foryoureyesonlysweetheart

[foryoureyesonlysweetheart]

rocky times

today we discussed your visit, or lack of, to south africa and right now i am feeling quite terrible. I think i need to jot a few thoughts on here and i hope you can get a bit more insight to how Im feeling. 

Firstly i want to say how proud i am of you for actually telling me when i asked, it would've been the easiest thing in the world to just say we were cool and nothing to worry about but i am happy you told me the truth. i respect how you must be feeling and how you think you've changed a lot and dont know what you want. that must be pretty terrible for you and i don't want you to beat yourself up about it, you need to give yourself time to think about what it is you want from your life and if you feel there is still space for me. 

its an interesting thing, change. a lot of people hate it because it means they have to alter the way they see or do things and its uncomfortable and uncertain and random and scary. feeling like you've changed must be quite scary too; maybe you're unsure if you like the person you've become, maybe you prefer it but are too worried what others will think, maybe you don't even know and are indifferent right now. I think change is what makes life exciting and i wouldn't want to be stuck in a monotonous life. you may be reading this thinking i am advocating our relationship status changing. I'm not at all. I think there is room for our relationship itself to change, but not just that; there is always room for it to change and grow at the same time. maybe we could do things differently, keep some things the same, try new things - its not an all (/same) or nothing situation as far as I'm concerned. 

i am trying to be weary about how i phrase some of these things. to be perfectly honest i dont want us to end at all and i would be heartbroken if we did break up. however, the one thing i don't want to do is beg you and back you into a corner to change your mind. its trying to find that fine line between showing you i care about you and us but also giving you breathing room and the platform to make your own decisions. i won't suffocate you, i won't beg you to stay with me if you've made up your mind, i won't manipulate you or guilt trip you. i plan to be nothing short of honest about how I'm feeling, how i want things to go and what i think is best but at the end of the day a decision will have to be made at some point. just please bear in mind that its only fair that the decision be completely your own and you will be happy with the consequences. 

I've just finished 2 weeks on A&E now and I've learned loads of new skills and gained so much knowledge but theres also a few things I've learned subconsciously outside of medicine that i want to share with you. 

1) the importance of friends/family. Seeing patients at their worst, even near death, it is quite horrifying and its scary to think that i will soon be responsible for the care of people in these situations. but one thing that is so clear is the impact it makes of having a loved one close by to offer support and to help muddle through such a traumatic time. i know I've taken you for granted but since this placement its only reinforced how essential it is to have at least one person you trust wholeheartedly and you want by your side in bad times (but also the good.), i’ll never take you for granted again. 

2) how short life can be. you never know when something is going to happen, you may become ill tomorrow or next week. you can never predict it and thats terrifying. if you feel like this new you wants some sort of new adventure, new experiences, new life, then i can't stop you and i wouldn't want to. i hope the time we’ve had so far makes you smile when you think back to the memories we've made, i know they make me do. again this may sound like I'm telling you to do something new, I'm not but its important to figure out what you want and to make the most of the time you have. 

i think overall i really really really respect you. you are so well rounded, caring, empathetic and wise. as hurt as i am by what was said tonight and however much i never ever want to hear anything like that, i respect you so much for realising your feelings and for telling me. i respect you for the way you have handled it and how you do have my interests at heart and you're not being selfish. 

When you’re exploring this new you and what you want, please take some time to think about our relationship and what it actually means to you. in my mind we are two best friends who share everything with each other, take each other through the best and worst times, have times of intimacy and are always there for each other to support through thick and thin. we aren't bound by the ankles, we aren't the same person, we aren't “one”. we are two individuals who enjoy the company and support of the other. i always enjoy your company and you are always so supportive of everything that i do and i hope to do the same for you. theres always options to chill on the amount of time we see each other or to change aspects that we want changing. it doesn't have to be the exact same relationship or nothing at all. maybe further down the line it just isn't working out but at least we can say we tried when the circumstances were more in our favour. who knows. 

and don't worry about south africa. obviously i would love to travel around it with you and create even more memories, but the weather isn't going to be very nice and it could be quite expensive. i would much prefer for us to be on a better level with each other and to be able to come home to you and start things off again like we have wanted to this whole year. 

i think I've written nearly enough now. i just want you to finally know that i love you so much and all i ever want to be is the most committed, loyal, caring, supportive boyfriend and i hope that is enough for you. i love you. 

ps; if u read this it would be great if you could let me know your thoughts - its taken a fair while and i don't really want it to not be discussed. hope u understand. 

[foryoureyesonlysweetheart]

Hello stranger...

It’s been a while since I wrote in here. At the moment I’m training myself to stay awake for these upcoming night shifts and I thought what better use of my time than to write a long post on here for you. 

I have a lot to apologise for. 

