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fallseventimesstandupeight · 2 years ago

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in another life,

i would be happy, and healthy. i would've grown up cheerful and curious, a playful child who never has to question whether her family loves her. i'd never be called stupid (and thus never live the rest of my life feeling like i'm never enough), never be abused or witness any abuse (and thus wouldn't live in a constant state of uncertainty and fear and anxiety), never have to look at others with envy and sadness as i circle things on a toy catalogue and force myself to give up on things i know i'll never deserve that others are lucky to have. i would never feel like a burden for being alive—my parents would never guilt me about them working and scrimping and saving just so they could raise me. i would never go to sleep with my tummy rumbling because i secretly left more food for my family even though i was really, really hungry. i would never go to sleep with tears on my pillow because i don't know how to talk about my emotions and i don't feel safe around anyone enough to divulge them. i would never feel alone.

in another life,

i would grow up a confident teenager and never doubt my abilities. i would be able to focus at school because i wouldn't be worn out from all the violence at home. i wouldn't be a bad student, a troublemaker, a disappointment. i would study well and do well because deep down i know i can be quite smart, if only i'd been pushed towards my potential. i wouldn't skip school because i wouldn't be exhausted and anxious all the time. i would make lots of friends and i wouldn't feel sad and jealous of them for coming from supportive families and growing up with simple things i never got to have. i would bring home good grades and achieve good things, and i'd go home and tell my family about them, and my parents would let me know that they're proud of me. it would, in turn, make me proud of myself, and make me feel confident—never doubtful—of who i am. this would later make me better able to achieve the things i set out for myself, maybe even work up to attaining that masters in psychology i once dreamt of having. i wouldn't expect a reward because just acknowledgment and to know i made someone proud would be enough. i never really got anything much of that in this life anyway.

in another life,

i would be careful. i wouldn't fall for anything or anyone deceitful, because i would be from a healthy family that teaches me healthy boundaries—that nurtures me to understand that violence is never okay, that no one should force you to do things against your consent, and that, should anyone attempt to do things to me against my will, i could talk to my family and they would know what to do. they wouldn't belittle my feelings. they would take me seriously. i wouldn't fall for any tricks. i wouldn't be sexually assaulted. i wouldn't spend the next few years of my life confused and afraid and feeling dirty without understanding why. i wouldn't talk to my friend about my first sexual encounter thinking i should be proud of it, when i really shouldn't be. i would understand what rape is. i wouldn't be afraid of confronting people who hurt others. i would put people in jail if i really had to. i wouldn't be so scared of being alone. i wouldn't be so scared of not having anyone believe me, because in another life, i am healthy, and my family is healthy, and we support each other. in another life, i am close to my relatives, and i can turn to my cousins for fun, and to talk about serious things. we would be a close-knit family, like many families around me.

in another life,

i would not have a mental health condition, or at least, if i had one because of heredity, then it wouldn't be because of trauma or exacerbated by it. and because i either wouldn't have a condition or it wouldn't be as bad as it is now, i wouldn't be fighting a constant battle against anxiety every single day, and i would be able to manage it better, and it wouldn't be able to pull me undertow as easily as it does now. i wouldn't be flighty, so i would be able to commit to working full-time for years on end, and i wouldn't be financially illiterate. i wouldn't be living on money that depletes faster than they're earned. i would be smart at saving, instead of being poor, or spending my money all at once because i never really get the chance to treat myself to things or have anyone treat me, or because of that annoying symptom of my disorder that makes me rash and impulsive. i would have a savings account, and i would have a ton of savings way before i even have plans to marry or buy a house. i would have a safety-net. i would have a stash of cash saved for a rainy day. i wouldn't feel suicidal because i wouldn't fear not being able to survive. i wouldn't want to kill myself all the time.

in another life,

my mother would never have fallen ill and passed away too soon. she would be healthy and live a long age, with my father, and they would have a loving, healthy relationship till the very end. i would be close to my mother, because i always imagined that if the circumstances had been different, i would be a mummy's girl. i would hug her and hold her hand often because i wouldn't be afraid of her. i would tell her about my life and ask her for advice and talk to her about my boyfriend and best friends and anybody important to me, and she would listen and share what she thinks and there would only be love. my siblings and i would grow up close. i would never feel distant or abandoned by my older siblings. my younger brother and i would never feel isolated and depressed. we would be able to talk to each other if we had problems, and solve them together, never judge, never making anyone feel unloved. my father would never make the rest of us feel bad for being who we are. we would never feel guilty for being alive. i would never grieve a relationship i never got to have with the people in my family. i would never feel guilty and ashamed for looking for family in other people, other places. i would never feel envious of other people, even my own significant other, for having a loving family. i would never compare myself to others. i would never feel undeserving. i would never cry myself to sleep. i would never type a post like this one. there wouldn't be any need to.

in another life,

i would never live with a wounded child that cries, everyday, inside of me.

#personal

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