formulatemotif - Tumblr blog

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been sad l8ly.. ive also been smoking every day. so like that might have smth to do with it! or something.. idk. that song thags like “marceline… is it just u and me in the middle of thr world?” has been stuck in my head and its making me cry. i wish i wasnt so sad! i have great classes and a great girlfriend and everything is going great!!! so like. can my mind please catch up or something? i want to enjoy it

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bro i got.. so drunk last night. so drunk i started talking about being TRANSGENDER. can u believe it? there was a point in my life when u could not pay my closeted repressed ass enough to share Anyrhing like that willingly. but here i am. “hey guys.. what if i. went by finn >_< thatd b crazy xD” you know. bht anyway it was a great nignt alrhought im kinda horribly embarrassed. cuz now. everyone knows i have bottom dysphoria..<3 yippee. ughhh. and by everyone i mean like 2 people that were not cable lmfao. so, will and jordan. im just scared bro i feel like i do everything wrong. esp w jordan. apparently his gf used to be a trans man??!! shes just like me fr. except. im trans now. lmfao idek. im deciding between james and finn to b called for now.. whuch is to say i still like jade kinda. but i need to b like, fully endorsing this trans thing or i will succumb to my deep seeded fear of actually allowing myself to b trans lmao. so yea. um. i said some cringe shit lasr nught. we had a really good time but i was cringe on occassion. im ssooo embarrassed but me ans will also had a heart 2 heart which was awesome ans tbh kinda makes it all worth it. it honestly was like. maybe one of the most tender moments in my life this far. idk. but it wasso nice. it was after i admitted having bottom dysphorja and i said how embarrassed i was and will shared something deeplt personal about himself tht i wont put here. but jusr hearing him say that??? qhen he could tell i had just let something big off my chest. to say that just to make me feel better.. idk it made me cry and then i did. it was incredible. we r like brothers.

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there r certainly things that make me angry when i think ab them but i just think like. who cares. its been 2 years. urggh ACTUALLY THATS THE WORST PART! ITS BEEN TWO FUCKING YWARS!!!! LET IT GO.. PLEASE OH MY GOD. im begging. ive BEEN begging. if i never thought about them again i would be better for it 😭 or idk i want the memories but i dont want to feel this way anymore like i dont want to think about them practically every day like i wish they would get out of my headddddd cuz ik i am Not in theirs. get it out 🔪

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but more than anyone else its ruby that haunts me. im not even sure if delia could compare! well actually i dont know. i guess ruby showed me that i have the capacity to love someone completely while delia showed me i could love someone who wasnt. well. ruby.

godddd i wish i could let them go! not delia. im not done w her yet i dont think. but ruby……. ugh the things id fucking do to get them out of my head once and for all. the emotion linked to them is embarrassment. soo much embarrassment! god damnit bro i have said some of the stupidest most braindead most heartless things to ruby. when i was a stupid stupid idiot kid. and ohhh my goddd it just doesnt sit right with me that they are in oregon harboring all my deepest childhood secrets & feelings.. not to mention some of the WORST THINGS IVE EVER SAID. i can be angry and sad all i want but at the end of the day i cant talk to them again cuz i hate who i am when i do. embarrassing.. needy.. emotional…. all of that and more.

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sometimes i rly do b thinkin about my ex and like. what could he be doin rn. i used to be really angry i used to be like I HOPE HES FUCKING SUFFERING AND DYING AND THAT EVERY MOMENT IS AGONY. but now idrk. now its like.. okay. hes suffered. well, hes suffering. i got what i wanted. but maybe what i really want is for him to like.. learn his damn lesson. like for him to understand how its pretty much all his fault and that he sucks shit 💀. maybe im biased. no i pretty much am! so maybe i need to learn my lesson first? but which lesson is that…? haha.