Even though we have skyped quite a lot today, i still feel guilty and ashamed of myself. For the past 1-2 months I really haven't been a good boyfriend to you. I’m expecting you to read this and just nod and nod and go “fucking hell finally he realises” and hopefully forgive me after. You have been having a very tough time recently and your mental health hasn't been great and teaching has been hard and you’ve been overworked and tired and what did you need? some support and someone to tell you everything will be okay and someone to listen to all your worries and concerns. I do not feel like I have been that person. I think I have been selfish recently and, since finding out I'm not here after easter, have put in more effort with my house than i have with you. i didn't always make time to FT you and i overreacted (or under reacted) to things, I dismissed things, I told you not to worry about things when they were blatantly worrying you, i wasn't there for you. Nothing will make that okay and trust me i am beside myself with anger and I'm so ashamed of myself and to think that I've hurt you by not supporting you really kills me inside. I have not been the person I usually am and i honestly cannot feel more apologetic than i do right now. 

A week ago (last wednesday?), we had a rather large argument about sex etc and it got pretty out of hand to the point where we didn't seem like we would properly make it through. I was so stupid to say some of the things i did. I must have just been too worked up about it because at the end of the day i really actually don't care. If you ask me whats more important; shagging all the time or having someone to talk to, hug, kiss, lounge around in bed with, go to the cinema with, go to a museum with, go travelling with, FaceTime for hours - you know which Id choose. We are going to prague very very soon and if i can ask one thing of you it is this - DO NOT WORRY about sex. Please. I know that is so much easier said than done but i couldn't care less. In prague what i want is a lovely relaxed time with you where you don't have to tread on eggshells or worry about what will happen later, i want to live purely in the moment with you. i hate myself that I've inadvertently subjected you to this sort of pressure and its not fair at all - its not right. I will say it now, i do not expect ANYTHING from you in prague. What i’m really craving now, and have been always, is affection. I want hugs from behind, cuddles at random moments, random kisses on the cheeks, makeouts, bum squeezes, long hugs. thats what i want. i want you to know that ever since that argument i have felt so incredibly guilty. we say we are all good over Skype but at the back of my mind I'm still feeling horrible for that argument and i think its the elephant in the room - this may not be the actual case but in my mind I'm convinced that its still causing problems and I'm worried for how you feel towards me. So please, please, please, do not worry one single bit. If you kiss me before you go to bed and kiss me when you wake up, that is good enough for me - believe me when i say that. 

Ive been reading your diary all evening and yeah I've shed quite a few tears. I have not appreciated you the way i should have over the past few months. Fuck me i am the luckiest man alive to have you as my girlfriend. you mean the world to me and i am so so in love with you i cannot imagine not being with you. i wish more than anything i could take back these recent times and just stop being such a dick. I was the biggest fool ever to let us grow slightly apart but please understand i will do everything i can to help us get back together properly. I don't feel like you’re 100% there at the moment, you’re not as affectionate over ft or over text even at the moment and in my mind I'm putting that down to you still getting over how I've treated you and maybe subconsciously giving me a taste of my own medicine - i may be completely wrong but I'm trying to rationalise it. I wouldn't blame you if you were. I just feel like i really need you to realise how important you are to me. You are my best friend, my confidant, my number one girl and the one person i want to share everything with. there are no excuses for how I've treated you (and i may be blowing it out of proportion idk) but i can tell you now it will never happen again. ever. 

You also commented how you think you’ve changed so much this year. You think youve become a lot more independent and matured a lot - that is absolutely fucking fantastic news to hear and i am so proud of you and i support that fully! I think thats such an important trait to have and such a great skill to learn (particularly before getting into the real world) and i was genuinely so happy to hear that. You may think that now you’re independent you don't need me anymore, and the truth is you don’t. I don't think any healthy relationship relies on “needing” the other, i think a healthy relationship is two people doing what they do and enjoying their life independently but wanting to share experiences or spend time with someone else too. I think in that sense our relationship can grow so much stronger because we can do our own thing and not get insecure or anything but we can still want to spend time together if you know what i mean, i hope you feel the same way! But i am so proud of you.

Also, about the head shaving business - go for it. I was drunk and i think i overreacted to it and in the cold light of day, i think its important you know that i will support you in whatever you do. Whatever happens you are still the same person i fell in love with and nothing will change that. Im sorry for making you feel bad about it and i want you to do what makes you happy, thats all i want! For you to be happy. So yeah, fucking go for it! I’ll still kiss it, you may have to get used to me rubbing it all over tho lol.  

I am and always will be 100% committed to us and i will support you through every high and low time that comes your way, i will be there to ft you when you've had a bad day and to sit through your tears and maybe cheer you up with a song if you're feeling it. i’ll be there to listen to your achievements and encourage you with all your bravery and independence. If you want me to be, i will be. 

