fifteen365-blog - Tumblr blog

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I haven't logged in for over a month

me. Just now. 

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Anime Desk Clerk

Person in line: I have the last paper you wanted me to fill out, will this be enough?

Desk Clerk: You fool. This isn't even my final form!

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This IS my final form

Today I had a long conversation with a co-worker about what would have gone down if instead of saying “You fools, this isn't even my final form!”, Frieza would have said “This IS my final form”.

Frieza: You fools! This IS my final form!

Vegeta: Oh, really? Well... that's not so bad.

Frieza:...

Trunks: Yeah. Like, this is gonna suck, but at least we know it can't get any worse. We'll figure it out.

Turns out in the actual series, Frieza never says this line. It never happened. The meme is a lie.

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falling off the wagon

it shouldn't be that hard. it feels like a chore. there are so many things I want to get out of my head and yet, I feel too lazy to do just that. I missed 2 days of simply writing things down. yes there was work, yes there was stuff, yes blah blah blah. Nobody cares. 

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13 hours

I worked for too long.

I just worked for 13 hours.

It was far too long. 

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baaa-dum

Jaws, probably.

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Edited

I feel as though Im too afraid to post anything. I wrote a very personal post and deleted it all at once for fear of posting it. then I wrote and deleted my explanation, wherein I admitted I was afraid, about 4 times before writing this. anxiety is getting the best of me today.. at least I sang a lot today. 

Stop your complaining.

It isn't going to help.

easier said. *typed.

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55

Today I learned I’m horrible at bowling. I didn't think I was going to be great, but I wasn’t even “just ok”. 55 was my final score. 54 was my score on the 9th frame. 

Any way, I’ve found it increasingly difficult to keep with 15 minutes of creativity every day. Even more so to tie that in to what I’m writing here. I guess my initial thought was that I would spend roughly 15 minutes a day creating something and then share it here as a collection. However, it turns out I find no interest in sharing scribbled pages of doodles, or videos of myself. One is boring and the other defeats the purpose of an attempt at anonymity altogether. 

In other words, I’m not sure what I’m doing here. I’ll still be checking in on spending my fifteen minutes a day of creative time because I’m not going to stop doing that, but I know this page won't be solely about that. what I know for sure is I have no idea what I’ll be posting on here. I only know the goal is a daily post. So here’s to tomorrow. 

Peeking up at me,

Marble round and dark blue eyes.

His hair is longer. 

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me: "ummmm..maybe I should stop using 'ummm' as a filler when I don't know what to say."

*long pause*

me: "I don't know what to say."

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first contact

Well it turns out someone reads these things. or at least read one of them. or looked at it long enough to reblog it. that’s pretty neat. 

Anyway, another day comes and goes and I feel only slightly more ahead of my yesterday self. I’ve started a new book and kept up my streak with recording videos of myself, so that felt good. I actually like the video recording thing. didn't think that would be the case. It feels sort of freeing when I watch it back to know that it was a moment in time that felt stressful to me, like I was being watched or scrutinized, but really it just came and went and nobody will ever care. I like that feeling. 

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Day 4 never existed.

To create a new habit you apparently need to practice it for anywhere between 3 weeks and 3 months depending on what you read or who you ask. So it’s not surprise to me that I would skip writing here yesterday. However, in keeping with the theme of 15 minutes of creative time a day, I don't think my day was wasted. Also, to be fair, a new game launched yesterday that I got stuck playing, and if this whole blogging thing isn’t a habit yet, there’s no way it’s going to beat out current habits. Anyway, here I am. I’ve also started to record videos of myself, just talking. I want to be more comfortable with how I look and sound, and hopefully that might help. 

If anyone’s reading this, what is a way that you tried to become more positive about the way you look or sound? Any thoughts?

Here’s to day 5. It is already infinitely more real than day 4. 

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What if they’re the same person? The impulsive person who acts without thinking then spends all their time anxiously thinking about the repercussions of their actions only to have that anxiety build up to the point where it fuels another outburst that was not thought through. And so the cycle continues. 

Impulsive people act too much without ever thinking, and anxious people think too much without ever acting

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Number 23

“take 5 minutes and write a haiku”

I have a list of roughly 30 things to do when I don't know where to start with my 15 minutes a day. A random number generator got me to number 23 today. It took me far less than 5 minutes and in the spirit of gut instincts and no editing, here it goes...

Didn’t work today

I spent all day on my phone

Could’ve done better

I couldn't have been more honest if I tried. Unless, of course, I included my trip to the store. what a day. 

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me:you just wrote "a but of a drama queen.".

also me: and I meant it.

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Joinme

in attempting to figure out just what the hell it is I am doing. 

The second day is harder. The second day has more “why?”’s Why even do this. Why am I whining. If you can’t tell yet, I am slightly dramatic. A but of a drama queen as my mother always said. 

I felt more forced to do this today. Maybe that’s good? or maybe it’s not anything. maybe it’s just neutral. Why does everything always have to be something.

I look around and think, would any of my idols do this? Have they done something like this? do I just think I’m far more important than I actually am? I guess it’s just a journal, but I’m asking for attention. But only the good attention. If it’s anonymous it can't be bad, and I’m to afraid to find out what it can be if it isn't anonymous. maybe, again (you already forgot what you wrote in the previous paragraph?) it isn't anything. It’s just neutral. It’s an exercise in being more me. More me. correcting course? like a ship. anchors away and bottoms up. 

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brain: did you really just make that post without proof reading?

also brain: is proof reading one word or two?

brain...again: touche.

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Fifteen Minutes a Day

The goal was to set aside a creative space for 15 minutes a day, for 365 days. Here I am. Day one. I’m afraid to share in a space where people know who I am. I’m not even sure if this space will afford me any anonymity, but I figured I’d give it a go. I spent the while day working, but just now started using a book I bought over a year ago. The Art of Getting Started. How appropriate that it should take me a whole year to begin. This book and other tools with be the tools I use to get me started on this journey to what I can only hope brings me a little more confidence, a little less anxiety, and a stronger creative muscle. Oh and a bunch of crap doodles, pictures, poems, and writings that I will do just to empty my brain every day. I know there will be bad ones. There could be good ones, but the bad ones are certain. That’s not the point. The point is not to care. whyamievenpunctuatingorusingcorrectgrammarwhenthewholepointIsToBeMoReCreaTive???? ...who knows..

All I know is I feel like I just started a long journey. Or I'm romanticizing another one of my ideas and I'll forget about this blog in less than a week... Only time will tell.