fallin-flowers

[fallin-flowers]

A little update I’m a parent of two now I have a baby girl who just turned one last month!  I never understood the loneliness that I parents felt until now. I’m basically a single parent. Yeah we live together but we’re basically just roommates so I do a lot of things by myself just me and my kids. Am starting to feel the loneliness of being a single mother.  I love my kids more than life itself but it’s hard constantly doing it by myself even harder when you know there’s somebody else there that can help you but they choose not to for whatever reason I’m done trying to understand him and make excuses for him. If he wanted to he would, What I constantly remind myself anytime he’s not doing things with us or going places with us if he wanted to he would no more excuses. I used to be angry and resentment. Now it’s just turning into sadness for my kids sake their father isn’t present even though he lives under the same roof, he puts no effort in. And it’s not my job to encourage him to get involved. I’m getting pretty tired of it, though. I want a partner who is involved and present and who wants to do things with us. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for. Why do I always pick these men that are emotionally unavailable? I’m so over it. 



[fallin-flowers]

Baby boy!

Am 7 months pregnant with my first child!! Due on July 31st am excited, nervous, anxious, and in disbelief until I hold him in my arms for the first time. In just in a couple months my life will forever change I have no idea what to expect. Childbirth is all unfamiliar and scary. It’s truly a blessing that I thought I would never be able to experience is to be a mother.

[fallin-flowers]

I don't know how much more I can take.

2009 was the year I lost my mom the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Then in 2012 was just as bad when I lost my sister. Now 2017 is only going to repeat itself this time with my dad. I don't know how much more time he has I hate seeing him like this knowing there is nothin I can do to help him. It's only a matter of time now. Please pray that is quick and painless for him.

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Motherless daughter.

Moments in life like this I miss my mom more then anything and anyone. She was my strength.

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Mother day.

The closer it gets to Mother’s Day I feel like it’s getting shoved in my face. With the commercials the advertising of it all. I miss my mom everyday of my life so my emotions are overwhelmed with it being shoved in my face everywhere I look. It’s like reminder of how much I miss her even more. There so much you learn for your mom in your in your adult life. Mother’s Day is just a reminder of what am missing out on and how bad I need her help though all of this and her support. It’s not easy doing this on my own but some how and doing it not sure if am doing it the right way. Thats where I need her help, I need her guidance, her opinions, her advice, that’s where it hurts the most. Over time it doesn’t get any easier the pain just gets deeper. I’ve never wanted something so bad in life I can’t have and it never goes way.

5/9/17

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3/16/17

I learned something about myself today. I hate asking for help. Some people are harder than others to ask. I feel so awkward and vulnerable and I don’t like that feeling. Face fears helps build character I hear.. Doesn’t seem to help the process go any easier. I have to except this is my life and I have to do what I have to do to make life what I want it to be. Even if it includes doing things I don’t want to do makes it so hard to do. This war that goes on inside me back and forth trying to build myself up to only get insecurities that tear me back down. Then I get in to my own head and I overthink everything. Drive myself crazy at time. My inner thoughts tenet to haunt me. But in the end of it all I have to do this ask for help and be completely vulnerable. It’s terrifying.

[fallin-flowers]

Getting in to my feelings.

Feeling some deep emotions that I’ve been bottling up for a while. Keeping them on the back on my mind try not to let them overwhelm me. My birthday is next month about to be a year older and what do I have to show for it. One of many reasons why I choose not to let these emotions out... I get depressed. I started to think what I look like in other people’s eyes. Most of the time I don’t give a shit of what people think but I do have my moments of weakness. Then I get an overwhelmed of emotions take over and I feel like they are out of control. I don’t show this side of me to anyone. I may let a few very close people in. But I only let myself go so far. That uncontrollable feeling of emotions, I’m scared of them myself. I feel so many things all at once. So many thoughts fill my mind so many emotions from all different directions hit me all at once. Then to add in paranoia of what I can’t even tell you maybe… my insecurities? It’s could be so many different things. I am scared, unsure, lost, sad, excited, happy just to name a few. Sometimes I feel absolutely crazy and feel so alone. Looking for anyone to relate in my own reality could be so lonely at times. Sometimes I’m starting to feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore or what I want. I feel I am so far from getting my shit together. I feel so much like a loser a failure in some eyes. But again that can just be my own insecurities. A battle that goes on in my head. It’s back-and-forth up-and-down roller coaster effects of emotions. I don’t know where it begin or nor where it ends. I like to think I am not the only one that feels this way but I am unsure of it. I have it under control most of the time. Sometimes late at night is when it all comes out the doubting myself the insecurities it feels endless at time.

[fallin-flowers]

PMSing

I was a happier person when I didn't care what other thought about me. So why did things change why do I care I don't want to. Just making me fall into a depression. I am tired of life....

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Change is coming.

Today feels different I don't know in what sense but it does.

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A lot to think about.

I need to start thinking about myself and what I want in my life. Thinking long and hard about moving back to Washington to be with my family and friends. I want to be with somebody who wants to marry me and have kids I’m not getting any younger. I have so much self-doubt about myself which holds me back a lot in my life. My whole life i've been holding myself back just because I don't believe I can do it by myself. I don't know where I get that from.

[fallin-flowers]

So Confused and a weird feeling.

Its 5am and wide wake. Woke up not knowing what day it was. I swear it was Sunday until I looked at my phone and saw it was Saturday. Just had a dream I was fighting with my mom. I have had a lot of dreams of her lately. I guess that means I am missing her…. I really miss having a mother I don’t know what is like having a mother in my adult life. I truly feel I am missing out. I miss her so much. 👼🏼❤️

[fallin-flowers]

It can get pretty depressing after a while...

When you tend to do the same thing day in and day out. Get stuck into the routine of life. Have no outlet nothing to look forward to it can get rough. at times. But I try to remind myself I have a roof over my head I have a car to drive and I have a job. I have everything I need and want at the moment. I'm not ungrateful I'm just bored with life. I need some excitement in my life whatever that might be...

[fallin-flowers]

When running starts to pay off.

All my underwear are too big for me now. 😕

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Not today.

Do you ever find yourself hiding from people when your not in the mood to entertain the conversation when at school or at work.. 😕 Currently hiding in a stock closet to avoid conversation with a guy that as made it clear that he’s interested. 😬

[fallin-flowers]

Wow eye-opener!!

I just discovered a pattern with my best friend and her relationship with men.. We've been friends for 20 years+ and I'm just now seen it!! I'm unsure if she sees it or realizes it yet for herself. This never ends well thou..

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Feeling unmotivated.

When you literally been laying around eating junk food all day tends to make you feel like shit. I feel so bloated and miserable. 😩

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This day would never end.

I couldn't imagine how bored I would be if I didn't have my phone to entertain me while at work.