femcel-interruped

[femcel-interruped]

A Change

5/26/24 9:03PM

I created this blog dedicated to the ideal "boysober era" as they call it on TikTok. I found that during this time of daily blogging about being a lonely 21 year old girl made me feel worse in a way. I was dwelling. Meanwhile, I was being dismissive to men that seemed nice and wanted to get to know me. So I dropped this whole boysober blog thing for about a month and decided to let whatever happen, happen. I met someone, hung out a few times, then got friend-zoned. My ex who I lived with and I decided to cease communication indefinitely. Nothing bad happened, it was just time to let go. I went to California and hung out with a friend from home who now lives there and I developed a huge crush (that seemed reciprocated) on his roommate. The roommate ended up having a girlfriend who he did not mention once. I've been grieving that small instance as that same situation has happened before and it was extremely painful. But through this pain I have been actively rejecting my own common toxic coping habits that 100% of the time prolong my suffering. It is like ripping out teeth, especially for an anxiously attached hopeless romantic who overthinks everything. It has gotten to the point where I have thought more about this person than I've actually have had interactions with, and that's where I found a wound to patch up. This is just an example, but what I'm trying to say is-

If you are suffering emotionally from something you have conjured, find the parts that hurt and pay mind to it. Ask it why it's hurting, and no matter the answer, patch it up. In other words, replace the needle in the haystack that causes the huge ripple effect. Replace the coping mechanism that makes it worse for you with something more logical. The more honest you are with yourself, the clearer life and situations get. This is where I want to take this blog. I want to discuss more daily life emotional turmoil and how to better cope as I am also learning as a young adult woman living at home while taking years to get through college.

I think the most frustrating part of this time in your life (assuming you are also a lost young woman) is knowing that you have had it better before, and it feels like you are in a constant decline. I watch past memories of myself and I feel jealousy towards her because she has no idea how good she has it. She had bigger artistic aspirations, she had great romantic partners who were devoted to her, she was not worried about what she was going to do to fill in the day tomorrow to make it bearable, like she's working towards something at all. I have been feeling really aimless for awhile since I got home in December. My life was flipped upside down and I feel like I never fully got back on my feet in terms of direction in life. It's been six months and I am tired. I took a break from school which helped me learn a ton about myself as a human and how to take care of my brain better, but it also made things worse because I have had no structure, no purpose to my days. It looks really easy. No school, just work at the movie theater sometimes, live at home for free with home cooked meals, etc. I am a very lucky and privileged person to have all these things, but it does not create a fulfilled life. I am empty. I feel meaningless. I always felt I had a place in the world, a big one. I always took up so much space and was so loud with my existence because I believed in myself. I don't have that anymore. I spend my days posting random things on instagram and checking to see if one person saw it. I sit in this bed, maybe I'll spend too much money on a coffee I won't finish, and I overthink the entire day because I have way too much time on my hands.

I desperately need to sort out my life. I have discovered that we never stop thinking "I need to get my shit together." That can feel daunting or comforting depending on where you're at mentally. I find aging to be both of those things. I am so very young, but I've been listening heavily to the older women giving advice to younger generations. I think we shut them out too much. Older women who have welcomed aging mentally and physically are so valuable, yet we think that they are useless to us. We think they don't understand us, but you have to put that generational gap aside. One thing I have learned from studying philosophy is that a majority of the human experience is shared throughout centuries. Past generations understand the same circumstances that we all face in their own ways. It's important to listen to all of their stories with an open mind. Like they say in tarot card readings, "take what resonates, leave what doesn't." They have had their own unique experiences just like you, but it's all related. Have a conversation about your troubles with someone older, it will give you clarity and comfort that none of this is new.

Absolutely nothing about what you are going through is new in this universe. Take solace in that.

