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[fatedwithmbc]

I never wear heels. Ok, I ALMOST never wear heels, but I did when I went to church on Christmas Eve. The next day my heel felt bruised. I chalked it up to a poor shoe decision and figured it would heal itself as time went on. Here we are a month later and I have finally gone to the Podiatrist. It’s not a bruise: I have Insertional Achilles Tendonitis and a Sural Nerve Impingement. Best case scenario steroids and injections will resolve my issues. Physical Therapy may be an option. Worst case scenario could require surgery. I was informed it’s a major surgery as I have would have to have the piece of bone removed from my heel that is aggravating the Achilles. For the next week I’m on steroids, have stretching to do and had to buy a more flexible sneaker. If there is no improvement, it’s injection time at my next appointment.

Despite this being all foot related, my MBC became forefront of the appointment. As I was having my foot x-rayed, the technician asked if I was pregnant or trying and I said matter of factly I could not conceive. She asked why and we began a discussion about my diagnosis and she couldn’t fathom it because of how young I looked. She seemed genuinely concerned and shocked. She asked about my metastasis and how my treatment was coming along. I felt heard by a stranger. And it felt genuine.

My doctor also asked about my MBC as the steroids will reduce the effectiveness of my aromatase inhibitor, but it’s the most conservative treatment for my foot.

I never thought my foot appointment would have so much to do with my cancer diagnosis and yet nothing to do with it at all. It was an interesting appointment.

I know I haven’t had an entry in quite sometime but the interactions today stuck with me and I felt like I needed to get the out of my head. I’m glad to have this space for these type of scenarios.

[fatedwithmbc]

Pinktober has arrived. Everyone will come out of the woodwork and support breast cancer. The NFL will support all cancers with their Crucial Catch platform, which started as pink attire for breast cancer. Everyone will seek donations for such a good cause. Ideally, presuming the donations will fund research or patient needs. Assume nothing unless you have researched the organization. Big names who get a lot of funds do little for patients and research. Small organizations are very transparent. The allocation of funds is easily accessible for donors to review. Clearly, I ultimately support Unite for Her in South Eastern Pennsylvania.

Last year was the first time I was subjected to October as a breast cancer patient. I didn’t like it. I don’t like it today and I won’t like it for the remainder of the month. I want care and concern all year long. Mainly, from those in the forefront of my life. Since my diagnosis is not as acute as earlier stages, I sometimes feel lost in the day to day of some of my family members. For instance, if I don’t reach out to them, there’s no follow up or conversation. Typically, I don’t feel too bothered by this- but “Pinktober” is an everyday reminder and it has a trickle down effect.

I’m also feeling sensitive because I have a scan tomorrow. And I’m anxious. And I’m scared. And all of the statistics that are coming out to educate others are making me think too much.

Despite tomorrow being scan day, I will have to wait some time for the results. So, stalking of My Chart and googling of verbiage will commence as soon as the report is available to me. Because I’m a glutton for punishment. All I can do is wait and hope for positive news. It’s hard to be positive. I’m going to try.

All of this is ok and normal to feel. And I will have to remind myself of that everyday during “Pinktober”.

🩷🩵💚

[fatedwithmbc]

Ahhh, that feeling of insomnia that has you utterly in its grasp and unfortunately there’s no wrangling free despite Ambien and ZzzQuil and you have to be up in 5 hours.

So there’s one run-sentence for the masses to read.

It doesn’t help that I keep staring at/researching a used car I intended to inquire about after my maintenance appointment on my existing car tomorrow.

I’ve wanted a Rogue Sport for ages. They stopped making them with iteration 2022. Hence looking at the low mileage, used car.

What’s wrong with my existing car? Nada. But they want it and I want the other one. If I can achieve a lower payment based on my worthiness of said dealership, I’ll bite and get it.

Now is the time if any to buy a car considering the UAW strikes. Better now before everything starts effecting the supply chain.

This is all very logical, so why the insomnia…?

Cedar and Lavender are in the diffuser as well.

The television is turned off.

I can hear the rain falling, its droplets creating a soothing sound in the background— but yet I toss and turn.

My waffle textured blanket is snuggly wrapped around me, yet no feeling of slipping into dreamland.

That all left one thing to do- write. This is my last hope. And it’s not because I do not like writing or find it stimulating (believe me, I do!), but some evenings it helps lull me into a soothing sleep, which is what I need now.

I thought placing the car details down on some paper would help get them out of my head, not that I believe that is what is keeping me awake. I thought that any topic at all would be helpful as a missile being projected onto my wide awake gray matter a smashing it to smithereens… in a good way.

It probably doesn’t help that I haven’t followed my evening routines since I developed a cold earlier this week. I’ve sort of forgone it as nonsense because I don’t feel well. And I was confirmed to have some bacterial infection (Thank You, Neutropenia) and am on antibiotics. I wonder if my sleep being interrupted last night is causing this disruption. It likely it is. And I’m certain it’s making for the world’s dullest blog entry.

I actually want people to read this moving forward - so I may end here.

El Fin.

[fatedwithmbc]

Update to last nights’ post:

I wanted to thank all of my donors for contributing to my 5K through Unite For HER. The event was scheduled for today, however, they don’t plan for a rain date (it’s rain or shine), and I can’t chance getting sick. Thankfully, they have opted to give participants a virtual option which allows us to extend completion of the 5K by the end of the day Thursday. I will now be doing this option.

I feel super disappointed to not be participating today but need to do what’s best for my health. 3.1 miles in the rain unfortunately is not it.

I promise to post when I’ve completed my 5K so all donors know your contributions were not in vain. Thank you for believing in me and this organization. If you know me, I always set out to finish what I started.

