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For the handful of people who were following my WIP on AO3, it is not gone for good. I pulled it down because I wanted to rework it and ultimately make it a long one-shot rather than a chaptered story. I don't know for sure when it will be finished, but I intend to finish it hopefully in the coming months.

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Very late considering I posted a week or so ago, but my WIP is officially complete! Thank you so much to everyone who commented, kudosed, bookmarked, and asked to follow me on here as well! Hope you enjoyed and it was worth the time it took to complete. ❤️ I really, really had a wonderful time writing it.

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I am... super sorry to everyone who follows my fic! Some major life circumstances involving a loved one being hospitalized led to me having to put writing on hold. Since the two chapters are the conclusion before the epilogue, I did not want to write it when I wasn’t in the state of mind to make it to my satisfaction. It is well underway and should be coming soon.

Thanks again to those who have kudos’d, commented, subbed, and bookmarked! For a niche fandom/pairing it is so much more than I ever would’ve expected!

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Finally (FINALLY) got around to adding my lyrical chapter titles! As the fic wraps up I wanted to make sure the completed work has it in there. I deliberated much on whether I wanted to eventually add titles, but I think the flavor and ambiance it adds is really nice, plus it makes the tribute I am going for feel more interconnected.

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Short hiatus

Unfortunately, it looks like it might be a bit longer before I can continue my fic than I had planned on. My laptop failed on me a few weeks ago and it will most likely be a month or so before I can replace it. I am optimistic that I can get another update out by September or so... I don’t normally make author’s notes but for reference we are likely 1-2 chapters plus an epilogue from the end. 

After rereading a few fics lately from old fandoms that were abandoned a few chapters before the end, I want to say I will NOT be doing that!

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FFIX & Evangelion

I’ve long thought that Kuja’s arc in the narrative strongly resembled some elements from Evangelion... jokingly, I’ve referred to his snap after learning his fate as his Komm Susser Tod moment, but god damn, when I was watching some gameplay recently, I realized just how similar the conclusion to his story and the introduction of Necron is to End of Evangelion.

Here’s the conversation that Zidane has with Necron before the final battle:

Zidane "What the heck are you talking about?" "Why are you telling me all this?" "...Now, the theory is undeniable." "Kuja's action proves it. All things live to perish." "At last, life has uncovered this truth. Now, it is time to end this world." Zidane "Wh-What do you mean by that!?" "I exist for one purpose..." "To return everything back to the zero world, where there is no life and no crystal to give life." "In a world of nothing, fear does not exist. This is the world that all life desires."

This is a... very similar description of what Instrumentality is explained as. The “zero world” sounds a lot like the world of Instrumentality, a state of proto-existence where individual experience does not exist. It’s considered desirable to some groups like SEELE, who believe that the release from fear/insecurity is a form of evolution for man (and moreover, an escape from the fate of mortality). Necron even explicitly describes the world he will usher in as a place where fear does not exist.

What’s interesting about this is it pretty much plays directly to the interpretation I already had about Kuja’s motivations in attempting to destroy all life. It’s not a stretch to say he suffered as a severely emotionally underdeveloped character who put much of his time into trying to suppress his own self-hatred (much like Shinji, a young teen with childhood trauma and feelings of worthlessness), and once pushed to his breaking point, reaches the conclusion that not only would it be better for him to die, but also for all other life to die with him. And indeed Kuja was seeking his own death by the time he was going to destroy the crystal, he simply wanted to not be alone in doing so.

It’s some very interesting commentary on giving in to despair (after all, you fight Necron on the Hill of Despair). And Zidane, being Kuja’s counterpoint, confronts his own moment of despair before being joined by his friends for the “You Are Not Alone” moment. The fact that his friends were what saved him from this illustrates the importance of being with others in order to avoid falling into despair, a necessary part of the human experience that is enhanced by loneliness and lack of meaning. I think that is why it’s always irked me when people have taken Kuja’s desire to end all life as being purely out of spite, when I think it is actually an insight into the insurmountable despair that he likely felt. Being “not alone” is given attention in Zidane’s narrative, so I think it is likely that Kuja’s desire to not die alone was not merely a result of spite, but also of existential loneliness and fear.