[femcel-interruped]

Days 5&6

I didn't do yesterday because I was feeling really sad and confused. I've been struggling with my hormones for a long time and it is something I am struggling with now. Additionally, I had a lot of thinking to do about my friendship with my ex. To preface this, I want to add a little context to our history:

We met as soon as I moved to Chicago in the Fall of 2022 and immediately fell in love. We were in an intense relationship for 1.5 years. Over time, we got an apartment, spent holidays together, and adopted two kittens. Also during that time, we became poisonous to each other. I gave him a deep fear of trust and he gave me self hatred and lack of identity. I moved out and back in with my parents in my hometown and grieved safely there in no contact with him.

After a few months, I was seeing someone else for about two months. One night my boyfriend at the time and I were grocery shopping to cook a nice dinner. As I was walking towards the exit, I saw the dreaded notification: an email from him. I stopped in my tracks and showed my boyfriend. He understood, but it made him really nervous. He knew the situation with my ex was fragile and dramatic. Shortly after this, we broke up and I began on and off talking to my ex. It wasn't until a month into talking again that he revealed that he's in a new relationship. A pretty serious one. I felt blindsided, jealous, angry, disgusted by the fact that we had been talking about very intimate and emotional things meanwhile I had no idea there was someone new. If I had known, I would have acted differently. This goes to show that waiting to tell someone something does not soften the blow, it intensifies the impact.

We got into fights, then missed talking to each other and ran back to each other over and over again. It always ended with me blocking him and then missing him and unblocking him to call to say that I need him in that moment. Over the past few weeks, we have been really good. That is only because I chose to diminish the existence of his girlfriend in my mind. I chose to ignore it. Yesterday, reality hit again and I got very depressed.

Now we are here in the present moment. I expressed my sadness and grief over these things to him. He apologized, but nothing will take away the disgust I feel within myself. His girlfriend just left for Poland for the entire summer, I don't know what that means for me. But this all begs the question:

Can we truly be just friends with an ex that changed our lives?

What I have learned over the past few days is that no, not while you are still healing. This is a hard pill to swallow because you crave this person's attention and conversation, how can you go without it? I have discovered that this feeling controls me. I do not feel like my life is in my own hands when I am in this situation, let alone my mental health. I am not me when I am grieving. Since our breakup I liked to tell myself that "grief is love in a heavy coat." While this may be true, it can set us back. If looking at it the wrong way, it can convince you that the love under the grief is worth fighting for. This is untrue and completely destructive thinking. This tiny quote from god knows who is to encourage us to make friends with the parts of life that we are grieving. We can appreciate its existence while acknowledging that it is over and we are in a state of grief.

Over. That is probably the hardest part of this for me. I have a hard time letting big parts of my life go, he was one of them. I commonly romanticize the dramatics of it; the fireworks, the high highs and the low lows. It was not a safe or healthy environment and the person for you would not make you question your lovability. The right person for you would not listen to you cry for hours and not move a muscle. The right person for you will make you feel held, feel ready to face the world because you'll know that you have them. Undoubtably.

[femcel-interruped]

Day 4

5/2/24

6:32 PM

You know in the beginning of that one episode of Fleabag where she's on the train and Sail by AWOLNATION is playing and then she looks at the camera to say "I think my period's coming."? That's me today.

My skin is breaking out, I feel fat, I feel like I'm losing my mind. I wonder if burning sage will help at all. Here's an update on my love life and how it contributes to societal issues and all that-

I blocked those two guys I mentioned this morning. I told them both previously that I did not feel ready to meet up or date and neither of them took the hint. They kept the conversations going with small talk and always ALWAYS tried to set up a date at the end of each conversation. I feel a little like an asshole, but what do you expect when disrespecting my boundaries that were very clearly set?

I've been feeling a sense of dread and pressure to go out on dates, even when proclaiming myself as boy-sober. I've also been reading a lot about the patriarchy and the roles I, as a woman, am assumed to play. I feel the expectation to be the dream girl at the beginning of a blossoming relationship. This is not something I have been putting on myself, though. This has been by the hands of random men online who see my pictures and have one conversation with me. I'm not interested in these people because they all play the same game, do the same old tricks. It's not that I think all boys are icky, I love men. But I feel deeply misunderstood and undervalued as my true self. They see what they want to see, they pick and choose what is there to them. I'm not searching, but there's got to be more out there. Every guy I speak to sounds like they're desperately trying to impress me with outings and conversations I've had and done a million times before.