🩷🩵💚

[fatedwithmbc]

It’s the night before the Unite for Her 5k. I’m “sleeping” at my best friends’ house because it’s close to the race location. The one dog, Dani, was so much calmer with me this time, which was helpful. I was a little nervous how the dog would react to me after our last encounter. The pup is sweet as pie with Elora, but protective and a rescue which is understandable. It just made me a little more nervous than I would have been around just her little old man, Reentu. He’s a cute pup. He even had on a little bow tie- so stinking cute!

Her mom was a total sweetheart and made us a pasta dinner, salad and even sugar cookies for dessert. She’s such a kind woman, and I was thankful of her to take the time to do that for those of us who stayed here this evening. After dinner, we played a meme game and watched Mike and Dave Need A Wedding Date. I think that’s what it was called. It was hilarious. Aubrey Plaza, Anna Kendrick, Zack Efron and the other guy, who’s also in Workaholics and a million other things were all in it. It was a raunchier version of Wedding Crashers, in my opinion. Not something I would have picked on my own, but I enjoyed it.

To my dismay, it’s supposed to rain all day tomorrow. I feel like what was supposed to be a celebration of my wins this past year is going to be a sad and sorry, soggy affair. Thank you, hurricane season and Hurricane Ophelia. Adam Joseph said inland should be spotty. Fingers crossed!

We were able to pick up shirts and bibs today, so that helped. I also got the extra hoodie I purchased. It’s definitely large on me and I was expecting it to be tight fitting. We stopped at Wawa too. Random insight: I was looking for a Candy Kittens alternative and I think that’s Twizzler’s, NOT Sour Patch Kids Strawberry despite Candy Kittens being Strawberry. Random insight over. I’m not used to having lost weight from when I was on my first line of treatment. But I’ve also regained some weight from being on Abilify since my 10 day hospitalization back in June.

I see my oncologist on Monday. I’ve got notions of traveling to Europe and I’m planning on asking him if I can even think of planning so far ahead in my condition. We’ll see what he says. I always said if I went back to Europe, I’d be going to Poland. Although, there was a trip to Italy that caught my sights as well; but that’s all putting the cart before the horse until I talk to the doctor. And obviously, I’d need travel insurance in case something happens/ed that would prevent me from going.

Back to my thoughts on tomorrow, I’m so appreciative of every donor who helped me reach my top number of $2,000 for fundraising. Additionally, I’m so appreciative of my best friends for braving the weather for me tomorrow to show support and solidarity of my situation. Not many people would do what they are. Why walk in the rain for 3.1 miles for nothing (other than me)?? I’m touched already and we haven’t even done it yet. I’m hoping since we’re more inland, the rain will be more sporadic and spotty and not a complete deluge as the shore is anticipated to get. I did think ahead a bit and ordered us ponchos, but I’m not sure of their quality and how dry they will actually keep us.

I need to sleep, but my mind is racing about tomorrow and I also have a hard time when I’m not at home. I’m still watching (more like listening) to On Patrol Live which is a comfort show. They say if you put on a comfort show it can help you fall asleep. Which I did for about 2 hours before I woke up very warm. I shed a layer and laid down again, but the thoughts keep churning.

I was able to talk my Mom-Mom through the process of getting to Apple TV so she could watch Friday Nighy Baseball (Phillies and Mets). I’m glad she didn’t have to miss the game because I wasn’t around. The Phillies won, thankfully. And the magic number is now 4 for our playoff berth or wildcard spot for the playoff berth. The post season of baseball confuses me. I’m anxious and excited for MNF. The Eagles are playing.

I think I’ve gotten most everything I can off my mind, so I’ll wrap this up. I might even be feeling some effects of sleepiness!

El Fin.

[fatedwithmbc]

I feel like each time I have something important to do in the morning, I self sabotage my ability to sleep. Tomorrow I am walking a 5K for one of my friends. It’s significant to her because it’s for a cause related to her cancer battle. Despite being in remission she fought hard to get there and should get to celebrate the life she has managed tp carve out for herself after the fact.

I’m just a terrible sleeper… when I need to. If I didn’t need to be asleep right now, I would be already. It’s self sabotage of my sleep. The same thing happens with work. I even skipped some of my nightly routines to make extra time for these “not sleeping” shenanigans. Maybe that’s part of the problem.

In on evening, I would typically:

Color My Mood, after an overview of my day.

Complete the 5 Minute Journal

Set up my Essential Oils Diffuser (Fresh Cut Wood and Lavender this evening).

Pull a Tarot Card and read its meaning.

Pull a Color Card (Oracle Deck) and read its meaning.

Read The Daily Stoic

Do Wordle and Connections

Then I would half-ass make my bed and spray it with lavender, pick a television show, take my medications and poop out in 40ish minutes. IT IS NOT WORKING TONIGHT. Nothing is working. I even had a little snack.

The storm we’re experiencing should be helping with the thunder, sounds of the rain drops, the essence of its smell mixed with my diffuser. And the chill it’s brining, encouraging use of a blanket— of course one that is waffle textured. But I think I still have a lot on my mind from the past two weeks.

Last week, my iPad broke. The screen became unresponsive. The literal “genius” at the Apple Store wiped my device clean but never reordered my replacement. I then called Apple who ordered and express shipment of a new iPad. When I received that, it literally still had someone else’s information on it and had the same issue as my broken IPad. I went back to the Apple Store only to be told to send back the replacement and then start all over and for a 2nd express shipment for the original broken one. I finally got a working ipad but I had to manually download every single application, why?

Well, in between all of the above having happened, my Apple ID was hacked, my bank accounts, my Apple Card, basically anything on my iPhone was hacked as well. So, explaining this 600 times to get things fixed has been a gem. I am also no longer eligible for the Apple Card as they are tied to our Apple ID. Since my old one is compromised, they cannot issue me a new card. Despite having a new Apple ID.

I have always been an avid and vocal fan for Apple, but after the last two weeks and the level of customer service between them and GoldmanSachs, I can’t say I’m giving out any rave reviews right now. There was one person at the Genius Bar who attempted to go above and beyond for me, but got shot down by his managers, but kudos to this guy and his empathy and his willingness to admit Apple made mistakes they should have been fixing.

