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i have to tell you by Dorothea Grossman

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Ruth Awad, "Reasons to Live"

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(8/12)

am out having staycation with the whole family. was excited to see my niece who was quiet and shy. she gave me stickers and sits very quietly as i showed her my journals and suggested her to make one for herself. talks even quieter than before. i asked if school is fun and she said yes shyly. shes just like you. i hope youre okay.

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(31/12) its the last day of the year! how are you? you've been to places this year haven't you? (the place with the tub looks cozy.) i always wonder what you're doing and while i now have a way of knowing how you are, i still think of you time to time. whether you're eating well. whether you're getting hot chocolate when your period comes. whether you're talking to someone.

earlier today i was looking through the old journals i gone through during the time i was with you. i recorded a lot moments where my emotions swallowed me whole—all intense and overwhelming—both sad and happy. today last year i was musing on how i was always proud of you; of the you that i never met before dawara, the you that was with me, and the you in the future. that if given the chance i would hug you for being someone who preservere despite the grief, and that i never did deserve a love that is as beautiful as yours any way.

today this year, after some distance and some reflecting, i still think its true to some extent. i never really change how i think of you despite all the things that happened—you're still someone that i regard highly. the kind of love that only comes in a lifetime to change me as a person. our relationship wasnt perfect in any means (gak perfectnya juga garagara aku yang bego), but i love you the whole time! not a lot of people can say that, i learned, and it makes me feel like i appreciate you a lot more as a person. i hope you appreciate yourself a lot more this year.

did you like once upon a broken heart? was it a fun escapism? the translation is a bit stiff tho isnt it? but perbendaharaan katanya lumayan dan bagus. i hope you read a lot of good books and meet new people that you understand and understands you this year. makes me sad to hear you find people who speaks differently (which is quite a normal occurence, actually. dont feel bad okay?).

to update you; last month has been a whirlwind. my house is quite hectic because i lost my uncle at 8th of december. things hasnt really been the same since, but we're trying to get by. somehow i made a couple of new friends. i got cut off by a few. went to film screening and a christmas dinner. i got a new cat, shes pregnant (and shes not getting along with yayat at all). but i'm still here, somehow. i read a lot. (did you like once upon a broken heart?) i think of you. (im trying to not look at your accounts so much). i think of you. (i dont think im healed yet, but im on my way there). i think of you still. (its okay. ill take my time.)

i sincerely wish you have a good year this 2025! and i hope this year is a good one for you and your family.

also p.s.,

you look good no matter what you wear. bright brown/yellow contact lens makes your eyes pop. might i suggest dark blue or purple kayak rafayel next time?

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(29/11)

i saw your tweet and i debated for an hour until i finally gave in and log on to that account. im sorry i read all of it. did such a good job with the park... i love the butterflies, though i feel undeserving that you still think of me fondly. i still do too, even if i always think im not supposed to and you wont like it. despite everything you always do things well, ai. with or without me. you will always shine bright in your path, i believe it. semoga bisa dipanggil ppg nanti.

belakangan ini my focus goes to trying to survive and take care of my family financially. i might be neurodivergent (search for pda autism) or i might have severe trauma response. i reread the secret history and loved it. im reading the goldfinch and loving it. im making my way through your book. everytime i see your annotations i still cry so its taking a while. i never seen anyone write like a.s. king though. i havent written anything since you left, but ill take my time. i hope my words find their way back to me sooner or later.

i never hated you for cutting me off. and i never will. i was crushed, but i agree that its for the best. i dont always understand, but i never hate you for it, nd i never will. i wont throw away the necklace. i wont forget you. i still think about you highly. i still speak of you with love to my friends. you will always be someone that is so important and pivotal to me. you will always be in my heart. you will always be in my heart. you will always be in my heart.

i believe in you. i love you. please be well. my account is open for you always. i promise gabakalan sering aku buka, so you wont have to feel embarassed.