Love-bombing is incredibly prominent in the dating scene these days, it's like an epidemic of assholes making women think they're being loved when they're just being led into bed. Being on the receiving end of love-bombing, it feels as creepy as having a stalker because of how intimate they are trying to be so quickly. Men have become so desperate to get laid and now understand that women need feelings to have sex (most of the time, not always), that they plot a fake "fated" relationship that will only last up until they cum. I say "fated" because not only do they bombard you with affection, but they try to fool you into thinking it's only going so fast because it's meant to be. This is a part of the rushing to bed aspect of love-bombing. The whole point is to have sex and to cure their own boredom. When I say that the dating scene right now is the trenches, I mean it.

I understand that this all sounds very femcel-ish, that's okay with me. The plan for tonight is to light incense, listen to music that says what I'm feeling, maybe read more Bell Hooks, watch Boyhood, and hang out with my best friend. It might be time to plan some new art work or at least find inspiration for the style I want. Since I've been doing self discovery/soul searching I haven't been making any art. I've been fully focused on reading, writing, music and movies. Sometimes you need to feed your soul before you can feed the other things around you.

My message to you for today, my main takeaway, is:

Do not let others tell you what you need and heal one thing at a time. It's okay if it takes awhile, it's your time to spare. Take what feels good (and moral, don't go crazy) and leave what doesn't. I believe in being selfish, it's your life, your body, your mind.

[femcel-interruped]

Day 3

5/1/24

10:47 PM

So, I worked the entire day and I am too exhausted to write the inner machinations of my mind right now, but I wanted to write something to keep the ball rolling.

Today was a sucky day in all. I was on my feet the entire day meanwhile two men that I told I am not dating right now kept texting me with small talk. I responded being friendly to both of them, but they aren't getting the hint. How do I push them away to where it won't be insanely awkward if we ever run into each other? When is ghosting okay or necessary? I'm getting really annoyed and frustrated, even if they are nice guys (or so they seem, but that's another conversation for another day), why won't they get the hint or respect my space? I feel like a piece of meat!

Anyways, more tomorrow, I read a good bit of "The Four Agreements" today so there's much to discuss there.

[femcel-interruped]

Day 2

4/30/24

10:19 AM

I woke up with a gut feeling that I should cancel on that guy from yesterday. Yes, it's harmless, but I'm not really interested. I only make friends right now and I can't be friends with someone if I know that they are actively trying to get something else out of me. Establishing the rules of being boy-sober makes decision making a bit easier.

I've been talking with my ex still, but we both established that we enjoy each others companionship and pursuing a romantic relationship with each other (or in general) again isn't in the cards right now. We're both very happy with our friendship, talking to him always feels good and we're getting much better at understanding each others' place in life at the moment. It brings us closer together as friends and companions, especially since I explained being boy-sober to him and the rules of it all, including my intentions with it. Yesterday I was showing him the book I'm reading ("All About Love" by Bell Hooks) and all the things I'm learning from it. I'm very passionate about philosophy, especially modern day versions of these kinds of life topics.

I highly recommend "All About Love" by Bell Hooks (or any Bell Hooks honestly) for being boy-sober as it helps you reflect on all relationships and how it contributes to your current relationships. It also has been helping me understand why we love the way we do. Love is such a misconstrued concept, it is entirely misunderstood and handled poorly 99% of the time. The only way we can learn to love properly is to understand where we got it wrong.

Yesterday was a really great day. I like writing during the day so keeping a diary about my days is a bit difficult with timing, but I'll write tomorrow night to try to cover the whole day. Anyways, yesterday I took myself out. It was a rainy day filled with reading, driving around, record stores, and whole foods. I spent most of the day alone excluding going to my friends apartment in the morning to wake them up and say hello. I had great conversation when I socialized, I made great purchases that I'm happy about, and I felt really fulfilled. Yesterday was my first perfect day in a long time. I'm really grateful for the life I have right now. I wouldn't change a thing.

