fallensavinangel

[fallensavinangel]

15x18

hi, hello, sorry. I still don’t have new art. But I found this from last year.

[fallensavinangel]

Jack: What happened in 1812? Sam: The War of 1812. Jack: When was it? Dean: 1812. Jack: What happened then? Cas: War.

[fallensavinangel]

Mirror

Looking into the mirror, I didn’t see myself

instead I saw someone different

I saw someone so unsure of herself 

that she can’t make decisions without fearing she’ll make the wrong one

I saw someone with tired eyes 

because her paranoia keeps her up all night

I saw someone who finds no comfort in the words of others

because to her, everyone’s a liar

I saw someone who puts on a mask every day 

not to protect herself, but to hide her pain

I saw someone who believes that they’re so worthless

that she fears she’ll never find her purpose

I saw someone who is so lost in this world

that every day feels like a  step in the wrong direction

I saw someone who is desperately crying out for help

but can’t even help herself

I saw someone who has no future for themselves

and that’s when I finally accepted my fate

Suddenly, everything went black 

The mirror was gone, which meant she was gone

Without the mirror, I didn’t see as much

I didn’t see the person that’s unsure of themselves

so I imagined the confidence she displays without knowing 

I didn’t see the person with tired eyes

so I  imagined how bright her eyes were with happiness

I didn’t see the person who finds no comfort in words

so I imagined the beautiful things her ears have heard

I didn’t see the person who used a mask to hide

so I imagined her lifting up that mask 

I didn’t see the person who felt worthless

so I imagined the one who always finds worth in herself

I didn’t see the person who was lost

so I imagined the beauty within her journey

I didn’t see the person crying out for help

so I imagined the help she’s able to give herself

I didn’t see someone with no future

and that's when I realized

The girl in the mirror doesn’t exist

the one inside of me does

[fallensavinangel]

The Love I Got for You.

The love I got for you is a little different

We’ve never met, I don’t even know your middle name

But the way we seem to get each other makes that okay

We’ve never touched

But the sound of your voice and your words feel like being hugged by a loved one

The love I got for you is a little scary

What if you aren’t the person I think you are?

But that’s okay, because I’m not letting my anxiety ruin the impression you’ve left on me

The love I got for you seems wrong

I’m currently with someone else, but I can’t seem to get you off my mind

The love I got for you seems a little crazy

How could I possibly be infatuated with someone I’ve only exchanged phone calls with?

The love I got for you is a little confusing

Because I’m not sure if the feeling is mutual

The love I got for you is heartbreaking

Because I’m not sure that I’ll ever call you mine

In the end, the love I got for you is hopeful

Because maybe one day, the stars will align, and we will see them through.

[fallensavinangel]

I’m Not Okay

[fallensavinangel]

I can’t even title this..

I’m not even sure how to start this. I’ve been running through the best ways to type out my thoughts, and realized there is no right way. So I just need to come out and say how I feel without thinking about it.

I said I love you to nick tonight, and I didn’t mean it. I don’t feel the same way I used to. The main reason I feel like I’ll get back together with him in the future is because I don’t think there’s anything or anyone else out there for me. I’ve fallen for other guys, I’ve made connections that I thought would go further, but they never did. I just don’t think there’s anyone else out there for me.

Part of these feelings probably comes from the fact that I want something more with Justin, but I’ve just been coping with the fact that it’s never going to happen. There’s just so many reasons for it. He’s never going to leave his wife, no matter how toxic that relationship may be. He’s been with her for a super long time, and nothing is going to change his mind. I believe were twin flames, people that are basically meant for each other in every single way possible, but will never end up together. I just looked up some words that describe my feelings, and the French word La Douleur Exquise fit pretty well. It basically means you’re longing to be with someone that you can’t have/doesn’t want to be with you. It sucks because I feel a strong connection with him, and I always have. It came even before we started our affair. And it just sucks because I can’t even describe these feelings.

Another thing that is just killing me is that I’ll never be able to tell nick about this. He’ll never know. And if we end up together forever, it’s something I’m going to carry to my grave. I didn’t feel that pressure before, and now that we’re on track to being in a relationship again, it’s weighing on me more and more every single day. I wanna tell him, because I just feel this immense weight on my shoulders. Only a couple of people know, and I know it makes me look bad, so it’s not like I’d share it anyway.

Some people I’ve told have been pretty judgmental about the situation, saying I shouldn’t have slept with a married man. Yeah, of course I know that. I knew it was wrong, but people don’t see all the other underlying stuff going on in affairs. This is something that developed over time. I don’t just go around sleeping with married men because I feel like it. If I hadn’t had that connection with him, more than just being attracted to him physically, I never would have done it. Do I regret it? Honestly no, not really. I understand that affairs are wrong, but I’ve realized that sometimes it’s more than just sleeping with a married man because you’re attracted to him and it just “happens”. For me, it was about feeling a strong connection to him, and my naieve mind hoping it would one day go further.

