feelingsofhope - Tumblr blog

[feelingsofhope]

hmmm, some how...

don't you just love when you are all of a sudden the bad guy? yeah i fucking do...

[feelingsofhope]

the stress and a migraine...

why is it that stress makes a mans head want to freaking explode.

[feelingsofhope]

well shit...

what do you do when you only want to talk to someone? but you wanna respect boundaries and space. i feel so freaking stupid, i dont know how to be a single person anymore. i dont know how to socialize outwardly. i dont know how to feel not awkward. i wanna talk music, i wanna talk about anime. i just really wanna talk i guess. but my mind is really getting me here. something as harmless as just talking about hobbies and interests is punching me in the back of the head. well i guess i just figure shit out the old fashioned way by waiting and seeing what will happen in the mean time.

[feelingsofhope]

it finally happened...

well i knew this was going to happen, i knew it was leading up to this point. but that does not mean that the sting is gone... i am rather heart broken, im depressed, i am angry and confused. the thing about it is that it was a 100% mutual breakup... we did it for the both of our sanity, we dont want to hate each other for our sons sake. See with knowing this i should just be okay and ready to move along with my life. Yet, here i am moping all around and feeling sorry for myself. there are going to be things that i am going to miss about the relationship. the simple things like just cuddling on the couch, smoking a bowl with each other. just the littlest things are going to be missed. we are still going to be friends though, were going to do this for the sake of our son. he needs his parents to not be at each others throat.im not doing too well about this whole thing though... i dont know how to feel about this whole thing. i should feel this weight off of my back, i should feel a little bit of resolution about this. i no longer have to answer to any one anymore. im my own person again... yet i feel like i am incomplete... i feel like i am going to cry more often then not. i want to cry, but that doesnt seem like something i can do anymore. i feel like i lost that ability a while ago. 

this whole thing really hurts... 

[feelingsofhope]

so this is the pinnacle...

what do you do when you hit the top of the summit of your problems? i react in the sense of losing everything, i boke up with asura out of reaction. I dont know if things are mended in this area, but i do know that i am hurting. we have neem fighting so much as of late that it is becoming exhausting. I'm tired of fighting with her, i do love her with all of my heart but i am starting to feel like i am not able to to do this anymore. I cant feel like i am nothing anymore, my mental health is starting to fail. i am starting to feel this whole ptsd thing. i feel something every moment of my days. i hurt and i also dont. my heart feels heavy all day. I'm on the brink of freaking out all the time, i cannot  work, i cannot create and i cannot breathe 90% of the day. this anxiety has gotten too intense. i am afraid to sleep, i am afraid to start my day. i am overall just afraid...

[feelingsofhope]

I think this is it...

     never in my life have i been shit on so much in one night, i was called a deadbeat dad tonight. i dont do anything for my son, i admit that the financial Burdon i should be responsible for at least half, but the physical and the emotional part i have been giving my all on. she is not the only one who wakes up with him in the night, she is not the only one who puts him to sleep, shes not the only fucking one! I am trying my fucking best here! I'm new to this thing and all i seem to do is get shit on... I'm not the one who moved to Fort Collins, I'm not the one who put all this financial Burdon on you. i am literally not the one responsible... I'm literally one instance away from walking away and calling it quits for her. my mental health cannot handle this, i dont deserve to be shit on for trying. Oh! also my apologies aren't good enough! i was being genuinely sorry and trying to take my licking and and i was met with :I’m not accepting that apology” i cant win with her, i just cannot do this anymore....

[feelingsofhope]

I want something...

It is the strangest thing, i am wanting something in specific. im losing my love for making music. but i am regaining my need to play video games. i really wanna become a good streamer. or in a better sense a content creator. How do i do that though? i feel like i have no personality. well i do but i feel like i am a very abrasive. these are just the bantering of a man who is stuck inside of his boringness

[feelingsofhope]

it’s happening again...

my mind is once again trying to kill me and i cannot stop it. i dont know what to do about this anymore. 

