for-the-brokenhearted

[for-the-brokenhearted]

4/10/2022

why cant I get this right? this morning I woke up and had a super nice morning by myself with a cup of coffee, reading the bible, and building a playlist. im still not sure what to call it so I just have a bunch of leaf emojis. because its just like good going outside and walking through the woods vibe.

anyways, I was having such a good day and craig and I spent time for the first time since he had left for SF last monday. and I fucked it up

im so frustrated we got into this huge argument and it was completely my fault. I overreacted and felt bad. we resolved everything and were on good terms. 

[for-the-brokenhearted]

4/7/2022

Dude 

Im so overwhelmed. I woke up this morning to a bunchh of emails and texts from Craig and lee Redfield that their conversation did not go well

Ive just been crying and stressed all day

I want to try to calm down but idk what to do, I’m tired of all this 

There are so many things we’ve handled over the last few months 

1/12 - me getting laid off

2/3 - finding out im pregnant and Craig getting laid off

3/4 - getting married

4/5 - figuring out the gender, it’s a BOY

Im so stressed that I don’t want anything to get ruined and this should be a happy time but I feel like everything is falling apart

I feel like I can’t think straight bc im so stressed

Im trying to prioritize my mental state and my health but being week 14 into this pregnancy is getting super difficult

Just bc I feel so limited in what I can and can’t do its just hard but I know it’ll be all worth it in the end and its temporary,

I just find it hard to believe we’re juggling being newly weds, new parents, moving, purchasing a home and starting new jobs all at one time

Its fucking difficult and I never knew that life could hit so fast - all in all im just super thankful for everything we’ve been able to get through but I feel like im at my breaking point. 

All I can do to stay sane is eat, take a hit or two of the pen and chill which is annoying and makes me feel bad too bc part of me feels like  I shouldn’t 

Everything is so hard and complicated rn

[for-the-brokenhearted]

3/31/22

i am so frustrated 

I feel so trapped in my own skin 

I feel like i’ve lost all independence 

I was not mentally ready to have a roommate or someone who is around me 24/7

it’s exhausting I mean j love craig but I feel suffocated

I feel like I can’t even take a phone call without some unnecessary input form him 

and then we go to fill out the preapprovwl and the form was giving me so many issues 

I just broke down and started crying

this is insane I feel so trapped and like I can’t do anything 

even though I accepted a job offer yesterday 

[for-the-brokenhearted]

3/26/2022

dude

I just took a drug test and j tested negative which wa such a relief

it was scary at first bc when I glanced at the test it was positive but then I went out and looked again and there was a very faint line for negative which apparently still counts

it’s been 8 days and i’ve been eating mostly healthy with the exception of two pieces of pizza and chick fil a last week and went to bjs 3 days after smoking last  bjt I got spinach and been eating salads of that only

cranberry juice I drank in less than a week

and a lot of water but not an extreme amount

I also did 2 5 mile runs and a hill workout 

and i’m about to run another 5

this whole thing is so scary but I do have hope 

I panicked and got a detox drink bjt j don’t think I have to use it

I fucking hate this and to think I maybe have to do this each month is terrifying but I believe there’ll be a way to manage it 

And the detox pills

[for-the-brokenhearted]

3/16/2022

difference between craig and my family 

craig’s family says their opinion without a judgment attached to it, they come up with suggestions. 

my family does attach a judgment 

“oh can you not dothat, that’s gross”

craig’s family says just suggests an alternative and doesn’t say anything about the actions like “that’s dangerous” or “that’s not the smartest” like my family which makes it easier to internalize as criticism 

[for-the-brokenhearted]

2/20/22

what the actual fuck is going on 

I just got back from a super emotional first scan of our baby telling us that it’s 8 weeks and 3 days old which is a lot farther along than we thought

and I come back to hear that craig is legit actually questioning if he’s the father bc he “doesn’t remember” when we had sex

we didn’t have sex that often but like you’re seriously going to wuestikn my fidelity after all these issues and the drama that even came with getting engaged 

what a fuckkng slap in the face

as if I wasn’t stressed out or emotional enough 

what a fuckkng prick 

and then as i’m reacting he’s telling me to shut up bc he doesn’t want my mom to hear even though he’s being completely selfish

i’m so anxious and this was supposed to be a happy day for us and he ruined it with his own insecurity and irrational fears i’m fucking done

he makes me feel like i’m completely alone in this snd everything was suppose to be happy and he just fucked it all

up

i’ve bent over backwards over the last 3 months to change everything that has been toxic about me, break down my unhealthy habits for the sake of our future marriage and i’ve taken so much criticism over how I live my life and what that needs to look like with a healthy mindset and STILL i’m getting the brunt of every negative insecure thought he has about our relationship 