Ps. Foto kamu cantik banget tapi gaberani liat lama lama. (Gabisa juga soalnya aku langsung nangis)

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(25/10)

why am i so scared this is fucking stupid... YOURE not scared. why cant i be more like you...

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(25/10)

i've been neglecting this tumblr account. dan sampai detik ini aku nggak yakin apa nulis disini lagi adalah keputusan yang bijak. i hope you forgive me still.

anyway. aku nulis ini di solo. i arrived here this morning, just 5 minutes before gladibersih untuk wisuda dimulai. i'm graduating tomorrow, can you believe it ai? and i didnt plan for it as well. one day admin jurusan just asked me to complete some documents and suddenly i'm registered as a participant for the october graduation, only 10 days before the date. i tried to negotiate-- saying that i could probably join the november one, since financially its a bit hard for me to go, but of course it didn't go through. and somehow, with almost zero money, me and my dad left for solo last night. i attended gladibersih today, rawdogging it with just coffee and no breakfast, only for my mood to plummet in the afternoon, drained and hungry out of my wits.

my campus became so pretty after i left, by the way. they fixed the small woody pathways and pave it with some cornblocks and made a pretty open space. they fixed the canteen into something that resembles a food court. somehow the sun falls on it just the right way. the sun always falls on things prettily here at my campus, at certain hours. the flowers have fallen at the beginning of the months tho, it seems. its not raining flowers anymore, but there are some on the ground- all yellow.

it saddens me that i couldnt show you- the sun doesnt translate well in pictures, and (unfortunately, completely devastatingly) you're not in my picture anymore. and you could argue that you couldve been in it if i only ask, but do you really want to risk another goodbye for that? do we want that?

i missed you though. that didn't change. i hope your day is nice still, and always.

ps. you always look so pretty. always so beautiful with the pinkest cheeks. you dont need me to tell you that. youre always beautiful even when you yourself dont believe so.

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Vladimir Mayakovsky, from a letter featured in "Love in the Heart of Everything; The Correspondence between Vladimir Mayakovsky & Lili Brik, 1915-1930,"

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(24/11) good morning. i hope you have a safe space to rest a little bit when your tummy lagi sakit banget. pms ya... mau dapet ya... atau udah... either way i hope youre doing okay, ada obatnya, dan boleh takes some time off buat istirahat. theres nothing really specific that i want to tell you since we talk again as dawarka (i honestly still cant fully wrap my head around it), but i want to let you know that lately i'm finding more energy in living again. maybe you know. maybe it shows. just two days ago masih nangis-nangis sih but progress is not linear, but i think i can slowly hope that everything will be okay. a few days ago i cried buckets when i heard that God is more merciful to you that you are to you from this ((religious)) podcast about making duas, and i think i can slowly believe in that. thats what i keep reminding myself. and you are too, right? i think you're more forgiving to me than i am for myself. i did tell you about that vampire book earlier, and maybe you can read it between the lines on why i gravitate towards the book. i just realized when i finished it that maybe i have more resemblance to lydia the vampire than i thought i am; with her very minor selfh//arms (choosing to commute in a lesser state trains, choosing to eat blood that has already turned into powder that taste and doesnt even feel like blood, letting herself become a target of s///ex//ual ha//rrass//ment). but maybe just like lydia im slowly allowing myself to do the things that i enjoy and makes me feel better (crayons, making beads, writing for myself, buying you chocolate). thank you for forgiving me even when i dont deserve it. its what i hold on to. i hope... i hope you can find whatever you need in other places other than me, but me, too. whatever you find in me, i hope it helps and will be good for you.

