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forsaken life

It's like God already decided to abandon us.

Like a wise man used to say, what's the point of this all? the happiness in here doesn't matter anymore as it is pointless. if everything that matter is beyond this world, then everything done or undone in this world is pointless. Like chasing a wind.

It's like doing horrible things deserved a reward.

What did I ever do to anyone for me to deserve this kind of life? what was it that i did wrong, what immoral, unforgivable mistake have i done to deserve all the things happening to me?

why are the people who have cut me deep, bled me out, and abused me are getting everything they desire? why are they happily living their life? what is it that they did to have that? after everything that they've done?

It's like being kind is a crime.

I have showed kindness to everyone but it has always been gone unnoticed. Not that I did all these actions for the sake of being recognized, but why am i being punished for it? how horrible must my kindness be, for them to give me this kind of pain in return?

how was it when I planted flowers in your garden while you were stomping on mine? how am i appearing to anyone for me to be treated like i don't deserve respect at all? is it such a bad thing to be alive?

does trying to survive is something to be ashamed of?

being able to show kindness and care despite all the horrible things I've been through since I was a child, is this what i deserve for it? do i have to get all horrible damn things and remain kind until I die?

i am aware, but at the same time don't want to be aware of what I currently am.

i am smart, kind, and beautiful. but it all means nothing in this life. how horrible it is to exist in this lifetime, in this life, in this kind of life.

i wouldn't wish to be alive at all. i have a choice, i did take a path. a good path, but horrible things keep happening. what is it that i did to deserve all this? i was kind. i am kind. but why me?

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i am stuck in an eternal state of yearning in which i romanticise and fantasise about all the lovers and lives i will never experience.

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How do I describe the feeling of being in pain because no matter how much I have shown my true self, the values I put on, and the love & care I have given wasn't reciprocated to me yet those were the things given freely to others- without them needing to show the one man that I love, to give it to them?

What's the word for the sadness that I feel when all I could think about was how badly I have wanted love and care since I was a child, but somehow the people around me thought I don't deserve it and have treated me otherwise?

How do I say that no matter how much pain they've inflicted upon me, no matter the pain their actions have altered my beliefs, and how much pain and sadness I have endured for everything they've done to me- I still have the heart to welcome them in my life, love them, care for them, and forgive them like they did nothing?

Lastly, how do I tell myself that no matter how patient and forgiving I am to them, I should free myself from lingering and hoping for love, kindness, and acceptance from them?

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Maggie Stiefvater, Linger

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You hold yourself so well, people would never suspect you're going through hell.

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a reminder of why I had to let go-

He has exhibited obvious reasons that he is not the one for me. I still adore him and he still holds a special place in my heart. But that’s all because of who I am, not because of who he is. I still love him, not because of who he is,but because I am capable of loving someone genuinely. I may not be a part of his life right now or in the coming years, but I am relieved of the fact that I am capable of loving nonetheless. I don’t ask of anything in return from the love that I give, no matter how much I badly want it. No matter how painful it is. I will still love. I will still show how much I love someone, no matter who the person is, or what they’ve done to me. I sill still forgive and give love. Because that’s who I am. 

This love is not limited to failed romantic relationships, but to unrequited familial and platonic love. I know that I am a kind and loving person. An honest love is what I can give. I am not perfect, sometimes I fail to show my love to them, sometimes I do hurt them. Sometimes I fail to be there. I can come up with all the reasons as to why I can’t, but that won’t matter. However, I know and God knows how much I love the people around me and how much I value their presence and the memories we’ve shared. That’s who I am. I will always love, I will always give- without asking or expecting anything in return. 

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“I think writers use absolutely everything that happens to us, and surely if I had had a different sort of childhood and still come out a writer, I’d be a different kind of writer.”

— Octavia E. Butler

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㋡🥀

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instagram | myfrenchmap

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Albert Dros

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“I owe myself the biggest apology for putting up with what I didn’t deserve.”

— Unknown

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Surround yourself with people who see your value, and remind you of it.

Unknown

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You cannot make everyone think and feel as deeply as you do. This is your tragedy … because you understand them, and they do not understand you.

Daniel Saint

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“The woman you are becoming will cost you people, relationships, spaces, and material things. Choose her over everything.”

— Unknown

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Made myself a monthly spread for 2023! (Printable version available on my Etsy.)