I need more

i’ve done so much and this was the final straw i’ve never been so disrespected in my life snd my reaction it totally justified and should never be thrown back in my face

it is not my fault or responsibility to

manage my partners untreated mental health and crazy reactions to

things that aren’t even real let alone rational 

this outcome just makes me realize that when my partner has anxiety or fear and cannot calm down, that will ALWAYS take precedence over anything regardless if i’m more stressed out or emotional or even fuckkng pregnant

[for-the-brokenhearted]

2/3/2022

wow

I just took a preganany test and it’s positive 

i’ve only taken one test

I don’t even know what to think

I don’t have  job I don’t have income or next steps craig just got locked out of his work shut 

we’re in the middle of a snowstorm for one day

we don’t know where we’re going to live or move to 

we don’t even know what we’re doing

with my mental health it feels impossible to go through a day

i’m so anxious all the time and the last 

[for-the-brokenhearted]

11/19/2021

k i’m sitting in our hotel lobby seconds before I get proposed to

i’ve already cried

i’ve already been scared

but what’s so scary about this? people do this all the time? I love him so much and this is everything I could have asked for and more

i’m panicking 

[for-the-brokenhearted]

7/1/2020

feeling good about craig and i usually i waiver in my confidence idk what’s happening but covid is making everyone more open to marriage and I feel

all around better about our relationship 

now all we have to do is get along which should be funny to try 

kinda weird how we have to try to get along better actively 

[for-the-brokenhearted]

ive been locked out of my account so im importing all of the entries done outside of this

4/8/22

[for-the-brokenhearted]

11/7/2020

wowow i am in complete shock and disbelief but ive also been crying happy tears of joy.

everywhere is a scene. celebrating the win of biden and kamala harris.

i hate it with everything that this was the first election i voted in, however I have no regrets. I think sometimes, what if i didn’t vote this time? what would have happened?

i feel an immense amount of relief as im sitting here comforted by Jagger, watching footage of times square from earlier today of people coming together and celebrating the victory. 

I feel so good. i went out and skated today (roller skated) and felt so free. I felt so happy I was dancing. but I’ve also been crying happy tears and tears of relief.

FUCKING TRUMP IS OUT and i couldnt be happier. i remember when he got elected and i couldnt look anyone in the eye in 2016. i was working an shitty job at wells fargo in the middle of williamson county feeling defeated and scared.

now i feel validated, heard, and free.

it’s been a long ride and i finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. with everything going on, craigs family and their health, them moving to maine, sean and eion breaking up two months ago, craig switching careers to pursue boxing, covid, and getting covid, racial tensions, and an election at the end of the year. 

we all had the feeling on 1.1.2020 that this year would be filled of hope but it was the worst case possible. but it was all worth it for the glimmer of hope i have in our country and in our people. 

im texting craig all the memes and videos of people celebrating. I have never prayed so hard for an election or for the outcome of an election, but I pray that this is the beginning of a long hard road of change that has been much needed.  Thank you Jesus for giving us a leader we need.

[for-the-brokenhearted]

6/24/20

FINALLY im back in.

Things are still batshit crazy believe it or not. like history books crazy. RN there is a huge BLM movement happening after the death of George Floyd. I never knew how important this year was going to be. For me. For my relationship. For the WORLD.

I’ve had a lot of feelings and a lot of them I haven’t felt until this year. A lot of things I didn’t even realize I was suffering from until 3 weeks ago. SO much has changed but not a lot of time has gone by

I am tired. I’m sad. I’m confused. It really is day by day but I’ve spent a lot of it crying. Processing. Coping. Healing.

I’m at home rn and i’ve been here for 5 days. I got here on thursday for fathers day and it;s been nice but also so difficult. Two days ago, my mom, sister and i had a really tough conversation about race and our own expereinces. I had no idea that my sister was called the hard R by her prom date nonetheless. I talked about my sexual assault in depth and it was really good for all of us.

however when i went to sleep that night i was crying and almost broken. theres just so much pain here, theres so much pain in the world and it’;s a lot to take on.