So, this was my saga — and it still continues. Subscriptions I had on Apple Card are popping up for renewal and I have to change payment methods. And I have fear of putting any electronic payment information on my iPhone at all at this point. But in the world we live in, it’s sort of a must. I’ve talked to my friends and trusted Mom-Mom about my issue, but clearly it’s still been ruminating in my brain. I think because tonight I finally got my iPad to work how I need and want it, I feel like the issue is concluded-FINALLY.

Additionally, I went back to work on Tuesday. I don’t know where I fit in anymore. They’ve functioned so long without me and things that we my projects have long since been passed on to others. I’m also struggling with working from home still. This lifestyle is NOT for people who must do so out of the same room that they sleep and relax. Maybe if my room were larger and I had more space to move around it would make some more sense for me. But pre-pandemic, this would not fly at all with corporate, so it amazes me that it’s STILL ok with corporate three years later. There’s rumbling of making everyone hybrid and I am championing that in the worst way. I would go now, I wish I could go now, I technically could, I suppose. But the problem with that is - is anyone else going? Will I be alone. Being alone at home is easier than being alone in the office. I know nothing will be perfect. I just wish I could have SOMETHING, just ANYTHING feel like it was going right.

Medically, I feel like we’re on a good path with my CDK46 inhibitor and my estrogen inhibitor. I am far less sick that I have been during the entire time I was on therapy number one. It does cause neutropenia, which increases my chances of infections, colds and just generally getting sick. So, I have to be very careful, which I’m not. I still function regularly. Run errands, go out with friends as I can, do 5K’s (walking, of course), and just try to live. I only get this life to live, so maybe that’s why I’m not as careful as I should be in terms of masking, handwashing, hand sanitizing, etc.

Well, I am still feeling wide awake, but running out of content to talk about. I may try to do some of my “routine” and see if that helps make me tired.

Thanks for being here and reading.

El Fin.

[fatedwithmbc]

Writing is the hardest part. Or Tom Petty said something along those lines to deal with challenging times. I know, I know, the quote is waiting, not writing… but creative freedom and all that jazz, right?

I’ve absolutely been on a rampage with Apple, but I won’t go into details on that. Just know that after a week, I’m still working things out, but finally have my iPad back and can write again. This is a “I didn’t disappear” post. So, that’s it, I’m alive. And according to to the reverse 8 of wands, I am burning myself out and need to also stop procrastinating. I am not sure how the two things can coexist, but they do. So tomorrow, I’ll be working on that.

Calling payroll, another call to apple and all working.

I just don’t know my life anymore.

I took my medications and am actually feeling quite tired and am making silly typo’s that I have to go back to correct. I think that’s enough to put a nail in it for today.

El Fin & Good Night.

[fatedwithmbc]

I learned that your brain naturally produces cortisol between 2am and 4am which contributes to people waking up doing those hours. Well, consider me one of those people. I don’t particularly feel stressed about anything, yet I’m wide awake.

My iPad saga continues but I think the replacement is being delivered tomorrow. So, that can’t be it. I felt a bit off today but rested most of the day. So again, that can’t be it. I could continue listing reason why it could be this or that, but honestly that wouldn’t make a difference.

My essential oil combination smells so good, I’m surprised it’s not keeping me to sleep (Rain and Lavender).

I’m not sure I even have anything to write about. I’m just staring at this blinking cursor waiting for some genius to come to me - but nothing’s coming.

I suppose this is a short one and I’ll try to go to sleep because words are blocked right now.

El Fin.

[fatedwithmbc]

The nights I need to go to sleep at a decent hour turn into the nights I’m up for all hours. I find it difficult to understand because I take the same medications each evening. Last night, my medications put me into a drowsy state quite easily and quickly after taking them. Tonight, I’m pleading for the same reaction without the side effect actually occurring. I’ve even set up and am diffusing lavender oil. Crazy how life works out like that sometimes. Even more confusing is that I didn’t take a nap today, so I should feel more prone to sleeping anyway.

This afternoon, I picked up my medication samples from the psychiatrist, followed by a trip to Starbucks. I confirmed a doctor appointment. I also rescheduled my hair appointment because my hair doesn’t seem like it needs maintenance yet and did my nightly routine (5 Minute Journal, Tarot One Card Pull, Color Oracle One Card Pull, The Daily Stoic and Color My Mood) because I knew I’d be going out to dinner. Then occupy my time and ensure I didn’t nap, I did several things this afternoon.

I tried placing my mug racks in the location I imagined they’d work and I was wrong. That section of my wall isn’t wide enough for six of the racks. I will have to settle for three in the initial spot and then place three in another location.

Once I was done fiddling around with the mugs, I decided to organize my t-shirts. I sorted them into a few categories: Eagles, Phillies, 76ers/Flyers and then bands and shirts from traveling. I still have a section of shirts in a laundry basket that I need to add to this, but I didn’t realize I missed them until I had finished the initial organization process. I learned I have about 40 t-shirts for the Eagles alone. Next highest is for the Phillies. In third, travel and random shirts followed by band t-shirts. I’ll dig into the final pile and do a reorganization of my dresser drawers to accommodate the changes tomorrow. I think this heightened my realization that I really do not need any more t-shirts (… or mugs).

I’m literally running out of physical space. If I have enough band and travel t-shirts, I may seek getting them made into a quilt. I need 42 for a queen sized quilt. My sports attire I live in and don’t think I can part with even to make a quilt which would preserve the items. And, I think it would fuel the purchase of more sports attire— which is no solution to the initial problem (lack of space).

The lack of space triggered a closet clean out project that I’ve been working on all summer. Currently, I’m down to needing to put hoodies into totes. But it’s going to be cold soon and I’m questioning the tote solution. I’ll figure it out.

I also have a lot of things for the church rummage sale, but that is in October. I’m driving my Mom-Mom nuts with piles of things here, a tote bag there— it’s just all in process and not finalized and I understand her frustration.

