find-the-eyes - Tumblr blog

[find-the-eyes]

Hi there! I was asked by Lil on this tumblr handle to provide a .docx of one of my FF fics; unfortunately I can only save in .odt or .txt format. Would either be ok, and also, how can I send to you?

Thank you,

Nik

hey hey!! emailing to findtheeyes@gmail.com will work :) thanks!!!

-Lil

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once, Chapter 50

Written by: Sol, Beth

Edited by: Erin

Finally, everything in Alex’s flat was back to normal. Mostly. Nick was happy to be sleeping in Alex’s bed again, with Steckrübe curled up in a friend-shaped ball between them. Nick watched lazily, snuggled against Alex’s side, as Alex sketched in his sketchbook.

“Alex…?” Nick buried his face into Alex’s arm.

“Yeah? Is something wrong?”

“No, I just… want to talk about something,” Nick sighed.

Alex put his sketchbook down and snuggled Nick. “What’s up?”

“I don’t remember anything from the hospital, and… it’s bothering me.”

“Oh, well, I suppose not a lot happened, really.” Alex said this to reassure Nick, but it was true. That month was the longest that Alex had ever experienced, as he had spent most of it waiting for Nick to recover. He had tried to distract himself in between visits, but as time dragged on his mind only wandered back to Nick in the hospital. “Paul, Bob and I visited every day. We knew you wouldn’t want to be alone. The nurses seemed to take good care of you though, but they’re all so busy that they weren’t always around.” 

"I...don't remember any of it, really," Nick admitted. Between all of his medications, all of the pain, and the amount of time he had spent asleep, the whole month was a dark blur in his memory.

“You don’t remember anything at all?”

“No… but I remember writing something...” Nick asked, not entirely sure which of his memories were actually real.

“Oh! Your letter!” Alex reached over to the drawer on his nightstand and pulled out a folded piece of paper. “I keep it in there.”

Nick grinned, “you have it?”

“Of course I do! I still read it sometimes…”

“I don’t really know what I said.”

"You said you love me, for the first time," Alex said with a smile. “Well, not the first time. You had this little word board you would tap and you kept tapping the ‘I love you’ box… but I thought you were joking!”

Nick blushed and buried his face in the blanket, “oh, I think I remember that now! I was so worried that I would never be able to tell you…”

“I was worried too. It was really scary, Nick. You were all floppy and pale and just looked dead…”

“Yeah?” 

“Are you alright? Am I upsetting you?”

Nick shook his head, “keep going. I want to know more.”

Alex could have sworn he heard Nick’s voice break, but he continued anyway. “I was worried. I know it’s the last thing you want to hear, but we all had trouble believing you would make it.”

Nick couldn’t think of what to say, but squeezed Alex tightly. Alex wrapped both arms around Nick, reciprocating the firm yet gentle squeeze. 

“I’m sorry,” Alex whispered as he rested his face on the top of Nick’s head, almost speaking into his hair, “I was just so worried. I was afraid you wouldn’t be able to come back home.” 

“I’m here, now.” Nick reassured Alex softly, smiling into his chest. He didn’t ever want to spend such a long time away from him again. 

“I know. I’m so happy you are,” Alex carefully dragged his hand up and down Nick’s arm, cherishing how alive and warm Nick felt now compared to how he was in the hospital. 

The two sat in silence for a little while and held each other, savoring being able to get this close to each other once again. Then, Nick remembered something else from his time in the hospital. 

“Did… did Lukas visit?”

Alex’s eyes shot open. “What?”

“I remember him… I saw him, but I don’t know if it was real.”

“I couldn’t get hold of him, Nick. I’m sorry.” Alex stroked Nick’s hair and prayed that Nick wouldn’t remember that Alex had called Lukas. 

Nick breathed a sigh of relief; he didn’t want Lukas to worry about him anymore than he already had. I’ve caused him enough pain. But more memories from the hospital started to resurface in Nick’s mind, and he had a feeling that Alex wasn’t being entirely honest.

Nick suddenly tensed up. “I told you not to call him.”

Alex stared wide-eyed at the wall. Shit. 

“I… don’t remember you saying that, Nick.” Alex had no clue as to how Nick knew that he’d called Lukas, but grasped that the jig was up. 

“Well, I couldn’t exactly say it,” Nick held up his left hand, which had started twitching. “But I remember you telling me something…”

As Nick tried to recall their conversation, Alex suddenly began to feel uneasy. I can’t tell him. I can’t.

Nick slowly sat up and turned to look Alex in the eye. “Why didn’t he come to see me when you called?”

Alex took a deep breath. There was no point in lying anymore. 

“I’m sorry, Nick. I lied to you. I did speak to him, but…” Alex braced himself for what he was about to say. He had no idea how Nick would react. “He… didn’t want to come. He didn’t say why. I suppose he didn’t say much at all.”

Nick’s heart sank, and he slowly lay himself back down on the bed, his body becoming limp. “He must hate me.”

“No. No, he doesn’t,” Alex reassured him, although unsure of what he was saying, “no one who took care of you like he did would ever hate you. Plus, it’s a long way from Munich to Glasgow.”

Nick sighed, still not convinced, and pressed his face into Alex’s side. 

“It’s hard to see someone you love in the state you were in, Nick… he might not have wanted to see you like that again, especially since it’s not the first time you’ve been in a hospital. It could have been anything, really. He doesn’t hate you.”

Nick didn’t reply; he lacked the energy to think, let alone discuss this. He once again wrapped his arms around Alex, then fell asleep. Alex gazed down at him and frowned. I hope he’ll understand in the morning.

Alex slunk down the bed and cuddled closer to Nick, wrapping the duvet around them snugly to keep Nick warm. He listened to Nick’s slow and steady breathing before drifting off to sleep. 

--------

Nick was floating in complete darkness, a powerful force pulling him towards a couple of distant blurs in front of him against his will. As he drifted closer he could hear their muffled voices, and after a moment he could just about make out a few words that were spoken in German. He couldn’t tell what the two people were talking about, but it was clear that they were both furious. 

Nick lay still so that he didn’t draw attention to himself, and tried to concentrate on the conversation below. Wait… below? It was suddenly clear that he was floating above the two figures. Am I dead? Suddenly a bolt of hot agony ripped through his chest. Nick screamed out, his voice echoing, but neither of the men could hear him. If he could, he would have cried out again for help, but all he could do was gasp and choke. 

“Dein Bruder…” barked one of the men to the other, along with other words that Nick still couldn’t hear. “Verpiss dich!” replied the other. Nick immediately recognized that voice. Lukas!

Nick tried to call his brother’s name, but no sounds left his lips. He thrashed around in the air, trying with everything he had to reach down to Lukas. He threw all of his energy into the ground below him, until he crashed down onto the floor. Lukas and the other man disappeared, leaving Nick alone on the pavement, blood pouring out of him. He gasped and spluttered and…

“Nick? Nick!” 

Nick opened his eyes and saw another blurry figure, this time above him. He blinked a few times to clear his eyes and drew a deep, welcome breath before involuntarily gasping Alex’s name. 

“Are you ok?!?”

As Nick snapped out of his nightmare, he began to realize that he was laying on the floor of Alex’s bedroom. His body was drained of energy after a fit so powerful that it threw him from the bed, and all Nick could do was stare up at Alex, still bleary-eyed. A haze of light surrounded his boyfriend, and Nick couldn’t help but gaze in awe at the sight. 

“You had a nightmare?” Alex helped Nick up and watched as he groggily crawled back onto the bed. 

Nick nodded and blinked some tears out of his eyes. He grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around himself. 

“Alright… I’ll be here if you need me,” Alex turned off the bedside lamp and climbed back into bed next to Nick. 

Not even twenty minutes later, Nick was back in the same nightmare, this time with his face on the concrete, trying his best to stay conscious. He could feel the blood pooling under himself. “Lukas,” Nick gasped out, seeing a figure a few feet, or meters, or kilometers away. “Lukas—”

Nick wanted to drag himself onto the pavement, to make it to get some medical attention, to get patched up and go home like nothing ever happened. But Lukas wasn’t there yet.

Upon hearing Nick calling for help, Alex shot up from his half-asleep state. “Nick?” He saw Nick thrashing and writhing next to him, and gently shook him to wake him up.

Even after he opened his eyes, Nick was still calling for Lukas.

“Nick, please, it’s just me,” Alex whispered, brushing Nick’s hair out of his face and trying to calm him down.

Nick blinked a few times, “Alex.”

“You’re alright.”

Nick rolled back onto his side and pulled up the blankets around himself again. Alex wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, squeezing him reassuringly. 

"Do you want to call him, Nick?" Nick craned his neck to look at Alex and nodded.

Alex reached over to the bedside cabinet and grabbed Nick’s phone. He searched for Lukas' number within it and then handed the phone to Nick as it rang.

Lukas answered on the eighth ring, each one causing Nick’s heart to beat faster. 

“Hello?”

“Lukas? It...it’s Nick.”

“Nick?” Lukas said, his voice heavy with sleep. “Wow, it’s great to hear your voice. Is everything alright? It’s so late…”

“It’s only one in the morning here, I—”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. Are you ok?”

Nick smiled with a touch of relief, and Alex noticed him relax a little. While Alex was glad that their conversation was going seemingly well, he was still furious at him; why hadn’t he come to Glasgow, or even sent a text asking how Nick was doing?

“I’m ok now. What… what have you been up to?”

Alex wanted to shout down the phone: where the fuck have you been? What the fuck have you been up to while your brother was on his deathbed?

“I’ve been working a lot, doing band stuff… I’ve... I’m just busy, really.”

Alex could tell what Lukas had said based on the way Nick’s body had sunk back into his former crumpled position, a frown returning to his pale face.

“I miss you,” Nick blurted out after a few moments of silence, “I want to see you.”

“Nick, I told you when you left that I probably wouldn’t be able to visit.”

Both brothers were silent for what felt like a lifetime, except for the occasional, almost muted sound of Nick trying to stifle his tears, which Lukas could hear. 

“But, I suppose a lot might have changed since then.”

Nick’s ears pricked up at his brother’s words, unsure of what he meant by this. The continued silence was too painful to bear.

“Still there, Luk?”

“Yeah, sorry.” Lukas sighed, and continued his silence for a moment more. “You’re in a band now, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Nick responded, “we haven’t practiced in a while, considering I was nearly dead, but…”

Nick paused as he realized what he had just said. All he could hear on the other end was a sharp intake of breath, then silence. 

As Nick tried to think of something else to change the subject, Lukas finally broke the silence.

“Would you guys like to come to Munich to open for my band? Are you feeling well enough to?”

“Yes, absolutely,” Nick answered without even thinking, “we’d love that.”

“Fantastic! Can you come over in a couple of weeks? On the 15th? It’s at…”

“Lukas?” Nick didn’t understand his brother’s silence. “Are you still there?”

“Yeah, I’m here. It’s at Das Haus. Is that ok?”

“Of course! I’m so excited, Luk! It’s been so long since--”

“Me too, Nitzki. I need to go to sleep now, but I promise I’ll call you again very soon.”

“Ok, goodnight Lukas. And… I can’t wait to see you.”

“You too, Nitzki. I’m… I’m really glad you’re ok. Goodnight.”

Nick grinned from ear to ear as he told Alex of Lukas’ proposition.

Alex couldn’t help but smile back, but inside he felt uneasy. He didn’t trust grand gestures, especially when they were made by people who had proven to be unreliable. To himself, Alex swore that if Lukas hurt Nick at all, he would live to regret it.  

--

Although Paul wasn’t even ten feet away from him, Bob felt alone.

Why won’t he sleep with me?

Bob sat up in the midnight darkness, knowing that he wouldn’t fall asleep. He saw Paul’s floppy mop of black hair poking out from the blankets on the other mattress on the opposite side of the room. 

He slept with me for a whole month, and now… Bob sighed as he gently pushed back the covers.

Bob decided to leave his bed for the living room, and upon standing up looked back at the pride flag hanging above his bed. Usually when he saw the huge flag that took up half the wall, Bob felt grateful. He was proud of himself for finally gathering the confidence to come out to the world, albeit slowly. However, whenever he spotted the flag as of late, he mostly just felt upset. When they gave him the flag, Bob’s parents had seen him and Paul as a perfect, happy couple. A couple that went on dates and called them dates. A couple that cuddled and kissed and got along.

Bob couldn’t understand why Paul would kiss him and hold him some days and not on others, and he certainly couldn’t fathom why that was as far as they had ever gotten.

He sleeps with Dino, so why not me? And we’re so much closer than he and Dino are… At least I think so…

Bob quietly crept out of the bedroom and began to tiptoe his way to the living room, until a wave of anger washed over him. Why should I do anything for him? He resumed his way to the living room, almost stomping his feet as he went.  

Bob threw himself down onto the sofa in a huff and crossed his arms. Why doesn’t he want me like that? What’s so fucking special about Dino?

His anger turned into rage as his mind dwelled on Paul and Dino together, doing things with each other that Bob wanted to do with Paul. He couldn’t get the image of the two of them together on New Years Eve: the way the two men danced together, gazing into the other’s eyes, grazing body parts against body parts...  

He grabbed a cushion from the sofa and threw it as hard has he could across the room. It bounced off the wall and landed on a sleeping Alvy, who, rudely awakened, let out a confused yelp. Alvy then jumped out of his bed and ran around it in rapid circles, barking furiously at the intruding item.

Bob tried in vain to calm his furry friend, who only ceased his barking when Paul stumbled into the room and switched on the light. Alvy stared at the cushion, confused, then returned to his bed, using the cushion as a pillow. Bob looked over at Paul, who was wearing only his pajama bottoms; Bob couldn’t help but stare at the dark-haired man’s naked torso, admiring the way shadows emphasized the angles of his body, every rib, his hip bones… He’s so beautiful. I hate him.

“Bob?” Paul’s croaking voice brought Bob back to reality. “What are you doing up? Is Alvy alright?”

“I couldn’t sleep, and yeah, he is. I just, uh, accidentally stepped on his tail. He’s ok now, though. Sorry we woke you up.”

“Ah, that’s ok, pal. Was just worried about Alvy.” Bob internally winced at Paul’s final word. Pal. Is that all I am to you?

Paul, too tired to notice that anything was the matter, yawned and rubbed his eyes. “I should head back to bed. Are you coming?”

Bob hesitated before answering, afraid to ask what he really wanted to. Paul, while waiting expectantly for a response, finally recognized that something wasn’t quite right. “Bob? Are you ok?”

“Yes. Yeah, I’m fine.” Bob had no idea how to honestly answer that question without sounding pathetic, but was desperate enough for human contact that he decided it was worth the risk. “Could you… Please could you stay with me tonight? In my bed? Or yours, I don’t mind.” The words tumbled out of Bob’s mouth faster than he could stop them. “We don’t have to do anything, I just want to be with you tonight… if that’s okay.”

It was Paul’s turn to hesitate, only for a few seconds. He reached out his hand to Bob, who took it and followed Paul to the bedroom. 

Paul took them to Bob’s bed, and lay down first. Bob lay on his side next to him, unsure of how close he was allowed to come, but Paul wrapped an arm around Bob’s shoulders with one arm and brought his body closer with the other. Bob savoured this moment and tightened the embrace, wrapping his own arms around Paul’s waist and nuzzling his face into Paul’s neck; it felt like heaven when Paul let him get this close.

It wasn’t long before Bob heard a faint snoring next to his ear. I suppose our chat will have to wait. Again.

“You told me you loved me,” Bob whispered to Paul, stroking his hair as he slept, “do you?”

Bob sighed and tried to finally get some sleep himself. He had so little time with Paul -- between their differing schedules and Paul’s emotional unavailability. They could have dinner together, some nights, if Paul wasn’t off running errands for a friend, or fixing something, and coming home with 150 pounds and a smile. Or maybe they could sit on the sofa and watch whatever cheesy game show was on as Bob worked on his homework and Paul did… whatever he did. At the moment, Bob wanted to savor every moment, stay up forever just enjoying the feeling of finally being in Paul’s arms, but he couldn’t. He had class the next day. Photography. With Alex. Bob needed to sleep. When he eventually did, still in Paul’s embrace, Bob dreamt of his sort-of-but-not-really boyfriend and all the things he wanted them to do together, his heart heavy even as he slept.

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once, Chapter 49

Written by: Erin, Beth, Sol, Allegra Edited by: Erin, Sol

“Did I tell you we have a party to go to tonight?”

Nick looked up from his textbook and closed it abruptly, glad to have an excuse to abandon his schoolwork. “No...it’s New Year’s Eve, right?”

“Yeah, it is. Someone should get you a calendar,” Alex laughed, “you want to go get ready? We have to be there at nine.”

“Do we have to walk there?”

“I think so. It’ll be a 20 minute walk.”

“... I don’t know if I can…” Nick trailed off with a sigh.

“That doesn’t matter for now. Just get ready, alright?”

Nick nodded, standing up and stretching. Alex smiled at Nick’s slightly-too-small t-shirt riding up over his stomach, exposing a strip of pale skin. Nick noticed Alex’s gaze and playfully smacked his shoulder with a giggle. “D’you think I need to shower?”

“Yeah, sure,” Alex replied. “I could...do you need help?”

“I think I’m good.”

“Oh,” Alex said, his expression falling as he watched Nick retreat down the hall on his crutches. “Are you sure you can stand for that long?”

“I dunno. Maybe? We’ll see,” Nick shrugged. “I’ll just sit if I have to.”

Alex bit his lip as Nick shut the bathroom door behind him. “O-okay.” He slowly returned to the living room, sitting down on the sofa and flipping on the TV. He tried his best to focus on the cooking program that was on, but every time he heard a little sound coming from the bathroom, his attention was diverted. He’s fine. Don’t worry about him. He can take care of himsel-

THUNK!

Alex leapt to his feet and bolted to the bathroom. “Nick?!” He yanked the door open and threw the shower curtain aside to find Nick standing upright, clutching a bottle of shampoo.

Nick gasped and whipped around to stare at Alex. “What?!”

“I…” Alex faltered. “I heard a noise and I- I thought you got hurt-”

“Oh, yeah. Dropped the shampoo. I’m fine.”

“Oh...uh...okay,” Alex said quietly. “Are you sure-”

Nick frowned. “I told you I was fine…”

“Sorry, love,” Alex said quietly. He backed out of the bathroom and shut the door behind him sheepishly.

Alex returned to his spot on the sofa, his heart still pounding and his mind still reeling with worst possible scenarios. He wanted nothing more than to make sure Nick was okay, watch over him at all times, help him with small tasks. But Nick was recovering, and Alex needed to accept that, needed to stop treating everything like a life or death situation.

A short while later, the boys headed out of the flat, fully bundled up to ward off the winter chill. Nick had decided on a red button-down shirt and a pair of sparkly black bell-bottom trousers, while Alex had changed into a pink shirt and black skinny jeans.

As they slowly made their way to the party, Nick’s already shortened breath became even more ragged as he began to recognise his surroundings. It looks like we’re near the… No, it can’t be…

Turning the corner, his eyes confirmed what his brain already knew: it was the abandoned building where he used to live. Bad memories came flooding back momentarily, until he noticed that it didn’t look quite the same as it did before. Whilst it was still clearly derelict, it looked somehow tidier from the outside, as if someone had fixed it up: the front door had been painted a bright blue, and the broken windows had been boarded up with plywood that was painted bright colours.

As Nick paused to examine his old haunt further, he realised that he could hear music coming from inside the building.