People are dying and people are fighting. I’m so fatigued. I’ll update again soon. Just really tired rn. go figure.

[for-the-brokenhearted]

a new kind of world

3/29/20

It’s crazy how much can change in just a little less than 2 months.

last time i wrote i was going into my CS interview, and i was so freaking nervous. i think it was to my detriment because i psyched myself out and cut myself down when i really shouldn’t have. it has caused me to have a warped perspective on what i can and can’t do and has definitely hurt my self esteem. I say all of this because I’m writing to you now going into my 4th week as a CSM.

pretty unbelievable right? I am so thankful to GOD for the fact that this even happened. just reminds me how blessed i am. 

i’ve also gotten to see my grandparents twice in a month. i’ve spent so much quality time with them and so thankful they’ve made it back to NY safely....

i’m kind of not being straight to the point. if you were someone reading this post tomorrow, you would be shocked i havent mentioned it yet.

the world is changing right now and it’s all very very obvious. when i last wrote about a month and a half ago, we were living in totally different times. 

Back then, i was still in an office environment, i could go to a bar with my friends, i could pick up toilet paper and everything i needed no problem, i could cough and sneeze without getting looks...wow, how nice it would be to just go to any store during business hours and get what i wanted/needed. but no, i can’t. because every business is temporarily shut down due to the social restrictions society has placed on the general public to avoid the spread of germs even further.

back in february, it didn’t feel that close to home. now going into my 3rd week straight working from home, feeling the restrictions of where i can’t go first hand, and just feeling the stress around me is making me feel the gravity and the seriousness of this sickness.

 Coronavirus (COVID-19) has completely altered how we interact each other on a long term, temporary solution for carrying out our lives unchanged day in and day out. take out is the only option. want to go to a happy hour? tough shit. hop on a zoom call with your friends bc all the bars are boarded up and shut down. 

no one can get haircuts, massages, manicures, etc. There are stickers placed on the floors of big public places 6 feet apart as a reminder to keep your distance. 

at first i didnt take this seriously which i feel terribly about now. that is an extrenely selfish way to live because who knows how many times i could have (or have) exposed people who are weaker and more susceptible to the germs, just because my body was a carrier. It is so important today to remain vigilant, be considerate of others, and prevent the spread of germs as much as possible.

i saw toilet paper for the first  time in public in over 2 weeks. unbelievable. this time is changing how society will operate. for example, movies premiered for the first time at home and not in theatres because of coronavirus. one day, people will look bakc and think that it was so old school to actually go to the movie theatre to watch new movies because that was the only way. 

food delivery services are offering so many discounts asz well as vod streaming platforms. ALL SCHOOLS ARE CANCELED. many are teaching/learning from home. great for rev tbh b/c of their sudden need for captions ASAP. i feel for my sister, who’s start date for her first professional job got pushed back to july when in reality it was supposed to be tomorrow.

sean was telling me how she won’t be able to do all the fun things seniors do at psu bc she has to go back to new york and take classes from home to help contain the virus. also in NY it’s the worst, there are 30k cases in that one state and the next worst state’s cases are around 3k. it’s spreading so badly.

i got a cnn notification today on my phone that the death toll in the us went fromn 1k-2k in a matter of two days. austin has been in a shelter-in-place state since last tuesday (3/24). i’m so bored so whenever i need to talked to people i c all up craig and go to his house.

we all got so drunk last night. its been fun being ‘quarantined’. there ar some perks and some downsides but for the most part i love it. i dont mind it at all unless i actually want to get something done. we’ve been living like its a different time. the whole world has slwoed down. gyms are closed so people are exercising and biking/running outside. i havent worked out this much in ages. most people are working form home so theres no traffic, so less pollution. 

this is an interesteimng time were living in. i cant believe im experiencing it first hand, i want to document this as much as i can but im afraid i’ll forget.

