fivesenseswizard

[fivesenseswizard]

May 24, 2023

At this point of my life, I am already free from heart aches, family issues and friends misunderstanding but then now, I encountered the biggest struggle of my life. Money.

I don't know if I am already matured enough to free myself on childish issues of life. Is this a sign of maturity? For me, this is the biggest mistake I took in my life.

Money can't find us happiness? At this point, money is the only solution for me to resolve this huge problem. Money is the only thing that makes me happy now. Yes, money.

This is the only problem that I can't no longer think of solution.

Everytime I compare my life to others, I always pitied myself. I hate pitying myself but I can't avoid it. I know that we are the tailor of our destiny but I just can't help myself compare my miserable situation now to others with fruitful life right now. Is it Karma? What did I do to deserve this?

The string of faith never sided mine. Whenever I slowly goes up, I big stone will step on me and crush the moment I am waiting for.

I know, it is my fault. It is definitely my fault. I want get out on this misery, now.

I hope someday I will still have the chance to read this with a genuine smile of my face, a sign that I already get through this.

[fivesenseswizard]

2022, a beginning

I am writing this while listening to the sentiments of Our Beloved Summer osts. Yesterday, I tried to stalk my account on this platform. I noticed that this past two consecutive years (2020-2021), I am no longer interested in writing on how my year ends. Maybe because those are healed years. I am reading quietly while taking back myself on the pain of the past but then this time, I AM SMILING while reminiscing them. I made it. I definitely made it this time! I escaped the darkest part of my life.

Last year is already a successful year for me. I had my permanent job as a public teacher. I forgiven those people who hurt me. I earned money for a house for my father. I start gaining weight who looks more promising to me. I started going to church regularly this time. I started a business. Everything is in progress of perfection last year. I want to continue to strive hard for this year. But then..

I still think that something is missing in this so called calming life of mine. A lot of my friends are either getting married or pregnant. I am jealous of them. Yes, I am pathetic in getting jealous on something that is not mandatory. But then, I am already wishing for a family, a family of my own. I am an only child. My mother already passed away since I was 16 and my father is far away from me. I want to experience a family that I will cherish. I want to cook breakfast for my children and husband. I want to laundry their clothes. I want to wear a wedding dress. I want trivial things like that. Although..

I will never repeat the past again. I will never love someone that will destroy me again, that's why, I getting picky this time. I don't want to repeat the same mistake again. Where am I now? Still, alone.

I don't know if this year will be a year that will give butterflies to my stomach. Lord knows when, who and where. But then, I am wishing it to be soon as possible. I want someone to rely on. I want someone who will take care of me this time. I want someone who will prove to me that I am important not just a mere human breathing for the addition of life.

When?

[fivesenseswizard]

12-14-20

Napanaginipan ko siya. Wala natatawa lang ako HAHAHAHAHA. Hayerp tumblr, minahal ko yun? Kadiri syet.

[fivesenseswizard]

A man asked me during drinking session: "Kailangan ba tapos ng college kaming mga malalaki para magustuhan niyo kami?"

Me: "Stop being sentimental. Yes, it matters. Oo importanteng tapos kayo. Importanteng may bahay kayo. Oo, importanteng may stable kyong trabaho. Oo, maganda kung may kotse kayo. But then, we dont need a rich man. We need a responsible man. Kung wala kyong naachieve, pano namin masasabing responsable kayo?"

[fivesenseswizard]

[fivesenseswizard]

Jusko self, paulit ulit kang sumuko. Paulit ulit mong sinabing pagod ka na. Paulit ulit kang nasaktan sa sarili mong desisyon. Paulit ulit kang nagpakatanga at sa huli di pa rin ikaw ang pinili. Ang saklap no? Pero sobrang swerte mo. Paulit ulit ka nang nilayo saknya at sa wakas nakalaya ka na. Napakaswerte mo! Be greatful and thankful 😊

[fivesenseswizard]

Sana buo pako kapag nagkatagpo na tayo.

[fivesenseswizard]

04-05-2020

Dear self,

How are you? Are you doing good? Naheal na ba yung sugat mo? Kumakain ka na ba ng maayos? Are you still trying to find answers to your questions? Then, I will be the one to answer it.

Do you still love him? Maybe. But I know that I just cant forgive him. Di ko sya mapatawad kasi I feel defeated. Natalo ako sa laban nya. Di ko naman laban yun eh, pero ako yung natalo. Sguro nga di ko na sya mahal? Kasi at this point. Dapat major turn off nako. He is not the one for me. Hindi nya ako deserve. Oo nagsisisi sya pero did he make effort after that? No. Another question answered.

Hindi ka ba naging sapat? Naging sapat ako. Naging sobrang sapat ako. Dami kong sinakripisyo. Dami kong pinaglaban. Dami kong tinake risk. Alam kong naging sapat ako. Di lang sguro saknya. Pero alam kong naging sapat ako para patunayan sa sarili kong sapat ako.

Napatawad mo na ba sya? Right now, hindi pa. Totoo, hindi pa tlaga. He knows my pain. Pero sa lahat ng magandang ginawa ko saknya, he still gave me another shit. Matagal pa bago ko sya mapatawad.