I love you so much sweetheart, i really really do and its not long until we see eachother again, its not long until we see eachother after that and then its really not long until we go back to living 20 minutes away from each other. imagine those evenings where its like 6.30pm and I've just finished dinner and so have you and I'm just like “shall i come round?” and within 30 mins ill be at your house and we could watch an episode of OITNB and then i can go back home and it'll be that simple. Next year we will both need so much support and so much care - its going to be so stressful but together I'm sure we can fucking smash it. 

you are the most amazing thing to ever happen to me, i hope you realise that and i hope its not too late for me to make amends and remind you of how great we can be together. u da greatest <3

PS: if this is all getting repetitive (i know I've sort of mentioned it a bit over ft) then pls tell me to stop flogging a dead horse and to shut up. I just thought you may appreciate a proper, thought out, from the heart apology :3

[foryoureyesonlysweetheart]

Hello, its been a while!

Hello my darling,

It’s been SO LONG since I wrote on here (I can't remember the last time!) but I have a bit of time free before going to bed and i thought id write here to show u that i haven't forgotten about you!

So I guess apart from a belated HAPPY NEW YEAR the big news i gotta share with you (that you obvs already know but for continuity of blog sake) is that I PASSED MY FUCKING EXAMS! You know just how stressed and worried and scared i was about those exams and how scared i was after that id failed and how horrible last term was for me. we like barely spoke in those few weeks leading up to the exams and i think we only like ft’d properly 2 or 3 times and i rly wanna take this opportunity to say such a fucking huge thank you to you. I don't think I've properly thanked you for being like the best most supportive girlfriend ever. you never got upset with me for not being able to talk, you always calmed me down when i got stressed and most of all you believed in me and let me know u believed in me and that was so reassuring and so lovely to hear after ages in the library. i don't think i could have got through last term and those exams if it hadn't been for you and all your support so thank you so much darling! 

At the moment i am at the GP surgery and even though i am like totally chilled and barely stressed at all i am actually surprisingly busy in both the days and the evenings. i am given like absolute free reign over my timetable but all that actually does is makes me want to go in more because i really enjoy being there. i love the interactions with the patients, my gp tutors and just everything really and the experiences I've had so far are amazing and i don't really want the ssc to end. during the evenings I'm busier than i thought as well. i think its because everyone in the house is finally free also and we are all taking as many opportunities to hang out with eachother as possible bcos el and i are moving away next year. i am having a really nice time getting to know everyone in the house a lot more and I'm quite sad that i have to leave here bcos everyone is so nice and the atmosphere is really pleasant. I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm sorry that at the moment we aren't face timing a huge bunch. I mean, i guess thats relative because we phone p much every journey back i have so we are speaking quite a lot but the actual face to face ft we have is not as much as we used to. (lol should do an audit about how many face to face conversations could be done over audio ;) ). i think it will be nice to organise like a night a week where we have a long FaceTime but in order to get the most out of it we either have to not speak as much during the day or make a very conscious effort to remember like things that we've done so theres loads to do eh?

Anyways, im rambling to the fucking max here. 

I know you're not having the greatest time in germany atm and going back was really hard for you. i have no idea what you're going through as I've never been in that situation but i hope that i can only be as supportive as possible and that will help a bit. i think you are such a brave and strong woman and you are much more adult than you give yourself credit for! you've made so many friendships and given yourself so many opportunities to make more friends and i think thats such an admirable thing and even if things aren't going the way you want them to you have to admit you’ve done a fucking great job of trying to make things work. sometimes life just doesn't work out the way you want but its all about putting in the effort. u r putting in so much effort and i am so proud of you and i know that you will come away from this year abroad maybe relieved that its over but more thinking that you've had a great time and the experience has been amazing and I'm sure this time next year you’ll be wishing you were back in germany!! you just gotta keep plodding on and keep optimistic and things will work out the way you want. and I'm always going to be here for you through the good and the bad. 

i am so in love with you darling and i never want you to forget that. i sent u a text tonight that you may not like but please understand that i love how open and honest we are with each other and I'm just trying to better our relationship by being honest with you. i love you so much and i cannot wait to see you in 2 fucking weeks time. you are the best thing to happen to me and i couldn't wish for a better girlfriend. 

i hope this has cheered u up a little bit and i hope you have a great night out tomorrow/tonight and you get to know those erasmus students a bit better!

u da best! i love you <3

[foryoureyesonlysweetheart]

just to touch base w/ u

hey my love,

i just wanna write something on here for you to see so you know that I'm still thinking of u. (i never stop).

I know that atm with me revising/being really busy with work and trying to fit everything else in it is putting strain on our relationship. now that sounds dramatic but i totally realise we aren't talking much and when we do its not for very long and its so different to how we've ever been before. I'm finding it difficult but i guess because i have so much to do and I'm always busy i don't always let you know just how difficult it is for me. i hate not talking to you, i hate that our conversations are purely just what we are up to or something like that and we haven't hugely expressed our love to each other or been so sweet recently (with the fucking massive exception of your lovely letter to me), i think i mean more on my behalf. i know u say u understand what I'm going through rn and you fully support me putting as much effort in as i am and you have no idea how much that means to me but i just want u to know that i really do appreciate you saying that. 

i don't really know what I'm trying to say rn, just thank you i guess for understanding that this is the most important exam of my life so far and for giving me the space to get loads of work done. I'm really happy that u r keeping urself busy and going on amazing trips and I'm just really focussed on our amazing times together in 4 weeks time. i can't believe this time in 4 weeks we will be spending our second night together. 

once this bloody exam is over we can go back to how we were before and fucking hell i can't wait for that. i love you so so so so so much and i hope you get a chance to read this before you go on your weekend away so you can travel safe in the knowledge that, from my perspective, our relationship is just as strong as ever and even though we aren't speaking as much, my feelings towards you are exactly the same as they were two weeks ago, two months ago, a year ago etc etc.