[for-the-brokenhearted]

2/3/2020

i am about to go into my interview for cs and im really nervous but i have a good feeling about htis interview. i have about 4 minutes until i start and im freaking out.

i know God is with me and i know he has walked before me and knows what is going on and His will. i trust him but i need to rest in the rfact that hes walked before me and its only in His hands.

i am so scared i wish there wasnt a bu9ild up to it. im listenign to l9oyal by odesza and doing this post to help me withmy nervews and anxiety. i cannot feel like im not good enoygh

i am not new. i got this. i know the product. i am more qualified than nay other candidate. i dont think theyre ddoubing me and want me to do well 

[for-the-brokenhearted]

1/23/2020

i am actually getting freaked out about how much time is passing without me logging in or anything. a lot of course has happened in the 7+ months ive been gone. its like a fucking pregnancy

ive literally been gone almost long enough to have a fucking child. i should start writing in here more, bobbi even suggested that. i had a meltdown at her house a couple of weeks ago and she gave me some really great advice....jase too.

i was upset bc craig and i had another fight. we had just gotten back from ny and i got sick with sinus infection and pink eye. wonderful. he came over and gave me some schpeel about...wait...schpiel? shpealllll....shpiel?? 

*clears throat* 

....about how he would like for us to be a couple that has great self discipline and shit... blah blah blah. im so annoyed. not only was it the most imperfect timing (me feeling as bad as i look) but as if i already didnt feel like shit.

this september, on MY birthday actually, we had a huge blowout bc i just couldnt take it anymore. i was sick of feeling fat, imperfect, ugly, not fit, all that jazz. 

what caused it all was him pointing out how i had bad posture while driving to his house. i fucking lost my shit.

“WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP POINTING OUT MY INSECURITIES I FEEL LIKE IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU IM SICK OF THIS SHIT I SHOULD NOT FEEL THIS BAD ABOUT MYSELF ALL THE TIME AND IM SICK OF THE PASSIVE AGRESSIVE COMMENTS YOU MAKE ABOUT ME AND MY BODY AND I FEEL LIK EVERY TIME YOU TOUCH ME ITS LIKE YOU’RE EVALUATING MY BODY FAT”

to be fair, i shoudlnt have blown the fuck up. but come on. i had been dealing with this shit for over two years. since float fest, maybe even before that. which is awful bc i shouldnt feel so bad everytime i look in the mirror. 

when im with my boyfriend or future husband or whatever...i should feel like the most beatufiyl person, inside and out. like i can tell him EVERYTHING and not feel like i have to lie to protect myself. 

this is just scary bc the bottom line is lately i havent felt like that. in a long time. like prob over a year. which sucks. 

anyways, the solution i came up with was to not talk about food, health, or fitness for 3 months. yup. i laid down the law. 

but at the same time, i needed to. this had really manifested itself into something super super ugly. where when we went out to eat i would order what i would think he would WANT me to order, not bc he said anything, but bc of the pressure i felt whether that was coming from him or me. 

i would also lie about getting fast food by myself or feel happy when i would skip a meal bc it was less calories- these are very unhealthy behaviors and i did tons more.

i felt like the little commesnt like grande girl or glutton girl really got to me and he probably felt like he could make those comments safely bc i wasnt fat or unhealthy. but he made me feel like it. 

im still working on it everyday, but right now im hitting a wall.

Bobbi told me to start writing more bc i think the stream of consciousness helps me cope. and i know shes right. i tell craig the same thing and he says it helps him gather his thoughts and whatnot.

i went over to her house freaking out bc i found myself in a state where i’m afraid of everything- this is actually my current state. i just had a major realization. 

im afraid of love. marriage. committment.. running. exercising. living together. moving forward- even though that's everything i want

craig also said that he felt like hes not allowed to touch me and we havent had sex in a while. bobbi pointed out that this is probably bc i wasnt taking care of myself and bc I didnt like MYSELF so i didnt want anyone near me.

she was def right about that. 

so i started doing more for myself and prioritizing the things i needed to do over everything else. its been nice. i even took a bath today. and the thing is craig is happy when i do things for myself like that. which is great.

but im still defensive and i still reject physical touch. i dont feel that kind of love i felt for craig at the beginning and he probably knows that. weve been through so much and ifeel like i dont know what to do.

i feel like were so unhealthy and i feel like things are always so fucking hard. i mean you know whats batshit crazy....? weve been dating for almost 5 motherfucking years. 

