feely-touchy

[feely-touchy]

I was told there'd be a moment when the shame would leave my body

Like a great storm leaves behind a rainbow

How the sun would shine upon me

I'd be blessed across my peaks and valleys

But the hail had left indentions

Bruised black and blue where it didn't do its coldest cutting

With jagged edges striking

My own hand doing the guiding

Little meteors following my fingers

Not knowing what they're finding

But erasing the sensation

Of what was left inside me

Until all that I had was a burning feeling

Where the craters dug in deeply

Where my nails excavated skin

And I would tell you truly

If I could only let you in

But the sky's too busy falling

You have to cover your own head

Not waste time worrying if I'll make it out alive

[feely-touchy]

With fists like balls of lightning

You struck at shadows cast by devils

Horns twisting like brambles

Words snaking like rivers

How they soothed our throats after the drought.

What was that about?

It felt so real when we promised each other each other

Little lies taste so sweet

When they're not meant to be

But they're still fattening

And too many can make me sick.

Though do you remember your bb gun

How you shot at doves

I cried when you hit the one

Then you cried because I was mad at you

Not because of what you'd done

But the bird still died because of the dumb shit that you'd do

No matter how you apologized

Nothing would turn back time

To make me unsee the evil of a fool.

Now something in me is wounded and bleeding

I fear you'll kill it as some kind of mercy

As your father taught you to

When I want it nurtured back to health

Released into the wild

Free of folks like me and you

[feely-touchy]

Bewildered,

I became agitated and alone

Adversarial

Addicted to the fight's new cologne

There's something wrong with me

Where I don't want to sleep

But I don't want to wake up here

The dreams that come to get me

Strangle me with fear

And I can't outgrow the dark that festers in my home

That reaches towards me when I sit still

Touches everything I've known

I can't think straight with all the weight of the end of the world weighing down on me

I can't think about anything but the bottom of the sea

And how quickly I am sinking

How soon that I may drown

And all that I am doing is plummeting straight down

But I am thrashing violently and kicking with my feet

In hopes of blindly lucking into the answers that I need

[feely-touchy]

Tormented by the image of you laughing

As I wanted you to be

I am reminded how the spirit survives

Even when it is drowning

Aware now that my arms are both rivers

Horrible and mighty

Though they may seem like they can quench the forest

That is needing

As some days, we are all needing,

They can rise swiftly

Flooding the cities

Destroying everything

And who am I?

Am I the sky weeping

Or am I the ocean, receiving

I hurt myself as secretly as I can just to see

Dirty water

Red water

Bubbling up from the spot

I find no answers

I just bleed a lot

[feely-touchy]

I wish that you could meet me

Sincerely

That I could sweep up the broken glass

Put away my shin guards

Retire both our kids gloves

Give up a life of fighting

Sleep peacefully at last

Without fear that I won't be here in the morning

That I've outlived my welcome

How it'll be my fault when I must beg for a bus ticket

And all that happens to me for it

I am afraid

Of the way you don't want to change your way of thinking

How that can stop you from ever loving

How deeply it can hurt me

Enough to make me sick

Enough to make me hate living in my body

Yet after all,

I still love you and want your approval

Want acceptance and kindness in equal measures

Wish to be loved and somehow treasured

Despite everything about me

But my fear grows deeper and deeper with every passing day

[feely-touchy]

Angel with the rough hands

With furrowed brow and sweat stained back

Whose feathers are ruffled and dirty

That dug in the dirt barehanded to save the earthworms from the tiller

Yet never forsook the robins in his duties

The one whose halo sat upon a beat sunhat

And taught us songs while we worked under the midday sun

Angel who walks in well-worn sandals

But makes sure that our own children are clothed and comfortable

Giver, who feeds the families first before even thinking of taking Communion

Why did you not raise your flaming plowshare when they ziptied your wrists?

Kicked you to the ground and spat upon you?

Why did you not call upon brother Michael or even distant Azazel in such desperate times?

What compels you to be so steadfast?

Meager?

Lowly?

Is it simply your compassion?

Do you show us who you are or who we're meant to be?

[feely-touchy]

Kill the proselytizer in your mind

Who shouts affirmations of your inadequacies

Barks down your courage

Beats the book of your past transgressions

As if they are tenets of your personality

Hear not their heresy

Which has taken hold of your weaker heart

Purge it with any means necessary

Deny its existence

For you are your own

And with your power you can become different

Unbound from the bloodhound seeking your slipup

You can stand upright

Proudly

Even if you must crawl to the wall to steady yourself first

You will find your footing

Even if you cannot climb to the mountain top

Or seek the summit

The view you see will be wonderful

Irreplaceable

Peerless

But you must take the first step in silencing your own cruelty

For it doesn't serve you

It does not leave you room for the love that you deserve

That you have coming

[feely-touchy]

I have carved my heart up

Into thousands of tiny slivers

Maybe now I'll let the light through

Maybe now I can finally see you

But there's been no escaping from this jail of my own making

All the shadows cast are bars shuttered over windows

They rattle when I shake them

They show no signs of ever breaking

Yet I'll scrape my hands totally raw as my knuckles turn bright white

As I pry at cracks and glimmers

As if hope is still alive

Though I don't deserve your pity

I still want someone to save me

I am greedy and unfair

I want to be seen and to be wanted

I want somebody to care

Because the world is caving in

I've gambled my support

Turned the clock on all my friendships

Sent my better self to war

But if I survive, would you try to maybe understand me?