I love you with all my heart my darling and thats not gonna change. have a lovely weekend and ill speak to you when we can eh? I love you

[foryoureyesonlysweetheart]

y u can't break up with me #1

i won't be able to listen to Jekyll and Hyde anymore. 

Everytime i listen to it now (which is quite frequent during revision) i think of you and our lovely evening together at the theatre watching it. like that was fucking brilliant and I'm so happy u wanted to go see it too. ugh i wanna go back and watch it again with u pls. 

[foryoureyesonlysweetheart]

Revision mode

Hey you, so its 12.40am and its way past my bedtime but I thought you needed a post to cheer you up because I haven't written on here in so long (and I'm sorry for that) but because things are a bit difficult for us as a couple at the moment and I want to try and say how i feel about it. 

So (for future reference) at the moment it is about 4 weeks until probably one of the biggest exams of my life. I have been very casual about it up until now when I realise just how much i have been silly this term and not got on with work. It’s manageable though, if i work hard. thats what I'm doing at the moment - I'm trying my absolute hardest to get through the material and understand as much as i can so i can pass this exam. I've never failed an exam yet, I've come close, but never actually failed and i would really hate life if i did fail it so i wanna do everything i can to not. 

understandably, if im in the library asap when i wake up and come back late and have dinner and do more work or chill then we don't get much of an opportunity to speak and when we do speak you're feeling a bit down because this situation is difficult and our time is spent trying to cheer each other up. its a shit deal at the moment. were not talking properly, I'm not doing anything interesting with my day, and all in all things are just so much more boring than they were this time last week when you came to mine to visit. this evening you got a bit upset with me for not messaging you whilst you were with your friend and we ended the Skype talking about how its hard to adjust to seeing each other all the time (for the weekend) to like hardly speaking and then you said you sort of feel like I'm not as bothered anymore (not saying that accusatory or anything don't worry!)

Here’s the truth. I totally still care as much as i ever did. I miss you all the fucking time. It’s so hard to get out of bed and only have 5 minutes to ft you whilst i have to get ready and to try and squeeze in everything i want to say whilst also making my lunch or getting changed or doing my hair before having to leave. its shit when I'm sat staring at a computer trying so hard to grasp something way out of my depth when all i want to do is look at my phone and text you but i know that won't help me pass the exam. All that is going through my mind at the moment is this exam and how important it is. That is not to say that i don't think about you. i think about you all the time. even today when i listened to evenescence i couldn't help but text you “WAKE ME UP (wake me up inside) CANT WAKE UP (wake me up inside) SAVE ME” because it made me think of you instantly. Its fucking hard over here too bubba.

Here’s one thing i never want you to forget during this exam mode: you are my motivation. you may think I'm not bothered about us because I'm not speaking as often, but please don't forget that the whole reason I'm able to motivate myself to get to the library and actually crack on is you. i want to come out to visit you after the exam and i want to be so happy and relieved that all the work and stress was worth it because i think i passed, i want to pass so we can travel around SA together in the summer, all of it is so my time with you will be so much better and not full of sadness or regret. please don't underestimate how great we are and how much you mean to me. just because we aren't messaging all the time it doesn't mean you're not in my mind 24/7 - you're always there and youre always helping me through my work.

im sorry this is all so incoherent but I'm fucking shattered and need to go to bed. I hope you're sleeping well and have an amazing time in vienna - can't wait to hear about it when you get back. youre the best <3 i love you <3

[foryoureyesonlysweetheart]

Theres a place

So its 12.43am and I know i should be asleep but i can't sleep and I'm just listening to music and “Theres a Place” by AAR came on and i just had to write this post for you.

its crazy how certain songs hold certain memories. I want to share with you the memories that this song holds for me. 

last year. winter. your uni house. i remember this song playing when you'd be upstairs getting ready for bed and id be outside having a cigarette and listening to this song, the smell of burning wood from nearby chimneys surrounding me. Id listen to this song and think about what i have with you, how i have everything i could ever want and how life is amazing with you upstairs and me about to come up and sleep next to you. loads of those winter nights where we’d just say “shall we go for cocktails?”, “shall we go for dessert?”, “shall we go to the swan?” and within 10 minutes we would be out of the house, arm in arm in the cold, walking down the big hill with the stars over our heads, the cold freezing our lips and hands and the wind blowing in our face but as we’d stumble into the wind we would hold each other and laugh and manage to stay upright. i think of us sitting at a table having cocktails/drinks/dessert and having some deep chats or the classic talking about the day chats or bitching about people chats or reminiscent chats, i can see us sat at a table surrounding by empty tables just smiling at each other, gazing into each others eyes and laughing at each others jokes. 