im so upset. not that weve been dating for that long, but because i feel like were still in such a juvenile spot. i got made earlier in 2019 bc craig is JUST NOW thinking about marriage and is having a forward thinking mindset. justnow. i am 25. im just sick of dating someone younger than me sometimes. 

i want to be lead. i want someone whos there for me. i want security, reliabiolity, etc.

last night we atually got into an arguemnt over bobbi and jase: tl;dr i feel like hes weird aroudn them and didnt liek the fact that he says a ton of outlandish negative untrue bullshit about jase and its not even true. its just based off of the “vibes” he gets. i dont do that. i try to be as kind as i can to everyone and i just feel like he has a lack of tolerance. i dont like that. i want him to have a good heart and treat everyone as they should be regardless of their background, unhealthy habits etc. 

i just feel like maybe the more we grow old or whatever, the less compatible were getting. and im exhausted. i dont feel like dating anyone else i dont even feel like dating him sometimes.

something cool we did discover, along with the fact that i need to take care of myself more is that in the relationship i have alwasy been “on” or “on call” in a way of alwasy being alert and never at rest bc i feel like he needs me to show up somewhere and in a way it was my way of showing that i cared about the relationship bc it was always top of mind, wrong. i am tired and maybe thats why i always got on his ass about random bullshit bc i felt like i was always putting in way more effort than he was, bc i was. in a bad way.

I'm really lost and i don't know what to do. I've been in new Orleans (still am) for Kaltura connect and its been super fun to meet a ton of cool people. but i am so tired, I worked almost a 12 hour day yesterday and conferences are exhausting. 

maybe im feeling this way bc I'm tired? i just hope we get it back even though sometimes it feels like we wont’. our relationship has always been so volatile form the very beginning and i was hoping that over time it would get better. in some ways it has, in some ways it hasnt. 

i look at couples and marriage photos and see the love and the joy these other people experience and i wonder if i will ever get that. sometimes with craig i think yes, but sometimes i think no. what if this ends. i know ill be okay if it does but obviously thats not ideal. the thing is that were not even married and i dont feel that now, will i ever? will it come back? im praying for an amazing and safe but spontaneous love and ive been praying that for a while, i just dont know if ill ever get that with him. is this God telling me this is the end? then again,  ive felt like this before

like last year 12.23.18 when craig called me a slut and called my family psychos at the slc track bc i accidentally threw keys at my face. it took me the majority of 2019 to get over that. and to get over the fact that 4 months later i was going to be fired from wells fargo.

bottom line is im getting older and i feel like i don't have time for stupid bullshit or to feeol bad about myself, but the problem is that i still do. maybe this is just the beginning of the end. we love each other so much- i really do and i mean it. sometimes i feel like i could never be this comfortable with anyone ever again, but then again i said that last time with chad.

fuckkkkkkkkk i hate feeling like this. i hate being so unsure about everything and feeling like shit. i feel lonely bc sometimes our disagreements are so bad. i just want him to grow up and get over htis shit or maybe its just time to move on.

hes already done some growing up but i cant keep banking on that to happen in a long term plan bc what happens if he doesnt..... then what. 

[for-the-brokenhearted]

6/17/19 Life update

happy & sad- kacey musgraves

today was a weird day. a lot has happened, the last time i logged into this account i thought was earlier this year but in reality it was last year....which is weird. just goes to show how much has happened.

I havent had enough time to process or really understand what has happened but here is my attempt at deconstructing it all.

In january i got the okay to pursue the licensing program this year which was supposed to happen in march but got pushed back to april.

well i got fired. on april 25 and watched everything i had worked for get ripped out from under me. all the shit i put up with working under stephen and the mistreatment and all that bullshit just disappeared. i remember driving home looking at businesses thinking i need to find a job and looking for ideas so i can at least have income. it was bullshit, all of it. i am still working through some of these feelings today. even though it was almost 2 months ago. i got fired for some bs reason and the dispute case is still open. 

what is a miracle is that i found a job less than two weeks later and accepted the offer before the two week anniversary of the end of my wells fargo career. and i am writing to you on my work computer. i work in a super healthy work culture with wicked smart people and have a healthy work life balance. yes i work downtown now and commute is 40 minutes but i truly am happier day to day. however i am still sad.

i don’t want God to think my sadness is me not being grateful for the amazing things that have happened to me. but i have been spending all my time brushing over it and moving on that i havent really taken the time i needed to close that chapter. that was my family, i gave my heart and soul to that company and them letting me go like that was a slap in the face, not to mention i have a finra case open b/c of what they wrote about me after i left which was false.

