findingselflove-blog1

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LOOK BACK TO GO FORWARD

As I sit in the Laundromat at the end of yet another year, 2017, I woke up with that bittersweet feeling that nothing changes just because of a calendar date, yet I couldn’t help but go straight to doubt that yet another year has passed me by and I’ve accomplished nothing.  28 years old, no partner, no home, still haven’t done much travel and still no where near starting a family (this was where I visualized myself when I was about 17-18 years old) But before I could let this mindloop set in I decided to sit up in bed, smile out the window, grab my journal and start writing and not only writing but actually reflecting on my year, albeit it was pretty piss poor reflection upon waking but as the morning has developed I’ve opened my memory bank to plenty of things and the biggest illusion to me is it felt like nothing was accomplished simply because it didn’t go the way the script did in my head, as you can see from above of course I’d feel disappointed if that’s the only story I’m setting out to achieve, I’m missing all the small wins and experiences of what I do and don’t like, the adventures I’m having and the people I’m meeting, while getting to that next chapter and also realizing it’s my ideal outcome but maybe it will go different to the stock standard society script and that’s going to be ok.  So while I was starting to reflect with my mind it was important I cut the shit and started to reflect with my heart.

It all started a couple of days ago when I came across all these old notebooks I’d had crammed away while I was doing a declutter of my things and as I flicked through the pages I came across page after page of anger, frustration, wishes, goals, dreams of finding someone to love – literally the life I could only imagine over the last 2 years and as I was reading over and over them I was able to pinpoint I’d done quite a lot if not 80% of what I had set out to achieve as far back as nearly 2 years ago.  It sounds like such a long time that I started laying these plans and dreams in motions and it still feels like they’re so out of reach but this was certainly an eye opener, again I was able to tick them off the list but they just didn’t go as I had scripted in my head, yet here I am still living the outcome. My biggest goal was moving state and I remember setting that goal and thinking 6 months from saying that I would be exactly where I wanted to be and happy, well here I am – not as planned but as good as I could have hoped.  The ironic thing as I write these reflections “what a wonderful world” is playing over the sound system, so much clarity comes with reflection, but because we don’t take time to see how far we’ve come we constantly beat ourselves up for not being where we want to be when I know my major goal was to move states and start fresh, be open to opportunity and love and that’s where the dream stopped and so now that’s why I have stopped, here in this Laundromat thinking how pathetic the year has been but how much it really hasn’t, it has been challenging I can vouch for that.  But what this year has truly shown me though regardless of physical outcomes is that I am so much stronger and braver than I ever thought I could be, I had to put all the bullshit aside and just throw myself into the unknown more times than I could count, and as much as I thought I was sure and confident it was scary as shit, but it wasn’t until I landed somewhere that I realized what I had to do next.  The amount of times I had to break the ceiling, break the chains and release myself from my box sent my emotional level into meltdown on many occasions, I just didn’t feel I could do it, I continued to carry all the past pains with me so when I hit a roadblock I just didn’t believe things were getting better, trying to accomplish the same things I didn’t even really want to do, but was trying to get to that level of validation for some reason still unknown – desire for connection is my guess since it seems that is what keeps coming back to me, yet I never regretted any decision I made, I just kept going forward as best I could, turning every corner with the mindset that anything can happen and it usually did.  My biggest lesson was learning that I could trust people and myself, people helped me, they welcomed me, they laughed with me and it was never until I’d be connecting with people that the question always arose “how long since you moved here?” to which my response is 4 months or now about 18 weeks if we’re getting precise, but from an outside perspective the things I’ve accomplished in that time alone, let alone the remainder of the year blows even me away, no wonder I’ve reached the end of the year exhausted, it’s been a life changing year.  Changing my mind, to changing my career, to changing my location, to changing my friends, to changing my goals, you bet it’s been big, challenging and extremely amazing to know I made a decision and I took action toward it.  Still choosing to compete and close down my business, to explore my surroundings, to work 2 jobs, to move from the comfort of family to a place unknown, to surround myself with people unknown, to say yes to strangers and end up having lots of fun and not being afraid of the outcome and not actually trying to control it – it’s all been extremely frightening, challenging but somehow so liberating.

Here I am now, patting myself on the back for a job well done, but had I not stopped to recognize these accomplishments on more a spiritual and emotional level I would have kept pushing and resisting the changes and no doubt still wallowing in my self pity party because life just ‘isn’t fair’ I know rolling into a new year, regardless of the cliché, I am ready for a year of love – self love, love for friends and family, love in what I do and falling in love with someone I can share my life with, all I can really dream of from here is discovering myself, discovering my passions and learning to put love into everything I do. I believe goals are important and I have defianately set myself goals for the coming year as you should to, goals are what keep us focused and driven in life, I want to write a book, I want to become a public speaker and I want to show the world that you do not have to be defined by status or numbers to be accepted or validated by others, that you need to prioritise your health, your happiness, your heart and your authenticity. I’ve realized my goals aren’t about making a business to make money, it’s about making a change and reconnecting with world after disconnecting myself for so long, and while looking back can be tough I’ve overcome the bullshit enough times to know it’s necessary to see where to move forward in the right direction.