Basically, I need to keep working on getting my shit together emotionally, medicinally and physically. Haha

This evening, I did have a nice dinner with Dan & Betsy at Founding Farmers. I swear it’s my favorite restaurant. I could go there all of the time. They enjoyed it as well. We had an enjoyable time and I brought home some chocolates to share with Mom-Mom.

Mom-Mom and I chatted and then read “Good Enough” by Kate Bowler and Jessica Richie. We’ve been doing this practice together because I feel she has strong faith and I found that I would need to have conversations after certain chapters. Therefore, it became a practice with us and I enjoy that we’re doing it together. The best is that there isn’t pressure to do it daily and we do it at our own pace and have meaningful conversations after we each read the chapter. It’s something I’ll be glad we’ve done and accomplished in the future and I value the wisdom that I get from the conversations.

I’m finally starting to feel a bit more on the sleepy side. Maybe I just needed to get rid of these thoughts, no matter how mundane. Also, day two of cycle three of Ibrance: so far, so good.

Thank you all for your support and of course reading my work!

El Fin.

[fatedwithmbc]

Round Three of Ibrance starts tonight. The first two cycles weren’t terrible. I started with some mucositis at the end of the last cycle. I’m hoping it doesn’t continue into cycle three.

My iPad is definitely broken, which is annoying because I usually type my posts via my iPad and external keyboard. I have a Genius Bar appointment tomorrow and I’m thanking the lord that I got AppleCare on this item. I usually forgo it because I treat my items well. That was no different with my iPad, but something clearly is up and I’m like right at the one year mark. Also not in a position to pay too much for repairs. So, thank you salesman who talked me into it when I bought my iPad initially.

Today wasn’t overly busy. I did go to HomeGoods though. I needed a bigger basket for my meds to reside in. I also purchased a waffle textured blanket (allows for stimming behaviors and easily falling asleep), a table runner to use for my dresser and a Halloween bunting. I’m early on Halloween, but that’s ok. I stopped at O+F farm stand to pick up corn for dinner. My final stop was Starbucks and then I went home and napped. I get tired after doing too much activity. Thankfully, Mom-Mom didn’t feel like working on our piece of the garden so I was able to take a significant nap (which I needed).

After napping, I woke up in a sort of stupor, but worked my way out of it in order to grill chicken for dinner. Dinner was relaxing which isn’t always the case. Afterward, I went to Danny and Betsy’s to help Danny print some pictures from his Ireland trip. It was nice to see them and we’ll be going to dinner tomorrow. We’re going to Founding Farmers which is a favorite of mine. Hopefully, they like it as well.

I also have to give the brackets and hardware to Dan to get the right hardware for hanging my mug racks as I have 6 racks and many mugs that need a home. I’m thankful that he’ll be helping me hang these and ensure they won’t fall off; which I am sure would happen if I did it on my own.

Another chore for tomorrow is to pick up some medication samples from my psychiatrist but I might save that adventure for Tuesday. I just am not anticipating all of the driving for tomorrow. Driving just isn’t something that I love doing that much anymore. I really used to love driving- windows down, music up, warm weather… it was great during my commute. Maybe that’s what the change is, I don’t have a commute anymore. I just have short moments to appointments and errands. Maybe it’s just a phase.

And it’ll leave it at that… Thanks for your support and your reading!!

[fatedwithmbc]

Over the past twenty four hours, I've attempted to write this post in my head. When you're a writer, this is a bad idea, because whatever words make their way to the inevitable edit don't seem as great. However, I'm going to put that aside. Also, I can't believe that it has been almost a month since my last post. I only know that because tomorrow begins session/round three of Ibrance, Alas, what has been in my head and brought me here:

In 1999, my Mom-Mom was determined to see my sister and I confirmed. I'm an Episcopalian and making your confirmation is the Catholic equivalent of everything important. So, my soul was on the line and I couldn't disappoint her or damn my soul for eternity (despite my understanding that baptism would provide the forgiveness of my sins. I guess that needs renewal in your teen years). To help learn the fundamentals of the lessons I needed to understand to successfully accomplish Confirmation, I would go to youth group each Sunday either before or after church to get my extra dose of God. This particular year, one of the activities we, as a group, were signed up for the AIDS Walk in Philadelphia.

There wasn't much to do to as a participant except to fundraise a particular dollar amount to earn your t-shirt.

I remember standing in lines outside of the museum for registration and I must of met the fundraising requirement because I received a t-shirt and tiny me had an XS and was swimming in that. I remember waiting in line with others in youth group, hearing the key note speaker, but not really paying too much attention. Undoubtedly, due to my age and my greater excitement of standing with and then the possibility of spending the morning goofing off with my crush as we walked the course; he had the same idea, only with his crush (hence the term crush). Beyond that, I remember the walk, the t-shirt, the failed flirting attempt, and being slightly glad to have had a true reason for procrastinating my homework.

This was my first experience with a 5K. Lackluster. A requirement. Underwhelming.

Fast forward about 15 years and I was determined to run a 5K on my own just to say that I could. It was a 4th of July "Fun Run" the Red, White and Zoo at the Philadelphia Zoo. I spent the day wandering about the zoo looking at all of the animals especially the Hippopotamuses, or is it Hippopotami?? Any trip to the zoo for me will include the Hippo's (they are my undoubtedly favorite animal in case you didn't know). One year, I was gifted a behind the scenes experience to feed Cindy and Una and I am still convinced that nothing with top that experience (Thanks. Dad!). Overall, the "Fun Run" was terrible, the course was cut short due to rain and a flooding in particular zoo sections. So, my first 5K was only 2.5 miles. I felt like a failure but it was supposed to be for fun. So I shrugged my shoulders and vowed I'd do it "next" time. This began my several year foray into running. And my roommate avidly supported me. I’ll never forget my sign and balloon after my failed 5K which gave me more motivation to keep going.

