farakitifu

[farakitifu]

I love my solitude, a lot, I enjoy going on walks alone, being alone, going out by myself, doing things by myself because that’s who I have at the end of the day and I think that it’s important that you can be by yourself, but I know that I was meant to be a lover, I was meant to have someone to love and when I go out on walks alone and see a couple I wonder to myself, when is it my turn?

I know people tell me that “my time for that will come soon” and I get it, I know that, but for now all I have is just yearning, yearning for something that I don’t have right now, I enjoy my time in the present and my solitude, but I also want someone to love, not as only a friend or my family, something more, I want to lay in bed at night after a long day and feel love from someone that loves me unconditionally as someone more than a friend, someone that makes me feel safe.

Im scared of love because of past relationships, and I’ve never had what I wanted, so I long for something I’ve never felt before., It’s such a weird feeling because, How do you long for something you’ve never felt before? It’s so odd having these feelings but you gotta live with it; I said I was scared of love because of what has happened but I’m also willing to try again, I’ve been saying that even if you’re scared, do it, do it scared but just do it, but how can I do it if no one wants my love?

So all i’m asking is when is it my turn?

[farakitifu]

I love when someone is playing the guitar and the chord doesn’t sound quite right but it makes the rest of the song still sound so pretty and unique

[farakitifu]

me and daydreaming are the best couple for lonely and boring days

[farakitifu]

something I love a lot is when people, through art, express the human body completely nude, a simple pose but nude or a person doing something so mundane while nude and the comfort of their space, I find it so beautiful how artists represent the reality of the human body without any coverage or sexualizing it because the human body and all the types of human bodies there are are so beautiful and pure, and also the fact that no part in the human body is there a straight line, that’s something I learnt when I started drawing, and it’s so beautiful because those imperfections make someone perfect and unique, I could go on and on about this

[farakitifu]

[farakitifu]

Back near September I started talking with a guy, he came up to me first and I thought he was nice and he is pretty handsome and cute too; He asked for my instagram and we started hitting it off, we saw eachother three times in total in the span of 5 months, all of those months he talked to me and told me he wanted something with me and lead me on, I was happy with that, thinking maybe it’s my time to have something real, I was ready, but out of nowhere he ghosted me, and saw a story he posted with a his now girlfriend, a bummer really. My best friend and her boyfriend who is also my friend (the friends we had in common he and I) both told me he was a perfect match for me and that we would make a cute couple, but when I told them that it didn’t work out they told me that he sometimes is like that and he might’ve been a bad option.

At work there is a coworker I really like to work with because he is the only other Mexican there, so the vibes we have are different from the other coworkers (I love the other ones too tho), and since we’re the only ones that speak Spanish and we would rather talk Spanish I feel like it’s a break from talking in English and I enjoy it, he is super nice and sometimes reminds me of a brother, we’re both the same age and he has the same name as the guy in the story I told before which I find funny, either way, he said he might work somewhere else and I’d like to work somewhere else too, but that topic is for another post; I hope someday we can hangout together before we both leave, he seems fun to hangout with.

There is a friend my friend (the boyfriend of my best friend) has, I’ve seen him at reunions because we have well, similar friends, but I don’t talk to him really, that’s the funny part of all of this, he seems cool but we’re not really friends, i’ve probably talked to him about 2 times and just to ask him something.

Last night I had a dream, first it was with the guy in story 1, we were at the park and there was a big screen and they were projecting a movie before a countdown (i’m not sure if it was new years or whatever) so while the movie was on he told me to sit next to him, so I went and started talking, I was feeling the things I felt when we first started talking, all of that giggling and butterflies on the stomach and hope of something, but after the movie ended and the countdown I tried to lay my head on his shoulder and he just stood up quickly and said that he had to talk to his girlfriend and left, and I woke up.

A while later I fell asleep again and the next dream was about the guy in story 3, we were at the supermarket and were grocery shopping, I felt just as if I was making him company, after shopping he told me we should go somewhere to eat and as a mini date, even though I felt nothing and I knew he felt nothing like that either, so he told me to wait outside in the cold at night in front of the store and he left his jacket, maybe something telling me that he’d be back; Hours passed and I didn’t receive a message or anything and I started getting worried, I asked my friend and she told me that he probably left me for good, and I started crying, I felt miserable and worthless because I was good for nothing and I can’t make connections with friends because I suck, and after a while I just walked home with his stuff and the groceries. I woke up a while later and fell back asleep.

Third dream was about the guy in story 2, my coworker, I remember We were laying down on a hotel bed with another good friend (she) of mine, him and I were talking and looking at our phone and my friend was on the other side of the bed, we were all just chilling and we started talking and I felt so happy because I was with friends I enjoyed being with at the moment, no drama, just talking and I felt safe. And then I woke up again confused because of all of those dreams.

[farakitifu]

Song of the day after the first week of classes; I’m a big mess, I am waitlisted on all my classes but instead of giving up as I would’ve the past year, i’m pushing through and actually putting the effort to get into the classes, grabbing every little spot or opportunity I have to actually register into them.

I don’t have much time to do stuff since class ends at 10am and I get to work at 11am but squeezing everything together there’s a gap of time for everything.

I’m not giving up this year and I will try to pass everything even though it seems impossible.