[feelingsofhope]

well fuck?...

that was not supposed to happen like it did, i did not want to feel that feeling again. You would think that would not be an issue after about 12 years. it felt so .... right.... god damnit

[feelingsofhope]

i dont do shit...

well apparently it has been brought to my attention that i dont do shit for my son. financially i dont because 1 i was given the option to be a stay at home dad. 2 there is a fucking virus out there that is killing people and i dont wanna get sick cause then i would get my son sick. but because i was doing the stay at home dad thing i always get this stupid shit thrown at me. why not just call me a deadbeat dad while youre at it? thats what i know you wanna say, i know thats how you feel about it. my son means more to me then you do and i have a special bond with him that you dont, you never stay off your phone when you have him. you dont show much mental attachment with him unless youre breast feeding him. i have an emotional connection with my son. but you know i dont contribute anything to him do i... i put him to sleep. i take him to bed when he falls asleep. not once, but literally all the time... i am getting so sick and tired of this that i have litterally thought about hanging myself. still thinking about it. but then if i did that my son would be stuck with a mom who did everything and his dad never did a fucking thing. 

this whole thing is stupid, all because i thought cloth diapers were gross. fuck me for having an opinion right?

yeah fuck me, im the deadbeat dad of the year. where is my crown...

[feelingsofhope]

a lot of the same...

i am starting to feel like i am on repeat here lately. i post a little blurb about my depression as of late. then i come to a strange conclusion. well i am feeling a whole lot of things. i am depressed, i am suicidal, i am literally on edge. not to many nights ago i was talking to a therapist and i mentioned that i dont feel like i have any time to be me anymore. i dont get to make music, i dont get to play games with my friends anymore. and its literally becoming because of my son. he is so damn restless, he used to go to sleep at around 10. but now he doesnt go to sleep until 1... 

I dont have a life anymore, not only do i have this stress but i also have this stress of my girl gor laid off from her job yesterday. this fucking virus is making my days much harder then it needs to be.i just might end up hanging myself because of this stress that i have. everyday i wake up and thimk  in a hopeful way that maybe ill be able to do what makes me ... me.i dont think those days are anywhere near... 

[feelingsofhope]

running away from me?!

i swear i feel like my life is running away from me, like i have once again been left behind. i dont get to do anything at all anymore. i dont get to just game whenever i want to anymore. i dont get to make music when i want to anymore or hell do anything anymore at all. since we are on lockdown because of this stupid virus, i should be able to do a lot more then just sit here and rot away like i already feel like i am doing. it would just be nice to do things without interuption again. no distractions, no kids being loud anymore. maybe my son being  a little more quiet so i can do what i feel like once in a while. as my dipshit therapest said. “well welcome to post pardom depression” i swear that little phrase still haunts me. cause one i know it isnt that. its litterally my life isnt working no more. and has nothing to do with my son. he is the best thing in my life and the reason i am here today. so he doesnt make me depressed. 

im depressed cause i dont have the help i need. i am all alone in what i am doing here. everyone needs my constant attention and it is killing me in every sense

[feelingsofhope]

Buyers Remorse...

So this is not a form of buyers remorse. but the term of regret seems a lot more fitting. i fucked up, i shouldn’t have quit, i miss my people. i miss the glory i miss the feeling of being something amazing to someone whether it was someone at all of the idea. 

[feelingsofhope]

Always wrong...

Well i have come to the point where no matter what i do i am always wrong. me walking out on that show was apparently the worst thing i could’ve done. i still do not think i am wrong for doing it, but yet again i was wrong in doing so... my mind is so cruel to me that it was the only thing i was able to do at that point and time. 

I’m also wrong for thinking my friend betraying my trust was bad, like i said no matter what i do i will always be in the wrong. i guess me leaving like i did left a real sour ripple in the scene. apparently i was the one in the wrong 100%. i am not surprised honestly, i guess people were left feeling like i was the one who betrayed everyone. that night was such hell for me... but that will never matter cause i was wrong in the way i was feeling about the night. which isnt fair at all...

[feelingsofhope]

some sort of healing...

Yesterday i went to the suicide crisis center, I came out feeling worse then when i went in. the counceller seemed nice at first. but after i told her my issues she basicly brushed me off. so i feel like if someone that is trained in the field doesnt want to listen to me or help me then i must be fucked. i dont know what to do anymore as i am running out of options. i am in so much pain, i dont know what to do anymore. i feel so empty...

[feelingsofhope]

Its gone...

i have lost music, i hate it... it has hurt me too much... i do not want to make music anymore, i barely even want to dj. its all become so painful, my mind is in so much pain that thinking of doing anything i nearly break down and cry. i am so broken, i dont know what to do anymore. i feel so lost that no matter where i go mentally i can never find my way back.

[feelingsofhope]

fuck

well here is a nice little vent that i need to geyt out. 17 yeats lput into something to only once again be shown how little i really am in all of this. I keep making excuses for myself that seem to be justified in my mind but in reality they are not. how do i fix this? i have no fucking clue. maybe i should just leave it all around. cause it is cleatly toxic for my mind.