[feely-touchy]

Helpless as a pipsqueak fieldmouse

While a hungry hawk circles high above

I ran to you as if you were the last clear signs of cover

Quick as I could

As if you were the last vestiges of love

My heart is beating faster than ever

The closer that we are

There's disinterest glazing over in your distant eyes

But I can't help it with my electric captivation

Sometimes it's what keeps me alive

You may not care for the weight I bare

Or the dreams I have

Or the world we share

But you've lightened up damn near everything since you've come here

And it'll be a brighter place to be,

I think I'll see,

Long after the time when you've left me

Even the streetlights will weep in rainbows

[feely-touchy]

Devourer of my dignity

You who strips me bare in the winter

Leaves me in the frigid exposure

Watches as the wolves await me

I hear your laughter

Echoing the expanse

Having listened to your mockeries before

I honor them no more

For I have found a knife

And know where the great lone wolf sleeps

That even it,

With its giant body,

Has a tender throat

Leaves carcass enough to feast on

A warm pelt called gratitude

Even after everything

That had grown it

Unconquerable

[feely-touchy]

Tall grass tickling the backs of your calves

The song you're singing softly sounds like the best times I've ever had

I want to promise you that the good times will always last

But the grey skies come to pass,

As you know.

We put on bug spray and sunscreen before a hike

You walk real slow for me

We talk about all the things we like

Hours pass in what seems like record time

But we hardly even mind.

When I'm with you

I'm much more kind

The world is brighter

Lighter

Easier to unwind

It takes just one good friend to mend a broken heart sometimes

And you have mine

And I am lucky I have you

[feely-touchy]

I called you up from the roadside

Dry heaving through the phone

I didn't know what to say

But I just couldn't be alone

My thoughts were racing

The world seemed slow

All that I could come to think about

Was how badly I just wanted to go

and disappear into the darkness.

Close to midnight

You still heard that ringing tone

You answered with care and compassion in your voice

My heart sank lowly as if it were a stone

Knowing nobody loves me right now

How I'm better off dead and gone

That there's monsters all over the interstate

Trying to make sure I can't make it home

And I don't know which way I'm going

My compass always points me wrong

There's no safe place for me left

Nowhere I can lighten up my load

So I apologize for ruining your night a bit

Say I'll head off for the end of the winding road

But you say,

"No,

Just hold on

Keep trying to be strong

Let's just talk for a little longer until it all starts feeling calm

The monsters can't find you here while you're not all on your own

And I'm always with you when you need me."

[feely-touchy]

My thoughts follow you when you're gone

At night, I can hardly keep carrying on

Into the depths of my own darkness

Ever present

Delving deeper into the shadows

A pain grasps my lungs in its hands

Fills each one with a million grains of sand

I always fall asleep as if I'm drowning

Thinking of how you're no longer here around me

I toss and turn,

Seeking your absent warmth

Waking cold to memories of your scorn

Pain is my one reminder

To a life I once lived much kinder

Still, in the bright of the day

I purge it all away

Putting on my bravest face

I seem much stronger

But someday my heart will come up with it all

And I won't keep standing tall any longer

[feely-touchy]

I learned the dark of your heart

All the deepest deeds that you want done

I scryed bones for your desires

Just so I could succumb to them one by one

Gave you the keys to my heart

Let you lock me out

But I forgave you fast

Now it's all in the past

Like everything else

Painful as that may be for me

I planted your favorite flowers

Knowing they'd die within the hour

Beneath the scorching sun

Though I had hoped you'd give them a glance

And perchance just smile for awhile

Still I know I'm unfit for any of it

I couldn't really make you happy

I couldn't really make me happy too

I don't know if I'll ever be happy again

Because I've learned the dark of my heart

The deepest deeds that I want done

And I am as ashamed as I am lonely

Bitter as I am tired

Broken as I am bored

And I've succumbed

Afraid that to know me is rejection

Loving me takes lies

Tolerating me takes too much wasted time

At my worst I am wounded

Bleeding guts and gore

Dirtying the corner and the floor

A scared animal too afraid to bite back anymore

And I'm afraid the good in me will leak out

Never to be seen ever again

[feely-touchy]

The rainstorm bombarded the concrete

I had just busted out of Hades in my Hyundai

I couldn't see six feet deep in front of me

Didn't bother with the rearview

As far as I was concerned my Eurydice was long dead and buried

The River Styx overflowed onto the highway

Yet I dare not ford the shallows

They deceive only the brash and brazen heroes

And I am not like them

I nearly drowned when I was dipped by my heel

To gain my protections

Gasping for air at the thought

I've since learned my lesson

Parked on the interstate

Amidst a sea of hazard lights

Like torches marching off to war

Trailing off into the distance

Until you can't see any signs of life left anywhere anymore

Then I think maybe, I should have gone back and done things different

In another life, in another world, maybe you'd still be my reason for living

[feely-touchy]

I pinned my arms to my chest

As if they were a dead owl butterfly

Hoping my sleeves would cover me fully

Hide me from any passerbys

But I was always a spectacle

Too big to escape the naked eye

I would be seen

I would be heard

I would be misconstrued

No matter what I'd do

There would always be something making me different

Something manipulating my shape

I'd always come to resent it

The thing about me people would hate

Foreign and strange

I just want to blend into the background

Disappear along with the scenery

Become someone largely unnoticed

If I can't be loved

Let me be invisible

[feely-touchy]

Sent spiraling out of control

I'm caught by cobwebs

Left gathering on my soul

The dust is dirtying up all of my love

I'm sorry but I'm out of luck

The pills don't really help me much

They just keep the worst thoughts out of touch

High up on the top shelf

Until the earthquake comes and shakes them up

And then I'm right back on my knees again

Begging for the badness back

Reaching into every crack

For wherever my worst self might've rolled

Once more

I'm digging myself a deep, dark, empty hole

And I plan to dive into it headfirst

Find out if there's a bottom made of concrete

Or water I could drown in

Or if I'm meant to come out on the other side

Unscathed after all

I don't know what's so tempting about the fall