I am three weeks into my new job. I have made great relationships thus far and have learned a whole lot. I am excited about the possibilities ahead but its hard for me to not acknowledge what has just happened. i was forced into a new life stage and i was not ready for it. God knows i wasnt and this was all part of his plan which is why i found it so easy to bury it because this was something completely out of my control like everything else.

today i feel defeated. I think i need to start taking my antidepressants regularly because i cant deal with the saddness i feel sometimes. i get triggered out of nowhere.

today i was doing some record keeping with my prescriptions and for whatever reason on the label i read the word “promised” and then the date i was supposed to pick it up on. this made me so sad. i dont know why.

i know that this is how things are supposed to be going and i have had shit timing with everything but sometimes i feel like im a failure. like im a disappointment. i feel like when i got fired i let everyone down, myself, my mom and my dad. 

I feel like because i am so emotional i feel like i have to prove my strength which is not fair. i am what i am and i am built this way. 

I am so grateful and have everything i could ever ask for. but i am still struggling.

last week i started to drive to cedar park to work instead of getting on mopac to go downtown. this is one of the hardest things ive ever had to deal with. i just hope i can make everyone proud bc i feel like ive failed to do a lot of the things i said i was going to do. i am very sad but i know i will be alright.

i should write here more. I cant believe its been 7 years since i started this damn thing. how much has time changed things.

i feel like between shit going down between craig and i two days before christmas and now i have not been able to catch a break and just when everything is going well something fucking shitty happens.

maybe thats why im so emotional now (also my period) but i think i am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[for-the-brokenhearted]

Survey

Bolded answer is the one from this year. Italics is last years, plain is the year before.

I feel like this would be something fun to do every year. 3/25/15

well its that time of the year again.. 4/19/16- im a little late

Super late on this annual survey shit..9/24/17

Wow here we go again 7/29/18

1.Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend?

boyfriend 18

boyfriend 17

boyfriend 16

boyfriend 15

2.When did your last hug take place?

I think the last hug i had was when i dropped craig off at the airport 3 days ago 18

this afternoon when i was leaving craigs place at keith lane during half time when the Giants were playing 17 this afternoon with craig in the UTC before the smile meeting 16 last night before i walked down my alley with alex brown 15

3.Are you a jealous person?

I can be in the right situation 18

i think we all are 17 it depends 16 I can be 15

4.Are you tired right now?

Yes even though i took a six hour nap, oh well 18

tired but i know ill have trouble sleeping 17 yeah just a little 16 exhausted 15

5.Do you chew on your straws?

I do if i have one and im nervous 18

not really but sometimesv17 yes sometimes 16 sometimes 15

6.Have you ever been called a tease?

Oh yeah but not lately 18

yeah 17 yup 16 YES 15

7.Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? Hell no 18

no 17

absolutely not 16

nope 15

8.Do you cry easily?

YES 18

i used to but not anymore 17

yes 16

i dont think so 15

9.What should you be doing right now?

nothing actually 18

sleeping 17 studying 16 sleeping 15

10.Are you a heavy sleeper?

never 18

nope 17 no 16 noooooo 15

11.Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?

Yes just a little over 3 years now 18

yeah, going on two and a half years now 17 yup, its almost been a year :) 16 absolutely, it just depends on the other person 15

12.Are you mad at someone right now?

no 18

no just myself 17 not really 16 no 15

13.Do you believe in love?

yeah 18

yes. 17 yeah i do 16 yeah just not for me right now 15

14.What makes you laugh no matter what?

babies and clumsiness 18

clumsiness 17 people falling down 16 people falling down 15

15.Who was the last person you talked to?

the last person i talked to was my dad and the last person ive been texting is craig 18

the last person I talked to was Craig, over text, Craig, over snapchat text, Derek 17 Elena Penedo (same as last year) or if texting counts then Craig 16 Elena Penedo 15

16.Do you get butterflies around the person you like?

yes if its been a while.... 18

yes 17 still do :) 16 yup :) 15

17.Will you get married?