While I’ve come to terms with it for the most part, I haven’t fully accepted that I’ll never be with him like I want to be. He’s married, refuses to leave his wife, and there’s nothing I can do. While I want to keep the relationship we have now, it’s still painful. Because through that affair, there was something there for me that wasn’t there for him. I don’t think it meant any more to him than just having some casual sex. I don’t think he felt the same connection I did. But I can’t even say that with the most certainty, because why me? Maybe because I was what was available, or maybe he sees something other than my looks? I’m not sure, I’m just kind of over thinking everything at this point.

I just needed to write about this, because it’s been weighing on me for so long that I’ve completely forgot I’ve had this outlet. Or sucks because it’s not the same thing as a person, but it’ll do.

~Goodnight

[fallensavinangel]

Rock bottom has built more heroes than privilege.

Anonymous (via wnq-anonymous)

[fallensavinangel]

November 9, 2017- 1:55 PM

My first semester of college has flown by so fast, I honestly can’t believe it. I thought I was gonna be super homesick and hate my life, but honestly, I’m doing better than I thought. I’m still stuck in this shitty cycle of my teammates not liking me, but I’m getting to the point where I just don’t care anymore. All I care about it being the go-to goalie, and doing well in school. At this point that’s all that matters. I need to stick with this, especially if I want to build credibility for goalie coaching. If Bryn Athyn ends up getting a team, I’m definitely going to transfer out, just for the sake of it being cheaper, and so I can be close to home. If Justin ends up getting divorced and living close to the school, I can just live with him and commute to school and save more money. Okay, I’m thinking way ahead now, but I kinda really want it to happen. I’m not counting on it but it would be nice. 

As much as I hate to say it, it’s kind of nice that my love life is probably my biggest issue right now. Breaking up with Nick was surprisingly easy, but it doesn’t really feel like were broken up. Mostly because he won’t leave me alone. I’m gonna have to figure that out sooner rather than later, because I want things to end as amicably as possible. It’s just weird not being in love with someone that you were with for so long anymore. It’s scary to think that love can kinda just burn out like that, but I feel like it happened a long time ago. I think it started after he screwed me over and broke my heart at least 3 times. I guess I was going through this long process of letting go that I didn’t even realize it. Coming to school has made me realize what I really wanted, and it’s unfortunate for him, but it’s just the way shit goes sometimes.

Another part of the love life problem is that I’m still devastated about Trever. I don’t know why, I really shouldn’t care. That night was easily one of the best nights of my life, and I really felt something I haven’t felt in a long time. I think it bothers me because I don’t know why what happened, happened. It also doesn’t help that Zach is constantly talking about him to me. I’m eventually just gonna have an emotional breakdown over it. I absolutely hate that he wont just let it go. I get it, Ralphie doesn’t want a damn thing to do with me, and I’ll never know why. Thanks for the constant daily reminder. I shouldn’t care, and its kind of ridiculous that I do, but I really really felt something, and it’s hard to not easily just let that go. I’m not sure if i’ll ever get closure, but I’m hoping that I somehow do some day. Whatever, I need to stop talking about him. It’s only making me sad.

Another “issue” I got going on is Sean. I think he’s cute, and I wanna hook up with him. I just don’t think I would wanna date him. Especially since I’m still caught up in Trever. It’s not fair to him, especially because I can tell that he really likes me. I want to like him how he likes me, but I’m not sure that I can. I mean I might be able to eventually, just not right now. I’m not really sure how I feel about him to be honest, knowing he could end up being an alcoholic doesn’t make me want to get involved. I don’t think would end up happening anyway, he wants to go back to Minnesota and I never wanna live out there. It would never work out in the end.

Yet another “issue” is Justin. I’m so glad that we’ve been keeping in touch and staying close. The other day when we were talking we started talking about our hook up. Let me tell you, I really want this. I’ve wanted this to happen for the longest time. However, I don’t think I could have sex with a married man. I would be devastated if my husband decided to cheat on me with some little, slutty college girl. I don’t think I could subject someone else to that. The whole morality thing isn’t even the biggest influence on that. I don’t want me and Justin’s relationship to change, like I don’t want him to not work with me anymore because it’s too “awkward” or whatever. He’s honestly probably the most important person in my life right now, I can’t lose him. I don’t know what I would do. I need him to help me get my foot through the door of the goalie coaching world as well. I’m not even just trying to use him. He’s my best friend, he saved me from myself when I came back from Michigan. He gave me a new life, and I can’t lose him.