Despite the imperfect race, I found the Bonnie J. Addario Lung Cancer Foundation 5K, which for several years I did hard work to fund raise (organizing Dine & Donate’s with local restaurants) and participate. As the years went on, my reason for races and the impact I wanted to make became stronger. Especially for this organizations that were close to my heart, like BJALCF, as they did much work for lung cancer patients, which most who know me, know me Pop-Pop succumbed to.

After needing physical therapy for sore and improperly strengthened IT Bands (and I went back to school), I hung up my running shoes.

Many may be asking why I’m giving my life’s history on 5K’s, but I have one coming up for me. For my disease. For my own program who has helped me. Unite for Her will be holding their 5K on September 23rd in West Chester. I have a group of friends to walk along with me and I feel overly supported in the best way. I have also pushed hard for my fundraising and have been so appreciative to everyone who has donated (there’s still time)! This 5K feels like the most important I’ve ever participated in because of my diagnosis and because it supports the organization that supports women in my condition. They offer a way for women to take some charge in their treatment path, offering eastern medicine practices like Reiki and Acupuncture. I want to help this foundation as much as they’ve helped me. I’ve recognized how important it is to me to do what I can to support the organization. So if my history of 5K’s helps, then I’m glad I rambled through them. Thanks for reading and as always the support!!

My fundraising link is still active:

https://runsignup.com/ashleysibley

[fatedwithmbc]

This evening begins my second round of Ibrance. I’m a bit nervous, but I tolerated it well last month. However, that’s how things went with Kisqali. I tolerated it well until I was vomiting all of the time, not eating as a result and sleeping ALL of the time. I haven’t experienced any of these side effects with Ibrance, yet, but I have become ULTRA vigilant for changes that I notice in my body that could be a result. The only constant between the two therapies is a constant aching in my joints and bones. But that’s from my estrogen inhibitor and there isn’t much that can be done about that.

Tomorrow is my last day of “freedom”. I return to work on Tuesday on a part-time basis. My feelings are conflicting. I am excited to have something useful for my brain to focus on and demonstrate that I am an intelligent human being, but also terrified I’m going to undo all of the mental health progress I have managed to accomplish during my leave of absence. I actually need to talk to my psychiatrist and ensure my antidepressant is at the right dosage. Prior to my hospital stay, I was at 20mg and right now, I’m at 5mg and titrating upward. I think it’s time to go to 10mg’s. The anti-psychotic is still making me feel like I have ADHD. I cannot stay focused for the LIFE of me. Again, another thing to work with my psychiatrist with.

I am thankful that on Tuesday, I will have my first day and then can get all of my feelings about it out right away with my therapist. I really am proud of myself for all of the work I have done and trying to break the stigma that comes along with mental health diagnosis’. I have two friends that I am very open about these things with and I love them dearly as they have taken similar avenues to better themselves and I am so proud of them. I am proud of anyone who openly seeks therapy or psychiatry and isn’t ashamed or hides from it. It takes a lot of bravery to openly tell or talk about these types of appointments which is silly. Especially since the pandemic. Many people struggled with their mental health — there is NO shame in getting the mental help required. It’s like fixing broken bones; a medical professional is needed. Sometimes, feelings need medical professionals as well.

Today I feel like I bordered on depression sleep and my body just being fatigued. I woke up around 9:30AM and I wasn’t quite ready to wake up or get my day started yet, so I returned to bed. I woke up at 1:30PM. That late hour is what scares me into thinking it was depression sleeping (I should also mention I was randomly awake for about 4 hours last night in the middle of the night - like 2AM to 6AM). However, I promptly got up and got dressed. I was determined to have some level of productivity today. I had my own list of things I wanted to get done, but Mom-Mom wanted corn for dinner. I gladly volunteered to take the drive up 73 to the farm stand we’ve been going to since the one in Dresher shut down a few years back. I was able to get corn, cucumbers, tomatoes and a red bird with a bell - it’s similar to a wind chime but shorter and just has the bell. On the way back down 73 I stopped at Starbucks and then went home. I made a salad for dinner and popped it into the fridge to get cold and helped to shuck the corn. I did a few things before I needed to start grilling the chicken. I worked on my daily list of things (Daily Stoic, Tarot Pull, Devotional, Color My Mood) and tried to get the Phillies game on my television.

I’m still trying to get NBCSportsNet to work in my room - which is proving to be difficult because I stream all of my TV upstairs. After connecting my DirectTV account, I’m still not able to get “live” sports on the NBC app. I upgraded my DirectTV app to include regional sports and MLB2 was playing the Phillies, but I got a blackout message from the TV provider. I tried all of the trouble-shoot options and none of the options worked. I think I am just out of luck with getting baseball in my room. Which is frustrating because sometimes, you just want to nap in bed while while the game is on. When I realized this was going to be a fruitless effort, it was already 5:00PM and time to head downstairs to grill the chicken for dinner.

I remembered to fold up and throw away the old grill cover which I should have done on Thursday night for trash night. However, the new grill cover is on the grill tonight. I also cleaned up the bird seed shells from the bird feeder, watered some plants, hung up my red bird from the farm stand and picked some random weeds off the deck steps. Just small things, but they add up and make a difference. Dinner preparation was done quickly and I was glad of that, I felt like I didn’t want to put too much effort into anything today despite being determined to feel productive.

After dinner, I soaked my toe - last week, I had an ingrown toenail removed. It’s been itchy (yes, I know this means it’s healing) and I keep stubbing it, because that’s how the universe works. I tried to go without a bandaid today and I think it was just too soon. So, lesson learned. I’ll keep bandaging it and soaking it until Dr. Shim indicates I can cease doing both when I seem him for my follow up appointment. But of course I soaked in lavender epsom salts. Everything I can get in lavender, will be in lavender. I love lavender. I can inhale the smell of lavender forever and never grow tired of it. I truly believe in all of it’s healing and calming properties. Even when I go to bed, I have my essential oil diffuser that I put lavender and cedar wood oil in. Cedar wood is supposed to be ground and calming as well as the lavender. If I could find a combination oil with both oils in it, I would get that instead of ordering them separately, but alas, I’m making it work with what I have.

