feely-touchy

[feely-touchy]

Harder than it ever has been

I woke up half-broken

Left pieces of myself on the bedspread

Shattered like a clay pot

If I had been a terracotta warrior I might've stood strong

But I have all the charm and fragility of a chia pet

With the velocity of a bowling ball being thrown down a deep, dark well

I've come up from hell twice already

What's once more with feeling?

Another morning sent reeling

Stumbling out the door into that noonish-morning air

As if it's really ever morning there

And not the third day in a row where I missed the medication that helps me sleep—

Bundled up and breathing deep

The fog that gathers around my mouth reminds me how little I talk these days

Compared to then

Not that I have less to say

I've just forgetten how to speak it now

After all the excitement has been beaten out

There's so little joy left in me

Now that the fear's been ballooning

All my jagged edges seem to prick

While only the painful lessons stick

Though maybe that's what's good about me now

I'm hurt like a scared animal

I'm good at licking wounds carefully

My optimism is blood-tinted

I walk with peace cradled like a newborn and a pocketful of band-aids

Because I don't want this world to be wounded

I wake up half-broken and put myself together as best I can

Get out of bed again

Recall a reason, any one, by my bedside

Try to bring a little light with me

[feely-touchy]

I can feel myself pushing out broken laughter

Trying to appease the beast

I look down at my shoes like I'm staving off the wrath of a 600lbs gorilla

But as I gaze at the turning earth below

I feel seasick

Worse than I've ever known

Though I'm aware if I go down now it's the end, metaphorically speaking

So I lean on anything I can

The rickety and damned

Among good company

They understand my weakness

Yet love me despite it

See through the holes in my constitution

Admire the way it lets the light shine in

And enjoy the sound of the wind mingling amongst the chimes

[feely-touchy]

Love and death

Shades of red

Spilled out as a heart attack

Love

Keeps our bodies moving

When all the world is freezing

My hands are warm in yours.

Stumbling down the winding street

Drunk on the asphalt balance beam

Now I'm down

Fallen flat

Soul tossed 'round in a laundromat

Because of love

I'm alive but I am shaken

It cleans your clock and then some

It makes you wish for answers

But it doesn't give none

Just turns your world upside down

Makes you dizzier than death

[feely-touchy]

Damnation,

Ain't nothing going right these days

The night itself caved in

A low hanging ceiling of stars

Duck down or die

This celestial cavern echoes darkly

A lonesome sound

I whisper that I don't want to live anymore

And the cosmos agree

Though if I could drown in that speckled sea

I fear nobody would remember me

How pitiful, to be so small

That nothing matters to me at all

Save my bleeding fears and tattered hopes

That I won't check into the hospital

[feely-touchy]

I want to be loved

Desperately, do I want to be loved

If not for who I am

Then for who I want to be

I want to be seen

With gentle eyes that sit soft upon my skin

I want to feel okay

I want to feel safe to let somebody in

Because soon, I'll become too calloused

My callow heart will break in two

And I will empty

Of all that has made me good

Then I will crumple

Into a ball of tightened fists and wound up shame

And only I will be to blame

For I could not call out

In ways that mattered

To anyone who'd care

After all, if there were reason

Love would certainly have been right there

But I am lonely

As I am lowly

As I am waiting for a sure sign to die

Though every day brings with it new reasons why

Selfishly, I hold on

Wanting to be loved while I'm barely still alive

[feely-touchy]

I was told there'd be a moment when the shame would leave my body

Like a great storm leaves behind a rainbow

How the sun would shine upon me

I'd be blessed across my peaks and valleys

But the hail had left indentions

Bruised black and blue where it didn't do its coldest cutting

With jagged edges striking

My own hand doing the guiding

Little meteors following my fingers

Not knowing what they're finding

But erasing the sensation

Of what was left inside me

Until all that I had was a burning feeling

Where the craters dug in deeply

Where my nails excavated skin

And I would tell you truly

If I could only let you in

But the sky's too busy falling

You have to cover your own head

Not waste time worrying if I'll make it out alive

[feely-touchy]

With fists like balls of lightning

You struck at shadows cast by devils

Horns twisting like brambles

Words snaking like rivers

How they soothed our throats after the drought.

What was that about?

It felt so real when we promised each other each other

Little lies taste so sweet

When they're not meant to be

But they're still fattening

And too many can make me sick.

Though do you remember your bb gun

How you shot at doves

I cried when you hit the one

Then you cried because I was mad at you

Not because of what you'd done

But the bird still died because of the dumb shit that you'd do

No matter how you apologized

Nothing would turn back time

To make me unsee the evil of a fool.

Now something in me is wounded and bleeding

I fear you'll kill it as some kind of mercy

As your father taught you to

When I want it nurtured back to health

Released into the wild

Free of folks like me and you

[feely-touchy]

Bewildered,

I became agitated and alone

Adversarial

Addicted to the fight's new cologne

There's something wrong with me

Where I don't want to sleep

But I don't want to wake up here

The dreams that come to get me

Strangle me with fear

And I can't outgrow the dark that festers in my home

That reaches towards me when I sit still

Touches everything I've known

I can't think straight with all the weight of the end of the world weighing down on me

I can't think about anything but the bottom of the sea

And how quickly I am sinking

How soon that I may drown

And all that I am doing is plummeting straight down

But I am thrashing violently and kicking with my feet

In hopes of blindly lucking into the answers that I need

[feely-touchy]

Tormented by the image of you laughing

As I wanted you to be

I am reminded how the spirit survives

Even when it is drowning

Aware now that my arms are both rivers

Horrible and mighty

Though they may seem like they can quench the forest

That is needing

As some days, we are all needing,

They can rise swiftly

Flooding the cities

Destroying everything

And who am I?

