flatwworm

[flatwworm]

Today the child downstairs kept acting out and freaking out

She would do things/not do things that would make her upset and then freak out

Like why'd you do that if it's gonna upset you or someone just told you not to do that, this is why behavior

I know she's just a kid and that's how they are sometimes but God was it infuriating

She kept screeching and screaming

Strangely I couldn't help but tie her into the story of how me and my friend stopped being friends

At the same time that the fall of our friendship happened my old friend was also starting to form a relationship with this family

Like even down to some of the starting point

When I wanted to stop doing all the grocery shopping and cooking was also when they wanted to have the downstairs family up for dinner (expecting me to cook) being the first time we really interacted with the downstairs family

My roommate really took a liking to this little girl and in a weird way I kinda think relates to her?

I see alot of that childlike lack of development in the emotions, children lack alot of empathy and they haven't really fiuge out how to look outside of themselves

I see alot of that in my roommate

I think they also take alot of pride and joy in being liked by this kid and being able to suppress her melt down

I also think they like acting like playing as a kid

At first I went out to play with them, playing with kids can be fun, I only want to do it once in awhile, roommates wanted to do it all the time

So they played with them more

Then falling out happens and I don't want to play with roommates and the kids, and I don't have much interest in kids

Roommate and this kid get close

roommate gets harder to be around, there behavior get unacceptable, I don't want to have to deal with it, or put up with it any more

Child gets infuriating to put up with

I don't think they have anything to do with eachother, but if this was a book the child would be a manifestation of what's happening?

[flatwworm]

It's not fair

I didn't do anything

All I did was lay there

[flatwworm]

He blames me for it

It's all my fault

He's hurt and it's all my fault

He can't work, he can't do anything

And it's all my fault

Oh course he doesn't want to see me

Why didn't he just break up with me already? Why'd he make me sit here waiting for months hoping for something I'm never gonna get

I've just been a monster to him this whole time and he didn't say anything

He ignored me when I asked, and it's because I was right

I don't want this, I don't wanna be someone that hurts people

I don't wanna hurt him

I don't want to hurt anyone

He doesn't want me, he's been disgusted by me this whole time while I keep trying to shove my love on him

I'm so stupid

He's afraid of me

He's scared of me

He's afraid of me

He's scared of me

He's afraid of me

He's scared of me

He's afraid of me

He's scared of me

He's afraid of me

He's scared of me

He's afraid of me

He's scared of me

He's afraid of me

He's scared of me

He's afraid of me

He's scared of me

He's afraid of me

He's scared of me

I'll never be able to lay in bed with him ever again, I'll never be able to hold him or kiss him ever again, I'll never feel his arms around me again, I'll never get to hold his hand again

I'll never get to see him again

Because I've made all of that something terrifying to him

[flatwworm]

I was right, he's scared of me

He's scared of my presence

My touch

He doesn't want to do anything with me, not kissing, not even laying beside each other

He's scared of even seeing me

That's not fair, am I a monster?

Am I a horrible terrible creature that can only hurt him?

How do we even make it back from that?

Can we if he views me like that?

Is it all over just like this? Is this how it ends

[flatwworm]

He regrets me

[flatwworm]

My Trichotillomania has gotten pretty bad lately

I was doing pretty well, my bush has fully grown on top the underneath (my problem area) was filling out and I was seeing progress

But now I've pulled out a massive amount, and there are some pretty serious bald spots

It being fully grown just makes it better for yanking out

I like feeling the coarse kinkier hairs between my fingers, I just want to pull them out and examine them and then once I start it's hard to stop I just keep looking for more good ones

Public hair is interesting, it comes in many forms, thinner, thicker, smooth, coarse, kinky, bumpy, curly, straight, brown, black, blonde, short, long, blunt end, tapered end, split end

