findclearwaters-blog

[findclearwaters-blog]

When I will win

I am too reliant on others. Not in a helpless sort of way, more in terms of my happiness being dependent upon other’s words/actions. This applies most specifically to men. Its interesting, I got a rather late start to the dating game so I am just sort of figuring out the kind of woman I am when I dabble in affairs of the heart. I broke up with that boy that made me want to pierce holes in my cheek with my teeth. It was a disaster. Lingered for months until my aforementioned obsession collided with my soon to be failed relationship. I miss the boy I broke up with. He was good. He was damaged, almost beyond repair and in ways that made it impossible to foresee a future together, but he was good. He was sweet and loyal; he knew how to be a man in so many ways yet had no fucking idea how to be an adult in so many others. The new boy, the obsession, is far beyond my control. I have requested he give me space multiple times but he simply wont leave me alone. I dont want him to leave me alone, not really. I am infatuated with him. I am desperate for his attention. He is likely some sort of blend of sociopathic and borderline. I cant shake him, despite my best efforts. The trouble is, I really fucking like spending time with him. Maybe I don’t, though. Maybe I am simply under the influence of whatever neurochemical explosion is constantly going off in my brain. He has his hooks in me good, I must admit. I hate the way I feel after I see him. I feel pathetic and yearning for even baseline affection/attention. He really is completely awful. Not his fault, really, but he refuses to get help which isnt encouraging. He has been driving me insane for exactly one year. Our exchange this evening involved him saying that I must not really want him to leave me alone because people that want to be left alone don’t act like me. He’s right.

[findclearwaters-blog]

Not sure- yet.

8/14

I just played guitar for the first time in a while. I still can, sort of. I dont even know where to begin in regards to how different, surprising and difficult my life has been since moving here/that last post.

That comfort zone thing I spoke of? Very real. I have spent the bulk of my time feeling as though my clothes and skin have been removed. As if Im just walking around with no coating, no barrier between me and life’s sensations. In the beginning, I didnt really realize what was happening. I went to see a therapist at my school in November, then there were fires and mudslides and I didnt make it back into therapy around April? Things got dark.

Fall wasnt too bad- classes were manageable, everything was still new and exciting. I tend to feel warmer when its cold out, as well. The holidays were intense. I experienced an extremely bizarre “ocular aura” migraine right around thanksgiving and had to get an MRI. I sat down to write a paper and was thrown into complete and utter confusion. My vision went funny and everything was looking mildly psychedelic. It was one of the most frightening experiences of my life. The boy im with threw a tantrum the day it happened. The visual symtoms lingered for weeks. This boy also threw a tantrum on christmas eve. Nothing new about that. I then emerged from my favorite time of year directly into horrible meteorological tragedy.

When classes started in Spring, I sort of fell apart. I was consumed with anxiety and stress- convinced I wouldnt make it through some of my classes.

You know, Im trying to write this and my boyfriend just came home from the gym wanted to talk about yet another of our fights that ocured this morning. One in which he lost his shit because I called him messy. I have been working on being okay with being wrong as well as saying sorry and I did that earlier today and he is just pushing and pushing and fucking pushing. I am not sorry for earlier today. When he was talking to me just now I got the distinct instinct to pierce the inside of my mouth with my teeth. Deciding against this, I clenched my teeth with the interior of my mouth between them. At his last request to admit even more fault, I promptly stated, “I dont want to talk about this anymore.” In that moment, I hated him.

Anyways, back to Spring quarter. This boy and I went to Portland- fought the whole time. That was a bit of a turning point, truthfully. After that trip I spent practically every weekend in Los Angeles, visiting with old friends and one new one in particular. This consumed me. I reached a new level of uncontrollable and relentless obsession. There were moments I really thought I was on the brink of coming undone. This went on until late June, when I decided to make a decision that might free myself from my self constructed prison of secrecy, lies and deceit. When I was home in Santa Barbara I would spend entire days in bed, on my phone, fucking with myself and watching netflix. After I made this decision, everything sort of shifted.

Here we are in August. Im trying my best to salvage whats left of my likely failed relationship, I have one year left of school, I switched my emphasis to GIS which could prove to be more difficult than Im prepared for, I work for the same company Ive worked for since October of last year, my mom is having a heart procedure done on monday, I havent spoken to Lindsey in just over a year, I have started vaping CBD oil, Ive become more confident in my decision to walk away from AA, my realtionship with my dad has been strained but recently better after discussing it with my therapist, my brother has blood cancer and married his german girlfriend, my other brother is moving back to australia soon and I have no idea what Im going to do after I graduate.