“Alex,” Nick looked at his boyfriend with befuddlement, “what is going on?”

Alex beamed. “Surprise,” he said, giving Nick a peck on the cheek. “While you were in the hospital, Paul and Bob and I helped fix the place up. It’s still not perfect, but it’s way nicer than it was before!”

Nick could only stare at the building, his mouth agape. Alex noticed this and began to panic. Oh shit, was this not a good idea?

“Nick, are you ok?” No response. “Nick? What do you think?”

Nick wasn’t sure what to think. Did he really want to venture into a place with so many bad memories?

Nick’s contemplation was interrupted by Alex placing a hand softly on his shoulder.

“I promise it’ll be ok, Nick.” Nick gazed at the taller man, who gave him a reassuring smile. With that, Nick linked one arm with Alex’s and they slowly began to make their way inside.

Nick’s jaw nearly dropped as he saw his former home. The lights inside were bright, broken lightbulbs replaced by warm, yellow light. The walls were painted white with splashes of bright color on the back wall. Fairy lights framed each window, the broken panes replaced with brightly painted plywood.

The once uninhabitable building was now a beautiful space filled with people and upbeat music. It was completely unrecognizable apart from the rafters above them, but even that had been cleaned up and decorated with lights, colourful paint, and tapestries.

“What do you think, Nick?” Nick awoke from his mesmerized state and stared slack-jawed at Alex for a moment before replying.

“I love it.” He barely managed to whisper, still in shock.

Alex, just able to hear Nick’s soft words, carefully wrapped his arms around his wide-eyed love. “Do you want to go sit down? I’ll bring you a hot chocolate?” Nick beamed at these words.

“I’ll be right back, then.” Alex helped Nick into a soft armchair and kissed him on the cheek as he went to find his love a nice, warm drink. Nick continued exploring the room with his eyes. He just couldn’t get over how neat and cosy this former hovel had become.

Nick was jolted out of his trance by a new presence next to him. He looked over, expecting to see Alex with a warm cup of hot cocoa. Instead, he was greeted by a pair of legs swathed in hot pink leopard print leggings. He looked up and saw a bright pink sparkling vest that left little to the imagination, and looking up further still Nick saw a familiar, grinning face.

“Dino?”

“Hi Nick, you look wonderful this evening.” Dino, though as gregarious as ever, wasn’t quite as flirty as he normally was: no lewd comments, no intense stares. Knowing that Nick hadn’t been at his best, Dino knew that now was not the time to hit on Nick; that could wait for another day.

“You seem well! How are you doing?”

“Um, I’m better. Thank you.” Nick smiled at the sparkling man in front of him. Despite what Alex had previously said about him, Nick liked Dino. He was unusual, but friendly, and seemed to genuinely care about Nick's wellbeing.

As the two were chatting, Nick noticed some shuffling in Dino’s vest. Dino, upon noticing Nick’s curiosity, reached inside and pulled out a tan and white rat in a vest that was just as sparkly and pink as Dino’s. Nick gasped at this wondrous sight.

“You remember Peanut, yeah?” Dino proudly showed off his beloved pet.

Nick nodded and grinned as Peanut twitched her little nose and started making her way towards him. She eventually curled up in a ball on his lap.

“She likes you!” Dino beamed with pride, grateful that someone else loved his rat almost as much as he did.

“Thanks for the birthday gift,” Nick said softly, remembering the rat plush he had at home.

“You’re so welcome! I saw the rat plush at IKEA and knew I had to get it for you! Have you named it?”

“Not yet,” Nick laughed, patting Peanut again.

“Maybe Steve? After my rat?”

Nick kept laughing at the prospect of a rat named Steve. “Maybe!” He took the opportunity of a short silence to look up at Dino. Nick never understood why Alex hated him so much — he was always kind and polite, at least to him. Maybe things were different at art school.

As soon as Dino got back to rambling about his new rat playground, a cup of hot cocoa plopped into Nick’s hands. Alex sat down beside him and squeezed his arm gently.

Nick laughed as the warmth from the hot cocoa gently misted his face. “Sure is strange being back here,” he sighed.

“In a good way?”

“Of course! It’s beautiful…” Nick trailed off as he kept looking around the space.

Suddenly, Dino and Peanut scurried off in a pink-vested blur. Alex looked to Nick, confused as to what Dino could be scurrying towards. However, upon approaching the dance floor, Alex saw that Paul was away from the DJ booth.

Upon seeing Dino approaching Paul, Bob froze from behind the DJ booth. Shit. Being left alone to manage the music was difficult enough — but having to watch Paul flirt with Dino, powerless behind giant, clunky headphones?

Bob shook his thoughts away and refocused on the task at hand — making sure that no one at this party got bored of the music choices. There was only an hour left until midnight, after all, and he had to play bangers while not wasting all of the good songs. Despite his focus on his task,  he couldn’t stop looking up at Paul and Dino — is Dino flirting? Why is Paul laughing? What the hell is so—

Bob nearly jumped when he felt a tap on his shoulder. “What—” he removed one side of his headphones and looked up at Alex standing behind him.

“I’ve got it. Prince House Rabbit on the decks,” Alex grinned.

“No, seriously— Prince House Rabbit?”

“Just go get your boy, Bob. We can talk about DJ names later.”

Bob took off his headphones and shoved them into Alex’s hands. “Play the Cha Cha Slide. It always does some good crowd control.”

As Bob walked away, he grinned, recognizing the Cha Cha Slide beginning to play over the speakers. He then heard the unmistakable pat pat pat of Nick scrambling to catch up to him on his crutches.

Bob’s smile quickly faded as he saw Paul brushing Dino’s hair out of his face. “Oh, absolutely not,” he muttered, apparently loud enough for Nick to hear over the Cha Cha Slide.

“Are you okay?” Nick gently nudged Bob with his shoulder, not wanting to lose his balance.

“Yeah, I—”

“We can do something else, if you want,” Nick glanced at Bob and then quickly looked away, “get a snack or something?”

Before Bob could even respond, Nick was wobbling off towards the snack table, where it was much less chaotic than close to the DJ booth.

“Dino was so nice to me earlier,” Nick scooped some pretzels onto a small paper plate, “now I know why you all don’t like him.”

“If he’s nice to you, then—”

“He’s flirting with your boyfriend, Bob!”

“We’re not—” Before Bob could finish his response, Nick was already wobbling away to the sofa near the snacks, trying not to drop his plate.

“We’re not dating,” Bob clarified once he met Nick at the sofa with his snacks.

Nick nodded thoughtfully, “then why are you so upset?”

“Because I love him, and I want to date him, but he’s—” Bob sighed, “I don’t think he values me like that.”

“I’m sure he does,” Nick fiddled with a stray piece of thread on the sofa, “he might just not know how to show it.”

“Well, it would sure help if he wasn’t over there flirting with Dino.”

“You’re right,” Nick sighed, wondering if just not talking anymore would be better than possibly hurting Bob’s feelings. He looked over at Alex, who noticed him and made a heart with his hands.

“Do you think we should go get him?” Bob looked over at Paul again. Dino was too close to him, and he didn’t seem to mind. Seemingly, he didn’t notice Bob at all.

“No, we can…” Nick trailed off, realizing just how affectionate Paul and Dino were being. “We can go tell him off later.”

“Wait, Nick--” Bob laughed to himself, “you really used to live here?”

“Yeah, for a few months,” Nick shrugged, “maybe the worst few months of my life.”

“I almost didn’t believe Paul when he told me why we were fixing this place up,” Bob looked around at the elaborate renovation, “you were always just sort of a mystery to me.”

“I lived up there,” Nick looked up towards the rathers, “I’d like to go up there just to see…”

“We can go, if you want,” Bob offered, wanting to get his mind off of Paul and Dino.

“How do we get up there, though? I don’t think I can do the rope ladder yet…” Nick sighed and got up from the sofa, trying to see an alternate way to the rafters.

“We could try the back,” Bob suggested, glancing towards the roped off area past the snack section. “I mean, there has to be a way to get up there back there, you know?”

Nick nodded and slowly made his way towards the roped off area. “Do you know where this goes?”

Bob grabbed a flashlight from one of the cabinets near the snacks. “I thought you would,” Bob hopped over the caution tape blocking off the hall. “Can you clear this?”

“Can try,” Nick clumsily swung over the barrier, nearly slipping in the dust on the floor.

Once Nick was steady, Bob trekked through the hall, blindly leading the way with the nearly-defunct flashlight. The floorboards creaked under his feet, nearly matching the beat of Nelly’s “Hot In Herre” playing from the other room. What the fuck, Alex?

Shaking his thoughts of Alex’s terrible music choice -- he just came over from Greece a few months ago, I should give him a break -- Bob looked over his shoulder to make sure Nick was following him.

“I-I think I should have a break, Bob,” Nick straggled along a few yards behind Bob. He looked around for somewhere to rest, but found that every available surface was coated in a thick layer of dust.

“Just a bit further,” Bob waited for Nick to catch up with him.

Nick, afraid of being left in the dark, scrambled up to Bob and leaned on him. Bob, not wanting Nick to topple over, slid a hand around his waist. “Is that okay?”

“Perfect,” Nick responded, “thanks.”

Bob stayed silent, recalling his day spent with Nick asleep next to him. He didn’t want to admit that they cuddled, but now… now that Paul was off flirting with Dino and he had Nick right here with him…

“... Do you remember cuddling with me, Nick?” Bob asked as they approached a staircase.

“I can’t do stairs yet.”

“But the cuddles, Nick.”

“I know I fell asleep on you a couple weeks ago. I’m sorry about that.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Bob smiled, “I’m glad I was there for you.”

Nick nodded and broke away from Bob, wobbling towards the stairs on his crutches. “How do I get up there?”

“Try crawling? I’ll— I’ll spot you.”

Nick nodded and got down on his hands and knees. Bob carried Nick’s crutches as he slowly followed him up the stairs, until they reached a door. Bob busted the door open to find a small corridor leading to the rafters.

Bob grabbed Nick’s hand to help him back on his feet, and steadied him on his crutches before continuing into the hallway. Nick’s limbs were sore from crawling up the wooden staircase, but he refused to let the pain show on his face.

“Looks like we’re almost there,” Bob reassured Nick, whose breathing was noticeably heavier. However, Nick was determined to reach their destination without needing a break, and the two of them let the light at the end of the hallway guide them.

Soon the narrow hallway opened up into the large space that was once Nick’s former home, but he hardly recognized it. Two couches and a recliner replaced what used to be a pile of blankets, and strings of lights were wrapped around the newly painted rafters over their heads.

“Oh wow,” Bob broke the silence as they looked around in awe. “It’s so nice and cozy up here.” During the renovation, Bob dedicated his time to painting the walls downstairs and hadn’t gotten a chance to see the rafters until now.

“It didn’t always look like this.” Nice and cozy was the last way Nick would describe this place a few months ago. Paul really did an incredible job renovating the place, even more noticeably so as they approached the couches and spotted a maroon rug on the floor that matched the pillows.

Nick sat himself down on one of the couches, grateful to finally be able to rest, and Bob followed, plopping down next to him on the comfortable cushion.

“Your boyf— I mean— Paul really knows how to fix up a building.” Bob could only respond with a sad laugh, amused with Nick’s caution of referring to Paul as his boyfriend, but also hurt by the reminder that he wasn’t.

The flashy lights from the dancefloor below illuminated their spot, and the booming bass from another awful pop song slightly vibrated the rafters underneath them. Bob smiled at Alex’s continued horrible song choices, but his smile slowly faded when he recognized two figures below them on the dance floor. Bob could spot Paul a mile away, and Dino’s bright pink outfit was hard to miss.

Nick, who had been silently observing Bob from beside him, followed his gaze to the couple. It was uncomfortable for the both of them to watch the way Paul and Dino were pressed against each other, their bodies practically melted together and swaying to the music. Nick felt Bob tense up next to him as Dino then began to lean in until his lips crashed into Paul’s. Bob’s heart immediately sunk, and his stomach churned.

“It makes you sad, doesn’t it?” Nick asked, barely loud enough over the music for Bob to hear.

“More like it breaks my heart.” Bob stared at his hands, afraid to look up and even catch a glimpse of the nightmare unfolding below him.

“I’m sorry.” Nick wasn’t entirely sure what else to say, but he hated seeing Bob so sad. Nick put an arm around Bob’s shoulders as he began to shake and tears began to roll down his cheeks.

Bob knew that he and Paul weren’t a couple, but he still wasn’t entirely sure why. How could Paul say that he loved him, but then sleep with someone else? Did he even mean it?

“Has Alex ever told you that he loves you?”

There was a brief silence as Nick contemplated telling Bob the truth, but he ultimately decided that he trusted Bob and responded with a “yes.”

Bob ignored the slight pang of jealousy stemming from whatever feelings he still had left for Alex. “How do you know that he really means it?” Bob needed to know what true love actually looks like, because he was sure it wasn’t what he was receiving from Paul.

“Well,” Nick started, “he takes care of me. He’s patient with me, and loyal.” Nick had never described Alex like this to someone before, and his heart fluttered as he reflected on the many loving moments they shared. “He makes me feel loved. It’s a feeling, not just words. It’s the way he looks at me.”

Nick’s voice drifted off and Bob wiped his eyes before tilting his head to look at Nick. Nick wasn’t looking directly at Bob, but staring off into the distance somewhere next to his head, his blue eyes sparkling and a small smile tugging at his lips. Bob guessed the look Nick was talking about was the same one in his eyes right now as he described Alex.

Bob confessed his biggest fear, “I don’t think Paul loves me.” Bob looked back to the dancefloor but Paul and Dino were nowhere to be seen, having either shifted out of his sight or gone to another area for more privacy. “He says he does, but how could he do this to me?”

Nick couldn’t even imagine the pain he’d feel if Alex were to ever kiss someone else in front of him. “Maybe you need to talk to him, tell him you don’t want him seeing Dino anymore.”

Bob sighed, “You’re right, it's just hard to get anything out of him sometimes. Relationships confuse him, I think.”

“He does care about you. He looks at you differently.”

“Really?” Bob asked, looking back at Nick who gave him a reassuring smile.

“Yeah, like how Alex looks at me.”

Next thing Bob knew, Nick’s face began to lean into his, causing his heart to beat faster. Before Bob could stop him or ask what he was doing, Nick gently pressed his lips against Bob’s cheek. Despite the innocence of the gesture, Bob still felt his face burn, and he missed the feeling of Nick’s soft lips as soon as he pulled away. Bob had forgotten that Nick’s arm was around him until it slipped off as he stood up. “C’mon, let’s not let this ruin your New Years.”

Bob grabbed Nick’s hand to stop him before standing up. “Thank you, Nick.” It felt good getting this off of his chest to someone, and Bob couldn’t imagine a better person to talk to than Nick. Both of them couldn’t seem to stop smiling as they trekked through the corridor, and Bob sensed the beginning of a new friendship.

Nick carefully made his way back down the stairs, and with Bob’s help, the both of them were able to return to the dance floor before midnight. “Let’s see how Alex is holding up,” Bob suggested, locking his eyes on the DJ booth and refusing to let them stray to sights he didn’t want to see.

“Hey, where have you guys been?” Alex asked as they approached him. Nick sensed an annoyance in his stance, but regardless Alex looked grateful to see his boyfriend and his best friend.

“Talking,” was all Bob responded with as he grabbed a nearby stool for Nick and placed it next to Alex’s. When Nick sat down, he caught a glimpse at the time from Alex’s laptop. 11:50.

“What are you thinking of playing at midnight?” Nick asked, peering up at the laptop screen Alex was scrolling on with ravenous intensity.

“You’ll see,” Alex kept scrolling.

Bob leaned against the booth and let his mind wander. He wanted to see Paul and wanted to spend his New Years with him, but he still felt uneasy over the whole situation with Dino. Bob dared to look towards the dance floor for the first time since talking with Nick, and although it was crowded, he was able to spot Paul who was by himself this time, grabbing a drink from the snacks table.

Suddenly, three blonde girls from Alex’s studio art class who were wearing sparkly gold dresses and heels that looked impossible to walk in approached the DJ booth. “Could you play that new Libertines song?” One of them asked.

“After midnight,” Alex sighed, exasperated, adding the song to his endless list of requests.

“And, while I’m here, why haven’t you guys played a gig in so long?”

Alex ignored the question, or couldn’t hear it. This left Nick or Bob to speak up.

“Well…” Nick started, too softly for anyone to hear him.

“Midterms!” Bob interrupted.

“Get back to gigs soon?” The girl inquired.

“Of course.”

“If you see Paul on the floor,” Alex took off his headphones to speak to the girls, “could you tell him to get back to managing his own party?”

The girls walked away, but Paul was already on his way back to the booth. “Well would you look who it is,” Alex said in a bitter tone, “Managed to pull yourself away?” Bob noticed the glare Alex and Nick were giving Paul, and matched it with one of his own. Paul shifted on his feet, obviously uncomfortable.

“Look, I’m sorry I was gone for so long. Can I—”

“No,” Alex interrupted, refusing to give up his spot, “I have a plan. Maybe if you weren’t off with Dino...” Bob almost couldn’t believe how blunt Alex was being by calling out Paul, but he felt a sense of pride. Paul deserved this.

“Can I please be back in charge?”

“After midnight, if you want,” Alex tapped the touchpad. 11:58.

Paul smiled as soon as he heard the song Alex had put on. “Mr Brightside?” He laughed, “I do love The Killers.”

Bob stood up straighter, paying more attention to this song than whatever nonsense Alex was playing before. As the song launched into its chorus, Bob shot a look towards Alex, who gave him a subtle smirk and slightly tilted his head towards Paul.

Feeling a new sense of confidence, Bob rounded the booth to Paul and grabbed his arm, pulling him to the edge of the dance floor.

“Hey,” was all Paul said, and Bob hated that he couldn’t decipher the emotion on his face. Bob felt angry, scared, excited, a whole whirlwind of emotions that almost made him shake. How is Paul not… feeling this?

“What have you been doing all night?” Bob already knew, but he wanted to hear it from Paul, wanted to make him admit it.

Paul couldn’t look Bob in the eyes. “I’ve been with Dino.”

“Why?” Bob responded sharply, running his thumb over his knuckles for support.

“Why not? You can’t put restrictions on me, Bob. We aren’t even officially together.” Bob wanted to hate Paul, but he couldn’t. The lighting of the dance floor cast shadows on Paul’s face that highlighted his best features. He was so beautiful, even when he was breaking Bob’s heart, and Bob just wanted to be his.

“Can’t you-” Bob’s throat closed up on itself before he could finish. Tears threatened to escape his eyes, but he held them back, trying to remain strong for once.

Paul took a step closer to Bob, getting a soft look in his eyes as guilt began to way him down. He hated seeing Bob upset, and being the cause of it crushed him. “Don’t think this means I care any less about you, Bob.” Paul grabbed Bob’s face in his hands. “You mean so much to me.”

“I don’t want you to be with Dino.” Bob managed shakily, pulling away. “I want you to be with me.”

Before Paul could respond, the crowd around them began to collectively count down the minute until the new year. 59, 58, 57...

Bob didn’t want to be here, but he didn’t know where else to go. Paul didn’t love him and Paul didn’t want to be with. He felt humiliated and stupid, and he just wanted to disappear, didn’t want to see the sad look Paul was giving him.

30, 29, 28... Bob looked away from Paul for a moment to catch Alex rushing towards a dark corner towards the back of the room, Nick hobbling on his crutches close behind. Their excitement was obvious from all the way across the room, and for the first time Bob felt happy for them, rather than jealous. After his conversation with Nick, Bob could confirm that there was real and pure love between them.

