felicialous

[felicialous]

[felicialous]

I don't think that I can do it. I think that's probably it now. I've proved everything and backed up what I have to say and what was done to me. She can just stop acting like she's entirely innocent in this now to her friends and all that know her, especially the community we met on and that's the main thing. Holding her accountable when she wouldn't.

I think that is probably it. I really, really don't think she deserves an apology at all. To do one at all would just be a means to an end to finally be free of this pain so I can move on. I don't think the one who did all the following deserves it:

1: Broke my mind hard enough to be so enwrapped on how she made me feel, I missed out on the final months of my cat's life

2: Ignored when said cat died when I was there for her pet, dumping me in the same month I helped her with grieving her dog because I wouldn't pay that £700, but then still trying to arrange the visit anyway when she "came out" as lesbian again, expecting a proposal and to be eachother's first time (Dodged a bullet there)

3: Confessed to her current partner weeks prior (as confirmed from her radio show) but having the gall to have me talk her down from harming herself and blaming me, all the while acting like there'd be a future for us and it wasn't a means to monkey branch (I was actually really hoping there wasn't tbh I'd hate keeping that promise to have to marry the biggest mistake of my life) You were practically becoming the Beldam from Coraline in that situation. That's what's "I never thought you'd stoop so low" on my side of things. It was disgusting how you tried to switch my concern to keep you safe about that around on me.

4: Laughed her ass off goading me with her relationship at me actually wanting to hurt myself because this has gone on for like a year and a half with no reprecussions. Only laughing her ass off getting involved with others she sees me interact with, ridiculing me for what I have to say, but never at all claiming responsibility for pissing around with identity, trying to forcefully change a person.

5: You know what this one is. I really hope for your sake it isn't true, but regardless you couldn't resist controlling me with it all these years, when it had no bearing, and nearly every adult irl including a police officer themselves I spoke to in person has proven no one cares or gives a shit about it outside the internet. Conveniently all the ones I know to have consumed that as well follow the concerning pattern I've noticed, and later do what they accuse people of being at risk of.

This is my truth. Take it or leave it. That's really all I have to say. What I do next is my decision and my decision alone no matter what people tell me is the best thing to do. My rules, my experience, my decision, my life. I just hope there'll be a day on this earth people wake up to either her, or all of what I've been trying to say all along. You deserve all you get. I'm never coming to save you again. Goodbye.

[felicialous]

"It's easier to buy a flight than it is to say goodbye And to go on letting them think of me as the bad guy I can't cry, 'cause it's all my fault"

[felicialous]

Completely ignores my call/voicemail about my own cat dying on the 9th May (presumably?) for saying mean things about her on Twitter, even though I was there for her dog passing January-- the month she broke with a few weeks later and came out as lesbian around 28th Jan for the 4th/5th time because I wouldn't drop £700 on an America visit so soon after the Christmas 2023 one, while as previous screenshots show-- tried to arrange another one with me anyway after coming out, only to back out on it because she didn't want to dissapoint her friends who she had to ask her own boyfriend if she was a lesbian and had a personality disorder about, because they told her.

15th February, 2024-- she tells her friends that I'm harassing her on the phone. I did ring her and cry about the situation and everything and she said to only talk during points of emergencies like "someone dies or something" I respected that-- the calls kept going on, not just at 5 AM but sometimes in the car to thank me for "being there last night" and then wondering why on earth I was so upset/irritable when I'd get ignored for half the day just to be "thanked" for being a doormat the previous night, slipping into "I love you" statements as we looked at Amazon stuff or did quizzes on Discord from the server she kept of us.

[felicialous]

It was mentioned that for many years a lot of this was said because she didn't want her best friend to know we were still together, as that best friend hated me. That best friend only ever got one side of the story, whereas I portrayed both and this blog exists to show that, that still remains. Even though we had that discussion on these posts stopping because I gave her pause on "if I did that you'd hate it if it was the other way round me talking about wanting to kiss people that aren't you" It was suppressed all that time instead of just telling me the truth, having me pour money, energy, time into it all the way into meeting their family two times. That's what's really crazy. It was said Christmas Eve Night "My dad would never accept a girl here" and it was just handwaved away when I questioned how odd that was. I wasn't allowed to. That would be homophobic to say she couldn't just express that notion.