this song is a real night time song. it is a shower song. its a song that really reminds me of nights out like I've mentioned but also of nights in. for some reason a strong memory is of you in your big thick socks with your pjs tucked into them, sitting in bed with a mug of tea and waiting for me to come into bed so we can watch tv together before going to bed. the thick socks are actually really vivid for some reason. it also reminds me of the drive back from hospital to your house and driving as quickly as i could under all the street lights and knowing that i was just minutes away from holding you in my arms. 

this song makes me happy. and sad. at the same time. i would give anything to be a year ago and to come home from hospital and to go for cocktails and dessert with you and to go home and watch midsomer murders all snuggled up in bed and fall asleep next to each other. it feels like such a distant memory but it will never be forgotten and i want those spontaneous little trips to be something we do forever. i challenge you to listen to this song and to let me know what memories go through your mind when you listen to it. 

all i want is to be wanted by you <3

[foryoureyesonlysweetheart]

Hyello

HYELLO MY DARLING!

well, what a day we’ve had! i just spent about 40 minutes writing in your diary (its a bloody biggie!) so i guess i’ll be repeating some stuff on here but some will be new (you’ll never know LOLOL). 

today we’ve had such a lovely ft! we managed to ft earlier for like an hour before i had some lectures but when i got home and had my dins we p much spoke until you had to go to bed. it was so nice! we talked about everything, from your day, to my day, to your friends dick of a bf, to sex, to our future living arrangements. i am feeling so so so in love with you rn and the whole of today my heart has just felt so full and so close to bursting. its days like this where i just go to bed so so content and overjoyed that i am in a relationship with you - the most wonderful and uplifting soul in the universe. 

i know I've had many down days recently but as i said on ft tonight, i just need to give myself a reality check and realise that i would be 10000x sadder if we weren't together. i honestly can't imagine not being with you. imagine waking up and not having someone to say good morning to or have someone say good morning to you. my phone would literally be so inactive i may aswell buy a brick phone! i love that we do get to send each other a morning and goodnight text everyday and we have done (or said it in person or FT) for like p much over 18 months now. like how weird is that?! 18 months of texting, speaking, hugging, kissing, ft’ing, loving and all round awesome times!! i am still waking up every day and turning to the picture of us by my bed and saying “good morning darling” and going to bed saying “good night darling” - its only a smol thing but it reminds me that i have you and you have me and we have each other and that makes me feel warm even through the darkest of times. 

i am so in love with you and i cannot wait to live together.i can't wait to actually come home and have you there to hug and to complain to and share stories with and share cocktails with and to cuddle with to sleep. that will be when i realise my life is absolutely perfect and i couldn't wish for anything more. pls can we just live together now? el and i were talking the other day about how people think like moving in together when you haven't been going out very long but we came to the conclusion that if you were going out during uni then its like totally legit because u probably would have been seeing so much of each other that its pretty much carrying on where you left off where i guess for two people who live alone etc it would be quite weird having to adjust to someone else’s way of living. anyway, I'm rambling. just remember that I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I CANT WAIT FOR OUR FUTURE BCOS THATS ALL I WANT IN MY FUTURE!! SLEEP WELL MY LOVE <3

[foryoureyesonlysweetheart]

I'm homesick.

not from my family. 

not from my house.

from you. 

you are my home.

If I'm with you, i feel at home.

when I'm not with you, i feel incomplete.

like something big is missing.

like i don't fully exist.

you make me whole.

you give me a reason to wake up.

you give me the courage to fight the day.

you make me who i am.

and i need you now. 

i love you

[foryoureyesonlysweetheart]

An apology

Hello my gorgeous, patient, fantastic, glowing, kind, sweet-hearted, empathetic girlfriend!

So you’ve been away on your training week (you are only like halfway through now) and since you've been gone I’ve been in the worst moods and I really feel like you have caught the brunt of it. This is my message to you to apologise and try and help you understand how things are for me right now (as we haven't had much of an opportunity for us to talk about it). 

Firstly, the apology. I am so so so sorry my love. I know I’ve been taking things too personally, reacting irrationally and making you feel really frustrated because no matter what you say or do I’m still not happy or still seem annoyed. I completely see how annoying and frustrating that must be for you, it must be so hard to try your best to reassure me and comfort me when i give like nothing in return. I am so very very sorry that I have acted like this and if, even after this message, I act in the same way. I know I shouldn't act like this but do you ever feel like your body is over-taking what your mind says?