10, 9, 8... Alex seemed unable to wait any longer as he pulled Nick into a kiss before they both disappeared from sight.

As everyone around them cheered, “3, 2,1, Happy New Year!” Bob looked back at Paul. They stared at each other in silence for a moment despite the celebration surrounding them. Bob waited for Paul to just walk away, go find Dino, to never talk to him again, but instead Paul took a step closer to him. Paul slowly lifted his hand to place on the back of Bob’s head, as if scared he would resist this time too. However, Bob didn’t back away; he couldn’t. His heart hammered wildly in his chest as he waited for Paul’s next move. Paul leaned in slowly, his eyes gravitating to Bob’s mouth and his hand pulling him closer. Bob could feel Paul’s breath against his face as he whispered, “happy new year, Bob,” before connecting their lips. As they stood there, gently pressed together, Bob felt the pain in his heart subside. After a moment, Bob wrapped his arms around Paul’s waist to pull him even closer, feeling almost selfish and wanting the world to know that Paul was his.

Bob didn’t know how much time had passed when they finally broke apart. He pulled Paul into a hug instead and whispered in his ear, “Happy new year, Paul.” It felt good to have Paul this close again, and Bob focused on their matched breathing, prepared to stay like this for the rest of the night.

-

Shimmering red flashes of light crackled and illuminated the sky above Nick and Alex.

“Pretty,” Nick said, trying not to shiver from the cold. The two boys sat on a concrete ledge they had found along the perimeter of the building, having escaped from the party to observe the fireworks going off from a few blocks down.

“They really are,” Alex responded, pulling Nick slightly closer by his shoulders to keep both of them warm. The sound of another explosion rang in the air before streaks of white light drew lines in the dark sky in all different directions. Every time this happened, Alex could feel Nick flinch slightly, but he didn’t express any concerns, seeming to enjoy the light show more than anything.

The concept of time continuing on without being able to stop terrified Alex, and he often found himself dreading each coming year. In previous years he couldn’t understand how people could celebrate getting older and losing the past, but today he didn’t feel so pessimistic about starting a new year. “What do you think about 2005?”

“It’s been good so far.” Of course Nick’s answer was simple, but Alex appreciated it nonetheless.

“I agree. I’m so happy I get to spend it with you, Nitzki.” Alex found Nick’s hands from his lap and held them in his own as another attempt to keep him warm.

“I think this year will be the best one yet.”

Alex let out a small laugh. “What makes you say that?”

“I have you, now.” Nick looked away from the light show for a moment to speak to Alex. “And Steck.” The mention of their furry companion made them both smile.

“And Bob and Paul,” Alex added.

“Yes, them too. I hope they figure out their relationship.”

“Me too. I really don’t get what Paul’s deal is. Bob doesn’t deserve this,” Alex said, reflecting on the anger he felt towards Paul watching him dance and make out with Dino all night.

“He doesn’t. Bob is a good person.”

“He really is.” The two of them then sat in silence for a while, admiring what they assumed to be the finale of the fireworks show as colorful lights rapidly exploded in the air.

The silence that followed was comfortable. Alex and Nick continued to hold each other in the cold night, and the streaks of smoke lingering in the sky were the only evidence left of the fireworks. A slight sadness fell upon Nick, but he glanced over at Alex again and felt comfort in knowing that not everything beautiful disappeared so quickly.

[find-the-eyes]

Hello! I love ITAO. I’m looking forward to reading new chapters every Friday... I hope you keep writing this fic. Your work is so amazing!

Thank you so much for all of your support!! It means a lot to us! ITAO is currently on hiatus but will return!

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once, Chapter 48.5 (aka the Nilex Date Oneshot)

Written by: Allegra, Sol

Edited by: Allegra

—

Nick was still getting used to being off the ventilator. It had only been a few hours, but it was already easier for him to breathe on his own. As he wobbled around the flat, happy just to be back on his feet, Alex stopped him.

“I think we should go on a real date, Nick. It’s about time.”

Nick grinned and blushed. “Yeah. It’s time.”

“I think I know a good restaurant we could go to tonight,” Alex smiled and reached for the phone, “I’ll make a reservation.”

Nick nodded and went to sit on the couch, his legs tired from walking around the flat. He threw his crutches aside. A date. At a restaurant. Nick thought back to the last time he’d been anywhere fancy, which was… never. He had gotten so used to eating cheese sandwiches with Lukas that Alex’s home cooked meals deserved Michelin stars.

"Alright, we're all set for 7:30!" Alex walked back into the room and set his phone on the table. "Want to go get ready?"

"Get ready?" Nick asked, looking down at his hoodie-and-jeans combo. "We're not ready?"

"We have to dress up! Come on!" Alex bounded off to the bedroom. Nick grabbed his crutches and followed behind as best as he could.

Nick rummaged around his bedroom for a proper outfit, but didn’t know what to look for. What about what he wore onstage? That should be good enough.

“Uh… I don’t think that’s a good look for tonight,” Alex laughed softly as Nick came out of his bedroom in a red and blue patterned shirt and white dress pants. “You look like the flag of the UK.”

Nick frowned slightly and began to retreat back into his room, wobbling a bit on his crutches from standing for so long.

“No, wait, I’ll help you.” Alex followed Nick, holding Nick's shoulders as he sat down carefully on the bed and leaned his crutches against the wall. "You get undressed and I'll look in your closet."

"Trying to get me naked?" Nick said with an impish grin. Alex raised his eyebrows. Nick was flirting? This was new and unexpected. And nice.

"And what if I am?" Alex attempted to wiggle his eyebrows at Nick, who simply giggled and began unbuttoning his shirt. Alex turned back to the closet and the task at hand. He shuffled through Nick’s clothes, trying to find something that would work. Although he and Nick had gone out to look for clothes before he was injured, he still couldn’t find much in Nick’s closet.

Nick watched Alex from the bed, worried that his rummaging hands would come across a stray bottle cap or straw that he pocketed somewhere. He didn't want Alex to find out and throw it away.

“Hm… I think you have some pants in here that would go well with one of my shirts,” Alex suggested, tossing a pair of pants to Nick. “I’ll be right back.”

Alex went to his room and pulled out a light blue shirt from his closet. It was a bit small on him, anyway, and Nick would probably like it. He returned to Nick's room, holding the shirt up in front of his face triumphantly. "What do you think?"

"Good..." Nick said softly. Alex lowered his hands and only then did he realize that while Nick had removed his pants with no trouble, his shirt still hung unbuttoned on his shoulders.

"Oh...do you need help?"

Nick nodded, looking slightly ashamed. "It hurts to lift them..."

Alex got right to work, slipping the red and blue shirt off his arms and replacing it with the pale blue one.

Nick smiled when he saw his finished outfit. After two months of dressing for bed, Nick was happy to be wearing something a bit more classy. He stood up and took a few wobbly steps to the mirror, his face lighting up at the sight. "Thanks," he said. "I love it."

Alex came up behind Nick and wrapped his arms around him. "You look amazing," he said with a small smile. He grabbed Nick by the waist and turned him around, meeting his gaze and pulling him in for a kiss. Nick made the softest, sweetest noise that Alex had ever heard and his heart melted. This was nothing like the way Nick had attacked Alex in the car earlier, but it still felt so right. Alex loved Nick. And right now, he needed to show him.

"Love you," Nick breathed, as if reading Alex's mind. He locked his arms around Alex's waist and kissed him back deeply.

After a few minutes of kissing, holding, touching, Alex broke away. "I need to go get dressed or we're never going to leave this flat." He grinned and gave Nick one more kiss on the cheek before heading to his own room. Nick plopped himself back on the bed to rest, his face flushed.

Alex came back a few minutes later to get Nick to bring him to the car. “Are you ready?”

Nick nodded excitedly and grinned up at Alex. He admired Alex's pink shirt and black tie, tucked loosely into skinny black trousers. Alex helped him up and handed him his crutches.

“If you get tired, just let me know,” he said softly, kissing Nick’s forehead.

They made their way down to the car slowly, but Alex assured Nick that they would make it to their reservation on time. Nick was out of breath by the time they reached the car.

"Want me to bring your wheelchair just in case?" Alex asked. At Nick's nod, Alex dashed back inside, returning a few moments later with the chair. He helped Nick into the passenger seat and placed the wheelchair in the back like so many times before.

“You did a great job getting down here,” Alex smiled as he reached to squeeze Nick’s hand. Nick smiled back, though he was puzzled as to why Alex was telling him this. Did he do a great job? He didn't feel like he had. He hadn't been able to get to the car without losing his breath. He hadn't even been able to change his own shirt. He probably didn't even deserve to be going on this date. Nick bit his lip and willed his anxiety to disappear. He squeezed Alex's hand back without saying anything.

By the time they arrived at the fanciest Japanese restaurant around, Nick had caught his breath and was ready to go. He opted for his crutches and off they went.

Nick immediately froze when they walked in. There were so many people, all looking so comfortable and happy… Alex looked confident as well. Somehow, Nick just hadn’t accepted that going out for dinner was a normal thing to do. He sighed to shake his bad thoughts away and tried to see the bright side. He was spending time with Alex and had finally made it out of the flat. You're being silly, he thought to himself. Everything is fine.

As the hostess led them through the restaurant, Nick could feel all eyes on him as he slowly hobbled along on his crutches. They were all staring at him, he knew it. They thought he was weird. They were going to laugh about him after he passed by.

Nick was already out of breath by the time they reached the table. The ambient lighting and loud atmosphere didn’t help, either. He was overwhelmed, and Alex could see it. Did he make the right decision by bringing Nick on a date so soon after he was cleared?

Nick watched as the waitress filled up his glass with water. It swirled and bubbled in the glass, and Nick was so thirsty from walking so far. But… he couldn’t bring himself to drink it. Alex looked at Nick and took a sip from his glass, trying to signal that it was ok to drink it. Nick picked up his glass and took a small sip. Everything was ok. He smiled and drank more, managing to drink the whole thing before Alex even drank half of his.

“What do you think you’re going to order, Nick?” Alex asked from across the table, looking happy and just a bit too comfortable being out of the flat.

Nick looked down at the menu. The words were all jumbled and the lack of pictures didn’t help. He looked back up at Alex and shrugged.

“What are you in the mood for?”

Nick thought for a moment, not used to having a choice. “Noodles? Pasta?” he said quietly.

Alex smiled and directed Nick to the udon section of the menu, “I think you’ll like udon!”

“Oh...okay…” Nick studied the page, reading the descriptions of all of the dishes but not retaining any of them. The words all blended together, swirling around. He decided that he would just have to trust Alex’s judgment.

The waitress returned a few minutes later and looked at them expectantly. Nick followed what Alex was doing and closed his menu. He tried to take a deep breath as he prepared himself to order. “Can I...have...udon? Please?” Nick said softly. He looked up at Alex, afraid that he had done something wrong. Alex gave him an encouraging nod.

“Okay, what kind?” Nick froze. He actually had done something wrong. Trying his hardest not to panic, he opened the menu to the udon section again. The words still weren’t making sense. He had no idea what to do.

“Miso udon,” Alex said calmly, looking at Nick. “I think you’ll like that.” The waitress nodded. Nick stared at Alex, wanting to thank him but not finding the words fast enough. “I’ll have the same.”

The waitress jotted the order down. “And to drink?”

“Water is fine for both of us. And can we also have a rainbow roll?”

“Sure! Your food will be out shortly.”

Nick looked back up at Alex as soon as the waitress walked away, relieved to finally be done ordering.

“That was great!” Alex grinned, trying to encourage Nick to feel more confident about his social skills.

“Really…?” Nick smiled to himself.

“Yeah!” Alex laughed, “you’ve really come so far since I met you. I’m proud of you!”

Nick giggled softly, looking back down at the table. That was a habit he was going to have to break. Back home, showing weakness was a death sentence.

After a few minutes of chatting, Alex’s rainbow roll finally came. Nick observed it, and thought about asking Alex if he could have some. Before he could say anything, Alex split the roll in half and dropped half onto Nick’s plate.

“This is a rainbow roll,” Alex explained, “there’s crab and avocado on the inside and there’s fish on top! Yours have salmon and tuna on top. I saved the more exotic stuff for mine, don’t worry.”

Nick nodded, a bit apprehensive about trying the roll. He looked down at the table and found chopsticks. He looked up at Alex again, confused.

“Like this,” Alex showed Nick how to hold them. After Nick tried and failed, he helped position Nick’s hand. “There.” Nick nodded and carefully lifted a piece of the roll up to his face. He took a moment to inspect it - he'd never had sushi before, but it certainly looked pretty. He attempted to eat a small bite of it before Alex interjected, "It's easier to eat it all at once. You can spit it out if you don't like it. I won't mind."

Nick took one final look before popping the entire piece in his mouth. He chewed carefully. It was like nothing he had ever eaten before, but it was surprisingly good.

“You like it?” Alex asked, beaming.

Nick nodded and gave Alex and thumbs up. He enjoyed getting to try new things with Alex, and food was no exception.

The rest of the evening passed uneventfully, Nick and Alex savoring their sushi and noodles. As it turned out, Alex had been right - Nick loved his miso udon. The salty broth and soft noodles were a delight. It made him feel warm and cozy, a lot like Lukas’s grilled cheese, but definitely much better. It was comforting.

Alex slipped his arm around Nick’s waist as they made their way back out to the car. Nick awkwardly craned his neck to press a kiss against Alex’s shoulder. Alex giggled and gave Nick a squeeze. “I’m so glad we can finally go on dates,” he said, fumbling around in his coat pocket with his free hand.

“Me too,” Nick replied, shivering slightly as a breeze hit them. “Let’s do it again soon?”

“Of course!” Alex finally pulled his car keys out of his pocket. “But this date isn’t over…”

“It’s not? Where are we going?”

“You’ll see,” Alex smiled as he unlocked the passenger door for Nick.

The buildings and trees and traffic lights whizzed by as Alex drove them down roads that Nick had never seen before. Even though he had lived in the city for nearly half a year, there was still so much of Glasgow that Nick hadn’t gotten to explore yet, particularly since he had barely been outside for the last two months. Nick watched as the city lights turned into fields and blinking cell towers. Finally. Alex flicked on the radio and smiled as Heavy Metal Drummer by Wilco faded in.

“Y’know, Nick, I think I fell in love with a drummer too,” Alex grinned as he tapped along to the beat of the song.

Nick looked up quizzically, wondering if Alex had finally found someone else to love.

“Well, wasn’t that the instrument you wanted to play in the band at first?” He laughed and reached over to squeeze Nick’s hand.

Nick nodded and laughed, eyes sparkling. “I’m in love with…” Nick looked up at Alex, his face glowing in the streetlights and the moonlight, “you.”

Alex lifted Nick’s hand and kissed it. “And I’m in love with you, Nitzki.”

Nick hummed softly and leaned back in his seat. “Where are we going, anyway? There’s nothing out here…”

“You’ll see,” Alex said again. “Be patient.” Nick nodded and continued staring out the window.

A few minutes later, Alex turned into a small car park off the side of the road. The area was quiet and still - and very, very dark, Nick noticed, aside from a couple of street lamps illuminating the parking area. Nick took a deep breath of the frigid winter air as he climbed out of the car, situating himself on his crutches. He had missed this.

“Ready?” Alex asked as he walked around the side of the car, holding a blanket that he had retrieved from the boot.

“Yeah…” Nick said, hesitantly. “I’m not really sure what I’m ready for…”

“Remember that night we were looking out the window and you told me that you’ve never gone stargazing before?”

“Stargazing!” Nick yelled, slightly taken aback at just how loud his voice was. He grinned and walked over to Alex, placing a firm kiss on his lips. “Let’s go!”

“Alright!” They walked across the car park and into a worn path in a field. As they approached the large hill looming above them, Nick looked up nervously. “It’s really steep…”

Alex looked up too. “Okay...well...do you think you can walk? I’ll hold you up…”

Nick took a deep breath and nodded. He wasn’t entirely sure if he could, but he also wasn’t going to let this night be a complete failure.

Alex shifted the blanket to his left arm and placed his right around Nick’s shoulders. “You got it,” he reassured him. They began to walk, slowly but steadily up the hill. Alex tried to sense how Nick was feeling, gauging when he needed to slow down to give Nick a break.

Alex was thrilled that Nick was walking at all, let alone up a hill in the middle of the night. No sooner had this thought formed in his mind than Nick suddenly stumbled and nearly toppled over backwards. Alex wrapped both of his arms around Nick now, holding him tighter. “Are you alright?!”

Nick felt dazed as he stopped to catch his breath. “Yeah...I’m fine.” He pressed on, leaning back into Alex’s embrace for support.

Once they reached the top, Alex spread the blanket across the grass and sat. Nick plopped down beside him, laying his crutches in the grass. Nick paused for a moment to admire the view. In the distance, he could just barely make out the city lights of Glasgow. Above them lay only stars.

Alex scooted closer to Nick, then wrapped the edge of the blanket over them as best as he could. The two of them laid quietly for a while, taking in the night sky and the cold December air. Alex snuggled against Nick's side and wrapped his arms around Nick. Nick reached up with his left hand and clutched Alex's tightly. They exchanged soft kisses as they snuggled. As content as Nick was, happier than he had been in months, he still felt himself beginning to shiver furiously.

Alex pulled the blanket tightly around them. "Alright?" he asked. "We can go back to the car if you need to…"

Nick shook his head. "Want to stay…"

"Me too," Alex replied, smiling. He slipped a leg over Nick's, seeking any sort of contact. Anything to make sure Nick was okay. He gave Nick a kiss on his cheek, then on his forehead. "Do you know how much I love you?"

Nick beamed and reached to snuggle Alex. “Not as much as I love you,” Nick murmured and nuzzled Alex gently.

Alex smiled and reached up to stroke Nick’s cheek. When he did, it felt cold. Almost as cold as the air around them. “Ah… Nick?”

“Y-Yeah?”

“You’re ice cold. Are you sure you don’t want to go back to the car?” Nick shook his head and held Alex tighter. His entire body was shivering, but he tried his best to conceal it under the blanket. "Nick... we've got to go." Alex couldn't bear the thought of Nick going back to the hospital again. Maybe this had been a terrible idea. Maybe Alex had inadvertently set Nick's progress back. He stood up suddenly and grabbed Nick's hands to try and pull him up.

“Alex, come on!” Nick felt himself getting frustrated. They had spent all this time struggling to get to the top of the hill and this is how it was going to end? He yanked Alex’s arm, nearly making him topple over.

“Nick,” Alex said quietly. “Please. I don’t want you to get sick again.”

Nick sighed and stood up. Without Alex’s warmth beside him, he suddenly noticed just how much his teeth were chattering. “I always ruin everything.”

“No, no,” Alex said, holding the blanket in a messy bundle against his chest. “Not at all. We’ll go home and have some cocoa and watch a movie. And you can have all the cuddles you want.”

Nick nodded as he leaned into his crutches and began to make his way down the hill, too embarrassed to look at Alex. Even though he knew Alex would make good on his promise to continue the night at home, he still couldn’t help feeling like he had failed.

--

“Nick, we’re home,” Alex said softly as he stroked Nick’s hair, standing outside of the car, waiting for him to wake up.

Nick opened his eyes and blinked a few times, and then looked over to Alex. “Did I fall asleep?”

“Yeah. For basically the whole drive,” Alex laughed. “Ready to get out?”