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(21/11) kenapa ya hari ini kayak roller coaster banget... gak aku, gak kamu. kayaknya badan kamu kecapekan banget karena tadi muntah-muntah jadi sekarang lagi tidur. semoga kamu enggak kebangun dini hari... kalo kebangun semoga bisa tidur lagi. aku disini baca-bacain chat lama, sesekali checking if you replied (its weird, notifnya enggak popped up di notif bar. aku clear cache dan clear data berkali-kali tapi gak masuk terus, makanya aku telat-telat balesnya). aku hampir kelepasan manggil kamu ai berkali-kali but i stopped myself everytime... tapi kayaknya gak manggil pun tadi ngobrolnya sama ai bukan dawara ya. i hope you dont mind... aku kangen banget deh... kadang ada momen-momen dimana aku pengen spam stiker kita yang biasa itu tapi terus i got a reality slap and realize kita lagi ngomong di twitter yang gaada stikernya. funny how we came from that to this... im not complaining sih. aku ngobrol sama kamu setiap hari aja rasanya masih kayak lagi mimpi :( i dont know how act a lot of the times still... KENAPA YA JADI NGOMONGIN AKU PAS KAMU LAGI SAKIT. which reminds me gimana eh tadi sempet searching yang tau-tau pusing terus muntah masa katanya itu gejala jantung??? T____ T ai kamu apa nggak mau cek ke puskesmas... atau halodoc minimal... beli omenya... tapi ini kenapa ya bisa tau-tau pusing and muntah violently. awalnya kirain vertigo... did something happened before? did talking to me make things worse because you keep trying to ngalah for me...

ngomong-ngomong aku tadi nangis dikirimin makan. makasih... i feel terrible karena aku ngerasanya ngerepotin... ai jadi keluar duit di tanggal tua im so sorry T ___ T tapi aku juga seneng banget.... makasih... i ate well... will eat again habis ini.... cuman kenapa ya itu ada tulisan sushi moriawase bikin gagal move on??? gimana caranya ngasih tau hokben kalo im still at the restaurant im sitting on the corner i haunt cross legged in the dim light they say what a sad sight??? kalo mau restorannya dibangkrutin bilang aja gausah nyindir???? bete???????

aduh maaf stream of consciousness banget i have no coherent thoughts really maaf banget tapi aku sayang kamu aku kangen... tapi aku seneng kamu lagi istirahat dan bisa bobo. bobo nyenyak ya... izin besok jangan lupa!

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(20/11) I feel like my heart is keremes everytime you say things like this because I know. I know, I feel it. I'm thankful. I'm so grateful, and I want to repay that as much as I can, because I love you too and I want you to be loved as much as you love too. But I'm scared you dont spare that for yourself. I'm scared for the time when I dont have the capacity to love as much because my love wanes and surges like the tides you'll be left with nothing, and you crashes again, and I wouldnt know what to do. Kayak yang udah udah. Maaf kalau sayangku nggak kayak kamu soalnya emang iya tapi aku tuh sayang... sayang banget... in my ways. In all the ways. But what if I dont have enough? What then?

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(19/11) hi. hari ini kamu cantik banget. rambutnya udah panjang lagi ya... rambut ai panjangnya cepet. cantik. cantik banget... pasti wangi... how was going out today? i hope you had fun walaupun sempet uek sedikit... restock obatnya ya ai, jangan lupa. katanya mau beli.

i had fun. akhirnya nyobain seirockya dan mampir ke bookstores. i found the oxford quran di periplus but i need to wait for gajian. tadi bandingin translation quran bahasa indonesia di gramed, tapi kok jadi ngga mau beli baru ya. aku bandingin sama yang di rumah kayaknya nggak kenapanapa. it might just be me ngga biasa baca quran aja kali. but i immediately got exhausted jadi pas pulang aku cuman boboan, bersih bersih, boboan, makan roti, boboan lagi. sorry for the late replies also. :( its not that i dont want to talk to you, aku loadingnya lagi lama. i hope its fine. its nothing to do with you. please keep talking to me.

theres a butterfly in my room dari siang. warnanya putih dan kecil. siang tadi jendelanya dibuka, tapi kirain pas aku pergi dia udah keluar. ternyata belum. sekarang dia ngumpet di balik-balik meja. dia kok bisa ya nyampe sini... dia pengen keluar ngga ya... kamu liat kupu kupu ngga?