Another key thing I have yet to mention is that I finally hit my $1500 goal for the Unite for Her 5k. I am beyond ecstatic for reaching the goal and becoming the top individual fundraiser. I am not sure if there is any recognition for that, but I am proud of myself none-the-less. I am still holding out hope that my pleas on social media for Jason Kelce to make a $1 donation will come to fruition. The poor man probably gets 100’s of these requests a day. But, he’s my favorite Eagle and I just think it would be super cool to say I got a donation for Jason Kelce. Speaking of the man, I FINALLY ordered his jersey. The authentic, stitched lettering, jersey. I’ve wanted it for years and I got it on sale. It was likely on sale because they are making way for the Kelly Green’s - which go on sale tomorrow. I’ll be content with my black jersey. Black is classic and never goes out of style. I’m glad I finally have a player that has had such a lengthy career with Philadelphia. My prior black jersey was LeSean McCoy who hasn’t played on the team in ages, but I still rocked his jersey. This is all leading up to the fact that football season is quickly approaching. Lee, Elora and I agreed to get tickets for a pre-season game. So, I will also be seeing the Eagles play this year. Even if I only see the starters for all of 3 plays, I will be happy. My biggest enjoyment comes from going to the stadium as well. Pro-Shop, here I come! Not that I need anything remotely related to the Eagles to add to my clothing collection. I should NOT be buying any new clothes.

On the clothes front, my green polo that was back-ordered from LL Bean is finally going to ship. It’s Kelly Green. Haha I still need to finish my closet project. I bought some space bags that I hope will give me more space to get hoodies and winter clothes in two large totes. I’m optimistic, but this is where I feel like I have ADHD in that I can’t for the life of me finish a set of tasks without being distracted by other tasks. I will be bringing this up with my psychiatrist. I know some women tend to be diagnosed with this around my age. But, I haven’t had these feelings until I was put on the Abilify. I pace, I do one activity for 10 minutes before I am bored or feel the need to switch tasks. It’s confusing for me to have these feelings. I also lack the ability to concentrate on reading. I have been trying to read Seneca. Which admittedly could be boring on its own, but I normally do not struggle to read a book. The book I have been paying the most attention to is my planner because I write in it and document different things from different days. It’s taking on a form of a journal in some ways, but there isn’t the same level of detail that is contained in this blog in the planner.

Speaking of details and writing, I really want to write and submit to Elephants and Tea - it’s a magazine (quarterly and online) for young adults with cancer. The only problem is none of the prompts are really “speaking” to me. But how amazing would it be to get published!? I know I have the talent to write, especially if I feel passionate about the topic. The current prompts are: “Rituals and Hobbies for Coping,” “Words Matter,” and “Rediscovering Yourself after Cancer”. Part of me thinks I could wriggle my way into producing a piece for the last prompt, but it’s due in 15 days and I don’t even know if I have the answer to rediscovery yet. I still take things one day at a time and hope for the best each day. As for the rituals and hobbies, I don’t really have any that are “cancer” related. Just things I do everyday, that I did well before my diagnosis. My evening routine didn’t change (my rituals); my hobbies didn’t change (I stopped a lot of my hobbies at first and am just starting to pick things up again). If anything, I could talk about the struggle of trying to maintain both of these items when facing a diagnosis initially, I wasn’t doing anything initially. The only change was the addition of my writing (this blog mainly) and that I fell off the wagon with “The Daily Stoic”, my Tarot Card Pull and other things. I’ve amped up my personal growth routine though, which now includes the aforementioned (The Daily Stoic, Tarot Pul) and I have added a Color my Mood book, which is a good look back at how my emotions changed through a month. The gratitude journal has become a big deal for me to reflect upon my day and guide me through the Color my Mood book. I’ve added a devotional. I’m not super religious, but I feel like I could encourage growth with my religion in adding this devotional despite it NOT being the Lenten season. Also, the devotional is written by a woman who has had cancer and I find it less daunting and intimidating. She is really good at making it apply to daily life and I don’t feel like I am reading the Bible. In addition to the devotional, I pre-plan for the next day in my daily planner. There are a few things I have omitted but can pick up whenever I want - a mantra book and a book of quotes per day by Hoda Kotb. I’m afraid of adding too much self-help and overwhelming myself to the point where I can’t keep up with the items I’ve decided to make part of my daily ritual. It’s all about balance, right?

I think this is a good stopping point. I’ve touched on a lot tonight and I’m not sure if the flow really made sense, but I just wrote as it came - not to be structured. That’s the beauty of a blog. It can be as informal or formal as I’d like it to be. It’s a good format. That being said, I’m done for this evening. Thanks for being here, thanks for reading and thank you for the support.

El Fin.

[fatedwithmbc]

The shelves keep falling. Is this a metaphor? Literally, the wire shelves on my wall keep falling. I know some toggle bolts will fix this problem. I just need to get them. Is THAT the metaphor? That I’ve fixed everything in my life that is an issue right now? I made the calls yesterday to report my return to work on 8/1/23. Am I ready? I don’t know. Does my mind need something to do? Yes. I am antsy. I can’t sit still. Half days to start. I’m really afraid that I’m going to undo all of the personal progress I’ve made over these months in a few short weeks at work. We’re heading into the busy season. I know things are about to get stressful. I also know, that the last time the stress fed my depression and also let my mind decide to determine how it would interpret my diagnosis. I went into this phase of letting the cancer be the reason for all of the bad things in my life. There have been some people coming out of the woodwork lately. I’ve rehashed the diagnosis at least three times in the last week and no one can understand how “this” happens. Guess what, it does and it did and I just have to live with it. So, here I am, living with it.

