foreveragaijin-blog

[foreveragaijin-blog]

#MaybeHeDoesntHitYou but one of the last nights you ever saw this fucker... you were both at a bar, he claims you are “angry” and had an “angry face” and that you slammed your glass on the counter because you were “angry”. But really, you were just a bit drunk and you are clumsy (which he made sure to tell you all the time how fucking clumsy you were). He proceeded to throw his glass on the ground at your foot. It shattered. You ran outside. You sat on a bench. His friend came rushing out to protect you. He came out raging and pushed you where you were sitting. You began to sob. You just wanted to enjoy one of your last nights there. His friend blocks you from being pushed and attacked again. That was not the end of that night, unfortunately...

[foreveragaijin-blog]

#MaybeHeDoesntHitYou but after strangling you for the third time and pushing you into a closet, he instead makes YOU console HIM after and he begins to cry. He claims he will commit suicide if you break up. But you knew that wasn’t true, and you told him. Because we both knew he is too selfish to kill himself. 

[foreveragaijin-blog]

#MaybeHeDoesntHitYou but he ruined your birthday. He threw your birthday present out the window of his car and proceeded to make you feel like everything you do is wrong and everything is your fault. He wouldn’t let you leave to go see your friends who planned a birthday party. He guilt tripped you into not going, but you knew either decision you made the outcome of his actions would be the same. You were also under so much stress that you were sick with bronchitis without even knowing until later. 

[foreveragaijin-blog]

#MaybeHeDoesntHitYou but he forces you to sleep in separate rooms of the same apartment and also you are sleeping like a dog on three camping pads, because you wouldn’t buy the same highly expensive mattress as him (he had a full size) because in your head you were in fight or flight mode and knew you were going to escape... just didn’t know how or when. 

[foreveragaijin-blog]

#MaybeHeDoesntHitYou but when you go to buy your favorite conditioner, he tells you... you can’t buy it... because he “doesn’t like too many bottles in the shower”. There were 4 bottles (some small) in the shower before and he proceeded to buy 2 more. 

[foreveragaijin-blog]

the bad japanese

...days when genuine friendliness was looked at as something bad by them. some people thinking in this bad way, I felt disgusted and offended. it was at this point i realized no one knew ME at all. it was from this point on I realized I couldn't expect anyone to be such a good and close friend to me only after a few months, but i treated them as that. i was thinking that they were my close friends. it was stupid of me to think that i could trust people and ask them for help when i had no one else to talk to or get help from. it was at this point that i realized i need to leave, get the fuck out of this place, i have overstayed my time here. that is the one thing i did not like - the genuine facade and unkindness behind the “kind” faces of most of these people. i hope there are more people who think with an open mind in the future in Japan.

I think i was looking for someone to save me. But it took me all those bad remarks, to realize that no matter how much I wanted someone to save me... no one could save me. Only I could save myself from what was happening in my life. Only I could change it. It took me a while, but I finally did it. Now i'm finally myself again and I wish many people in Asahikawa saw the real me and not the crying, sad, hurt me. But yes, there were moments. Moments when they did see the real me. 

It is embarrassing my last night in Sapporo, many people had to witness the monster that i had been dealing with for months. K.O. drunk and angry. why? i'm still not sure. he thinks i slammed my glass down, he will never believe me when i told him i didn't even realize and i'm pretty drunk.. not mad at all. just clumsy and inebriated. even when i tell him i'm not mad, he still doesn't believe me and tries to CONVINCE ME that i am actually mad. Convince myself that I’m angry... what the fuck? I wasn’t angry... but you can’t argue/convince a psychopath like him. I keep saying it was a mistake, please stop. but he doesn't. he literally threw his glass on the floor.. pieces of it hit my foot. at this point i knew i needed to get out. i ran out of the bar and sat on the bench outside, his friend came out after me and tried to console me. everyone in the bar saw. but then K.O. stormed out and came over to me where i was sitting on the bench, and pushed me. while i was sitting down. he starts yelling at me. it's all a blur now. i start crying. one friend is holding him back from me, while his other is consoling me. both yelled to him - tomorrow she is going home! dame. dame. dame. だめ。だめ。stop. but he didn't stop. thankfully his friends were there… because when i was standing up he tried to attack me again by pushing me again, but this time he knew he couldn't strangle me in front of his friends. thankfully Akira stepped in front of me and blocked me. i was so happy but so sad. happy that FINALLY someone close to him saw the real him, saw how much of an abusive psychopath he actually is, and sad because i just wanted to have one goddamn good night. and every time i just wanted to have a good time… he fucking ruined it. everytime. my birthday. valentine's day. every fucking time. the worst part about this night, is that i had to go with K.O. after all of this, because I had all my baggage in his camper. I wanted to contact my friends and be with them instead and say goodbye, but i couldn’t. 

