing for him, which I will admit, has been unhealthy for a while now, isn’t good for me. There are times where I feel like I’ve got a handle on this crush, and there are times when I feel like I just really, really, really want him. 

So I don’t ramble on forever, I’ll just get to the point. I had a thought just now, which is why I'm writing it immediately, that I actually don’t know my worth. I’m here longing for this person when they’ve hardly acknowledged me in over a year. 

The man that God created for me will not make me question. Will not make me doubt. Will not make me feel this way about myself. Will not make me anxious. Will not make me second-guess. Will not make me question my worth.

I've got to let this go. I’ve had an obsessive crush on this guy for over a year now. It started out great, he was so interested and engaging, and it suddenly stopped. The man I'm supposed to be with won’t make me question. I know this because it will be from God. I thought this was from God, that he was from God, but it seems that he is just not meant for me.

I hate that I have hope. I hate that I think maybe, just maybe, God will use this somehow. God will use this in His time. I hate that I have that thought and that hope. Maybe, I guess, it’s possible. But I want to let go of that idea and that teeny tiny possibility, because until then, I will be waiting. And constantly hyperaware of what I do and post on social media in hopes of getting a stupid little ‘Like’ from him. Gosh.

Father, help me surrender this to you. I can’t do it on my own because I want it. Help me completely surrender this.

[faithandsurrender]

August 25, 2019

I think about writing often, but I don’t for some reason.

I’ve been in a bit of an (off and on?) funk. Some days are better and some days are worse.

School is right around the corner and I’m anxious. It’s been two years since I graduated and it’s going to take some adjusting being a student again. I know this is a blessing. I know this is where God wants me. I know He does everything with purpose and intention. And I know He uses all things for my good and His glory.

I’ve just had a lot on my mind lately. The last several months have been ones of drastic change and transition. I’ve questioned a lot of things in my life including my identity, my purpose, my beauty, my worth. It’s been tough but all I can do is trust.

I’ve fallen into a few temptations and wanted to give into some others. I question the progress and strength of my faith. I just can't wait to have more stability and consistency in my life. I’m really hoping that school provides that and more for me. I haven’t been well-connected in a community for a little bit now, and in addition to that I haven’t been going to the gym/implementing self-care, so I’ve just felt depressed. Depressed. That’s a word I don’t use lightly. I know this season will pass and that all this change in my life will make me stronger. I just don’t feel strong at this particular moment in time. It’s getting better (I think) but it’s just been poopy.

The program I start this week is going to be very rigorous and intense. My initial goal was to get the Marriage and Family Therapy program done in 3 years (which is considered full-time), but before even starting I’ve come to realize that doing it in 4 years would be a wiser and healthier decision for me. The 4-year track would enable me to better instill self-care and self-love, along with maintaining a bit of a social life instead of living under a rock for the next few years. In addition to this, the program altogether will cost roughly $35k. I’ve got about $10k saved up which is a tremendous blessing, but part of me is scared because I will likely completely deplete all that I have saved. The next few years of going to school will be tight budget-wise, but I truly do feel blessed that I do have a significant amount of funds saved up. My goal is to not take out a student loan, and I think(?) this is a realistic goal. I don’t feel like many others in the program are as fortunate to have as much saved up as I do. The $35k, however, is just tuition and doesn’t include textbooks and other student fees. I, again, count myself blessed that I don’t have a family of my own yet (no kids), and that I still live at home with my parents who let me live rent-free. So blessed. I qualified to take out student loans, but the idea of 1) Interest, and 2) Having to pay the funds back eventually, lead me to believe a student loan wouldn’t be the best thing for me. I calculated the approximate amount that interest alone would be, and it would roughly be an additional $2k on top of everything. So, since I’ve got the funds now, I’d rather pay out of pocket. What’s neat is my plan is to pay tuition month-by-month, and each month charge on my credit card (then immediately pay my credit card from my savings), and the credit card I use through my bank (which I also work for) offers rewards in cash back. Being an employee, I get even more cash back, so it would kind of work like reverse interest. I actually talked to my assistant manager about it, and she agrees that this would be the best way for my to pay for school.

So, I start in two days. Wednesdays and Thursdays will be grueling (way to be positive, right?) because I have class from approximately 2pm until 9pm. Thankfully I only have classes two days of the week.

One of my classes already has an assignment due on the first day which is lovely. I guess that's graduate school for ya.

[faithandsurrender]

[faithandsurrender]

August 19, 2019

I conquered a fear today.

I’ve always been fearful of driving on freeways and highways. I can count on my hands how many time I have done so, and each time I had such anxiety.

After work today I had an appointment at school which was about 10 miles away. I usually take side streets to reach and destination, but today the Lord covered me with peace and gave me the courage to conquer my fear.

I drove on the freeway to get to school from work, and I also took the freeway to get home from school.

This may sound silly to some, but we all have our own fears. God’s timing, for everything. Taking the freeway saves me time and gas, and with school being a decent distance away from both work and my house, this will benefit me tremendously.