Anyway, I could probably write a lot more on this topic, but I find it very very interesting that not only does Evangelion and FFIX share themes of despair, loneliness, and flaws borne out of self-hatred, but also that specific bit of lore with Necron and his zero world.

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I noticed this a while ago, but kept forgetting to share. Kuja’s armor in DFFOO:

Is just a straight up snake, lol. Given my previously posted analysis of why I think he was directly inspired by the angel Lucifer, a point I brought up mostly since I’ve never seen anyone talk about how deep the parallels run, I think it’s cool that they included this as what I suspect is a bit of a reference.

Egoist’s Armlet itself exists in FFIX but tmk I do not think it has an ingame model, so they specifically chose to represent it as such here. Of course, you can say that snakes are more generally representative of dishonest people, but that archetype still comes from the story of the snake in Eden.

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For those following my fic, I have an update coming within the next week or two. Possibly sooner if I am able to commit time to it. I’m sorry again to my readers for the long wait between chapters this time, but there was illness and a loss in my family recently and I will admit the topic of a terminal condition was not something I wanted to write or think about for a while. I have returned to it though and am happy to say my next chapter will be out soon, and that we are fairly close to a conclusion now.

Thanks again for reading and to those who followed me here for my story!

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Facts are simple and facts are straight Facts aren't lazy and facts aren't lame Facts don't come with points of view Facts don't do what I want them to Facts just twist the truth around Facts are living turned inside out Facts are getting the best of them Facts are nothing on the face of men

Talking Heads - Crosseyed And Painless from the 1984 soundtrack to Stop Making Sense.

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Random musings about Talking Heads & Kuja

Been getting back to writing again and felt like it would be kind of fun to write down my thoughts on the artist and album that inspired some of my thematic ideas for my fic. Though realistically this is more of a general character analysis re Kuja than anything specific to my writing, lol.

Analysis below the cut!

Part of why I was inspired to write is, well, Kuja is one of my favorite characters in fiction and I feel that a lot of his most important themes and characterization go almost completely unexamined. Specifically, I notice fandom tends to focus on his characterization prior to his big change in trajectory. That trajectory results in his constructed persona being pretty much completely destroyed, and in the wake of that, I see his post-arc persona being much more muted and lacking in a solid foundation of identity. No longer the excessively theatrical, outgoing identity that he created in order to convince himself that he was unique and important (neither of which his origin would lead him to actually believe).

And that’s exactly why I relate Talking Heads, and more specifically Remain in Light to him as a character. It’s an album with the central theme of identity conflict, at times in a very abstract way, that I feel fits him as a character so entirely well. The actual style of music has either a chaotic, rapid “racing thoughts” tempo to it, or a subdued sound that nonetheless has feeling of looming dread to it. Sometimes they feel rather casual, but in a superficial way. But the theme is pretty consistent across the track list. Even the title “Remain in Light” and the album cover is meant to convey that something is being obscured and is attempting to come into visibility.

The narrative voice as performed by David Byrne is also extremely fitting. He’s good at conveying a personality that is eccentric and at times seemingly detached from the human experience. He makes quirky, coy observations and tends to muse on the state of humanity or others in ways that almost seem as if he excludes himself from that lot. You could call it somewhat dissociative, while still portraying a lucid train of thought; there’s often a difference in the degree of intelligence the narrator shows in his observations, and his ability to understand the emotions that they yield.

Of the songs on Remain in Light, I believe the ones that most relate to the identity disturbance theme are “Once in a Lifetime”, “Seen and Not Seen”, and the big one for me, “Crosseyed & Painless”. I give a shoutout to “The Great Curve” because it kind of informed the romance dynamic, which, while not supposed to be foremost to the character study, represent something Kuja as a character has almost no interaction with in his canon context (outside of Dissidia anyway) - a tangible connection with another person. That track really complements the theme of delusion that the album insinuates, as it’s a sort of fanciful love song describing an idealized, lofty portayal of a woman. It’s abstract and nonspecific, barely a love song in the conventional sense, but I like the idea that someone who is themself conflicted or deluded about their own identity would struggle to see others as they really are.

