feelingdeath

[feelingdeath]

Recent Diagnosis

A little bit of a dump, from a dumpster. Recently (well in the past 6 months) I have been diagnosed with Hypothyroid and PCOS making life absolutely impossible.

I have gained so much weight and now i have to exercise almost every alternate day to ensure m not becoming a bloated chick. I though i would never feel like cutting myself again but here we are. I luckily haven't developed an ED yet, m hoping i do maybe it will make me lose weight faster. Aside from that and the stress and just everything combining 10 folds into my system- I need to take so many meds and they don't make me nauseous but i feel nauseous looking at what i have become

Being a broke college student is so hard- I just wanna be skinny and not go through exhilarating pain every month. I am trying but it doesn't seem to be working- hopefully someday I'll be happy?

[feelingdeath]

This is me on the nicer days.

Otherwise, and on most days, I feel like an aching 50s soul with only soup to eat and yarn to knit.

or maybe over wanting, over needing, over judging and then taking a step back and letting it consume me.

[feelingdeath]

They say it must be important that you have decided to come back, there must be a reason, an overstepping mission to accomplish... I say I am back aimlessly. Aimless enough to start pouring grief and agony back on to this wicked portal that I am so lucky still exists. Okay thank you bye <3

[feelingdeath]

i really meant it

Him

It's amazing how the world is so full of life and how you are in mine now. I am ebbing with feelings and this is so different than anything I have ever felt before.

Something changed yesterday, something inside of me. Something to do with the way I feel. I think I am in love. And yes I know I have said that before but that was my weaker side. The side that opened up and the side that felt too much and the side that formed attachments. This side was supposed to be the stone-cold wall I had built all around me to prevent getting hurt. To prevent having any feelings and emotions. It made me feel like I was strong by merely moving on.

But now my rock heart is in love. My fucking soul of granite actually feels for someone. I have never felt so nervous in my life before. It's so consuming. I love him differently than I loved him yesterday. I trust him? I feel so different. I would never tell morphi that noshu loves him, heh, I m scared you'll leave once you find out I can be hurt. I am at a loss for words.

I feel like that massive void I carried around with me since the beginning of time has now been filled. He made his home in me, he brought his blankets and his music and his scent and he snuggled inside that emptiness. For the first time in my life, I feel loved. I feel loved without condition, without prologues and epilogue, without the ifs and buts, without the constant uncertainty shudders, without the ghost of his past or heck the ghost of my past lurking on our heads, without the fear of breaking into a billion shards, without the feeling of being judged, without the million insecurities and trust issues that I seem to manifest in a vivid aura around me. You made my scars fade love, you make them look pretty, you make me feel so fucking loved.

Along with all the goodness and with all the glam of experiencing love comes pain (of course there's a pain). The urge to text him a million times to ask him if he still loves me. The urge to blockade everyone and everything that could possibly make him drift from me. The urge to give up everything and anything just for his happiness. The urge to never ever let him feel lonely even if that means spending all my time as long as I breathe for him, by him. The urge of thinking about every consequence of my actions that could affect our relationship. The urge to sob uncontrollably in his arms. The urge to break down right now, to break down, to break down and to break down.

He is asleep, I know he is sleeping, yet I feel skittish and panicky. What if he's avoiding me and is offline because he doesn't love me anymore? Since when have I become so terrified of lingering silences? I get how he feels now. Sheyu !! I get how you feel. When you told me you were scared I'll wake up tomorrow and fall out of love, I thought I was going wrong somewhere and I needed to make you feel loved better, but this is love meri jaan. I get it now, I see it. I feel so painfully petrified at the prospect of you plunging out of passion. I am scared that my overthinking and my doubting nature are going to leave you exhausted by the number of times I'll need reassurance that you love me and that you are mine. I'll learn to be better.

I think the tugging at my heart is also fueled by the fact that I do sometimes get really low, I end up saying things I don't mean, and I end up hurting everyone in my vicinity. The fact that the could-be-bpd splits of me could jeopardize us, disturbs me. I resort to the most subtle self-harm and isolation and self-depreciation to let it out of my system. But I know how bad that makes you feel. I have seen the terror in your eyes and in your voice when you ask me how bad it was this time, how badly I hurt myself. I never ever want to make you feel that way. I'll stop doing it for you. At least I'll try.