The last few days have been really hard for me. I had a big night on Saturday where I had too much of a good time and Sunday we barely spoke because I was very unavailable/absent in mind so that was completely my fault. All i could do was complain and you were in a very sad mood so you weren’t very talkative so all in all, sunday wasn't the best day for us to have had so much time to speak. After sunday i wasn't ready to start another day back at uni. I've done two weeks now and hate it. I absolutely hate it. the lectures aren't interesting and they are complex and long and seemingly very irrelevant but they accumulate to the hardest exam of my course. the amount of stress on me at the moment is like no other. you never want to revise something that you don't understand because it is hard, it takes time and especially if you don't find it interesting, it takes so much motivation. everything i have learned in the last 2 weeks i have really struggled with and that makes it so much harder to actually do the work for. entering another week, all i could think about was how behind i was and how i couldn't face to do any more and how i hate what I'm doing and how i need to start being switched on soon otherwise i will fail the year and that will ruin everything. this stress is so much and i am really really struggling here. I have a free day tomorrow after 10am so i am really hoping to do a big library day and try and catch up on stuff (also i am seeing my peer mum soon so i will hopefully get some of her notes which should help). But like, that is one reason why i am just so out of it at the moment and I'm not being myself - i feel this huge sense of inadequacy and a sense of like, I'm not supposed to be here. everyone else is getting on seemingly fine with the work and everyone else in my seminar group is so clever and I'm just there like “lol wut”. I genuinely don't think I'm cut out to be a doctor. I'm sure when i start working ill change my mind but for right now this is how I'm feeling. 

Not speaking to you has been hell. You have had your training during the days and have been meeting people and drinking and staying up late in the evening. this situation is such a double edged sword for me. I am so so so happy that you are making friends and meeting people that you get on with and can have dmc’s with and feel comfortable around, like that is exactly what you want when u move to another place. Its great news that someone is in the same place as you as well. I think I'm just struggling with the fact there is legit no time for us to talk properly. Its either me telling you how shit I'm feeling and you trying to console me or its a quick one line of “having fun, hope ur good” etc. we haven't had a proper conversation about how ur time has been and that is weird bc we have always been able to talk at length about our experiences and idk if you'll remember any details when we actually do get to speak to each other. i hate that i know I'm being so stupid and overdramatic and ridiculous and clingy and needy and disgusting... like you'd think if you have insight into what you're coming across like/whats wrong with you, then you'd be able to just cut it out eh? i fucking wish i could. i wish i could tell myself and believe the fact you're not replacing me at all, or that you'd rather speak to other people than me. and the upsetting thing is of course i know both of those are so ridiculously false but it doesn't stop me being sad and crying and feeling them. none of this is to invoke any sort of reaction or for you to say anything, this is just for you to see how my mind is working at the moment so you don't think I'm just being horrible to you because you're having fun. As i say, i am so so happy that you are having fun and i can't wait to come out and visit you at some point and meet these people if that would be possible. 

But yeah, I've written enough i think. to sum up:

1. Im so sorry for all the stupid things I've said and the stupid ways I've been acting recently. i can't promise it won't happen again but at least i hope this helps you understand. 

2. uni is shit and i hate it and its not the same without you

3. i hate not speaking to you. 

4. i will try my best to be better. ill teach myself to back off and give you space with the security in the knowledge that we will still be together 

5. i love you and i always will and nothing will ever stop that

[foryoureyesonlysweetheart]

guten morgen

Hallo mein Liebling!

I miss you. So much. I have just got back from the house party i went to tonight. It was alright, wasn't really in the mood and all i wanted to do was either have you there to introduce to people or to just be with you rn. 

Things have been really tough for you since you've got there, i really get that. It seems nearly every time we FaceTime you’re close to/in tears and i am really sorry that that is how u feel some of the time now BUT LISTEN TO ME... things are going to change so soon!! As soon as you start teaching and start meeting people and having more of a social life and start knowing the area a lot better and find somewhere else to live and have conversations you can understand (and that will happen surprisingly soon!) then you’ll look back and wonder why you ever worried. (If i could quote the office i’d say “what you worried about”... and yes i chuckled to myself whilst writing that). But i mean it, you are such a strong and brave and courageous girl who has gone through so many hard times and all of those experiences only make you stronger and this is exactly one of those, you’ll be so much stronger in the coming weeks. 

You are so justified in feeling sad and scared and on edge most of the time. I have no idea how i would cope in a whole new world (”a whole new woooorld, thats where we’ll beeee”) and i want you to know that i understand exactly what you’re going through even if i haven't experienced it first hand. Like, i know that sounds so dumb but our hearts are pretty much one and when your heart hurts so does mind and i can really imagine what it’s like in your shoes. But if i put myself back in mine then i know that things will work out so well very soon.

 I am so happy that we have spoken so much these past few days and whilst i really don't want that to change i will so totally encourage you to go out and meet people and enjoy making friends and if that means ft’ing less then i would be so willing to do that! 

I want you to know that i will always be here for you, i’ll ft you as soon as i can when you need and i’ll always be on the other end of the phone for you when you need me! Even if you feel isolated and alone out there please remember you have someone back in england who is literally thinking about you 99% of the time (the other 1% is when i actually focus in lectures so don’t h8). But there is never a moment of my free time where you’re not on my mind. I am so completely head over heels in love with you and i will never not be there for you i promise. 