I hope so not anytime soon though 18

Im not really sure, i hope but im scared 17 i hope so with the person im with 16 i sure hope so, as long as im happy doing it 15

18.When was the last time you smiled?

like 30 minutes ago talking to my dad 18

about an hour ago i think 17 right now watching gossip girl 16 right now reading question 14 2015

19.Does anyone like you?

yes he loves me so much and i love him 18

yes, he loves me a lot 17 yes very much :) 16 maybe, but I dont think they want anything serious (derek) i never really ever know 15

20.Do you secretly like someone?

no i dont think so 18

yes. 17 yeah but its not a secret 16 not necessarily, kind of 15

21.Who was the first person you talked to today?

craig on the phone 18

Craig in bed this morning 17 my friend Natalie in class today 16 Madison Westbrook my roommate 15

22.Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? My mom, my therapist, craig 18

my mom, alex or craig 17 Craig Boland 16 my mom or alex 15

23.What are you NOT looking forward to?

work ugh 18

Work tomorrow 17 working on my finance project tomorrow 16 a spanish presentation in the next week 15

24.What ARE you looking forward to?

work tomorrow which is odd haha 18

hoping the feeling i have now goes away 17 seeing craig tomorrow 16 round up this weekend and the acacia mixer tonight 15

25.Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you, and meant it?

yes 18

yes 17 yes 16 yeah 15

26.Suppose you see your ex kissing another person what would you do?

nothing 18

leave it 17 leave it alone, they’re my ex for a reason 16 confront them and talk it out 15

27.Do you plan on moving out within the next year?

hopefully not 18

no, im already out and living alone. i like my living situation 17 yes, im gonna live with alex 16 im already out, but not from where i live now 15

28.Are you a forgiving person?

Yes i try to be 18

Yes its healthy 17 yeah, my downfall 16 very much so 15

29.How many TRUE friends do you have?

4? 18

4 17 2 16 3 tops 15

30.Do you fall for people easily?

no 18

i dont think so 17 not really 16 kind of 15

31.Have you ever fallen for your ex’s best friend?

no 18

no 17 no. 16 nope 15

32.What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?

food :) 18

food 17

food 16 my camelbak 15

33.Who was the last person you drove with?

Bobbi Hendricks 18

Craig boland 17 craig boland 16 alex brown 15

34.How late did you stay up last night and why?

2:45am talking to craig about religion 18

2am picking up dudney and smoking and drinking and messaging 17 1:30 watching tv 16 330 bc i was studying 15

35.If you could move somewhere else, would you?

nowhere 18

not at this time 17 no 16 nope 15

36.Who was the last person you took a picture of?

Craig at white sands 18

Craig boland and nick san roman 17 Craig Boland 16 Johnny Jones 15

37.Can you live a day without TV?

yes but i dont want to :) 18

yeah 17 yes 16 absolutely 15

38.When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?

a couple days ago at my first day back from work 18

like two days ago 17 a couple days ago 16 a couple weeks ago 15

39.Three names you go by…

Kenni, whackiest goober, whackiest ole (craig) kendy (trina) 18

Kendall, Kendy which trina calls me  Craig calls me lady m, little whacky, berry, globsta 17 Kendall and Craig calls me little jackson/johnson and jimmy jop 16 Kendall thats it 15

40.Are you currently in a relationship?

yes 18

yes 17 yeah :) 16 nope 15

41.What is your all-time favorite romance movie?

i’m not really sure maybe 500 days of summer still 18

500 days of summer 17 probably endless love still 16 endless love 15

42.Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?

no 18

no 17 nah 16 no 15

43.What’s your current problem?

anxiety and depression mostly dealing with the issues from the abuse which is why im going into therapy 18

anxiety and depression, adjusting to promotion, figuring out my feelings 17 anxiety/depression, finding a job, graduation 16 anxiety 15

44.Have you ever had your heart broken?

hell ya 18

oh yes 17 yeah 16 yes 15

45.Your thoughts of long distance relationship?

dont do it unless you absolutely have to 18

don’t do it but if i must, then sure for the right person 17 hell no, unless you know its real 16 dont do it 15

46.How many kids do you want to have?

2 or 3 18

2-3 17 3-4 16 4 tops 15

47.Have you ever found it hard to tell someone you like theM?

yeah im sure but not now 18

no 17 of course but not lately 16 yeah its been a while since ive had to do that 15