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fen-luciel · 4 months ago

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A mother's doubt

Cassian just did a robbery and you're stuck at home, pregnant.

There wasn’t a soul outside.

All the shops had closed at least a couple of hours ago, and small groups of kids, and shady-looking street vendors roamed around, but Cassian was nowhere to be seen.

I was sitting on the couch in the dark apartment, watching the holonet under a couple of blankets. The heating had broken again, and I would have to wait at least three paychecks before I could get it fixed, even with the discount Bix would give me. She had tried to offer it to me for free, but I hated using my pregnancy as a tool for pity. I knew she meant well, but I couldn’t always rely on others.

Especially because the only person I had decided to trust had gotten me pregnant and disappeared.

Every night, I thanked that he hadn’t truly run away, but with what had happened with the guards and then the soldiers in the city, it might have been better to be abandoned.

Would the Empire leave me alone?

Nah.

But at least I could play the victim card of a thief’s prey, even though it hurt to talk about Cassian that way.

But he had stayed.

I remembered clearly when, months earlier, I had discovered the whole mess.

Cassian and I didn’t have a stable relationship at all. Since he had broken up with Bix, he had jumped from woman to woman without ever staying in the same place more than once.

I had caught him hiding in the scrapyard where he kept his adoptive parents' old ship, with a bruised face from punches.

One of many angry husbands.

I had joked about it, helped him clean up his lip, and for a moment there was a spark, a thrill that ran through me as I moved his jaw from side to side. The silence became suffocating, and his eyes were like daggers to my lungs.

I had always liked him.

But I wasn’t one for danger, or shady business in general. I had known him over the years as Bix’s friend, never thinking we would end up together, that he would start showing up at my door to get patched up. Sometimes simple cuts that made me wonder if he was messing with me.

Then one night, we kissed.

He’d been fighting on some planet, always out getting into trouble, and luck couldn’t be on his side all the time. He showed up at the door limping, covered in bruises, but before I could even notice, he kissed me and pushed me inside.

He was a man of few words, but he spoke even less about his feelings. So, in silence, I patched him up and let myself be dragged to bed.

Another notch on the belt.

Another outing in the middle of the night, another day.

But not only did he show up again, but by the fourth or fifth time, he bought something from a nearby restaurant for us to eat together for dinner.

And when Andor spends money, there’s always cause for concern.

The thing remained casual. I didn’t speak, neither did he. It was like a normal relationship, but nothing about it was normal.

And yet, I liked it.

Even if the next morning, he wouldn’t stay to sleep, or sometimes on the street he almost didn’t recognize me.

I was fine with it. I had a monotonous life, stuck between work and debts. I wouldn’t complain about being screwed on the table by Cassian Andor—it gave a little moment of pleasure in that monotonous life.

The fact was, as usual, the galaxy had a great way of mocking me.

I had noticed right away that something was wrong. I couldn’t afford any time off, so I took any sign of illness seriously. The result, however, wasn’t on my list of possibilities.

Pregnant.

My contraception was cheap, had a higher failure rate, and I don’t know, maybe the condom broke, but the result didn’t change.

I had run away from Maarva in tears. Cassian had been gone for a week, and I didn’t know what to do.

If anyone had asked, I would have said it was Bix who told the man. She had seen how happy the routine made him, and maybe she thought this would be the sign for both of us to change our habits, maybe find lasting happiness.

Cassian wasn’t a man of many words, and he wasn’t that night either.

He showed up on his knees, hugging my legs, asking me for the chance to trust him. I was taken aback by his manner, by his choice of words, but maybe it didn’t make sense to take a complex man like Andor for granted.

Cassian had moved into my small apartment. He stayed in bed until the morning and asked me how I was doing, but he was still able to disappear for weeks without saying a word.

“I’m doing something for us,” he would say, dodging my questions, taking my hand and kissing it, then my neck—and at that point, I would forget why I was angry.

Things had gotten worse for a while. He was nervous, getting up in the middle of the night to disappear for a few hours. I wanted to believe he was cheating on me, but I knew it had to be something much worse.

Cassian didn’t cheat on you, if he wanted to be with someone else, he would let you know.

Then everything went downhill.

One evening, he came back home sweaty and out of breath, with a sinister look in his eyes. I knew that routine well—he caused enough trouble to build it up, and when it exploded in his face, he would run around trying to fix it, and to my great surprise, he always succeeded.