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(18/11) good evening! hi clingy baby. udah kebayar belum keselnya yang semalem lewat bobo siang? you slept quite soundly (walaupun habis itu whiny pas aku kerja lagi). hari ini aku bangun with some energy sih ngga kayak hari hari sebelumnya yang bangun pagi gemeteran dan nangis... so its okay walau aku kerja. aku lagi mam sate padang, ganti-gantian bales dm kamu sambil baca buku a woman, eating - claire kohda. i picked this book up on a whim karena thw cover reminds me of this specific hueningkai gif that i like, but somehow... the character... resonates.

the character is a vampire, and she had a complicated relationship with her mother. by complicated i mean dia ngga pernah dibolehin makan darah apa-apa selain darah babi, because her mother genuinely believes that they have a demon inside them. and thats what they deserve. eventually, she left her mother in a nursing home while she tries to have a separate life by herself on the other side of the city. theres this one part where she came back from the nursing home after visiting her mother, where she chose to take a train thats in a lesser state than the cleaner, nicer, faster train she used to take. she does this because in a way, while its not like she doesnt deserve the nicer train, it feels like she deserves the longer, more uncomfortable journey in a dirtier old train. like a type of a really minor self harm. its a small passage but i keep coming back to it. i took a picture of it and stared at it longer than i should. theres also a character named ye-ye. i feel like the book found me by chance but decides its going to stay by me longer.

anyway. bentar lagi sate padangku habis. sebentar ya. ill get back to you in a jiffy.

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(17/11) good morning. i think you're getting ready for your day right now. aku habis update dan ngejurnal sambil denger podcast about lessening your screen time and learn how to be bored. i dont feel well, but when did i ever lately? please take care of yourself. beneran. do more things that nurtures and enriches your life. retain new, useful knowledges. take care of yourself. take care of yourself.

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(16/11) hey, i guess youre in school already. i hope agendanya semua lancar ya. you did say harus berangkat lebih pagi dan lebih sibuk, so i did expect less communication— but its still jarring, kind of, after talking a lot. my mind doesnt really help since it has taken a liking to over overthink lately. but i really do hope everything goes well, whatever youre doing today. you work really hard lately. please remenber to take small breaks.

i didnt have the strength to write this or anything yesterday, consumed with so much blue. there are no words that reaches me, but i tried. i opened google docs trying to relearn some words, to tell you about my day, but it just makes me feel like a fraud. how could i write a lot of things and be wordless now? maybe i am just not meant to write. just like i am not meant to be in relationships. but maybe, all these are just a part of the voice that only comes when my ups and downs are really severe. i try not to think about it. i wrote on my journal in the end, but jelek juga kata-katanya.

im reading this book about a mixed race vampire who is trying to find balance her deep seated desire tonlive along humans with inecessant hunger. all vibes no plots just a woman being hungry. maybe im hungry too. im alsontrying to find a balance. my friend told me im very tired because grieving means youre in survival mode all the time. i think thats too nice of her to say that.

cape ga sih baca aku isinya ngeluh? imngonna stop now, you know where to find me.

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(14/11) i think you fell asleep. we talked about being tired today, i hope we can rest well so the exhaustion lessens. to be honest its still kinda weird to talk to you directly (as someone else sih, but still its you on the other end)... tapi weirdnya lebih ke kayak. ini beneran boleh ngobrol? gapapa ngobrol begini? are you okay talking to me? you said the pain gets better but somehow i keep stabbing the wound, but does the talking help or does it make it more painful? but im happy. i do. its relieving, i feel giddy seeing you on my notifs again. im just not sure how to act sometimes.

im writing this because sleep hasnt come to me, but i can see it on its way to me. its raining, but very lightly. im thinking of you. bantalku wangi kamu. i kinda want to cry again, just a little.