[findclearwaters-blog]

No thanks

There are no dates on my previous posts, bummer. while some of the expressed sentiments i rambled on about still hold fast, much of how i view the world has changed. i really got my shit together, all things considered.

im not with that boy i hated so much. i dumped him in january of 2015 (we mutually broke up but he begged and begged for me back and then tattooed my name on his body and i, despite my lack of self esteem, or maybe because of, remained strong). it was painful, it sucked, but i did it. i decided i was going to fall in love with myself and about 2 weeks after the breakup (valentines day) a new boy called. i used to have a large crush on this boy but after having successfully tucked myself away into the friend zone (as per usual) i hadnt given him much thought in that capacity for a while. after about 8 months of trying to not go insane while we both attempted the whole friends with benefits thing he asked me to be his girlfriend. were still together. he is very interested in my likes and my dislikes, my favorite foods and facts and movies; all that jazz. for the most part its great (and a definite upgrade).

i moved away from the city i hated so much. i got into school in santa barbara and live just north of campus. my boyfriend came with.

i quit that job that i hated so much. i left for another, similar job, got fired a month in and decided to walk dogs full time. i did that for almost 3 years. i worked every day and saved a lot of money. speaking of, im now able to afford all of the things i whined about not being able to afford.

i stopped going to those meetings i hated so much. I dont know why but im doing fairly well without them. it took a while for me to muster up the strength to take a step back from the program but i am certainly glad i did. if i think about it too hard my thoughts start turning a little too introspective and spooky, though. i mean, i was a full blown heroin addict and have been told time and time again i am broken and the only thing that might keep me glued together is the program. am i an anomaly? was i not really an addict? no and no (hence the confusion), so whats going on? why isnt my life falling apart? how on earth am i still sober and more importantly, happy? id like to think that i have enough wherewithal and self awareness to recognize the wide array of ominous signs the precede a relapse but who really knows. im fairly content, and have seemed to be able to maintain said contentment for a while, so im rolling with it for now.

i cant remember what else i complained about so im going to stop listing the things i changed that i used to hate.

so i made this move about two weeks ago. i left my little dog walking business, i left my friends, i left my condo and most significantly, i left my comfort zone. i dont know what im going to do for work yet; im sort of just taking it easy and listening to my gut. i worked 7 days a week in los angeles so before i jump on the full time employment/student train, id like to see if its possible for myself to fully, fulllly relax. Its still sort of tricky for me to get through the day without thinking i have somewhere to be or something to do. i want to get good at completely basking in having no commitments (something i claim to have always wanted).

i live with my boyfriend who im fairly sure i would like to marry. sometimes, when we fight or miscommunicate, this large red flag starts waving in my brain that makes me wonder how on earth i could ever spend a supposed eternity with him, but once we regroup and start really communicating im reminded why. he is a good egg. a good egg with a horribly tragic past, but a good egg none the less.

im nervous to start school. big girl school. i wrestle with my obsession to obtain a degree, given that i would rather set myself on fire than ever clock in/out to make someone else rich ever again, but i always seem to return to ultimately wanting to achieve this milestone. i picked up and moved for it so i guess it feels like i should really know what i want and what im doing but i just dont. it just feels right? we shall see.

also, i need new friends.

[findclearwaters-blog]

hey there! me again! so my boyfriend is a complete piece of shit. i dont even know where to begin or why. he stormed off again and of course, like the little bitch i am, i went after him. initially he left because i asked what the fuck would happen to him if he didnt listen to people in prison. i asked this because i cant tell you the number of times ive asked him to stop doing basic, inconsiderate shit. he leaves his shit everywhere, drops wet towels wherever he feels like it, makes a mess and doesnt think twice, drops food all over my floor but shows no sign of stopping. and now, because he never planned on making an effort to stop in the first place, i have become the nag.

none of what i just wrote matters. what matters is that i am going out with someone who doesnt know my families names, doesnt know my favorite food, music, colors or hobbies. whats worse is that he doesnt even care to find out. he gets butt hurt easily. he has an impossibly difficult time opening up and having a calm conversation, he is unmotivated and stuck and has no desire to do anything about it but most importantly, he thinks the world is out to get him. everyone is laughing at him, everyone is talking about him, everyone is fucking with his life.