But that evening?

He was shaking.

I was in bed, lying there for a couple of hours, unable to sleep, watching a movie on the holo pad in my lap.

He came home earlier than expected. I knew he wanted to go around asking about his sister, maybe he wouldn’t come back at all. Instead, he was there, sweating like he had run a marathon.

He entered the bedroom with a wild look in his eyes, a new bruise on his cheek, drenched in rain.

I barely had time to call him before he climbed onto the bed and kissed me. One hand stroked my stomach before disappearing between my thighs. He overwhelmed me so quickly that I could hardly remember what we had done, but it had been rough, like it hadn’t been in a while.

That meant trouble too.

We argued the next day. I tried to understand what had happened, but he didn’t want to talk, as always.

“Go back to bed. I’ll make you some tea.” Anything to avoid the conversation, then he left.

I wouldn’t know anything more until the next day, when, amid the sound of alarms, I was dragged by Wilmon down the streets to his father’s store, where they locked me in for my safety.

Then the screams, the explosions, the Empire.

I wanted to take it out on Bix.

On her stupid boyfriend.

On Cassian.

But I was so worried.

Everyone hated him, the air had become tense because of the Empire’s arrival, and we didn’t know what would happen.

No one had said my name yet, though. Cassian and I weren’t married or anything, so legally I wasn’t tied to him, but everyone knew what we were.

The neighbors knew, the friends knew, the place where I worked knew. But no one said my name.

Cassian had disappeared once again with a mysterious man whom Bix couldn’t tell me anything about.

The others didn’t want to talk to me so I wouldn’t “stress out.”

Even Maarva told me to let it go and just worry about the baby.

But how could I?

Cassian was now a public fugitive. It was rumored that he had stolen something big.

It made my stomach churn with nerves.

“I’m doing this for us. I’m working on it.”

I didn’t know if he was really doing it for us, for his child. He had always liked stealing, getting into some mischief, but this?

Where had he gotten it from?

How?

And had he really disappeared this time?

Would someone kill him?

And what would I do if someone found out about me?

I wanted to run away, but where would I go?

I barely had a diploma, I didn’t even have money for a ride, and I’d lose so much that after two nights in a motel, I’d have nothing left.

I had visited a couple of moons for work, but I didn’t know my way around the galaxy. They’d catch me.

They would find it suspicious if I disappeared suddenly, someone would talk, they’d kick me out, and—

No. I couldn’t let them take my child.

I stood up from the couch to look out the windows once more, and as if I had predicted it, there was a thud at the door before it opened.

I turned quickly, expecting to find a soldier or worse, but at the entrance, with a hood on his head and short of breath, was Cassian.

We both stared at each other in surprise. He seemed not to have realized I was standing, just as I struggled to believe he was here, with the city ready to sell him out and soldiers patrolling the streets.

I reached him with long strides before wrapping my arms around his neck, exhaling slowly while holding back a sob, his warm arms around my waist as he pulled me to him—pulled us to him.

“Cassian—” I sobbed, unable to hold back the tears, pressing my face against his, feeling the light regrowth of his beard. I hadn’t even noticed he had shaved.

“Shhh—I’m here. I'm fine, We're good- ei- we're good.” He squeezed me tighter for a few seconds before moving my face just enough to look into my eyes. I leaned in to kiss him, and we met halfway.

One hand on my cheek while I grabbed his hair, pulling him closer, scratching his jacket.

It was a chaste kiss, slow, our lips pressed together in a dance that carried the weight of my tears. Then I rubbed my nose against his, feeling the cold skin on mine.

“Hey—don’t cry, I came to get you. You didn’t think I’d leave you here, did you?” He smiled before gently pushing me onto the couch.

He quickly took off his jacket before rushing into the bedroom, throwing me a quick glance. That moment, frozen, still, where we had kissed, shattered immediately after. His words echoed in my head.

“Where... where are you going? What’s going on?” I lowered the volume of the TV, leaving it on. I didn’t want to attract any attention by turning on the white lights in the living room.

“We’re leaving. I don’t know where, but we’ll find a place.” We both spoke in low voices, the house was so small we didn’t have to raise our voices to hear each other.

“What?” I got up to join him in the bedroom. He had pulled out one of my work bags, where he was stuffing some of my clothes and the few baby things I had started accumulating over the months—pacifiers, little gloves, and a stuffed toy I had made from a woman in the neighborhood.