Also I bought cat tarot cards yesterday! It's been fun learning how to read them and has been helping me make sense of the scary unknown in order to make peace with it. I love finding new vehicles for healthy coping in daily life.

I've been really loving my friendships since I've been single. I've nurtured them to the same capacity that I always did for romantic relationships, which has created such a fulfilling and happy dynamic in my life. I think it's part of the reason why I'm so okay being single now. My friends really got me through. So, I wanted to include a few love songs for friends/platonic soulmates and also a few about having fun with yourself:

"Guys" - The 1975

"Fool" - Adrianne Lenker

"My Song" - Labi Siffre

"The Way Things Go" - Beabadoobee

"Different Drum" - Linda Ronstadt

"Make Your Own Kind Of Music" - Cass Elliot

"Young Hearts Run Free" - Candi Staton

[femcel-interruped]

Do women have fart? my friend say no but i jus curious cuz sometimes they is big lie yknow? thanks

as they say, let it rip. if it stank, love her still. silent but deadly are the ones to look out for.

[femcel-interruped]

Day 1

1:22 PM-

I am facing my first challenge: being asked on a date by a nice person. My day started out pretty nice; I woke up, cooked egg bites in a muffin tin for my friend and I to enjoy this morning, and I read the first three chapters of "All About Love" by Bell Hooks. I found it in my sister's bookshelf and it turned out to be surprisingly helpful in my boy-sober research. The morning also consisted of me fighting with myself to go shopping to fill some kind of void. I wanted to purchase a lifestyle (i.e. natural products, maybe some records I like, stationary for my journaling, etc.) .

I then wrote a To-Do List for the day, mainly including cleaning and a few small purchases that I've been meaning to make. As I was making way through my list, I checked my phone. I saw a DM on Instagram from a guy who I think is a bit too pure for me. A former homeschooled kid with a Christian background and a love for board games. The other day, I tried to explain my beliefs and spirituality to him, he had a hard time understanding, but was sweet about it. Anyways, his text read,

"Hey what do you think about going out to get coffee sometime this week? We could also get lunch somewhere if you'd prefer that, it's up to you!"

Very harmless. My question is, can I go meet people if it's not necessarily categorized as a date? How do I disclose that I'm not dating if we met on Tinder and I have set my intentions to be a long-term relationship prior to starting this? What if he is really nice?

I think what I'll do is agree to coffee, but with the intentions of building a friendship first. I'm not against meeting somebody who's good for me, I am just concerned about my ability to continue a good track for myself if I'm dating (making myself vulnerable to getting hurt, therefore being set back in my progress as a person). This journey is already confusing, but I think it will get clearer as time goes on and I learn how to navigate being boy-sober in a way that serves me.

My response to his message was,

"Hey, I'd love to get coffee with you! My schedule is a bit busy this week with work because I've been out for a couple weeks, can I let you know when I'm free?"

Okay, listen. I know it sounds incredibly enthusiastic, but it is intended to sound friendly and not flirtatious.

He liked the message.

When we do said coffee outing, I'll explain in person that I would like to be friends before anything else. This is me holding onto my boundaries set by the boy-sober rule book, I'm so proud of me!

I am off dating apps and stopped responding to my ex, stopped answering the random guys in my phone trying to have sex with me. This guy just seems nice and like he would wait if he wanted to. Yay! good talk.

[femcel-interruped]

"Boy-Sober": The Concept and Rules as explained by Hope Woodard

I first discovered this idea of "boy-sober" through a random tiktok of a woman explaining her own experience doing it. She coined the phrase and has further explained the rules as different questions come up, and there are a lot of "what ifs" to consider.

In a nutshell, being boy-sober is to not be involved with any man romantically. This includes dating apps, situationships, exes, basically any man who would take up your brain space is off limits. The goal and hope is to disconnect from the male gaze and enjoy your life as your own entity. You are no longer reaching for the validation, affection and entertainment that dating would most commonly provide.

