fire-n-flames

[fire-n-flames]

Memory

One of my earliest memories is getting thrown out of my house. I must’ve been in the middle of kindergarten age that night. Dad cornered me against the front door and wall. He flew the door open, took two handfuls of my pajamas, and threw me onto the deck. I landed on my side and got to my feet, just in time for the door to close and the lock to click in place.

In tears, I frantically yelped and scratched at the door and windows. I don’t remember how much time passed before my mom found me.

Only years later in a therapists office would that memory surface again. As is the case with many people, critical events of the traumatic memory are often lost. I have no recollection of what I did to “deserve” my dad’s punishment. I can take some comfort in knowing that this is one of my brain’s defense mechanisms.

My brain decided that the details of that night were not to be erased, but filed deep away where I couldn’t access. In any case, nothing can justify my father’s actions.

I’ve seen people die, the age’s range from six months to late sixties. When I picture the scenes, I can never remember their faces. It’s not like I only got a glance and didn’t have a chance to remember. In most cases, I spend at least two minutes at their side doing CPR. Not one face can I conjure.

I hope this protects me.

[fire-n-flames]

I don't know what I'm doing lol

Last May my crew was dispatched to a structure fire in the early morning. There were four victims, a mother, father, and two kids. A young boy and girl. We had incredible response time, fought aggressively, and provided the best care to our victims. Despite our efforts, the entire family died that night. When we returned to the station, my chief pulled me aside and asked me if what we saw bothered me.

I answered truthfully.

“No.”

I’ll never forget what he told me next.

“Give it time, it will bother you.”

And he was right. It’s inevitable that we’ll continue to think about work from time to time when we’re off the clock. But I urge you to pick up your responsibility as you enter the doors of your place of employment, and do your best to shed those burdens as you leave. It’s normal to feel lasting empathy for people, but when it consumes your entire life, it becomes an unrelenting force of self-destruction. Let go when you can.

I used to be a firefighter, only for about two years or so. I left due to severe symptoms from unresolved childhood PTSD. I'm new to blogging but I think some of the experiences I've had in the fire service and an inpatient facility might be interesting or helpful to some people.