This is one of my favourites. The "it's just stan twt" stuff goes out of the window when that last sentence of the first part of the thread is said, doesn't it? We had visit 1 by this point and we were in a continous relationship with no breakups until 2022. I'll try and look for the oppurtunity for another screenshot to show we were together on that same day.

[felicialous]

Wow... it's worse than I thought. Yes-- you're thinking correct.

[felicialous]

This is one of my favourites. The "it's just stan twt" stuff goes out of the window when that last sentence of the first part of the thread is said, doesn't it? We had visit 1 by this point and we were in a continous relationship with no breakups until after Visit 2 in late 2022. I'll try and look for the oppurtunity for another screenshot to show we were together on that same day.

[felicialous]

[felicialous]

15th February, 2024-- she tells her friends that I'm harassing her on the phone. I did ring her and cry about the situation and everything and she said to only talk during points of emergencies like "someone dies or something" I respected that-- the calls kept going on, not just at 5 AM but sometimes in the car to thank me for "being there last night" and then wondering why on earth I was so upset/irritable when I'd get ignored for half the day just to be "thanked" for being a doormat the previous night, slipping into "I love you" statements as we looked at Amazon stuff or did quizzes on Discord from the server she kept of us. Even ringing me about wanting to tell me the results of her own therapy that day. The one thing I'll give her is this time she managed to not mess me around sexually, whereas in previous occasions she had been doing while with those other partners.

[felicialous]

Twitter is locked atm so I can't establish the timeline correctly, so I have to show the tweets I showed at the time. The calls will be shown in a seperate screenshot, then I guess that wraps the whole thing up. "Close friend" show that it was already pre-meditated. I screwed up on recording that part of the radio show because I didn't think she'd be clueless enough to actually admit to that on air, but the date she "confessed" to that person align with the very night she screamed at me on the phone for why she won't be loved for something I said about her appearance at 16 I couldn't live down, like what she did to me at 19-- having me talk her down from harming herself. She represented this via a song on there

[felicialous]

Something I realized about Maria that makes it as fair as possible for the two of us:

-"Poly" was asked for after finding out about this, where contact had already occured via kissing and all that. That means on both our sides the idea of it being "cheating" is a grey area, but what is undeniable is it was still a cop-out to just being with someone else and letting me go. Poly is meant to be about consenting with each and every partner every step of the way. To ask for it after that already happens... what does that make it? Would I have been angry? Yes. What partner wouldn't? Would it have been justified? Who actually knows that? That's another thing that was said in the final breakup. "I'm scared you'll get angry at me so I can't tell you about if I'm with someone while I call you every night out of habit" All of it was out of habit, but I only ever did this situation once. It was done again to me in 2022, when she ultimately decided she wanted to stay with me anyway, and she hadn't gotten with anyone, but then again in 2024 with her current partner. Poly was also asked for with the psycho trans man I mentioned (kai) and the last breakup, but then rescinded because "I couldn't be seen with you while with someone else because I wouldn't get to call myself a lesbian anymore" ????? Whenever poly was asked, it was always an immediate red flag... but for me to say my concerns on that because of it being a community about being able to love others, that it's more likely you would find someone to meet there, that she would always find someone first... that's transphobic and homophobic! When I pointed this out on the final breakup I got the (paraphrased) response of "I'm still healing from this and it'll take me a long time to want to be in a relationship again" a few weeks later...

[felicialous]

Need to sleep again, but we're near the final stretch. Almost done with these posts, whoever's still looking at this point.

[felicialous]

Video that proves that the account mentioned is her.

