My personal BG3 body headcanons
Lae’Zel: Flat chested, bottom heavy. She doesn’t need fucking boobs. “But what if they’re for sex purposes-“ shut up she doesn’t need boobs.
Shadowheart: Diamond shaped
Gale: Fat. “But what if he works out in his tower meh meh meh” shut up. What he does in his tower is read, feed and plays with his cat, cook a new recipe and and then realizes he has no one to share the family sized meal he made and eats it
Astarion: Skinny as a twig until you let him start drinking the blood of enemies every fight, then he plumps up just a little. It’s noticeable but it’s just a slight layer of pudge, nothing too drastic, you just can’t see his ribs anymore now that he’s freely gorging himself
Wyll: Doesn’t look like much until you see him take off his clothes. Total gunshow. Not big like Halsin but not small either. Can pick you up with one arm though. Also has a very grabable waist and the nicest butt in Baldur’s Gate.
Halsin: He’s fatjacked. Very muscular but still has a prominent belly. Like he can rip a tree stump out of the ground and his arms are huge and his pecs are toned yet still soft but you can still tell he loves his meals. His butt gives Wyll’s a run for its money.
Karlach: Absolutely jacked. Can rip a tree stump out with one arm, while carrying you in the other. Like that big bitch from Love Lies Bleeding
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Having watched Gale’s ‘Evil Ending’, read a few spicy takes, and thought about it for a bit, I just want to point something out: every time Gale has any interactions with the Heavens/Elysium/The Gods, be it in-game or as an alternate ending, it’s not good for him, and he’s never truly happy.
Of course the Evil ending is the most extreme version with him straight up hating the Gods and waging war, but in addition, there’s also:
Gale having suffered during his time in Elysium as Mystra’s plaything Chosen
Gale becoming God of Ambition, but losing his family/ Tav
Gale becoming God of Ambition and ascending Tav, but him still being insecure/unsatisfied with himself, and possibly destroying the Pantheon
Gale dying from attempting to be a God and failing to dethrone Mystra
Gale dying after following Mystra’s orders to detonate the orb (causing many to suffer if done in Act 2, the very thing Gale NEVER wanted to happen)
Gale becoming Illithid and then being taken to Elysium with Mystra, in a scene which has which has chemistry lower than the Mariana trench and is possibly the unsexiest thing I have ever seen
So, when people say that Gale should forgive Mystra, become her Chosen again (which is spoken about on the docks in the ending where he returns the Crown to Mystra), and that the Evil Ending shows this is a ‘good’ thing…I’m not seeing it.
In contrast, I could talk about the ending where he leaves the Crown in the river, the orb remains in his chest, and how that works out great—he’s not beholden to Mystra, he’s happy and satisfied with himself/Tav/his life which results in the orb being dormant, then later Mystra cures the damn thing permanently anyway, AND he gets to have a cool scar that keeps his students in check, and also definitely lights up when he’s horny for Tav, etc. etc.
But I’m gonna go one step further and talk about what happens when Gale goes to Hell. Yes, Hell. Literal, actual Hell, the farthest place from Heaven, which is what happens when he is romanced by origin Karlach and he goes with her to Avernus.
Remember how every iteration of Gale in Heaven results in him being unhappy in some way? Here’s Gale in Hell with his beloved Karlach:
He is happy as a clam!
Tara visits them frequently!
There’s even a f*cking bookstore!
In Conclusion:
If you want Gale to be truly happy, KEEP HIM AWAY FROM THE GODS.
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Tara checking on Gale during during an "episode" with the orb. I can't do backgrounds, but this is how I pictured Gale in his study in the latest chapter of my fic.
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my ex-religious is really showing with this one boys. anyway gonna tell my kids this was jesus christ of nazareth
(support my kofi~☕)
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