foreverflawless2215

[foreverflawless2215]

[foreverflawless2215]

“Saying yes to happiness means learning to say no to the people and things that stress you out.”

— Unknown

[foreverflawless2215]

“Stop telling yourself that the grass is greener on the other side, because it’s not. It is greener where you water it. So take control of your life and start watering your own pastures and grow your own greener.”

— knowanoah

[foreverflawless2215]

My first

My first memory wasn’t of my first Christmas or first birthday. My first memory was of a woman smacking me so hard because my tights didn’t fit my legs correctly. My first memory wasn’t of love wasn’t of peace or joy. It was another experience in my childhood, my first memory was trauma and neglect. I blocked out the good memories, I like to say I have one of my father on my fourth birthday, but he died two months later, nothing good came of my childhood. Nothing good came from the people who were in my life. The people who saw me for a check not for a child. The people who saw me for an object, for what was between my legs. I’d like to say my childhood made me who I am, I’d like to say that I learned and I survived but the reality is I face the battles every day, and I hold onto my guilt. I flinch when someone touches me, and I wish that no one would ever hold me again. I’m still a little girl who wishes that her father was here and her mother wasn’t. I hope this is the year that none of these things follow me into my future. I’m still a girl who promised herself that her children would never have those memories but only of the memories of Christmas and birthdays, and Mom‘s hugs because my child doesn’t deserve to still feel the sting of every person who ever touched her incorrectly. My child deserves to open their gifts and feel only happiness. My child deserves to only remember the happiest moments of their childhood. I want my child’s first memory to be of Mom’s smile and love and warmth. I deserve my children, and I deserve every happy moment, and every first moment I get with them..

v.Henry

[foreverflawless2215]

Gas Station

I was driving in my car today and I drove past this little rundown gas station. I mean two gas pumps, bars on the windows, scratched up paint and two white Cadillacs out front and it reminded me of the day that I saw my mother in jail for the first time we left our house on the south side of town. It was a cute house inside until my mother Decided she wanted to paint it every color under the sun. It had its moment charm and the characteristics. I know today that is completely remodeled and gutted out all those memories washed away probably for the better. I mean she destroyed this house but that’s what meth does to you, makes you think that you want all these beautiful colors inside your home so you don’t feel the dark and desolate in your head. That day I remember walking out of the house, walking down the concerts stairs and walking down the street we had a brand new car but the man that my mother was sleeping with decided he wasn’t going to drive us a ride to see my mother because he had more important things to do with his pregnant wife, who was also sleeping on our couch. So we walked outside into the burning heat of the south side of Wichita and it’s the ghetto I really will tell you there were meth labs on every corner and rundown little motels. It wasn’t a place that you would necessarily want to raise your kids. We walk down the street under the underpass of the highway. We walked into the little gas station on the corner also run down and bars on the windows. We had my mother food stamp card for the first time ever since she was in jail, we walked into the gas station and we bought us all mini little danishes and honey buns, and all the things that we wanted but we weren’t able to have. We walked back out into the summer heat and we walked down the street, it felt like forever. It was only forty five minutes but as a young kid it felt like hours block after block in that heat to the jail. I remember walking in and they told me I had to take everything off. I wasn’t too sure about the because as a kid you’re not expected to be treated as a criminal but I guess I should’ve expected that from the raid when I woke up to the guns in my face and the annoyingly bright lights. I had no clothes but the police officer told me to get out of bed anyways. I did as I was told and took my things off and I stood there. It was cold. The air made me wish I could step back out into the heat for a moment to warm up. Everything was metal it was so colorless. They finally called us back after waiting for about thirty minutes and I remember seeing her in that orange jumpsuit through the glass. She was crying as my mother does. I’m sure I’m manipulation tactic. She said I’m so happy to see you and then followed it up with where is Bruce the man she was sleeping with. I knew that day that my mother didn’t care about the kids that she created she only cared about the man who brought love or what she thought was love into her life. She didn’t care to see our confused and discomforted faces, she didn’t care about what her children thought about her being behind glass and not being able to touch us. She didn’t care about if we were sleeping or being fed. She didn’t care about where we were living or the if the state was coming into take us away to foster care. She only cared about that man and wondering where he was. We said he wouldn’t bring us and that he needed the car to transporting his wife around. My heart broke that day. I realize that day that my mother wasn’t a mother and I should’ve realized it a long time before that. Now here we are 25 driving past a gas station and reminiscing about how the woman that gave me life never gave a fuck about me.

v.henry

[foreverflawless2215]

“I dont want just words. If thats all you have for me, youd better go.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

[foreverflawless2215]

[foreverflawless2215]

“Be willing to go alone sometimes. You don’t need permission to grow. Not everyone who started with you will finish with you. And that’s OK.”

— Unknown

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“The worst thing in the world can happen, but the next day the sun will come up. And you will eat your toast. And you will drink your tea.”

— Rhian Ellis

[foreverflawless2215]

Unknown Author ~ Design by: B*

[foreverflawless2215]

New Balance

by Jhene Aiko

Part 2 of 5

[foreverflawless2215]

[foreverflawless2215]

“I hope that one day someone will make flowers grow in even the saddest parts of you.”

— vacants

[foreverflawless2215]

“I’m not perfect… But I’m enough.”

— Carl Rogers

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“If you can’t love me, I’ll make you miss me.”

— Kirsten Corley

[foreverflawless2215]

“Close some doors. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because they no longer lead somewhere.”

— Paulo Coelho

[foreverflawless2215]

“The best listeners listen between the lines.”

— Nina Malkin