// sidenote... As I'm explaining this in writing, the lines are so blurred to me because I'm scared of jumping into the deep end, quitting all men cold turkey. What about my ex that I miss and love so dearly and am still close to? What about the men that seem nice and want to take me on a date? I guess that's why I'm doing this, it's a challenge. I have to remind myself that I'm not depriving myself of joy or love, I'm making way for a more peaceful and driven life. Not only am I creating a more balanced and healthy lifestyle for myself, but I am also creating higher standards for what I will accept as a partner. It will benefit me in all ways that will serve me in the future. //

So, here is Hope Woodard's (the person who coined this phrase) rules for being boy-sober:

no dating apps

no dates

no exes

no situationships (you are NOT single if somebody is taking up your headspace, it does not matter how "casual" the relationship is)

no hookups

It sounds very simple, but there are a lot of what-ifs.

For example, what if a random person that you find attractive asks for your number? According to Woodard, in this situation you may give out your number if you are so inclined to, but you have to disclose that you are not dating.

What about sex? If it is a true necessity for you to have sex with another person instead of doing it yourself, that is completely okay, go for it as long as you are able to stay unattached. Not all of us are that strong.

Am I allowed to flirt? Yes, yes, yes. This is not a practice of isolation or separation. You are encouraged (by Woodard) to keep flirting, keep meeting people. But you have to keep in mind that that is where the relationship will pause for the time being until your boy-sober journey has reached a fulfilled ending.

Is it okay for me to want a partner/be lonely? Absolutely. It is so completely natural to feel these things and is apart of this process. This experience will give you time to think about what you really want in a partner, therefore you will have a higher quality partner in the future once figuring out what kind of person suits you best. Keep in mind, finding someone is NOT the end goal; the end goal is to find fulfillment within yourself, which will ultimately increase your quality of life.

Below are affirmations I've found during my research that may help the process be a little less painful:

I can make space for loneliness and still be kind to myself

The longest relationship I’ll ever have is with myself

I can give myself the things I need to feel better

The loneliness I feel isn’t something I have to feel all the time

I feel joy and pride in accomplishing things by myself

I give myself permission to make time for being sad, then I’ll get back up when I feel able to

I am simply disengaging from bad energy

I have the power to change direction

Day 1 starts tomorrow.

[femcel-interruped]

Why I'm starting this blog about being alone

I have been a serial monogamist since I turned 13 and met my very first boyfriend. Once I felt that kind of connection with someone, it seemed impossible to live without it after the fact. I briefly explored this with my therapist because through the years she has watched me clutch onto this addition to affection and intense human connection. She said something along the lines of,

"I've had many clients go through the same thing. Once you start, it's hard to imagine a life without it. A life without infatuation becomes dull, you wont feel vibrant again until you find the next person. It's an endless cycle of chasing a high."

That is me paraphrasing, but nonetheless, she's right. Dating becomes an addiction for many. It's easy to find someone when your main goal is to have feelings, not to find a truly compatible partner. Along the way, I learned different qualities that young men had defined as a "dream girl" and I acquired those qualities. My ambition was to become THE girl in all ways, but mainly for men. It became my main source of validation. Not even through sex, but through the proof that I am lovable as a person.

The cycle ended after my last real relationship came to a dramatic close in December 2023. This was a person I wanted to make it work with so desperately. We had a life planned, we had a lease and two cats. We became family. But as all things do eventually, it met its fate. I moved out and went back home to my parents house over 800 miles away. It is now the end of April 2024, and I am still grieving and processing. This is the first time that I have been hit so hard by a relationship that I simply could not go on finding another. Believe me, I've tried. I've gone on dates, I've had a situationship or two, but nothing could cover my grief for this man and the life we were "supposed to" have.

I have successfully gone through the stages of grief, during which I became an insufferable femcel for a few months. I even started a meme page that centered around that idea. I was bitter. Extremely lost and lonely and bitter. No amount of flirtatious conversations on hinge could save me. I have made peace since then and I have done a lot of reflecting during the past few months of what it means to be alone vs lonely. Is it okay to feel lonely? Does it mean something else? I have many questions, all to be answered on here eventually.

The point of this blog is for me to explore the many questions I face everyday as a woman choosing to be alone, and having a hard time with it.

I am very young and learning how to live.