Anyway, “Once in a Lifetime” is probably one of the best known TH songs. It’s an almost comedic take on an existential crisis, the narrator reflecting on his uncertainty of the nature of reality to the point of questioning the basic objects he interacts with in his day-to-day (like his wife and his car). “Seen and Not Seen” is a much more obscure track that is an extended metaphor. The narration describes a man who is able to change his physical appearance at will, trying to make it match that of idealized others (like celebrities) or changing it to better suit his perception of himself. It’s a representation of how people shape their personalities and identities, and how they can err in doing so.

But really, I’d say “Crosseyed & Painless” is the song that really, to me, is Kuja’s character arc in a nutshell. I really love the live version from Stop Making Sense specifically for the extended and stylized intro. It starts with a really calm and casual instrumental and guitar line, which gradually (and disconcertingly) transitions into a really fast tempo and guitar which reminds me way too much of “Dark Messenger”. It’s pretty clearly a musical depiction of a descent into insanity as something rather incremental, but ultimately landing with force. It’s definitely something that has to be heard to be understood.

Lyrically, the narrator describes a feeling of identity confusion. Due to an unspecified cause, he feels like he is caught between an assumed identity and a true identity, pretty well explained in the first verse (Lost my shape, trying to act casual). It’s a cause of great distress as evidenced by the third line, “I might end up in the hospital”. And beyond that, the phrase “I feel like an accident” indicates something has occurred that is inevitable.

After the narrator explains his own predicament, to me it seems he turned his skepticism to the reality of everything else rather than admit that the delusion and conflict is within himself. It’s rather clever. He speaks at length about facts, as in the second verse: (I'm ready to leave, I push the fact in front of me/Facts lost, facts are never what they seem to be). Facts are something unavoidable and true by definition, but he focuses his attention on both lamenting their immovability and still trying to rationalize that he can alter them. There’s also talk of doubt, which I expect is related to the aforementioned conflict with facts - despite the denial of them, doubt always voices itself. The chorus in its various versions reaffirm this with the statement “the feeling returns whenever we close our eyes”.

The prominent refrain, however, is the “I’m still waiting” repetition. An annotation on the song on Genius.com sums up the meaning behind it very well:

“What I love about this refrain is that it seems to reconfirm a desire for facts or some kind of master signifier that will give order and meaning to the world, despite the song’s overall critique of facts. The repetition of “still waiting” ties in nicely with the line in the bridge that “Facts cut a hole in us.” This reminds me of what Jacques Lacan calls objet petit a – the object-cause of desire that our desires forever circle around without obtaining.”

If you care to give any of these songs a listen, I’d recommend the album version for all but “Crosseyed & Painless” which has a significantly better version in my opinion on the live album. There used to be an incredibly amazing downmix of the whole album on Youtube but it has since vanished, very unfortunately.

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Brief hiatus

I figured I should make a note on my blog here for anyone following my fic. I had some major events happen in my life toward the end of this year and it’s put me in a position where I will probably be away from my writing for a bit. I do intend to finish my story, it’s not abandoned! Thanks again to those who have been following.

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Analysispost: The relationship between Kuja & Luciferian mythos

Hello to my followers! I’ve been mulling over this idea for a while and thought it might be of interest to my followers who follow me because of my work in progress.

As is evident in many Final Fantasy titles, various religious/folklore mythologies form the basis for storylines, characters, themes, locations, and other details. You have VII which draws from Jewish mysticism and Norse mythology, as does XIII for the latter, and elements of Buddhist thought in regards to pain/suffering and the nature of existence across multiple titles such as X and IX.

So, being that I’ve been writing Kuja for a while with my WIP…it occurred to me that there’s a severely underdiscussed/underexamined part of his character’s basis. That being, is he at least partially inspired by the biblical lore of Lucifer?

