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febrianafika-blog · 5 years

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Things I learned on my 23 years

It’s been such a long time I didn’t post anything. I used to have a blog and be so productive but all the sudden the feelings to write just gone. I guess I pour out too much energy for my work report, proposal and college assignment instead of pouring all the ideas and feelings into a blog post. So here’s the thing, I just turn 23 this month! Shout out to all Aquarius fellas!! This birthday was amazing but I don’t wanna talk about it actually. Let’s talk about what it means to be 23 years old, some people would say

“C’mon you’re just 23! You are not even an adult yet” or

“Masih 23, masih muda belum makan asam garam kehidupan”

to be exact, what Indonesian people would say.

Well that could be true, it is terrifying not to be a teenager when people will no longer tolerate your stupidity again while in the same time not be in proper adults stages when people don’t take you seriously because you are too young for them. See what I am saying?

So I thought I wanna talk about what I’ve learned on my 23 years. Let’s get started!

I am supeeeer privilege

First, being born in a family that can afford decent food, no need to walk miles just to get a “decent” water it helps me alot. Yet I’m not a white dude who has a degree from world class university in western country, still I am a privilege to be exact, super privilege. I am a person with a lot of access to develop myself, I have much opportunity cause I have a degree and can speak proper English. Even tho, living in a ultra conservative society as a heterosexual female with liberated mind somehow be a challenge but compared to my LGBT+ fellas that face violence threat everyday again I am super privilege.

It’s okay to have Identity crisis

So I’ve been in the stages while I dont know my own self, like I changed a lot in couple of years lately that’s somehow freaks me out. Like do I really believe to what I belief? Do this is the right thing? Sometime I trapped in the situation when nothing is really wrong but nothing feels right either. At the end, I’ll just leave it like that cause not all things need an answer, right?

Everyone has their own pace

I was so angry with myself when I saw my highschool best friend went for a huge step in her college student life, be an exchange student aboard! While me, trapped in a midwifery dorm that bullied every single day from my seniors. I gave too much pressure to myself back then to be like others and that stressed me out. I am now enjoying my own pace, working and still pursuing my bachelor while the other people at my age are getting married or doing their master. I just don't care about what others do with their life, this life is not a competition so I’ll do my best for my own life.

Your feelings is valid

Have you ever feel so anxious or sad but your friends told you that you are just being dramatic? Well, gurrrl your feelings is valid! they are not the one that experience that so just listen to yourself.

You are beautiful as you are

So I am getting sick of all the miss conception of the beauty standard, that beautiful girl should have fair and white skin, not too fat and not too skinny either! F*ck all of them!

People change and that’s ok

Have you ever feel like your old friend changed and you feel like you dont know them anymore? That’s happen a lot right? It’s not always in a good way but at least it’s a sign that we are alive, cause we learn and we grow.

It’s okay to say no

Sometimes we are trying too hard to being nice to others and being too hard to yourself. Being a Yes man is not always bad, but prioritize yourself first is the most important thing.

You are not going be happy all the time

You are not going to be happy all the time. No one ever is. Sometimes you’re just going to sort of exist, and that’s okay.

Get out from your comfort zone

Sounds cliche but that’s true, get out from your comfort zone with a plan. Let yourself grow.

Take time to have a genuine honest conversation

Do you know what’s the best thing in life? when you finally can meet someone that you could talk for hours and never get bored, you could tell them things that you always afraid to tell and they would never judge. Did I find one? I guess I did.

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febrianafika-blog · 8 years

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Dear Mom,

It’s been a long time we don’t have deep conversation, I used to loved talk with you for hours from A to Z, from unimportant-gossip things to what I’m gonna do in the future but now it’s different. I avoid you, yeah I avoid to have a deep conversation with you, cause I know where this convo going to lead, maybe it’s because my unpopular decision or I’m just under your expectation. Just like any other daughters in the world, I don’t wanna be in this stage of our relations, I try to make it better, yeah I do, I really do but I just doesn’t work at least for now. We have our massive monsters called ego deep down inside, every time I tried to killed this monsters, it just getting bigger and bigger. The tension is getting higher every time we start to talk about what I wanna do in my life, about my decision to not wearing that scarf again. This is who I am, I’m not being a bad person just because I’m not obey your rule, we have different standard of “being good daughter” and that’s our biggest problem.

I’m so far from being “good daughter” through your eyes and I’m sorry for that. I still love you no matter what, I really do. We just need time to more understand each other, you have to understand that your little daughter has now grown up, hence I need to more compromise about your standard.

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