On a side note, holy deja vu. I feel like I saw this moment before when I was like really really young. That’s so weird.

Anyway, getting back to it, everything’s going okay. There’s just a lot I have yet to figure out, but I’ll figure it out... eventually. I’m going to continue this later, I’m too all over the place right now to keep typing. I would type myself out. 

~Tay

[fallensavinangel]

I've come to ththe conclusion...

That no matter how hard I try to be grateful for I have, and to be happy, my life still sucks. I'm never going to have what I want, so I should just give up and accept that. I can't even have the guy that I want. I can't get my teammates to like me. I can't be the best at hockey. No matter what I do nothing ever works out. So honestly, I'm done trying. I'm giving up trying to live my best life because clearly nothing works. Nothing good ever comes my way, and I'm tired of it. I see that the grass is greener on the other side, and it sucks to be stuck behind a fence. I can't do this shit anymore.

[fallensavinangel]

I hate when Nick goes out and drinks with his friends without me. I hate not being there to make sure he doesn't make any dumbass decisions, or let his friends let him do stupid things. I hate that I always feel like he's happy when he's with his friends, but he's never as happy when he's with me. I feel like I can't compete with his friends. I feel like one day they're going to win this invisible battle that we don't even realize that we're in. It's not that I don't trust him, it's that I don't trust anyone when they're drunk. Alcohol alters your decision making 100%, so I never know what types of decisions he's making when I'm not there. After Justin tried to make a move on me when he was drunk, it made me trust no one. The reason being, he loves his wife more than anything, and it's obvious. Why would he ever wanna throw that away to hook up with me? The answer is: he wouldn't. He just drank waaaayyy too much and the alcohol made him act like a different person. That's why I don't trust anyone when they're drinking, including Nick. I just wish I could be there, hanging with him and the guys. But I have to go to stupid orientation for school. I really don't want to, I honestly don't care at this point. It's gonna be so awkward and long and boring. I just wanna have fun with friends like he does, because I constantly feel left out. I'm also afraid that I'm pregnant now. I don't know how it could have happened with condoms, but I just have this sick feeling that somehow, one little sperm made its way to my vagina, and fertilized the egg that I released. It's killing me because I won't know for another 2 weeks. We shall see what happens...

[fallensavinangel]

Good Riddance (My Fake Suicide Letter)

To whom it may concern, You're obviously wondering what lead us up to this point. It's not that simple, so sit back, and hear what I have to say. Speaking of listening, that's not something you were very good at. Every time I opened my mouth to share a concern or problem, you always shut me down. You told me that I'm being over dramatic or immature. You told me that I need to learn to let things go. Here's the thing, bud, it's not as easy as that. You may have realized this already; I take everything to heart. I over analyze everything, I nit pick every little word I hear, every little sigh, every little eye roll, I see it all. To me, life is always filled with stuff that you can't see. I'm always trying to make sure I know what's coming to me, that's why I so will take what you say, and how you said it, and interpret it 1000 different ways. Again, my brain never shuts off. With that being said, I don't do the things I do for attention, I do it because I physically and mentally cannot help it. I can't leave something unfinished or unsolved. If I see a piece of trash on the ground, I can't just walk right by it. The guilt will kill me. If I don't finish something, part of my life feels incomplete. I hate that feeling of emptiness. That all ties in with my obsessive desires. How I need to be the best in everything I do. How I'm super competitive, and that I hate feeling like someone who doesn't work as hard as I do is surpassing me somehow. No matter how hard I work, or how well I perform, I always think there's more in me. Even in my best days, I still feel like a failure. That's another thing, I always feel as if I have failed in life. I didn't go D1, I didn't grow a few more inches, I didn't go to my dream school, I didn't get better looking, I didn't pick up many other talents or hobbies, and the list just keeps on growing. Every day I wake up and look at myself and see a loser. I see someone who just sucks and shouldn't be on this planet. I'm tired of living. I'm tired of always being unhappy. I came to the conclusion that I don't think I'll ever be as happy and fulfilled as I once was. I lived in the past, and never wanted to move on. Maybe because being in my past is more comfort than trying to make it by in this present life that I wish I didn't have. That's why I wanna say, good riddance. Good riddance to this terrible, terrible life of mine. Maybe one day I can start over, and not be as much of a failure. Maybe the higher power that exists will love me this time, and make me into the person I worked so hard to be, yet never was. Maybe I can go relive my past for the rest of my after life. So goodbye to all the pain, and to this waste of a life. Don't let the door hit you in the way out. And goodbye to all of you who had part in this decision. I won't miss you. Good riddance to you all, Taylor