It's interesting to compare them, I'll line them up after I pull them out

I'll examine the area, part the hair and sift through sections, oftentimes I can know a good one just by looking, I'll feel it between my fingers, rolling it back and forth, up and down, you can just feel if it'll come out easy, and then I'll yank it and bring it closer to me, hold the hair with one hand and stroke and twiddle it with the other, then I'll put it usually on my bare chest and look for more

Other times I'll just feel around, twist small chunks together and pull them all at once

I pull out most of my random chest and shoulders hairs, I also have to shave my sideburns higher

I have this mole at the top of my side burns that's always grown thicker, I usually don't shave high enough to get it, but I'll get fixated on it and twist and pull at it, I can't pull these hair out they're too sensitive to the point that my incessive fiddling with it will start to hurt

So I had to shave it, I think I should trim my bush down so it looks less weird and so it'll be harder to pull

[flatwworm]

Apartment hunting sucks

Everything is so expensive and not what I want

I like the area I'm currently in

My roommates have just made it impossible to stay here

[flatwworm]

I feel like I've scared you off

I feel like I've scared you with being unwell and telling you about it

I feel like I've scared you by telling you about my hypersexuality

I feel like I've scared you by sharing my paranoia about pregnancy

I feel like I've scared you from being too sexual, too clingy, too needy, too much

I feel like you've become repulsed by me, that my advices and sharing disgust you

I feel like you find sex with me shameful, guilty, and sinful

I feel like you don't want to text me, talk to me, or touch me and that you're only obliging because I clearly want it so bad

I've been made to feel dirty, repulsive, sinful and like a predator, And that its my sole responsibility things have gone this way

I feel ashamed of my sexuality, of my wants, of my needs

When I express these feelings to you, you reinforce them or ignore them

I can not tell whats real and what's in my head, what can be logically explained and what can't

I can't tell if I've really hurt you or to what extent

[flatwworm]

What I'm doing is wrong and cruel to my boyfriend

I'm terrified of people seeing my post

I'll be privating everything I can

And will no longer be talking to anyone

I feel this may be an abrupt end but a the necessary one

This blog and the things I do surrounding it are my biggest shames

I'll no longer be engaging in it

[flatwworm]

Mixed media on canvas

Reference

Title The spiral paradox

When I was a kid I used to imagine a line spiraling in my mind, but the problem was a spiral is infinite

I'd seemingly lose control of the line and I'd be stuck spiraling, literally

The way I managed to get my way out of it was to turn the spiral into a snail s shell

I found a satisfying way to draw a spiral to start my drawing and then played around with that, I believe I was listening to city pop which really contributed to the vibe's

I have a lot of fun embroidering the silver lines and added shadows with pen

I also enjoyed trying to make the affect of the bubbles work

Overall had a lot of fun with this one, it's definitely one of my more "happy" one

[flatwworm]

I have the most absurd combination of things in my bag rn

If I got robbed rn I'd have to do alot of explaining to the robber

I've got 12 edible, a vibrator, a pregnancy test, and an entire whole foods cake

Picture, minus the cake

[flatwworm]

Do you think its kinda hot being secretive about it tho?

No I just feel immensely guilty

[flatwworm]

have you talked to your bf yet about the nudes here?

Not exactly, I've talked to him about my nudes, I show him most of them, but I haven't told him I post them, I'm really ashamed of myself for it. The other day he did say he'd be ok with my having an only fans tho

[flatwworm]

Never work in film this shit sucks for real, I'm so fucking drained and tired

[flatwworm]

keep us updated

We have plans to have a no sex stuff date and talk about our feelings so I'm gonna discuss it then

[flatwworm]

Id say it might be cheating, but also…youre hot…

I'm going to tell him about my hpersexuality and see if he gets it

[flatwworm]

I wish I knew how to get followers on social media, it's kinda nice having usual no one see my posts cuz then I can be googoo bananas

But I also want praise and attention, I wish I had a small but decent following on OF

I think I'd really like that kinda ot attention