I love you so much sweetheart, you are the best and i have every faith in you and in the fact that you’ll be loving life and won’t want to return to shitty england very soon!

Ich leibe dich 

[foryoureyesonlysweetheart]

Something for the airport

Its 12.48am and I’m still up thinking about how this year is going to be and i thought i’d write this so you can read it at the airport. 

First things first, I love you. I really really love you. I have for p much 18 months now and nothing will change that. 

I’m sure you're feeling a huge mix of emotions; Fear, anxiety, excitement, anticipation, sadness and so many more. These are all so normal and I’m sure you know deep down, just like i do, that everything is going to be fine. You are going to have such an amazing time and you’re going to have such a wonderful impact on so many peoples lives. You’re the first TA this school has had maybe ever so even before you have arrived you’ve already made so many people happy. You have such an amazing work ethic and willingness to please and do the best you can that i have absolutely no doubt you are going to make a fantastic TA. You’re going to make learning english so much more exciting than normal with all the range of things you’ll bring along and experience you can give and that is so invaluable that i hope you’ll finish every school day so proud of yourself and humbled that you’ve made some kids’ time at school so much more exciting. But even out of school, i know you’ll meet people who will be so interested to hear about your life and who will want to get to know you and be friends with you because you are so incredibly friendly and smiley and welcoming and an all round amazing person to be in the company of and you’ll touch these peoples lives and give them memories they will tell their children about (don’t laugh and think thats farfetched because you never know, you may be “that one english girl I met” to someone!).

This is a country that you’ve always wanted to go to. You have studied the language for so many years and have been there a few times but now you actually get to live out a dream and live there for a whole year! You get to wake up there, sleep there, go out there, eat there, enjoy the culture there and learn the language even more. That is such an incredible thing to do and if you’re not already so pumped like I am for this then pls reread this whole message but also think back to why you chose this subject in the first place. Why else would you bother learning a language if you didn’t want to go and spend some significant times there? this is it. this is your moment to shine and be brave and explore! and i know you’ll do just that. 

The best part is we don’t have to worry about us. We are so secure in our relationship and nothing is going to break us apart. We will talk as often as we can but even if we have other plans, or are meeting up with other people, or just busy in general, we know that at the end of the day or whenever we need, the other one will always be there. You’ll never go to sleep without me having said goodnight and you’ll never start your day without me saying good morning (time depending obvs). We will always be with each other even if we aren’t experiencing the same things. Who knows, maybe by the end of the year when i’m fluent in that language we may think about even finding somewhere we like and having a holiday home there when we are older/live if my plans go to shit. 

I am so so excited for you sweetheart. I know you are going to do a fantastic job and you’re going to give it all you can. They are going to love you. I will always love you. 

Pls have the safest of travels and let me know as soon as you can that you’ve arrived safely. Go out there with an open mind and your natural strive to do your best and you will look back and wonder why you ever feared going. Just don't decide you want to live there and ditch me. 

I love you so much and I will be with you every step of the way for this amazing new chapter in your life. 

Ich leibe dich. 

[foryoureyesonlysweetheart]

There’s a place

So at this very moment you are on ft asleep next to me and i am sat on my laptop listening to All American Rejects’ “theres a place”. 

I am in tears. 

This song, and I didnt really realise this until now, reminds me 100% of you. You were there when I first got excited about listening to it and when I was playing it for days on end in the shower, whilst cooking, whilst reading...all the time. When I hear it all I can think about it our winter months together. Those days where I would come back from hospital to yours and it would be raining heavily, or just very very cold, I would walk in and we’d kiss and you'd say “your nose is froze” and try and warm it up, then you’d take my freezing cold hand and either lead me into the lounge/kitchen or straight up to your room and help me get warm like you always do and then we would cook something lovely for dinner and have a shower and get into bed and watch a tv show or read or whatever else the fuck we did. 

Do you ever get like a movie-style montage of moments come flooding through your mind when you hear a song? Because i am getting that real bad rn and it makes me so full of joy that we have spent some amazing times together and created so many memories that will stay with me forever. The times walking in the snow, all those little trips to the shops just to get like a chocolate bar, all those times we went out just for dessert or just for one drink - be it a cocktail or a pint/g&t, those few times where we went out just for the sake of it. I cherish every single one of those memories and I can’t wait to make more with you. 

When it gets to the bit where he does the sort of falsetto high notes, i see us both kissing in various different places. Like a proper montage of just 1 second snapshots of us kissing and that makes me happy. I see us in your bed, in the shower, at your door, in the park, in town, in tesco, in the pub, in the snow, in the car...everywhere. 

I never knew that song held so many memories for me. But i am so grateful that you are with me to create all those memories. I haven’t listened to it in ages and I swear to fuck its going to be such a bittersweet song to hear when you’re in germany. I also swear to fuck if we ever break up i’ll be heartbroken because then i won't be able to listen to that song without getting sad and its a cracking song so pls don't does that. 

I love you. And all i want, is to be wanted by you and all i need is to be needed by you. 