Am I the sky weeping

Or am I the ocean, receiving

I hurt myself as secretly as I can just to see

Dirty water

Red water

Bubbling up from the spot

I find no answers

I just bleed a lot

[feely-touchy]

I wish that you could meet me

Sincerely

That I could sweep up the broken glass

Put away my shin guards

Retire both our kids gloves

Give up a life of fighting

Sleep peacefully at last

Without fear that I won't be here in the morning

That I've outlived my welcome

How it'll be my fault when I must beg for a bus ticket

And all that happens to me for it

I am afraid

Of the way you don't want to change your way of thinking

How that can stop you from ever loving

How deeply it can hurt me

Enough to make me sick

Enough to make me hate living in my body

Yet after all,

I still love you and want your approval

Want acceptance and kindness in equal measures

Wish to be loved and somehow treasured

Despite everything about me

But my fear grows deeper and deeper with every passing day

[feely-touchy]

Angel with the rough hands

With furrowed brow and sweat stained back

Whose feathers are ruffled and dirty

That dug in the dirt barehanded to save the earthworms from the tiller

Yet never forsook the robins in his duties

The one whose halo sat upon a beat sunhat

And taught us songs while we worked under the midday sun

Angel who walks in well-worn sandals

But makes sure that our own children are clothed and comfortable

Giver, who feeds the families first before even thinking of taking Communion

Why did you not raise your flaming plowshare when they ziptied your wrists?

Kicked you to the ground and spat upon you?

Why did you not call upon brother Michael or even distant Azazel in such desperate times?

What compels you to be so steadfast?

Meager?

Lowly?

Is it simply your compassion?

Do you show us who you are or who we're meant to be?

[feely-touchy]

Kill the proselytizer in your mind

Who shouts affirmations of your inadequacies

Barks down your courage

Beats the book of your past transgressions

As if they are tenets of your personality

Hear not their heresy

Which has taken hold of your weaker heart

Purge it with any means necessary

Deny its existence

For you are your own

And with your power you can become different

Unbound from the bloodhound seeking your slipup

You can stand upright

Proudly

Even if you must crawl to the wall to steady yourself first

You will find your footing

Even if you cannot climb to the mountain top

Or seek the summit

The view you see will be wonderful

Irreplaceable

Peerless

But you must take the first step in silencing your own cruelty

For it doesn't serve you

It does not leave you room for the love that you deserve

That you have coming

[feely-touchy]

I have carved my heart up

Into thousands of tiny slivers

Maybe now I'll let the light through

Maybe now I can finally see you

But there's been no escaping from this jail of my own making

All the shadows cast are bars shuttered over windows

They rattle when I shake them

They show no signs of ever breaking

Yet I'll scrape my hands totally raw as my knuckles turn bright white

As I pry at cracks and glimmers

As if hope is still alive

Though I don't deserve your pity

I still want someone to save me

I am greedy and unfair

I want to be seen and to be wanted

I want somebody to care

Because the world is caving in

I've gambled my support

Turned the clock on all my friendships

Sent my better self to war

But if I survive, would you try to maybe understand me?

[feely-touchy]

Helpless as a pipsqueak fieldmouse

While a hungry hawk circles high above

I ran to you as if you were the last clear signs of cover

Quick as I could

As if you were the last vestiges of love

My heart is beating faster than ever

The closer that we are

There's disinterest glazing over in your distant eyes

But I can't help it with my electric captivation

Sometimes it's what keeps me alive

You may not care for the weight I bare

Or the dreams I have

Or the world we share

But you've lightened up damn near everything since you've come here

And it'll be a brighter place to be,

I think I'll see,

Long after the time when you've left me

Even the streetlights will weep in rainbows

[feely-touchy]

Devourer of my dignity

You who strips me bare in the winter

Leaves me in the frigid exposure

Watches as the wolves await me

I hear your laughter

Echoing the expanse

Having listened to your mockeries before

I honor them no more

For I have found a knife

And know where the great lone wolf sleeps

That even it,

With its giant body,

Has a tender throat

Leaves carcass enough to feast on

A warm pelt called gratitude

Even after everything

That had grown it

Unconquerable

[feely-touchy]

Tall grass tickling the backs of your calves

The song you're singing softly sounds like the best times I've ever had

I want to promise you that the good times will always last

But the grey skies come to pass,

As you know.

We put on bug spray and sunscreen before a hike

You walk real slow for me

We talk about all the things we like

Hours pass in what seems like record time

But we hardly even mind.

When I'm with you

I'm much more kind

The world is brighter

Lighter

Easier to unwind

It takes just one good friend to mend a broken heart sometimes

And you have mine

And I am lucky I have you

[feely-touchy]

I called you up from the roadside

Dry heaving through the phone

I didn't know what to say

But I just couldn't be alone

My thoughts were racing

The world seemed slow

All that I could come to think about

Was how badly I just wanted to go

and disappear into the darkness.

Close to midnight

You still heard that ringing tone

You answered with care and compassion in your voice

My heart sank lowly as if it were a stone

Knowing nobody loves me right now

How I'm better off dead and gone

That there's monsters all over the interstate

Trying to make sure I can't make it home

And I don't know which way I'm going

My compass always points me wrong

There's no safe place for me left

Nowhere I can lighten up my load

So I apologize for ruining your night a bit

Say I'll head off for the end of the winding road

But you say,

"No,

Just hold on

Keep trying to be strong

Let's just talk for a little longer until it all starts feeling calm

The monsters can't find you here while you're not all on your own

And I'm always with you when you need me."