how many times do i have to ask you to do something until you actually do it? youre not my fucking mom, he says. oh, funny, but i am someone you claim to love and care about so would it fucking kill you to make a minimal effort? YOURE A FUCKING DRAG.

you dont go out of your way to little thoughtful things, just to show that you care. you tolerate me. everything i say is an attack. you dont ask me about my family, my job, school or my day. you dont know my hobbies, favorite foods, colors, music and movies. you cant make a little effort to change simple things that bother me, just because they bother me. i have altered the way i speak and act because there are certain things that make you uncomfortable. you cant explain to me why youre hurting, everything is an attack. everything. every girl loves the little things. you dont kiss me just because, you cant even say i love you just because i like it, everything is a fucking battle. its not about the trash, its about being selfless. if it bothers her, just dont do it. i wash your clothes, dont put them in the dryer and you leave them all over my floor. when we have sex, youre not thinking about me and how i feel, youre thinking about yourself. these things that i ask you over and over are just getting to be overwhelming. if you cant change the little things, how are you supposed to work on the big things. if you cant lift up the toilet seat, how are you going to approach sex differently

[findclearwaters-blog]

My boyfriend and i just broke up for the 80th time just now. i picked him up earlier because he said he hadnt slept due to bad dreams and i thought it might be nice for him to sleep in my bed away from his hellhole apartment. we napped, he tried to have sex with me, he woke up and said he was hungry, so i made him food. after that, i asked him for the 40th time if he could please close the sliding glass door when the air is on and all i got is what i always get, a defensive angry expression and no words. he then came into my room, asked me for the money he gave me to put aside so we could go to mexico and told me he was falling out of love with me.

so i dont really know what to say at the moment, other than right now i am terrified, angry as fuck and cant stop thinking about him.

we need to break up though. he relapses all the time on meth, goes insane, turns into an asshole, gets all sweet and scared of losing me and then it just gets worse from there. he doesnt give a shit about my work, school, friends or family, all he thinkins about is who hates him, who he hates, what hell never accomplish and himself. dip all of that in ego, stupidity, ignorance, self hatred and selfishness and there you have my boyfriend.

makes me (and probably you) wonder what the fuck there is to like about this guy and to tell you the truth, im having to look too hard into my heart to figure that out anymore. i like that he sees me for who i am, calls me on my shit and sees through my bullshit that seems to work on everyone else. i like how perceptive he is of people, i like that he is mexican, i like that he was a con and gang member, i like that weve stayed together this long, i like that he likes me despite my flaws and i like being with him (depending on his mood).

unfortunately though, all the good he possesses is shadowed by the bad. he is an active drug addict whether hes using or not and his entire sense of self is shrouded in self hatred.

if im being totally honest, i am the most terrified of never finding someone who would ever like me again. im not very likable and im not hot. i like saying i have a boyfriend. he was my first boyfriend, i know i dont want to marry him at all but i am still very sad. i miss him already and hate him all the same.

[findclearwaters-blog]

my boyfriend sucks. he hasnt spoken to me since he abruptly left my house a couple days ago. i never know why hes mad anymore but its usually easy to guess. its likely that this time he left because my roommate got us some dinner, he refused to sit at the table because human beings that live outside of his comfort zone make him uncomfortable, and then proceeded to get all worked up about how uncomfortable HE felt.

he really does drive me completely insane, like no one has before. he has double standards about nearly everything and is completely blind to them. the day before i last saw him he was a complete asshole to me because of something his head decided was true and instead of challenging that thought, he ran with it. only to find out the next day he was, in fact, the crazy one.

i dont really know what to do about it anymore. i do love him; when things are good theyre amazing but when things are bad, theyre horrible. unfortunately the bad is outweighing the good these days.

the fact of the matter is, though, that he is my first boyfriend. he loved me despite my physical flaws and crazy head and its terrifying to think of having to find someone again. i am more afraid of being alone forever than compromising my own beliefs and morals with him.

[findclearwaters-blog]

i dont truthfully check in with myself very often. i dont know if my likes and dislikes are claimable or if theyre just regurgitated. i know i like glitter, i like color, i like paper mache, i like swimming in the ocean, i like photography, i like the rain, i like clouds, i like driving, i like being underwater, i like oldies, i like love but other than that im not sure what else there is.

i used to like drawing, playing guitar, singing, swimming, water polo, writing, going on adventures, using my imagination, learning, being creative and everything else i lost in the fire.

im struggling with passion in general, for i am passionate about next to nothing.