I’m yours forever. 

[foryoureyesonlysweetheart]

First one in ages

Hello sweet pea, it has been so so long since I have written in here (I looked at my previous one and I swear it hasn't been that long, but hey ho and I’m very sorry).

Things have been quite stressful for the both of us recently. We have both had big big exams and have been spending pretty much every day together which I think is why I haven’t written anything. But here I am now, back at home, and you better strap yourself in because this is going to be a big one. 

I feel like I need to tell you everything about how I feel about you. 

From the first time we met I knew you would be someone who would be extremely special to me. From our conversations before our date I was super super excited and as soon as our date was over I was already counting down the hours to see you again. From that moment onwards I have been completely and utterly smitten by you, I have loved every minute we have spent together and impatiently waiting for the moments we don't spend together to pass. We have been together for 1 year and 4 months (just over) now and fuck me am I still the luckiest man in existence. You make me feel so happy, so loved and so valued and you are always so supportive in everything I do and you encourage me to do whatever I want and you are always there when I’m down and you’re always there when things go well - there is no one in the world I want to share those moments with. When it was the end of my exams I was looking forward to going out and seeing everyone but tbh if it were the choice between seeing all of them on the field or doing something with just you alone 100 times out of 100 I would have chosen to go and see you. Now some people call that clingy or whatever, personally I don’t see it that way - I live my life trying to do what makes me happy and to get out of my time what I enjoy. I can’t help it if the person I love and spend all my time with is the person I want to spend more time with because she makes me feel like no one else can. I fucking adore you. 

I love the way we have our routines, our in jokes, our little disputes at tesco because you don't like something that I like or vice versa. I love our love of dogs, our cuddles before we fall asleep, our cuddles when we wake up and the way i can push you in the middle of the night and say “can I have a hug” and you'll just sort of grunt and swing your arm around so its touching me in some way. I love my life with you at the moment.

I think this is why i am struggling being home. Apart from everything else that is happening with work/the family etc, its the fact that I am so used to having a life where I enjoy every single minute because I'm sharing them with you and now we only get to text or occasionally FaceTime - but don't get me wrong, I still love having my own life and I'm still totally independent etc, but that doesn't mean I don't prefer being with you instead. I’m sorry that I've been either sleeping or in a really shit mood today, I'm sorry for being so insecure and I'm so grateful for your optimism and how you try and cheer me up. I know it may seem like its doing nothing but i think its times like this when I'm by myself that i replay those moments you try and cheer me up in my head and it makes me feel so warm.

I just can’t believe that I have someone out there in the world who devotes so much time to someone like me. I am so incredibly grateful for everything you do and I would never ever give you up or jeopardise any of this. I know its not the best sign that I’m like this after being apart for a few days, but when i’m back at uni and working and surrounded by friends etc, I'm sure things will be better. 

I know earlier I worried about you going to germany and how we would be. I wasn't actually worried, I just wanted to hear you tell me that everything will be okay and we are strong. I think we will be absolutely fine when you're in germany and I can't wait to come out and visit you and meet all your friends and see all the places you've been to. Its going to be such an amazing experience for you and this time in 1 year when we are both going to be back in uni, I can't wait for the couple of nights we will spend together where you’ll constantly be telling me stories of things that happened out there. Fuck I miss you and I love you so much. 

Im going to get myself to bed now but I can tell you one thing, now I’m back home I think you should be checking tumblr a little more often (need to redownload the app though lol). I hope you're sleeping well and I can't wait to speak to you tomorrow already. I love you so much sweetheart, you're the best 

[foryoureyesonlysweetheart]

could really do with a hug rn

so i just went downstairs after i ft’d you to see my lil bro and he asked for a game of fifa so i went into the lounge to set it up and dad had fallen asleep on the chair in the lounge.

I went to wake him up and it took a bit of shaking and the look in his eye when he woke up scared the life out me. I know he suffers from PTSD and the major symptom of that is flashbacks/nightmares and it sounds weird to say but i could see it in his eyes. I could just tell he was having a flashback of his past and i’ve never witnessed anything like it. He then asked me where someone was which made it that little bit more harrowing i think for reasons that i can't really put into words. 

Pretty much when he went to bed i cried for two minutes before hector came in the room (luckily he didn't notice anything). I can't stand the thought that someone has had such a traumatic past and having read over what happened it made me so much more sad. I hate the thought of it and i hate the effects they have had. I could really do with a fucking massive hug right now and just for you to stroke my hair. You wouldn’t have to say anything, nothing at all. All i want right now is for you to squeeze me and let me cry into your shoulder until i feel better. Nothing awkward, nothing weird, just a good ol’ fashioned weep and squeeze. 

I miss you

I miss the hugs

I love that you are always there for me

I love you

[foryoureyesonlysweetheart]

just writing to let you know I've been doing a lot of thinking about us tonight and i consider myself so so lucky to have you and i love you

a lot

[foryoureyesonlysweetheart]

http://www.thedragonflymaze.com

can we do this?