Relish the memories, be proud of your accomplishments but always see how it can propel you forward for your best potential in this life, don’t be afraid to look back to go forward, don’t be afraid to rest, don’t be afraid to change your mind and don’t be afraid to reflect on your journey to learn the lessons that keep you on track and most importantly don’t be afraid to be you.

[findingselflove-blog1]

JUST MAKE A PLAN AND GET TO WORK

So many times this year I have found myself in the place of feeling stuck, feeling unknown, different, that there has to be more and I get myself so down about it I just sit here and feel sorry for myself enough until I get the courage to realize it’s up to me to turn this around once and for all.  Tonight is a classic example I went to the shops to buy some dinner ingredients for a healthy meal and then caught myself browsing the discounted cakes and pastry section, searching for that comforting treat.  Having come through binge eating disorder and hormonal imbalances as well as some days just being an outright emotional mess, I am well aware when I’m doing this and I’m even more aware why (see the key word I used “comforting”) and it’s always that ‘woah is me, going home alone again’ because one of my biggest desires in life is having someone to connect with on a deep, emotional level as well as having some project or work environment I can truly and passionately feel like I wish to contribute to each and every day, a place where my energy is used for good for both the receiver and myself.  But all wishful thinking aside, I purchased a small chocolate cake and after dinner sat it in front of me with a spoon, having had only 2 mouthfuls I decided I should use this spare time to do some home beauty treatments on myself, so I set up my wax pot and tinting dish and did that instead and before I knew it I was so invested in maintaining myself I forgot all about the cake, and when I decided to go back to it I actually cut myself off a small slice to just enjoy and no guilt or emotions went into it, I actually just treated myself since I had it there.

But all cake and beauty treatments aside, as I was looking after myself I started to feel better, and the better I started to feel the more I started to smile and I realized that it’s when I’m looking after me and comforting me that I feel good, self love is what I’m aiming for and when I’m in that place I can really feel it, I feel valid and nurtured, which I what I’m trying to achieve through cake.  As I was proudly expressing gratitude to myself it dawned on me that I could feel this everyday if I stopped resorting back to self pity behavior and just decided to make a plan to stick to, even though I have done this many times what I haven’t done is actually wrote it out and got it done. I know how to eat well, I know how to lose weight, I know how to exercise and drink water, I know how to socialize and communicate well but when I’m tired, restless and leaving myself last I go to that place of feeling sorry for myself and it sucks.

It has to happen a few hundred times for me to realize that I need to start shifting my mindset and my behavior because this rinse and repeat cycle is starting to really take its toll on me mentally, so much so I suddenly generated all this energy because I know I am on the right track to repairing this cycle and healing myself, by writing a fucking plan and sticking to it.  I’m not referring to a low calorie diet or any extreme, just simply noting what it is I truly desire and what ever I have to do to get there will be what it takes from me, I won’t back out when it gets tough because that’s what I always do and I’m at a point where I have to look after me, so there are no excuses valid here because I am my biggest priority.

I say I never fear hard work but my actions prove otherwise, I can work and work but I won’t always be happy, I feel though when it comes to my deepest passions and myself I will cut the bullshit because if I’m not well, my life and no one around is well – as the saying goes ‘you can’t fill from an empty cup’ and eventually you get sick of the negativity rolling around in your head, you just know it’s time to get out of there and into some real action to start seeing some progress in order to feel fulfilled.  But it all starts with a plan, a plan to get motivated, to really determine what you want in life and note down every little thing you need to do every single day in order to see that vision come to reality, I know mine right now is a partner, a connection, whether that be in business or personal, male or female, I will not know until I get it, but I have to work on the action steps to lead me to this person, because as much as I’ve tried they don’t come knocking at your door, no matter how patient you think you are.

Like exercise and diet is essential to weight loss and weight maintenance, it’s not always the response we want to hear but at the end of the day we know it’s the truth, the science and the action that will yield the results we are aiming for, much like making a plan to follow is going to yield the manifestation I am in deep pursuit of right now and frankly I just need to do whatever it takes, no excuses, no distractions and know that once I reach that place I can rest and refocus toward the next plan, because one thing I’ve realized is that life never ends until it ends, and one destination is usually the beginning of your next adventure, it never ends, which is fun, exciting and can fulfil you should you know what you’re seeking, but without a plan or a road map even you’re going to get lost and very frustrated along the way – make a plan, get to work.