[fallensavinangel]

I Hate Myself

I hate everything about myself. I hate how I look 12 years old. I hate how I’m short. I hate my brown hair. I hate my light brown eyes. I hate the freckle on my left cheek. I hate all my baby hairs. I hate my body type. I hate my finger nails. I hate my voice. I hate my personality. I hate my small boobs. I hate my vagina. I hate everything about myself. I could edit all of my pictures and still find nothing attractive about myself. I hate who I am. I hate how I can’t change most of what I want to change. I hate not being born beautiful. I hate not being born confident. I hate not being born with a personality that just draws people to me. I hate everything about myself. I can’t find anything good to say about myself. I don’t think I’ve ever felt beautiful in my entire life. No ones ever made me feel beautiful. I will never feel good about myself. Ever.

[fallensavinangel]

Late Night Thoughts 4/12/17

I think the worst thing in the world is feeling lonely even though you're really not. Having all these people around you, and yet you somehow still feel isolated. You feel trapped, calling out for someone to help you. Yet you're not even sure why you need help. You're not sure what's wrong. Also, I think feeling unaccomplished may be worse. In someone else's eyes you've done so much and have become so much. Yet to you, you feel like a failure. You feel like you've done nothing important, and that you're just as mediocre as everyone else. No matter how far you make it, you're always going to see yourself as coming up short. Because your dreams and goals seem unattainable... so far away and out of sight...

[fallensavinangel]

:/

I've felt like I've accomplished nothing in my life. Anything I've done so far isn't important. It feels like every accomplishment I have made in hockey, everyone else makes it as well. I don't feel special. Going D3 doesn't make me feel special. Doing to some meh school doesn't make me feel special. Barely being able to compete with my goalie coaches team doesn't make me feel special. Playing for the NEWJHL doesn't make me feel special. I literally feel like a failure. I've done nothing spectacular. I feel like I'm just like everyone else. That's something I never wanted to be... fuck...

[fallensavinangel]

...

I've completely given up on regaining my happiness. I'm never going to be the goalie I once was. I'm never going to be on a team that I like and can enjoy hockey with again. I'm going to struggle in college, just for a stupid degree. I'm never going to make it as a goalie coach, even with Justin and Chris's help. I'm not good at anything. I'm just okay. I'm not good, great, excellent. I'm nothing. I'm just going to keep on being the nothing that I always have been. I'm just going to face it now: I'm never going to be happy again.

[fallensavinangel]

Drained

I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I don't even want to work out or play hockey right now. I want this season to be over so I can finally move on. I don't know how much longer I can deal with being here. I'm just so done. I'm not myself, and want to be back in a place or state of mind that I know I can be myself. It's mentally exhausting having to deal with these people. It's mentally exhausting to have to put on a "I wanna be here" face when in reality all you wanna do is go home and forget about them. I feel depressed, just 100% drained. I don't wanna do anything, just sleep all day. I feel like I'm not living up to my full potential, but at this point of the season you can't back from that. I don't really know what to do. Part of me is trying to bring me up while the other part keeps dragging me down. It's making me a mess.

[fallensavinangel]

2/1/17- Life's Messy

My life is a complete mess right now. I'm still trying to figure out my college situation, while staying consistent in hockey, and now theres another curveball. After everything that happened with Justin, I can't get him or that night off of my mind. Every time I close my eyes to sleep, that moment when he made a move on me constantly replays in my head. I'm proud of myself for not giving in to temptation, and feel that I made the right choice for the long run. Justin and I had a great relationship before this happened, and still do. If I had fucked him, that would have changed everything. Part of me is upset that I didn't do it, because I want to be a little more rebellious, and also because I've always wanted to fuck him. The weird part about it was I feel like it wasn't even me who said no. It was literally my subconscious mind taking over and saying no. I hadn't even thought of what the aftermath could've been like, or how things would have changed. I just pushed him away and said no. Part of me was in total shock that he felt the same way about me. I believe it because he even told me that he would fuck me once he sobered up. He didn't try to say that he didn't actually want that, and that it was just the drinks talking. I don't know why he would want to fuck me though, he has a beautiful, blonde, skinny, tall wife. I want us to always have that special brother/sister like bond that we have had for a long time. However, it changes things a little bit when you both wanna fuck each other. I don't wanna break up with Nick just to be Justin's fuck buddy. That would be an even bigger mistake. Honestly I have so much going on right now that it's driving me crazy. I just want to commit to a school already so I don't have to keep stressing over that, and so all I have to worry about it getting over what happened Sunday night.