[faithandsurrender]

August 16, 2019

I’m in a funk. At work I’m okay, when I’m busy and productive and surrounded by others I'm okay, but when I’m alone I feel depressed. Putting this out there actually makes it make more sense.

[faithandsurrender]

August 14, 2019

It’s been a few days.

I think one reason I’ve not been writing is because I was putting pressure on myself to write everyday. This is a stinkin blog lol I don’t have to follow any rules. I wanted my posts to be formatted a certain way, organized, and with proper grammar and punctuation, and I realized that I was limiting myself (and being hard on myself) by doing that. I’m gonna write what I want and how I want it. Less structure, more honesty and freedom.

The last few days have been stressful. My dog’s itching has become more of a problem. I was off on Monday so I took him to the vet and came home with a few medications and a spray that was supposed to help with his itching. Today, Wednesday, I woke up and he had a bloody mess on his back from scratching so much. It looked worse than it was, but I immediately took him back to the vet to get it checked out. He got an antibiotic shot, a steroid shot, and I'm praying praying praying that he’s on his way to recovery. One thing that’s neat about this story is his vet noticed my “John 3:16″ hat and told me she’d be praying for my pupper. What an awesome professional. I really appreciated her saying that.

Also today I met up with my advisor for school. We talked about my plan for the program and he gave me an idea for what to expect. As my advisor, he seemed to me that he was a little concerned about my wanting to complete the program in 3 years (which is considered full-time). The program is very rigorous, and having a part-time job—even if it’s just 20 hours a week—will be very challenging. He said it’s doable, but that it will require a lot of sacrifice, focus, and dedication on my part. Realistically, I think I'd be able to do it, but for the first six months of 2019 I worked 60 hours a week and it was exhausting. I didn’t have time for myself, for friends, or for community. So, over the next several days I’m going to be really intentional about prayer and asking God for guidance in what would be best for me to do. I’m thinking the 4-year track would be better than the 3-year track because it would enable me to tend to myself a whole lot more and balance things in a healthier way.

Something else I’ve been up to over the last few days was I joined a health/fitness challenge. A girl I follow on Instagram is a personal trainer and she regularly does different challenges that include workout plans and macro coaching. Today was day 3 and I haven’t been as motivated as I wish I was. I’ve been trying, but not as hard as I could. I’ve been more active and eating healthier than I have for a while, but I’ve not been busting my booty and giving 110% to my workouts. I am eating healthier and haven't had junk food in a few days (which is hard)... okay literally after typing that last sentence my brother walked into my room and gave me half of his spicy mcchicken sandwich. I was hungry though, because all I ate today was a protein bar, protein oatmeal, and salad. I had half a mcchicken and no fries, so I'm not gonna be hard on myself for this. Tomorrow is a new day and I’m going to go to the gym after work and do my workouts.

Oh, the last season of Jane the Virgin was also added to Netflix and I’ve been binge-watching it over the last few days. I love this show and sad that it’s reached its end.

There are 12 more days until school starts and although I wish I had a fun-filled 7 weeks between the store closing and school starting, I'm glad I caught up on rest and just relaxed. I hope these next 12 days don’t go by fast but I know they will. I’m excited yet anxious for school to start.

[faithandsurrender]

August 10, 2019

I’ve been so occupied that I’ve fallen a little behind. But I don’t want to feel obligated to post every single day and every single daily journal prompt. I guess I’ve realized lately that I struggle with some degree of perfection, and I don’t want that to affect my writing on my blog (or anything else in my life for that matter).

When I started writing this post, I was also going to include yesterday, August 9th’s happenings, but I’m trying to be less cookie-cutter and be more lax. Especially at blogging and expressing my thoughts and feelings. I guess I just want honesty from and for myself.

So, today was a good day. Something I love about working at the bank is that on Saturdays it’s only open from 10AM to 2PM. I was scheduled for 10:15 to 2:15 but ended up leaving early because 1) It was slow, and 2) I had family coming into town in the afternoon.

I spent the entire afternoon and evening with family I don’t see regularly, and it was a wonderful day. I’m now watching the new season of Jane the Virgin on Netflix. I love this show and I'm sad that season 5 is going to be the last one.

Tomorrow I plan on going to church in the morning, doing what I can to combat my dog’s flea problem like vacuum and steam the carpets (again), and go grocery shopping because I’m starting a 4-week challenge of eating healthier and working out more intentionally. I think it’s been two weeks since I went to the gym. I’m looking forward to this journey and pray that I can stay determined, motivated, and dedicated!

[faithandsurrender]

Day 17: What would you do with your life is money were no object?

[faithandsurrender]

[faithandsurrender]

August 8, 2019

I feel like I have a lot to say but my thoughts are a jumbled mess in my brain. So many topics to cover. I’ve been slackin’ on writing the last few days (I think it’s because I was watching the most recent season of The Bachelorette the last 48 hours), so I’m gonna try to catch up a bit right now,

Today was a good day. I woke up at 9:30AM with a text from my boss asking if I could come in at 10:30 instead of my scheduled 11-3 shift. I went to work, did my teller thing, and was out of there before I knew it. Working 4-hour shifts is one of the easiest things I've ever done. Especially coming from working 60 hours in 6 days for months, now working only 20 hours a week is such a breeze.