After a warm bath, Nick got dressed again, slipping on clean pajamas and fuzzy socks and one of Alex’s hoodies. He settled himself on the couch as Alex busied himself in the kitchen, eventually returning with two mugs of cocoa, a package of biscuits, and a heating pad, which he tossed into Nick’s lap. “Sorry it’s not too fancy,” he laughed as he set the food and drinks down on the table.

“It doesn’t need to be,” Nick replied, warming his hands beneath the pad. He looked over at Alex as he sat down beside him, his cheeks rosy from the cold and his green eyes sparkling. “Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for everything tonight,” Nick said softly. “I”m sorry I was a jerk before.”

“It’s okay,” Alex replied as he pulled Nick into his arms, kissing his temple. “I know you didn’t want to leave. But we can go back when it’s nicer out, yeah? And maybe we can bring Steck next time, too.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Nick lifted himself up and settled in Alex’s lap, their noses touching. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” Alex smiled, pressing his lips to Nick’s.

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once, Chapter 48

Written by: Allegra, Sol

Edited by: Beth, Allegra, Sol

The bright December sun poured through the windscreen of Alex’s car, warming Nick’s face as he stared idly out the window. 

Despite his calm demeanor, Nick’s mind was racing. They were on their way to yet another medical appointment, something that had become routine for them over the last month. Nick hated going to the doctor. Any doctor. The unforgiving fluorescent lighting, the white walls, the sterile smell, the way everyone around looked so sad for Nick. He’d had enough. He just wanted to be better. But it didn’t seem like he ever would be. 

“You alright?” The car had come to a stop, Nick realized, and Alex had placed his left hand atop Nick’s right. Nick turned his gaze to Alex and forced a smile.

“Oh...I’m fine.”

Alex frowned as he lightly ran his fingertips across Nick’s knuckles. “Fine?” Nick hmmed in response. “Aren’t you excited? They might clear you to stop wearing the mask today!” Alex was always good at retaining the deluge of information that the doctors and nurses had given Nick during his recovery, and he had been looking forward to this day for weeks. He was (somewhat selfishly) excited about the prospect of finally being able to kiss Nick again, but he was also looking forward to Nick regaining his independence, freedom from his reliance on a machine to control his breathing.

“Yeah…” Nick said, pausing before quietly adding, “...No. I’m not. I’m scared.”

“Oh, Nick,” Alex whispered, squeezing Nick’s hand as he hit the accelerator when the light flashed to green. “Everything is going to be fine. I’m sure.” 

Nick said nothing, trying to focus on the warmth of Alex’s reassuring hand atop his. Logically, he knew that he had come a long way since the day he had come home from the hospital, but his anxious brain could only think of what he still couldn’t do. He couldn’t walk long distances without becoming exhausted. He couldn’t breathe on his own for more than a few hours. He couldn’t bathe alone, or cook for himself, or sleep by himself without Alex staying with him to make sure that he was still alive. That was the worst thing of all, Nick thought, the way Alex had completely uprooted his life to take care of him day in and day out, somehow managing to fit in schoolwork and errands and taking care of Steckrübe on top of everything else. Would Alex be okay with having to do this every day, forever? If Nick didn’t get better, he knew he would be stuck in their flat forever, never again able to play a show or go to class or go places with his friends. And Alex would have to follow suit. Nick couldn’t do that to Alex...but he wouldn’t have a choice. Alex wouldn’t want to take care of him, he would break up with him, and Nick would be alone yet again.

The car jolted to a stop again, this time in a space in the car park, the grey medical building looming before them. 

“Want to roll there?” Alex asked as he waited for Nick to step out of the car.

Nick stepped out of the car and shakily shut the door. “I can walk.”

“You’re sure?” Nick nodded before almost losing his balance. Alex instinctively grabbed Nick’s waist to steady him. “Are you absolutely sure you don’t need to roll?”

“I’m fine.” Nick wasn’t feeling fine, but he forced himself to soldier on. Alex kept one hand on Nick’s lower back as they made their way up the sidewalk. By the time they had reached the front door, Alex’s arms were firmly wrapped around Nick’s chest as his legs threatened to give out beneath him. 

Alex stumbled through the automatic doors and sat Nick down in a chair in the waiting room so he could talk to a receptionist. Nick sank into his seat, slumping down far enough to rest his head on the back of the chair. The room spun around him even when he closed his eyes. His chest ached, like his lung was going to collapse again at any moment. 

Nick only opened his eyes when Alex sat down next to him. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah,” Nick blinked and tried to catch his breath.

“I brought you water,” Alex handed Nick a bottle of water. “Can you open it?”

Nick nodded and opened the bottle. As soon as he took a sip, he was called for his appointment. As he trudged down the hall to the exam room, he held onto Alex with one arm and the wall with the other.

When they made it to the exam room, Nick immediately collapsed onto the bench he was supposed to sit on. Alex sighed and lifted him to sit on it. “Are you feeling alright?”

Nick nodded and leaned against the wall. This wasn’t going to go well.

The doctor came into the room a few minutes later and both Alex and Nick greeted her hesitantly. Alex was nervous now. Nick could tell.

“Could you take off your mask, please?” The doctor asked, ready to assess Nick’s breathing. Nick pulled the mask off, once again hesitating, scared of the possible negative outcome.

The doctor then listened to Nick’s breathing with her stethoscope, running the cold metal over his chest and back. Nick made sure to try to keep it as even as he could. Even the slightest flaw could stop him from being cleared. He put the mask back on after she was done.

“I think we should do an x-ray,” the doctor suggested, “is that ok?” Nick nodded and looked over at Alex, who gave a thumbs up of approval. “Come right this way,” she said, sliding the exam room door open and heading down the hall.

Nick glanced nervously at Alex and slid himself off the table, his legs wobbling. He took a hesitant step, his hand still firmly planted against the counter, and then another. Alex reached out for him, but Nick shook his head. He stepped again and again, small steps, making his way to the door slowly but surely.

The doctor reappeared in the doorway. “Right this w-” she began, trailing off as she locked eyes with Nick, his hand braced on the wall, his legs dangerously close to giving out again. 

“... I’ll go get you a wheelchair,” the doctor rushed off and returned a few moments later. Nick hesitated to sit down, not wanting to accept his weakness.

Luckily, or unluckily, for Alex, Nick’s walking abilities were to be assessed as soon as he returned from his x-ray.

“Well… you’re walking,” the doctor reassured Nick after he wobbled across the room, “that’s a good thing. But you’re not balanced at all when you walk…”

Nick nodded, acknowledging that he was always afraid of toppling over whenever he took more than a couple steps without support.

"But that's okay. We can get you a pair of crutches for that."

Nick's ears perked up at the suggestion. Crutches? He was strong enough for crutches? He nodded vigorously. "Okay." 

The doctor left the room to look for a pair of crutches. Nick wobbled back to the bench and tried to hop up to sit on it. 

“Let’s hope this helps, yeah?” Alex remarked cheerily as he helped Nick onto the bench. Nick nodded again, a bit nervous. What if he wasn’t strong enough?

The doctor came back a few minutes later, holding a pair of crutches. Nick tensed up when he saw them. It was happening. He did his best to let his body relax as the doctor slipped the cuffs around his arms and showed him how to properly hold the handles. 

“You got it, Nick?” Alex asked as Nick cautiously slid down from the bench. Nick nodded and steadied himself. He took one slow step, then a second. This wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t great, either - but he was upright and walking. His shoulders were scrunched and his elbows bent awkwardly outwards as he made his way to the door, then turned around and walked back to the bench.

The doctor nodded her approval. “Great. Before you leave, we’ll get a nurse to adjust the height of those. I can see that they’re a little too tall for you.” Alex inadvertently let out a small snort of laughter and Nick looked at him, brows furrowed. “The x-ray results should be back by now… let me go check!”

When the doctor left the room, Nick looked up at Alex. “Why’d you laugh just now?”

“Well… You are quite short, Nick. But it’s cute. You’re cute!” Alex playfully rubbed his hand across Nick’s upper back. Nick smiled faintly. He was proud to have graduated to using crutches, but the nagging fear of not being cleared still clouded his mind. He couldn’t let his guard down just yet. 

The doctor returned with the x-ray photos in her hand. Her white coat swished as she shut the door and strode over to the x-ray screen, flicking on the switch. “Well, Nick,” she smiled, “I’ve got some good news. Your lung is fully healed!”

Nick grinned, but was still unsure of what that meant. It sure didn’t feel healed.

“The punctured part has been completely patched up. If you look here-” She hung the x-ray on the screen and gestured to one area. “-the puncture from falling on the barrier is totally gone. There was a hole here on the first x-rays we took, but not anymore!”

Nick wanted to know why he still felt so much pain and weakness if he was as “healed” as the doctor claimed, but couldn’t find the words. Alex spoke up, as though reading his mind. “So, what exactly does that mean?”

“It means that his lungs are fully functioning again and he can breathe independently. There’s no chance of air escaping and causing his lung to collapse again. So,” she said with a smile, turning her attention back to Nick, “that means you don’t need to wear the mask anymore! You can always put it on if you feel like you need it, considering your lungs are still weak. But you are in the clear!”

A smile spread across Nick’s face again, this time for real. He was cleared. He was better. He wasn’t confined to the flat anymore. He had...survived. If he was physically able, he would have jumped for joy, but instead settled on kicking the air gently with excitement.

Alex nudged Nick’s shoulder and tapped the mask. When Nick turned to look at him, Alex carefully lifted the mask off his face and pulled the straps out of his hair. Nick blinked rapidly and took his first real deep breath in months. “Thanks,” he said with an appreciative smile. 

“Does this mean I can leave the flat now?” Nick asked, silently hoping that the doctor wasn’t aware that he had actually left the flat already.

“That should be fine! Just take it easy, okay?” 

Once the crutches had been adjusted and Nick had been handed a fresh pile of instructions and paperwork, the boys made their way out to Alex’s car. As Alex readjusted the ventilator in his hands, he stole a glance at Nick, who looked fully content for the first time since Alex had met him. He was practically glowing, his smile spreading wider and wider across his face. His blue eyes were brighter than ever. He was practically bouncing with every step. Alex wanted nothing more than to grab him right then and there and kiss him within an inch of his life, but he decided it was better to save that for when they weren’t in public. He watched as Nick walked steadily to the car, taking it slow, not afraid of falling or passing out. Alex could tell Nick was tired, though, as he leaned against the car door, waiting for Alex to unlock it.

Nick slid into his seat as Alex opened the back door to toss Nick’s crutches into the pile of trash and random medical papers that spilled off the seat. I really need to clean, he thought to himself as he shoved a sketchbook out of the way to set the ventilator down. That could come later, though. Nick was waiting. Alex smiled as he shut the door and opened his own. He couldn’t wait to get home and kiss Nick for the first time in forever.

Alex climbed into his seat and looked over at Nick with a smile before putting the car in reverse and slowly beginning to pull out of the parking space. Alex’s neck was twisted to the right, checking for oncoming traffic, when he practically jumped out of his skin as he felt something wrap around him. He whipped his head around to find himself nose to nose with Nick, whose arms were already around Alex’s shoulders. Nick took a shaky breath and smashed his lips into Alex’s, pulling himself further across the armrest. Alex fumbled around for the gearstick, blindly returning the car to park before awkwardly wrapping his own arms around Nick’s back. Nick felt so small and fragile, like he was going to crumble in Alex's arms. It was a sharp contrast to the strength with which Nick was kissing Alex, his breathing heavy, his tongue pressing into Alex's mouth, one hand on Alex's back and one hand fisted in his hair.

Alex had never seen Nick like this before. He'd never gotten a chance to, before the accident had torn them apart for so long. Alex pulled Nick as close as he could, feeling his pounding heart as their chests pressed together. Nick was making soft noises now, gasping and sighing and moaning quietly. Alex couldn't help but respond with his own sounds as he kissed him back furiously. Nick's lips were chapped from the cold and being stuck behind the mask for weeks and weeks, but Alex didn't mind. He had been denied the pleasure, the warmth of Nick's breath and the taste of his lips for far too long.

"Alex," Nick breathed, finally pulling back from the kiss, pressing his forehead to Alex's. He was nearly panting, trying to catch his breath, but he was grinning from ear to ear. "I love you so much...I missed this so much."

"I love you too," Alex murmured, running his hand up and down Nick's cheek before pulling him in for another, more gentle kiss. Nick tried to deepen it the best he could, but his breathing was more shallow now, his lungs struggling to keep up. Alex sensed this and broke the kiss, helping Nick pull himself across the armrest and into Alex's lap. They stayed like that for a few moments, Nick straddling Alex's legs, Alex rubbing Nick's back as his breathing slowly came back under his control. Nick tightened his hold on Alex and laughed quietly. "What?" Alex asked.

Nick shook his head, too overwhelmed for words. "I...just...I love you. So much, schatz."

Alex giggled at the pet name. "Love you too, Nitzki," he said, running his hands up Nick's sides now. Alex continued to hold him, calming him down, until he realized they were still technically in public and their car was halfway out of the parking space. Normally he would have cared that they were making out in a place where anyone could see, but his brain was so overwhelmed with emotion that he'd lost all of his rational thoughts.

“Ready to go home, Nick?” 

Nick nodded, his arms tightening around Alex as he pressed himself flush against Alex's body. "One more?" he asked shyly, ghosting his lips against Alex's.

Alex smiled and pulled Nick close, their lips gently meeting once again.

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once, Chapter 47

Written by: Sol, Allegra, Beth Edited by: Sol, Allegra, Beth

Alex didn’t know if Nick had ever properly celebrated a holiday. Sure, Nick had mentioned getting gifts for Christmas and dressing up for Halloween in passing, but Alex was never sure just how legit his celebrations were. Most of what Nick talked about felt sad, almost— Alex wasn’t sure how it would feel to have his childhood memories invalidated in front of him, so he tried to listen and relate as much as he could. Holidays were no exception.

Whether or not Nick had ever actually celebrated Christmas, Alex was determined to make the day special. He thought about all of his favorite foods he ate on Christmas Day back home, and tried to make a list of which ones could be cooked in the flat, and a list of those that Nick would like.

After a few minutes of quiet reflection, Alex realized he was still sitting on the beanbag chair and should be doing chores and figuring out Christmas dinner before Nick woke up and needed help. He stood and stretched, grabbing his phone off the nightstand and heading out to the living room. His mother made the best spanakopita in the world (in his opinion) and he wanted to give Nick a taste of Christmas in Greece.

Alex still felt terrible for not going home. His family was always extremely close and he was the only one who had left the country permanently. But he couldn't leave Nick, and he couldn't take Nick with him, so that was that. Alex dialed his home phone number and waited.

“Alex!” His mother answered the phone cheerily.

“Hi, mum. Happy Christmas Eve.”

“It’s so nice to talk to you! How is everything?”

"Uhh, I'm alright," Alex said, not ready to give her an update on Nick's condition. "So, I wanted to make your spanakopita for tomorrow, but--"

"Oh!!" As soon as Alex mentioned his favorite food from back home, his mother began listing ingredients. He scrambled to find a stray scrap of paper to write them down on.

Five minutes later, after she had rattled off the ingredients, the steps, and every secret trick that she knew to make the pie perfect, Alex's mother let out a sigh. "Got all that?"

"I think so," Alex said, biting the cap of his pen. "Thanks, mum."

"Of course, dear. How's Nick, by the way?"

At this, Alex could feel himself tense up. Nick was supposedly asleep in the other room, but Alex always felt nervous talking about him. He was clueless as to what Nick could and couldn’t hear, or if he was even asleep at all.

“He’s doing better,” Alex finally decided to say, “but the doctor hasn’t cleared him yet. He still has a long way to go until he’s all the way better.”

"Cleared him for what?"

Alex clenched his teeth, remembering that he hadn't actually told his mother what had happened. "Cleared him to breathe on his own. Without the ventilator."

"He's using a ventilator?! Alex, you never told me!" The worried tone of his mother's voice made Alex feel terrible. "What happened to him?"

"He jumped off the stage at a gig and hit the barrier the wrong way and injured his lung." The memory of it made Alex shut his eyes and shudder. "But he's getting a lot better, and he can go without the ventilator for meals and stuff."

“That’s… alarming. But it’s good to hear that he’s recovering.”

“Yeah. I should probably go check on him; he’s still asleep…”

“Oh, well.. I guess I’ll talk to you later. I hope everything goes well. Tell Nick I said to feel better.”

Alex laughed softly, “Alright, mum. Love you.”

Alex snuck back into Nick’s room to find him still asleep. He went to the side of Nick’s bed and stroked his hair. Nick grabbed Alex’s arm and pulled on it. Oh. Bad dream.

Avoiding crushing Nick, Alex hopped over him and got under the blankets. Nick immediately hugged Alex with his entire body, even tangling his legs with Alex’s. Alex smiled slightly as Nick continued to cuddle him. Even when he was scared or asleep, or both, Nick was so good at cuddling.

Nick was eventually startled out of his dream. He wiggled a bit, and then found Alex again.

“Good morning,” Alex smiled as Nick held onto him.

--

A few hours later, after tidying up the flat, Alex decided it was time to get to work on making the best Christmas meal Nick would ever have.

“Want to come to the store with me, Nick?” Alex asked as he flopped down next to Nick on the sofa.

NIck shook his head frantically, not wanting anyone to see him in the state he was in. Seeing Julian a few days ago had been enough interaction. He didn’t want to upset anyone else with his condition. He didn’t want any more pitying glances and mumbles of ‘feel better.’

“Oh… are you sure? Maybe it would be good to get out of the flat for a bit…”

“I’m sure,” Nick said softly. He missed being outside, but the thought of leaving the flat terrified him. No one could see him like this.

“Yeah, I guess that’s alright. It would be sneaking out, after all, and maybe we’d run into someone from the hospital who knows you’re not allowed to be out,” Alex rambled, trying to stop himself from worrying about Nick. “Want anything specific from the store?”

“An ice lolly?”

“Nick, it’s December!”

“Please?”

Alex looked at Nick to find him staring at him, his blue eyes wide and full of love. “Fine, I’ll buy you ice lollies. What flavor?”

“Cherry.”

“Alright,” Alex laughed to himself as he got up. “Want anything else?”

Nick shook his head. “Just ice lollies.”

“See you later, then. Call if you need anything.”

—

Alex came back an hour later, smelling like winter air and feeling like it too. Nick picked up his ventilator and wobbled to him to help assess the items he had brought home.

“Ice lollies!” Nick laughed, surprised that Alex had actually listened to his request. He also saw hot cocoa mix on the counter and did a tiny fist pump to himself.

“I got marshmallows, too!” Alex wiggled the bag of marshmallows in front of Nick’s face.

“Marshmallows!” Nick grabbed the bag and clutched it to his chest. Alex laughed and wrapped his arms around Nick.

"How would you like to go on a date?" Alex asked, retrieving the bag of marshmallows with one hand and resting his other hand on Nick's hip.

"A...date?" Nick's expression brightened, then immediately fell. "But I can't...go out."

"Yeah! A date right here in the flat!" Alex placed the bag on the counter and slipped his now-free hand onto Nick's other hip, holding him close. "A hot cocoa and cuddling date! We can watch a movie and I'll make you dinner later. How does that sound?"

Nick’s eyes lit up as he nodded and hugged Alex. “It sounds… good. Really good!”

Alex smiled back and kissed Nick's forehead. "Let me just get some things ready, okay?" Nick nodded, unable to hide the grin behind his mask. He followed Alex into the kitchen and retrieved an ice lolly from the freezer.