“What... what are you doing—i—Cassian—” I stopped him, grabbing his arm. I was so confused I could barely speak.

"Is this about the guards?"

He opened his mouth to retort, but I interrupted him. "—Before you try to justify yourself, know that Bix told me everything. That..." I shook my head, still confused by the past few days. "—Can you tell me what’s going through your mind? That black box and— and the guards— not to mention what happened here. They told me they tried to blow up the vehicle—" I rubbed my forehead nervously. "I was so worried—"

He took my hand and kissed the back of it gently. "Blow up? No sweetheart, nothing like that happened, okay?" He drew me closer again. "It’s all under control, I’ve fixed everything."

I pressed my lips into a hard line, still whispering, but the anger was clear in my voice.

"No. I want you to tell me what’s going on. You stole that thing and—" But he interrupted me, "I did it for us. I would’ve sold it and bought us a house and a working heating system and—" I hit him with a fist to the chest, making him flinch.

"We don’t need that money. Look at what it’s brought us."

Sure, I appreciated that he wanted to do it for us, but it wasn’t worth the consequences we were paying. "Don’t you understand? I’ve fixed it. I’ve got the money. I’ve got a ship, we’re leaving." I was taken back by his irritated tone. He has freed his arm and continued rummaging through the drawers.

"What money? Where did you get it from? Is that what you’ve been doing these days? With that man you left with?" I stepped aside as he pulled out the small safe with our savings and opened it to stuff everything into an inner pocket. "Don’t think about it. The ship isn’t far, and the patrols are concentrated in the square."

I followed him down the small hallway watching him grab towels from the bathroom.

"Can you— can you stop for a second and talk to me?" I asked, my breath short. "Can you please—"

I grabbed him again, holding him tighter. "Cassian, please—" I sobbed. "Please, tell me something. Anything."

He took his time to respond, "You’re right."

He had a pained expression on his face, a deep furrow between his brows. He looked tired, nervous. I wondered where he had been and what he had done.

"That man. He offered me a job. I did it. And now we’ve got all the credits we need to live in peace." He gently grabbed my arms. "I’m sorry. I’ve been a terrible boyfriend from the start."

He smiled nervously.

"Mom’s right. You should’ve punched me that day. But you didn’t, and— and finally, I have a chance to do something good."

He brushed a lock of hair from my face, his fingers trembling slightly. "I really want us to be okay together. I want to see you happy, like you make me happy." He gestured to the bedroom. "We don’t even need this stuff. I’ll get us a house. You’ll have heating, a new mattress, I’ll pay for all the checkups you want. We just need a change of clothes and we’ll leave."

I looked at him more closely, even though I loved seeing him clean-shaven, I missed seeing him with the scruffy hair. Ironically, he looked more broken now than a few days ago.

"How did you get all these credits?"

He sighed. "I did a heist—"

"What?!" I squeaked, continuing to whisper. "It’s all sorted out. They wanted my help, and now we’re even. We just need to sneak away."

I shook my head. "What’s gotten into you? Who did you rob? Don’t tell me it was a gang—" But he interrupted me, waving his hands. "We’ll talk about it on the ship, okay? But we need to go."

He went back to grab the bag and stuffed a few bars and cookies into the remaining space. He had left drawers and cabinets open, but I imagined it didn’t matter anymore.

"And Bix? And— and your mom? We need to go get her—" But he shook his head. "She wants to stay. She sends her regards, said to keep covering your neck." And to emphasize the point, he took the scarf and wool hat Maarva had made for me and put them on my head and neck. The knit wasn’t perfect, but it had been her gift, she wanted to improve to make a wool hat for her grandson.

My heart tightened.

"We can’t leave her here—" Cassian seemed barely to listen as he picked up two jackets and placed them on the table. "Do you think I like this? But she decided it." He shook his head. "I also talked to Bix. She asked me to tell you she’s sorry for not convincing you earlier to get that damn boiler. And to relax, she says goodbye."

I stayed silent, my heart pounding in my throat. So, this was it?

Was this the moment?

We were leaving and... everything would change?

Were we fugitives?

"Cassian—" I whispered, breathless, getting his attention. Tears filled my eyes again. "Are we... are we running from the Empire?"

But the question in my mind was far more complex.