I left work, picked up some McDonald’s for me and my dad to munch on, and finished the last few episodes of The Bachelorette I’d been eager to watch. The whole season ended with such a mess and I kiiind of feel sorry for Hannah, but at the same time, she’s a follower of Jesus who chose to date 20 men at the same time. As a Christian myself, I just don’t think it’s an appropriate way to represent Christ. But, to each his own.

Which leads me to my next thought. Today, August 8th 2019, marks exactly 2 years since I last was physical with a man. I’ve only ever been intimate with one person, that being the only man I’ve been in love with/in a relationship with. The last time I had sex or even kissed a guy was August 8th, 2017. I only remember this because it was 08/08. Since the last time my ex-boyfriend and I hooked up, shortly after it happened, actually, is when I realized I had to start taking my faith seriously. The first Sunday after that last time is actually when I started to volunteer at my church, and a month after that is when I joined a Bible study group. God really does use our pain, our heartbreak, our struggles—all of it—for our good and for His glory. It took time because I was so devastated and heartbroken, but I see that now.

Next topic. I think it’s been nearly two weeks since I last went to the gym. I. Have. Just. Been. Such. A. Lazy. Butt. I'm not super disappointed with myself because of this, but I know I could need to be treating myself a whole lot better. I need to take care of myself especially because I start grad school in a few weeks. I’ve been following quite a few fitness people/accounts on Instagram who provide online personal training and/or meal plans and I finally took action tonight. There’s a girl named Jordan (Insta @jordanke) whose challenge I just started. I’m a little nervous because I’m very timid at the gym, so we’ll see how this goes. Her challenge also includes at-home workouts and macronutrient tracking, so I want to do my best at being dedicated to this challenge and giving in my all these next 28 days. I don’t want to be all words and no action... but I feel ready.

I’m in bed watching Grey’s (are we even surprised?), going to wash up and maybe do a journaling prompt or two to catch up. It’s almost 10:30 and I want to start going to bed earlier too.

[faithandsurrender]

Day 16: What would you do if you were not afraid?

[faithandsurrender]

August 7, 2019

Today was an interesting day.

I woke up at 8 and immediately called my veterinarian to cancel my dog’s appointment. I also called them to ask if they could re-write a prescription for my dog because I thought I had lost the prescription note they wrote for me last week. They told me that re-writing one would be difficult to do simply for the reason that it makes the vet look bad since the scrip quantity is so high. I freaked out when they told me this because I was pretty sure I accidentally shredded the prescription note with a receipt that I purposely shredded. I spent the next several hours of my day off desperately looking through my paper shredder to find remnants of the prescription note. I even went to my veterinarian to get a look of what the note looked like. from a little after 8AM to about 2:30PM, I was picking out pieces of what I thought could potentially be bits of what I was looking for. I’d look at the pieces with doubt and a real lack of confidence because I didn’t think I was getting anywhere.

At 2:30, I took a break to make a milkshake and asked my brother to check his car because he’s the one who picked up the prescription note in the first place. At that time, he also picked up some flea preventative. I thought I vaguely remembered the receipt of the flea and tick preventative with the prescription note, and it was those two things I thought I accidentally shredded together (when I only meant to shred the receipt). Long story short, the prescription note was in my brother’s car. After hours of desperately looking for pieces of paper in the shredder, I (he) found what I was looking for.

For the rest of the day, I stayed in bed and watched The Bachelorette. I have a crush on Pete and Tyler (I think everyone has a crush on Tyler). Luke seems like a tool and should have gone home on the first night. He reminds me of Chad from Jojo’s season.

After tonight, I’ll be a couple days behind on the daily journaling prompts so I’ll be playing catch-up soon. I posted yesterday’s with the prompt only and not the answered question, so I’ll fill that out first when I get the chance.

I've been sneezing most of the evening and really hope I'm not getting sick. My manager has been sick the last few days and got one of my coworkers sick, I sure hope I’m not next. I took some precautions but I know I need rest, so I’m going to wash up and head to bed. Hopefully I feel okay for my 4-hour shift tomorrow.

[faithandsurrender]

Day 15: Write a letter to your future self

Dear Future Self,

You are so beautiful. You are so worthy. You are so loved. You have come so far and I am so proud of you. You have a softness, a gentleness, a kindness about you that is so wonderfully special. Your soul and spirit are so full of love and Christ that you simply radiate God’s light.

You always try your best in all things that you do. Know that you are absolutely worth it. You can accomplish anything and everything that you put your mind to. Continue to reach high and set goals. Be a go-getter, for nothing is impossible with God. Trust in Him in every aspect of your life and everything will be taken care of.

The things you’ve endured prove to be a true testament for how strong, courageous, and brave you are. You are strong and there is nothing in this world that you can’t do. By the boldness of your faith, Christ will continue to guide you and lead you.

Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Spoil yourself. Cherish yourself. Continue to love yourself. Know fully that Christ and you come first. Before anything and everything else, Christ and you come first.

I love you.

[faithandsurrender]