[findingselflove-blog1]

SOONER OR LATER YOU HAVE TO JUMP IN

As I stood out on my paddle board in the ocean I couldn’t help but start this ‘mind writing’ (as I call it when I am writing in my head because I’m without pen and paper for the moment these thoughts and words are flowing in) because as I was paddling and embracing the beautiful surrounds I noticed the defined line of where the water goes from light to dark, shallow to deep, clear to unknown and in my stillness I was able to base my life lessons on the ocean.  I read one that nature is always encouraging us to change, regardless that it seems it does not, even though a tree stands still, it is constantly growing and shedding leaves as one example of change we may not recognize but at the end of the day it is always changing and allowing change to occur.  Being out in nature for me always guides me and brings me clarity because I feel connected, still and at peace with where I am and it clearly works wonders because the dialogue flowing through me was so relevant to the ocean that I couldn’t help but come up with this dialogue.  I’ve always loved the beach, the salt water and the surrounds but today I finally connected on a more deeper level than before and this is what I found:

Much like the ocean we love the clarity of the shallows, being able to see the bottom, what’s around us and have contact with the sand gives us a sense of control but as we venture deeper suddenly the darkness doesn’t appeal to us as much and we prefer to stay on solid, clear grounds.  What is it about this darkness and depth we are afraid of? Is it because we have been convinced that dangerous creatures are down there? We may not be able to see clearly or that it could be our very end of the road that we fear? Yet when we see those who have ventured to deep, dark waters of the ocean we have found there is a beautiful world of life that had we stayed in the shallows we would have never experienced.  I have never been one interested in scuba diving for the sake and fear of not being able to breathe, of going so deep and not returning to surface, and once again this is something I relate to my real life, going to the deep depths and not returning, when in reality in order to create a life we truly love we have to lose sight of the shore in order to discover new oceans.  When people ask me what I want in life – “I don’t know” is my best response, because it’s safe and it’s less embarrassing than admitting I haven’t explored deep enough to know, because I have been more interested in splashing in the shallows with the masses than being brave enough to go and dive deep into the darkness that awaits.

Like jumping into dark water, jumping into darkness is just as frightening, we can’t see what we’re in for until we go there and similar to the fear of drowning maybe we won’t resurface at all – but metaphorically speaking this is sometimes a good thing, because when you go deep enough coming back is not an option and it’s even more so a relief, because you know if things were good you wouldn’t be curious to test the waters in the first place – that point of ‘no return’ is your friend but it will also be your struggle, you’ll be too far in to go back, but not quite far enough to know if it’s worth moving forward.  

In a dream sense, dreaming of water is your emotional conscious, if it’s dark and murky, rough, or tidal you’re emotions are quite on edge and unstable where as when it’s clear, calm and still you’re usually on the right track, so keeping this in mind it was no wonder I was able to justify and seek this recognition within and surrounding me by being still on the water.  As much as I have been going in and out of the water I haven’t placed myself in enough curiosity to know that it’s time to dive in with no fear, where as this moment of stillness has launched me to get curious, to get insight and be courageous enough to jump in, into the unknown without fear, into the darkness without light and the knowing that what’s awaiting me is going to be a beautiful place, It’s just a matter of knowing that I trust myself and no matter what I’ve heard or been told about the dark waters, I will discover something amazing and that the fear of the unknown has no place here because it’s time to lose sight of the shore and explore the depths of the darkness.

It’s one thing to know what is required of you, but to know that you’re truly ready takes time, it takes courage and you know there’s not going to be a perfect moment, no moment is ever perfect it’s about making the moment right now as good as it can be – imperfectly perfect – and relishing in that to YOUR fullest potential and like everything it’s your choice when you choose to dive in, but keep in mind, waiting is the hardest part, much like the hardest part of running is tying up your shoes, sometimes it’s just a matter of saying ‘fuck it – let’s do this’ sometimes we just have to have faith and jump in, knowing the darkness will provide the beauty we have always failed to see.

[findingselflove-blog1]

I ACCEPTED CHANGE NEEDED TO START WITH ME

Becoming aware of suffering was only the beginning, and having always believed I had everything figured out I was quite shocked when my biggest moment of awareness hit me – I needed to change my views and my mindset and be accepting of the fact, life was changing all around me every moment and I needed to start allowing that to happen and go with the flow, if for nothing else but my sanity.  I never liked the idea of saying I need to change, because it brings with it a sense of ‘you’re not good enough’ until I was able to restructure it in a way that wasn’t about changing me at all, it was about finding out who I was and going with the flow of change to do that, allowing myself to experience each day for what it had to offer not how I expected it should go as it was these constant expectations that constantly left me feeling defeated and helpless as each day came to another end.

I was always giving people a hard time and even those close to me, because they never got me, they would never understand this chaos that lived inside my head, they thought they knew me and I was always so upset with them for not following the script, they weren’t there to question my life, they were there to just do their part – and how amazing is it that that way of thinking did actually push many away, but left the true ones that matter.  And when I finally found myself alone in a new city, I was annoyed I’d brought myself to start again, I didn’t want to build myself back up to where I was and then that amazing a-ha moment hit me, like a ball to the face bang! “You built up to that place and suffered because you were only chasing peoples approval, what if this time you actually take some time to find out what it is you actually like to do and build your life the way you want it to be?” of course! I have to do life my way and I needed to change the way I viewed myself and the world and even better – myself in the world.