He woke up just as aggressive and angry and with a crazy look in his eyes as the night before. I remember this clearly. How scared I felt, my heart beating so fast. Wondering what he would do to me there. He started yelling at me, saying it’s my fault that he looked so terrible in front of his friends. It was all my fault apparently! Lovely. This is when he said to me, “I just wanted to beat you up last night.” I wanted to get the fuck out of his car, right then. I couldn’t believe it. He ended up kicked me out of his car, telling me to walk to the train station and take all my stuff with me. I hurried as fast as I could to get everything and got out of his car. I said to him, the very least you could do for me is to take me to the train station. For some reason, he completely flipped and told me I can get back in the car... and for some stupid reason, I did. He took me to the station, I told him I was meeting a friend for coffee. He told me he’d be back to pick me up in one hour and he would take me to the airport. I started to take my stuff with me into the train station, and he told me to leave it. I know this is all so fucked up, but I knew if I said no, he would know that I wasn’t coming back, and I didn’t want him to know. I knew if I denied his ride to the airport, he would drive away without me being able to get my things. 

[foreveragaijin-blog]

going back - january 2015

when you picked me up at the sapporo airport the day i got back to japan.

i remember it well. i remember i asked you if you could please pick me up, i couldn't wait to see you as it had been at least 4 months since i saw you last.

i remember you put up a fuss and whined saying you didn't want to pick me up. you acted as if i was just another hassle to pick your girlfriend whom you haven't seen in months, up in your own country at an airport an hour away from the city you lived in. i think i must have convinced you of how absolutely ridiculous you were being, because you decided to come pick me up.  

as i was waiting outside at the pickup station for you, i kept looking out for your camping car. i didn't really know how i felt at that point… i remember feeling nervous… nervous about how you would be when we met again, nervous if we would kiss again, if you had any feelings for me still… i was also excited to see you a lot. i remember some anger… why would you already be treating me like this before i've even made it to you.

i saw your camper pull up and i became instantly happy, everything was forgotten. you ran out of the car, i thought to kiss me… but actually you told me you had to pee and continued running into the airport. you acted a bit different on that car ride back to sapporo.. we were strangers again, but also lovers. we were getting used to seeing each other again. you took me to our favorite soup curry restaurant in sapporo. it was amazing and just as i had remembered from the year before. i was happy.

[foreveragaijin-blog]

When the Bird abused me, I was angry. I have Italian blood. I wouldn't show it, but I had revenge written all over my heart where he couldn't see it. It wasn't the pain, it was the humiliation. Who likes to be humiliated? You feel like a nobody. I'm a survivor and I wouldn't give up, but I hated the Bird even more than I hated sharks. I would never say Oh, well, the shark's only hungry. Oh well, the Bird is just doing his job. No. Anything that's trying to kill you is your enemy.

Louis Zamperini - Don’t Give Up, Don’t Give In 

[foreveragaijin-blog]

thanksgiving

There are thousands of things that I am thankful for this year. But, there is a specific string of events that make me the most thankful. 

It all leads up to how I got out... and I don’t think I would have if it weren’t for all of these events that all happened to align perfectly. 

A friend of mine from university posted an article about the cycle of an abuser/abusive relationship on her Facebook. I did not realize the severity of the relationship I was in and I did not realize that I had been taking a mental beating as well for the past year. I always thought abuse was physical only. Well once the physical started happening to me, THAT was when my internal system was in the whole fight or flight mode. That was when I realized.. okay... this boy has been breaking me down and saying really terrible things to me that make me feel like I want to be dead. At the point in time when I read that article, I realized that we were back in the “honeymoon stage” but something bad was bound to happen again soon. I became paranoid. I knew I needed to get out. But I kept going around in circles, making phone calls, messaging people. 

I messaged V - who posted that article... I wrote her paragraphs and paragraphs of what had been going on, what he did to me, what he had said to me. I could get her honest insight. She miraculously told me she was coming to Japan, to Tokyo for a month... where her family now lived on one of the bases. I went to Tokyo and saw her in July to get away from K.O. for a bit, and clear my head, and figure out how to leave him. I thought I was ready... but when I went back to my house with him... I was stuck again. I talked to V again later and asked her if I could ship my big stuff to her house in Tokyo, so that way I could leave at a moments notice. 

