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The clingiest man copping a feel.

Korben has been Maximum Slutty the past two days. No matter where I am he needs to be pressed up against me unless he’s actively eating or peeing.

He’s so desperate he’s actually on my chest which is never his preferred position. Someone doesn’t like that we’re sick and the routine is slightly different. It’s Korben.

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Korben has been Maximum Slutty the past two days. No matter where I am he needs to be pressed up against me unless he’s actively eating or peeing.

He’s so desperate he’s actually on my chest which is never his preferred position. Someone doesn’t like that we’re sick and the routine is slightly different. It’s Korben.

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You know when cats get up really suddenly and puff up? All their fur standing on end while they arch their back threateningly? Sometimes they hop a few times?

That’s how my betrothed looks when they hear my customer service voice.

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My betrothed and I are getting dinner at a fish and chip shop and they held up one of their fried clams with utter fascination, slowly pulling it apart and saying, “Where’s the clam?”

A bigger one, round and plump, they declared, “Well I know where the clam is in that one!”

Like, they know it’s fried and battered but they keep picking up clams and studying them. They’ll pick one up, bite it, then peer inside trying to learn their tiny clam mysteries.

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We had breakfast with my nana for Mother’s Day and my nana went, “Do you like peaches?”*

*It’s not just peaches, this applies to any kind of fruit.

This is a rhetorical question. She asks this of everyone all the time and never bothers to learn the answer and as I’ve coached my wife many times it’s critical to say, “No.”

Do I like peaches? I’m fucking insane about peaches.

Do I want peaches from my nana? Fuck no.

Because it’s either A. She has gone buckwild at the grocery store and bought more fruit than she can eat and wants to offload a bunch of subpar peaches moments away from rotting-

Or B. Her peach tree is spitting out more mediocre peaches than she knows what to do with and rather than find a lasting solution she tries to sucker everyone she knows into taking a palette of them.

When she asked about peaches at breakfast I coolly informed her that she’d burned that bridge with the plums.

Undeterred she brightened and said, “Oh, do you like plums?”

“No,” I stated with profound conviction.

After a moment I grudgingly added, “Unless you get Italian plums this year.” Because despite what I tell my wife none of us really learn from our past experience.

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I apparently have a pet pig.

It fucking hates me.

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Alleviating some discomfort at the cost of new different discomfort.

Cold food actively makes period crampies worse and yet all I want in the house is the tangerine popsicles in the freezer.

Cmon brain. Stop it. Want something that’s not detrimental.

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Cold food actively makes period crampies worse and yet all I want in the house is the tangerine popsicles in the freezer.

Cmon brain. Stop it. Want something that’s not detrimental.

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I can feel my higher brain function trying to shut down just as I heated up lunch. Just put a bite of food in my mouth like I forgot what lips are for.

In imminent need of a nap, trying to power through paneer masala before I critically fail a con save.

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Honestly not trying to drag anyone but a lot of people heard me say: mobile games are detrimentally addictive to my brain.

And responded by recommending mobile games.

I tend to get really addicted to stupid phone games. I am absolutely the target audience and stupid mobile games have popped in and out of my life in various times and needed to be defeated.

From cutting a rope to flinging a bird to flapping around, I really really hone in and stop paying attention to anything else.

I know that the only safe games for me to interact with are finite, they need stories and an ending for me to be able to not get totally sucked into an addiction void.

But I’m sick and I want to do mindless activities and I keep having to scroll past mobile game ads and I can feel the evil whispering in my ear.

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WHY THE FUCK DO THEY LET YOU HIT YOUR BABY CAT FRIEND!!

Evil game dev decision. Jail for game dev. Jail for 1000 years.

I tend to get really addicted to stupid phone games. I am absolutely the target audience and stupid mobile games have popped in and out of my life in various times and needed to be defeated.

From cutting a rope to flinging a bird to flapping around, I really really hone in and stop paying attention to anything else.

I know that the only safe games for me to interact with are finite, they need stories and an ending for me to be able to not get totally sucked into an addiction void.

But I’m sick and I want to do mindless activities and I keep having to scroll past mobile game ads and I can feel the evil whispering in my ear.

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I have three unplayed titles for PS4 that I was picking from. I really want Pikmin or Windwaker but both require switching out consoles and that ain’t happenin.

I was gonna do a poll to see what people thought I should pick between Knack, Monster Hunter World and Red Dead Redemption 2 but then my beloved came up and pointed at monster hunter so that’s what I’m going for.