Having peeled away the layers I realized I peeled away everything, and all that was left standing was me, bare naked, no where to hide and scared shitless because who had I become? No one? I had nothing to prove who I was, no success, no relationships, no finances but I hadn’t needed that to prove who I was and hadn’t actually become anyone at all, I had successfully ‘unbecome’ everyone I never wanted to be, but continued to push to be for approval, proving my worth to friends and family by being successful and doing what others won’t set out to do in the fear of failure.  But boy did I fail and fail hard, because that mindset alone was enough to set me up for failure because in my script of life there was no failure, and when that kept coming hit after hit I really didn’t know how much more I was able to take, do I accept defeat or keep pushing through? And I think it was Paulo Coelho in his book ‘manuscript found in accra’ where it reads “Failure does not allow us to dream, Defeat is for those who, despite their fears, live with enthusiasm and faith” and these words made me open up to the fact that being defeated was never actually going to be a bad thing, it simply meant I needed to rest and refocus my path, failure was never going to be a bad thing it was only in my mind I made it seem so because it’s a life long choice to accept failure, it never ends.  Accepting these simple mindset changes is what drove me to want to know more, more about me, what drove me and what did I truly love in life and in myself that was going to have a positive impact being projected out on the world?  This was the key question and with my core message being ‘authentically you’ this was going to be the foundation on my decisions moving forward, was I being authentic in my decisions for my life and if not, why? And had I not become aware of this authenticity motion would I have decided that I need to really strip this back to basics and start from within.

As I roll into Christmas day, a day I’ve always dreaded due to disordered eating and judgement of others, having to sit around and make small talk – people bored me and I wasn’t in the mood, why weren’t they more like me with ambition and goals? Then I realized I was again setting up this expectation of others and myself in my script and when they didn’t play along I got frustrated but why? Christmas is a time of celebration and the time to unwind and just go with the flow, who honestly gives a fuck about what happens and why, laugh together, eat together and just enjoy some downtime with the people who actually give a shit about you. All these motions came into play at the right time in my opinion, by putting my bullshit stories and expectations aside suddenly things are changing, people are nicer and caring and I don’t feel hesitant to talk about my life and what I love.  I remember receiving a bottle of Moet champagne for my birthday back in September 2016, I was currently not drinking and I didn’t want a celebratory bottle of champagne because in my eyes I had ‘nothing’ to celebrate, so I decided then and there it would be cracked when something amazing happened, like selling my business (which I ended up just closing down) or moving state (which I did but wasn’t drinking at the time) or falling in love (which is still yet to happen) so I chose to save it for when I felt I was in a happy place that calls for celebration, and even though that’s brought me here to Christmas Day it has nothing to do with Christmas, but everything to do with the fact that every day is a celebration and these moments should be shared with loved ones, there were many days I could have popped the cork but I chose to bring it to this day and share with my family (extended and all) and myself that I have truly come to a place of accepting I am right where I want to be and that calls for celebration no matter what day it is.

I chose change, I chose the journey of discovery and now as I set myself up for this adventure I’m more than excited for where it takes me and I will do whatever it takes to fulfil myself with as much experience, culture and education that I can to truly find the best destination of all… ME

[findingselflove-blog1]

I JUST DIDN’T WANT TO ACCEPT CHANGE

Life just clicks, one day it all makes sense, and it’s the simple mindset shift of the fact, you didn’t want to accept the fact that this perfect bubble world of yours was bound to change.  Your job, relationships, friends, family – if it wasn’t occurring how it looked in your head then no chance you were willing to accept it and for what? Suffering, pain, bullshit and wallowing in self pity that things just were never going to be good enough?

Today I accepted a hot yoga invite and I’ve done so many yoga classes in my time, but this just went next level for me, all the uncomfortable poses I actually persisted through and even asked myself the question, “why is this uncomfortable, what am I holding onto here?” and although it was nothing overly clear, the answer was definitely the fact that I just had to finally let go of the fact I don’t always have control of every possible moment in life and being able to accept that really shed some light on the past few years.

Now I’m quite spiritual, I know to that Saturn (the planet of restrictions) has been in affect so of course that push pull movement of planets has some toll on how things work out and I was constantly adamant that my life was with this one person in this one place and I’ll do what it takes to make it happen, but time after time it was just never playing out and it just really started fucking with my head.  I was so convinced something was wrong with me and I’d done myself in my not doing life right, I became a nut case, I felt crazy, I told people I was crazy and as much as I convinced myself I was fine and talked the talk of all the positive affirmations and universal law – I was slowly dying on the inside every fucking day, it was torturous to have to open my eyes and face another day of suffering.