I think many of the elements of this argument are imminently clear. A brief look into the topic will present you with a lot of differing opinions on the actual nature of Satan within Judeo-Christian mythology, and to understand the analysis that follows, I will clarify that mythology concerning the character of Lucifer is dually referenced as both a king (of Babylon, and of Tyre in separate instances) and the typological angel cast from heaven by God.

Without requiring any kind of implied conclusions at all, the concept of angels is already presented in IX as a feature of the two (technically, three) souled genomes intended to subdue Gaia. Their creator designates them as angels of death, and like the mythological representation of angels, they are sent as representatives of another world to perform a task or communicate a message. Although all three of Zidane, Mikoto, and Kuja ultimately bear this title, the only one of the three who maintains a relationship with it throughout the story would be Kuja by virtue of his actions.

Interestingly, the Desert Palace also heavily contains what I would say looks to be European-style depictions of angels:

Note the presence of what appears to be demons here as well, which reinforces my belief of which mythos these statues are evocative of.

Beyond just the superficial use of the word angel, there are some pretty compelling similarities between Kuja’s backstory and the mythos of Satan. For context, let me clarify that there is some ambiguity in how the character of Satan/Lucifer is presented in various biblical contexts. One of the places this is found is with regards to the king of Tyre:

“Many scholars believe that though there was a human “ruler” of Tyre, the real “king” of Tyre was Satan, for it was he who was ultimately at work in this anti-God city and it was he who worked through the human ruler of the city.

Some have suggested that these verses may actually be dealing with a human king of Tyre who was empowered by Satan. Perhaps the historic king of Tyre was a tool of Satan, possibly even indwelt by him. In describing this king, Ezekiel also gives us glimpses of the superhuman creature, Satan, who was using, if not indwelling, him.”[1]

With regards to Kuja’s role in the story, I find it interesting that this pertains both to Satan manipulating a king into impure actions, and also because Satan could also be said to be acting as the king himself via some form of corruption or possession – interesting given Kuja’s alias of King.

Furthermore, this king is said to be: “…portrayed as having a different nature from man (he is a cherub, verse 14); he had a different position from man (he was blameless and sinless, verse 15); he was in a different realm from man (the holy mount of God, verses 13,14); he received a different judgment from man (he was cast out of the mountain of God and thrown to the earth, verse 16); and the superlatives used to describe him don’t seem to fit that of a normal human being (“full of wisdom,” “perfect in beauty,” and having “the seal of perfection,” verse 12 NASB).[1]

Do these descriptions not also seem appropriate? We are talking about a being that is fundamentally inhuman in nature, of a greater degree of intelligence/beauty than humans, was from a realm different than man, and was cast out of this realm for rebellion.

Additionally, we have the presence of jealousy as an impetus behind betrayal of God:

“Satan was once an honored angel in heaven, next to Christ. . . . But when God said to His Son, "Let us make man in our image," Satan was jealous of Jesus. He wished to be consulted concerning the formation of man, and because he was not, he was filled with envy, jealousy, and hatred. He desired to receive the highest honors in heaven next to God.”[2]

Again, I find this uncanny given the fact that Kuja’s open rebellion against Garland and his goals was ultimately brought to a head by the creation of Zidane.

Another interesting tidbit I noticed was these stained glass depictions in the Desert Palace library:

The image on the left appears to be the only humanoid depiction in the palace that has demonlike wings, whereas the other creatures appear as angels, regular humans, or gargoylesque demons. I would posit this is meant to allude to the fall of Lucifer, particularly this illustration done for Paradise Lost by Gustave Doré:

You can see here the imagery of stars. That would be because Lucifer can be interpreted as lightbringer or morning star. The latter is worth noting given that by the end of IX, Kuja’s primary moveset is pretty clearly alluding to stars and cosmic events.

(I’m less sure what the image on the right is meant to refer to. It looks like it could be an angel conferring with a figure that may be representative of God, but I’d be interested to know if anyone has a theory on that.)

Finally, the inclusion of dragons as Kuja's spirit animal of sorts also bears mentioning. Satan takes the form of a serpent in the earliest reaches of biblical lore, tempting humans with power (which sure sounds familiar), and is often referred to as a dragon. In fact, in Revelation, he takes the form of a large red dragon.