[findclearwaters-blog]

i hate most everything about my life at the moment.

i hate my roommates. theyre both messy, out of touch with their emotions, have zero ambition, extremely complacent, full of shit, uneducated, come from solid families, take what they have for granted and have horrible taste in music.

i hate where i live. los angeles has no soul.

i hate my job. making sure my rich white boss and her family can stay comfortable while paying me minimum wage does nothing for my motivation. my coworkers have let this piece of shit cafe become their lives. theyre all washed up, old fucks that moved to LA to pursue a career in some form of entertainment dick sucking in one way or another and have failed.

i hate AA. 99% of AA members are completely full of shit. theyre great at saving face and kissing ass. the program itself is filled with gaping holes and hypocrisy. so much so that i get lost in how retarded it is. when "keep coming back" is your response to doubt and disbelief you might as well just go on with it and get a lobotomy.

i hate my boyfriend. i hate how blind, out of touch, selfish, hypocritical and uneducated he is. how does one not figure out that when youre getting mad at someone for something you do all the time, you might actually hate yourself instead.

i hate that i cant smoke weed and drink. i love weed, it might make me lazy and unmotivated but im like that sober too so why not be high doing it? i dont like drinking but the fact that i cant just bothers the shit out of me.

i hate my group of friends. for the the sake of not sounding overly repetitive, please refer the the aforementioned hates.

i hate my financial situation. money is great, it can buy plane tickets, hotel rooms, cars that have air conditioning, cameras that work, sound systems that sound, tickets to concerts, healthy food and college educations. i can afford none of these things.

i hate my body. i have always been big but i got legitimately big and then lost a bunch of weight in a short period of time so im 24 and have droopy boobs, loose skin and stretch marks.

i hate my hair. its thinning and no one in the medical profession knows why.

i hate my teeth. my parents spent money of braces that did next to nothing. also, they have bizarre stains on them that never go away.

i hate exercise. i hate it. when i do force it upon myself i cant stop thinking about when it will stop.

i hate myself. im full of shit, have no idea who i am and am pretttty sure im incapable of fully loving anyone without wanting something from them.

i do love rain though!

[findclearwaters-blog]

im trying kind of hard

i feel stupid and i dont know why im doing this; its likely that ill read this tomorrow and delete it because the thought of there being a hard copy of my thoughts anywhere other than in my head makes me uneasy. but thats the point in all of this right?

my whole life ive started sentences with "my whole life." in my defense, however, it does always seem an appropriate thing to say when i say it, as if it adds some sort of legitimacy for whats to come; an excuse of sorts.

see, i just reread the first paragraph and i already feel generic and contrived, similar to how i feel when i attempt to express truth to my friends. ive been lying for so long everything has started to sound rehearsed. im concerned that ill remain this way forever.

i am very good at staying stuck, at hating my surroundings and doing nothing to change them. why is that? ive asked myself that for a while now and i still dont know what the significance of the question or the answer happen to be.

i look at life like a big video game; either something is a benefit or a loss. i like to pretend im not one of the people i analyze with others but i most definitely am. there isnt a person i dont like in this world that i dont share awful qualities with.

im not sure if i was ever truly passionate about anything. everything about my past has been carefully constructed and forced. who i was didnt work so i adapted. i found heroin and was able to become ugly and not care. i became the person i claim to despise when i did heroin. i sat in my car, stole food, cigarettes and gossip magazines and watched the world pass me by. it was great. the problem is, i wish i wasnt like that but i am. i dont like my shallow interests so i convince myself i hate the people around me that share them openly. i dont want to like reality tv and gossip magazines but i do. i dont want to like catchy music on the radio but i do. all of that was okay on heroin, i became the person i always wished i could be but hated that i wished to be like.

im a supposed member of AA but have done next to nothing to make that a reality. i havent done any steps, i dont stick to my commitments, im always late, i hate being wrong, im still upholding grandiose lies about my past and present, i hate religion, and i find the whole ordeal to be more of a death sentence than heroin. 

i never fully commit to anything. i never shot heroin because that was a commitment to semi-permanent enslavement. i never picked a major in college because that was a commitment to the direction my life might head in, i never tried too hard at much of anything because that was a commitment to excellence. what if i fail? what if i change my mind? what if i cant be the best all the time?

i cant decide if im intelligent or not. sometimes im sure that i am but lately ive considered the possibility that i am, in fact, stupid.

i could never kill myself because im too afraid of missing anything. thats also why i stay up late.