He physically attacked me in the streets during a matsuri summer festival. I told the cafe owner... please watch out for me tonight.. I have a bad feeling about tonight. Of course, as soon as the cafe owner left.. is when it happened. I almost left him the next morning... but then we had a great talk. A human talk.. first time I had seen such a human side of him. About a week after this... I was in the middle of packing up some stuff, but then I actually put it all away and took a phone call. As I was on the phone, the door to our apartment opened and he came storming in... all emotional, angry, crying, throwing things. I hugged him and sat down with him, he had quit his job. (After ALLL the absolute SHIT he had given me for quitting my job and me telling him it’s because of him because he began physically abusing me - WHICH HE STILL COULD NOT UNDERSTAND.) This is where number 3 comes in - the most important of them all... about four days after he quit his job, I woke up early morning to a lot of his things GONE. I freaked out... the idea of someone abandoning me in such a surprising way is one of my.. i guess fears (which is funny, because i kind of did this to him). I ran outside stupidly even though I knew his car wouldn’t be there. I went back inside and there was a note left for me on the table. It said, “Going on bike trip for a few days. Hit u up later. - K” How the fuck did I not hear him moving his bike out.. all this stuff?! I halfway jokingly wondered if he’d drugged me. After my initial panicking, I realized.. this is it. This is my time. I took the next two days and packed up most of my stuff, had to make some sacrifices. I will never forget, the day I was going to ship my stuff to Tokyo there was a huge thunderstorm.. I couldn’t leave the house. I became very panicky and paranoid and filled with anxiety during this whole time. I couldn’t speak to anyone about me leaving. People could tell I was not okay. I couldn’t even say goodbye to some of them. It made me sad, embarrassed, and ashamed that someone could do this to me and this would be the way that I leave a place that I love. The sky became sunny again, my packing was finished, and by an act of God I had managed to ship my stuff to Tokyo without anyone finding out. I went to the offices in my city and told them I would not be returning.. I think they might have guessed what was going on from the look on my face and also me making sure that they would not send any mail to that apartment. 

There is a lot more to the end of this story than this.. but this is where I’ll leave it for now. Just.. now.. I realize that this was truly a miracle and that someone, maybe a spirit of sorts was looking after me and guiding me. I am so thankful for whatever that was and for my friend V, because here I am. Alive. Safe. Relatively okay.  

If I hadn’t have seen V’s article she posted, I probably would not have messaged her, in turn I would not have found out that she would be in Tokyo and that her family is living there. If K.O. had not quit his job, if he had not decided to leave for that trip, I would not have packed up and shipped my stuff to Tokyo, I would not have boughten a plane ticket to Tokyo to go to V’s house, I would not have made it out as safely as I did. 

[foreveragaijin-blog]

stay away from people who point out your pimples, tell you you’re fat and you have a “muffin-top” when you are actually skinny and athletic, who ask you if you shower everyday, who can’t handle your snoring (especially when sick) and wake you up at 3am screaming and swearing at you telling you that you sound like a broken vacuum cleaner. stay away from people who tell you they don’t believe that you can do something, who point out every time you drop something, who has you living on edge 24/7. stay away from someone who constantly loves to tear you down, just to tell you when you’re at your maximum limit that they “NEED YOU”. 

[foreveragaijin-blog]

I never celebrated my birthday this year.

Well... it was planned to. I went to see my friends about a week before my birthday in Sapporo. I told him what you did to me. I showed him the bruises. He was surprised and asked me a lot of questions. He said if it ever happened again to call him and he could come get me and my stuff. He and my other friend were the most important people there to me, so the fact that they offered to plan a birthday party for me on my actual birthday, meant a lot to me.  A day before that, I woke up to you swearing and screaming at me because (since I couldn’t breathe well from being sick) I was snoring. Those bruises came about five days before I met that friend in Sapporo. The bartender let me stay at his house while I escaped the wrath of K.O. for a couple of days, maybe he knew something was up. I didn’t tell you about my birthday plans because I was so mad you did this to me for the second or third time. Why would I even want to tell you?! So I didn’t. Sidenote: I was also fighting bronchitis... I couldn’t stop coughing for about a month.  Until about two days before my birthday. I told you my plans. You got mad at me for not telling you. You proceeded to throw a fit. Like a kid. Did you actually plan anything special for my birthday? No. To make things better I told you either you come with me to Sapporo for my birthday party (which would have been fun) or I can just stay home. Remember, I was not in healthy shape also. Even after that negotiation you weren’t satisfied. So, we go out for my birthday for dinner. On the way there you start arguing with me about why I didn’t tell you my plans. I told you it’s because of what you did to me not even a week ago. You just got even angrier, because that is my truth and you couldn’t even accept it. You can’t even see what you have done to me. 

