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I think back on all the things I've written and all the places I've been emotionally, and I'm so overwhelmed and grateful for the soul I have today. The light still twinkles softly, the sadness floats around, and the darkness swishes like waves. Yet there is a star burning inside me, a golden glow on the earth. And I feel so alive. And the best thing I felt recently was being tired and instead of feeling hopeless I felt thankful for how much I'd lived... How lucky am I for so many things, my heart is full 🫁🫀💗

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There's so much beauty and peace around me. It's sad at times though because it feels so breaking to feel so cold in such a warm place...

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"people whose moralities slide along mine like silk on a hang nail you don't get to clip because it's not your hand."

These words - amazing.

power; or, barbenheimer

I watched Barbie and Oppenheimer with people whose moralities slide along mine like silk on a hang nail you don’t get to clip because it’s not on your hand. How the nerves connect I do not get to convey to you, but my side (the silk actually) here: [Pause I don’t think I mentioned this: both are about power!! Very important point. Unclear why (because everything for me is about power right…

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How can I love something so much that I fear and despise so deeply so often? How can I love this life that I want to escape? This life that I feel so strongly moved by and yet so utterly emptied by -empty of. This life that makes me want to dance, that makes me want to drown. It's so crushingly beautiful, so suffocatingly heavy...

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The world is so big, and it's so full. It's so full and so empty. And it's so beautiful and so excruciatingly devastating. Utterly painful and heartbreaking, and yet beautiful and filled with so much goodness. How can something so big seem so meaningless? How can this crushing weight feel so small? How can there be greater pain than the enormous pain that we hold? How can something so ugly be so beautiful?

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Through the things we imagine that other people see in their blindness...

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In a way I love writing my speech. I love learning about people. But it also makes me very sad. And maybe I'm always sad, but this makes it real. Sometimes I don't feel like I know why I'm sad, but this is tangible. It's something outside of myself that is painfully obvious. Horribly concrete and tragic.

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Today I talked to people I didn't know, and today I also didn't talk to them. I was over at a friend's house helping her cook food so that it could be captured for a cookbook or something and a photographer came over and instead of introducing myself like a normal person I pretended I didn't exist. He came over and asked if I was cooking. Instead of taking my second chance to be a normal human and say something that made sense I was like, "I mean kind of, I'm chopping vegetables" but more stumbly and confused. And then that was the end of our conversation. Then my friend came back and asked if we'd been introduced and then proceeded to introduce us. Of course he said, "yeah, she said she's chopping vegetables." After about 2 hrs of being there he started letting his weirdness out. He's a weird person but he's so beautiful. As I walked out when I actually looked at him and said " it was nice to meet you" apparently my vocabulary is very limited because that's what I had said earlier when introduced. But his eyes are so pretty. They're pretty and they're like so kind or something. They have a lot of expression and depth. I think I'm in love again. People are so beautiful, I keep on being overwhelmed with like warm fuzzies.

Later today I was out cleaning my car and the UPS guy came and from afar asked if the dog was inside because she usually greets him. I was like "yeah" ... "we got a new dog" and that must have sounded so weird because the conversation just ended there. I had our dog inside to keep our puppy company because she doesn't like being alone and that's why I mentioned that we got a new dog but in the context I used it I feel like it makes it sound like we replaced our dog or something. Like oh yup that one's gone, we have a new one now.

I laugh but I don't know if I'm actually amused or if I'm concerned and broken.

Later today I was standing around in volunteer firefighter training. I don't talk to the people there much. One of the guys came and stood beside me. Then it seemed like he was about to say something to me. He glanced at me and did the whole talk breath thing a few times. Why couldn't I just say "hi"? That about to talk or maybe not talk thing is so relatable, so why couldn't I just say hi. Then he talked to me and I answered and I wasn't sure if we heard each other. It was the how are you how are you good thanks thing and then silence. So then I said something random. Then he told me why he was a firefighter and it involved people dying. I didn't know what to say. I fumbled. Pause. Then he mentioned his stroke or something. We talked for a very little bit. I asked someone else a question that came up about something and then someone was kind of where I'd been standing so I moved but then I felt bad because I don't know if we were still talking and what if he thought I didn't want to talk to him. I should have asked him how it had been after his accident or something but I didn't. And that's how I leave so many things and it makes me so mad. Because I wanted to talk to him so why did I leave?

Later today the puppy pooped on the floor and someone stepped on it. Then they didn't clean it, instead they came and told me (the only available person around) that the dog had pooped as if I was some sort of cleaning duty collector. In their monologue to the air preceding that they said they weren't cleaning it. I want to be a happy to do things person but I just find myself wondering why they didn't take responsibility for that. Why couldn't they just scoop it up and clean?

I stalked my old crushes on social media today and I realized I'm not enamored anymore and it's kind of sad. They're still beautiful people but they don't look the same without the glaze my admiration provided.

So I fell in and out of love today. I loved myself and then I ended the day confused again. I feel broken and lost again. But the weird thing is I think I heard the lady I was helping today tell me "you don't have to be afraid" and I was confused but quite honestly I probably do seem scared of people. I don't know, but honestly that's actually really good. I don't have to be afraid. I'm free. I love you.

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sometimes you just have to. just have to stand in a ray of light and be warm for a minute

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i’ve stopped saying “i’m sorry” when a grieving person tells me about their loss.

by the time night fell on the day my brother died, the words “i’m sorry” didn’t even look like words anymore. and they sure as hell didn’t mean anything to me. and i knew people were saying those words because they didn’t know what else to say, because there isn’t really anything to say.

but you know what stuck with me the most out of all the expressed condolences?

i remember the hands placed over hearts, heads nodding while i spoke.

i remember the first time i was told “i’m holding space for you” instead of “i’m so sorry.”

i remember the people who asked if they could light candles. the people who asked if they could pray. the people who sat in my grief with me. the people who didn’t try and make it better.

i remember the people who said “there’s nothing i can say and there’s nothing i can do, but my shoulder is ready for your head should you choose to rest it.” i remember the people who said “this sucks and there’s nothing i can do and there’s nothing you can do but here’s some soup, i made it with love.” i remember the people who asked “would it help to talk? my ears are ready for silence or screaming or whatever you need.”

i remember the people who wordlessly passed me another tissue.

“i’m sorry” is not a weapon that can kill grief because grief is born from love and you cannot kill what can never die.

“i’m sorry” can’t control the bleeding of a broken heart. but love can.

love can staunch that wound that grief leaves a body. it can’t heal it. not alone. but my god does it help so much more than words alone.

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ⓘ This user is tired.

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“The moment I saw her, a part of me walked out of my body and wrapped itself around her. And there it still remains.”

— Arundhati Roy, The Ministry of Utmost Happiness

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I pick up my phone - it's empty. There's nothing there that will take this pain away. There's no app I can open to make myself sleep, no button I can press to stop the chaos and confusion. Nothing that will fill this emptiness...

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“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

― Jamie Anderson

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When I first fell into life I was born on a beach. When I took my first step I walked into the water. I got caught in a wave and it carried me out to sea. Now I'm engulfed by the ocean and I don't remember what it feels like to stand on land.

As a child my whole world was ever flowing. When I lost my childhood I met people who had never lived in the ocean. People who didn't understand my tales of swimming. But how could they? For if you've lived a life running through forests and you've never seen the endless waters of the sea, how could it ever feel real?