But suddenly, like the click of the fingers it all made sense, life was pushing me a different direction and I was completely shut off to change, I didn’t want another guy, another job, another anything – I wanted my vision and I wanted it now, anything else was just unacceptable and seriously what a fucking horrible way to live life day in day out not being open to change.  I knew moving states was for more opportunity and of course that takes time to build momentum, but when I started seeing that momentum it still just “didn’t feel right” but once again, I wasn’t allowing it to, I wanted my movie reel.  But this moment, this moment of freedom, relief and epiphany if you will was exactly all I could hope for as a new year approaches, this moment that I can realize I need to be open to anything, that I trust myself enough to know who is and isn’t right for me moving forward and I have complete control over how I view things each and every minute, knowing that if something feels right it probably is, but I have to believe I’m deserving of it and not make up silly rejection loops in my thoughts.

At the end of the day it’s a simple fact of me not wanting things to change, I wanted to be this vision of perfect, career drive, successful and financially stable but seeking guidance and spending dollars on coaches and programs to drive me to this just never left me successful or satisfied and when people ask me what success means to me, all I can reply with is the fact I want to be happy and have some fun in life, to which I’m usually met with a very concerned response that almost screams “that’s not a goal” but to me that is the ultimate goal, I don’t want to chase money or peoples approval for what can be considered making it to ‘success’ I just really want contentment and peace each and every day and understand that not every day will be good but I will see some good in every day. And it’s simply life, I can’t control the universal law but I can control how I react and these are all clichés I swore I was living by, when in reality I was fucking pissed shit wasn’t going my way, yet I know sometimes feel I may have had things turn out much better had I accepted what was and let things be, but unfortunately at the same time I have to accept that I’m sure had these things been right I wouldn’t have second guessed it and even living with regret benefits no one I have to trust that these are lessons I had to learn in order to get to the things I truly desire.

It’s a hard truth to know that the pain you experience is always within you and not your surroundings, but removing the external bullshit from my life still left me in that place of wanting more – a boyfriend, a better job, more money, nothing was ever satisfactory but when I got a job, money (still yet to get the boy haha) but in hindsight once I became established and felt safe I realized that I was just never open to these things and maybe this big story I wanted to bring to life was meant to be tweaked but I never called cut to refocus the plot.  I just kept calling the shots until the cast got up and left me with no movie at all, so I had to recast the scenes from scratch, and all because I got caught up in social expectations and trying to conform to what everyone else was doing for validation and acceptance.

All I know is when I realized I had to open the doors and let the walls come down was when I started to see what my life could possibly look like and also that I really just don’t know what I want to do right now, and I’m totally ok with that but it was allowing me to think other people were considering me reckless, lazy and out of my mind that I wasn’t more ‘onto it’ that I kept going down this path of pain in order to prove that I could it – but do what, I don’t even know, I was afraid to change, afraid to seem different and unaccepted, judged and unworthy but little did I realize that once I started letting go of these expectations and stories was when I truly started to find some really great people and life really started giving me a break, it feels easy and the more I allow for changes the easier it becomes, I just had to really awaken to allowing change and I am so grateful I did, no matter what I took it was a hard lesson I had to experience in my time, but having seen the dark side of this suffering I now know how to find the light and it’s a beautiful thing.

[findingselflove-blog1]

EMBRACE YOUR SOLITUDE

After keeping up with such a busy schedule and making friends I have been having a blast, but I am tired and feeling that energy is needing to be recharged so I embraced today being quite restful.  I actually enjoy my times of solitude and today was particularly great in so many ways, because for once I wasn’t fighting the fact I needed to rush or I wanted anyone around, being so tired after a big night out I took myself to enjoy an acai bowl for lunch and while I was sitting there really enjoying it I had an epiphany of noticing how I was mindfully in the moment eating my food and not gorging it down to be left unsatisfied and unleashing an all out binge like old times.  I was so excited by this I grabbed a pen and wrote out my thoughts onto a napkin, just like they do in the movies and this is what flowed;

“I can remember a time when to go and treat myself to an meal or snack out in a café would be the beginning of an all out binge episode.  The enjoyment wasn’t there nor was the mindset, I would inhale each mouthful and all of a sudden it was gone, sometimes I would even say to myself ‘well that wasn’t very filling’ and off I would go to the shops for chocolate, biscuits or icecream – sometimes all of the above and then some.  It always left me in that place of hopelessness and darkness – I felt alone and disgusted to say the least and the overwhelm of defeat and unworthiness was sky high.  But to have just enjoyed a ‘treat yourself’ lunch, have tasted each flavor with every mouthful and took atleast 15 minutes to eat = mindfulness, feels extremely liberating and like I have total control of my behavior, because I deserve to be free from food addiction and disordered eating behaviours, I deserve to feel and heal my emotions as they are guiding me through life and I deserve to be happy and healthy and live a life in alignment to that because I choose to be #selflove”