I tend to get really addicted to stupid phone games. I am absolutely the target audience and stupid mobile games have popped in and out of my life in various times and needed to be defeated.

From cutting a rope to flinging a bird to flapping around, I really really hone in and stop paying attention to anything else.

I know that the only safe games for me to interact with are finite, they need stories and an ending for me to be able to not get totally sucked into an addiction void.

But I’m sick and I want to do mindless activities and I keep having to scroll past mobile game ads and I can feel the evil whispering in my ear.

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Anyone offering recommendations is legally obligated to buy me the recommended title. I’m teasing but I’m also not gonna buy anything so it’ll have to be a title I own.

I tend to get really addicted to stupid phone games. I am absolutely the target audience and stupid mobile games have popped in and out of my life in various times and needed to be defeated.

From cutting a rope to flinging a bird to flapping around, I really really hone in and stop paying attention to anything else.

I know that the only safe games for me to interact with are finite, they need stories and an ending for me to be able to not get totally sucked into an addiction void.

But I’m sick and I want to do mindless activities and I keep having to scroll past mobile game ads and I can feel the evil whispering in my ear.

[foldingfittedsheets]

I tend to get really addicted to stupid phone games. I am absolutely the target audience and stupid mobile games have popped in and out of my life in various times and needed to be defeated.

From cutting a rope to flinging a bird to flapping around, I really really hone in and stop paying attention to anything else.

I know that the only safe games for me to interact with are finite, they need stories and an ending for me to be able to not get totally sucked into an addiction void.

But I’m sick and I want to do mindless activities and I keep having to scroll past mobile game ads and I can feel the evil whispering in my ear.

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At the discount grocery store here we grabbed some stuff for our stay. I grabbed some yogurt- I’m not an all the time yogurt person but they had passion fruit which is my favorite.

Later putting groceries away my betrothed said, “I can’t wait to try the water buffalo yogurt.”

I looked up, confused. “The one with the buffalo on the label, you mean? Why?”

They looked surprised, “Because it’s made from water buffalo milk?”

“It’s made from water buffalo milk?!”

“What did you think that meant? They can’t lie about it!”

“I thought it was just their brand name or like, their mascot. It’s really water buffalo yogurt??”

“Yes!” They replied, laughing at my obliviousness.

I’m having it for breakfast. It’s okay. Little watery. You can really taste the buffalo.

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I am sick. I am bleeding.

It should be illegal to feel this wretched.

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Deconstructed matzah brei egg salad eaten on matzah.

My beloved wife asked for matzah when I had to run into Whole Foods last week. Our regular grocery store doesn’t carry it.

So I go in and run my errand and I need to get to work so I spot a worker in the bakery section and ask, “Excuse me, where’s your matzah?”

She stared at me blankly. After a moment she said, “Well, if we have it, I think it would be in the bulk section when you first come in, or maybe in the baking aisle.”

The second she said bulk section I had to restrain a laugh and it was clear to me she had no fucking idea what matzah was. “It’s okay,” I said.

But she was undeterred, “Did I misunderstand, what is it you’re looking for?”

“Matzah,” I repeated, “it’s a flat Jewish bread- it’s like a cracker.” The thought of it being stored in a bulk bin was still nibbling at my edges trying to get me to laugh.

She frowned and shook her head and I said, “It’s fine, I can get it some other time.”

But she was determined. “Here, look, there’s a grocery worker over there, let’s go ask her.”

I followed along like a bit of flotsam caught in her wake as she marched over to the young grocery worker. The bakery woman gestured to me and I repeated my request.

Her face scrunched up in confusion. I sighed as quietly as possible.

“What was it called? Mat-zah…. Hmm.”

“I know, right, I don’t know if I’ve heard of it.”

“And it’s a bread?”

“Yeah…”

I interjected, “It’s an unleavened flatbread, like a cracker.”

The grocery girls eyes slowly unfocused and I saw the dawning realization as she landed on what I’d been asking for.

“Oh! Thats in the baking aisle!”

I thanked her while privately thinking that’s a really weird place for it and most grocery stores have it in the ethnic food section but whatever.

My quest ended I proudly presented my beloved with their requested matzah. I also related the story of my quest to find it and quipped, “If they sold those stupid communion wafers in grocery stores no one would have looked as baffled as those two ladies. They would have just known right where they are.” My beloved laughed and kissed my head.

But I do think if they sold Eucharist at the grocery store it could be in the bulk section.