Alex followed all the steps his mother had told him, taking care to use exact measurements of everything. He wanted to make the pie perfect for Nick. Nick had offered to help in any way he could, but Alex simply waved him off and told him to relax. So Nick did. His mask lay on the table before him as he savored the ice lolly and watched Alex work. Nick smiled to himself at how focused Alex was.

"What movie do you want to watch?" Alex asked as he finished chopping the spinach and poured it into the pan on the stove.

"Oh...I don't know... I'll watch anything," Nick said with a shrug. Alex frowned. Nick never really made decisions for himself, did he? He just went along with whatever Alex (or anyone else) said. Alex flipped on the burner and waited for the pan to warm up to saute the spinach and onions.

"Come on, you must have an idea of what you want!" Alex said cheerily, hoping Nick would actually make a decision. Nick only made a vague noise and focused on his ice lolly. Alex suppressed a sigh and turned his attention back to the food. That conversation would have to wait for another time.

Once the pie was fully prepared, Alex placed it in the fridge to be baked later. "Want to go out to the sofa and I'll make us our hot cocoa?" Nick, who had finished eating and placed the mask back on his face, nodded vigorously. He stood up and slowly made his way back to the living room, wobbling with each step but managing to keep himself upright.

Alex made the cocoa and tossed a few marshmallows on top of each mug. He carefully placed them on the coffee table and sat down on the couch before immediately jumping back up. "Ah, one more thing!" He dashed off to his bedroom, leaving Nick to stare down the hall in confusion. Alex returned a moment later with a silver-and-red-striped parcel and a grin on his face. "Merry Christmas!"

Nick froze for a moment - Alex had gotten him a gift? He blinked and took the package, running his hands over the wrapping paper. He wasn't used to people doing nice things for him, and he certainly hadn't expected or wanted anything. A wave of guilt washed over him - he hadn't gotten anything for Alex. He never had, in all the months that they had known each other.

"Open it!" Alex bounced up and down on the couch beside him. Nick ripped the paper and out fell a fluffy, multicolored blanket.

Nick's eyes lit up as he held the blanket up against his face. "It’s so soft!"

Alex smiled. "It is! I know how much you like blankets and soft things so I had to get this for you when I saw it! And I thought we could use it now!"

"Yeah," Nick replied, smiling, though he could feel his anxiety building. "Thank you," he said quietly, laying his head on Alex's shoulder.

Alex draped the blanket over Nick and giggled. "Of course, love. Let me put the DVD in and I'll be right back." Once the movie was set up, Alex wriggled beneath the blanket next to Nick and wrapped an arm around him. Nick relaxed into Alex's touch.

As he tried to stay focused on the movie, Nick’s mind kept wandering to the fact that he hadn’t gotten a gift for Alex. There had to be something he could scrape up for him. Would Alex understand that Nick wasn’t able to buy a present? Was he even expecting a gift from someone who couldn’t leave their flat?

As the credits rolled, Alex realized that Nick had tensed up again and looked down at him. “Is everything alright?”

"Yeah..."

“You like your gift?”

Nick ran his fingers along the edge of the blanket. “I love it… I just… I should have… gotten you something.”

“Nick, you’ve been stuck in the flat for a month! It’s fine!”

Nick didn't really have an answer for that. Alex was right. Even if Nick wanted to get him a gift, there was no way he could have done it without Alex taking him somewhere. Nick sighed. This whole being dependent thing was getting old. Just then, Nick realized what he could give Alex.

“I’m going to go put the pie in the oven, okay?” Alex asked.  Before he could even stand up, Nick shifted forward on the couch out of Alex's arms, much to Alex's surprise.

"I'll be right back," Nick said, standing up unsteadily and slowly walking to his room.

Alex frowned, wondering what Nick was possibly up to. He switched off the DVD player and headed into the kitchen, hesitant to interrupt whatever Nick was doing. As soon as Alex had finished with the pie and made his way to the living room doorway, Nick stumbled out of his bedroom, guitar in one hand and ventilator in the other.

It was supposed to be a surprise, Nick sighed to himself as he steadily returned to the living room. Nick made his way back to the couch and plopped down. He pulled off his mask and tossed it onto the floor.

"Nick? What are you--"

Nick pulled a pick out of his pocket and looked over at Alex with a smile. "I wrote you a song," he said softly.

“When did you have time to do that?”

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while…”

Alex nodded intently, waiting to see what Nick would play for him.

“It’s called ‘Dream Again,’ I mean… it’s a working title, but… it’s based on some weird fever dreams I had when I was hospitalized…” Nick readjusted the guitar in his lap. “I was scared most of the time when you weren’t there. But sometimes… they were comforting. Like my brain trying to calm me down.”

“Oh…” was all that Alex could manage. He reached out and gave Nick’s hand a squeeze, and that was all the encouragement Nick needed.

He took as deep a breath as he could and began to sing quietly, his voice shaky. "Don't be afraid if you're descending...the sweetest despair...without a handrail to guide you…"

Alex stared at Nick, transfixed. Nick squeezed his eyes shut and focused on pouring all of his energy into the song.

"Sometimes the sound of a thousand whispering words...of hope will reassure...show me the future…" Nick opened his eyes and looked at Alex. "Will see us join together...if the oceans split or the mountains sigh...then I will keep on dreaming…" Nick's voice was weak and trembling. "I live to dream again...I live to dream--" Nick coughed suddenly, a deep rumble in his chest, and began to wheeze. Alex instinctively reached up to rub his back, then leaned down and grabbed Nick's mask when Nick couldn't get his breathing under control.

It took only a few moments for Nick’s breathing to come back to normal. He laid the guitar down on the floor and tossed his pick down with a sigh. Alex could sense Nick’s frustration at being unable to finish the song, so Alex wrapped his arms around Nick and began peppering small kisses on his forehead, his cheeks, his neck. Nick closed his eyes, desperate to kiss Alex back, but instead settled on running his fingers through Alex’s hair and rubbing one hand up and down Alex’s back.

Alex pulled away slightly after a while and gave Nick a gentle squeeze. “That was amazing. I’m so proud of how far you’ve come. You’re amazing, you know that?”

Nick looked deeply into Alex’s eyes, unable to believe how fortunate he was to find someone like him.

“I love you.” Alex almost didn’t hear Nick’s quiet voice over the sound of his ventilator.

“I love you too.” Alex leaned back into their embrace and pressed a lingering kiss on Nick’s forehead, until the oven’s alarm began to beep.

“Pie’s ready!” Alex pressed one more kiss onto Nick’s forehead and went to the kitchen. “I’ll be right back.”

Nick watched as Alex made the final preparations for dinner. A small smile was hidden behind his mask as he felt the butterflies fly around in his stomach.

(with special thanks to this video for the inspiration ♥)

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 46

Written by: Sol, Beth, Allegra

Edited by: Sol, Allegra

Bob woke Paul up in a rush, shoving a suitcase at him. “We have to go in an hour! Start packing!” Bob ran frantically from room to room, gathering more essentials that he would need to bring with him. 

Paul sighed and sat up, pushing the suitcase aside. “Are you feeling alright, Bobbo?”

Bob stopped in his tracks in the doorway. “Why’s that?”

“I’ve never seen you this frantic before.”

“Well, you’ve never seen me pack for a trip then,” Bob laughed to himself as he continued to pack his bag.

“Is this about coming out?”

Bob froze once again. “Uh…yeah. It is.”

Paul smiled as he finally got up. “Aw, don’t worry about it.”

“It’s not that easy,” Bob sighed. “It’s my parents. If they don’t accept me…”

“You’ll always have me if anything goes wrong.”

“But that’s… that’s different,” Bob sighed again. “I don’t want them to think any differently of me, or that I’m not a good son, or…”

Paul nodded, trying to understand Bob’s point of view. Paul had only ever known himself as a bad kid, one who wasn’t going anywhere in life. Being bisexual was nothing on top of being a failure by default.

“Bobbo, you’re the sweetest boy I know. No matter what, they’ll still love you,” Paul advised Bob, trying his best to be supportive. He had no idea what Bob felt like. He couldn’t even imagine it.

—

Once their bags were packed and they had wrangled Alvy into the car, Bob and Paul were ready to head out to Bob’s parents’ home in the countryside.

“Do you miss being back home, Bobbo?” Paul asked, admiring the green fields passing by along the motorway.

“Yeah, I miss how quiet it was.” Glasgow was nice, but Bob missed being able to wander around the fields across the street from his house with Alvy. 

They pulled up to Bob’s parents’ house a short while later. Alvy, who had nestled himself into the blanket on Bob’s backseat for the ride, scrambled into Paul’s lap and began barking. Paul stared at the house in wonder. It looked idyllic, like a painting on the front of a Christmas card. The house’s pale yellow siding and dark green trim stood in stark contrast to the bare trees and brown grass surrounding it. A large wreath with a red bow hung on the front door. The aura of the house was cozy and comforting. Bob had grown up here? Paul thought back to his own upbringing, in a disheveled flat in one of Glasgow’s rougher neighborhoods. It was so quiet here, so unlike the bustling city he grew up with, cars and trains whizzing by on the streets below and blinking lights flashing into his bedroom when he was trying to sleep. Paul looked over at Bob and sighed, a bit envious that he could even go back to his childhood home.

“You ready?” Bob asked, knocking Paul out of his reverie. Paul nodded and opened the door, letting Alvy hop out. “Don’t do anything that would indicate that we’re together in any way until I tell you, alright? For now, you’re just a friend.”

They trekked up to the front door with their suitcases, Bob clutching Alvy’s leash. Before the boys could reach the threshold, the door opened and a smiling face appeared. “Robert!” his mother said as she pulled him in for a bear hug and a kiss on the cheek, which he gratefully accepted. After a few moments, she pulled back and looked Paul up and down, her mouth pulling into a smile once again. “And you must be Paul!”

Paul nodded and awkwardly held out his hand. “Very nice to meet you, Mrs. Hardy.” 

As soon as Paul stepped into the house, he felt out of place, his dark hair and clothes contrasting the pastel colors and cozy furniture around him. Even Alvy matched the warm, comforting interior of the house.

“Is Dad home?” Bob asked. Alvy trotted back and forth in the front hallway, happy to be home.

“He should be in the kitchen. He figured you boys would be hungry after such a long drive. You should go say hi,” Bob’s mother said. Paul felt a pang of jealousy at Bob’s normal relationship with his parents.

“Alright,” Bob said, nearly grabbing Paul’s hand to lead him to the kitchen before thinking better of it. They headed down the hallway side by side.

The kitchen was just as cozy as the rest of the house. Paul sighed as he stepped in, almost considering running upstairs to change into the one yellow sweater he brought, just to fit in a bit better. Bob’s dad turned and nodded as they entered. “Hello, Robert. And this must be Paul.”

“Hey, Dad,” Bob said, cheeks turning pink with embarrassment. Paul raised his hand in a nervous wave.

As soon as he and Bob sat down at the kitchen table, Bob’s dad brought over two bowls of steaming hot soup for them.

“How’s school, you two?”

Paul glanced at Bob. “It’s good,” he lied, looking back down at his bowl of soup.

Bob looked a bit confused at first, but decided to go along with it. “Yeah! It’s been great, and I’m barely even homesick!” He laughed to himself, “not that I don’t miss being home, though.”

After a few moments, Bob’s mum came into the room. “Paul, I brought your suitcase up to Bob’s room. I’m sorry we don’t have another bedroom… are you okay with sharing a bed?”

Paul and Bob exchanged a nervous look. “Y-yeah, that’s fine,” Paul said, feeling his palms growing sweaty. “I mean, we already share a room, so, y’know, it’s alright.”

“I’m sorry to have to do this to you, Paul, it’s just that we don’t have anywhere else for you to sleep, really - the sofa’s not very comfortable, and we wouldn’t want to do that to a guest in our house!” Bob’s mother smiled and looked at her son. “You don’t mind, Bob, do you? I suppose I could go out and buy an air mattress…”

“No! No, that’s okay,” Bob interjected. He took a deep breath. “Paul’s right, we’ve been sharing a room for the last few months, it’s fine!”

Once they had finished their soup, Bob led Paul up to his room, which was painted a pastel yellow color and felt just as warm and cozy as the rest of the house. Paul admired the soft quilt on Bob’s bed and smiled when he realized he would be sleeping in it for the next week. As he sat on the bed, Paul noticed a shelf of sports trophies dating back from when Bob was a kid to just a few years prior to moving to Glasgow. "You played football?" he asked.

"Yeah. Ran cross country, too." Bob replied, the bed sagging as he settled down next to Paul.

"You didn't strike me as a sports guy!" Paul laughed.

"Why, because I'm chubby?"

"No! No, Bob, it's not that,” Paul said, suddenly feeling very embarrassed. “I just...I mean, you're an art student and all. Those two worlds don't usually…overlap." 

Bob shrugged. "I mean, yeah, I know. It was my parents' idea when I was a kid, and I really enjoyed it for a while. Just not my thing anymore, I guess." He took a breath, then looked at Paul with a sly grin. "I liked watching the other guys, though."

Paul laughed softly, reflecting on just how much love he felt in Bob’s home. Bob’s parents were proud of every single one of his achievements, from primary school football games to surviving his first semester of art school. He's so lucky.

“Did you play sports as a kid, Paul?”

Paul thought for a moment. “Maybe when I was really young. I’m not sure. I didn’t really do much of anything.”

"Oh?" Bob moved closer to Paul. "What do you mean…?"

Paul tensed and looked at Bob. “I didn’t have a normal childhood, I guess, and we never had money for that sort of stuff anyway.”

Bob nodded. “I get that.” He flopped down so he was lying on the bed, and Paul soon joined him.

“It’s… it’s not really an easy thing to just ‘get.’ I’m still dealing with it now. I haven’t even spoken to my siblings in years.”

"Oh," Bob said nervously. He had no siblings to speak to anyway, so he couldn't exactly relate, but he'd had no idea what Paul had been through.

“Yeah. Haven’t talked to my parents for even longer. Sometimes I feel bad for moving out and cutting myself off from my family, but…” Paul sighed, “it’s what I had to do.”

Bob nodded, unsure of what to say. He turned onto his side and wrapped himself around Paul's lithe frame, squeezing him in a hug. "It's okay. If this all goes well my family can be your family too.”

At that remark, Paul laughed and hugged Bob back. They laid there in silence for a few minutes before Bob suddenly sat up. “I think we should go back downstairs,” he sighed. His usually rosy cheeks looked pale.

“Are you getting nervous again?”

Bob nodded and cupped his face in his hands. “I don’t know if they’ll still love me…”

At that moment, Paul finally understood why Bob was so nervous. He was all his parents had. There were no other, more successful or wanted siblings to fall back on. It was just Bob, a former athlete now in art school, about to come out as gay. “I think they’ll still love you, Bob. It seems like they love you more than anything.”

Bob smiled and wrapped his arms around Paul once more. Paul could only see Bob’s blond curls and the yellow walls of the room and wondered how someone could possibly match their home so much. Why wasn’t their flat enveloped in pastel colors and cozy blankets?

“Ready to go downstairs now?”

“Yeah, but…” Bob sighed, “I think I don’t want to come out yet. I can wait a few days.”

“That’s ok,” Paul tried his best to reassure Bob, gently stroking his back. “If you’re not ready yet, then you don’t have to.”

“Maybe I can drop hints, to try and gage what they think?” Bob asked nervously.

“You could try,” Paul said thoughtfully. “But maybe it would be better to just get it over with, you know? Like how you’re supposed to rip off a plaster all in one go so it doesn’t hurt so much?”

Bob took a deep breath, pulling Paul closer, nuzzling his hair. “You’re right. I need to bite the bullet. I just need to work out what I’m going to say.”

“You can practice on me, if you want.”

“No, I…” Bob smiled as he stood up and walked cautiously towards the door. “I’ll be right back.”

Bob walked to the large bathroom across the corridor and quietly closed the door. Standing in front of the sink, he noticed that his hands were shaking; his heart thudded so violently that Bob was sure it would launch itself out of his body. He closed his eyes, taking in slow, deep breaths to calm himself. After a few minutes, his heartbeat slowed down and his trembling had largely ceased. Bob opened his eyes and looked at himself in the mirror in front of him. His body had calmed, but dread still radiated from his eyes. Despite the waves of panic resurfacing, he knew that it was time. 

He unlocked the door and walked cautiously down the stairs. These could be the last normal moments of his life. He took a deep breath and calmly approached the living room, where his parents were sitting and watching TV. 

“Oh, hi, Robert!” His mother greeted him with a beaming smile. “Are you both settled in?”

“Um, yeah, we are, thanks.”

Just do it. Just say it.

“You’re sure you don’t mind sharing a bed? There should be enough room for the both of you, but we just couldn’t think of anywhere else that would be comfortable for you both.”

“No, we don’t mind. There’s plenty of space.”

Spit it out, for fuck’s sake.

“That’s good,” Bob’s dad chimed in with an equally cheery expression on his face. “It’s lovely that you’ve made such a close friend at uni already.”

Is that a hint? Do they know?

“Yes, he’s seems like such a lovely boy, Robert.” Mrs. Hardy gave her son a comforting smile, and Bob relaxed, just a little. He had missed his parents a lot since he left for uni. They were caring people, and it was obvious that they loved him dearly. 

It’ll be ok. Just do it.

“I’m gay.”

Mr and Mrs Hardy took a double-take as their son blurted out these words. They stared at him blankly for a moment, and Bob’s anxiety reappeared; he felt as if it had its hand around his throat, squeezing and choking him.

“What did you say, Robert?” Bob had frozen still at his mother’s words. Usually he found her so easy to read, but he had no clue what either of his parents were thinking. With what little breath he had left, he almost whispered his response.

“I’m gay. What… what do you think?” 

Mr and Mrs Hardy looked at each, then returned their gaze to their only child.

“Robert…” Bob closed his eyes in anticipation at his father’s words, bracing himself for the worst. “That’s ok, Robert.”

Bob reopened his eyes to find both parents once again smiling at him. The hand around his neck vanished, but a lump in his throat remained.

“It… it is?” 

“Of course!” Mrs Hardy stood up from the sofa and approached her son. “We’ve always sort of known, Robert. Don’t look so panicked, darling!”

Before he knew it, Bob felt hot tears streaming down his face. His mother wrapped him in her arms, slowly stroking his soft, golden hair, the colour that matched her own. 

“We love you. You know that we always will.” Robert’s father joined their embrace, and held his small family close. Bob had never felt so light now that the weight of being in the closet was lifted from his shoulders. 

The three stayed in their embrace for a long time, until Mrs Hardy interjected.

“Wait, so does that mean Paul…” She struggled to find the right word, not wanting to press him too hard.

The words left Bob’s mouth before he could stop to consider them. “He’s… my boyfriend.”

His parents squeezed him even more tightly, a little too tightly for his liking, and his mother let out an excited squeal.

“I’m so glad! Why don’t you go get him? I’ll bake cupcakes! Does he like cupcakes? I can make them rainbow!” Bob giggled at his mother’s flurry of words.

“Yes, he loves cupcakes. Although he’ll pretty much eat anything.” Bob smiled shyly as he thought about Paul. “I’ll tell him to come down.”

As Bob ran up the stairs two at a time, Mrs. Hardy just as quickly ran to the kitchen, but not before sending Mr. Hardy to the shop for a surprise for the two boys. Bob’s dad smiled proudly as he walked to the car, pleased that his home was once again full of excitement.

