A place for my fandom trash to live and make little trash babies. Grown-ass woman currently dumpster-diving in Fallout and Mass Effect. You cannot possibly judge me harsher than I judge myself.
Chaotic, Controversial and Generally Cursed Baldur’s Gate Fancast
Part 3: The Baddies
Johnny Depp as Raphael
CONTROVERSIAL Johnny Depp does character acting so well, but he’s another sad, abusive, mess of a man. Also, pretty sure he’s a raging alcoholic. You play Hunter S Thompson ONE TIME and that becomes your whole personality.
Mel Gibson as Ketheric Thorm
CONTROVERSIAL Mel Gibson is good actor but an absolute dumpster fire of a person - physical abuse and multiple abusive, racist, anti-semitic and homophobic rants.
Jared Leto as Lord Gortash
CURSED Both have very punchable faces. Leto would go full method and make production a living hell for all parties involved. Some of which deserve it, ngl.
Miley Cyrus as Orin the Red
CHAOTIC (NEUTRAL) I actually think Miley would be fabulous in this role. She comes off as a bit unhinged anyway, so it weirdly works.
Melissa McCarthy as The Elder Brain
CHAOTIC (GOOD) Just imagine rolling up to the biggest baddest and she sounds like a G-D over caffeinated Midwest soccer mom.
Chaotic, Controversial and Generally Cursed Baldur’s Gate Fancast
Part 2: Extended Party
Lea Michele as Minthara
CONTROVERSIAL She’s known for being kind of an asshole, which, if she could read, would probably hurt her feelings.
Brad Pitt as Halsin
CONTROVERSIAL Looks are passable, but the vibes are off. There’s a reason his kids are no longer in contact with him.
Also, he and Gwyneth Paltrow were an “it” couple in the ‘90s - looking forward for some ex tension that culminates in Halsin and Jaheira eventually rocking the same haircut.
Gwyneth Paltrow as Jaheira
CURSED I find her absolutely insufferable. Unlike Jaheira, I could totally see her using the scroll of immortality.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as Minsc and Taika Waititi as Boo
CHAOTIC (NEUTRAL) The Rock plays The Rock in every role he’s ever done. And Taika Waititi is a delightfully chaotic soul who will steal the show as Boo a la Korg in the cinematic masterpiece, Thor: Ragnarok.
Chaotic, Controversial and Generally Cursed Baldur’s Gate Fancast
Part 1 : Main Party
Machine Gun Kelly as Astarion
CURSED Ever wonder what Astarion would be like if he all of the attitude and none of the charisma? Now’s your chance to find out! Plus, I get the feeling he’d get way too into his vampire role and make it his entire personality.
Ariana Grande as Lae’zel
CURSED Notoriously difficult to work with and 100% will break up another cast member’s marriage (my bets are on Pratt).
Chris Pratt as Gale
CURSED He's really just The Worst Chris™ - and that's saying a lot with Cristopher Columbus in the running.
Rachel Zegler as Shadowheart
CONTROVERSIAL She is an incredibly polarizing figure for reasons that, from a casual observer, seem pretty dumb (Disney adults are exhausting and unrelated racism).
Kevin Hart as Wyll
CURSED Look, I love Wyll, but I’m just imagining a 5’4” Blade of Frontiers asking mommy Karlach for “uppies”.
Megan Thee Stallion as Karlach
CHAOTIC (GOOD) Real Hot Girl Shit™ but literally. She’s tall, gorgeous, charismatic and likes to dance. Fight me; she’s perfect.
i kinda love how kravitz is described as a handsome, dark-haired man and everyone just nodded in some sort of unspoken agreement that he looks *exactly* like a sophisticated lenny kravitz.
Fall in love again with me, Amelie, now on DVD. You miss that new relationship so maybe fall in love with me, Amelie! Don't look for me on Blu-ray, I'm not on Blu-ray yet. I'm on DVD. I'm too small to fit on the Blu-ray, they lose me; I am Amelie! I'm hiding near the spindle, I am Amelie! This laser disc is gigantic, I am on the edge of it.
Dragon age is coming back so you know what that means. Logging into your dash each day and seeing callouts because someone sided with the magical wizard rumpus club over the warlock circlejerk in their playthrough. Getting messages calling you problematic for following someone who has mixed feelings about the gnome independence movement. Seeing paragraphs upon paragraphs about how slorpity porpity the esteemed magical elf was actually justified in signing the pixie exclusion act. Get ready.