El Fin.

[fatedwithmbc]

A realization occurred to me as I began writing this entry — I start every entry with “I”. How does one stop this?

Tonight, I planned out an outfit for each day that I am in Colorado. I have doled out my medication for each day. I have my toiletries ready for their bag. My makeup bag is ready for the suitcase. I know what shoes I’m taking. I wrapped the gift for my hosts. Yet, I still feel like I am forgetting something. I think this is normal when you’re preparing to travel anywhere and won’t be home surrounded by everything that could be needed.

I am excited for the trip. I am nervous for the physical travel. I have an early flight on Wednesday, requiring a 5AM train ride to the airport. I’m NOT an early bird, so this shall be an interesting experience. I think, also, on the way home, I have to be at the airport around 2AM. Flight times are horrible lately, not to mention the constant mention on the news about delays and cancellations. I am crossing my fingers that this doesn’t have an impact on any of my travel.

Last time I flew, I took a carry on. I could probably get away with one again, but knowing my penchant for purchasing gifts/souvenirs for my friends and family, I decided to check a bag. I’ll have plenty of room for anything I should decide to purchase.

For giggles, I checked the status of my passport renewal and they’ve already cashed my check. They still have an estimated 10-13 week processing time though. It’ll be interesting to see if I receive it any faster than the estimated time-frame.

Tomorrow I see my oncologist. I have a extensive list of questions to ask since the switch of my medications from Kisqali to Ibrance. I also know (from TV) that if Ibrance doesn’t work out, there is another option called Verenzio. I was taken off my A.I. which I think I mentioned in a previous post. I am thankful though, because I haven’t had any back pain. I really liked my physical therapist, but I am not sure I agree with her assessment of my condition being due to poor posture and a potential bulging disc in my back. I am still experiencing the plantar fasciitis in my right foot, but it’s very intermittent and comes on with specific movements. I still feel like my health is everywhere, but I’m ready to get back to work.

I am hoping my oncologist will agree with sending me back to work, but on a part time basis for a stretch of time before I have to jump back into full-days. I think if I go from zero to one hundred right away, I’ll burn-out quickly. I want to do what is best for the long term.

Project “Clean My Closet and in the Process my Room” is at about 75% complete. I’m nervous to not complete this before I go back to work, but I don’t have a choice. I will just have to make sure I keep working on this goal, which is almost at the finish line. 90% of my clothes are washed and I just need to decide how to organize them. My idea is that overflow t-shirts that won’t fit in my dresser will go on the upper shelf of my closet. Shirts (sans hoodies and sweatshirts) will be hung on the first rod in my closet. Pants will be hung on the bottom rod of my closet. Hoodies, sweatshirts and anything deemed winter related will be placed in storage tubs in the basement (close to the washer and dryer for easy access). Bedding and towels will continue to be stored in the chest in my room and overflow will be in the basement totes (if needed). I like my plan. I just need to execute it. I feel as if I am good at coming up with plans, but don’t always execute them well. So, I need to focus when I get back from Colorado. I will only have one week left before (hopefully) returning to work.

This evening to relax, after organizing to pack, I set up my essential oils diffuser; lavender (no surprise there) and cedar wood. The lavender has many calming benefits, but the cedar wood is grounding and calming as well. I am glad I chose to mix in a little something extra with the lavender. The scents on top of my medications has put me in a very relaxed mood that should help me find sleep easily, especially if I read my next book for a little bit. Once I get the “droopy eyes” I know I’ll be ready to fall asleep. I just hope I don’t wake up like I have the last few evenings. And unfortunately, it’s been for significant chunks of time and not just ten minutes or so. I am feeling optimistic the combination of things above will help me out this evening.

That being said, I’m going to cut this post to everything above and set about to sleep.

Thanks for being here and supporting my writing.

El Fin.

[fatedwithmbc]

Back at it again. I didn’t do a lot today. I felt off. I still feel off. When do you feel “on” after feeling off?

I physically got into my closet today and came up with a bag of donations. I have empty hangars. This is peanuts though. I have tons of blue IKEA bags around my room and in the basement. Some have wonderfully washed and clean lavender smelling clothes. Some have clothes yet to be washed that require donation afterward.

I realized when I was in the beginning of my diagnosis, I stopped caring for myself. I stopped eating. I stopped doing chores. I stopped functioning. If I needed clean clothes, I bought them. And that’s why I’m in the predicament I am in now. As well the fact that I haven’t worn anything in my closet from prior to the pandemic and the transition to work from home. Since that timeframe, I’ve lost weight, so most of the clothes from pre-pandemic and pre-working from home don’t even fit me anymore. This goal has been my therapy “chore” or goal. Get to a place where I’m not swimming along in a sea of blue IKEA bags.

I always feel like I’m just shuffling things from one place to the next while I complete this task.

Dirty is in a bag, it gets run through the washer and dryer.

It turns from Dirty to Clean.

Clean gets folded and placed back in the bag.

If the Clean is lucky, they get a place in the dresser.

Otherwise, they take their place in the bag and wait for the closet clean out to continue.

I also have two totes to separate the “winter/fall” from the “summer/spring”. One could see how this just feels like a lot of shuffling after explaining my process. I, half the time, think it would be easiest to just throw everything from my closet into the donation pile. However, I’ve got sentimental attachments to my clothes. I can’t be the only one this happens to; but I feel like I attach sentiment to everything.

Sentiment is attached to anything worth a memory - wristbands, ticket stubs, receipts, random pieces of paper, a napkin with a restaurant name on it. Let’s see, there’s also calendars from previous years, planners from previous years — I think I have 10 years worth of mini-Marilyn Monroe calendars that I used to hang in my cubicle from my in-office days.

Don’t ask my why I’m the kid who decided everything had sentimental value. I mean, even my stuffed animals had feelings. Inanimate objects could feel “left out” or hurt if they didn’t get similar attention as my favorite items.