---

“You told your parents I’m your boyfriend?” Paul grabbed Bob’s arm and sat him down on the bed as soon as they got to Bob’s room. “Your mum really thinks we’re getting married.”

“That’s the goal, isn’t it?”

“We don’t know that yet.”

“So I’m just a hookup to you, or something?” Bob said a bit louder than intended.

“No, Bobbo… you mean more to me than anything, but… you really had to call me your boyfriend? I don’t think I’m your boyfriend yet.”

“I didn’t really know what else I could say—”

“Maybe we could use that label one day, but—” Paul sighed, “not yet.”

“Why not? What are we, then?” 

“I don’t know, Bob. I don’t think we’re anything yet.”

“Are we dating? Could I at least say we’re dating?”

Paul laughed shakily. “Well, we’ve been on dates…”

“So, what, they didn’t mean anything to you? You’re just Dino’s little bitch boy!” Bob huffed and flopped on his back. “That’s why you won’t say we’re boyfriends. Because you’re being controlled by his stupid, ratty—”

“Y’know what, Bob… let’s just forget about this for now.” Paul was taken aback by Bob's sudden outburst. He bit his tongue to keep himself from lashing out any more.

"Yeah, you never want to talk about anything," Bob grumbled, rolling over to face the wall. The air was tense for a few moments before Bob let out a sigh. "I'm sorry," he said, quieter this time. "I guess I'm still all fired up from coming out."

"It's okay," Paul said, his voice quiet as well. He turned to look at Bob, tentatively placing a hand on his back. "We'll talk about it when we get home. I promise."

Bob rolled onto his back to look at Paul, his blue eyes shining. He nodded meekly.

"I'm proud of you, Bobbo," Paul continued with a smile. "You did great out there." He ran his fingers through Bob's hair, messing it a bit.

Bob couldn't help but let out a giggle. "Couldn't have done it without you, Paulie." He paused, then added, "So, we're okay, right?"

Paul laid down beside Bob and wrapped an arm across his stomach. "Yeah. We're okay."

“Let’s hope everything’s still the same in the morning.”

“Don’t worry. It will be.” 

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 45

Written by: Allegra, Sol

Edited by: Allegra, Beth

That night, Nick woke up with sore legs and a dull, throbbing pain in his chest. He opened his eyes slowly, hoping it wasn’t anything serious. He saw Alex peacefully sleeping next to him on the beanbag chair and knew that if he gathered up his strength, he could wake him up. Nick didn’t want to worry Alex. Worrying Alex was his worst fear. Although they talked everything out, Nick was still afraid that Alex would overstep his boundaries again if his condition worsened.

Shaking his concern and dazed by the pain, Nick reached his arm out to wake Alex, gently poking his shoulder. Just a small amount of pressure on his finger sent waves of sharp pain shooting up his arm and to his chest. He tried not to cry as he waited for a response from Alex.

“...Nick?” Alex asked as he opened his eyes, his voice soft from sleep. “What’s wrong?”

Nick could barely answer, anxiety about the pain piling on top of the pain itself. He struggled to verbalize fragments of various words and phrases.

“Does something hurt?” Alex asked, sitting up so he could face Nick.

Nick nodded as he tried to sit up as well. He couldn’t read the emotion on Alex’s face through his blurred vision, his tears welling up and turning everything hazy.

“Ah, okay…” Alex stroked Nick’s hair gently. “I think your pain meds have worn off. They’re supposed to be given every eight hours, but I think you had them early because you went to sleep early. That’s not a problem. Would you like to come with me to get your meds?”

Nick nodded again and helped as Alex sat him up. The pain in his chest was still dull. Nothing to worry about. Right?

“Do you want to walk or go on wheels?”

“Wheels, please,” Nick choked out, wheezing against the pain in his chest.

Alex lifted Nick into his wheelchair and began wheeling him to the kitchen. 

“It’s… dark?” Nick asked, wondering if Alex would turn on a light.

“Oh, uh, I’ll get a flashlight!” Alex ran back to his room to grab his flashlight from the top drawer of his dresser. “There we go.” He shined the flashlight towards the end of the hallway.

“Why not just…” Nick motioned at a light switch.

“Wouldn’t want to wake Steck.”

Nick shrugged and adjusted his ventilator mask. He felt another wave of pain radiating from his chest. 

“You alright?” Nick nodded. Alex opened the refrigerator and got out Nick’s pain medicine. “Do you need the full dose?” 

Nick nodded again. He smiled at Alex’s concern, and his smile widened when he felt a soft tail brush against his legs. “Steck!” he said, leaning awkwardly over the ventilator to pet him. Alex walked over with the medication dosing cup and a glass of water and grinned at the sight.

“Do you want to hold Steck after you take this?” Alex asked, sliding the mask off Nick’s face.

Nick nodded earnestly, quickly downing his medicine and a few sips of water. “Ready!” Alex giggled and placed Steckrübe in Nick’s lap after he put Nick’s mask back on. Nick held him close, scratching between his ears and whispering to him in German. Alex’s heart thumped in his chest and he wondered how he had gotten so lucky.

After a few moments, Alex instinctively grabbed the handles of the wheelchair to roll Nick back to bed, but he stopped himself. “Are you ready to go back to bed now?”

“Wait,” Nick said quietly. “I want to…” He let go of Steck, who hopped down onto the floor, and shifted to get a better hold on the ventilator. Then he grabbed the wheels on his chair and began rolling himself into the living room. Alex walked behind him, fighting the urge to help. Clearly Nick had something in mind.

Nick rolled himself to the window and pulled the shades open. Although the lights of the city were bright, Nick could see the stars outside, finally. It had been a long time since he had seen them. When Nick pointed to something, Alex leaned in to join him. “Moon…” Nick smiled.

Alex wrapped his arms around Nick’s shoulders. “The stars are beautiful, aren’t they?” Nick just nodded, his eyes still on the sky. “We could go stargazing sometime, if you want…”

“Really?!” Nick leaned his head back to look up at Alex. “I’ve never been…”

“Well, there’s a first time for everything, right?”

“Yeah,” Nick said, excited at the prospect. He looked up at Alex again. “I think I’m ready...for bed now.”

Alex wheeled Nick back to the bedroom and helped him back out of the chair. He then helped him get into his bed, smiling as Nick curled up beneath the blankets.

“Are you feeling better?” Alex asked as he settled into his beanbag chair.

Nick blinked a few times and then shook his head. “It still hurts.”

“Want me to sleep with you tonight?”

“Can you…?” 

Without a word, Alex slipped under the covers beside Nick, tangling his legs with Nick’s and pulling him close. “Alright?”

“Of course,” Nick smiled. “And thank you…”

“For what?”

“For asking…for listening.”

Alex smiled as Nick nestled himself into his pillow and quickly fell asleep. “Goodnight, Nick,” he whispered.

--

That morning, Alex awoke to a loud buzzing on the nightstand. It was a phone call from his mother, who immediately began asking if he was planning on coming home for Christmas. Alex half-listened to her rambling, still groggy after only a few hours' sleep.

“I was planning on it, but…” Alex said once he was able to get a word in edgewise. He looked back at Nick, who was still peacefully asleep, Steckrübe by his side and the ventilator humming on the nightstand. He had to tell her. "I don't think I can come home."

"What?!"

"I'm sorry for telling you so late, but...Nick has been...not well lately. He's been really sick and he's not even supposed to leave the flat. I can't leave him here alone."

The tone of Alex's mother's voice shifted. "What? Nick is sick?! What happened to him?"

"Long story. I really can't leave him, and he's not allowed to travel right now, so…"

“Oh…”

“I promise I’ll be back sometime soon, alright?”

“Alright.” Alex noticed the hint of resignation in his mother’s voice. “You’re sure Nick can’t just come with you? He’s always welcome here, you know.”

“I know,” Alex said sadly. “But he can’t go on a plane until he’s fully healed. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Alex’s mother’s voice was lighter now. “I’m glad you have each other. You’ve seemed a lot happier since you met him.”

“Yeah,” Alex said quietly. He wondered if his mother could tell that he was smiling. “I am.”

By the time Alex hung up with his mother, Nick was awake and patting Steckrübe gently. Alex heard Steck’s soft meows and turned around.

“You’re up early!” Alex went over to Nick and sat down next to him.

“I heard you… on the phone,” Nick said softly, looking up into Alex’s eyes.

“Oh! Are you okay with staying here for Christmas?”

Nick nodded, “Can’t go… anywhere else.”

“That’s very true. Want breakfast?” Nick nodded vigorously. "In bed?" Nick's eyes lit up and he nodded harder. Alex kissed his forehead. "Alright. Be back soon!"

Unfortunately, when Alex opened the refrigerator to grab the smoothie ingredients, there were none to be found. There wasn't much of anything left, aside from a few slices of shrink-wrapped cheese, some butter, and a few assorted condiments. He figured that Nick would be fine with just some toast - until he checked the counter and discovered that they were also out of bread. Alex groaned and made his way back down the hall, where Nick was still petting Steck.

"That was fast," Nick said, looking perplexed.

"Yeah, we have, like, no food," Alex said with a grimace. "We're going to have to go to the store..." He envisioned the entire process - getting Nick changed into some proper clothes, putting him in the wheelchair, bringing him down to the car and helping him get in, folding up the wheelchair, repeating the entire process in reverse at the store…

"I can...stay home."

"What?'

"I'll stay home," Nick repeated, more firmly this time. 

The next words out of Alex's mouth were almost I'm not leaving you home by yourself before he remembered his promise from the previous day. He swallowed hard. "Okay…you're sure?"

"I'm fine…I'll just rest...with Steck," Nick said. He scratched Steck's chin.

"Okay. You'll call me if you need me, right?"

"I'll be fine…" Nick sensed Alex's uneasiness and added, "I'll call you...if I need you."

Alex nodded and gave him a wave. "Alright. Be back soon."

--

Alex stood in the produce section, examining boxes of strawberries and deciding which more fun and exotic fruits they would go with. Maybe Nick would like a starfruit smoothie? Was it worth it to spend five quid to shred up a starfruit, or would Nick like to eat it sliced instead? Alex sighed and picked up a starfruit, considering it before placing it in his basket.

Every time Alex bought something new for Nick, like fuzzy socks or a new type of fruit or a brand new sweatshirt, he realized that it was often the first time Nick had ever experienced it. How had he gone his entire life without wearing fuzzy socks? Alex eyed a box of cherries and went to examine it to make sure they were ripe. You could never trust ‘fresh’ produce in Glasgow winters, at least according to Paul. Alex decided that the cherries were fresh and put them in his basket. As he went to shop for bread and some other essentials, he felt a tap on his shoulder.

“Alex?” A familiar cheery voice said from behind him.

Alex turned around to see Julian with a basket full of sweets and other snacks. He greeted him politely, not sure why Julian was so eager to see him. He had only spoken to him when picking Nick up from class a few times after Julian walked him out. 

"Where's Nick?" he asked with a bright smile, clutching the basket in one hand and running the other through his floppy curls. "I haven't seen him in so long! Is he ok? Did he go back to Germany? I miss Steckrübe too! Is he doing alright?"

“He’s doing alright now,” Alex smiled, “and so is Steckrübe.”

“What do you mean, now? Did something happen?”

“Yeah, uh…” Alex sighed, “Nick was in the hospital for a month. He popped his lung trying to stage dive and went into respiratory failure. He’s doing alright now, but he’s still on a ventilator and quarantined in the flat.”

“A ventilator? That doesn’t sound good! How does that work? Can he breathe alright? What happens if Steck's fur gets in it?!” Julian, although quite alarmed, somehow still looked cheery.

Alex explained how the ventilator worked and told Julian that Nick was completely fine and on his way to a full recovery.

“So he’ll be able to walk soon and go to class?”

“Yeah, hopefully,” Alex affirmed Julian’s concerns. 

"Great! Can I bring him a get well gift later? Does he want some snacks?"

Alex was amazed that one person could be full of so many questions. "Yeah? I guess he does?"

Before Julian could embark on another barrage of questions about Nick, a woman with curly brown hair pushed her trolley up beside them. “Who’s this, Julian?”

“Mum! This is Alex, Nick’s flatmate! I told you about him, remember? He brought his cat to class and then disappeared? Well, I just found out he’s been really sick and quarantined in his flat and I’d like to bring him a gift later! Is that alright?”

“You’re sure you can bring a gift if he’s quarantined?”

Julian looked to Alex for an answer. Alex nodded. “As long as you don’t have any particularly harmful germs about you.”

“Is he contagious?”

“No, it was an injury.”

Julian’s mum looked back and forth between the two men. “In that case… I guess you can go after we’re done here. I’ll walk you there.”

“I’ll go look for a gift, then! See you later, Alex!” Julian took off to look for a plushie for Nick, leaving Alex with his mum.

“It’s very nice to meet you, Alex,” she smiled warmly. She was a calmer presence compared to Julian, and Alex wondered how she was so patient with him.

Alex made his way to check out after finding everything he needed for Nick’s breakfast and meals for the next week. As he paid for his items, he couldn’t help but wonder how Nick was such good friends with Julian. They were complete opposites in every way, and Alex knew that Julian had definitely latched onto Nick rather than the other way around.

Once he reached his flat, Alex greeted Nick and immediately started throwing together a breakfast for him. He decided to slice the starfruit rather than blending it.

“Julian’s coming over today,” Alex said to Nick as he placed his breakfast down on the nightstand.

Nick grinned as Alex removed the mask and gave him his breakfast. Breathing without the mask was still a bit of a challenge, but being unable to consume solid food for weeks had truly made him appreciate eating, so he was happy to put up with it for a short time. He picked up a piece of toast with both hands and nibbled on it carefully. "Really? When?"

“He said he was coming as soon as he finished shopping, so… he should be here soon. Do you want to get ready?”

As soon as Nick nodded and put his toast down, Alex heard the doorbell. “That must be him. Stay here, I’ll get it.” He slipped Nick’s mask on and ran to get the door. Alex welcomed Julian into the flat and noticed that he was holding a gift bag.

“Where’s Nick? Is he awake? I’m sorry I came so early; I wasn’t expecting to visit!” 

Alex just laughed in response and led Julian to Nick’s bedroom. He opened the door slowly, anticipating Julian’s reaction and his onslaught of questions. Julian peeked around the door frame and gasped at the sight of Nick. Alex could have sworn he saw Julian visibly deflate. And for once, Julian didn't have words.

When Nick saw Julian, his eyes instantly lit up. He nudged Steckrübe, who was sleeping beside him.

Julian took a deep breath and slowly approached Nick. He opened the gift bag and smiled. “A birthday gift and a get well gift!” 

Nick reached into the bag and pulled out a lobster plushie and a koala plushie. He hugged the plushies with as much strength as he could and then placed them down next to Steckrübe.

“Can you talk with that mask on?” Julian asked, wondering if Nick was being quiet on purpose or not.

Nick nodded. “A little.”

“Does it hurt?”

Nick thought for a moment. “Without medicine… yeah.”

Julian nodded thoughtfully. “Is Steck happy you’re home? I heard you were away for a month! Do you remember any of it?”

At the mention of his name, Steck’s ears perked up and he let out a small meow. Nick didn’t answer any of the questions, too tired and out of it to speak that much.

“Steck!” Julian gasped and patted Steckrübe’s head. “Are you alright, Nick? Can you breathe? I’m sorry if I’m interrupting your breakfast. Did you finish your breakfast?”

After Nick once again didn’t answer fully, Alex intejected. “Nick’s still not feeling well. He can’t talk all that much. Right, Nick?” Nick looked up at Alex and nodded, relieved that Alex had jumped in to help this time. After this reminder, Julian sat down in the beanbag beside Nick and tried to talk a bit more slowly.

Alex smiled and went to the kitchen to clean up from breakfast. He could still hear Julian rambling away in the other room about what Nick missed in class and how bad he felt for him, although he couldn’t hear Nick offering anything in return. But Julian was obviously responding to something, considering he was taking little breaks between his rambles. By the time Alex came back into the room, Julian was telling a story and using Steckrübe to act out one of the characters as Nick laughed along quietly. Holding Steckrübe was a huge sign of trust from Nick, and Julian had entered the VIP friend-of-Steck club.

Julian was mid-sentence when his mum rang to tell him that he had been at Alex and Nick’s flat for too long. He sighed as he listened to her and then hung up. “My mum wants me to go,” he sighed, reminding Alex of just how young he still was. “It was nice seeing you guys! Can I come over again soon?" He looked expectantly between Alex and Nick.

Nick nodded furiously, which made both Alex and Julian giggle. "I think that's a yes," Alex smiled.

"Ok! See you guys!" Julian gave them a wave and headed out of the flat, a noticeable spring in his step.

Alex turned back to Nick. “What did you two talk about?”

Nick smiled, “School, music… Steck…” 

Alex laughed softly. “That’s great, Nick. I didn’t know you were so close with Julian!”

Nick nodded, “he’s my… only friend at school.” He paused, then added, "I think I'm...his only friend too."

"Yeah? I guess I can see that." Alex admired how perceptive Nick was, even if he didn't always show it. "But I'm glad you two found each other."

"Yeah," Nick agreed. 

“Want to get ready for the day now? I think you need a bath…”

“I’m smelly… I know…” Nick looked up at Alex with a grin.

"I mean, I wasn't going to say anything, but..." Alex returned Nick's smile. It felt good to see Nick so happy. He leaned down and gave Nick a kiss on the forehead. "Love you."

Nick beamed and bonked Alex's face with his mask. "Love you too."

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 44

Written by: Sol, Allegra

Edited by: Allegra

A week later, after an optimistic doctor’s appointment and a lot of walking practice, it was finally NIck’s birthday. He had survived another year, somehow. Alex woke up extra early to get started on a birthday surprise for Nick. He figured Nick wouldn’t be awake, and if he was, he couldn’t get very far to ruin the surprise. Alex began preheating the oven and rummaged around for the ingredients for cupcakes. He hadn’t baked in a long time, but he had an idea of exactly what to make for Nick.

While the cupcakes cooled, Alex headed back to the bedroom, hoping that Nick was awake by that point. And he was. He lay on his back, his right hand stroking Steckrübe between the ears. He looked up as Alex sat on the edge of the bed. "Happy birthday," Alex said softly, kissing Nick's forehead. 

Nick smiled wide behind the mask. "It's my birthday?"

Alex laughed. "Yeah, of course! Did you forget what day it is?" 

His attempt at sounding playful was lost on Nick, who immediately looked distressed. "Yeah...I did."

"Oh." Alex shifted uncomfortably. "Do you want to come out to the kitchen? I'll make you breakfast." 

Nick nodded. Alex helped him up and began leading him to the kitchen, one arm around Nick’s waist. Nick was slowly but surely getting stronger. As Nick took a few wobbly steps, he realized something. “It smells like…” Nick hesitated for a moment, “cake!”

Alex laughed, “Oh, must be our neighbors, then…”

Nick hmmed softly and let Alex lead him the rest of the way down the hall, one shaky step at a time. When they reached the kitchen, Nick's jaw dropped. "Cupcakes!"

Alex slipped his arms around Nick's waist. "Surprise!" He nuzzled the back of Nick's neck. "Wanted to do something special for you today. I hope you like it."

"I love it," Nick murmured, turning to look at Alex and bonking his mask against Alex's cheek. "Thank you...so much."

Alex laughed, “Of course, Nick. Want to help me frost them?” Nick nodded and wobbled a bit more on his still-unsteady feet. Alex helped him into one of the chairs at the kitchen table and handed him a cupcake to frost. “We can invite Bob and Paul over to help us finish these,” Alex suggested.