I tucked it into my purse and what I had done earlier was write on a handmade card with a loveheart on the front a small little note that read “I just want to tell you, I hope you know you are amazing and you matter – have a safe and merry Christmas! P.s please pass this onto someone who could use this message” and left it on the counter where I had eaten.  Somehow this small act, this moment of freedom and liberation I had experienced washed over me with a sense of calm, it wasn’t long until I could hear the murmurs of the sabotaging voices starting to appear but I refused to let them in, this was my moment, the moment I chose to take control and know I could live the fulfilled life I deserve and intend to live.  No expectations but full realization that this is going to be a process of slowly silencing those voices that come up in times of self gratitude, I can still feel them trying to speak to me as I write these words but I know they are merely made up stories of doubt and fear of being unlovable and unworthy of connection and love, when I know deep within that I am above all of those thoughts and simply am love in all that I do.

Allowing the mind to convince you of anything else is unjust and the more I talk to people and interact the more I notice so many of us live with these feelings of not being good enough, it breaks my heart because I feel it to and I know the suffering that can be experienced through allowing this thought process to control your actions and your life on a daily basis.  I cry, not out of pain but out of compassion and love, I don’t wish to feel this and I don’t wish others to feel this pain, but it is also the pain that allows us to experience growth and become strong enough to know our worth and act accordingly. I was in the Laundromat reading ‘Manuscript found in Accra’ today by the incredible author ‘Paulo Coelho’ and so many phrases that just completely changed my outlook on my thought patterns, without listing them all some that really stood out to me were;

·         Scars speak more loudly than the sword that caused them

·         Losing our battles will bring us moments of sadness, but when these moments pass we will discover the hidden strengths that exists in each of us, a strength that will surprise us and increase our self respect

·         Without solitude, love will not stay strong by your side

·         Nature is telling us ‘change’

·         Love was looking for something original

All these and so many more were just the awareness I needed to come by today, especially the in depth pages of ‘solitude’ I knew before my day even began that I needed to rest and recharge and when I went to get my morning coffee, I read my horoscope (I always like to see what it says) and it said the same thing I already felt, then the pages of this book enhanced that same motion so I knew I was on the right track with my feelings and needs today, that in itself brought a sense of pride and gratitude I’ve yet to experience in a long while.  I feel as the days go by, I am slowly rediscovering myself and what I need for my growth, my boundaries I need for my health and wellbeing in order to live that healthy and happy life I am walking towards, but also currently in possession of daily – this one is important and only in solitude and meditation can I really enhance and recognize these processes.  

Embrace the solitude, it is not a place of loneliness but a place of acceptance, self love and awareness, a place everyone deserves to be in times of respite for the soul, it is through this respite you can then begin to plan your next move effectively with focus and love, trust!

[findingselflove-blog1]

I’M TIRED OF BEING AFRAID

So many times I find myself frustrated with people for not understanding me, when I reflect on why that is it’s such an obvious reason and it’s simply because I should have just said… I should have just told the truth, the way I was feeling and allowed the outcome to be what it was but living with this constant expectation that I will never be good enough to be accepted fully by people keeps me from ‘just saying’ and so I go out of my way to try and ‘prove’ to people that I can do anything, I am good at anything and if I can show you then you will accept me.

This story is bullshit and I’m so fucking tired of trying to be anyone but me, I can only say ‘I’m fine’ probably one more time before I implode – the reality is, I am fine, I feel fine but somedays I am just a little emotional, having a bad day, I feel like crying and to me it feels good when I need it, it’s a release of pent up emotions that stem from god knows where but to put all these things out into the knowledge of others scares the shit out of me because I instantly assume they are going to respond with judgement.  And so it’s the ongoing cycle that judgement creates the feeling of never being good enough and on and on it goes, but the funny thing is after attending a social event last night I experienced something that really shook me up, there was a young guy on the dancefloor surrounded by this very outgoing group (quite intoxicated I’ll admit, over confident as it goes) but whenever someone accidentally knocked near him or came close he almost ducked away and you could just see this state of feeling so uncomfortable in this setting probably because he was feeling that everyone around him was being judgemental toward him in some way.  From this I found myself chatting with this nice guy and all he could keep saying to me was he was so scared to say hello because I was surrounded by other guys (my friends I was out with) he instantly assumed one of them had to be my boyfriend and should he try talk to me he will get his ass kicked, to which I could only respond why would assume something like that? Even after assuring him I was not in a relationship and both of us are free to do what we like with our lives he still couldn’t hold off saying how much he felt threatened by the group of guys I was hanging out with, because he felt like they were giving him dirty looks for talking to me.  I was just so baffled with this context because all I could manage to respond with was ‘there is no reason to feel so frightened of something that more than likely isn’t even real’ and until I slept on it all and woke up this morning reflecting on my night I came to the conclusion that we are constantly living in fear of being the ‘wrong’ person and highly judged and threatened by others opinions – when in reality they’re probably considering what to drink or eat next, not to mention these are the stories we convince ourselves of because we’re afraid we’re not good enough.