We were running away from home, from our families, from the planet that raised us. Cassian was good at adapting, but me?

Could I manage?

But then, deep down, did I really have a choice?

"We’ll find a quiet place. We’ll be fine." He shook his head with that crooked smile he always wore when I was worried about one of his silent moves. I didn’t miss the hesitation in his response, he was struggling to believe it too. The Empire was everywhere, and where it hadn’t reached yet, there was fear it would come soon.

And now Cassian was a wanted man.

I wondered how long we could survive like this.

"Let’s go."

He put the jacket on my shoulders, which I pulled on, pushing the hood over my wool hat, trying to hide my hair as much as possible.

I watched him dress quickly and sling the bag over his shoulder.

I left the TV on, took one last look around the house, thinking of something I could shove in my pocket, leaving all my things behind— even my parents’ belongings that I hadn’t had the courage to throw away, the stupid trinkets I sometimes allowed myself, the pictures on the shelves.

I grabbed a small hologram that scrolled through some family photos: my parents, me as a child, our dogs, about ten of them, no more. I had entire archives in a box in the closet.

I slipped it into my pocket and joined Cassian, who stood by the door with a determined look on his face. "We have to plan. But the road isn’t hard. We’ll just walk a bit."

I leaned in to kiss him to gather strength, then took one last look at the house.

I would miss it.

I had bought it myself, paid the rent, the bills, repaired the pipes, the windows. I had planned where to put the crib.

But now I had to leave.

And leave it behind.

I grabbed Cassian’s hand and nodded. I took the last two steps to the entrance before stepping out.

The street was deserted, the patrols were rare and mostly towards the center and where Cassian’s mother lived. I quickly shut the door behind me, watching the illuminated space as long as I could, feeling the nausea rise, but I steeled myself and turned the latch, leaving the access card inside.

"I’m ready."

We walked along the walls of the buildings, my heart pounding in my throat, my hands trembling, but I kept moving, dragged by Cassian's hand that gripped my wrist tightly. Along the way, I threw the keys into a vase and kept running. We passed a couple of patrols, then we were out of the city, far from the main roads and transport, making our way a few meters to a speeder hidden among the hills.

From there, he drove past the fields and toward the woods where a ship of a particular model was hidden.

"I guess I don’t even need to ask about this one."

But he didn’t answer, just pointed me to go in.

It didn’t take me long to realize it wasn’t his. There were really strange things inside, medical supplies, parts of droids, and blocks of notes written in an alien language I didn’t recognize.

"Come sit." Cassian left the bag in the bunk before pointing to the co-pilot seat. He rummaged through the things, pulling out one of his hoodies and a change of clothes, then took the pilot's seat and started the engines.

"Aren’t they going to see us leave?" I asked, concerned, slipping on the hoodie after hanging the jacket over the back of the chair.

"No, they haven’t fully occupied the airspace yet. We’ll approach the moon, fly over the surface, and jump to hyperspace. This isn’t the first time I’ve done this. Trust me, I’ve piloted worse in these days."

I avoided asking him again what that remark meant though it sounded bitter, so I remained silent.

I waited for us to gain altitude, watching below us. I wanted to see the city one more time, but I knew it was too dangerous to get that close. I sighed slowly and let myself sink into the metal chair.

"Have you slept these days?" He asked suddenly as we speed away, not too high from the ground. I shrugged, one arm around my stomach. "I was... thinking about a lot of things. You. The Empire. Maybe... I’ve slept a couple of hours a night."

Despite the pleasant silence that had settled in the cabin, I continued to feel nervous, terrified we’d be caught. Deep down, I wondered if I’d ever be able to live without the fear that the Empire was on our trail, to enjoy a night of sleep without fear.

"We'll make the jump and lie down." He reached out to gently rub my stomach under the soft hoodie, then lowered his hand to take mine in his. "Things will be different. I promise."

He was focused on the lights and the screen showing the airspace, his gaze controlled, but i swear I saw something different, a harder light in his eyes.

I loved him.

He was the one who had gotten me into trouble. It was his fault I had to flee home and leave my friends behind.

But, he made me feel good.

It was the same feeling I had when he told me he wanted to be a father, I trusted him.

It was an instinct telling me he wasn’t lying.

And now, I believed I could see him better.

He wouldn’t leave me behind again.

#andor x reader #andor #unplanned pregnancy #pregnancy #cassian x oc #cassian andor

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