A while later, as Nick nibbled on his cupcake and Alex was cleaning up the mess from baking, there was a knock at the door. Alex finished washing his hands and rushed to unlock the door and open it, hoping that the person on the other side wouldn’t be too irritated. However, when Alex opened the door, no one was there— only a basket with a few items poking out of it.

He brought it inside to investigate, wondering if it could be a get well gift for Nick from one of his music school friends. However, the contents of the basket spoke for themselves. Inside was a cuddly rat plushie and a potted plant, and a small card shoved behind them. Since the card wasn’t in an envelope, Alex snuck a peek at it.

Dear Nick,

The rat plushie is for cuddles. The plant should help you get more oxygen into your system.

Happy birthday and get well soon!

Love,

Your pal, Dino

“More oxygen? He doesn’t even know how a collapsed lung works!” Alex whispered to himself, setting the basket down on the kitchen counter.

“What’s that?” Nick asked when he saw the basket.

“Ah… it’s…” Alex didn’t finish his answer and ran to grab his phone to call Paul and Bob.

Paul and Bob showed up not even twenty minutes later. By that point, Alex had helped Nick get to the sofa, still not showing him the gift or telling him what was going on. Nick didn’t even want to be on the sofa. He could only watch as Alex ushered Bob and Paul into the kitchen, not letting them stop to even say hello. Paul managed a quick wave and Bob gave a quiet "Happy birthday" as they passed. Nick frowned. What was Alex up to? He scooted to the corner of the sofa closer to the kitchen and craned his neck to hear better.

“Orange cupcakes?” Paul asked when Alex offered him one. "That’s a bit… different. I like your style.”

"It's Nick's favorite color," Alex said, waving his hands. "Look, I really need you guys to help me with this…"

"Whassat?" Paul asked, half of the cupcake already in his mouth.

Alex retrieved the gift basket and placed it on the table with a sigh. "I found this outside the door this morning. It's from Dino, apparently. I don't know what to do with it... How did he even know that it was Nick's birthday?"

Bob pulled the card out of its envelope and read it. He wrinkled his nose and passed the card to Paul, who let out a deep sigh and passed it back to Alex.

Nick contemplated getting up from the sofa, but knew that he wouldn’t be able to make it to the kitchen. If he fell flat on the floor like a pancake, he would at least be able to bring some attention to himself, but Nick knew Alex would respond by babying him more if he saw him sprawled out on the ground. Why were they talking about the basket? Why was it such a big deal? Why couldn’t Nick decide for himself if he wanted it or not? Would it be worse for Alex to see him on the floor, or if he wasn’t able to decide if he wanted the gift for himself?

With a soft grumble, Nick pushed himself up from the sofa and stumbled to the wall that divided the living room from the kitchen. It ended halfway through the flat, to give the space that ‘open concept’ feeling that Alex constantly pointed out, so Nick would have to stop leaning on it if he wanted to reach the kitchen. 

Luckily, Paul noticed before Nick had to venture into the kitchen unaided. He ran over and steadied Nick. “Trying to go to the kitchen?”

Nick nodded, ashamed that he needed help, irritated that Paul phrased it like that. Somehow, despite his frustration, Nick liked feeling Paul’s arm steadying him, open hand on his back. Nick refused to look up as he slowly made his way to the kitchen, Paul encouraging him with each hesitant step.

“Nick?” Alex asked as Paul led Nick into the room. “Sit him down at the table,” Alex suggested to Paul, once again ignoring Nick’s intentions. Paul took a sharp turn to make sure Nick was headed in the right direction.

Once Nick was seated at the table, Alex brought the basket over. “Alright. We decided to give this to you. It’s from Dino.”

“How did he…” Nick thought for a moment, before trailing off and realizing even he didn’t know it was his own birthday that day. He smiled when he saw the rat plushie and pulled it out of the basket to hold it.

Alex smiled at Nick’s delight. “I have a gift for you too…” He pulled out a red sweatshirt from behind the counter. “So you won’t have to steal mine all the time.”

Nick took the sweatshirt and turned it over and over in his hands, then buried his face in it. "So soft," he said, barely audible behind the mask. He looked up at Alex, beaming.

Bob then handed Nick another gift. “From both of us,” he clarified, not wanting to take all of the credit. Nick unwrapped the gift to reveal a new black and white checkered strap for his guitar. Nick smiled and quietly thanked his friends, although he began to feel himself shifting with uneasiness. When would they go away?

As soon as Alex carried Nick back to the living room, Nick began to fall asleep. Well, not really, but he pretended he couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer and that he was exhausted from all of the birthday festivities. He just wanted to be alone with Steckrübe, watching TV or playing guitar or trying to read. But for now, he had to act tired. Alex believed it, and Paul and Bob both felt equally bad about tiring Nick out, so within twenty minutes, the flat was empty. Mostly.

“Want to go to bed?” Alex asked, helping Nick up and beginning to walk him back to his bedroom before he could even respond.

Nick hesitantly let Alex guide him, feeling yet another unwanted hand on his back. He still needed to be held up, of course, but… something about the entire situation made his stomach churn. It wasn’t the support. Alex was great at helping Nick when he needed it, and without Alex holding him up as he stumbled and wobbled, Nick would have definitely run into a few more walls and fallen onto the floor a few more times than he already had. Maybe he even would have popped his lung again, but Nick didn’t want to imagine that. 

Nick stopped in the middle of the hallway and turned to face Alex. He wasn’t sure what he could do to alert Alex to the fact that he didn’t want to keep going. His only defense would be to flop onto the ground, although that would probably just worry Alex even more.

“Are you alright, Nick?”

“No.” The forceful tone in Nick’s voice surprised them both. “I want to go back...to the sofa.”

“Oh…” Alex replied, uneasy. “I think--” 

Nick turned away sharply, pulling himself free of Alex’s touch, and started wobbling back to the living room. Alex, being much faster than Nick, immediately caught up with him and steadied him again. Nick grunted and elbowed Alex, then flopped onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” Alex knelt down to help Nick get back on his feet, but Nick only thrashed a bit in response. He wriggled across the floor to pull himself onto the sofa, but by the time he got there he was too tired. Alex slipped his arms under Nick’s and pulled him into a seated position on his favorite cushion. He sat beside Nick, feeling very uncomfortable at Nick’s sudden defiance. “Nick, please, talk to me.”

Nick took a moment to catch his breath, not knowing if or when he would be able to talk to Alex. He adjusted the mask on his face and Alex instinctively reached over to stop him. Nick grabbed Alex's arm and shoved it away. "I'm fine."

Alex sighed and bit his lip. "Nick…" he repeated quietly, "please. I need you to talk to me." He hesitated for a moment, then reached out his hands, lightly grasping Nick's own. Nick, who was looking the other way, glaring at the wall, softened a bit at Alex's touch. He let out a sigh.

“You should…” Nick still tried to catch his breath, “you should be the one… talking to me.”

"What?" Alex shook his hair out of his eyes. "What do you mean?"

It took a moment for Nick to compose himself. "You never...ask me what I need...you just keep… doing everything...for me." He could feel his eyes starting to burn. 

“You think so?” Alex looked over at Nick, who still refused to make eye contact. It reminded Alex of their conversations in the abandoned prison, when Nick was too afraid to look into his eyes. "I just want to help you…"

“You’re helping,” Nick responded. He was starting to choke up, tears threatening to spill out of his eyes. He considered his words for a moment. “I’m just…more ok than… you think I am.”

"But…you can't even walk on your own, or breathe on your own…of course I'm worried about you." Alex squeezed Nick's hands and shifted closer to him.

"But you don't...even give me a chance…to try things on my own," Nick said softly. "Why didn't you want… to give me Dino's gift?"

“He’s not a good guy, Nick. I don’t want him to think he can be our friend suddenly.”

“He’s… not that bad…”

Alex opened his mouth to respond, to try and argue his point, but nothing came out. Nick was right. Alex wasn't listening to him. Somewhere along the line, he had decided that he knew what was best for Nick. He shut his mouth and stared at their clasped hands.

“So… can you… listen to me? Like… before all of this?” Nick finally looked up at Alex, his blue eyes teary and his usually pink cheeks a deeper shade of red. 

"Of course," Alex said, instinctively reaching up to brush Nick's tears away, but stopping himself short. "Is this ok?"

"Yes," Nick said. He trembled as Alex so lovingly wiped the tears off his cheeks and wrapped his arms around Nick's stomach. 

"I'm sorry," Alex said, his own breath shaky. "I'm just...I'm so worried about you. And I want to make sure you're ok. And I just...don't know what to do."

"I don't know what...to do either," Nick said, laughing softly. "But just…keep trying your best."

“I know,” Alex said softly, “I’ll keep trying. Until you’re better.”

Nick smiled and bonked Alex’s face with the mask. Alex grinned and buried his face into Nick's neck, holding him tight.

[find-the-eyes]

itao backstories: Even though Lukas wanted to have a life free of responsibility as an adult, he brought Nick with him to Munich out of fear of him being given up to the foster care system. They had to steal because Lukas couldn’t find a job steady enough to take care of Nick. He wanted to give Nick the best life he could by saving up everything he made from work for bills and school tuition and stealing things like food, clothes, and toiletries. However, Nick began stealing compulsively, even when he didn’t need to steal anything. Lukas knows it’s his fault that Nick has kleptomania and thinks it’s his fault that Nick got shot because of it. After Nick’s injury, Lukas began to distance himself because of the guilt and as a solution, sent Nick off by himself even though he knew Nick wouldn’t be able to take care of himself alone in a new environment and would crack within a few weeks

sio backstories: Valencia went to a college that doesn’t have a name yet. She lives in a yellow house on a street that doesn’t have a name yet. Her parents are nice, presumably. Her family is from Argentina, but I’m not really sure if she herself was involved in immigrating or if she was born in the United States. Maybe she’s actually from Uruguay or Peru or Chile or something. She has brown hair

[find-the-eyes]

I miss Peanut 🐀

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 43

Written by: Allegra, Sol, Beth Edited by: Beth, Allegra

Bob flopped down on the sofa later that evening to try to enjoy a book he had picked out from a local shop. Paul joined him a few minutes later and turned on the TV to the local sports station.

“Huh. Horses again,” he sighed and looked over at Bob.

Bob didn’t respond as he tried to focus on what he was reading. The book wasn’t as good as Bob had expected. Maybe Alex would have liked it more than he did.

“You alright, Bobbo?” Paul looked over at Bob, who quickly shut his book.

“Oh! Yeah, I guess so.”

“You guess so?”

“Yeah, well… I still don’t know how to feel about what happened earlier.”

“With Nick?”

Bob nodded. “I don’t know how I did that. I hope he doesn’t remember any of it…” Bob had slipped out of the room the moment Paul had returned with their lunch, carefully laying Nick's head back on the pillow and tiptoeing away as fast as he could. When Nick woke up, he didn’t say a word about it.

“Ah, don’t worry,” Paul reassured Bob, slipping an arm around him. “You did the right thing. I don’t think he remembers it, anyway.”

“I hope he doesn’t…” Bob sighed, “and I think he was talking in his sleep too.”

"Yeah?" Paul asked. "What were you texting me...he was saying varm?"

"Yeah. I suppose that probably means ‘warm’, right?"

“Sounds about right I guess. Did he say anything else?”

“Weich?”

Paul grabbed Bob’s laptop from the table, and Bob scooted closer to Paul to join him.

“That’s ‘soft.’ He called you soft!”

“Oh," Bob said, frowning. "I think he also said...matschig?”

“Hmm…” Paul typed it into the translator. “Squishy. He called you squishy?” Paul suppressed a laugh.

“He called me squishy?!”

"Apparently!" Paul said with a giggle. 

“Am I… squishy?” Bob asked softly. He had learned to not take comments about his weight seriously, but Nick's words - intentional or not - still stung.

“I guess so,” Paul smiled, “but that’s not a bad thing. I’d like to be a bit more squishy, actually. Some people think I’m scary because I’m all points and angles.” Bob smiled slightly at this, but Paul could sense his discomfort, so he shifted closer to Bob and climbed into his lap. "Hey," Paul said quietly, "don't take it personally. Nick was asleep, he probably didn't even know what he was saying. And it doesn't matter anyway, because you're adorable the way you are. Alright?" He ran his hand through Bob's hair and smiled.

Bob returned the smile and pulled Paul close. "Alright," he murmured before he wrapped his arms around Paul's waist and kissed him gently.

One kiss led to another, and another, and another, until they finally broke apart after nearly twenty minutes of making out. They lay in silence for a few minutes then, Bob on his side squashed into the back of the sofa and Paul, being much smaller, flat on his back beside him. Suddenly, an ad for a Christmas sale came on the TV.

“What are we doing for Christmas, Bobbo?”

“Uh…” Bob thought about it. “I’m sure we could go visit my family.”

“Your family?”

“Yeah, uh… I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if you came with me.” Bob’s parents had always been very accommodating.

“Do they… do they know?”

“Know what?”

“That we live together? That you’re a baby gay?”

“No. I haven’t told them anything,” Bob sighed, burying his face in his palm.

“Do you think you’re going to?”

“... It depends.”

“Depends on what?” Bob shrugged his shoulders at Paul’s question. Bob didn’t think that his parents would be upset that he’d taken in a roommate, or that he was gay - but he couldn’t be certain.

“Well,” Paul continued, “I’d be happy to be there for you if you decide you want to tell them. Moral support, yeah?”

Bob smiled. “Thanks,” he said softly. Paul was too good to him.

“Either way, we can’t be there for long. We have to be back to make sure the Chateau is working before the New Year’s Eve party.”

“You’ve got the new lights working?”

“Yeah, and the stage is in too! Just have to plug in some appliances and hope the place doesn’t blow up.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Bob laughed and leaned against the back of the sofa. “Y’know, I think my parents are going to like you.”

“Really?” Paul beamed. Most authority figures hated him.

“Yeah. Tell them you built the hottest new venue in the city. They’ll think you’re some sort of entrepreneur.”

Paul laughed and looked up at Bob. “I won’t scam them into believing anything. I’ll just be honest. We built the Chateau so Nick would feel better about doing crimes there.”

“Just clarify that it was petty theft, alright? And that he’s mentally ill?”

“What, don’t want them to think you’re friends with too many outcasts and weirdos?”

Bob laughed, “Ah… I just don’t know if they’ll judge me. Or you. Us.”

“They seem nice enough, at least from what you’ve told me.”

“I guess they are.” Bob rested his head on Paul’s stomach. “Oh, you really aren’t squishy.”

“Well, I guess we’ll just have to get some dinner!” Paul beamed again, then chuckled along with Bob as his stomach rumbled in perfect comic timing. “Fancy going out somewhere?”

“It’s a date!” Bob immediately regretted this sentence, but he relaxed his briefly tense body as Paul’s grin spread even wider across his freckled face. 

Paul stood up from the sofa to change his outfit, then kissed Bob on his forehead. “I can’t wait.”

As Bob watched Paul walk to the bedroom, he felt his cheeks burn and a lump in his throat. I can’t wait for my parents to meet him.

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 42

Written by: Sol, Allegra

Edited by: Beth, Allegra, Sol

The next morning, there was a knock on the door just as Alex was making breakfast for himself and Nick.

“Hi!” Paul exclaimed when Alex flung the door open in a rush, a spoon still in hand from mixing a smoothie for Nick. Bob stood beside him, grasping Alvy’s leash.

“You’re here early! Nick actually isn’t even up yet.” Alex welcomed his friends into the flat. Alvy bounded in, ready to play with Steckrübe, and immediately got to work searching the flat for him. Bob set his coat down on one of the chairs at the kitchen table and watched as Alex frantically continued to make Nick’s breakfast. “Haven’t checked on him in a while.”

Paul noticed that in addition to sounding tired the day before, Alex looked tired too. His eyes were puffy with dark circles under them and his face was unusually pale. His movements were unusually jittery. “Did you sleep much last night?” Paul sat atop the kitchen counter and watched as Alex continued making the smoothie.

“Mostly just made sure Nick kept breathing,” Alex laughed as he poured the smoothie into a glass and opened the refrigerator.

Paul frowned at that remark and hopped down from the counter. “Maybe you should go rest.”

“I can’t. Not until Nick can walk by himself and stops using that machine.”

“Want me to at least finish making breakfast?”

In the other room, Nick opened his eyes to a cold, wet sensation on his arm. They’re probably just putting a new IV in, it’s been a few days anyway— Nick suddenly remembered that he was home and looked down to see Alvy gently nudging his arm. “Alvy!” he whispered as he reached to pat him. Alvy must have been a bit uneasy, because he kept backing away. But Nick really wanted to pet him. “Alvyyyy…” Nick kept reaching further and further, until… CLUNK. He found himself on the floor next to Alvy, tangled in the ventilator tube.

Alvy sniffed Nick and licked the exposed part of his face, making sure he was okay. He then started barking to alert someone in the flat to the fact that Nick was on the floor and probably shouldn’t have been.

Alex dashed into Nick’s room and was horrified to find him sprawled on the floor. Thankfully, his worry subsided when he saw Nick reaching up to scratch Alvy’s chin. Alex patted Alvy’s head with a smile and then started helping Nick sit up and untangle himself from the tube. He managed to lift Nick off the floor and into the wheelchair seat.

“Good morning, love,” Alex said, running his hand through Nick’s hair. Nick’s cheeks colored faintly at the touch. “Sorry for waking you up so early. I didn’t think Paul and Bob would come over so soon.”

“It’s ok,” Nick said quietly. He scratched Alvy between the ears. “Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you… help me change?” Nick asked, gesturing to his pajamas. He had gotten used to people seeing him looking disheveled after a month in the hospital, and he knew it was only Bob and Paul anyway, but he still felt the need to look more presentable before he emerged for the day.

Alex nodded. “You want to brush your teeth too?” It was Nick’s turn to nod. Alex wheeled Nick to the bathroom. Nick clutched the ventilator, still blinking sleep out of his eyes.

Alex squeezed the toothpaste onto Nick’s toothbrush and carefully removed his mask. While Nick brushed, Alex went back into the bedroom to grab the fresh pajamas. After Nick awkwardly rinsed out his mouth by attempting to stick his whole face under the faucet, he lifted himself out of his seat shakily and balanced his arms on the edge of the sink. He stared at the face reflected in the mirror. Chapped lips. Tousled hair. Dark, sunken eyes. Quite a significant amount of weight loss. Nick barely had any idea who he was anymore. He wondered what he looked like when he smiled, when he was sleeping, when he made pathetic attempts at walking… Maybe his appearance was what worried everyone. His clothes hung off of his body. He looked dead. I didn’t think I would look this bad, Nick thought, still taking in his current appearance. How can someone who looks so dead still be alive? He would never recover. He knew it. He would be confined to this form forever.

Nick carefully adjusted his weight and balanced on one arm to slip his hand beneath his t-shirt. He ran his hand over the bruise on his chest, wincing at the discomfort that still lingered weeks later. Just beneath it sat the scar from being shot, and further down his stomach, the scar from Nick’s ICU feeding tube. Nick hated feeling scarred, his skin permanently disfigured.