It dawned on me that in a quest to find people to connect with I lead with the act of being able to conquer any task and do the hard work so maybe you’ll see I’m worthy of your time, of a place in your life and the only time I find myself actually giving a shit about people’s responses to this behavior is people I feel I connect with and can grow to trust fully, yet at the first sign of judgement, the mask is on and I’m running as fast as I can.  To feel the need to have someone on my team from time to time is liberating, I feel proud of myself when I can celebrate small wins and accomplish tasks and to have someone to share this with is great, it’s relationship building, it builds character and trust, and this momentum is what really gets me productive and fired up, but as soon as I start to convince myself that although they’re happy for my wins, it’s still not good enough I fall, I panic and I run a mile because if I can’t be good enough in their eyes well maybe they don’t deserve to be a part of my life.

This story, this defence mechanism is tiring, I’m exhausted for trying to make people see the value in me, tired of trying to be a circus performer for acceptance when all I really want is a friend to be there when I need them to be.  I know I don’t always have a problem but to talk it out freely is sometimes all it takes to pick myself back up and say “ok, you’re just talking shit, get on with it” I get curious about people and when I don’t feel like they’re responsive to me, it’s a way of them saying “I don’t trust you enough to let you in” or in my own dialogue YOU’RE NOT MY PERSON and this hurts, a lot because I like to think every day I wake up and do the best I can to be a good, kind and caring person.  I like getting to know people and when I feel like I find someone who gets me, I feel excited, I feel I’m a worthy candidate and although I can definitely give myself credit sometimes it’s just nice to have someone else say – well done.

Although these feelings come and go, some days are good and bad I can learn to accept my emotions can definitely get the better of me, but I’ve also started to learn that when ‘I just say it’ with no bullshit story or defence no matter the amount of fear I feel, the more empowered I become by breaking through that everytime.  This happened the other night, I told the simple truth, no lies and the response was fine, it was neither good or bad it simply was and I was ok with the whole situation because I had told the truth, left no stone unturned and it simplified to me that no matter how scared I am I just need to say it as it is, because these stories and lies and constantly being on guard is just exhausting me and my mind and I know I am a fun person to be around and if I can go down on that alone, the fact people enjoyed my company and I could light up their days just that little bit – that to me is more than enough success in my life time and I don’t know how I make that my life but just becoming my true self and saying it how it is may be all I need to do right now.

All I know is that I was too scared to tell people I’ve changed my mind, I continued to push through what was unfulfilling in order to show I am capable and I am worthy.  I am grateful for these people who have pushed me through this because without them constantly on my back maybe I would have never broken and realized it’s ok to change your path, you haven’t wasted any time and it doesn’t make you any less of a person if you feel a change will increase your chance of being truly authentic and happy, and if it doesn’t you can choose again.  These feelings of stuck and unknown are inevitable, I will never figure it out and I’m too tired to keep trying, I just have to keep taking the days, the emotions and the wins and the fails with a sense of acceptance and pride and remove all judgement, speak the truth and tell people that shit is just too hard right now, to switch off and reenergize myself when needed, this is all fundamentals of survival in order to connect and live truthfully and after the constant bashing of trying to pretend I know it all and I’m a warrior, I can definitely say, I just want to be me and be good at that, to be able to do the best I can everyday and know it’s enough without question, to have the support of the believers on my team and cut the ties to the naysayers.  

The relief from saying this out loud has been so amazing for my mind, it’s quiet, there is no judgement and almost a sense of relief saying ‘thankyou’ has washed over me, because I just said it, exactly how it is.

[findingselflove-blog1]

THE MAN ON THE FOOTHPATH

I remember first deciding it was time to get a job after moving interstate and of course I went large and wanted the city office job that I could commute to, because isn’t that the trendy thing to do? Regardless only a week in, I hated it, the best part about it was the fact i’d managed to enjoy a beautiful walk from my home along the river both ways and enjoy the happening of the city life as I passed through each day.  I always found my curiosity getting the better of me when I would walk past all the cafes along the main river hub seeing all the men in suits and ties sitting their discussing business while sipping espresso’s, the same groups powering through to get to the office and the fact that out of all the people I passed each and every day there was hardly any sense of expression – they were walking zombies.  I don’t question people ambitions, I’m all for living your best life because I know that’s the way I want to live my own, but a part of me saw a sense of fear in these people more so than success and I could never quite tap into why that was, I never engaged with these people on a personal level because they were rich and successful and wore fancy suits so where was I going to fit that ‘box’ when I was just strolling along wearing converse and jeans with my headphones in? personally I actually didn’t really give a fuck because even though I’d pass on my curiosity I was also expressing my smile and not one was hardly ever responded to and I thought to myself they are so focused on being the best, having the best and appearing financial and successful in their field when I could vouch my life on the fact majority don’t even really like the field they work in, but because money is good and we’ve been conditioned to think money is the be all end all to happiness and success they stay there, constantly seeking validation, approval and financial gain for what? I almost thought thinking this way was judgemental but then I also realized I have this outlook because I have been this person, chasing money in order to have a fulfilled and happy life only to constantly be exhausted and pissed off that I wasn’t living true to myself.