You pull over and decide we go to the shittiest chain of restaurants in Japan, “Bikkuri Donki”. Then you start arguing with me again, making me cry, we are still in your car. Making me feel fucking guilty for not telling you MY PLANS. You proceeded to take the birthday present you had gotten me and throw it far out the window of your car. I was sobbing... I fucking hated this, I hated being with him, I hated him, I hated how he always threw shit when he was angry, I hated that I was stuck, I hated that I cried so much, I hated that THIS was my birthday. I hated that he was isolating me from seeing the people I wanted to see. I ran out of the car, kept the door open because I was afraid he was going to drive away, and I got my present out in the middle of the parking lot. We did end up eating at “Bikkuri Donki” for my birthday dinner and it was fucking miserable. We get back to our apartment, and he proceeded to leave. I opened my birthday presents he got me. They were Japanese kids books. I liked them. But it didn’t make me feel good.  I didn’t go see my friends in Sapporo, mainly because of how I was feeling health-wise and also because K.O. guilt tripped the fuck out of me and I think I was afraid of my consequences of if I went. I didn’t receive any presents from my family because they didn’t even know my address in Japan, and also I didn’t tell them anything that was going on in these past couple weeks. I didn’t really want to even have this birthday this year, because inside I was dying.  ----------------------------------------------------------- Back to right now... a few nights ago, I received a going away gift from a friend. Another friend told me that this person had feelings for me. But, I’ve been going through a lot within myself and how I see people and the world is completely different than how I was before. I am not interested in jumping into something so serious right now because I feel incapable, I’m not back to myself yet. Anyway, I open the card and there is money in it... he told me to use it for my drive out. I was completely surprised. As I was reading what he wrote to me, I started to cry. It was the nicest and most genuine thing anyone has ever done for me. I started to remember the few times that I’ve cried because I was happy... when after my parents got divorced and I was so depressed, my mom came home with a random box.. and in that box was the cutest black and white cat. The time when I stepped off the airplane in my hometown in America after leaving K.O. and Japan behind, and I was running through the airport crying and couldn’t wait to see my mother, because I was finally home and finally free and safe.

[foreveragaijin-blog]

happy fucking birthday

i forgot it was your birthday yesterday. i don’t know whether to laugh about the fact that i 100% forgot or if i should feel sad. yesterday, really randomly i had feelings of missing you... maybe i unconsciously knew? 

but i don’t miss you, per say, what i miss is not your true self. i miss your fake self the one who would lie to me by being happy, who would tell me nice things, who would be a straight up normal nice boyfriend to me, the one that would always take a phone call from your friends but never from me, the one in PUBLIC, your “public self”.  you posted on your well-kept secret (not) Twitter account, “escaping reality is a fine skill”. you are the master of escaping reality, it’s sad this whole time you have been living in your own mind and whatever you think is real is YOUR reality... which is not the TRUE reality. you are not living in reality at all. it’s sad for you. it’s sad that you told me you would never put a picture of us together on your social media because your social media is for your “ski business”... (absolute bullshit). if anyone took a look at your Twitter or all the “fucked up” drunk photos of you on Instagram, which is worse? a picture of your girlfriend or those? apparently to you, a picture of me was worse than anything. your delusional mind is constantly at work once again, and I had no words to respond to your delusional mind at that time. because it is IMPOSSIBLE to even attempt to argue what is reality and when something is fucked up, when someone is so far stuck in their own mind. i am happy i can live with choosing my favorite conditioner to put in the shower because i am not being told that “I don’t like too many bottles in the shower” and then you go and buy 2 more. It was all just a game. All a mind game K.O. You are sick and twisted and you are actually proud of that. Which is disgusting. You sought so hard to control every little aspect of my life, my well-being, my things. Now that I don’t respond to you and your threats from 16,000 miles away, you are sad. You are a sad little man, you are sad that you don’t have a victim anymore and maybe all you are doing is running your mouth and telling lies about me. That’s fine, let people believe what they want. Everyone knows they can’t trust you.  You said you are starting “new life” on your birthday. But, from what I’ve seen you are incapable of changing. You have such deep seeded issues that you refuse to address.. those will haunt you for the rest of your life.. as they already have. It’s all just an act. And everyone will catch on to your bullshit once again... as some already have. So with this, I wish you a happy birthday and congratulations on making it to your quarter life crisis. You always tell me you wanted to die young like Curt Kobain, Jimi Hendrix, and the likes... but you aren’t good enough to die young like they did. Though, you do still have 2 more years so there’s still a chance to join the 27 club. I know that your mom is still buying you everything you call her up to ask her for, so what I wish for you for your birthday is to one day stop mooching off of other people and finally have your mother stop spoiling you, because this is part of the reason you are an abuser and a user and a loser. I’m sorry I can’t send you a Polerstuff sleeping bag thing, I know I said I would, but no. Can’t. Happy Birthday K.O. time to grow up.