I love you. Saying "I love you" hits totally different now. I have said it 9 times since the morning, but you haven't seen it yet. We did stay up last night talking about our future till 2:30 AM and giggling about yellow walls. I love you. Fuck. You are my first love. [ⁱ ᵏⁿᵒʷ ᵃ ᵖᵃʳᵗ ᵒᶠ ᵐᵉ ˡᵒᵛᵉᵈ ᵈ ᵗᵒᵒ, ⁴ ʸᵉᵃʳˢ ⁴ ᵐᵒⁿᵗʰˢ ᵃᵍᵒ. ᵇᵘᵗ ʰᵃˡᶠ ᵒᶠ ᵐᵉ ᵈⁱᵉᵈ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᵈᵃʸ ʷʰᵉⁿ ʰᵉ ᵈⁱᵈⁿ'ᵗ ᶠᵉᵉˡ ⁱᵗ ᵇᵃᶜᵏ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ᵒᵗʰᵉʳ ʰᵃˡᶠ ᵒᶠ ᵐᵉ ᵈⁱᵉᵈ ¹ ʸᵉᵃʳ, ⁸ᵐᵒⁿᵗʰˢ ᵃᵍᵒ ʷʰᵉⁿ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵗʰⁱⁿᵍ ʰᵃᵖᵖᵉⁿᵉᵈ. ⁱ ᶜᵒᵘˡᵈⁿ'ᵗ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵐᵃᵏᵉˢ ᵃ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿ ʷʰᵒ ʰᵉ ⁱˢ, ᵇᵘᵗ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᵖᵒⁱⁿᵗ ᵒⁿ ᵐʸ ʷʰᵒˡᵉ ᵖᵃˢᵗ ˢⁱᵐᵖˡʸ ᵐᵃⁿⁱᶠᵉˢᵗᵉᵈ ⁱⁿᵗᵒ ᵃ ˢᵐᵃˡˡ ᶜᵒʳⁿᵉʳ ᵒᶠ ᵐʸ ᵇʳᵃⁱⁿ ⁱ ˡⁱᵏᵉ ᵗᵒ ᶜᵃˡˡ ˡᵒʷⁿᵒˢʰ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵗⁱᵐᵉ ⁱᵗ ᶜᵒᵐᵉˢ ᵘᵖ, ᵃⁿ ⁱʳʳᵉᵖᵃʳᵃᵇˡᵉ ᵘⁿʳᵉᶠᵘᵗᵉᵃᵇˡᵉ ᵖᵃⁱⁿ ᵗᵃᵏᵉˢ ᵒᵛᵉʳ ʷʰⁱᶜʰ ⁿᵘᵐᵇˢ ᵒⁿˡʸ ᵒⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵗᵒᵘᶜʰ]. It's alright if i am not yours, but fuck sheyu, you are nosh's first love. Love. the L-O-V-E kind. fuck. fuck.

Fuck I love you so much.

[feelingdeath]

(from drafts, August 1st, 2021)

(was gonna tell everyone how badly I wanted this and how much m gonna work for it but life happens.)

[feelingdeath]

(from my drafts january 7th 2022)

I am going to end up killing myself and i know it.

I keep doing things i don't like, because i have to do them...... Society has somehow made me think that the only way to prove my worth is to go through everything i am right now.

Society has weird ways of messing with mundane lives, interfering with their rituals, setting drunken expectations, meddling with the obviously broken tantrums of today's generation. It has the whole facade set up leading us to believe we are progressive and un-orthodox and on the path to righteousness.

You know what ? Fuck society. Its the people in our own homes that have binded us with chains and

(LMFAO shld haved kms that time fuck)

[feelingdeath]

(from my drafts January 22nd 2022)

I need escape.

When you hear of the word escape , you think of the wilderness, solidarity , the nonstop self care routines and the everlasting soft music maybe.

I need a different kind of escape. I need to be surrounded in a crowd of faceless, unjudging people.

[feelingdeath]

(from my drafts March 27th 2022) i feel weird , like i need a break.

[feelingdeath]

(from my drafts, May 28th 2022)

My past keeps coming back and haunting me. It constant

(this was the time when my now boyfriend told me about nid, a guy from my prev school, and i felt like i could never get away from my past life)

[feelingdeath]

ok fuck that the thing is i tried opening up like a hundred million times now and i know its not his fault but gosh does he have the worst timings and it feels like a kick to my stomach. i know he fucking qualified i was trying to effin vent he didn't have to bring that up in that moment but fuck its fucking stupid of me to actually think he gets it. like geez why do i even try- and on the other hand my mother keeps coming in and trying to make me "better" and fix her accidental daughter, i should let a truck ram into me.

[feelingdeath]

uhhhhhhhh i cut myself

soft cuts, nothing that deep but it was deep ish i hm.

what scares me if how good it feels fk fk i don't wanna go back to that stage again ahhhh.

ok ok ok ok i got this right. I'll get through this. i don't even know why i did it. m fine m fine i am.

i have to be.

my head hurts so much i genuinely wish i was dying sigh

[feelingdeath]

THIS.

like morphi 🫤

[feelingdeath]

in public or at home... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[feelingdeath]

🙂🫧💞

im like no worries & then feel so upset i get chest pains

[feelingdeath]

Fuck, we are so breaking up hm. I wish I had a redo. I'd probably kill myself before meeting him. Now I, well I can't. To have something so perfect and not be worth it. I don't think I have ever been this exhausted before.

lol, time to leave yeet. ps. I hope he doesn't end up hating me.

[feelingdeath]

=)

gaslighting myself into thinking i’m doing fine

[feelingdeath]

if he still looks pretty, he's mine

when i see a pretty boy i just need 2 know what he looks like w the shit beaten out of him