Anyway, just my stream of thoughts on the topic. What do you think? I’ve never once seen it discussed or mentioned but I’d like to know if anyone else has noticed.

(Edit: Someone mentioned in reply to my original posting of this that the righthand mosaic may be alluding to the Annunciation, that is, the announcement by the angel Gabriel that the son of God would be born. I think this appropriately juxtaposes with the fall of Satan pictured to the left - Kuja was basically cast from his creator’s favor with the arrival of Zidane, who in a similar way to Jesus was to be his creator’s chosen one to fulfill an important destiny on Earth).

My post was getting filtered out of tags for linking my citations, so I have to give them to you in text instead.

[1] How Did Lucifer Fall and Become Satan? Rod Rhodes. Christianity.com. 10/27/07. [2] When Did Satan’s Fall Occur? Ministry Magazine Archives. 01/59.

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And, after excessive waiting, we have an update.

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I have a possibly more unpopular opinion related to both of those tropes...over the years I have seen most people who write a post-reveal Zim just dicking around on Earth hanging around after he finds out his life is a lie. It just seems really unconvincing to me that he would stay on Earth - there’s not much for him to do there, and eventually Dib would grow up so he wouldn’t be able to continue being rivals with him even. Without his mission there is literally nothing keeping him on Earth except conceivably an exile, which never stopped him before and would hardly stop him then.

I think it’s a lot more likely, assuming amicability between Zim and Dib once Dib is an older teen/adult, that they would probably go do shit in space. It would fulfill what both of them are more interested in doing in life - Dib doesn’t fit in on Earth and unless he found some other interest besides the paranormal/parascience, he wouldn’t have much to do with his life either (or more specifically he would continue to live on the fringes/not get the acceptance he wants). And Zim would probably want to go find some other trouble to get up to. I don’t see them casually chilling around on a planet neither of them are much at home with. At minimum, Zim would leave.

17 for the ask meme :)

17. are there any tropes you wished were used less often?

Okay, so I’m going to make this in relation to Invader Zim fanfic tropes specifically. Which... can very easily just turn into my own unpopular opinions. (Look, if you’re a fic writer, and you write these tropes, I’m not hating on you. It’s just not my cup of tea. Do whatever you want and be proud of it.)

I always get annoyed with Zim fics that have Zim just “getting over” the fact that his mission is fake in, like, a day. Or coming to the conclusion one day and being like “yeah, I kinda figured.” Like... no. I get that some ficwriters don’t want to write about Zim’s initial struggles to adjust following a discovery like that, but to pretend that a struggle never existed in the first place... I don’t know. It just doesn’t sit well with me. Zim has such complete devotion to his mission. I have a hard time believing he would just get over it that quickly. It’s not in line with what his race conditions him to value, and it most certainly is not in line with his own personality. It feels lazy at best and ooc at worst. 

Err... this second one is definitely going to be an unpopular opinion, especially because I have friends who love this trope, and it’s a pretty popular trope overall. I don’t really like Zim just embracing earth clothing immediately, even after he finds out his mission is fake. Maybe, over time, but I honestly don’t think Zim would be super quick to embrace a culture that he was conditioned to believe is inferior. I mean, this trope can be done well, and I’ve seen it written well. But... I’ve also seen plenty of occurrences where it just falls totally flat for me.

So, overall, a lot of tropes I’m not too hip on in this fandom mostly have to do with pacing. I don’t really like Zim’s character arc being rushed in “Zim finds out his mission is fake” stories. It just doesn’t feel natural to me. It feels very ooc. 

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Just noting here that it might be a little bit before I get an update on my fic. Wanted to be full disclosure, and my apologies for the delay. When I started, I was hoping to get an update every 1-2 months, but certain circumstances these past few months have set me back a bit.

Thanks again for sticking with me and I promise there will be more as soon as possible. :)

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Watercolor painting

22"X30" sold

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the winners, and champions, cloud and aerith!