[foreveragaijin-blog]

Since today is the last day of October, technically that means that today is the last day of Domestic Violence Awareness month. My friend and I produced and shot this image. I came up with the concept because it is so personal to my own experience. 

I was a “foreigner” not in my own country when I was strangled on four separate occasions by my then boyfriend. One of those times was in public, on the street. I bruise easily anyway, but this was very painful. My neck would hurt for a few days after and every time there were bruises. I will tell my story of how I did it aka how I got out, later. For now, I will tell you that this quote was what my then boyfriend said to me just one day before I left. I could not believe he said this and when I heard it... I was in another state of shock... my heart was racing, my mind was running.. this is so fucked up was what I was thinking. I don’t want to be fucking defined by this. This absolute bullshit nonsense. He even told me he couldn’t even remember why he did it the first time. There was never a reason... it just happened. I am a victim of domestic abuse. I don’t want to be... but I am. I never thought it would happen to me. But it did. Now it is a part of me, but I will not let it define who I am and who I will become.  This is my story.

Much love,

-D

[foreveragaijin-blog]

Dear Hiroko,

To my favorite hairdresser, who has passed away this past winter:

You. Were. Right.

I will never forget how after you met K.O. , you told me that he was “a no good”. He was weird, you said. He is not a normal Japanese man. You told me he had no respect. You told me I should stick with a nice American man and forget about him. This was in August of 2014. My heart is pounding out of my chest right now thinking about the days you spoke badly of him and how I chose to ignore your words. Even though I knew you were right deep down. SO FUCKING RIGHT. I miss you Hiroko. I wish I learned more about your very interesting life and wish I would have had a picture of me and you together. But I thank you for being a small part of my life.  Rest In Peace.  

[foreveragaijin-blog]

no woman no cry?

just told that all my friends in Japan... they aren’t my friends. and weren’t  ever my friends. because I am not Japanese. 

this is harsh. i think in a way this is correct... in a way. because my name was attached to someone else’s maybe that is why i was accepted so quickly into this small community. and of course they are going to continue to be “friends” with K.O. more than me. they have more of a past. now that i am away from that community... (which was another irrational yet truly a fear of mine and why i didn’t leave for such a long time) I was just a temporary blip in their worlds... I was worried people wouldn’t be my friends anymore after i left... which i have yet to figure out. and you know.. that’s fine. that’s reality. not everyone is meant to care. if any of my Japanese friends did message me or ask me how i’m doing or want to know the truth about why i had to leave... i would love to tell them. (and to be fair and honest, I would like to think that I do have some Japanese friends who are different from this writing) 

But it is definitely a wake up and reality check hearing that... because there is a a lot of truth to those words. I definitely continue to struggle with the part of their culture where real, true, raw feelings are not shown even though it is so easy to tell if they think badly or highly of you.