“All set?” Alex called from the doorway. Nick saw Alex appear behind him in the mirror, clutching Nick’s clothes, a hairbrush, and some deodorant. Nick saw Alex’s eyes widen as he noticed Nick out of his seat, leaning on his now-trembling arms, his legs beginning to wobble under him. He strode over to Nick. “Are you—”

“I’m fine.” Nick grumbled to himself. Alex grabbed Nick’s waist and sat him against the wall so he could get changed. Something seemed off, but Alex decided to ignore it. Nick tried to wiggle out of his pants and slip the new ones on. He batted Alex's hands away when he tried to grab the waistband. "I can do it," Nick grumbled a little more harshly than he meant to.

“Can you?” Alex sighed as he watched Nick wriggle on the floor like a worm drying up on the pavement.

Eventually, Nick had to give up. He sat against the wall, his breathing turning into heavy wheezing from the exhaustion of flopping around on the floor. Alex slipped the new pair of pajama pants onto Nick’s legs in no time.

Alex then grabbed the hem of Nick's shirt and lifted it up, grazing the bruise along the way. Nick grunted and slapped Alex's hands away, more forcefully this time. "Oh! Sorry. Is that the bruise from when you hit the barricade?" Alex asked. "Can I…"

Nick didn't say anything, his breathing heavy from anxiety and anger and the lack of the ventilator. He whined and turned away, reflexively covering his chest and stomach. Alex frowned and waited for Nick to turn back to him. “I won’t touch it, I promise…”

Nick whined again and scooted back against the wall. Alex only went closer. “Please? I just want to see if it’s healed all the way.”

Nick shook his head and continued to cover his chest and stomach. He even attempted to swipe at Alex’s hands once more, but missed and nearly toppled himself over.

“Okay, then…can you show me?” Alex finally asked. Nick nodded reluctantly and slowly turned back to Alex. He lifted his shirt and showed Alex that the bruise was more green and yellow than purple. Alex smiled. “It looks so much better than before!”

Nick’s eyes instantly lit up as his face broke into a careful smile. Maybe he really was getting better. Alex helped him slip into a new t-shirt and a fresh sweatshirt from Alex’s personal collection, then slipped the fuzzy socks onto Nick’s feet.

Before putting the ventilator mask back on Nick’s face, Alex found himself once again captivated by Nick’s lips. Except… they were chapped now, probably because of the constant dry air being forced into them by the ventilator. Alex got up and ran to the sink, throwing open one of the drawers and retrieving a Chapstick. He handed it to Nick and let him put it on by himself. He wanted to give Nick at least one self care achievement for the day, and while it pained him not to be able to touch Nick’s lips, he was satisfied knowing that Nick felt accomplished.

“Oh! I almost forgot,” Alex said, quickly striding back into Nick’s room and returning to the bathroom with two small bottles. “Your medicine…”

Nick nodded to prepare himself as Alex poured the contents of the first bottle into a teaspoon. He lifted it to Nick's lips, holding his hand underneath to catch any drips. Nick gagged a bit at the taste and Alex couldn't help but smile. "It's gross, I know." Nick nodded vigorously. Taking medicine had never been one of his strong points, but he desperately wanted to get better.

Once Nick had gagged down a second spoonful, Alex turned the ventilator back on and fastened the mask back onto Nick’s face. Since Nick still couldn’t lift his arms all the way without a significant amount of pain, Alex helped him brush his hair and restore it to its usual soft, fluffy state. Finally, after a few minutes, he put the brush down and gave Nick a gentle kiss on his forehead. Nick grabbed Alex’s shoulders and bonked his face with the mask. Alex let out a laugh as he stood Nick up and helped him get back to his wheelchair.

Alex wheeled Nick into the living room to see Bob and Paul, and helped him walk the last few feet to the sofa. Nick collapsed on the sofa, next to Bob, and Alex helped him sit up.

“You should really go get some rest,” Paul sighed as he watched Alex put the ventilator back in Nick’s lap.

“Who’s going to take care of Nick then?” Alex sighed, gently running his fingers through Nick’s hair.

“Ah… I think we’ve got it for the next couple hours,” Paul laughed, increasingly worried about Alex’s protective state.

“Hours?”

“Yeah. Go take a nap. We’ll take care of Nick, alright?”

Alex nodded and trudged to his bedroom. He hadn’t slept in his own bed since the night before Nick came home. He missed sleeping in it, but Nick’s safety was a greater concern than a good night of sleep.

In the living room, after being served his breakfast and eating almost all of it, Nick sat sleepily patting Steckrübe and listening to Paul and Bob’s conversation. He felt his eyes beginning to close as Paul mentioned something about a squirrel he had seen earlier that day.

“Tired?” Paul glanced over at Nick, who nodded and held back a yawn. “Want to go back to bed, then?”

Nick nodded again. Paul helped him into the wheelchair and began wheeling him back to his room. He then got him into his bed and decided that he would go pick up some lunch while Alex was sleeping.

“Bob, can you stay with Nick for the next hour or so? I’m going to go pick up lunch from the shop by the museum. Sandwiches, maybe some soup for Nick?”

Bob nodded to affirm that everything Paul had suggested was alright with him, although he secretly felt a bit apprehensive about staying with Nick as he slept. He looked so… fragile. In a different way than before. Nick was pale and thin; he looked like he might crumble into pieces if Bob even laid a finger on him. His deep blue eyes were sad, sunken in, ready to cry if Bob looked into them too harshly. Bob looked back up at Paul, who gave him a slightly confused look and a thumbs up.

As Paul left the room, Bob sat cautiously on the edge of Nick’s bed. Alvy and Steckrübe came into the room as well, wanting to be around their favorite people. Alvy laid down on the floor, his chin against the carpet. Steckrübe hopped onto the bed and curled up in a ball near Nick’s feet. Bob smiled and reached to pat Steckrübe. Nick, feeling some movement near his feet, shifted just enough to grab Bob’s arm and pull him down. Bob immediately pulled away and stood up. Nick looked up and whined softly, weakly reaching an arm up to Bob.

“You want me… to sit with you?” Bob couldn’t bring himself to say cuddle, although he could tell that was what Nick wanted.

Nick nodded and patted the space on the bed next to him.

“Ah… Alright…!” Bob laughed, trying to conceal his sweaty hands and his racing heart. Nick was cute, after all. He climbed onto the bed and sat next to Nick, not wanting to initiate anything.

Nick leaned back against the pillow and sighed contentedly. He looked up at Bob with a blank stare and a slight smile. Bob looked at him out of the corner of his eye, not daring to make eye contact. "You alright?"

A quiet "Yeah…" was all Bob could hear before Nick went silent, save for the soft pumping noise of the ventilator. He didn't dare to look for a few minutes. When he finally worked up the nerve to glance over, he felt a flutter in his stomach. Sleeping Nick was a sight to behold, soft hair and pink cheeks, lips parted behind the mask--

Bob shook his head to clear his brain. He didn't like Nick like that…right? Maybe he did. It was fine to admire someone aesthetically while involved with someone else. Is that attraction aesthetic? Do I like how he looks or do I want to be with him? The last few months had been such a rollercoaster of emotions that Bob didn’t even know how he felt anymore.

Now that Nick was safely asleep, Bob wasn’t sure what to do with himself. Nick wouldn’t know if he got up and left - but how would he feel when he woke up alone? Alex will kill me if Nick wakes up and nobody’s with him. Bob shifted onto his side enough to wiggle his phone out of his pocket without disturbing Nick. He was seven levels deep into Brick Breaker when he felt a soft bonk on his shoulder. He froze. Nick was sleeping on him. Nick...was sleeping on him. Shit. He clutched his phone in his now-sweaty hand and tried desperately to calm down.

Nick’s arm lay on Bob’s stomach, but Bob was too afraid to move it in case he hurt the sickly man, or even worse, woke him up. Bob was too nervous to even move his head in case he knocked Nick’s mask from his face. Bob felt uncomfortable in every possible way; his body had tensed up and was beginning to ache. I can’t move. I can’t move him. What the hell do I do?

Bob was pulled from his thoughts by Nick, who had begun to twitch slightly. Then Nick whimpered and thrashed his legs wildly. He let out a sob and threw his arm across Bob’s stomach, clutching onto him for protection. Bob had no idea what to do. Why is he shaking so much? Did he stop breathing? Does he need to go to the hospital? Bob craned his neck to check the ventilator - it was still humming and blinking, which was a good sign. Nick was still trembling. Was he having a nightmare? Bob contemplated waking him up before deciding that he was wholly unprepared to deal with the awkward situation that would no doubt ensue. Instead, he slipped his right arm behind Nick and tentatively began to rub his hand up and down Nick’s back. He didn’t entirely know if it would work, but he remembered his mother doing the same for him when he was a kid, and it had always made him feel better.

The moment Bob started rubbing small circles between Nick’s shoulders, it was as though a switch had flipped. Nick stilled and then relaxed, burying his cheek in Bob’s chest. Bob breathed a sigh of relief, but the feeling was quickly replaced with anxiety at the realization that he was now very much cuddling with a very cute boy who was very unaware of the entire situation.

Bob picked up his phone, which he had dropped into the blankets in the frenzy, and awkwardly navigated to his text messages. He frantically started tapping out a one-handed message to the only person who could guide him through this.

BOB: Paul pkease help me

BOB: Nicj fell asleep hes cuddling me I dont know what to do

“Warm…”

Bob nearly yelped. “What?” he hissed, eyes wide.

Nick readjusted himself, pulling Bob in tight. “Warm…” he repeated.

BOB: He keeps sayimg varm

BOB: Whats varm

BOB: What do i do?

“Weich...matschig…” Nick’s voice was soft and sweet. Bob could practically hear him smiling in his sleep. He had to get out of there. His phone suddenly buzzed.

PAUL: Just let him sleep

BOB: WGAT

PAUL: Let him sleep its ok. He needs you :)

Bob let out a groan. He looked back to Nick, who was peacefully asleep beside him. Maybe it was a good thing that Nick was asleep. There was less to worry about when Nick was asleep.

BOB: Please come soom im scared

PAUL: Lol youre so cute. Ill be there in 15 min

Bob sighed and put the phone down. Nick nuzzled him and mumbled a few more incoherent phrases. It was going to be a long wait.

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 41

Written by: Sol, Beth, Allegra Edited by: Beth, Allegra

After he had left Nick to stew in his own anger, Alex sat in the hallway and listened to the sound of Nick’s ventilator whirring. He didn’t want to leave in case Nick was still struggling to breathe, but after twenty minutes Alex decided that he was fine, and went to the living room. 

He flopped onto the sofa and began staring at the ceiling; his stomach cramped in guilt. I pushed him too far. What if this makes him worse? What if he hates me? A thousand awful thoughts swirled around his head, so many that he almost felt dizzy. Alex couldn't take it any longer. He pulled out his phone and texted Paul. 

Alex: Are you awake?

He nervously flipped his phone open and closed, waiting for a message.

Alex: Call me please. I need you.

Alex had nearly given up hope when his phone began to buzz. “Oh thank god,” he murmured as he pressed the green button. “Hello?”

“Are you alright?” Paul's voice was quiet but filled with genuine concern.

“Yeah...well...no, not really.”

“What happened?”

Alex turned and looked down the hall towards his bedroom. “Nick…” he said shakily.

“Shit, is he ok?! What happened now?!” Paul's voice grew more frantic. “Do you need me to come over?”

“No, no, he's ok. I mean,” Alex faltered, “I think he's ok? I...I think I screwed everything up.” His chest felt tight. He bit back tears.

Paul paused, unsure of what to say. “I mean...I don't know what happened, but I don't think that's true at all. Nick loves you. And you love him. I don't think it's anything you can't fix…”

Alex buried his face in the arm of the sofa, hot tears slipping down his cheeks. He did love Nick. He loved Nick more than anything or anyone he'd ever loved before. Why had he been so stupid? 

“You there?” 

Alex came back to reality. He took a deep breath to try and sound as normal as possible. “Yeah. I just...I want him to feel better, and he's not getting any better, and I tried to help him walk, but I pushed him too far beyond his limits and he fell and now he's in bed and won't talk to me—” Alex put his hand over the mouthpiece as a sob escaped him.

“Alex,” Paul said in a voice so gentle that it only made Alex cry harder. 

“I knew I wouldn’t be able to help him; he’ll be back in the hospital by tomorrow—”

“Alex!” Paul cut him off. “Don’t say that!”

Alex looked up, staring blankly into the empty flat, gasping for breath. He could still hear the whirring sound coming from Nick’s room. Maybe the whirring sound could hear him, too.

“Alex?”

“Yeah—” Alex was shaken back to reality once again. “What do I do? I can’t leave him alone for too long…”

“Talk it out,” Paul said matter of factly. Alex could almost see him shrugging and giving him a casual smile.

“How do I talk it out with someone who can barely speak?”

“Listen to what he has to say,” Paul advised, “and respond with a bit of empathy.”

“You think I’m not already doing that?”

“Alex, I haven’t been there to see it, and I know you’re trying, but… please, really try to listen to him. He’s angry because he’s helpless and feels like you aren't listening to him.”

Alex regained a bit of composure. “Right.” 

“He’s just frustrated. I’d be frustrated too if I couldn’t walk or breathe by myself.”

Alex nodded, and then remembered he had to express something verbally. “Yeah,” he sighed.

“Give Nick a moment or two to rest, alright? Make yourself tea or something. Leave enough water in the kettle for Nick as well, if he wants some. And then, go talk to him.”

“Okay,” Alex finally smiled. “How do you know all of this?”

“Ah, it’s just what I’d do with my Bobbo if we were in the same situation.”

“Your Bobbo?” Alex laughed softly, through the tears that continued to well up in his eyes.

“Yeah, my Bobbo…” Alex could practically hear Paul’s smile through the phone. “I don’t know what I’d do if he were in the same situation as Nick. That must be so hard.”

“It sounds like you do. And it is, but… It’s better than him being back in the abandoned prison.”

“You’re right,” Paul agreed. “Hey, you feeling better now?”

“Yeah. Thanks. Sorry to bother you.”

“No worries,” Paul replied. “I think Bob’s got some stuff to do today, but maybe tomorrow we can come by and visit? If Nick’s up to it...”

“Oh! Sure!” Alex smiled. “I mean, as long as he hasn’t kicked me out or anything.”

Paul laughed softly. “He can’t kick you out of your own flat. Anyway, I’m sure you’ll be fine. I’ll text you later, yeah?”

“Okay,” Alex said, hoping Paul was right.

After they had said their goodbyes, Alex did exactly what Paul said. He brewed himself a cup of tea and sat on the sofa with it. It tasted more like pure warmth than anything else. He missed Nick’s presence beside him. Nick felt more like pure warmth than anything else. At least Alex had left some water in the kettle for him.

Give him a moment or two, and then… Alex got up from the sofa and ventured to Nick’s room, stopping outside the door for a moment, or maybe more than a moment. The whirring sound was louder than ever as he entered the room. “Nick?” He went over to Nick and waited for him to react. Nick's eyes were closed, but Alex could tell by his face that he wasn't actually asleep. "Nick??" he said again, a little louder this time. Nick opened his eyes and glared at Alex. He rolled over and faced the wall.

"Nick," Alex repeated again, softly, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Can we talk? Please?"

Although Nick was facing the other way, Alex could hear him grumble. Nick pulled at the mask and tried to take it off, but his grip was too weak. Alex reached for the mask and secured it onto Nick’s face.

“Can you speak with the settings like that?” Alex asked, seeing the rate at which the little machine was whirring and puffing. Had he ruined Nick’s vocal cords too?

Nick shook his head, trying to choke out any sound that he could. Nothing.

“Alright, alright, I’ll change it,” Alex pressed a few buttons and set the ventilator settings back to normal. “There we go. So… do you want to talk it out?”

Nick grumbled again. Alex frowned and tried to stroke Nick’s hair. He had never seen Nick act this way. It was difficult to take him seriously when his arguments were quiet grumbles and he had fuzzy socks on his feet, but Alex remembered Paul’s advice.

“I’m sorry for pushing you too far earlier,” Alex sighed as he tried to stroke Nick’s hair again. Nick pushed him away and mumbled something to himself. “I just want to help you,” Alex said quietly.

Nick finally looked up at Alex. “Fine. Let’s talk.” His voice was still quiet and sounded like it could break at any moment. Alex still had to lean in a bit to hear him.

“Alright. Are you feeling okay? Can you breathe now?”

“Obviously not,” Nick mumbled and turned away from Alex. “I still have this...stupid mask on.”

“It’s only temporary…”

“Easy to say when… you’re not the one wearing it,” Nick said haltingly. He reached up to the mask to try to take it off, but Alex stopped him.

“You’re right. I’m just glad you’re breathing at all.”

“You tried to… get me to stop earlier.” Nick pulled the blankets up to his eyes.

“Please, Nick… it wasn’t on purpose. I just didn’t know your limits.”

“You should now,” Nick muttered, hiding his face.

“I do,” Alex smiled. “I know now. Sorry about all that.”

Nick nodded and finally looked up at Alex. “Sorry for worrying you.”

“You didn’t worry me,” Alex gently patted Nick’s hair. Nick didn’t try to throw him off this time.

“I heard you... talking to Paul...you were worried.”

“I just want you to feel better…”

“Well it… won’t happen... instantly.”

“Yeah. I know.” Alex looked down at Nick and stroked his hair. “I just thought… never mind.”

“Thought what?”

“I thought you could walk that far.”

“I can’t,” Nick grumbled again and turned away from Alex.

Alex corrected Nick softly, “Not yet.”

Nick sighed and slowly pushed himself upright. “Not yet.”

Alex was still having a hard time taking Nick seriously. His voice was so soft and quiet, constantly being dragged away by the rhythm of the ventilator.

“Are you feeling better from earlier, though?” Alex asked, stroking Nick’s hair softly.

“Yeah, I’m not… on the floor choking.”

“That’s good to hear.” Alex smiled and continued waiting for Nick to face him again.

“It hurts, Alex... Everything hurts. And I’m... scared,” Nick finally broke, turning to Alex. Tears spilled down his cheeks. He hugged Alex and buried his face in his chest. “I’m scared.”

Alex wrapped his arms around Nick and held him. Nick continued to cry, but felt soothed by Alex. It was comforting to finally be held again. After a while, once Nick calmed down, Alex sat him up again.

“Nick, look at me.”

Nick turned to him, looking sleepy but appreciative nonetheless.

“You’re going to get better. I’m here for you and I always will be. Never doubt that, alright? I love you.” Alex hugged him again, feeling Nick’s heart beat steadily.

Nick hugged Alex back. “I love you too.”

“I made tea, you want some?” Alex smiled as he brushed Nick’s hair out of his eyes.

Nick nodded and smiled, his eyes finally bright.

“Alright. I’ll be right back.”

[find-the-eyes]

another announcement

we made blogs for the itao boys!

they’re not linking for some reason but you can follow them here:

Alex: @kapranderxander

Nick: @nitzkirube

Bob: @bobboposts

Paul: @polthommo

Dino: @ratboy420

Julian: @miaouxcore

have fun and make sure to send them lots of asks!

[find-the-eyes]

announcement

HI GUYS, Sol here!

my mental health has been 𝒾𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝑔𝒶𝓇𝒷𝒶𝑔𝑒 lately so I’m taking a break from consistently writing itao. I love writing itao, it just zaps up all of my creative energy & motivation and I’m not about to have that going into senior year. this means we need a new writer to help out.

if you’re interested, send us a sample of your writing. you also have to be ready to dedicate a lot of time to this project, so be prepared & know what you’re getting into!

this situation is in pretty dire need of a solution so even if you’re just thinking of working on itao, send us a message! ask your friends too!

if you have any questions, please ask us!

thanks,

Sol