THIS, all of THIS is why I have a hard time letting go. Maybe this is where I’ve gotten this uneasy feeling from while I’ve been completing this therapy “chore”/goal. Thankfully, I’ve had accountability with my therapist. I give her an update each session to show my progress. And I’m nearing the end of this journey. I mostly only have “winter/fall” left to get through (enter totes).

Speaking of getting through things, I’m on day two of being off my A.I. (aromatase inhibitor). Seeing as this is the medication that eliminates any estrogen that my body is managing in to produce, and since the estrogen is feeding the protein that causes my cancer, I can’t imagine that I’d be allowed to be without an A.I.. I have a list of questions for my oncologist on Tuesday. I also have a TON of feelings regarding the fact that I’m coming up on ONE YEAR since my diagnosis. It feels surreal, scary and unbelievable all at once. What comes after the one year mark? Do I just keep floating along with the same treatment plan? Do I need another mammogram, more scans, more biopsies, more medication? It’s a lot of “What-If’s”.

However, “What-If” does no one good. I could sit here every night until I die speculating about when and how it would happen relating to my cancer only to find I might die for reasons that have nothing to do with my cancer. Scary, right?

I’m scared. I’m always scared. There hasn’t been a day without fear since September 17th, 2022. I think I just manage the fear better now. How do I know? Because I’ve been able to do the hard work, like cleaning out my closet and sorting through years and seasons’ worth of clothing. Who knew a pile of clothes could tell all of that about one person.

El Fin.

[fatedwithmbc]

Coloring books anyone? I just ordered some spiral ones from Amazon. Why? Insomnia induced shopping and my reward points meant they were “free”. The books I have are all too intricate and I just don’t have the patience to sit down with them anymore. I needed something more simple to occupy my attention span. Sounds backwards, doesn’t it?

I had a conversation with Mom-Mom today about how I can “feel” I am ready to go back to work. Despite having purged and cleaned a lot of things to make my days more productive while I’ve been on my medical leave, I just have this antsy feeling that I am not doing all that I can be. My brain is the opposite of fried and it’s starting to physically affect my body. Yet, I am hesitant.

My medications for immunotherapy have left me with a “delay” or a “brain fog”. Ever have a word on the tip of your tongue but can’t quite grasp it, or feel like the search for it takes an eternity? I have that feeling A LOT in everyday conversation, in watching Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. I know this probably sounds silly to some, but I used to be whip smart and rattle off answers. I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel like there is a cloud blocking what I want to say almost all of the time. The words and answers eventually come to me, minutes, sometimes hours later. It’s frustrating. My impatience doesn’t help.

Speaking of work, it was my 15 year anniversary with my organization today. Although, I feel like a year of it should be taken away due to all of the time I’ve taken off due to medical leave. Hard on myself? Absolutely. It also dawned on me that the team is likely ramping up for Medicare Annual Enrollment already and the dreaded “freeze” will likely be in effect when I return. The freeze is to prevent colleagues from leaving their current roles and requires them to remain on their current teams to support the activities needed for the Medicare Annual Enrollment Period. This means, that despite my plan, I will likely need to wait until next spring for a change in role. However, I am not even sure if a change in role is the right move for me at this time. I know I can’t be denied a role due to my health issues as that’s discrimination, but I know my current role inside and out and they have been with me since the beginning of my diagnosis. So, is this a good time for a change anyway?

Change is difficult for me. Even if it’s just a few days of sleeping in a different bed while being away. I need to start listing what to pack for my upcoming trip to Colorado. I researched trains earlier this evening to determine what time I need to be at the train station to catch the airport line train. I have to wrap the “Thank You” gift I have for my hosts. Unrelated, but I also need to go to the post office to mail a lavender gift set to my cousin and his wife (thank you, Mount Airy Lavender for the quick shipping and wonderfully made products!).

Random Thoughts:

- Day One off of my Arimidex, and my back pain has subsided. I am not convinced it was definitely the Arimidex yet. I could be experiencing a placebo effect or even a rare day where the pain isn’t part of my day. I think a few more days will tell the true tale. I would be grateful to give up physical therapy. I just wasn’t jiving wit the therapist, although she is a lovely person.

- John Kruk, what hat were you wearing during tonight’s Phillies broadcast? It appeared to have little Phanatics on it, but I cannot find the darned thing on any website. I bet it was specially made for him. I don’t think the Phanatic gets enough of his own clothing… Let’s fix this, Phillies. He’s only the greatest mascot ever (not just in baseball). Plus, you’d make bank selling his gear to women and children.

- Why does writing only come to me in the depths of the night?

- More progress has been made on my latest crocheting project, but my hyperhydrosis makes that difficult in the warmer months. Yarn + Heat = Sweat.

- I’m anxious to use my camera, but still waiting for an SD Card to be delivered by Amazon.

- I am half finished my “Thank You” cards for the donors of my fundraising for the Unite for Her Walk/Run this fall (9/23/23). With the help of my donors, I’ve raised $1300, and it’s not even August yet.

Alas, my eyes are getting heavy again. I will try to read a little more of the book I’ve been pushing through this week: “Heal. Grow. Love. Words to Help You Become” by Pierre Alex Jeanty.

Thanks for reading and supporting this little space of the internet.

El Fin.

[fatedwithmbc]

“One Day at a Time” is my Mom-Mom’s infamous saying. I have to admit, I never really understood why she stuck by that mantra so strongly. I’m beginning to understand. Today, I was supposed to be at the Academy of Music seeing Moulin Rouge. Instead, I was in the ER for a Kidney Stone. I couldn’t even plan ONE DAY in ADVANCE. I get it now.

Another hospital visit, another bracelet to add to the collection. I don’t know why I save these things. Evidence. Proof. Souvenir. Who knows?

I’m just frustrated with my life right now. I’ve said it a million times, but I want to go back to the me I was before, despite knowing that can NEVER happen.

At least it can’t take away my writing (even small posts like this one).