  When one Japanese friend tried to argue that Bob Marley’s song “No Woman No Cry” meant, “no girlfriend or boyfriend, no crying”... meaning just don’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend and there will be no crying. This actually pissed me off!! and for the first time I finally saw with my own eyes and realized how ABSOLUTELY FUCKED the way of Japanese thinking truly is. I tried to explain to my friend... Bob Marley is an icon that represented LOVE and PEACE!! When Bob Marley is saying “hey little sister, don’t shed no tears” and “everything’s gonna be alright”... this has no negative connotations. This is a SIMPLE song with a very SIMPLE message, a song of comfort, commitment, care. But my friend still tried to argue... and still could not understand. This is when I gave up, because it is literally hopeless and not worth any more energy.  In a typical Japanese person’s eyes this song is representing pain and looking DOWN on women... (which is normal anyway for their culture). How fucking sad. Here is an actual quote from someone I do now know from an article online talking about how the meaning of “No Woman No Cry” is “CONTROVERSIAL” in Japan... pshhhh. He writes: “Hmmm... I had always thought that he was saying that without a woman you'll have no tears, or, in other words women = pain and suffering...But then maybe i should re-listen to the song.” Maybe you shouldn’t re-listen to the song... because you will never understand it... is what I say. I just can’t. 

This is when the Japanese would say “shouganai”... or basically.. it can’t be changed so get the fuck over it. It’s just sad that a country who is so technologically advanced and beautiful, also is a place where you are taught to think one way... and one way only. The way they treat people (mainly women) is similar to those of a 3rd world country... with constant blatant sexism, racism, and god... you would think that such an advanced country boys are probably taught by their mothers not to hit women... then why is it a problem there? Why is this type of person who physically and mentally abuses women just casually called a “classic Japanese man”. No. no. NO. Fuck that. We do not live in the Shogun period of Japan... that’s done. If you have half a brain, you would question this thinking. But, in Japan.. there are so many stupid unspoken “rules”, such as not taking a shortcut by walking or biking through a parking lot. Quite honestly, I think it’s fucking stupid and that is why I think there are so many, many problems in Japan with the society, roles, mental issues, everything. Because no one will fucking talk about anything real. Even their own government... has done nothing but keep secrets and lie to them about the whole Fukushima nuclear shit. Innocent, naive people actually believed they could return to their homes, packed up minimal amount of stuff with the word from their government that they would be able to return to their homes “soon”. They can never return. And sometimes I feel like I should never return.   *sorry so ranty tonight. i should mention that there are just things that i can’t agree with or accept, but i still continue to respect the people and their culture. 

love, - D

[foreveragaijin-blog]

state of depression

The past few weeks I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I am now in a state of depression. Before leaving Japan... this was my reason why I refused myself to go home, because I didn’t want to feel this pain or depression again. I was scared to come back because of this. 

I don’t know why I thought it wouldn’t hit me when I actually got home. But then reality hit, and it’s back. I have never had a depression where I have felt so empty before. A year ago I was so bad that I would sit in the shower just to cry and wish that I was dead... but this depression is much, much different. It’s a total emptiness. I feel like incapable to do even the things that I love so much to do. Because I feel nothing. This is scaring me. 

[foreveragaijin-blog]

broke my spirit

you broke my soul. my spirit. my being.

i am trying to heal but it is hard when you literally feel nothing. i have had so much support from so many random people, friends, family... everyone tells me how much of a strong and brave woman I am. i am thankful for that. but i feel nothing. that’s how broken down i have been. it’s fucking sad. i want my old self back or at least some of it. even some of my passions in life when i do them... i still feel nothing. it scares me.  i broke down last night because my father asked me why aren’t i just forgetting about him. i told my father how angry i am. he tells me it’s not a good idea to harbor all that anger and hate towards K.O. because it will never get any better. he is right. but i told him, “Dad... you don’t know. you don’t know that i wasn’t even allowed to be mad. he wouldn’t let me be angry. even when he said the shittiest most terrible things to me, if i showed any signs of anger... he would freak the fuck out on me. do you know how that feels? not being allowed to feel something??” at this point i broke down into tears. in between tears i said, “i’m empty dad. i feel nothing. my spirit is gone. i don’t want to go anywhere. the jobs you sent me, i feel nothing. i feel nothing when i’m trying to edit my videos. i can’t even think about upgrading my camera system... because i can’t feel anything... i don’t see anything. i don’t see a point.”  my father came over to me and held me. he told me, “you need time. you just need time to heal. you need to heal more. i am sorry you are feeling like this now. just tell me what i should or shouldn’t say so i can help you. if i ever would see that boy i would kill him.” (many other people confessed that last sentence to me too)  i have told him many times how damaged i am... but finally i think he realized last night the extent of everything that K.O. has done to me. i was happy he finally saw my pain. strange to be happy over this... but he didn’t see 100% see my true pain before. i am happy he finally understands how deep this is. even though he’s made mistakes, i am happy to have a father in my life who loves me.