I was told actually...not too long before "remember that person who tried to reach out and fix things... that was me"

My bad. I couldn't differentiate between that person and the one who years ago vandalized my Tumblr URL to "rest in hell dickwipe"

had me talk it out bargaining to get the URL back if I respected their pronouns after deadnaming them from anger, as that was the main concern! not telling me they had "moved on" with the psycho love-bombing them 2 days earlier, sending two paragraphs inciting suicide to both of us on an alt account and wanting to put some cringe curse on my cat to run away, linking me my own facebook.

[felicialous]

Anything I ever said on there where I snapped that Cici could show you (like when I blew up about Maria) will pale in comparison to what everyone has seen me say lately. I kept that part of me under wraps, but when I was made a complete and utter fool of and changed every part about me to accomodate for this person because of that massive emotional blackmail they had on me at any time, and it was all for nothing... I was done with that and the monster came out. While it was never guaranteed they would never send a new partner or a friend after me sending me a massive paragraph about killing myself again-- I was too shaken up from that situation years ago to ever risk it. It ended up being in vain, and in turn I also played them at their own game.

I should state:

and Cici would be quick to say this, and it's correct

A lot of the stuff I went on about on Twitter lately is stuff I angrily worded that way to her directly during these situations. I was understanding in these screenshots, sure, but that's not an accurate portrayal all the ime.

The overall vibe was "I don't really give a shit you can't reach in my head and see you as either. Be that. Oh well" but then when stuff involving other partners started getting involved such as asking me to do polyamory (I declined every instance btw it felt wrong) or stating a few times or joking "yeah if you use the word gay in a bad context, you shouldn't anymore because you're dating me and you're gay now" it became much more. The Maria and Nico instances were when I flew off the handle. Nico was a trans man during her mlm phase that sent me a massive paragraph insinuating for me to kill myself over that one incident when I turned 19 but then also sent the same to her. I warned her about him when I saw this... but it ended up in us being together again for 5 years, until what you all saw when it imploded. I don't know why, but we just talked to eachother enough that it happened. Might have been me or her to initiate it, idk. I was terrified to ever break up again and just wanted to be the "perfect man" for her because she had this massive blackmail on me... for the thing I talked about on the server ad nauseum that I did precisely because I hated the fact I had to hide the fact it happened and be secretive, but it was all mentally ill thoughts I wasn't educated on, and no 16/17 year old should have had their only teen relationship being with someone continually questioning their identity and messing them around (nor should Cici's have been with someone like me continually breaking up till that incident. I don't deny there's trauma there for her) so that stasis lasted until 19 when I said things I shouldn't 'cause I wanted a normal relationship and those years were robbed from me. We were same age. She's older by a month. Just to clarify. I could go more in-depth on the DM I sent Mixi Magic (previously Star on there) who was my irl friend but that's for her to send because it does mention more people from the server throwing them under. It explains the whole thing though.

[felicialous]

You all get the point by now on the gender stuff, so it's time for the kicker I promised:

-Using Maria the trans woman she asked for poly from me for's favourite character from an Anime to convince me into meeting her and spending all those years with her after that one scandal. It worked, and I didn't find out till last year.

-At the time, things were so bad that a teaching assistant offered to scramble my Discord password or hold onto my phone, and I said no. Things were that bad I had a date in my calendar of my phone to end it before that day. This person reaching out to me was a big part of me trying to work out a way for my therapist to see it through, that I could see Cici still... because I thought back to that person and wanted to make them proud and be like "Look, we did it!"

I later found out (and I can't access their Twitter at the moment) they were talking about asking a mutual out the very second they booked the ticket... but then being upset with me for understandably messing them around. Went both ways as per.

We did the visit as friends in the end, and we kissed the following morning making us a couple again, but overall it was a chill vibe, but did it feel as it properly should, or was it just the surrealness of it all? It was a convenient reset to tell all my friends all the fears I had went away because of the online setting being gone, having been ashamed of always talking behind her back about her to friends... which is why that account was made

One thing that'll always bother me:

Was it tainted since that incident or was I really just that cold? I'll never know. I mean... I couldn't even do the blog posts I said I'd do about either visit. I guess I'll always carry that shame, whoever's blame it lies on.