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today i was all dressed up as patrick bateman lol.. i was kinda too sad to fully enjoy halloween. its embarrassing. like super super embarrassing. but i kinda relate to him.. just in the sense that i want to be NORMAL. i want to Fit In. i want other people to respect me as a human being and i want to make other people happy. i really just want to get along in the world without everyone hating me. or i guess hating the Real me. its not like im a crazy murderer cocaine addict. im just autistic. but putting up this front….. oh my god it is empty. ppl dont even like it half the time. then i get mad when they dont! cause i dont get it. like, i did everything right. why dont you like me? and im just the most hollow person ever. “why dont they like me, why dont they like me,” swirling around in my head forever. trying to utilize different strategies in order to get them to like me. always moving just a little bit to work out the resting anxiety. thinking, planning ahead. all of this is to say..i hope my roommate moves out

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i want freedom from myself. but im not even sure what that means? i keep thinking it over and over. “oh god i just want to be free!” i get the six of swords too. healing. but what am i healing..? my self hatred maybe.

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maybe im lying? i just dont want to make a scene and i dont want to start drama i dont wanna be THAT guy who everyone js like “aw geez gotta check up on them to make sure they dont kill themselves!” jesus christ i dont want to exist! would it really matter if i killed myself? no one would fucking remember. everyone would be fucking FINE! THEYD BE FUCKING FINE GOD FUCKING DAMMIT THEY DONT EVEN LIKE ME! WHY PRETEND LIKE U CARE? SHUT UP!! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP.

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me nate jordan hannah sophie and jaiden were hanging out and we wwre talking about mental illness and it felt like a fuckin contest. like whos the most fucked up!! and theres no way for me even to talk. cause everyone is talking over me and im quiet. and like i cant blame it on them either. im just a shitty person who is not very interesting.. but anyway. we were talking about it & nate is like “its hard to ‘let go’ when u have a mental illness that wont let go” and i dont even know i was drunk i was like “well its something about like.. acceptance. ofc idk ur life” and he was like “Yeah No You Dont” and i was like “yeah.” and i was about to cry but it just didnt happen. i couldve but i didnt. i even said “im about to cry” & no one gave a shit!! i guess maybe. i am too obsessed with myself. and obviously. no one is really paying attention. dummy. but then i said i was just going to go home and it seemed like everyone was happy with that. they wanted me gone. cause no one really likes me! its all fake. i cant tell whats real and whats not and its killing me. ans all of them act like they care but they dont, so why keep pretending? why are they lying? why is EVERYONE lying?

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like i totally fucked up all my friendships and even then its like no one really gives a fuck if i live or die. like i guess they do in they “aw its so sad that jade died :(“ way but not really. like. if i just disappeared i dont think itd be too bad

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been feeling so shitty. just so shitty. like wtf is the point of my life shitty. it sucks so bad.. i just wanna sleep.. my bed is where im happiest

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shes freer now. i hope so. weve spent almost all our time arguing with ourselves but were trying to move forward. who i am and what i am, hand in unloveable hand.

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one day it just changed. i couldnt take it anymore so the outer part of me hardened so you couldnt see beneath. whats more, that hidden part was stifled completely, strangled and eventually silenced. all i knew was that id learn to adapt or id learn to suffer, and i chose to win. to be ravishingly successful. to taste the sour blood on my tongue and lick it from my teeth, smiling while something screamed and writhed behind a closet door in the house we moved out of.

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thinking ab the time that i had a fight with my friend in middle school and i scratched her and she was like screw u! and then ran away and i was just standin there crying and these two mean popular girls (what am i reciting dork diary) came up to me and were like “mr. doty said we should check on u. it looked like u were peeing from over there. were u peeing? wait were u?” then i said go away!!! and ofc im like crying and looking like a wuss and im like GO AWAY!!! and then i run from them but then they chase me and they wont stop chasing me i even went to get the teacher but they wouldnt help and they just kept chasing me and from that point i cant remember what happened

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ohh but i want it to be WORSE.. i want m@/r to leave him.. to betray him >:) but no i dont i want bygones to be bygones. im glad that hes suffering. and for now. i would like it to contunue

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and the best thing ab it is that ive already paid my dues ✋🏻😀 i sent them $100 so now i dont have to feel bad about being happy that theyre suffering

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ngl. it feels good when the ppl who hurt u r suffering 🫢