Anong next na gagawin mo? I need to focus on growing. Hindi na muna saknya. Sakit lang sya sa ulo at damdamin. Magfofocus ako pano ko gagawing successful sarili ko. No more painful heartbreaks this time.

Galit ka ba dun sa babae? Yes. Galit ako saknya pero mas galit ako sa sarili ko. Galit ako sa sarili ko na naging immature ako at nagalit saknya. I will accept her now. Sguro nga sya magpapasaya saknya. I will start giving positive vibes about them. Mag mamature nakong tatanggapin lahat. I'm sorry Lord. Please forgive me.

Anong gusto mong sabihin sa sarili mo? I love you. Stay strong. Kakayanin ntin to. Please try to understand everybody now. You are a mature and good person. I am proud of you.

[fivesenseswizard]

04-02-20

Start making him the stranger.

[fivesenseswizard]

Dear self,

I am proud of you. You let go of your pain now. Eventhough, we all know that he is also your happiness. It will be painful from the start. As time goes by, you will just going to laugh about those worst scenarios of the past. You can cry. You can cry as hard as you want. After that rain, a dazzling rainbow will come. Be ready for that blessing!

[fivesenseswizard]

Thank you

Thank you. I sincerely want to thank you. Salamat. Salamat sa mga masasayang memories na pinagsaluhan ntin. Salamat sa mga oras na nandyan ka kapag kailangan kita. Salamat sa pagsama sakin kapag pasan ko ang mundo. Salamat sa lahat. Thank you. Totoo salamat.

Thank you because you taught me to survive in my worst situatuon. You taught me about being strong. Pinamukha mo saking malakas pala ako. Kaya ko rin plang malapagpasan yung ganitong pain.

But.

I guessed, it is a goodbye already. Suko nako. I'm tired fighting. I want to be free. Pagod nakong lumaban sa labang di mo naman ako poprotektahan. Thank you. I want to be happy again.

[fivesenseswizard]

Before this year ends (2019)

This day is my 2019 plot twist. This is the painful day of my year. Why? I am still an idiot., loving the same man last year.

I prayed to God that I want to be with my mother badly. I want to hug her and talked to her and tell her "Ma ang sakit pala. Alam ko na yung pakiramdam ng ginawa ni papa"

All these years, I've been crying and telling to myself to stand up, breathe and go with the flow of life. I've been enduring a lot of pain. This is the worst.

I read all of my posts here before writing this. I emotionally read all the pains I've been through with the same man. Dear self, I am still not done.

I want to ask everybody. I am the one sacrificing so much, but I am still the one receiving all the pain. I give efforts, embarassment to myself, almost my everything, still I am still the one receiving this shits.

Can somebody just love me the way I loved? It is always me that is giving. Can I just receive more love? A concrete love.

2020, can you just be kind to me? Just for once in my life, I wanted to be special.

[fivesenseswizard]

12-15-19

Remember this pain. It will eventually kill you.

[fivesenseswizard]

Nakakasawa na

Nakakasawang araw araw na lang akong umiiyak

Nakakasawang puro sakit nalang ang aking nraramdaman

Nakakaswang umasa na magiging espesyal pko

Nakakasawang mag aalala sayo pero iba nasa isip mo

Nakakasawang magbabago ka

Nakakasawang magbabago lahat

Nakakasawang maging tanga

Nakakasawang araw araw sumusugal

Nakakasawa na. .

Sobrang nakakasawa na

Pero puso ko di sawang pumili ng maling pagmamahal

[fivesenseswizard]

Behind your dreams

Behind your dreams, there is always a believer. A believer who is always there to support you in any goals that you have. A believer that always there to guide you on your winning trophies. A believer that always praying for your safe travel to the top. A believer that caring for your capabilities to stand on your rights. A teacher that in any reason will always stand behind your shadow waiting for your success in life. Always look back and thank them. Happy Teacher's day po sa lahat ng huwaran at mabubuting gurong kilala ko! I salute you all!

[fivesenseswizard]

Inaalala ko yung mga panahong nagsisimula pa lang tayo. Masaya at puno ng pag asa. Ang sabi ko sa sarili ko bago kita umpisahang mahalin, sa susunod na lalaking mamahalin ko, buong puso kong iaalay ang kasal na gusto ko. At akala ko ikaw na yun. Halos isang taon na tayong magksama. Walang commitment, walang label kasi bawal. Bawal dahil ex ko kaibigan mo. Kaya heto hanggang ngayon tamang landian lang tayo. Tama? Hindi ko lam kung tama pa ba. Lalo na at yung sakit sa part ko iba na. Ibang iba na. Yung saya at pag asa ko dati heto lungkot at pighati na. Kasi ngayon, tanggap ko ng kahit kelan di moko ipaglalaban. Umiiyak ako di dahil masakit, umiiyak ako kasi naiinis ako na hanggang ngayon yung akala kong pakiramdam na wala na, heto unti unti na naman akong nilalamon. Gusto ko na lang makiagos sa trip mo eh. Kasi tanggap na ng isip kong wala ng pag asa. Pero yung puso ko umaasa pa rin na sana ako naman piliin mo. Na sana ako naman yung importante. Na sana maramdaman kong "I am worth fighting for".

[fivesenseswizard]

08-26-19

Di nako masaya.