One day though right as I was about to pull the pin on my city job I wandered in for my last day and I noticed a homeless man sitting just in the middle of the footpath against a light post and he was drawing something I couldn’t quite see.  As I ventured closer I saw he had a pack of chalk and was just freely drawing images onto the concrete, much like I remember doing as a child, I was so captivated by this I had to stop and admire this man for a moment.  He wasn’t overly disheveled but or in a state of begging or appearing in pain, he was merely just expressing his creativity on a city walkway and even now whenever I am feeling hard done by or struggling with what I want to do with my life I just can never shake the image of this man from my mind and how much I admired his freedom and the fact he was just unapologetically doing what he does without question.

I know I have told this story probably 20 times in the space of just a couple of months and it keeps coming to me in times I feel I’m at a crossroads and I think the message is ringing something super loud and clear to me that I was meant to see this man that day, I was meant to see that in order to be creative and free to express yourself without judgement is simply by doing it, not waiting until you have a place, or people or a fancy suit and tie, just doing it, research a topic of interest, join a dance school, attend a cooking class, just start small with some chalk if you must but don’t let the expectation of society mold you into a box and close off that inner child creativity that buries deep inside all of us.  My favourite part of my week that just passed was the fact I had done a writing session and somehow ended up on the topic of hopscotch, ironically the next day I needed to take myself for a long walk as I do and would you believe there in the footpath was a hopscotch frame drawn on the sidewalk with chalk, and yes I hopped in and out about 3 times and couldn’t wipe the smile from my face.

I have no idea what it is about me and chalk on the footpath but somehow this little girl comes to life and starts to have some fun, then I truly realize its this little girl who is seeking some love and nurture and sees it in these people and these things as a way of telling me, please can we just take the time to have some fun and play? It’s heartbreaking to push that voice down and believe that without the hard work of trying to become someone’s ideal perfect is the approach I choose to take, to mindlessly eat in order to keep that little girl quiet and when I actually take time to meditate on what I need in my life right now, what makes me truly happy I always get the same response – just be you.

I know once through discussion with a mentor he asked what I like more about competition prep, was it stage or was it the prep and he even stated how much I lit up when I said stage/show time, even of late all my discussion has been around dancing, I love to dance, I love to sing (not that great at it but love it anyway) and somedays I just love to be a complete dork.  My attention to children is phenomenal and I love their innocence and carefree nature, people think I don’t like children, but if I’m honest I think I’m just a little jealous that they can have a tantrum in public and I can’t when somedays I would truly love to, they are in awe of the world and the tiniest of things but when I feel like I want to get lost in the awe of the world it’s considered daydreaming and time wasting so I carry the guilt of not being productive enough until it eats away my soul to the point I will have a tantrum, but behind closed doors because that’s not appropriate adult behavior apparently.

I know I’m pissed off that there is no instruction manual to life but I also find so much satisfaction in trying to figure it out, I’m curious, a problem solver, aware yet still manage to fall into the trap of trying to follow the footsteps of others when I feel I’d be more than happy sitting with the man on the footpath drawing chalk pictures instead, or maybe even just drawing on my own foothpath. My awareness grows from my curiosity daily and the more I come to be aware of the more I want to share my experiences regardless of how people respond, I’ve worked with coaches, teachers, friends and read books and blogs about how to structure your life but I’ve found even though it’s helpful advice, I take what works and give it a go but also allow to change or adjust as I need to because life wasn’t meant to be lived with one decision forever, it’s being free and courageous enough to change when things get out of line without fear of judgment.

I know working along side these people has been great for creativity and awareness but I find its me just following other peoples footsteps to a place I’m not sure I even want to go, but I trust these people, I admire these people and I feel like they get me, but I think it’s this trust I have in them that I just want the bonding and connection not the psychoanalysis of why I’m not where I want to be and how I can get there, when realistically I’m right where I want to be and where I’m meant to be, because that’s when I’m my best – when I can just truly be, getting lost in the creativity and expression of self through things I love just like I saw in the man on the footpath, sure I don’t know his story and in no way do I hope or believe he’s suffering in anyway, but I could just sense his truth and he will always be in my gratitude for showing me how to just be and be good at it, for bringing a smile to my face knowing you don’t have to have anything fancy to help someone and being free to express yourself is truly how you can impact the world.